Week 5 (fiveeee!!!!!! yay excitement)

It's still the 28th so technically it's still Week 4 but it's not like I'm eating or exercising or having any great revelations in the next few hours. I want to blog and I may as well do it about the next week, goals and plans etc.

Firstly, it's weigh in week. The first weigh in week so it's going to be awful because I have high hopes but I want low ones, because I don't want to be discouraged and upset. That's on Friday morning so fingers crossed until then. I'm still debating whether to do weigh ins weekly or fortnightly after that. On one hand, fortnightly will save me stressing as much, but if not weighing for a month taught me anything, it'll just build it up more, but at least I wasn't worrying about it for the first few weeks and I have to focus on non scale goals.. Weekly means more accountability and will allow me to make changes if I don't get the results I want. It could also be motivating, good or bad, if I know. Good results will encourage me, bad results will push me...

I've decided to go running in the morning, instead of Strength and Tone. I'm too embarrassed to tell this to anyone in real life, except for Mum, but I had the hugest social anxiety fail today, I was ashamed of myself. Still that wasn't enough to get me to act. I mean, it's happened before. A year or two ago Dad was going to get me pizza or chinese or something but said I had to order. I can't order on the phone, can't do it. I refused, he stuck to his guns, I went hungry.

So this time, I arrived early to the surf club, which is where the classes are. Normally I do it with a friend, so I just wait to see her, but this time, because I was planning to get a month membership so I could just attend heaps of classes, so I was just on my own, but the carpark was really empty and that made me nervous. I figured I'd just wait for someone to go in and follow them. But no one came and I couldn't get the courage to go to the door or go in. I was there for like, 20 minutes and didn't do it. I just drove home. I don't have actual social anxiety, but sometimes, I swear to god, if it were a spectrum thing, like autism, I'd be on it. It's more than just shyness.

When I got home though, Mum remembered today is a public holiday so it didn't matter either way, I wouldn't have found anyone there. That made me feel better, because I really would have been mad at myself if I missed the class cos I don't have any balls. Still, I should have sucked it up and checked.

So I don't want to face it in the early morning before work. What if it happens again? So I'm going to just run. I downloaded an awesome running app, zombierun. It has a storyline, you're a supply runner in a zombie apocalypse. The further you run, the more supplies you can collect. When you finish, you can decide how to use them to expand your camp and unlock more missions. When you get too close to zombies, you can hear them and you have to run faster to get away from them. Obviously this is all over headphones, all your orders and instructions as well. But it allows you to use your own playlist of music and only talks in the breaks I believe. I think I'm going to really enjoy it. It's running and zombies, what else could you want?

It'll be an early run, because I have a 7 hour shift at work from 10-5, and I want to do Zumba in the evening as well. It'll be a great day for exercise. And eating, because work keeps me from snacking and I get a crepe for lunch (yum!) which I am going to add avocado to, if I can get the balls to ask (doubtful).

Still, Week 5, this is exciting. Have I ever got here before? I don't remember it if I have. I have lost no faith, I'm more dedicated than ever, possibly too dedicated. This week will be good, I can feel it. I'm adding in snacks to make my intake more healthy rather than too low in calories, hopefully also lowering my sugar intake, though I can't see how I'm going to do it, sugar is in every single thing I eat jfc. Plus adding more yoghurt isn't going to help. Sorry I like sweet things. I'll be trying my weight watchers frozen meal maybe tomorrow night, and I'll see if it's good enough to try again, see what options there are. I was going to start Lite N Easy this week but I'm having second thoughts as to it's neccessity. I think I'll just plod along myself and see how that goes for a bit longer. It's hard to know how I'm going without knowing weight loss.

This will be an exciting week though. I'm going to make it back to 5ks, I can feel it. I'm going to do about 4 tomorrow, if I can. Sometimes it's just the run and I give up but that's almost never and most probably I'll be so pumped I'd like to do more but tomorrows run will be a circuit from my house to the entertainment centre and back, pretty much there and back along the same route so I can't exactly add to it. Not until I finish it as it is. So that'll be the goal for tomorrow, to make it all the way back to my house. Which'll be hard, I fucking hate hills, I trot up them at about 1km/h. Frigging embarrassing.

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Okay, so I work up before my alarm, about 7am, so I got up, made some tea, chatted to Mum who had to go back to work today (and Tom tomorrow- ha!) and left about 7:45am or something. My shoes are still damp from the rain run yesterday, so I was a little concerned about that but I wore thick socks. I also dumbly forgot to put my key in my shoe before I put it on, so I had to just slide it down the side... guess where I now have a massive blister -.-"

I didn't make it all the way back to my house without walking, I was just tired and the zombies chasing me stressed me out but didn't inspire me to keep going, I'd push for about 20 seconds but I suppose they want more than that because I kept dropping items to distract them which is basically punishment for letting them catch you. I did complete the mission though :)

Then I walked to work, work was fine, except for my cold -.- It's hard to keep needing to blow my nose in food service, I have to wash my hands every time.

But it was good and Zumba was good too :) Jess said I was looking good and I got a high five. Actually about 4 of them but it was nice.

Also, tmi, but also not, because it's just a bodily function and who cares, I finally got my period today. Yay for shark week! I mean, it was only due yesterday and until this year I didn't even know if I got my period ever three weeks or 3 months because of how little attention I paid, but now I have a smart phone with an app and who would have guessed it, every 27 days blamo! Or since it was a day late, maybe it is 28 days like a normal person.

Still, normally I wouldn't care but some biology for you, girls bloat on their period which means that they retain water weight. Until it's over my weight won't read right on a scale. So it's good it's come today so it'll be pretty much over by Friday. I feel weird celebrating my period, most girls hate it but it means like zero to me, if I didn't have friends giving me vivid descriptions of knives twisting in their vagina and gut, I'd be just like, BS. I do whatever I want on my period, swim, climb trees... I don't get moody or cramps or crave things. Just a normal day for mwah. I don't even notice bloating, I just know that the scale jumps a kilo which is why I wanted it before then.

And now I know when I'm working this week, I can make my schedule for exercise! Woooo!

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Okey dokey. So, food diary: oats, chicken salad wrap, apple, yogurt and roast pork dinner. 1400 calories ish which is a bit much, but I will of course take into account walking to work, work (10-5) and boxing which makes my day very healthy!

Tomorrow: Day off! (From work :P Obviously, I'm not slacking off on my last day before weigh in! I'll pretend I'm in last chance training on biggest loser and go crazy). So! Boxing again in the morning at 9:15-10:00. Maybe I could walk there/walk back? If I wake up early on my own without an alarm I will. See how far it is.

Then day off so who knows what I'll do with myself. I'll do Zumba at 6 and then basketball at quarter to 8! Hooray! I will be dead but it will be the good kind of dead.

That means Friday I will be back to running, if my blister okay-s it. If basketball is okay, running should be. I just desperately need a new pair of shoes, I'm using Mum's that are 5 years old at least and I don't even have my own because I left them at my cousins and my auntie apparently threw them out. I will text her and see if that is still the situation.

I am feeling.... good. Nervous about Friday morning, but also excited because there is something thrilling about making a major change that you know will have results if you can stick it out long enough. Plus running further and punching harder (hopefully soon because my punches are embarrassing) and just being fitter and more able. Obviously looking more fit as well.

OH! I totally am starting to get muscle, I had it a few years ago, back when I was more athletic but I lost it I guess, at least, you couldn't really feel it when I flexed, though I was still reasonably strong. Now I can feel it a bit :) It's definitely there. Oh man that feels good. As much as in an ideal world I'd love to have that skinny long limbed look, short and thin, I know in reality that I am way too competitive to ever want to be weak. So I'll take an athletic frame. Which will still be skinny, but powerful enough to show people what I can do!

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Boxing was good. At the beginning of every class Sam is like 'this is Lucy!!" though honestly, I recognise most of them, even if their names allude me. Which is probably why Sam had everyone introduce themselves as we boxed, because you change partners a lot. I just suck at remembering names. Like, I know there is a Cathy and a Jessica and I think a Sarah and a Gina but I am awful at remembering who is who. I do not have a talent for faces either.

But it was friendly and most of the women were older and nice. I was dripping sweat as usual, and the 60 second sprint (punching) was killer. I was so scared and I was going so softly by the end, especially when I have to punch up high and my arms were killing. But I freaking love using my knee. We go, punch-cross-punch-knee! And then we switch knees and then do both and it's so much fun omg. My partner for that commented on how I'm good at it. Actually, because I've done it before because I did it yesterday and last week and Sam's only just introduced it, I was the one showing everyone with her. I just like it because I'm aggressive and it's very satisfying the get the smack on the pads.

Then I came home, went to the beach about lunchtime, forgot my apple, so I bought yoghurt and toasted muesli at the Cafe, same as I did on Australia day. The beach was huge and rough so it was closed which was disappointing. But I had my book and I was already sunblocked out so I read and lay in the sun for awhile, not bothering to take off my shorts and top so I shouldn't be too burnt if at all.

I'm so tired now. It's 2 in the arvo but man, I woke up at 7 after getting 8 hours sleep and now I'm just dead again. It's just the exercise I think :)  May nap for a little while... weigh in tomorrow!

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I napped for over two hours lol. But I'm not going to be wide awake tonight, since obviously I've just been at Zumba followed by basketball so I'm gonna be tucked out in an hour or two. I feel good though, really good. I hate that I always fall off this exercise and healthy eating wagon, because I feel so damn good when I'm on it. I'm happy with myself, I feel hot, I feel like I'm accomplishing something, I'm meeting new people, I'm putting structure into my day, I'm improving (except at basketball omfg that was embarrassing) which means that I'll be more confident about doing new sports, sports at uni and will be more competent when it comes to physical tasks and strength. I feel relieved and calm, because whenever I feel negatively about my body or abilities, I can just think 'it's cool, I'm working on it, something is being done, soon this will not be a problem,' so I don't have to feel stressed about it. I don't have to feel angry and upset and stand in front of the mirror in distress because none of my clothes look good and I'm supposed to be going out and I can't deal with it.

Feeling sore is awesome, it means you've been working, and exercise like running gives you bragging rights. I can daydream about running 10ks or going Tough Mudder or running with a boyfriend or eventually being good enough at Zumba to be the one out the front doing it. I want to be the teachers pet where I do all my exercise classes, because I go to so many and get good at them. One of the women who I did boot camp with last year announced that she's lost 20kg which is amazing, and now she's like 'now I'm at my goal, I'd like to go a bit further' and that's basically my plan, get down to 60, be ecstatic and then push a little more. Obviously once I'm there, it's about toning, putting on muscle weight and getting rid of anything left to get rid of. Obviously you can't spot reduce but I'd like to lower my body fat percentage by quite a way.

Tomorrow we'll know I suppose, how I went. If only it wasn't for week 3 when I was on holidays and I overate so much Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I'm sorry, they were delicious. I don't regret it too much but I regret that if I don't lose much weight tomorrow morning, I'm going to want to beat myself up for that week, and I'll blame it on that, rather than being able to say 'well, I worked freaking hard, I won't give up because this bad result is just bad luck, I'll go better next week'.

Now, dinner time! Hmm, what do I want.... homemade super delicious low fat pizza on a wrap? I think yes. But do I want ham or salmon... salmon I think. Bye! See you tomorrow morning, I'll be either crazy happy or crazy upset! I'll let you know!

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Crazy upset. The number was bad, really bad. I can't understand it, except that I must have been higher that I thought when I started because there is no way what I've been doing shouldn't have lost me at least 3 kg. But I know that it's still coming off shark week, I know that soreness and high salt intake from last nights dinner could also contribute to water weight. I know that I've started to gain a bit of muscle which can make the number on the scale higher, even when I'm looking better. I suppose now it makes sense why my size 12 jeans are only fitting comfortably and not loosely. This is a disappointment. It makes me feel like nothing I did this month counts for anything. Fuckkk.

But now I am going to read what I wrote last night, I am going to read my motivation posters, and next week I will weigh myself again. That is literally all I can do. Next week if I don't lose a kilogram I will work out what I am going wrong. If I do, I will know that the process works, I just started the year at a shockingly high weight. Okay.

I feel good about myself still, mostly. This is a blow but I'm hoping hoping hoping I can rally from it. This is the worst case scenario I have been envisioning all this time, that I would make it to the beginning of this month and find that number so repulsive that I would quit in a fit of tears and anger and not stay on doing all this.

Well, I am. Still doing this. I'll do exactly what I said I was going to do. Who cares if it takes a little bit longer? This just means that my progress pictures will be more impressive when I show them later. It just means I have more kilos to brag about losing. If I can feel kind of good about myself now, how will I feel 15kgs lost from now?

I suppose I didn't take Christmas and all of those celebrations into account when I thought about what I must weigh. That could have made me put on a kilo I suppose. Next week we'll see. And in the mean time I will have a really good week, just like this one was.

I will also start measuring so I can do inches as well. That's a better measure of fat loss than the scale really.

I've now been on a run- 28 minutes. At the start of this week, I could only run 15 minutes. I've nearly doubled it and in Week 6 I should be running 40 minutes- hopefully getting very close to my 5k mark. The run was mixed, it started badly and I was just thinking 'Look, running was a bad idea, let's just stop, go home, do it tomorrow when we're feeling better'. But I told myself 'no, if we do that, we'll just be more upset, don't give your brain any more fodder for why you are failing. It doesn't matter if you fail, not really, just as long as you try as hard as you can. The harder it is, the greater your accomplishments will seem when you achieve them." So I rallied. I got around the lighthouse in my first k and it was hard. I stopped at the bubbler because my mouth was so dry and that gave me a small rest. I ran to the entertainment centre and started to feel good. I made it around the high school and it was easy. I made it up the hill and I was going so slowly but I didn't stop. I made it past the hotel I said I would stop at and went an extra 100 metres to get the the long traffic lights. Then I stopped. Just under 4k I think. So it was a slow run, 7 minutes per k. But I am happy with it and will do even better tomorrow or Sunday.

I was told to take a rest day or two, Sam told me to have the weekend off and I said I would, but does running really count? If I stop running, I won't start again. Running is like work for me. If I go a lot, it loses its intimidation factor and it's just work. But when I start just working once a week, I start to dread it because I build it up in my mind as this hugely intimidating thing and I have to force myself.

I didn't tell Mum the number I lost, just said it was bad and disappointing and she sympathised with me and said I still did look slimmer, last night she said my collarbones are more prominent and that sometimes you lose half a kg but then lose 1.5kg the next week. Next week could be a lot better, I just have to work hard this week and in Week 6 we'll see how I went.

The most frustrating thing, and the reason not weighing myself was a good idea, is that as soon as I knew, I was looking at my body differently. Instead of feeling good and sexy and slim, I just was like, "well, yep, there's all that fat that makes up that number, I can see it now. That's frigging awful."

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I'm so tired. Maybe it's because I'm not eating enough, maybe its just because I had a good run, worked all day and walked to and from work as well, but I'm buggered and have been since about 7pm. It's past 9 now so I as soon as I finish this, I'm gone, I seriously can not stay awake. I ate some yogurt to give me some energy but it's slow burning and low in kilojoules so I don't know that it did too much. I should have had an apple, those are supposed to wake you up with the sugar hit and I can always use more fruit, though the sugar content is alarming.

Okay, I'll be asleep by half past 9 and awake at 6, mark my words.

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Half right, I was asleep by 9:30 but I slept in til 8! Hurray! I could still go for a nap now though... what is wrong with me?

I still am not seeing my friends, my social life is at a standstill and I don't know what to do about it. Why does no one have any enthusiasm? Not even me, I don't want to do anything. I do, but I don't. I have new TV shows to watch, movies I could put on, books to read, things to do. I could shower.

But I'm in a normal Saturday mood that I call very simply 'EAT'. I just want clinkers and bed. I'm doing well, really. I had a snack and it was just an apple, I had two big fulfilling meals for breakfast and lunch and I am absolutely not hungry. I just want food. Still, this is what I made my motivation posters for, and I'm trying to remember that that voice in my head saying 'do it' isn't the real Lucy, while the Lucy that says no is the weak subconscious, it's the other way round and the 'do it' is the toddler voice who just wants everything and wants it now. No vision.

I told Mum that if she didn't eat the last 8 pieces of Top Deck in the fridge I was going to, and so she was like 'give them to me' and gave them to my brother so there is no chocolate in the fridge :) I'm conflicted because it's good but toddler Lucy is like '... she probably hasn't given them to Tom yet, look in her handbag...get em back, a few pieces won't kill you...'

My mind is weird. But toddler Lucy, who I'm going to call TL, will grow up if I don't encourage her. I think it truly will be like training a little kid, cos that's what she is. I just have to say 'no' and be reasonable, and do things that make he happy without making me unhappy as well. If she's satisfied, she won't have to ask for more all the time.

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Damn it, I forgot everything I wrote like, 3 hours ago. I made cookies, healthy ones from oats and banana, but they also had honey and olive oil and coconut so they were pretty high in calories, though they have lots of fibre and good stuff in them. And I ate 3 and a half... it's just that even though I'm not a baked goods person, I like baking and I can't resist just-out-of-the-oven anything. So I figured I had to eat them while they were warm and I did and they were good. It gave me something to do and I know I shouldn't feel guilty for eating but I did so I went for a sunset run. I will still go tomorrow but I have good news!

I ran 40 minutes! 5.5 kms which is good. It was super slow obviously, 8 minutes to run a kilometre (that's a 12 minute mile), but I feel like I'm finally back in the zone where I can just run and after awhile you just don't get tired and it's not killing you and you know you are doing something good for your body and getting fit and burning calories and everything is positive. Obviously though the reflection in shop windows still isn't great but I'm remarkably unselfconscious when I'm running in leggings and a T-shirt. I'm actually way worse when I'm in a dress and makeup. As soon as the Colour Run is over and the pressure isn't on to run 5kms no drama, or knowing me, tomorrow, I'll start trying to make it higher in intensity. When running becomes easy, it's because I'm moving at a snails pace and not putting any stress on my body. It's why I need Zombies Run! but also HIIT (high intensity interval training) scares me because ew, effort. I get super exhausted after I try to run fast for a bit. And then I can't run at all and I give up and it's a mess- that's what happened on Tuesday mornings run.  But I know it'll help me, plodding along is nice but I also need to improve speed-wise now I'm back at over 5k.

I had one egg, half a left over roast potato from yesterday and broccoli for dinner. I am filled up, satisfied and I was able to fix my day after overeating on biscuits. In some ways, I think it's a lot better to have a day where I eat more but I exercise because it's healthier on my body, making sure I receive all the nutrients I need and am not starving myself, but also I get the additional workout and increase in fitness that doesn't come from just eating fruit and lounging around.

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So, today I ran....drumroll please.... 60 minutes and 7.5 kilometres! Which is so slow it's embarrassing, it was like a stumble jog but who cares, it's awesome.

My blister is back with a vengence and my legs are falling off but I did it :)

I'm really happy with myself for doing it, though today should have been a rest day... I'm working all of tomorrow so I'm not going to be resting but I won't run in the morning. That'll give my blister time to heal and I'll still be doing boxing and walking to/from work :)

Here are yesterdays and todays after run pictures. Im kinda mixing it up, putting some here, some on Tumblr....

Also here is my route, all 7.5 ks of it.

Woohoo!!

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Okay, I'm calling tonight's dinner my cheat meal for the week. Satay Chicken from Nams is the best food on the planet. It's spicy and peanut buttery and so delicious I seriously just can't. I can't even.

But I ran today for a frigging long time, I had calories I needed to eat- honestly, I am trying my best to eat moderately and not starve myself in any way. Would it be nice to purge and get to keep eating delicious food all the time, well yeah, if 'purge' was just a word and didn't mean throwing up, ruining your throat and teeth, getting an addiction and eating disorder that would never go away completely and having an unhealthy relationship with food for the next god knows how long. No thanks.

Food is fuel. It's also delicious and if eaten in the right portions, awesomely good for you. I'm not saying I should eat satay chicken every day, but once every few weeks, sure. There is food for your body and food for your soul. I didn't overeat the rest of the day, I ate really well, I exercised beyond well, and I drank a ton of water because it was so spicy that right now my stomach is killing me, not from overeating (I put only half of the chicken and rice on my plate, and still didn't finish the plateful), but from guzzling so much water. If I have it tomorrow night, I will make my portion size even smaller, and add vegetables.

I saw my Dad's new place today. Wow, I get a kick out of saying that, it's been a long time since Dad's had a place. All he had in the fridge was 3 packs of chocolate Monty's, a pack of snakes, a pack of smarties and milk. Oh, and about 6 cans of coke lol. I didn't have any of that :) I waited for dinner and was rewarded with deliciousness that I do not need to feel guilty for. And I don't.

Week 4

You know that feeling when it's late at night and you are trying to sleep  and you are just thinking about the future and making heaps of plans and are feeling super motivated? That was me right before but now I'm feeling sick and my nose is kind of runny and the side of my throat hurts and it's miserable. I'm not very used to being sick. If it weren't for the fact that I've never been allergic to anything, I'd say I'm allergic cos it doesn't feel like a cold. I am itchy in my throat and the side of my mouth and my nose is just irritating. Feels like when I got a chip stuck in my throat a few days ago, the irritation of my windpipe from it going down the wrong way basically inflamed the whole sinsus system.

In other news, I am so sore after yesterday. Today I went on a long walk with a friend plus work/ walking to work so all was good today apart from painfully sore legs (damn you squats, you better make my ass look good). I didn't eat much though, I'm not starving myself but I just didn't feel hungry after work so I just had fruit and peanut butter which meant I underate today. I WAS hungry at lunch but I was at a friends and despite them losing weight really well and more consistently than me, she was planning on having a pie for lunch which to me was thanks but no thanks. So I waited til almost 3 when she was gone.

I made my uni timetable tonight which is good. It's nearly identical to my bffls. It also factors in netball, sports at uni, work and exercise classes so hopefully this is a good term for me :) Sadly 3 of 4 tutorials are on the same day but 2 are psych which don't have homework due every lesson like Commerce does. Now just fingers crossed my friends have timetables that match up a bit!

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Yep, it's a cold. Or the flu, I don't know, I don't know if I've ever had the flu... but I usually just feel stuffy and regular cold symptoms, but today I legitimately feel a tad woozy. I also woke up at 6am which was annoying but I'll go back to bed at some point, my day is mostly free, apart from some errands.

I've gotten obsessed with green tea the last week or two, so I've just been sitting at the table mournfully sipping tea from a spoon with the tip dipped in honey. I don't know if it's that or the Panadol but my throat isn't killing me anymore. I also sliced up half a banana and ate that because I get the feeling I'm not going to want to eat much today, which almost never happens, but I think I'm putting myself on a mostly liquid diet today. Lots of fluids and sleep I think would be best. Which is why I'm not stressing my honey intake, though it means I've already gone over my daily recommended sugar limit before 7am.

I do go over every day though, milk and honey and fruit are like the main staples of my diet and are all high in sugar which is silly. Beats chocolate though, I have a sweet tooth, I'm not going to stop indulging in it, just making sure the sources are full of other really good stuff like antioxidants and calcium and fibre.

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Hurray! I got another 2 and a half hours of sleep, though I had weird, semi realistic dreams like my brother asking me if he and a friend could make lasange for dinner and because my parents are away, it's just me and him, I was like 'no, I don't want to do all that washing up, I'm sick' and we had an argument, which is basically real life, except Tom doesn't eat pasta or cook.

I'm drinking more tea and feeling quite good, though still weak and puddly.

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I'm rereading my favourite diet/anti-diet book, written by Ajay Rochester, who was the host of the Biggest Loser for lots of years. BL was my favourite (and only) reality TV show when I was younger, not because I identified or anything, I never considered myself fat (cos I wasn't) but I just liked it. My Dad even watched it cos we'd have something to talk about, though I didn't realise that was why at the time (my parents are divorced). Anyway, it's one of those get healthy, crash diets don't work, you need to be happy and fulfilled, weight doesn't make you happier, don't make excuses type books, I really do love it, it's just full of advice and ways to make your life happier, rather than how to go on a crazy regime and starve and hate yourself to fit into a dress. She's also very funny and down to earth so it's a fun read.

One of the tips she has is to have that one item of clothing that everyone has, that is that size too small, that you used to fit or that you use as motivation to fit into. For me, I have a pair of cheap size 10 skinny jeans that I bought knowing that while they did up (just), they did not fit. I did wear them last winter though, just with loose shirts so you couldn't see how much fat was mushrooming over the top. So I got up the courage and starting trying my jeans on, first my size 12 jeans, which also caused apprehension because I don't wear jeans during the summer and I remembered them being tight and they were okay, not loose sadly, but they fit comfortably, with no muffintop, which is how they should fit. I'm not saying I like how I look in them, I don't, my thighs suck, but it's okay, I have jeans that fit and aren't a size I'm ashamed of. A comfortable size 8 or 10 is the dream though.

I also have a few dresses that don't fit well, so getting into those would be good. Every week I'll try on my jeans until they fit. It's a good non scale goal to have, and since right now I'm not weighing myself, they're good to have.

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Being sick is lame. I've only got two panadol left in my pack so I'll have to pick my moment for using them. I'm not too bad really, it's just that it's affecting my sleep. I woke up about 4am, couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and took a book down to the beach to watch the sunrise. For the second time this year that I have tried to watch the sunrise, it was overcast and a total fail. It's now 8 and I still haven't seen the sun.

I got brekkie down at the cafe, yogurt with muesli, which is delicious, though I assume it to be high in calories. I tracked it at about 500. It was the small size though and it is all good for me, so yolo. I want to stop going under my calorie goal, it's not good for me and I don't want my body going into starvation mode or slowing down my metabolism, I want that thing going all cylinders! It's hard though, being sick because I can't tell if my stomach hurts because I'm hungry, full or sick. It's very confusing. Right now it's hurting and I've eaten all that food so it's not hunger like it was at 5am when I was lying in bed, but I don't think I particularly overate. So maybe it's all just 'I'm sick ow' pains. I think I might go back to bed for awhile, see if that helps. I didn't get much sleep obviously due to waking up hours before the crack of dawn.

Happy Australia Day.
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I slept for about 2 and a half hours, woke at 11am. Spent the next few hours writing and computering but at about 4:30pm I decided to get my ass out of doors. All the Australia Day celebrations are basically at my doorstep so I figured that I'd walk into town to go to Woolies (again) because it's a good walk and I figured I could get some soup or something for dinner. I went via all the entertainment and festivities. I actually really liked the atmosphere, I like everyone decked out in flag paraphernalia, all the girls in sundresses and short denim shorts and the guys in boardies. I didn't buy anything or eat anything there which wass good. By almost 5 o clock, you don't really want to trust the little stalls selling meat anything. Food poisoning would be way too likely.

So I got to Woolies, bought a fresh cooked roast chicken, which is something I've been asking Mum to do for ages, because I don't really know how to cook chicken breast myself, but having chicken in the fridge is good and healthy (provided I take the skin off which I... might do, I don't know, I love chicken skin.

I also got Chobani Greek Yoghurt. I tried greek yoghurt once before and was not a fan, but everyone seems to love Greek yoghurt and it's the best for you, probably without all the added sugar that is in 99% fat free. I got it in the one serve pack though, so it's portion controlled. Same with the frozen yoghurt, I just got two small ones.

So that was all positive. Now, chicken time. Omnomnom!

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My bffl came over after she finished work. I facebooked her though she was offline, just to tell her to ask me about my run tomorrow (to ensure I did it), she can shame me like no one else, and she's a convincer. She was like, k can i come over? so I said sure and she came over and she mocked my motivation letters/posters. I didn't want her reading them, it's not that I'm embarrassed by them, either that I wrote them or their content, it's just that she wouldn't get it and that sort of thing, when read out in a voice to make it sound funny... it would sound ridiculous. I talk about my future self like she is a separate entity, like we are a tag team. I do my bit, then she does hers, then future-future-Lucy does hers and eventually super-future-Lucy gets the benefits. We all just do one leg of the race.

And it works for me, I think that'll motivate me, I think it'll keep me on track. It was fun to write, I had a great time with it. I want this pretty bad.

So she kept trying to read them while I attacked her with pillows. Eventually I just told her to get out and we went back to the living room. I don't mean to sound like she's a bad person or mean, she isn't... she doesn't mind me mocking her about things as well, she just needs the amusement. She's my bffl, it's k. My motivation posters though, they're my dreams, they're my fantasies and my faults and it's talking about the things that I find difficult to combat, not the things she has trouble with. She's moderately skinny, it's not the same. Just like my weightloss isn't the same as someone over 100kg, she can't understand exactly where I'm coming from.

She brought dinner with her, Satay Chicken from Nams, it's literally the best food you will ever eat, ever. She offered to share but I just said no and didn't really even think about it. I had 2 tiny finger swipes for a taste when she was clearing her plate but that was all. 2 months from now, if I don't give up, I'll weight less than her. God, the day cannot come fast enough.

She's like 5'10 or 5'11 by the way, so as she pointed out, I'm supposed to weigh a lot less than her. Still, it'll make me feel top of the world!

If I wake up early tomorrow again, I'm going for a run when I wake up. Either way the run is going to happen, but I'm not setting an alarm.

Goodnight, it's 11:11, that's good luck right?

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I finally woke up at a normal time! Huzzah! Well, about 10 to 8, so it was still early but not ridiculous. And when I go to bed before midnight, it's too be expected. I don't really sleep more than 8 hours.

It was rainy when I woke up so I was like, 'I'm not running in rain or morning cold after rain', but I was a teeny bit disappointed because I did kinda want to run and get it over with.

I waited until about 11 to finally do it. I ran 15 minutes, from North Gong to the Entertainment Centre. It's not far, just over two k's I think. I have 14 days to run a comfortable 5k, because that's when the colour run is. Eep! But totally doable, it's cool. I'm sure I'll keep updating through Week 5 and 6, because there is no way I can back out, this run cost 50 bucks, so motivation will have to remain high these two weeks. Which is thrilling because I don't know if I've got to a perfect week 5 or 6 before. Normally my diary entries stop after week 4 and I pretty much give up.

The colour run is coming at a perfect time. Because by the time it comes, I'll have marched through this upcoming danger period of give-up-itis, also helped along by the fact that I'm going to be paying 110 dollars for unlimited exercise classes in February, which is a lot of money so I'll be kicking my ass getting to those classes and making the most of my last month off before Uni starts back. That'll get me through weeks 9 and 10. 11 and 12... well, they'll be hard, but because of the fact that most eating plans go for 12 weeks, this will feel like the end, the success period. I'll be hopefully changed enough that everyone is starting to tell, especially me and I think that I can use that to motivate me in the transition back into classes and less free time and exercise etc. I also think the novelty of going back to different sports will make the first few weeks exciting and fun.

That's what I'm hoping anyway, that that is how I will keep up motivation for the next 56 days. After that... well, I can make plans when it gets a lot closer. But by then I could weigh realistically under 65kg. Easily.

Assuming I'm about 72 now, which I could be less than, I'm hoping I'm less than. To be perfectly honest, I'm hoping I'm under 70. I don't know if that's realistic, but I've been going a month now, or I will have been when I weigh in. 1 kilo a week, probably more in the first week because of water weight, unless I was 75 or over, which would have meant that I was basically at my highest weight after Christmas... I should be 71 or 70. But 69 is my dream right now, because I frigging want a healthy BMI. Then it's just making myself hot.

Another thing, realisation I suppose you could call it. I never expect to have realisations, I'm a know-it-all, I assume I already know and have understood everything, but Mia pointed out to me that my goal of 60 isn't actually as low as I could go. She could be 60 and be in healthy range. I could be 55.

I have never even considered going that low, which is weird. I don't know, that'd make me legit skinny, I actually don't know. Like, I want it, but I never even thought it was possible, but it is, technically, even if my imagine doesn't stretch that far. And I want it, now that I've considered it. I have no affection for curves. I mean, I kind of have them, but to me, they aren't as good as slim limbs and a small waist. I kind of have an hourglass figure, I could still have some boobs and hips, but in a totally different way to now. I don't want a big bum, I just want to be slim. So sadly, that means I now have further to go but it's a journey I'm excited for.

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Finally it's the final day of this post. I can't wait to start an actual new one for the next week.

Here's what I'm thinking today. 1) I took new selfies in my bra and PJ pants, same as I did 3 weeks ago. I can't see a different sadly. I mean, I purposely make sure not to suck in or anything on the new one just so I can see a difference, but it is a tad disheartening. Still, it hasn't been too long, I'll do it again in a few weeks. The worst part is that it means there's always half naked pictures on my phone which could lead to embarrassment later. I'll keep you updated for that eventuality, considering I lend people my phone all the time.

As well as disheartening, I think it makes me realise that my biggest enemy here isn't not losing weight fast enough, it's mindset and becoming desperate. I think that's why lots of diets fail and make people feel awful about themselves and in some cases turn to anorexia and bulimia (also, I dreamed last night that I freaked out about eating and tried to make myself throw it up because I was so upset- not a particularly good sign). It's because being desperate to change and be different to how you are now, while generally being what kickstarts these things, also leads for you to quit them when you can't see results quick enough. You'd think that it'd make people just keep going and use the desperation to fuel their desire and keep going the hard yards but I think it just makes them feel hopeless and like nothing they do will help, ending in quitting.

I've heard this kind of thing before, that perfectionists are more often procrastinators, because they just think that they don't have the right skills or resources to reach their goals perfectly now, so they don't attempt at all. I'm not exactly a perfectionist, but I understand the feeling. If I get overwhelmed with how far I have to go, I won't be able to take things one day at a time, which is the only real way to go about it.

So, as always, remaining positive, healthy eating does work, come see me again in a month and I'll be proving it. Come back in six and I'll be the goddamn poster child.

I'm not going to be afraid to dream big okay? Some people are like, don't count your chickens before they hatch but I disagree, this doesn't hurt anyone and I want to reach far, I want to do this so well until everyone notices and I'm satisfied. Can you imagine weighing in the 50's?  Well, I can't. But know my best friend has opened that idea up to me, I want it soooo much.

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So it's raining and I have this bloody cold still, worse than ever. Mum went shopping and forgot tissues so I'm still using toilet paper which is lame. But she bought me for passionfruit greek yoghurt and panadol so I'll forgive her. I told my best friend to give me shit until I ran yesterday and while I didn't actually speak with her yesterday, today she got on Facebook and Tumblr and gave me the 'NO EXCUSES, RUN BITCH' spiel. I was just like '....but it's raining and I'm sick." And that was true, but I was miserable at home. I was guilty and bored and I actually went to the fridge and was mindlessly starting to eat which is exactly the wrong thing. I chose grapes, so it's not like I sinned but the behaviour is still bad because boredom eating is the devil.

So... I eventually put on leggings. Then an hour later I put on a tank top. Then I downloaded the Glee Version of 'No Scrubs' and put it on my running playlist. Then I got my joggers on. Then I found a ziplock back for my phone. Then I filled my hair with bobbypins. Then finally, I went jogging in the rain.

And it was so good, omfg. This is me right after I finished, my phone in it's ziplock back. So sexy hahaha.

I forget that I love running around in the rain in clothes. It's so much fun, you just want to grin and dance around. It's even more fun when you're with friends and you can kick water all over them. I remember in Year 12, while I was still dating my boyfriend, it was raining and I convinced you know who to walk into town in the rain with me and we both got soaked. My bf was there too but he was depressed after screwing up a test and my sympathy was all time low (I was an awful gf for him), so he was walking with other people about 10m back and it just just me and you know who jumping in all the puddles and absolutely soaking each other. Such a good memory.

So I improved on yesterdays run by about a km. 22 minutes this time but I could have gone farther I think. I mean, I can always go further, minds give up miles and miles before your legs do. But I was happy with 6 minutes longer than yesterday. And Wednesday will be even better, I'll run all the way home.

It's just so hard to convince myself to get out there. The second I start, it's great. But this morning, I was actually thinking 'I hate running, I should just do exercise I like, why do something I hate?" I fucking love running. The feeling when you finish, the weightless, exhausted feeling of pride and accomplishment when you finish is one of the best feelings in the world. The feeling when you get home and the rest of your day is impossible to recreate any other way. It's like you've done your work for the day, you're guilt free for the rest of the day, you're happy and exciting and planning how much further you'll go the next day.

But like an episode of Glee, when you wake up the next morning, you've forgotten all of that, and all you remember is that it's cold and early and running is hard. Frigging ridiculous.

Which is why I make my plans in the aftermath of a successful run and get my best friend to badger me. Before I run, her badgering is annoying, makes me guilty and stressed, but afterwards, I'm so thankful for it. Tough love indeed.

I still can't work out how to eat enough. I only have two modes, too much or not enough jfc. I can eat 1200 but I can't manage to replace my exercise calories. I'm trying by giving myself yoghurt treats if I do all my exercise for the day. But I don't need it, I honestly do not need to snack during the day. I did it during holidays and things, but that was because I was bored and it was there. I can easily survive on 1200 split into brekkie, lunch and dinner. Fruit if I need more.

So I did two exercise classes today, strength and tone and boxing. Strength and Tone was a 45 minute class using dumbells and kettlebells as well as lots of push ups and other strength moves. Since it was my first time doing that class, I found some of the moves weird and hard, also because I clearly need to get stronger and my endurance with weights isn't very high. I'm not worthless, but need improvement.

My friend Jess who I do with with, or to be more accurate, I accompany her occasionally while she goes often, is a lot better than me so I need to remedy that :P It was really hard honestly but good. I don't mind being pushed. Or in any case, I know I need it and it's good for me so I try to welcome it.

The second class I begged Jess to stay for so I wouldn't be alone- boxing. I really liked it. Punching is hard and my form needs work but it's great for aggression and it's so much fun using knees and elbows. I feel both graceful and powerful :) Obviously I finished it sweaty as fuck, with my hair wet from root to tip. But it was great, I felt good after, a bit sore, but I convinced myself to shower straightaway and Mum got me new shampoo that smells nice and facewash, which I don't really need because I generally have clear-ish skin but I want to live without the last few pimples, also the more I sweat, the worst my skin is likely to get. Most people's skin gets better when being healthy cos less junk food. Mine gets worse cos increased exercise. Such is life though. I'm in one of those lotions and potions mood, where I have lots of body washes and creams etc, which exfoliate and wash and make me smell nice and soft.

Self esteem is holding well, I'm really pleased with how I feel lately about myself. I know that I'm a total exhibitionist, duh, my room is full of soft lighting, fairy lights and wall length mirrors so it's good when I look and it's pleasing and I'm like, yep that's me... sexy as fuck, I'd totally bang me, awesome.

I know it's almost just 100% perspective, rather than actual changes, but when I can accept my body and actually like it, it's great. I think it's a matter of focusing on just the overall picture as well as finding bits that I do like, rather that thinking about the negatives. Plus the hair just makes me feel different, like a new person.

If my self representation in my head is blonde and white skinned with long hair, and yet in the mirror I'm short haired, with a tan and brown hair, it's easy to see that as a different person which might make it easier to accept. But also I'm sure there are some physical changes which I am also appreciating. Sam, my Zumba instructor said to me on Tuesday- I haven't seen her since last month when I finished boot camp- that I'd lost weight and was looking slimmer. Hooray! That's the best thing in the world to be told.

There's a meme on Tumblr that's like 'The three words a woman wants to hear from a man-- you lost weight.' Haha. It is very nice to hear. In a month or two, hopefully people will notice :)

So just a quick update, my week is going well. I got a new ear piercing, to replace the previous one that I accidently let close up. It's a green earring so I think it's quite cute. It always makes me feel badass to have the upper ear piercing.

I also finally cut my hair today. I am now the proud owner of an unattached ponytail which is sufficently creepy enough to scare people and gross my mum out. The new style is about chin length, rather than nearing my bum. Everyone says short hair suits me and while I'm not convinced of that, even my two friends that are the hardest to impress like it thus far from pictures. If I had better internet connection I would upload a picture but I'll have to wait until I get home. But it is cute. All I need now is a tattoo and I'll be sufficently rebel. Maybe next year I'll get that and a navel ring lol.

I also went to the circus and held a baby lion cub. I have a picture to show later.

You Know Who and I are also texting almost every day which is nice. I like having someone to tell theese things to!

I'm eating a lot to chocolate sadly. Health has fallen to the wayside a bit though I'm not giving up, just accepting that I need some holiday leeway.

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My hair is so weird. It looks even thicker than normal, which is normally a good thing but since my best friend said yesterday 'it's good you cut it cos you have too much hair', I'm reevaluating. I woke up with the most spetacular case of bedhead this mornong. Everything was fluffy and sticking up lile crazy. As my cousin would say, I looked adorable.  She also calls my hair very feminine but there are conflicting reports since my brother seens determined to make sure I know I look like a boy. Maybe it would if it were shorter, like, at all cropped but my cousin told me not to do that cos she knows how much I like to play with my hair and curl it etc. Right now it's just messy and pushed back with sunnies. I'll have a shower and see if I can make it look like a style again.

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I just got home from Zumba but I was in a high self esteem mood so here is a wet-from sweat hair and red face webcam pic so you can see my hair. Sexy huh? :P

So.... 14 days down. This has been a nice year so far. Spent a lot of time with friends, going away tomorrow and I'm eating healthy :)

I haven't overeaten ever. I've nearly not been tempted. Only by small things like a single teddy bear chocolate biscuit or a small freddo. The freddo I ate, the biscuit I put back.

I'm just worried I'm becoming a tad obsessive, to the point that it's not totally healthy. Like, not eating pizza when at a friends house where everyone is eating it. Or feeling guilty about eating a muesli bar. Maybe I was hungry, maybe I wasn't, but should it really have mattered? I ate it, I was under calories still, so why did it matter? I can't feel guilty for eating, that's how eating disorders happen.

I can never think dumb things like, I wish I just had a bit of anorexia, so I'd have self control, or maybe if I just threw up one time, it'd get me out of a mess. I can understand how people think those things, because I eat under calories almost every day, not much, but a bit. And I mean, under calories for loosing weight. 2000 is maintenance, 1200 is kilo a week, and under that is unhealthy. I eat around 1000. I shouldn't, but I like to do it, I like feeling in control and I feel so much more positive when I eat under. Eating disorder, no, but perhaps unhealthy.

Day 15-22 is being on holiday, so we'll see how I do there. Lots of swimming (and lazing by the pool or in the spa with a book), lots of walks, lots of exploring the rocks and long talks with my cuz. Lots of cornettos from the corner shop to cut out :P But it'll be a lovely week full of family fun, cards, books, beach, bikinis. All of my favourite things :) I'm glad I'm not one of those girls that's too scared or ashamed to wear a bikini, like, I understand it and of course I understand insecurity, but I feel just as insecure, if not more, wearing clothes that I don't think are flattering. I almost always feel pretty in a bikini (and boardies). It's why I have so many haha. It'll be nice not to wear boardies though, once my legs are nicer. Right now it depends on how I feel, occasionally I won't but mostly I do.

Week 3 or 4 is when I usually fuck up my healthy eating plans, because my life sucks or I move, or my dogs get taken away or something, and the same thing is happening now because it'll be 'dinner at the club!' or 'hot chips for lunch!' or KFC or just other things. I take full responsibility for my failures before, I won't let those things be excuses.

I'll come back after this holiday feeling pleased with my week and all aspects of it. Then I'll be another week down and another kilo lost (hopefully haha). I'm not going to weigh myself until February 1st, so who knows.

So! You-know-who starts talking to me last night, about 11 something. Remember that pic with the fake tattoo on my breast/collar when I was dressing up as a Hunter? Well, he was trolling my pictures after going through the Schoolies lot and saw it and felt like mocking me a bit so we started talking.

It was lovely to catch up, though we always do it at inconvenient times. I have no problems staying up all night to talk, especially to him, because that's just what we do and it's easy and when it only happens now and then, and my 4am you're all deep and close and it's great, I never want to be like 'I have work in 5 hours, and it's a 7 hour shift, I need sleep." Which is what my day today is going to be.

Our conversations always regress into truth or dare but it's not that structured. If we get stuck on a topic, we don't have to move on, but it keeps conversation light enough and gives us an out all the time, as soon as we're uncomfortable, we're just like 'truth' if it's our turn to be asked, or t or d if it's theirs. Obviously, it's actually truth or truth so it's just questions, mostly sexual.

He has an incredible amount of interest in me getting a boyfriend and banging somebody, more so than I do. He lives to push me towards my ex (who has a girlfriend now) or other mutual friends. So I finally called him out on that and how not just annoying, but hurtful it had been that he did that, especially back when. I said.... "at the time it felt like you just wanted to shove me away so i wouldnt be your problem anymore and it was annoying" And he didn't deny it, he said 'it was a bad plan but i didnt want to believe that at the time' and that 'yer i realise that now, well a while ago but not at the time" so I was glad that I said it and glad he was serious in his response.

We also talked about his ex, and we did the 'what's something you're lying to me about?' question which is always tricky, though so much less so than before. We'd been talking about what spot we held in each others lives before, he was like 'I'm your gay friend, I have been for years' and I was thinking, yeah I don't kiss my gay friends, you're an tool' but out loud all I said was while I don't know what spot he has, it's not gay friend.

So I said I was lying, I did know, "You're like the exbest friend/crush so we're like bros that i know lots about and i understand you pretty good but we don't talk too much." So I told him that and he replied that we should talk more.

Then we talked about sex for ages. He's the first guy that I really have done that with (talked about it, not had sex with). I mean, we've obviously mentioned it before and talked about things, but this was back when he hadn't done too much more than I had.

Then he got weird after asking me if I'd ever been attracted to girls, I was like, seriously, I'm bi. And he was like, yeah guys find that weird so we argued over that for awhile and then I said I was sleeping now, and he said he was just being annoying, that I'm good looking and smart, I'd find a boyfriend, just as long as I stopped being so annoying. Warms the cockles of my heart, truly. Nah, but that last part was a joke, when we were talking about things we lie to each other about, we admitted that we don't find the other as annoying as we say we do. Our answers were both the same, 'DUH'. We bitch and fight because it's fun, not because we can't get along.

Anyway, it was a good conversation, I don't like him, honestly, the feelings weren't even there, it was great, for the first time I wasn't holding back retorts that were too 'flirting' because now I don't want to. Flirting isn't my goal with him, long term, solid close friendship is.

I know that's a change from my last entry haha.

 Note: I'm not apologizing for this entry and I'm not going to lie. Half the time I do but I just want to write how it was.

So I saw Les Mis yesterday, it was okay. I thought it was brilliantly filmed and the singing was incredible, the acting was great, only the storyline was so slow and I found it not thrilling at all. I spent most of the second half like 'what the fuck'. Starting from the daughter and guy having their Romeo and Juliet romance, then the father being like 'This boy loves my daughter and says she loves him back, though clearly stating they met last night, I better risk my life saving him'. And then the fact that the kid doesn't die after bad wounds that would have been infected as fuck after hours spent in the sewers, traveling around in shit, head to toe. Then the soldier dude killing himself. And just the Frankenstein type obsession he had with the prisoner turned businessman/mayor turned runaway, those always end badly and I knew everyone was going to die.

My favourite bits were the first scene, with the LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN and everything with Anne Hathaway was brilliant. I also liked Eponie (sp?), though her waist was so small, I was shocked, like how do her organs fit? I liked how the look down bit kept getting reprised, first when the poor were saying it to the rich, look down out of your carriages and see, and then again another time.

I went to the movie with a bunch of friends. We organised it about a week ago, well, I didn't organise, I was just like cool, yep. Then I was working all day and was sleepy and nearly didn't go. I was napping beforehand and was like, urgh, must I? Even though Les Mis was my idea so I figured it'd be rude not to. I didn't actually expect many people to be there, but there was 6 of us. You know who even came, which was beyond unexpected into what-the-fuck territory. He never comes to anything, so while it was lovely to see him, I kind of like warning. I wouldn't have worn a round-the-house sundress and neglected makeup. It's not that I want him, it's just I like him to think... well....nice things when he sees me.

When we went in, seating worked out really well. I thought it made sense, but it was my ex and his gf on the end, then you know who and I, then two other friends who usually pair up. Every time he'd get bored he'd start elbowing me and I'd elbow back, and we'd be just sitting there, forcing our elbows into each other with massive pressure until I gave up cos he was giving me bruises lol. And I like being the one he whispers comments to, when he leans over and whispers into my ear. It's not a new feeling, but he does it so well it always feels sensationally intimate.

I don't love him now, but he if was single, I would. I know I would, in a heart beat. Because when I wasn't paying full attention to the movie I was thinking about our arms which were touching side by side on the armrest and thinking if we were dating, I could take his hand and play with his palm and all this other lame Lucy-version-romantic stuff that I don't ever think of or want but when I'm with him, I do. There were also other thoughts which were less PG but we were in a dark theatre, so what can you do.

So to reiterate, I don't love him, I didn't touch him, there is nothing between us except friends. He's an annoying prat who shook popcorn and salt all over my lap and when I complained, did it again in my hair. He also pressed cold bottles of lemonade against my bare shoulder and pushes me when he gets bored.

I'm going away next week, same as I do every year but it reminds me that last January, I couldn't go half an hour without thinking of him. I remember during HSC and formal time, I'd consider it an achievement if I made it til half past 6am without thinking about him.

Now, maybe not a whole day, but I think of most of my friends in some capacity every day. He's mostly not important now.

First week on January down, it was pretty successful :)

I ate healthy all week and haven't felt deprived at all. In some ways, it's like waiting for the other show to drop because I know sooner or later I get tempted by things like chips and chocolate and it's fine while it's not in the house but it usually is and it's nearly shopping day.

What I've done differently this time is tried not to focus on it at all. I didn't start running again so the only exercise I've really been doing is walking each day to work and back, and crunches/squats/push ups etc.

I tried to make a resolution to only use myfitnesspal to count calories at the end of the day, not meal by meal, always thinking about it. I've endeavoured not to snack, and apart from some yogurt today when I got home and was starving, I've done that.

I've not been eating crazy strict healthy, I just have added veggies every night and lots of fruit, coupled with a lot less snacking and chocolate. i think that works pretty well because if I ever feel deprived I'm not going to make it work. So I had a lo fat crepe today (that's actually my favourite kind), I had a taco wrap at a sleepover last night with mince and cheese and veggies and I went out to dinner on Friday night. Things like that are near unavoidable, but delicious and awesome so I don't want to avoid them.

They only screw up my eating plan if I decide that my plan doesn't allow flexibility. If I declare that my plan isn't screwed up, I won't give up, I'll keep making it work.

I look 'before' pics yesterday, just in a spur of the moment, just out of bed looking gross, in sports bra and random pajama pants so hopefully those will spur me on to not give up because they are awful.

Mum has also suggested that I could try lite n easy for a while. Since only I eat non plain food in my family and have no one to teach me how to cook or introduce me to different types of meals, I may start getting the 5 dinner meals a week. That is the least that you can get, and it costs $68.00 from memory, which is expensive, but not out of the question. Mum wants me to get healthy and this will help. The meals are piddly small I know, but are supposed to be really good and are low in calories, as well as teaching serving size. They have a huge selection of delicious things, which is why the meals have to be small I suppose, because they are regular meals with creamy sauces, but only 400 calories.

I never weighed myself this time, maybe I will in another week or so, I don't know, I don't want to know. If it's bad it's bad. I have a guess, and if I start losing weight and eventually check, I'll just tell people the guess. It doesn't really matter, all my accounts have an original weight already.

I'm going away in a week, I do every year. I go down to Mollymook, which is near Ulladulla (south coast of Australia) with my fam. It's a great holiday, not too bad as far as healthy eating goes. I'll stop buying Cornettos all the time and eating hot chips and I'll be sweet :) Too bad I didn't get fit already, I had hoped to be super hot by this time but sadly, my fault, gave up. Ah well, always next year. And who says I'm not super hot now eh? No one knows me down there, I live in a bikini, I'm going to invest in my first spray tan so I'm not tempted to get tan and just end up sunburnt (though I do every year), so fingers crossed I don't look orange, and who knows, maybe I'll dye my hair back to blonde, if I knew how to go about it.

I've been freaking out tonight over it. Fucking permanent dye, why didn't I listen to my parents? After 18 years of being told what beautiful hair I had and how people kill for my colour, I stupidly dyed it dark with permanent dye and now it's never going to look right again and I hate it because I wash my hair heaps so the colour sucks now, it's light in some places, dark in others, but just....dull. Brown hair sucks. It's like the colour old women have when it starts to get salt and pepper, awful streaks instead of beautiful ones.

I liked it for awhile, being dark haired was pretty kinda, but I miss blonde and I know some blondes just never get their colour back.

~~~~~

I want to weigh myself but I don't at the same time.

Like, I want to know, it'll motivate me to lose more if it's a good number, will make me sad if it's bad, and either way it'll give me my new benchmark. I am doing things different than before, I'm not really kicking my ass with exercise, I'm doing a bit of walking most days, to and from work but that is it. Otherwise I'm mostly sedentary.

But I'm eating low amounts, generally just brekkie, lunch and dinner and that's going well for me. I'll keep it up until this week is over, then I'll be going away for a week on holidays, which unfortunately involves a lot of junk food normally and I'm sure will involve a bit of indulging, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum and I'll try to get some exercise in. Of course I'll be swimming and walking etc, but I'll make sure I'm not being too much of a lazy bum.

It will certainly test whether or not I'm serious about this eating plan, and I'm looking forward to it in some ways because when it's over I'll be three weeks down and maybe starting to notice some changes.

I'm feeling pretty good about my body right now, these last few days. Like, I feel normal most of the time, that's always been my problem, I never thought I was bigger than anyone else so I never did anything about it. Mum saying 'you'd look even prettier if you lost a kilo or two...' which turned into 'if you just lost three or five..' kind of rolled off my back until she became serious and said 'you're overweight Lucy, you'll lose opportunities, boys won't want you as much or come  up to you in clubs, you'll miss out on things etc, that I first got my ass in gear.

I don't always feel like that now, I do feel self conscious a lot, not because of Mum, more before the weight wasn't always there, I did gain over the last few years of high school. I might have never been a stick but I was normal and now I nearly am but if I lost 5 kilos I'd be better and 10, better again. Then I'd fit in with most girls, the skinny girls, the pretty girls, the popular girls, the ones that lots of boys like. I'd fit in with the girls that look good in lots of dresses, rather than now where I don't like many at all, and I accept that even the ones I like, I don't look fantastic in.

But, perks and disadvantage of having a full mirror on my wardrobe, I'm getting more familiar with what I look like. That isn't that new, I always check out mirrors and reflections in windows, I'm vain but also just like to check myself.

I have this awful muffintop, my tummy is a massive trial. As far as wearing jeans and shirts go, it could be the most problematic area. Upper thighs are worst in shorts, and maybe jeans, and upper arms are worst in tops but the tummy, when anything tight shows this bump between thigh and waist that is more than hip... that is not acceptable. It's why I mostly wear loose shirts or dresses that flare out or meet under my boobs or waist, rather than cinch at hips.

It's not that I don't like my shape, I accept it. I'd rather be super thin and have no boobs at all, but my shape, which has been tentatively classified as hourglass (barely, because I hardly have a waist, my boobs and hips are just quite even), so I'm okay with that. I just would like to make those curves about the structural makeup of my bones and skin and muscle etc, rather than just fat emphasising those points.

Also, my tummy, the way it falls out when I plank, that's when I really saw it. Normally it's there but not that noticable. I can suck in and I'm young and the skin is tight. So getting rid of that is a major goal.

Still, I clearly am not that motivated, because I'm not exercising that much. Diet is 80% though, I know that, and I'm eating really well, so we'll see.

I like to think I'm losing weight, I feel slim but I think that's more mindset that anything else.

I read a lot of chick lit. More than you'd expect. With a 5 dollar book store, I can't help it, I can buy lots and lots of books and sometimes those middle aged reads, with all adults and marriages, I kind of get into.

They aren't bad by any means, I read sophisticated ones and I like getting different perspectives on issues and relationships especially. It's one of those things I can't really picture. Being in a relationship is hard enough, I've never been in a properly functioning one so I don't really know what they're like, and being in a marriage even less, because everything has been said and it's all about appreciating the daily things, the 'how was your day' type stuff and I always picture it in this idealic way but books and TV show me that people have their own lives and thoughts and there is never the mind meld and perfect sharing and honestly that I expect in a marriage. I mean, what do I really have to drawn on? All the marriages in my family pretty much ended in divorce. I don't remember my parents ever kissing or anything, they may have but I don't remember it. I remember hugging Mum when Dad upset her and I remember Dad telling me he slept in the spare room because Mum snored and lots of other stuff, but not really anything couple-y. I can't think of one thing.

That wasn't what I was going to talk about.

I'm not going to harp on about this, but this book has a central theme of cheating and carries this view that all guys do it, all guys would if they had a chance, it's just how it is. Like, both the men and women think this. This is a quote from the man that cheated.

"And yet, and yet -- his crime is so very small, he's done no more than all men do, and if they don;t it's only for lack of opportunity. If you only knew- he addresses Belinda in his mind - it changes nothing between you and me. I still love you as much as before. I still want to be married to you. I still want to come home to you. Why do you have to be so hurt, when I never meant to hurt you?

You want to know the simple truth? It's different fr men. For us sex is something that happens outside our bodies. It's something that has no consequences. For you, for women, it's an act that takes trust and surrender, it has lifelong consequences. So don't grant my actions the emotions that would accompany them if they were yours."

I suppose I get it.

It grates though because I'm a big believer in gender differences being caused by environment, rather than genetics. But there is a difference when it comes to sex and as a younger teenager sex did represent invasion and did make me feel sick, and I don't think guys feel that way. I wrote this in Year 10.

"It can’t really be all that, at least for most people. It’d be awkward, painful, different. I’m scared of it in a way. I know it doesn’t matter but I’m just thinking. Having someone invade you, it just seems so repulsive, it doesn’t seem like sharing bodies or being one person, it seems just, unpleasant, even if its supposed to make you feel good."

And sure, now I'm more accepting of the idea but that's how I felt, I know girls that still feel completely intimidated by the idea. Sex is internal and I think that does make a difference because it makes you vulnerable.

Anyway, off topic again.

I never really thought of it like this before with you-know-who and everything, because to me, it didn't make sense that you could have something special with one person and just have it in one little box and then have something else with someone else. For me it'd be like watercolour paints on a rainy day and all the colours would run and mix. I don't feel in isolation. 

It's not that I can't imagine loving two people at once, I just can't imagine them existing without touching or affecting each other. That doesn't make sense to me.

2013 Questions Challenge

I'll keep this all to one entry so don't worry about being spammed every day with only a quick question :) If I miss a few days, and I'm sure it'll happen, I'll make sure to just answer all the ones I miss when I come back. I love New Years, even if it's super cliche, it's such an awesome marker to begin new things, if only I can keep momentum up!

Day 1: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself?

I want to do better at uni, I want all Distinctions next semester, I know I can do it if I try. I'll be doing less Commerce so hopefully that'll mean I'm able to go better because I'll be having more fun and am more interested in what I am learning:)

I'd like to get a boyfriend this year, so I'd like to meet some new people, become more confident, go out more. Organise some interesting things with my friends, maybe go overseas for the first time if I can find someone who wants to travel with me.

Lose a bunch of weight, 15kgs would be good to start :) Even if it doesn't pan out the way I fantasise about, any progress is progress, and at this point I just want to make it until the end of the month without quitting!

Annnnnd here is my picture :) Along with my messy bed haha.

Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal?

Downloading music. I think artists should make their money through a) tours and b) advertisment and sponsorship. At the very least, popular music, I still agree with supporting struggling artists/artists who haven't 'made' it yet. Besides, everyone does it anyway, you can't stop people, so why try?

Day 3: What you think your reason for being here is?

Just to... fulfill myself, to make life better for the people around me? I don't believe in any real preconcieved destiny or meaning, just what I make of it. I think life is amazing, I think it's special and worth everything. I think it's spectacular and brilliant and I want to live it to the best of my ability, doing the things I love, feeling deeply, loving completely, living generously and well.

  

Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream?

I'll talk about my fitness/weight loss dream because that's the biggest one that I work on daily, rather than the nearest/dearest to my heart which are just being happy and getting a good job and having a family and little kids and being a parent and having a husband who is lovely and getting to bang them all the time, which is all stuff I want but I don't have details for that. That's not so much a dream I 'achieve' as just my general life direction, fingers crossed and here's hoping.

So... if I achieve my weight loss dreams, and am now a size S or size 10, and I weigh 60kg and my tummy doesn't poke out at the bottom and I can walk into a clothes shop and look good in all the dresses, rather than in none, and can try different styles of clothes, and not feel embarrassed about even entering some shops because I feel like the skinny girls are laughing at me and the shop assistant is raising her eyebrow. I'd find it easy to find shorts that look nice and I could wear mid drift tops and shirts without cleavage because it wouldn't matter, I could look nice in other areas. I'd feel more confident and while it might not improve my conversation skills, I'd feel less insecure when talking to people, I'd wonder less if they liked me or what they saw in me- I know changing myself superficially wouldn't really make me a better person in any way, but I'd feel like people would have to stop judging me on how big I am and could pay attention to other things, even if it's still physical things, or beyond that, to what I'm saying.

I'd stop feeling restricted from doing things like going wild or flirting or believing that I was attractive enough for guys to be interested in me. I could put myself out there more and feel less like an out of place awkward penguin. Because the thing is,  I like myself.  I like how I'm nerdy and how I have an opinion on everything, no matter how little I know on the topic, because I respect the fact that I do know a lot about a lot of things. I like that I'm smart and capable and responsible and conscientious and a good friend and I may not be outgoing or a leader or funny but I think I'm worthwhile and special and people should like me but then sometimes I think, why would people want to be friends with someone who isn't pretty and who is big and flawed and binges on junk and is so scared of being judged?

And so I think, getting rid of that major insecurity would help me. I understand that physical changes can only be second to mental ones. I know that loving myself as I am is the only way that I am going to manage it when I'm thinner. But I don't worry too much because I do love myself, just not all of me, all the time.

Achieving this dream does mean a lot to me. I was going to say 'the world' but I know that I'd tried this before and it hasn't stuck, that I've given up and lost motivation and that sucks, because I know how much I want it, it's just so hard and it's just a daily thing, it's every meal, and added to that, thinking about exercise and what I can do, and what I should be doing and talking myself in and out of things. But every time I try, I learn something and do things and get a bit better and knowledgeable and further ahead. Not always weight wise, I'd stay I'm back at the start line there, but it's a journey and I get that and I got to get a lot of yummy food to get me back where I am so let's just say it happened and no regrets.  I'm a better runner, I know so much more about food, I'm not being obsessive over calorie counting now,  and apart from on this blog I'm not mentioning it to everyone, I'm just letting it be my thing.

Day 5: Something you would change about the world?

Equality ideally. Or just lack of discrimination. I want people to be able to be different, to have different cultures and ideas and bodies and skin colour and traditions and beliefs, but have equal opportunities given to them despite that.

I don't think it'll ever happen exactly, but I think we could be a lot closer than we are. As a world, the inequality is appalling, that parts of Africa and India and other third world countries where kids can't go to school and walk all day to get a few litres of water or food, and women are forced into marriages and raped and die giving birth, and men are working in dangerous conditions for a dollar a day, that those things are a reality while I get paid $300 for 20 hours work for my whole week, and can save most of it and still be totally comfortable and go out to dinner and go the movies and have a laptop and phone and... all of that, it's not fair.

But also all the first world countries inequalities, sexism, racism, ableism, cissexism, body shaming, looking down on people for accents, geography, haircut. I would change the way people judge each other for stupid things.

Day 6: Something you would like to change about yourself?

Damn, I was thinking about this all day and I had a good answer but I've forgotten it. My awkwardness I suppose, I'd like to lessen. The way I link my fingers in front of me, I've realised I do it all the time, whenever I feel uncomfortable or awkward (which is all the time). And while I've been trying to loosen up at work (one of the girls Cassie actually said something about my increase in snarking ability), rather than just keeping quiet. But I'm one of those people who agonises over what to say and when to say it and then I always pick wrong and I start speaking right when something happens or someone else starts speaking.

Day 7: A show or a movie that has changed you, and how?

Totally sucks to say, since I hate Glee so much, but Glee.

I remember watching the Pilot and thinking 'wow'. Those first 13 episodes were so right on the ball, and outrageous, and heartwarming and angsty, and you rooted for all the characters despite how crazy it all was. Plus you got music and everyone at least some people, has musical fantasies, where you get to sing songs about your feelings to whoever caused those feelings. At least I do, as soon as I put my ipod in, it's all 'who am I singing this to?' and 'what would be say?' and 'how would I perform it?', even though I lack singing and performance ability, it's a lovely fantasy.

But as far as changing my life goes, that's more to do with Brittana.

See, like most people, when it comes to relationships, I have a 'type'. Well, in TV shows, books and movies I do, in real life I don't usually go for what it is I actually like so my track record is weird. I ship all types of best friends, I just like the relationships that don't start in romance, I prefer similarity over opposites attract, I don't mind if they clash but generally, I like like-minded best friends who understand each other better than anyone else does.

Generally my OTP's aren't canon, because while I think this makes a perfect relationship, not that many people tend to agree with me. I'm a Harry/Hermione, Team Jacob etc. But see, Brittana was different and I don't know if I've thought of it this way before but while I like all my OTP's (they're my one true pairings- at least, one true pairing per show), Brittana is the otp to end otps, the ultimate. If I had to pick just one, I think it would be Brittana. I think I've worked out why and it's the fact that they're both girls.

The best friend relationship is my formula always, but I never identified with one as closely because I don't have a male best friend. Wish I did, I'd totally end up in love with them, but I never have. Brittana though, was something that I had so much head canon and back story for, without even thinking. I knew how best friends act and what they'd do together and talk about and how they'd spend summers and sure, they were hot cheerleaders and not too much like me personally, it didn't matter. I identified in the ways that mattered- subconsciously anyway. When it comes to my best friend, I'm fiercely protective, just like Santana is with Brittany and no one else. With everyone else, I feel like Brittany, and I follow other people's leads and like being the baby and feeling young and cared for and cuddled, and with this girl, I don't mind being the big spoon. Quite literally most of the time. With her, I always felt like I took on the more male role, helping her and giving her little flowers and calling her pretty and I don't know, lots of stuff.

To be clear, I'm just friends with this girls and I don't know what kind of feelings I harbour. She's different to everyone else and has been for years, but I don't think it's romantic anymore, it's just different.

But anyway, seeing that relationship develop on screen was magic and it was brilliant and I got Tumblr and all that changed my life, so Glee, I hate you, you suck, you make my day worse, but you created Brittana (at least the lovely Naya Rivera and Heather Morris did), so I grudgingly thank you for that.

Day 8: Things that make you sad?

One of my best friends has complex regional pain syndrome and that sucks heaps, which makes me sad. It's one of the worst pain disorders out there, has almost no treatments, pain killers do nothing so my friend just has to grin and bare it.

Still, it makes her life very tough and stops her from doing so many things, like running or sport, even just being able to rough house or be touched carelessly. It's such a random, pointless thing.

Day 9: Things that make you happy?

TV shows and books. And some movies. I can't live without characters and plots and stories and feels, I get a lot of joy from that. I also love sport, I like getting competitive and winning and getting better at things. I like pretty things, like rainbows and colours and fruit and ohmigosh, food.

Day 10: What you think when you hear the words “be yourself”?

I'm all about platitudes and cliches. I love them. I have a whole fitness blog dedicated to reblogging quotes like that. They totally motivate me. I think 'oh my gosh, that's RIGHT, I'm the only me there is! Why would I be a second rate copy of someone else when I'm GREAT? People need to like me for me because I'm too lazy to act like someone else forever! Eventually they'll work it out and then were would I be? To quote Darren Criss, there is nothing more badass than being who you are.

Day 11: The worst advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given?

I'm in a weight loss mood so I suppose I'm thinking along those lines, because there is so much bad advice out there about fitness and weightloss. Some of it is by the pro mia/pro ana people, things like the Skinny Girl Diet, which is eating basically around 300 calories a day (an average person eats 2000), or intermittent fasting, or juice fasts. Anything that tells you to eat less than 1200 is dangerous. Though I only ate about 900 today, oops. I fell asleep, things happened.

Day 12: The best advice you’ve ever heard, or ever been given?

I was trying to think of something profound but I failed a bit. I think the best advice I've been told is just to be comfortable with yourself, to like yourself, not to stress over things you can't change. My advice to people is generally unhelpful and condescending things like 'stress less' and 'chill out'.

Day 13: Your favorite quote?

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

~ Maya Angelou

I have a lot of favourite quotes but I think this is the top one for me. In the end, it's not the endless hours scrolling tumblr or sleeping or watching TV that'll matter, it's the heart beating fast, putting ourselves out there, crazy wild stupid things we do, those are the moments we'll remember. I need to endeavour to have more of those :)

Day 14: Write about something you believe in, anything at all

Feminism. I've written a bunch of posts on that, refer there for more :) Equality is important :)

Day 15: A song that makes you cry and why?

White Horse by Taylor Swift gives me lots of feels. Listen to it, it's pretty obvious why.

Day 16: Someone you trust?

My cousin Lizzy. She's pretty trustworthy :)

Day 17: Your idol and why you look up to them?

Jennifer Lawrence, for being such a badass, for being independent, funny, confident, herself and making no apologies for being that, while still being ambitious and driven.

Day 18: Why you made your blog, why you still have it?

This blog is purely because I love to talk about myself and I like thinking people are reading it :) My Tumblr blogs are to keep me 100% up to date on fandom and to keep me motivated and educated on fitness and nutrition.

Day 19: Your thoughts on your family?

My family is pretty good. Dysfunctional to an extent but all families are and even if some parts aren't really family, just people you're related to, I'm close to quite a few people that make the rest worth it. I think family is really important.

Day 20: What you think makes someone beautiful?

Confidence, a lovely smile and a killer tan :) I know that's superficial, but we don't have to talk about their beautiful soul do we? You don't look at someone and say 'dear god, they're beautiful', unless you're either in love or they have outer beauty aka dark tan, smooth skin and a pretty smile.

Day 21: What does your favorite tshirt look like?

I HAVE to change this entry because I got a new shirt today and I only wrote the entry last night so it's not a big difference, from my bffl, and its amazing, brilliant, perfect, argh. It's from America, my very first fandom shirt :) Goodbye fandom shirt-ginity. Here's a pic, I had to put it on as soon as I got it. It's Dean and Cas from Supernatural, it's fanart and the quote is from the first words Castiel ever said to Dean, "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

I am blissful with happiness.

Day 22: How you judge intelligence?

I know I shouldn't really, but I judge it a lot on IQ, education, politics, opinions and knowledge of random crap.

Day 23: A month/year of your life when you were happiest and why?

October 2012. I know that's when HSC and everything was, but it was a great time, both romantically (first pash), emotionally, socially and scholastically. Not only did I go well in exams, not really stressing out, I graduated then and probably had formal, I grew closer to my bffl and we were both really happy and dramatic and having dramas over boys and crushes and it was such fun.

Day 24: Your favorite 10 people right now and why?

Seriously, 10?

• Mama
• Dad
• Mia (bffl)
• Jess (cos we're spending more time together)
• Mego (cos always)
• Austin (cos always)
• Lizzy (cos favourite cousin 5eva)
• Me (cos I'm awesome)
• Bri (cos ily)
• Sarah (cos ily)

I'm very female centric hey. 

Day 25: The last movie you watched?

The Other Boleyn Girl. With Scarlett Johannson who is my celebrity crush if ever I had one. Her and Jennifer Lawrence. It's the lips and the figure and her eyes and her confidence and talent and skill and she's perfect ok? Though TOBG is kind of a let down, it's one of my favourite books but a disappointing adaptation.

Day 26: 5 things you’re looking forward to?

• Losing weight. These last two days I've spent writing heaps long letters to myself (future Lucy) in texta for my motivation wall, which is getting huge now after a year of being added to, but basically just how I can absolutely do it if I just don't give up and keep remembering why I'm doing it and what's important. I wrote letters to convince myself not to binge, letters to not fall off the wagon and when I do, how to regain motivation and get back to it (hoping I won't need that one), and a letter for once I do succeed, or at least get a lot closer. That letter is strictly to be read once I'm under 62kg. That's pretty close to my goal weight which is 60kg, though of course it's more about just seeing where I'm happy and comfortable at, and what I can maintain. But anyway, a lot of my convincing is about picturing the future in vivid detail, what it could look like when this Uni semester is over if I try hard, not just at exercising and eating right, but at making friends, being happier and enthusiastic and motivation for studies. I mean, of course, losing weight doesn't do all that for me, but being happier, motivated and enthusiastic every day, the weight will come off as a side effect :) Which will fuel my happiness and drive to continue.
• Uni starting back. Which is a surprise because my friends have all been saying that and I've been like, what is wrong with you, holidays are the best thing ever. But I think after one more month, I'll be ready to get stuck back in, hopefully with a fire to succeed that last year lacked. Also, I'm eager for time to pass in a way, because well... refer back to number 1. Every day is a step closer :)
• Seeing the dogs again. When school goes back, I'll ask Mum to set up a play date for me.
• Showing off my hair!!
• Seeing my friends again. Jeepers, it's Australia Day and I hung out all day by myself. What gives?

Day 27: A person you wished lived closer and why?

The owners of my dogs, jfc. I mean, I know it makes sense that they live in Stanwell Park and if they didn't, we wouldn't know them and they never would have taken the dogs but it just makes planning to see them such a production and an all day event.

Day 28: Something you makes you really angry?

Slutshaming and rape culture. I;d expand but I'm not in a mood for a rant. If you don't know what those things are, look them up and educate yourself.

Day 29: A date you’d love for someone to take you on?

Oh man. Okay. Alright. Let me think. I have some 'musts' but everything else can change, so this is just one idea that would be awesome. Okay. Evening date, wearing a pretty but casual dress (like just a summer dress), while he's in dark jeans and a clean Tshirt, he picks me up from my house and we go and get Chinese or chicken n chips or something else delicious, and we take it to the grass near the beach, he has a picnic basket with plates and lemonade and maybe a picnic blanket and we sit and eat and talk. Then we put the basket back in his car and go for a long walk along the shore at the beach when all the stars are out and then we kiss and it's great.

That's the dream, man. To be honest, I got close with you know who to fulfilling it but we both cancelled.

Day 30: 5 favorite girls names, 5 favorite boys names?

I am way more prepared for this that I need to be.

Girls:

• Chloe
• Abigail
• Leah
• Bethany
• Chelsea

Boys:

• Daniel
• Hayden
• Jared
• Andrew
• Jacob.

Day 31: A bit about your social life outside of tumblr?

It's not too bad... I mean, it isn't rocking right now but sometimes it is. I have lots of close friends and everything is sweet in the how-many-people-care-about me area, but I don't go out a lot doing crazy interesting stuff because they can be lame. I do lots of sports and things, meet people like that, I'm at Uni so that's vaguely social and I get invited to parties now and then. So moderate-to-low popularity with many really close friends but no affinity for acquaintances or casual friends.

Day 32: How many pictures do you have in your room?

None really, of me or friends. I have my motivation posters, I have paintings of my puppies, and netball signs from last years semis, but I don't really have pictures. I keep a few photo albums on my shelf though.

Day 33: Someone who really hurt you?

Anyone who has actually read my blog knows this one. You-know-who really did, more than I ever thought he would. But it was a messy jumble of bad decisions from both of us so I take my share of blame as well. I saw something on Tumblr the other day that said "I gave you my heart." "Well, I didn't ask for it." And perhaps that is true. Not completely, I know it wasn't one sided and he made me fall for him in some ways by being the charming asshole that he is and directing that in my direction but I'd never deny that feelings need some kind of approval from the one feeling them to let them go crazy and I let them.

Day 34: Your horoscope for today and whether you think it’s accurate? Holy shit.

What even... let me look it up. Sigh.

Have you been exercising beyond your fitness level, Sagittarius? If you have, you're probably feeling very tired, sore, and out of sorts. Take it easy today, even if you don't want to. You can still exercise, but concentrate on yoga and tai chi rather than more strenuous programs like aerobics. Push yourself a little, but not too much. The idea of "no pain, no gain" is a fallacy. Okay, to reiterate. No, I don't believe in horoscopes in the slightest but holy shit, I just got back from an hours run on the day that I promised my fitness instructor I was supposed to be resting... damn it, now I'm going to have to wonder if there is truth in this thing... (which there isn't) but damn. Yes, it's accurate as heck. Day 35: What is your favorite poptart flavor? I'm Australian, what the fuck is a poptart? I mean, I've heard of them,  obviously, I read, but idfk. What flavours are there? Day 36: What do you think about your friends? They're good. They're true friends, the ones I'm going to keep 5eva. My bffl, Bri, Mego, they're gonna be around for a long time, hopefully my whole life. You-know-who and some of the others, who knows? Maybe. They aren't perfect people, but neither am I and I can accept their flaws generally, that's why they're still around. They make me happy and make my life much more pleasant and fulfilling.

Day 37: Who are you?

I don't even. I'm Lucy. I'm a girl, I'm white, I'm Australian, I'm a student, I'm 19, I'm blonde, I'm not skinny, I'm smart, I like small dogs and other small fluffy animals and reading. I like running mostly, I'm a feminist. I like boxing and aggression sports because they make me feel badass. I'm a shooter in netball, I like kids, I like TV shows.

Day 38: Thoughts on your generation?
Hmm, I suppose to an extent I like, and am proud of my generation. Like, in 21 Jump Street, while I don't recommend the movie, it had the two cops who would have graduated high school in the 90's, typical high school, popular jocks and uncool nerds dichotomy, coming back to pose as students and finding the whole social ladder different. When they said they didn't care about recycling or something, the main 'cool kid was like 'that's fucked up man, who doesn't care about the environment?' I think that's changed a bit, being a bit nerdy, a bit smart, I think that means more. Basically hipsters. I think kids have more sense of the world. But also, the negatives, I think everyone is so fucking coddled and sheltered. I think the internet makes it worse. I think the massive amount of medicating kids is bad, I think the amount of depression/anxiety/social awkwardness, I think that's not all brain chemistry and 'no one's fault', I think it's the way kids were raised. Sorry if that's offensive, but I do. I think being coddled has made us soft. Sometimes I do want to tell people to build a bridge and get over it. I'm not saying that my parents generation had it right, with the cane and kids should be seen and not heard but I think we do it wrong too. I think sending kids outside to play and just spending all their time outdoors, it's good for kids. I know society has changed and it's not always possible to have that neighbourhood kids experience- I was lucky to have it. There's more stranger danger, less knowing your neighbours, more people....

Overall my generation doesn't suck, I'm not going to be like 'I wish I was from this or that era', even though it would be cool to have been there in the 70's for the second wave feminist revolution, because I think it would have been amazing to be that kind of activist, when no women wore bras and you could go to rallies and protest the Vietnam war and feminism wasn't a dirty word... but I respect and understand the fact that my life is better than theirs because of their efforts and I reap all the benefits there.

Day 39: Why you think you’ve learned more from the good or the bad?

While bad stuff does teach us more, my life is mostly a jumble of positive experiences so overall, it's the good that I've learnt from most.

Day 40: What are features you get complimented on a lot?

Mostly my hair before I dyed it brown and chopped it off. I regret it somewhat, the number of times I was told that millions of people would die for my hair colour, and how many hair dressers telling me how thick it is and how many people asking if it was naturally that colour.... but my hair is my hair, it was my choice to cut it off, people do say it looks nice short, I don't know if I agree, but I'm used to hiding behind my hair. I think I just want to be blonde again.

Day 41: When was the last time you wrote a letter? to whom?

Awkwardly.... to myself. I write myself letters like a loser. I don't mean I post them or whatever, I just write to my future self, to keep myself on track and just to amuse myself to look back on.

Day 42: What do you think of your driver’s license picture?

It's not super flattering but who cares, it means I can drive which is one of the best things about being an adult.

Day 43: Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

Of course. You can like through not saying anything, through what you don't say, through what other people say and you don't correct. Through your actions. Through how you smile, or shrug, you can ignore people you'd really rather sit and watch and listen to all day. You can kiss someone and that could be a lie. What you do is about so much more than words. Lying is just willfully allowing people to have their misconceptions, about keeping people from the truth and you don't need words for that.

Day 44: When was the last time you wore a dress?

Sunday. I like dresses. It was my pink army camouflage dress.

Day 45: When was the last time you tried something new?

Well, maybe all the exercising things, like starting boxing. Or doing a major run, with 40000 people. Or going to the Bank today by myself, that was new... I don't know, I'm doing pretty well at advancing myself in terms of experiences lately.

Day 46: What makes you smile?

Singing to myself...watching awesome TV shows, getting excited over things, eating delicious food....

Day 47: What was your last Halloween costume?

Don't do Halloween.

Day 48: Your life story in three words

This is too hard.... um....

Day 49: Are you a lover or a fighter?

Can't I be both? Probably fighter. Fighting with boys I like is totally a turn on.

Day 50: Why you are doing this challenge?

Why not? It's fun. I like questions.

Day 51: Describe your future wedding?

I haven't decided yet. It wouldn't be too large, just family and close friends... maybe in the park or something, as opposed to in a church. I don't want a beach wedding, but I'd love a reception near the beach, so all the photos are taken on the sand... but of course, these are decisions I'll make with my fiance when I have one. My wedding day isn't one of those things I dwell on too much.

Day 52: if you didn’t have an age, how old would you think you were

Day 53: your day, in great detail

Day 54: your definition of love

Day 55: a passage from a book that has touched you

Day 56: something you did as a child that other people remember you for

Day 57: what is your definition of happiness

Day 58: places you want to visit, and why

Day 59: what color are your favorite pair of flip flops

Day 60: a YouTube video you absolutely love and describe why

Day 61: one of your most prized possessions

Day 62: how many keys are on your keyring

Day 63: the song with the most number of plays on your itunes

Day 64: favorite thing about last month

Day 65: one random fact about yourself

Day 66: if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be 

Day 67: how you found out about tumblr, and why you made one 

Day 68: the best concert you have been to

Day 69: powerful song lyrics you love

Day 70: a celebrity you don’t necessarily enjoy, and why

Day 71: differences between you and your best friend

Day 72: list of everything you ate today

Day 73: what are your favorite pair of shoes

Day 74: how would you describe your style of clothing

Day 75: what is one of the best dreams you have ever had

Day 76: how do you feel about going green

Day 77: what gives you everyday inspiration

Day 78: would you rather people be honest with you, even if it’s something not good, or lie to you to make you feel good

Day 79: least favorite subject in school

Day 80: a picture from your childhood

Day 81: what is your biggest fear

Day 82: would you break the law to save a loved one

Day 83: if you had to teach something, what would you teach

Day 84: do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength

Day 85: if you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be

Day 86: what is the difference between living and existing

Day 87: what are your views upon sex before marriage

Day 88: does money equal happiness

Day 89: are you self-aware

Day 90: write a letter to one of your close friends

Day 91: name a book you read in school that wasn’t entirely awful

Day 92: what have you learned just from attending your school

Day 93: what about the opposite sex can you not understand

Day 94: do you keep your thoughts to yourself

Day 95: describe the weather right now

Day 96: what do you love the most about your grandparents

Day 97: something you’ve always wondered

Day 98: what would be the hardest and most fearful thing you would ever have to face in your lifetime

Day 99: do you think it’s better to have a few close best friends or to have a lot of acquaintances

Day 100: what is the best thing about being your age

Day 101: would you like to travel abroad to learn about new things throughout the world

Day 102: lessons you’ve learned throughout life

Day 103: do you believe in god

Day 104: three words you can’t go a day without using

Day 105: describe your favorite place in the world

Day 106: someone you judged by the first impression

Day 107: the name of your pet

Day 108: is it easier to forgive or forget

Day 109: if you were a super hero, what kind of powers would you have

Day 110: something that makes you happy

Day 111: do you wish upon 11:11 even if it may not come true

Day 112: what is the most important part in a relationship, do you think

Day 113: do you believe that if you want something enough you’ll get it

Day 114: do you like when people are protective over you

Day 115: is it possible to be single and happy

Day 116: one guy who means a lot to you

Day 117: if you were to get a tattoo, what would it look like

Day 118: what people in your life inspire you the most

Day 119: something you hope you never have to do

Day 120: what is your zodiac sign and what do you think it means

Day 121: what do you think about stereotypes

Day 122: which activities make you lose track of time

Day 123: do you believe teenagers can fall in love

Day 124: have you ever had feelings for someone who was seeing someone else

Day 125: have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy

Day 126: have you ever been betrayed by someone you trusted

Day 127: do you believe in second chances

Day 128: what is your life’s purpose

Day 129: favorite month of the year and why

Day 130: if you were deserted on an island, what would you bring

Day 131: what do you worry about

Day 132: do you believe ex’s can be friends

Day 133: if you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret, what would you do

Day 134: do you have a reason to smile right now

Day 135: is change a good thing

Day 136: if you were 12 and looked at yourself in the future, would you be happy

Day 137: one of your wildest dreams

Day 138: one of the nicest things anyone has said to you

Day 139: something you can’t wait for

Day 140: how do you feel about people disrespecting their parents

Day 141: someone who fascinates you

Day 142: how have you changed in the past 2 years

Day 143: how important you think education is

Day 144: are you planning on having children one day

Day 145: is it easy to trust others

Day 146: is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them

Day 147: what do you think about ignorant people

Day 148: do you think more about the past, present, or future

Day 149: would you rather love one person or have many short relationships

Day 150: how is your heart lately

Day 151: would you move to a different country to be with the one you love

Day 152: what is one step of action you would take to change the world

Day 153: do you think the hardest thing is sometimes the easiest thing

Day 154: a moment you felt most satisfied in your life

Day 155: what is one achievement you are proud of

Day 156: what is a TV show you enjoy the most

Day 157: do you like to give or receive

Day 158: would you give up all of your presents one Christmas time to help others from other countries

Day 159: what is one thing you love about photography

Day 160: do you go by live, laugh, love

Day 161: why is it so much easier being a child, than an adult

Day 162: highs and lows of this month

Day 163: where is one place you would love to visit

Day 164: one thing many people don’t know about you

Day 165: favorite type of music

Day 166: have you ever had a teacher that changed your life

Day 167: funniest movie you have ever seen

Day 168: how do you feel about cyber bullying

Day 169: what is your life motto

Day 170: what is something you notice throughout high school

Day 171: one famous guy you would marry in an instant

Day 172: what kind of person attracts you

Day 173: is there something you laugh at every time it happens

Day 174: how do you think you’re going to act like in 10 years

Day 175: songs you listen to when you’re happy

Day 176: do you enjoy cooking

Day 177: something you’re proud of in the past few days

Day 178: a goal you have this weekend

Day 179: how did you spend your last birthday?

Day 180: what is the most inspiring book you have read?

Day 181: A picture of your favorite memory

Day 182: A picture that makes you laugh

Day 183: you are told you have one week left to live, how do you spend it?

Day 184: when you think of your best friend, what is your first memory? How did you meet them, explain him/her.

Day 185: where will you be in ten years?

Day 186: have you ever made a time capsule? If yes, with who, do you remember what you put inside? If not, what would you put inside if you had to put something in right now?

Day 187: post a picture of yourself, taken today, and five random facts about yourself.

Day 188: what are you always carrying around with you?

Day 189: list everything you like about yourself, and explain why. What makes you unique?

Day 190: put your iPod or mp3 player on shuffle and list the first ten songs/artists.

Day 191: are you excited for anything right now?

Day 192: summer or winter? Why?

Day 193: what are you doing for the next big holiday? (i.e. Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover…)

Day 194: what did you do today?

Day 195: have you ever had braces/will you ever need braces?

Day 196: what is one thing you regret doing?

Day 197: do you have a set out path for your future yet?

Day 198: a picture taken over ten years ago

Day 199: what is the last book you read, why did you read it?

Day 200: whatever suits your fancy. (A picture, random facts, what you did today, your plans for tomorrow)

Day 201: what are your plans for tomorrow?

Day 202: what did you do last Saturday?

Day 203: what is the last thing you had to save your money for?

Day 204: do you have a job, if so, where?

Day 205: do you believe in love at first sight? Why or why not?

Day 206: what’s your favorite band?

Day 207: have you ever cried in a movie? Which?

Day 208: tell us about your family.

Day 209: what do you remember most about last winter?

Day 210: in a nutshell, what is your daily routine?

Day 211: a picture of you and your best friend

Day 212: one person you know you can trust?

Day 213: the person closest to your heart. How do you know them?

Day 214: what are your feelings on gay marriage?

Day 215: a letter to your crush

Day 216: list of some of your favorite tumblrs

Day 217: a letter to someone who you used to be close to

Day 218: a letter to someone you judged by first impression

Day 219: a talent you have

Day 220: a picture that makes you smile

Day 221: a photography picture taken by you.

Day 222: what are you craving right now?

Day 223: bad habits of yours.

Day 224: A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 225: what is the most inspirational thing you have ever heard

Day 226: next present holiday wish list

Day 227: A picture that can always make you smile

Day 228: list ten people you would die for

Day 229: write a letter to the person you’re closest to

Day 230: what is your favorite memory from before the school age.

Day 231: what were your thoughts enter pre-school, kindergarten, middle school, and high school

Day 232: list the movies you’ll never get sick of watching

Day 233: what is the most quotable movie? List a few of your favorite quotes?

Day 234: favorite song as a ten year old?

Day 235: if your six-year-old self looked at you now, what would their reaction be?

Day 236: what was your most memorable summer

Day 237: who from full house do you relate to most?

Day 238: who/what can’t you live without?

Day 239: have you changed in the past 200 Days?

Day 240: what does your name mean according to urban dictionary? Were you named after anyone in your family, or does your name mean something special to your parents?

Day 241: what name would your parents have named you if you were the opposite sex? Did they have a list of names for you?

Day 242: 10 most significant events in your life

Day 243: what is the last thing you baked?

Day 244: a picture taken recently

Day 245: what is the compliment you get most, what is the compliment you give most?

Day 246: what is your favorite city?

Day 247: your opinion on drinking/drugs

Day 248: who do you text most

Day 249: if you died tomorrow, would you want to tell anyone anything?

Day 250: write a short love story.

Day 251: what inspires you to write?

Day 252: list five things that make you happy

Day 253: list five things that make you sad

Day 254: list your five favorite foods

Day 255: list your five favorite drinks

Day 256: list five things you want to say to ten different people at this moment

Day 257: list five good things about your life

Day 258: list five bad things about your life

Day 259: list your family members and how they help you daily

Day 260: list your five favorite songs

Day 261: list what you did/plan to do today

Day 262: list your favorite stores

Day 263: list how you did your make up today

Day 264: how are you wearing your hair

Day 265: post a picture of your outfit, or explain it

Day 266: an old song you still like

Day 267: when you’ve had a terrible day, how do you deal with it?

Day 268: an overused saying.

Day 269: how are you similar to and different from the majority of Tumblr users?

Day 270: what would your dream house/apartment/castle/tree house/loft/bungalow/etc. look like?

Day 271: who makes you happier than anyone else?

Day 272: what was the worst thing to happen to you in middle school?

Day 273: seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 274: six things you love

Day 275: five songs you like.

Day 276: four things you wish you could say, but might never.

Day 277: three things you miss

Day 278: two things you want.

Day 279: one story of a memory you have.

Day 280: what was the last movie you watched, write about it

Day 281: someone you would switch lives with for a day and why

Day 282: if you were stranded on an Island, who would be with you and which limited 10 items would you two have?

Day 283: describe your perfect date

Day 284: write the differences between you and your best friend

Day 285: what got you into this challenge?

Day 286: a picture of what you wore today

Day 287: a silly picture of you/ you & your friends

Day 288: last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?

Day 289: write a letter to your followers

Day 290: a video you would usually watch on YouTube

Day 291: what did you eat today?

Day 292: recommend a few Tumblrs and write why you recommended them.

Day 293: when you look outside step outside your front door of the house, what do you see?

Day 294: something that inspires you

Day 295: things you’re looking forward to next week -month

Day 296: create a collage of your pictures you take in 1 Day and post them up.

Day 297: when did you start wearing makeup?

Day 298: do you like to dress up or dress down for school

Day 299: A picture of someone you miss

Day 300: A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 301: who is your favorite actor/actress and why?

Day 302: A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 303: last time you were sick, what did you have?

Day 304: What is your favorite kind of soup?

Day 305: which grade was your favorite? Why?

Day 306: what are the most distinct memories from preschool age and younger?

Day 307: what are the memories you have when you think of kindergarten?

Day 308: Write 5 things that sum you up. Include a picture with 1 or more of these things.

Day 309: Write about your crush. Write anything: if you’re friends, don’t talk, it’s going great or it’s complicated.

Day 310: What’s the meaning behind your URL? Why did you make a Tumblr?

Day 311: Is there drama in your life just now with friends and/or family? Write about it.

Day 312: What are you grateful for?

Day 313: Write about how you do your makeup/hair. Why do you do it that way?

Day 314: Write about your ideal partner in detail. Does your crush match the criteria? If no, talk about that.

Day 315: What is your definition of the word hate? Talk about 3 things you hate.

Day 316: What is your definition of the word love? Talk about 3 things you love.

Day 317: Your fears?

Day 318: Are you happy with how you look?

Day 319: If you could, would you rather live in the early 1900’s?

Day 320: Favorite book. Explain why you like it

Day 321: Worst book you have read. Explain why it is the worst

Day 322: A book you are willing to read, why.

Day 323: Your favorite quote of any of the books you have read

Day 324: Which book you want-need to be made into a movie?

Day 325: Favorite character of any book.

Day 326: Have you read HP? Did you like it? Yes no why?

Day 327: Have you read the twilight saga? Did you like it? Yes, no why?

Day 328: A book you recommend? Why?

Day 329: Ten Things that make you angry

Day 330: Ten things that make you happy

Day 331: Your favorite music

Day 332: Your favorite movies

Day 333: Where you want to be in ten years

Day 334: What you want from a relationship

Day 335: Which fictional character are you most like?

Day 336: Describe the worst day of your life

Day 337: Describe the best day of your life

Day 338: Your opinion on gay marriage

Day 339: Five positive traits you have

Day 340: Five negative traits you have

Day 341: Your views on religion

Day 342: Describe your relationship status

Day 343: what is the most inspirational thing you’ve ever heard

Day 344: the last person you texted— how do you know them?

Day 345: post a picture of yourself today

Day 346: what are your favorite types of shoes? Why?

Day 347: are you getting bored of this challenge?

Day 348: what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately?

Day 349: what’s the way to win your heart?

Day 350: do you have any hard, life-changing choices to make, anytime soon?

Day 351: are you addicted to Facebook?

Day 352: do you know anyone with an outie belly button? Who?

Day 353: what quote do you live by?

Day 354: last time you cried, why was it?

Day 355: honestly, do you know all the words to your countries national anthem?

Day 356: what is your dream job?

Day 357: as a kid did you want to be a ninja turtle and/or power ranger? Which color?

Day 358: are you as addicted to tumblr as you were a year ago?

Day 359: describe what you normally do on a weekly basis. A little bit about your social life outside of the internet.

Day 360: a picture of what you wore today

Day 361: If you won the lottery, honestly, how would you spend the money?

Day 362: what is the biggest lie you’ve ever told. Why’d you tell it?

Day 363: do you know what your first post on tumblr was?

Day 364: have you changed much in the past year?

Day 365: look back to your first post of this challenge, asking ‘Post a picture of yourself and tell us your hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 Days’ did you achieve any of these goals? And post a picture.