writing

Writing self insert fics is such a bad habit.

I need to stop doing it.

But it's so much fun. The ultimate writing guilty pleasure.

I started doing it years ago, when I wrote me and my friends into Hogwarts. I was a Gryffindor and I got to date Harry Potter. It was awesome. Actually, I probably still have that.

Omg, I was such a fail. It makes me sad that this was not written ironically.

“Yule ball!” Lucy squealed. “Yule ball… Yule ball Yule ball Yule ball…”

“We get it Lucy. You want to go to the Yule Ball.” Lucy nodded eagerly. “From someone who wanted to wear trackies to the formal….”

“We’re going to need dates.” Mia said grinning. Lucy raised her hand in the air bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“I want Harry! I want Harry!”

“But I want Harry!” Megan argued loudly and Marija did too. Lucy whacked them.

“Over my dead body bitches. You don’t even like Harry! I thought you both like Draco!”

“Well yeah.” Marija said. “’Cause he’s hot. But he’s evil and stuff.”

I'm hoping I don't write like that anymore. Except I probably do write things that I'm going to look back on and just say '... why'. But it was fun at the time. Self inserts are just this chance to a) make yourself a Mary Sue and be perfect and get all the boys, which come on, who doesn't want that? b) to indulge a fantasy and c) to get a chance to write you and your friends.

Mia and I (yes, the Mia in this story), who is my bffl, were chatting yesterday about our tendancy to do this, and how we differ. While she writes close to life, just with herself in this love triangle (in a universe that her boyf doesn't exist) in which while dramatic things happen, it's about her being in a life that's more awesome than her normal one. I on the other hand, do the opposite. My stories are all war zone, end of the world or zombie apocolypse-angst central. I write these stories where I have boys- that's the upside- but the world around us is generally burning. I write rape fics, psychological torture fics, I really go all out. 

I don't really know why I do that. I think it has something to do with just wanting to write a more exciting, dramatic life, as opposed to a happy one. I'm happy in real life (just kinda boring), so if I get to live vicariously through my stories, even if I end up totally fucked up, I have a life that is completely out of the ordinary, and generally I end up with someone who was with me, going through the ordeals, and though they're as fucked up as my character, it's deep.

I also think I write it because it's kinda fun being characters who have to be strong and badass, to deal with the situation, but also get a lot of comfort and breakdown scenes. I like being centre of attention. Third, I think I just have a lot of weird kinks and this is a healthy way of expressing them. No shame haha.

But seriously, I have seperately long, over 10000 word fics (some 60000+), about 5 or 6 of these stories, on each of the topics I mentioned earlier. End of the world, last people on Earth, zombies, kidnapped and tortured, forced into sexual situations.... I'm weird. And that isn't even counting the fact that I do have 'normal' fics that are just my life, but better.

I need to start writing fanfic again, and stop writing about myself. I'm way too up myself.

Edit: After having the longest and most complex end of the world, we're all going to die dream ever, I think I feel slightly less confused as to why I write the way I do. It's pure fantasy in which I don't have to take responsibility for my actions. If it's the end of the world, I can (and do) curl up with whomever I want. I can blame the situation, or either way, it'll be over soon so any embarrassment will be only momentarily. I like to write where the control is taken away. Whether it's literally forced on me or just the situation herds me in that direction or the situation is just dire enough to make it realistic, I get to be with the Boy, biblically or otherwise and it's not my fault.