stories.

So.... I write fanfiction. This really isn't a surprise, with the amount of time I spend blogging. I used to write more but in some ways, real life took over. Like how whenever I used to listen to music, I'd associate the love stories with characters, the angst and emotions with my OTP's, I came to associate it all with my own life. So instead of writing, I blog and write stories with real people. It's not the greatest method I'll admit but whatever works.

I found a fanfic I wrote ages ago, last year/the year before. It was a song fic, but a major one, with a scene corrolating to every line or two. It was to My Happy Ending, by Avril Lavigne. You can't judge me with this next bit, but it's Twilight fanfiction. Leah and Sam. It might have been a shitty novel and an awful plot, but Meyer made some memorable characters, no doubt about it. I was rereading it yesterday and came to a starteling realisation. It's written in first person, and it's exactly, EXACTLY the way I wrote my blog. Well, until I deleted it all but those first 40 or so letters, basically the same set up as I did in this story. Only the story came first.

If I'd of realised this story struck the exact same notes so hard, I could have totally avoided ever starting a blog in the first place and just focused on this story. It was one I was quite proud of actually, one of my best. But seriously though, with the whole you-know-who thing, this would have given me such gratuitous pleasure.

This is one of the last scenes I wrote for it, basically picture this. They were high school sweethearts, in deep, serious, committed love. Then he turns into a werewolf (the first werewolf). Though he is unable to share this with her or anyone, they resolve to continue their relationship despite the secrets and confusion. Only then Sam imprints on her best friend/cousin Emily. Sam is unable to resist the pull of his 'soulmate', ends it with Leah who is heartbroken and doesn't understand what happened, not knowing about him being a werewolf or why he would leave her, take it up with her cousin, who were promptly living together and engaged, in the same small town.

Then, she ends up turning into a werewolf herself- the only female werewolf in a pack of 10, and one of the oldest to boot, being 20 while many of the wolves (Jacob etc) are only 16, and her little brother who is 14 also phased. The shock of this caused her father to have a heart attack and pass away. Her ex is now her Alpha, and they can read each others minds, so she sees every day his overwhelming draw to Emily and his relationship with her, while she is unable to hide her love, heartbreak and bitterness from him or the rest of the pack.

You may roll your eyes and be all 'meh, Twilight sucks' but to that, I say, you suck, this plot has so much potential, you are blind if you don't see it.

This is a scene set after what I've described, basically the climax of their 'relationship'. I just want to share it I suppose.

“Leah.” Sam’s voice calls me and I turn slowly. His eyes are desperate, almost wild. His dark pupils are flicking over my face.

“Sam.” My voice is quiet, and almost trembling. None of the pack –either of them –know that I could act like this. Just with Sam. Only him. After everything, I can’t talk to him without letting my emotions overflow.

“Can we talk?” He says hoarsely. I look him over. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Just…something.

“Do you mean that?” I try to say it steadily. This isn’t going to be about patrolling or about trying to get Seth back into school or some other triviality. If we were going to talk, then we would talk. I know he knew what I meant. His eyes bore into mine and my stomach simultaneously knotted and exploded.

“Yeah.”

I followed him along the edge of the forest, until I realised where we were going. We had a ‘spot’. The place we had our first picnic date, the first place we ever slept together, the place where he made me close my eyes as he slipped a promise bracelet on my wrist. This felt unreal. If it wasn’t for the cool breeze on the back of my neck from my short choppy hair, and the muscles bulging out of Sam’s biceps, I might have believed it was still two years ago.

“Lee-Lee…” Sam finally got out. I flinched and my hands started to shake. Him saying that hurt, but it made me mad too. What goddamn right did he have?  “Leah.” He corrected. “I—I think this is overdue… long overdue.” My shaking increased. “I’m not trying to make you mad here…I think that… we never got to talk…about everything.”

“About anything you mean.” I said coldly, though the tremors of anger continued to rock my body.

 “Do you think that leaving you didn’t kill me?” Sam hissed. “You don’t think I wake up every single fucking day wishing that I didn’t have to hurt you?”

“Well it sure doesn’t seem like you did much to keep me!” I snarled back.

“You don’t know how hard I tried! How every time I’d think of Emily I’d make my brain force itself back to you because I knew I loved you and not her! I tried until my heart tried to rip itself up. I wanted to beat it!”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t Sam! How much could I mean to you?” Sam grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me closer.

“You. Were. Everything.” He said slowly, word by word. I closed my eyes.           

“Well, Emily is now.” I said with finality. This was ripping my heart into tiny tiny pieces. It was everything I wanted to hear – that he’d fought- but it wasn’t real. It wasn’t now. The past doesn’t matter, just the present.

“She’s not.” Sam whispered. “I know she’s supposed to be –she’s my world. But…Leah… I love you. I don’t think I can stop. I tried… all year I’ve been trying…trying to stop. I know it’s not fair to you.” My world felt like it was shattering all over. I’d wanted this conversation…ever since Sam left me for her in the first place. Isn’t this what I’d been dreaming of ever since I found out about the imprint? All the things that were left unspoken… all the bitter things and the happy memories and the love and the hurt, and all the emotions that no one else could understand.

But I’d thought now I wanted closure. This wasn’t closure… it was like my heart was expanding with every word he spoke, snapping all the carefully fragile stitches slowly healing it and leaving it wide open for another blow to shatter it like glass.

“I don’t care.” I whispered. “About fair.” I took a step closer. Mesmerised. I knew I was heading for a car wreck. I knew it but didn’t care.

Sam knew what I was doing. Hell, he was doing it too. His flicking eyes dropped to my lips. I licked them slowly, nervously, advancing the final step. Sam’s hands threaded through the waves of my choppy but thick hair and then he bent down and I pulled up and we kissed.

It was everything; fireworks exploding behind my eyes, tingles rocking through my body. Everything I’d missed, all I’d lost, and this was it. It was warm, but I knew that as well. It was familiar but different and new and broke my year of no kissing in a serious way. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. I was getting lost in the kiss. I knew that this wasn’t going to last. He was going to marry Emily. It didn’t matter how much he still felt for me, what we had. He was going to live with her. Sleep with her. Have kids with her. He’d proved that time and time again.

So I was going to have this.

His mouth meshed with mine and our tongues entwined, kissing fiercely. It was heaven. And it was hell. My hands found the back collar of his shirt –a rarity that he was wearing one at all –and ripped it straight down his back, the threads easily pulling apart under the strength of my fingers. My hands ran over his ribs to his front and pulled it off. Sam pulled me closer, until I bumped against him, no space between us left. As one, he maneuvered me until my back pressed up against the thick rough bark of a tree trunk.

My fingers roamed over the hard muscles of Sam’s chest and abdomen with abandon. I didn’t know how much I was going to get here. If this was the last time this would ever happen, god, I was going to get everything I could out of it. Even if this sends me back into depression tomorrow, if it gives me another round of hurt and grief and memories that I can’t get over…if it broke me into pieces…I don’t care. Even if Sam had a fiancé, I had him first and now I was proving it. He still wanted me, and he could take me because I still wanted him. I know how stupid this was but it wasn’t revenge. I also knew that I shouldn’t just give him this, that I should be strong, a strong woman like maybe I was once, but no. When it comes to Sam I don’t know if I even have my dignity left. I’d just take what he gave because that was all I was going to get and I needed it. Needed it like air, like the breath in my body.

I thought he’d stop. I thought he’d break the kiss. But instead he reciprocated, tearing my shirt off. Same way I did his. The front pulled tight as he put pressure along the back until a seam broke. Sam kissed down my jaw, to my neck and further.

And then I realised that I couldn’t. Couldn’t kiss him like this. But it felt like his fist had punched a hole in my chest, and when I tried to pull back his hand slipped out leaving the hole gaping and open and deadly. Like a knife wound.

But at the same time I couldn’t get my mind off Jacob. Which considering I was making out with Sam was almost disturbing. But I was thinking about his pack. About being part of it and being his Beta and being somewhere away from Sam and how I thought for a minute that maybe I could hope to be something more than just his ex – I could be my own person, and make my own friends and enemies, and go to college and get a bit of control back. I thought even if the pain got too much that I had choices. I could run. I could hide. I could change.

But this was the opposite of control.

I felt like Sam could ask me to do anything and I’d breathlessly agree, even if I shouldn’t, just as long as he didn’t take his arms – that fitted like they belonged there around me – away. He made my head spin and my heart race and by emotions go crazy and all logic go flying out the window with his hands gripping my heart.

He was everything I’d ever wanted but now without him, knowing that I’m never going to have more than this – this final kiss –before he marries her becomes related to me and unavailable and everything to her that he was supposed to be with me… I think I could maybe want some different things, rather than just mourn the loss of something fate never wanted me to have forever. Even if it’ll always be the best time of my life, no matter what comes next, I think the only way forward is to let go.

I don’t think I can.

But I walked away.

I don’t know whether it was for good…or for bad…or just until the next time he pulls me away and I can’t resist him because I still love him so much and so hard that my heart explodes from it.

I don’t know what I wanted from him now. I thought I did… but when I got it I realised that I didn’t want it. Or I didn’t get it right.

But I did walk away. That means something.

I wish I didn’t have to. I wish every day that Sam’d have a wild epiphany and realise I can give him more than the imprint can, that our relationship was better and that he realises that he still loves me and break the imprint. I never expect it, but I never stop hoping. Now he’s saying that he loves me. But he’s never going to leave Emily, not ever. I thought I’d be content with whatever scraps of love he could rustle up after Emily was satisfied but I’m not.

In Jacob’s pack I’ve realised a few things and I’m different now. I love him but he can’t have me while he’s tied to Emily. Sam might have been okay with it – after all he get the best of two worlds. But I got shit and I’m not putting up with it anymore. Sam can have me or he can have her.

And with the imprint that isn’t even a choice.

Okay, so that's that lol. It's kinda embarrassing but I don't really expect it to get read. But there was some things in there that I recognise from my own story, from my own life, from my blog. 

Like " I knew that this wasn’t going to last. He was going to marry Emily. It didn’t matter how much he still felt for me, what we had. He was going to live with her. Sleep with her. Have kids with her. He’d proved that time and time again. So I was going to have this." I mean, I apparently described my own exact feelings a year or two before I even had them. I guess that says something about how much of myself I put into my characters. It certainly proves that I know myself pretty well, even if that self is pretty fucking dumb. The fact that I (and my characters) have enough self awareness to know that 'hey, this is going to hurt like a motherfucker when it's over' but still do it... it's whack.

I'm insane.

But I thought it was cool that I had a story that followed that plot line and that has all these entries (because that's how I formatted it) that basically follow my own journey. Upset entries, begging entries, pissed entries , entries starting 'You know what, you're an asshole", still in love entries, moving on entries. I understood the whole bloody things before I even started.