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So!

Day one.

I weighted in and I'm sad to say that I'm higher than ever. All that denying myself only to binge later screwed me over but it's my own fault.

I am the consequences. My tummy is the consequences. My self consciousness is the consequences. My lack of allure is the consequences. (Though actually, I have something fun to share on that topic, but I'll wait until the end).

This morning I woke up about 7:30am, went to the bathroom, stripped off then looked myself over in the mirror and was like 'It doesn't matter what the scale says. Look at yourself and be pleased. Look at how pretty you are, look at how nice your curves and smooth skin is, look at your bum and be happy.'

And I almost was. Yes, I'd like to be thinner, but I don't hate myself now. Sometimes I think I'm quite cute naked really :P

But when the number was really high, I was glad I'd done that and felt positive, because there was nothing good about that number on the scale. I wasn't going to run, I have indoor netball tonight and a 25 minute walk home so I didn't need it to get 45 minutes exercise. But I said fuck it and went because I need to lose some of this weight. It's gross.

I'm not gross but that extra weight is.

I have to do my measurements sometime today. I missed my squats for Squat-tember yesterday, so I had to do those this morning, so I wouldn't die tonight having to do both sets. Up to 100 today. I started at 50 and add 5 a day. Squats suck, but they'll give me a good bum. So I've done 95 so far today, but another 3 sets to go of 30-ish.

I had cereal for breakfast for the first time in AGES. Oats are such a weightloss food but now that it's Spring it's almost too hot for them, unless I learn how to do overnight oats, which soak overnight in the fridge. But I don't know if I'll like that. So Special K and banana omnomnom. And about half the calories.

Okay, I'll tell you the fun thing now.

So... there is this boy. I don't know how I feel about him but there is definitely a little crush. I turned him down when he wanted to get physical a few months ago, partially out of shock and partially out of respect to another friend, but now... I don't know. He makes me smile, and I miss feeling that.

I was thinking today, while walking home after running, that a year ago, my life was more complicated and stressful than it had ever been, what with you-know-who and HSC and school finishing and looking for a job, but I loved that time. I loved waking up in the morning with a purpose, even if it was nothing more than 'Today is the day you make him fall in love with you."

Having a crush gives me that I think, expecially when it doesn't seem one sided. Even if it's just friendship.

But this morning, I accidently went running at 8am. Which is dumb because that's when all the buses come and all the high school kids are at the bus stops and the bus drivers all look at me. I catch a lot of buses so sometimes they even wave which is awkward.

But he was on the bus and I didn't see it but he saw me (thankfully before I was gross and sweaty I think) and texted me that he saw me running and 'looking good Lucy.' asdfghjkl;lkjhgf.

I mean, it's embarrassing but it's also awesome and I'm pretty okay with it.

Now I'm not going to weigh myself until next week so I have to keep that high number in my head all week but I will make it motivate me. Wooo. And if using the boy helps too, why not :)