Today is the worst day. I honestly am not sure how to descibe it significantly enough. Today I gave away my dogs and I most likely wont ever see them again. They were dragged away from me and I feel despair and anguish and horror and anger and sadness and bitterness and terror and guilt and worry and fear and there is nothing i can do so add helplessness as well. I want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up. i want to be able to protect them and it terrifies me that i cant. who could possibly love them the way i do? The answer here is simple. This isn't arrogance- i believe it one hundred percent. No one. Absolutly no one could love them harder or more fiercely than me. No one could.
Now this is going to sound like the most selfish thing in the world and awful too. My good friend had a dog  but it died a few months back and in moments of anguish i felt jealous because at least her dog is safe from harm and she doesnt need to protect it. Whereas mine, they could be anywhere. They could be crying right now. They could be upset or scared or hurt or uncomfortable or upset of confused or betrayed and i cant make it better. i cant fix it. at least if they were dead id know for sure. its horrible but this is a special kind of torture and i know that it has no end.

i didnt cry until they started to walk away from me  but i know the gap isnt going to be able to be fixed or filled. my babies have been taken away and i couldnt stop it. i tried but i didnt try hard enough. i feel so angry at my mother that for her to have her move, my puppies had to be the sacrifice.

i cant stop crying. sometimes i enjoy crying. actually most of the time. Not what causes the tears obviously, unless it's just a movie, but its such a relieving feeling. It's also plenty dramatic and although i dont always classify myself as dramatic, i do love a good cry. i love the ragged breathing and the gasping sobs and the tears and the running mascara. I dont know how weird that is but it's true. When i get really into it, lile that time at schoolies or when i sprained my ankle and had to limp home and collasped agaibst the front door sobbing my eyes out.

However, im gratwful to some of my friends. My friend dropped all of her plans when i told her i was upset and she sat and watched ncis with me even though she doesnt watch it anymore and she bought mnms. My bffl offered to come around and watch a movie and bring icecream. As i type another has just asked how i am. i do feel blessed by the people i have around me.