anger

I'm sad.

Really, truly sad. And when I'm sad, I get pissed off and angry and silent except for when I try to hurt my mum and snap things like how much I hate living here and hate everything, when she's trying to be understanding but that's just annoying because I'm annoyed and everyone should know it.

I'm a selfish bitch when I'm sad.

But I have reason to be sad.

I lost my dogs and it is taking it's toll, all the time. I only cried once, right when they left but that despair is still there and it's killing me. I can't stand it. It's a good thing I have a really happy life because I don't think I know how to be sad.

I can't take being unhappy. This grief is fucking with me.

I feel like how girls that get PMS must feel. I know I'm not being that rational. I was out getting dinner for my brother and I and I was pissed. Red lights pissed me off, green lights then pissed me off, because I wouldn't be able to bitch about getting all the red lights. Passing woolworths pissed me off, because it made me want to get chocolate and if I did that, not only would it further fuck up my diet, but since I'd already past it, I'd have to get the chicken and chips first, and then go to Woolies, and then I'd get questioned for why I took so long and I'd snap something defensively when I got home. I was pissed because I couldn't have chinese or something I actually wanted because no one in my house eats anything with a hint of flavour. I was pissed that because we'd moved house, I had to find a new take away shop. I was pissed because it was hot today but I didn't realise because it was cool inside and cloudy that I didn't go out and that meant mum was right. I was pissed for a bunch of other small things like that. So then I think 'well, maybe it is rational, I mean, here are my reasons for being upset. They're legit.' but then I remember that they're actually pretty small time, but I rationalise it, 'well no one can judge other peoples emotions, maybe this is the right amount of rage to be feeling over this.'

That's dumb but whatever. So then I swear a bunch, because sometimes that works to relieve pain and tension. But the more comfortable I get with cussing, the less effect it has. I need to find new taboo words I guess. 'Fuck' doesn't do it for me anymore. I was still pissed when I got home, said some angry things, ate my dinner while cursing it and didn't enjoy it, and feel half sick.

I miss my dogs like you would not believe. I can't deal with this. It's making me insane. Everything I said in previous entry about them is still true. I've never dealt with grief like this before. I'm lashing out but that's not new to this grief, it's just my way of dealing with anything.

A few days ago my best friend and I were talking and she asked me what I wanted her to do when I was upset. It was spurred by another friend whose boyfriend just broke up with them after about 3 years and being awkward about what to do to comfort her. I said I didn't care if it sounded dumb, I like being asked if I'm okay and I like to talk about it. I thought that was true but maybe it's not. When it comes to boys maybe, but what I'm feeling now, I honestly don't want to share with anyone. Apart from via this blog but none of my friends that I talk to in that way read this so it doesn't matter. I do like to talk and vent, that's why I said it to her, and that's why I write a blog but also in practice, I'm going to play this stuff down. When people have been asking me I response 'Dogs are gone, I'm dealing' or 'it's shit, but yeah, nothing I can do.' Stuff like that. Don't ask me why, I don't know. It fucking sucks though.

I miss them every day, every minute.

I miss my house.

I miss my life.

I fucking hate this now.