questions 14

1: Picture of yourself

• 2: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
• Monogamous is best I think.
• 3: Have you ever been dumped?
• No. I've had guys not interested but that's not really the same thing. I've been turned down but I do all the breaking up in my relationships.
• 4: What do you most like about making out?
• Being so close is lovely. Idk, everything about making out is awesome. Mostly, it's just intimate but in a fun, no pressure way. You can still laugh and flirt and feel cute and desirable, and it's just nice.
• 5: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
• Nope. I was tempted a few days ago but lacked the guts.
• 6: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
• Them.
• 7: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?
• This changes for me all the time. Smile I suppose but basically, upper body and those muscles. Basically, neck to waist is the zone that needs to be nice.
• 8: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
• Errr, my friend Corey I believe. That was in person.
• 9: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
• Nope. But good on you, people that have. As long as you use protection. Otherwise I will tsk you.
• 10: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?
• Nope.
• 11: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
• Flowers! 
• 12: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
• Not at my age, but 10 years from now, I don't think it would stop me.
• 13: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
• Sure.
• 14: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
• Sadly yes.
• 15: Do you miss your last sweetie?
• Occasionally.
• 16: Last time you slow danced with someone?
• Like, a year ago. FML
• 17: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
• I have not.
• 18: How can I win your heart?
• Again, flowers. Basically, be interested in me but not too interested. Don't make me the centre of your thoughts, and have a life and interests and friends but text me that you're thinking about me, and stay up late talking to me. Listen to what I say and hug me a lot, extra tight, especially if I start asking for hugs, cos then you know I like you and you aren't one of the boys that I go out of my way to avoid physical contact with. Just be honest and friendly and tell me I'm pretty. That'll pretty much do it.
• 19: What is your astrological sign?
• Sagittarius.
• 20: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
• Watching Rain Man.
• 21: Do you cook?
• Yeppers. Not fabulously but.
• 22: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
• Uh huh. 
• 23: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
• Yeahhh.
• 24: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
• Fall into monogamy plz.
• 25: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
• Built upper body, fair colouring and medium to tall in height.
• 26: Name four things that you wish you had:
• My puppies, a million dollars and a skinny body.
• 27: Are you a player?
• Of video games.
• 28: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?
• Yeppers.
• 29: Are you a tease?
• Not particularly.
• 30: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
• I have attempted.
• 31: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
• Sure.
• 32: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?
• Nope. No offence but most of Tumblr are girls and most are more fucked up than me.
• 33: Hugs or Kisses?
• Both. Hugs I guess. I can't decide.
• 34: Are you too shy to ask someone out?
• Yep.
• 35: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
• Face.
• 36: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
• Very cute. Unless it pisses me off because it was done in a sexist or chauvinistic or misogynist way.
• 37: . If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?
• Not if all they were was sexy. I need a lot more than that.
• 38: Do you flirt a lot?
• Nope.
• 39: Your last kiss?
• Like, a year ago. Again, fml.
• 40: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2011?
• Nope. I'm boring.
• 41: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
• Nope, I'm boring.
• 42: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
• Not gonna answer that.
• 43: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
• No clue.
• 44: Does someone like you currently?
• Yep.
• 45: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
• Yep. It's not the same person though.
• 46: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
• Serious plz.
• 47: Ever made out with just a friend?
• Not while I considered them just a friend. 
• 48: Are you happier single or in a relationship?
• I don't think it really makes a difference. I'm happy both ways.

anger

I'm sad.

Really, truly sad. And when I'm sad, I get pissed off and angry and silent except for when I try to hurt my mum and snap things like how much I hate living here and hate everything, when she's trying to be understanding but that's just annoying because I'm annoyed and everyone should know it.

I'm a selfish bitch when I'm sad.

But I have reason to be sad.

I lost my dogs and it is taking it's toll, all the time. I only cried once, right when they left but that despair is still there and it's killing me. I can't stand it. It's a good thing I have a really happy life because I don't think I know how to be sad.

I can't take being unhappy. This grief is fucking with me.

I feel like how girls that get PMS must feel. I know I'm not being that rational. I was out getting dinner for my brother and I and I was pissed. Red lights pissed me off, green lights then pissed me off, because I wouldn't be able to bitch about getting all the red lights. Passing woolworths pissed me off, because it made me want to get chocolate and if I did that, not only would it further fuck up my diet, but since I'd already past it, I'd have to get the chicken and chips first, and then go to Woolies, and then I'd get questioned for why I took so long and I'd snap something defensively when I got home. I was pissed because I couldn't have chinese or something I actually wanted because no one in my house eats anything with a hint of flavour. I was pissed that because we'd moved house, I had to find a new take away shop. I was pissed because it was hot today but I didn't realise because it was cool inside and cloudy that I didn't go out and that meant mum was right. I was pissed for a bunch of other small things like that. So then I think 'well, maybe it is rational, I mean, here are my reasons for being upset. They're legit.' but then I remember that they're actually pretty small time, but I rationalise it, 'well no one can judge other peoples emotions, maybe this is the right amount of rage to be feeling over this.'

That's dumb but whatever. So then I swear a bunch, because sometimes that works to relieve pain and tension. But the more comfortable I get with cussing, the less effect it has. I need to find new taboo words I guess. 'Fuck' doesn't do it for me anymore. I was still pissed when I got home, said some angry things, ate my dinner while cursing it and didn't enjoy it, and feel half sick.

I miss my dogs like you would not believe. I can't deal with this. It's making me insane. Everything I said in previous entry about them is still true. I've never dealt with grief like this before. I'm lashing out but that's not new to this grief, it's just my way of dealing with anything.

A few days ago my best friend and I were talking and she asked me what I wanted her to do when I was upset. It was spurred by another friend whose boyfriend just broke up with them after about 3 years and being awkward about what to do to comfort her. I said I didn't care if it sounded dumb, I like being asked if I'm okay and I like to talk about it. I thought that was true but maybe it's not. When it comes to boys maybe, but what I'm feeling now, I honestly don't want to share with anyone. Apart from via this blog but none of my friends that I talk to in that way read this so it doesn't matter. I do like to talk and vent, that's why I said it to her, and that's why I write a blog but also in practice, I'm going to play this stuff down. When people have been asking me I response 'Dogs are gone, I'm dealing' or 'it's shit, but yeah, nothing I can do.' Stuff like that. Don't ask me why, I don't know. It fucking sucks though.

I miss them every day, every minute.

I miss my house.

I miss my life.

I fucking hate this now.

I finally made up with my ex. Friendship wise anyway, no chance of any other kind of reconciliation. Our past is distant, distant, distant. Most people find it hard to picture us together, even though it actually happened. I find it hard lol.

But we'v been in a fight, which I've talked about in previous entries. I was very certain actually that I didn't want to 'make up' this time, but I guess I did it anyway. It seemed to be the right decision. I don't have to be responsible for him or change too much. But it'll lessen the hostilities.

He told me where his anger and aggression towards me had come from and his perspective and I gave him mine back. I think there are still issues and there is definitely unhealthy parts of our relationship. I don't always treat him properly and he frustrates the bejeebus out of me but as he said, I'm pretty much the closest friend he has and I'm pretty well comfortable with him. Idk if it's cos we dated or just because we used to talk a lot. Same diff I guess. But why bother making new friends when old friends took that long to make and trust, that I already can tell pretty secret stuff to without thinking about it?

In conclusion, since it's not like he told me anything that new- I already pretty much accepted that he wants my body (duh, doesn't everyone?), so that doesn't change anything, it just means I have to be more vigilant when it comes to what I wear and I can't use him as a tester when I want to feel pretty, I'll have to save that for people I want to impress and just wear jeans and trackies around him. No more mini skirts. Honestly though, it's easier to wear my more 'sexy' kinds of clothes around boys that think im attractive, cos I can feel more confident then. as opposed to boys I actually want to attract.

Urgh, i don't know what I'm doing lately. I go from hating what I look like (like today), to really liking it. It's all perspective, day to day. Today is not a good day and I'm still feeling sad about the puppies.

Today is the worst day. I honestly am not sure how to descibe it significantly enough. Today I gave away my dogs and I most likely wont ever see them again. They were dragged away from me and I feel despair and anguish and horror and anger and sadness and bitterness and terror and guilt and worry and fear and there is nothing i can do so add helplessness as well. I want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up. i want to be able to protect them and it terrifies me that i cant. who could possibly love them the way i do? The answer here is simple. This isn't arrogance- i believe it one hundred percent. No one. Absolutly no one could love them harder or more fiercely than me. No one could.
Now this is going to sound like the most selfish thing in the world and awful too. My good friend had a dog  but it died a few months back and in moments of anguish i felt jealous because at least her dog is safe from harm and she doesnt need to protect it. Whereas mine, they could be anywhere. They could be crying right now. They could be upset or scared or hurt or uncomfortable or upset of confused or betrayed and i cant make it better. i cant fix it. at least if they were dead id know for sure. its horrible but this is a special kind of torture and i know that it has no end.

i didnt cry until they started to walk away from me  but i know the gap isnt going to be able to be fixed or filled. my babies have been taken away and i couldnt stop it. i tried but i didnt try hard enough. i feel so angry at my mother that for her to have her move, my puppies had to be the sacrifice.

i cant stop crying. sometimes i enjoy crying. actually most of the time. Not what causes the tears obviously, unless it's just a movie, but its such a relieving feeling. It's also plenty dramatic and although i dont always classify myself as dramatic, i do love a good cry. i love the ragged breathing and the gasping sobs and the tears and the running mascara. I dont know how weird that is but it's true. When i get really into it, lile that time at schoolies or when i sprained my ankle and had to limp home and collasped agaibst the front door sobbing my eyes out.

However, im gratwful to some of my friends. My friend dropped all of her plans when i told her i was upset and she sat and watched ncis with me even though she doesnt watch it anymore and she bought mnms. My bffl offered to come around and watch a movie and bring icecream. As i type another has just asked how i am. i do feel blessed by the people i have around me.

Week Two

WEEK #2	MON	TUES	WED	THURS	FRI	SAT	SUN
1 pt: Contact with Teammate	1	1	1	133
3 pts: 64 oz Water	0	0
3 pts: Stop eating before 9 pm	3	3	3	3
3 pts: 2 Fruit Servings (1/2 cup each)	3	3	3
5 pts: 3 Vegetable Servings	0	0
5 pts: No Sweets/Sugary Treats (Only 6 days a week)	5	0	5
5 pts: Keep a Food Journal	5	5	5
5 pts: 30 min. exercise OR 7 pts: 45 min. exercise (Only 5 days a week)	7	0	7
TOTAL POINTS: (205 possible for the week)	24 :)	11 :O

10 Points per Pound lost AND 5 points for Maintaining Lowest Weight.

Total Points from Week: ___ + Points from Weight Loss: ___ =

Grand Total of Points from Week 2: __________

Starting Weight from Sunday night: 73.3 Lowest weight so far: 73.3
Monday

Today started off as positively as it possibly could. I got all doubtful right before I went on the scales but I needn't have worried. I got on and surpassed the 74's completely. I now weigh 73.3kg, which is 2.3kg less than this time last week. I mean, it's week one, so that's why it's such a big loss and I can't expect it to happen again, even if I do the same things. However, this should be the ultimate in motivation. That doing what I did last week got me as far as it did, I need to try to do everything just as well this week. It's going to be hard because of how messy this week is going to be but I will really endeavour to stick to my goals, even when it's difficult!

Tuesday

Today looks bad. 11. Wow. Out of 32. But it wasn't really. I had fried food for dinner. Everything pastry and oily and really gross. But that was all there was, it was a netball presentation at the bowling club. And okay, I had two little (teeny teeny) cheese cake squares, but they weren't much and they were lovely. Plus lemonade.

But I've been fantasisng about all the junk I could be eating right now. I got some M'n'Ms from coaching, and some mini choc bars and Mum just gave my best friend a few Snickers Bars as she walked out the door. But I was on my fitspo tumblr and saw a 'the pain of being overweight is worse than the pain of exercise' quote or something, but I've seen it before about the pleasure of giving into to chocolate cravings. It's not worth it, not when I'm not hungry and I'm so dead tired.

I just want it because I want it. But that's how diets fail and that's how I get off track. I'm going to go drink as much water as I can right now then go to bed I think. Night night!

Oh, also I got a message on Tumblr asking me about my weight loss and how I did it and asking for advice etc. Because I had such a big loss last week. Makes me feel good :) If I can have a good week (aka run another 2 days this week, probably tomorrow, then Friday? Then I can have Saturday off, and run again Sunday.) Sounds not too bad. I'll probably run tomorrow arvo though, not in the morning, but we'll see.

Oh, and pps, to use this blog in the way it was intended, though it's been a good while, I saw you-know-who today... it was weird. I mean, I'm used to him generally being kinda dismissive or whatever, and he doesn't pass up a chance to  mock me or put me down but it didn't used to be so... explicit. It just feels mean now. I don't know how to explain it better, but he just can be like 'no, but you aggravate me.' or 'annoy me' or whatever he said but it was just like 'well, why are you talking to me then?' It's just like Garvinh, exactly the same. One says I'm annoying, the other outright just tells me they hate me. But just keeps talking like it's fine, like it's normal. It's not and I hate it. Girls can't say that to me, but I let boys get away with it and I don't know why.

Here's how the conversation should have gone, not that I thought anything like it at the time.

"Well yeah, but you aggravate me, I definitely wouldn't pick you."

"Well, then go away then. If I aggravate you so much."

"Oh, that's real nice."

"No, seriously. I wasn't sitting here waiting for you to grace me with your presence. If you don't want to be around me, fuck off. Honestly, don't let me put you off."

Honestly, I mean, seeing him was okay, but I wanted to get out of there. It just doesn't feel friendly being around him and that sucks, cos I did care about him. I don't get him anymore though. He's always been one of the more enigmatic people I know but I used to feel like... he'd put effort into helping me get it if I didn't.

Whatever. I don't like him anymore at all. Not even much as a friend which is sad, but he can't bitch about my best friend all the time and not be nice to me and never talk to me but still give me the 'you have my number' crap and expect me to be bff's with him. I can't do that. But I have someone else that's reaching the 'gives me butterflies' stage so how important is he anyhow? It's a process but he's pretty irrelevant.

Wednesday

Moving tomorrow, so did a bit of packing today- I have a lot more to do when I get home which is lame. I also saw the place we're moving to for the first time today. It was pretty nice, we'll see how much I like it when I move in. Obviously I'm going to hate losing the dogs, especially with how sweet they are being lately. This will be my last night with them.

But it's been a good day fitness wise. It's been easy not to overeat. I have over 900 calories left for my day, which is a lot. And I'm not hungry at all. I went for a good 5k run today, about an hour and a half ago. I just feel good. Like, yeah, I have a tummy and my limbs aren't exactly attractive, but I kinda like them. I feel happy about myself and I feel satisfied that I'm doing enough to make myself happier with my body. It is a bit lame not being able to eat my mnms and bits of chocolate I have in the fridge that are mine, but it's worth it. I do get some yummy sweet things, like cheesecake yesterday and honey everyday, in my cereal.

I don't know what dinner is going to be yet- we have no veggies at home and mum is going to get me to get dinner on the way home for Tom. If it's chicken and chips, I guess I'll have that as well. Otherwise I'll go to Woolworths and buy a few veggies so I can check that off for the day. Just like, 1 tomato or something?

Do you ever want to be someone completely different? Like, do you ever look at your friends lives and desperately want to be them? Like, 'I want your parents and your grades and your friends and I wish everyone liked me the way they liked you and I wish I looked like you.'

I always remind myself that other people have negatives in their lives as well. Like, the girl I've always envied, she has a painful, debilitating illness that means she can't run or do sport and is really, incredibly restricted in lots of ways I take for granted. I couldn't deal with something like that. I'd hate it.

But yeah, I guess sometimes it's hard to not be envious of other people. My life isn't perfect but I'm happy with a fair lot of it.

But I'm sad right now because I'm moving in a few days against my own personal preference, I'm losing my dogs, who I love more than almost anyone, and it's going to kill me, I know it. I have a 30% midterm tomorrow, I have a big psych assignment due Tuesday. I have to weigh myself tomorrow. I'm just... stressed and upset.

My life is good. I know that.

Week One

WEEK #1	MON	TUES	WED	THURS	FRI	SAT	SUN
1 pt: Contact with Teammate	1	1	1	1	1	1	1
3 pts: 64 oz Water	3	3	3	3	0	0	3
3 pts: Stop eating before 9 pm	3	3	3	3	3	3	3
3 pts: 2 Fruit Servings (1/2 cup each)	3	3	3	3	0	3	3
5 pts: 3 Vegetable Servings	5	5	0	0	5	5	0
5 pts: No Sweets/Sugary Treats (Only 6 days a week)	5	5	5	0	5	5	0
5 pts: Keep a Food Journal	5	5	5	5	5	5	5
5 pts: 30 min. exercise OR 7 pts: 45 min. exercise (Only 5 days a week)	7	7	0	7	7	0	7
TOTAL POINTS: (205 possible for the week)	32 :D	32 :D	20 -.-	24 -.-	26 :)	23 -.-	22 -.-

10 Points per Pound lost AND 5 points for Maintaining Lowest Weight.

Total Points from Week: 179 + Points from Weight Loss: 50 =

Grand Total of Points from Week 1: 129__________

Starting Weight from Sunday night: 75.6 Lowest weight so far: 73.3

Monday

I will track all my fitness posts this week in this one post to keep things neat. Today was completely successful. A+ for diet and exercise.

I did a 5k this morning and am about to go to netball tonight. I had cereal for breakfast with banana, an apple for lunch, a mandarin and a teaspoon of peanut butter for afternoon tea, and mince and pasta for dinner (in sensible serving size), with greens, cherry tomatoes and beetroot.

I know I can't not eat a proper lunch every day, but today since I went on the run then was a lazy bum upstairs in my room, I didn't go down for brekkie until 10 so that was like, 3 hours less that I needed to include in my eating day. Normally I eat at 7:30 so waiting until 12 sucks, whereas if I eat at 10am, waiting until 2 or 3, especially when I'm busy, doesn't seem like a big deal. Then I just have dinner at 6:30. I don't need to eat more tonight but I'd like to... sigh. Just keep that number in my head, 75.6...75.6...75.6... if that can't motivate me to stop eating, nothing will.

It's bikini season now, I can't afford to let this binging and overeating and lack of self restraint go on unchecked. It's going to be hard- hard as hell, and I'm going to hate every minute after 9 o clock when all I want is food, but it's worth it isn't it? Even when I'm cold and I want hot chocolate or I'm with friends at the beach and they say 'let's get hot chips' or I'm in a tute and I get offered chocolate again, or I'm hungry and I have an hour and a half before possibly getting dinner and subway is right there.

I will keep more fruit than I need in my bag so I can always pull that out and can't use 'I'm hungry' as an excuse. "I'm fucking bored of apples' yes, but that's not going to work hopefully.

Anyways, see you tomorrow :)

Tuesday



It's only morning still, so I don't have too much to report. It's 7.54. I'm not running today, I am doing hangdog later so that's good exercise plus I have this massive blister on the inside sole of my right foot that hurts like a mofo. I got it on Saturday after running, made it twice as big yesterday, then finally popped it/tore it playing netball last night. And since I was Centre the first half, that was painful to run around on. Then I switched to GA which was a little better, but I nearly wrenched my left ankle (AGAIN) stepping around in the circle. And we lost by 1 point. And I got one in a second after the whistle. Ah well.

I was pretty hungry when I woke up today, around 6am. That worried me cos I don't want to have a good day yesterday not work because it'll always be followed up with a bad day to get me back in rhythm from being hungry when I fall asleep. I mean, yes, I didn't eat that much yesterday. Until dinner, I was basically poster girl for pro ana/mia. But that wasn't on purpose and I did my best to rectify it with a big meat/carbs dinner.

But once I've weighed myself one day and I know that number, every good day I have, I'm really eager to jump on the scales. But as soon as I have a bad day, I quit the scales and that leads to eventually quitting in general. So though today I really want to weigh in, because I could have lost heaps, just in that one day, I could be down a pound. Mostly water etc, but still. I never really understood all the unhealthy thinspo girls on Tumblr who are like 'I love feeling empty' but right now, I kind of do. There's some satisfaction in it.

My challenges for today:

Regular:
-Homework I need to start
-Stay out of the way of John who's painting.
-Look out for dogs while fences are down- which is all day.

Weight loss:
-Work out what to do with the mince from last night. Since I'll be having dinner at Mia's, either I use it for lunch today (pasta and mince, which isn't that healthy) or Wednesday night dinner. I prefer to have mince at dinner because dinner is my biggest meal of the day.
-Bandaid up my blister in a major way
-Take measurements. I couldn't be bothered to do it yesterday.
-Squats. I didn't do them yesterday urgh, so 190 160 today. FML.

Okay, so I had a salmon sandwich for lunch-350-ish calories with no butter. That was fine, but now I've eaten my apple/peanut butter/cheese snack and it's only 2pm. I have an egg left if I need it but I'm hoping I won't. But... 3 hours til dinner, it's unlikely that I won't. Also, the apple/peanut butter/cheese snack was super yummy. I'll definitely do that again. It took time cutting up the apple and it did go a teeny bit brown but it was so satisfying to eat- like chips or something. Just with peanut butter rather than salt.

Then rock climbing after that. Wooo. Hope my blister can take it.

9:01pm: Hangdog was good, we did 12 walls which is our usual goal. Next time I think we'll try for 13, to prove we're getting better. But we do harder walls as well, so that has to be taken into account.

I had the most delicious dinner, that I said was about 400 calories. Chicken and potato and spinach and salad. And soup to start. I love dinner at Mia's. It's a party for my taste buds. That also makes it really easy to turn down the free pizza because I was satisfied and happy.

I'm not going to eat anymore tonight obviously so today was another A+ in terms of point scoring and calories. It's so stupid that I only seem to have two settings, over maintenance levels (over 2000 calories) or under 1200, which is weight loss. I need to learn moderation but I suck at that.

Wednesday

 I woke up hungry for unhealthy food. Not even anything in particular, just open-the-fridge-and-devour type cravings. It's not an unusual feeling for me, but I'm glad that I'm not listening to it. It's discouraging that I'm getting it on Day 3 though. This challenge is what...8 weeks long, so 56 days. 2 down, 54 to go. Sigh.

Plus then the whole 'rest of my life' deal. But Mum is just like 'no, because once you are just maintaining your weight, you'll have a lot more freedom that you can have unhealthy days and snacks etc, whereas now you have to work harder. That is true, except I apparently suck at maintaining which is crazy because I was doing it fine until I started learning how to diet in the first place.

I'm feeling fine now though. I had cereal (but with no banana cos we ran out sadface), I just added another 10g of cereal. Breakfast for less that 200 calories, I think so. I didn't run, but it was because of my foot. The blister is pretty badass but it's big and painful. I let it dry out overnight (aka took of my 3 bandaids) and it's looking more shiny as opposed to vulnerable and sticky, but not healed. I'm hoping to run Friday morning and just have this as one of my two days off exercise. Or run this arvo, I don't know.

If I don't run today, I'll have to run on Friday, Saturday and Sunday which would be annoying and unwise. Whereas if I run today, I could skip Saturday. Anyways, it's 9 o clock, I'll update you more on my day once I've lived it.

2pm: My brother is in the next room, cooking a shitload of bacon for no reason. I want food. Not bacon cos i don't really like bacon and they are being very liberal with the oil (my extra virgin olive oil by the way). Megan doesn't want to go to movies with me tonight. Grumble.

11:22pm: I was able to sort of fix my unhealthy eating to a degree. My net intake was around 1300, and could possibly have been a bit higher. But I didn't have any more dinner after about 4:30 because I was at the movies and uni and I'm fine to go to bed without anything more to eat. I don't even feel the need to go to the fridge and grab something. Sometimes when I get home from things like this, I get simply ravenous and eat anything at all, where it's caramel slice or peanut butter or cheese or last nights chicken heated up. But I feel good. I mean, maybe a little hungry but nothing that can't wait until morning :)

It does amaze me that I can manage to go 14 hours without food overnight, but during the day, trying to get from lunch to dinner (6 hours) without a snack sucks balls. Anyway, see you tomorrow!

Thursday

10am: Going fine today so far. I've had breakfast and my snack. I had my snack pretty early but honestly, I had a midterm this morning so I needed something to help my brain afterwards. I've realised I've been using more peanut butter than I realised. Serving size 15g (3 teaspoons) my ass. 15g is like, less than one teaspoon. So my healthy snack isn't that healthy anymore, about 290 calories. It's really yummy though so until I get sick of apple, PB and cheese, I'm not worried. Sometimes I just have phases where I want something everyday for a week or two and then it goes away. I can try to switch it up maybe with celery or raisins?

I've had a nice day so far confidence wise and just looking and the mirror and thinking 'I look cute.' Mostly because of the hobo beanie I'm wearing, with my hair kinda curly/wavy underneath and lipgloss, I feel nice. It's the best feeling actually, when I'm wearing something comfortable (jeans/ old T-shirt) but with a nice jacket and hat, I feel stylish and awesome, without wearing something I'm constantly tugging at or thinking 'are they staring at me cos I look weird? Was this a bad choice?'

10pm: My day sort of declined, especially eating wise. I've used up half my sugary sweets for the week on 3 Timtams. A serving size is 2 and I had 2 this afternoon and 1 after dinner. I've also had yogurt and some other things, I was just hungry and bored and sleepy and lazy honestly. It was a cold day and I was just in that kind of mood. But I played basketball which was pretty good. I was napping beforehand so I felt cold and not enthusiastic but once I was there, it was fun.

We're a really bad team though, we suck pretty hard. We haven't come close to winning a game yet but I'm new and it's just a social comp. I'm not actually frustrated, because with basketball whenever they score, we get possession again. The modified rules for the comp include that no player can get more than 12 points before they are maxed out and cannot score anymore. Though we lost by about 50 points (literally), I maxed out for the first time :) So did Nick, who is our best player, mostly because he's a guy and he's tall, but I actually got it first. Though I wait at the halfway line so that when Nick gets the rebound he can just chuck it up to me and I can get down the end before there are opponents to rip it out of my hands because I don't deal well with that. Basketball can suck in that way, I get so many bruises and aches from being hit and grabbed and defended. I always seem to be in the way of that the most. I don't know why that is.

So today wasn't a success really as far as diet does but it wasn't at all falling of the rails. My blister is healing very slowly. It still looks ghastly but I think it'll be okay to run tomorrow before I go to work at 10. That 400 calories I burn from running basically is enough to ensure that I can eat without having to worry too much. 1200 is hard to maintain each day, but 1600 is less so. Especailly since I'm workig and my meals will just be breakfast/lunch/dinner, though hopefully with some fruit/veggies somehow.

Adios! More tomorrow. Also, don't expect this every day for the whole 8 weeks, though it does keep me as accountable as I could be. Still, I do fudge the truth a bit even here or in Myfitnesspal if I'm embarrassed. I'll try not to.

 Friday

I ran this morning. It sucked. I didn't feel that well and I didn't eat anything before I went and I just wasn't feeling it. I got better I think but the first 10/12 minutes, before I get to the beach, can just be painful sometimes. So I stopped for about 2 minutes when I got there, which is pretty rookie of me but it allowed me to keep going for another 25 minutes so whatever. I ran an extra few minutes at the end to make up for it. I always set my ipod to Teenage Dream last, the glee version, bcause Darren Criss is lovely and motivating and there is a bit near the end where it all goes quiet and then builds up and he goes YEAHHHHHH. And that's when I stop :) Usually right after I get to the top of the hill, if I can time it right.

I also worked today, which was good until I screwed up and got lectured and it turned pretty horrible, for what I think was a minor mistake. But I got my crepe to eat which is always delicious and even better news, I GOT A NEW PHONE. It's a Samsung Galaxy S2, and it's beautiful and I love it :) I'm obviously still working it out but it's going to be awesome, I know it. I got the guy to set it all up so it was the easiest thing ever, I just walked away with it and started texting.

And I'm going to have chicken and pasta salad for dinner. Things are looking good.

I overdid it with the chicken/pasta/chips. Oh well. Friday nights are my half cheat night in that way. It's why I like to run on Fridays. But we have white kitkat in the fridge and soooo many other things. And I realised my yogurt is almost 300 calories which is as much as my apple/PB/cheese and it isn't better than that so I'm not going to be eating much of it, I predict.

Saturday

Lazy day so far. Normal brekkie and snack. Got lots of homework today,

7pm: All good today. I didn't run, and I was hoping to but lol, running sucks, I'm fine with not going. I was busy, I got one assignment done. One bigger one to go and one 30% midterm. The midterm is tomorrows priority, but I'll need to attempt both because assignment is due Tuesday.

I also had to wait for the NRMA for an hour on the side of the freeway because the tyre popped. I had my phone so no drama. I called Mum, she called NRMA, they changed my tyre. All good.

I only had a bit of lunch. Mostly fruit. I have half my calories left for the day, which is satisfying on a day that I didn't exercise.

I should be having vegetable soup for dinner, then maybe something sweet for desert? But I'm thinking not because I'd rather save my snack for tomorrow because tomorrow is gonna kill me :) I'll have lots of soup because I've had almost no water today at all. The bottle I just had is the first I think, because I just forgot. But soup is lots of water, as is fruit really. I need to drink more though. Not only am I bloated cos it's that time of the month (oh and I got an app that tracks it so I'll FINALLY know after 5 years if I'm regular or not. It's kind of sad though, that after approx 60 times, I never was able to remember one month to the next. Not once. I just think 'oh it's been awhile...' and that could mean anything from a month to 2 or 3 months. How would I know, I'm an idiot!) but soup is full of salt which causes water retention and with weigh in only 36 hours away I need to consider these things. This week will make or break me. It hasn't been too painful I don't think, but that's retrospective. It always sucks more at the time. If I don't lose a kilo, then I'll be desperately unhappy and might want to give up. If I have one clinker packet, I've lost. The game will go down the drain. Because then I'll want another and after a few days, I will give in. I just need to go well for 3 weeks. That's it. Then I'll have formed a habit and I'll have lost 2-3kgs and even if I have a so-so week, I'll have something to look back on that I can say, no, it does work, I just had a bad week. I'm sure next week will prove that.

8:30pm: Yeah, I had soup with a buttered bread roll. Sooooo good. It's funny how good some things taste when you're hungry and you're just in the mood for that kind of thing. Bread is the ultimate comfort food :)

Sunday

Well, today is the last day of this week. I'm glad to say this week was fine, I'm not saying I did everything perfect but I filled in the table honestly and I should lose this week for sure. I ran 3 times, I exercised 5 times during the week (sometimes twice a day), I tracked my calories for the most part. I only had a few bits of chocolate. 3 TimTams on Thursday I think, and 3 rows of KitKat today. I had the snack 'left' and I took advantage of it. I went a teeny bit overboard but I'd just come back from a run and I actually did need the calories.

All that is left today is dinner, I think I'll have steak and rice or something filling. I know it's the end of the week and that makes me want to be like 'weight in tomorrow! Eat nothing but celery and carrot sticks!' but that isn't healthy. Just so I can wake up feeling empty tomorrow morning and I don't even want that because I have an exam tomorrow.

I will lose weight tomorrow.

And if I don't... I'll grit my teeth and do even better next week. Or blame my period.

Whatever.