Sad changes

You know how sometimes you have a party or hang out with all your friends and it's great and all, but once they're gone you just want to crash and are totally glad it's over? Even if it was totally great fun, you just realise you are not a hardcore party animal and would like to take a break? That's me right now.

Blogging is so relaxing, it's like after a football game, going through it during warm down with the coach, you know, the highlights and the mistakes and the bits you want to replay. An evaluation.

Overall, it was a nice evening. We had a lovely dinner, though I had so much dessert, I just couldn't help it. And then everyone came over to my house and it was just... pleasant. I like pleasant. It's not insane crazy awesome but it's nothing to complain about.

You-know-who was there....obviously, if he wasn't, I doubt this would make a blog entry. I haven't seen him for awhile. By that I just mean a week and a half or something. We got along alright... alright for us that is. He kicks my heels to annoy me, I chuck things at him when he's too far away to hit, he rolls his eyes when I mutter about sexism.

To be honest, I miss him. Not this type of interaction, it's okay but it's boring. I'm over it. It's not what makes me like him, when our conversation remains shallow and through other people. Or just... teasing that isn't malicious, but it's not 100% nice either. Like for example, when we left the club and it was cold, so I was bouncing a bit, you know, with my arms crossed, cos I just had a long sleeved (warm) shirt, but no coat, and he's like 'would you like a coat?' because you know, he's a guy, and has a coat. But I knew he wasn't serious, like, I knew there'd be a punch line, and true to form there was. As always, push me towards my ex '...cos Garvinh's got one.' I mean, I'd just said no, but it didn't stop him from laughing about it, but if I had of said yes, maybe it would have hurt my feelings. Like I said, it's not a mean intent, but it's not the most friendly either.

We weren't near each other on the table, close enough to be part of the same conversation but not much else. I sat down early and people just say next to me so no problem. If there was a seat next to him, I probably wouldn't have taken it anyway.

 I don't know.

My issues with him just suck. I can't help just being a tiny bit hostile, whether it's in response to him, or if he's mirroring me, I don't know. Or if it's nothing like that at all and we're both just doing our own thing. But I miss him, and being his friend unquestionably, where if I muttered "I don't like you." just like, when he does something annoying, he doesn't respond with 'Oh and that's why you always want to have lunch with me on Tuesdays.... and Thursdays... and Wednesdays, and don't let me forget Mondays." And yeah, I can say sarcastically back "Yeah, cos we have lunch every day." but it's so stupid. It makes me feel stupid. Two reasons, a) because it's making the fact that we meet up purely because I want to, not because he cares about my company, and b) the way he said it....like, it was a bad thing. Also, the fact that it's not even true, he asks me just as much, we see each other for 40 minutes, once a week, if that. We almost never talk online, and god, why did he have to go and say that?

Whatever, so we won't hang out again at my urging. See, here is what frustrates me. I thought we were okay, I thought I was allowed to say 'can we hang out now?' I thought it was good that I could just ask, without it being weird, that it was okay that I was saying, yes I care, and I hate that he threw that back in my face. I hate the fact that I try, that I have tried so hard this year to do everything right, to see him in the right way, to make plans with him honestly and correctly, and to try to make our friendship workable and that he doesn't give a damn and just makes it a cheap joke that I care and he doesn't.

Do I deserve it for making throwaway comments like 'I don't like you' or whatever? Maybe. I over analyse the things he says but don't always censor myself in any way, because I assume he knows what I really mean. I'm just kidding of course, but maybe I shouldn't do that if I expect that same courtesy back.

I don't know exactly what I expect from him, but I like to be noticed and I guess I want... conversation that isn't a trap or that isn't stressful. Like, I want to have a conversation with him where I don't feel lower coming out of it than I do when I start. Like, I'm gullible, super gullible, it's bad, honestly. But like, if he tells me something and okay, I believe it, then he's like 'nah, I was joking, I can't believe you believed me' or something like that, I just feel... bad. I don't like feeling teared down and that's what conversation with him lately is like.

At the same time, my fascination with him is still there, my eyes zero in on him like no one else. I literally assess all tiny aspects of his appearance, of his face, hair, clothes, my eyes look so much closer.

When we were in a huddle, looking over someone's shoulder at something, you know, I was draped over a friends shoulders and you know, people were near me and it's just the second he joined the huddle, at my side, sorta behind me, like, I'm just ultra aware of it, like I couldn't help looking around at him and giving him a look. Same as if he comes over and starts leaning on me or something. Like, I tell him to quit touching me and I don't know why, because at the same time... it's not like I have an issue with it, it's just... I don't know what I feel.

I miss having long conversation with him, where it's not just teasing or joking around. I don't know how to describe it, it's not that we don't have conversation now that isn't about important things... but it's closed off, it's not informative, it's like a few suduku numbers, but not enough to finish the puzzle. They aren't there to help you, just to frustrate you. Whereas before when we spoke it was just fun, or maybe exciting but I just felt more...care, and now I don't. The guy that used to hug me tight or whose lap I could sit on and laugh or who could made me feel the world.... I don't know, it's not that guy anymore.

Not the non plutonic stuff, just the friends stuff. That's what I miss right now, being able to talk and joke around where neither of us has to be the butt of the joke. Or where our conversations just always take oppositional stances, just for the sake of it and I feel attacked.

Also, Megan still gives me concerned looks every time he brings up Georgia. I mean, he's always done it, I'm used to it. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing he does, now at least. Before it was a lot more insensitive, but these days... well, things are different.

I suppose my evaluation is this... it's not that we aren't friends or that this is going to stop us being friends. Whatever else, he is still interesting... I still like to talk to him and listen to him and speak with him, we just don't do so much of it anymore. I don't know, it's just got uncomfortable lately, a mix of too many bad jokes and friendly put downs I think. Like... blonde jokes and jokes about how I take bad care of my pets or that he doesn't want to go in my car because he doesn't trust my driving or.... well, etc etc. Which leads to us not saying hello specifically, like when one of us joins the group, we don't look at each other and smile and say hi, we just talk to the group. Or when he says goodbye, he'll say 'Bye Luce' but I won't get up and get a hug goodbye. Things like that, we sabotage our own friendship.