experience

In a weird mood (when am I not?), but its somewhere between happy and melancholy and sad, which is sort of a whole spectrum...

You know, now Mia has found my blog, this is a lot more difficult to express myself!

Whatevs, like I care. She can judge me if she likes :P

This is gonna be a love post.

I remember at the beginning of February, I really thought I'd gotten over him and I told someone and they said "I guess it's a good thing you two never happened then, if you could get over him that easily..." and I was like "....what."

Because a) the last couple months had been hell, b) getting over someone that doesn't want you doesn't mean the feelings weren't real, and c) it made me think, hmm, maybe I'm not really completely over it.

Actually, if that is what sparked me not being completely over him, to prove that I'd felt something serious, I am gonna be irritated.

Because I did and I guess I still do. That was always one of those irresistible draws that you-know-who had, that lure of 'first love', in that, I'd never ever felt that strongly before and it was something very intense and special because of it. That's just the truth of it really, getting over him meant getting over my first... and it would never feel like that again with someone else.

I don't know if I believe that now, that being the first really matters. I mean yes, it was all new and that made it exciting, because I'd never done any of that before, but I think... the next time it happens, with someone else, it won't matter that I've felt similarly for someone else before, that there had been other boys that I'd dreamt of and obsessed over and felt like I'd never want anyone else ever again, once I feel like that for someone new, the way I feel for that person, that is what will be important.

I'm not saying everything with you-know-who won't affect how I feel about relationships and how I act in and around them- for now, he is a very potent experience of mine and many many warnings. As the first, he gets to be the measuring stick for everything.

I guess that's the only thing that being the first does. Whereas with him, there weren't any barriers or limits or expectations exactly, with regards to my feelings, now I have more of an idea of what's what.

That isn't a bad thing... it's life. And there are so many firsts, things I haven't done yet, places I haven't been, experiences I haven't had, emotions I haven't felt and I'm dying to get out there and start feeling them.

Feelings regarding relationships... well, you-know-who gave me my first real taste of that, and yeah, it was real, I did feel love very seriously for him, and I still do in a way, but that was just one kind of love, and in no way was it perfect. I want to find other people and let him stay mainly in the past.

No regrets- my memories of the feelings I had for him and the way he made me feel, I'll cherish that. Maybe in five years, it'll be almost forgotten, or maybe it does have the life long significance, that I'll still be able to vaguely recall my first kiss and how it happened and how we were when I'm eighty. I'd like that.

I suppose I'm saying- since this post is nothing like what I expected when I started it- is that I still have lingering feelings for you-know-who. He is something special to me but I am also moving on, wanting people that aren't him, wanting to chalk us up to just experience and keep it as a fond memory, finding new boys to feel that way with.

It can't have been that unique that I can't find a relationship like that again. Except... working out this time. That's be nice.