concerning dreams

This you-know-who thing is getting back to being too serious. I mean, sure, I didn't even see him this week, I don't care, I chose not to stay around, I had better things to do, but at the same time, why can't he get the fuck out of my dreams?

And in class today, one of the students mentioned something about a dream they'd had where they failed an exam and the Tutor was like 'all it means is that you care about your marks.' and I was like 'no, but I don't want to care about this!' And I swear, it was a doozy of a dream. Or nightmare.

There are always things that pop up in my dreams from time to time, my subconscious just really likes/ hates them. Cross country is always awesome, buses are always bad etc etc. This was a cross country race, and I don't know how exactly but the climax of the dream was this, I don't remember how it got to this point but I was sitting with you-know-who, like, face to face, and he basically stared into my eyes and then he went through a list of basically every single insecurity I have and agreed with it. It was the coldest, most point blank "You are this and this and that and I would never want to be with you. I love Georgia and not you and think you are....etc, and more stuff that was worse but that I don't want to get into and it just went on and on while I sat there shell shocked, imprinting every single thing he said into my brain. And my subconscious is actually really good at mimicking him, the way he speaks and the way he uses language and how he moves and just how I imagine he would hold a conversation like that, it was just fucking realistic and awful.

I don't remember what happened after that. You'd think I would but I don't.

But the last part of the dream it all switched around and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Is it more or less concerning that he is the spokesperson of all those deep dark insecurities and inferiority complexes (which I already knew really, I mean, I always care more what he says than someone else) or that in my dreams he confesses he's actually in love with me and he hadn't meant any of it? I don't even understand the dream but I think it was Twilight-esque in that he was trying to protect me and that even he hadn't meant for me to believe it that easily- but alas, like Bella, if you don't think you're good enough for someone, it's a lot easier to believe it.

But yeah, in the end he told me he was in love with me and again, I don't remember what happened after that (if anything.)

It's concerning, this dream fixation. I don't get it. Well maybe I do and I'm lying to myself. Maybe it's a warning that he inadvertently holds too much of my self esteem in his hands and I should work on getting it back.

He's certainly not doing it in purpose, its all just me personally but....

What can I do about it?

It's not that I don't want to get over him, I think I do, sure he's interesting and kinda awesome but we tried... it didn't work. Even if I got totally skinny and changed, that wouldn't affect our relationship. I'm not doing the weight thing for him.... but I have to get it out of my head as a motivation technique.

The dreaming is just odd because even when we weren't speaking, this didn't happen. Why now? I don't get it.