I've realised what it is that upsets me about the fact that he barely speaks to me and that I never see him.
It's that, we got through everything, we got through being friends and being more than friends and messy fights and arguments and separations and let it be water under the bridge and for a month or so I thought, fuck I'm lucky, and then for no reason whatsoever that I know of, it just fell into total decline and I don't have a clue why.
Isn't that killer?
It's the not understanding why that bugs me. Because he had so much opportunity to ditch our friendship. What triggered this? Did anything? If nothing did and we're just in this state because I rely on him to talk first and he expects me to do it, then I'd be annoyed as well.
Should I speak to him about it?
I don't know if there is a point but at the same time, if there isn't an actual issue and this is pure laziness and apathy, then speaking to him would be positive.
If he just doesn't want to be my friend anymore, then again, what is the harm is talking to him about it? If we aren't friends, I don't have to give a fuck about his opinion, he can think me asking is as needy and clingy as he wants, what does it matter?
Maybe the middle ground is where it'll get messy. Whatever, on Monday I will message him. I have my own reasons for not speaking to him on the weekend. That is his time for being with his begins-with-'girl'-and-ends-in-'friend'.
I feel low when I message him when I think 'what if he's with her right now? What if he checks his phone, while sitting next to her, sees my name, skims the message, then puts it back in his pocket? Or what if he sees I've left something on a fb message when he gets home late, or the next morning or from wherever he's been with her and thinks 'while I've been out having fun with my girlfriend, she's home on her computer thinking about me.' It's pathetic I know but I don't speak to him on weekends and that is why.
I'll change this new status quo though. I will talk to him soon.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Saturday, 28 April 2012
future
I really am getting over him. Honestly, truly. At first, the fact that he stopped talking to me much and that I've barely seen him upset me but now it doesn't. I'm kind of glad for it because it's the reason my feelings are getting so low.
I guess it also has to do with the rose tinted glasses coming off. I mean, when I look at everything now, I see it a lot more clearly. Things I wanted desperately a few months ago now just seem... not that desperate.
It's hard to explain but I suppose it's that I put a lot of emphasis on the emotions as justification for what I did. But now the feelings are diminished it's a lot harsher. Maybe this is how my friends saw it the whole time. I'm not saying it's more valid than my perspective before but love does make you kind of mad and you can try to be logical at the same time but your logic isn't always as logical as you think it is.
It's easy to get caught up and while i still won't call it a mistake- I did it because I wanted to and derived way too much pleasure and hardcore feelings and experiences from it to regret it- I will admit that it wasn't the best choice to get into in the first place.
Next time I will find an unattached guy. Obviously. Because then it won't matter if it fucks up. I really am not scared of relationships going wrong or fights or drama or heartbreak. I just don't like guilt. Or cheating.
I do regret those things I did with him for those reasons.
But yeah, I didn't exactly realise it but the other stuff, he wasn't a bad experience and I'm not put off from looking for that again with someone new. I just don't want all the strings attached. Someone new. Someone single. Someone I can try out and if it doesn't work, who cares. Move on.
I don't know if that's a good attitude or not. I don't mean to be blase exactly, but I just don't want to have to label my relationship 'It's complicated', I don't want strings and maybes and everything getting tangled up, I just want something simple.
It'd be a nice change.
I guess it also has to do with the rose tinted glasses coming off. I mean, when I look at everything now, I see it a lot more clearly. Things I wanted desperately a few months ago now just seem... not that desperate.
It's hard to explain but I suppose it's that I put a lot of emphasis on the emotions as justification for what I did. But now the feelings are diminished it's a lot harsher. Maybe this is how my friends saw it the whole time. I'm not saying it's more valid than my perspective before but love does make you kind of mad and you can try to be logical at the same time but your logic isn't always as logical as you think it is.
It's easy to get caught up and while i still won't call it a mistake- I did it because I wanted to and derived way too much pleasure and hardcore feelings and experiences from it to regret it- I will admit that it wasn't the best choice to get into in the first place.
Next time I will find an unattached guy. Obviously. Because then it won't matter if it fucks up. I really am not scared of relationships going wrong or fights or drama or heartbreak. I just don't like guilt. Or cheating.
I do regret those things I did with him for those reasons.
But yeah, I didn't exactly realise it but the other stuff, he wasn't a bad experience and I'm not put off from looking for that again with someone new. I just don't want all the strings attached. Someone new. Someone single. Someone I can try out and if it doesn't work, who cares. Move on.
I don't know if that's a good attitude or not. I don't mean to be blase exactly, but I just don't want to have to label my relationship 'It's complicated', I don't want strings and maybes and everything getting tangled up, I just want something simple.
It'd be a nice change.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Liars.
I have a dilemma. Feel free to comment on it and tell me what to do. Except for you Mia, skip this entry. I do occasionally have secrets I do not share with you. Don't break my trust here!
At the end of January, in the entry 'It's so over' I wrote about how I was finally over you-know-who, but it was because of an event that happened that evening. This was the end of January, he and I were just starting to talk again. I'd seen him for the first time since Schoolies the Wednesday before, then at a group thing at his house for Australia day, and this was the following Tuesday night I think.
The whole thing was he was pissed because one of my friends had gone behind his back (and mine) and told Georgia about the cheating. Though he told me she already knew because he had told her already, it had severely upset her and could possibly lose him Georgia.
At the time this severely stressed me out and made me feel guilty and awful and when my friend admitted doing it, I told you-know-who it had been completely unacceptable of her and despite years of friendship I would have to stop being her friend because of how disrespectful and pervasive what she'd done was.
I felt guilty about his girlfriend, upset about this friendship, stressed about him and just generally awful and panicked and while you-know-who was basically completely angry and threatening my friends and swearing and being totally uncalm, I felt attacked and super stressed.
And now I've found out some info that totally changed everything and I'm angry and I don't even half know why, just that I hate being lied to and I feel like I don't know who to trust.
Apparently she never told his girlfriend anything. She thought my other friend (my best friend who hates you-know-who) would have done it, since she was always threatening to, unless she thought there was no need.
Aka, if someone else had done it first.
So she told you-know-who this, and he told me. As in, he told me someone had told Georiga and he was furious and Georgia was on the verge of breaking up with him, though he'd already told her before, it being brought up again had fucked them up and she was upset etc.
This conversation took over my whole night, and freaked me out and stressed me out and guilted me and nearly lost me the friend who schemed this.
She thought if I knew the truth, I couldn't keep it from my best friend (probably true but that isn't the point!).
So if what she told me is true, you-know-who knew exactly what was going on when he had this conversation with me. When he insulted my friends, threatened me and them if they didn't stop fucking with him and Georgia, told me to deal with it, and was like 'we fucked up, i want it in the past, because of you this keeps coming up, why is that?'.
If he knew
If his girlfriend hadn't really been told (if my friend was telling me the truth today) then he of course knew that she didn't know. Obviously either they were having a conversation/fight about it or not.
So he came and started talking to me and said all of this and accused me and my friend of all of that when he knew that I (and she) hadn't done anything.
So if she is telling the truth, what possible motive would he of had for doing it? Seriously?
Apart from using me to convince my best friend to stop being a bitch because another friend beat her to it. A friend that wasn't (I believe) going to do anything involving Georgia at all.
He wouldn't do that. Why would he? Did he? For whose benefit was it? Was he punishing me by the severe guilt trip? I don't understand.
If he was in on something that stupid with her, what the fuck?
If it's true (and it certainly felt true at the time), then her telling me now that it's not true... what the fuck.
Some one lied to me and it's both people I trust.
What am I supposed to do with that knowledge?
Add to that the fact that it might mean he lied about telling her in the first place. What if she doesn't know? What if he never told her?
He told me in a different conversation that he did but what if it was a lie?
See, here is the issue. A) you-know-who lies. He does. B) I'm gullible as fuck. C) I trust you-know-who. At least I thought I did. If he really was bullshitting that whole conversation, that's low. D) I also trust my friend. E) My relationship with him is actually quite fragile. It relies on the fact that I trust him.
If I can't trust him, that will change things. It will. My friend told me to leave it in the past, to not mention it to him, or to my best friend, to just leave it. I hate to think it but what if she's lying and that's why she wants me not to mention it to anyone. So no one will contradict it.
But if she isn't lying, I need to talk to you-know-who. I need to get to the bottom of this.
I need him to know that I know and that I'm angry. If it's true, what he did is not okay. He can avoid me and refuse to answer my questions or just not talk to me about anything about Georgia. That's his right. But it is not okay of him to start a conversation with me and blame me for causing drama, tell me how upset Georgia is and how close to fucking up their relationship I am and tell me (like my friend) to never bring it up again.
Fuck I don't know.
What do I believe? Either my friend is lying now, which makes no sense, I'd pretty much forgotten the whole incident and moved on, so she doesn't need to give me incentive to forgive her or you-know-who was lying then.
EDIT: I talked to my friend again. She had to go but I got one answer. He didn't know at first. That was real. " the reason he got all angry was that I told him that [my best friend] was planning on telling his girlfriend and I told him what I was willing to do a little while later because I was trying to get the nerve up to do it
At the end of January, in the entry 'It's so over' I wrote about how I was finally over you-know-who, but it was because of an event that happened that evening. This was the end of January, he and I were just starting to talk again. I'd seen him for the first time since Schoolies the Wednesday before, then at a group thing at his house for Australia day, and this was the following Tuesday night I think.
The whole thing was he was pissed because one of my friends had gone behind his back (and mine) and told Georgia about the cheating. Though he told me she already knew because he had told her already, it had severely upset her and could possibly lose him Georgia.
At the time this severely stressed me out and made me feel guilty and awful and when my friend admitted doing it, I told you-know-who it had been completely unacceptable of her and despite years of friendship I would have to stop being her friend because of how disrespectful and pervasive what she'd done was.
I felt guilty about his girlfriend, upset about this friendship, stressed about him and just generally awful and panicked and while you-know-who was basically completely angry and threatening my friends and swearing and being totally uncalm, I felt attacked and super stressed.
And now I've found out some info that totally changed everything and I'm angry and I don't even half know why, just that I hate being lied to and I feel like I don't know who to trust.
Apparently she never told his girlfriend anything. She thought my other friend (my best friend who hates you-know-who) would have done it, since she was always threatening to, unless she thought there was no need.
Aka, if someone else had done it first.
So she told you-know-who this, and he told me. As in, he told me someone had told Georiga and he was furious and Georgia was on the verge of breaking up with him, though he'd already told her before, it being brought up again had fucked them up and she was upset etc.
This conversation took over my whole night, and freaked me out and stressed me out and guilted me and nearly lost me the friend who schemed this.
She thought if I knew the truth, I couldn't keep it from my best friend (probably true but that isn't the point!).
So if what she told me is true, you-know-who knew exactly what was going on when he had this conversation with me. When he insulted my friends, threatened me and them if they didn't stop fucking with him and Georgia, told me to deal with it, and was like 'we fucked up, i want it in the past, because of you this keeps coming up, why is that?'.
If he knew
If his girlfriend hadn't really been told (if my friend was telling me the truth today) then he of course knew that she didn't know. Obviously either they were having a conversation/fight about it or not.
So he came and started talking to me and said all of this and accused me and my friend of all of that when he knew that I (and she) hadn't done anything.
So if she is telling the truth, what possible motive would he of had for doing it? Seriously?
Apart from using me to convince my best friend to stop being a bitch because another friend beat her to it. A friend that wasn't (I believe) going to do anything involving Georgia at all.
He wouldn't do that. Why would he? Did he? For whose benefit was it? Was he punishing me by the severe guilt trip? I don't understand.
If he was in on something that stupid with her, what the fuck?
If it's true (and it certainly felt true at the time), then her telling me now that it's not true... what the fuck.
Some one lied to me and it's both people I trust.
What am I supposed to do with that knowledge?
Add to that the fact that it might mean he lied about telling her in the first place. What if she doesn't know? What if he never told her?
He told me in a different conversation that he did but what if it was a lie?
See, here is the issue. A) you-know-who lies. He does. B) I'm gullible as fuck. C) I trust you-know-who. At least I thought I did. If he really was bullshitting that whole conversation, that's low. D) I also trust my friend. E) My relationship with him is actually quite fragile. It relies on the fact that I trust him.
If I can't trust him, that will change things. It will. My friend told me to leave it in the past, to not mention it to him, or to my best friend, to just leave it. I hate to think it but what if she's lying and that's why she wants me not to mention it to anyone. So no one will contradict it.
But if she isn't lying, I need to talk to you-know-who. I need to get to the bottom of this.
I need him to know that I know and that I'm angry. If it's true, what he did is not okay. He can avoid me and refuse to answer my questions or just not talk to me about anything about Georgia. That's his right. But it is not okay of him to start a conversation with me and blame me for causing drama, tell me how upset Georgia is and how close to fucking up their relationship I am and tell me (like my friend) to never bring it up again.
Fuck I don't know.
What do I believe? Either my friend is lying now, which makes no sense, I'd pretty much forgotten the whole incident and moved on, so she doesn't need to give me incentive to forgive her or you-know-who was lying then.
EDIT: I talked to my friend again. She had to go but I got one answer. He didn't know at first. That was real. " the reason he got all angry was that I told him that [my best friend] was planning on telling his girlfriend and I told him what I was willing to do a little while later because I was trying to get the nerve up to do it
so that would explain his initial anger towards [my best friend] and his blow up"
So that's good. It means he wasn't talking to me just to a) punish me or b) to use me to convince my friend that she should stop.
He was being legit at least at first. I don't know.
I'm confused because now I feel like I was angry at him and I wanted to be angry at him. Being angry with him made it easier somehow... now I don't understand how it went down.
My friend sparked it, she told him there was an issue. He freaked, blew up at me. I blew up at my friend, who told me it was her fault, but lied and said she'd told Georgia, not that she'd lied and started it all, then I think that I told you-know-who it was her. Then that would have confused him because after all, Neeby was the one that told him my best friend had done it. So he would confront her and she finally tells him her plan. He goes along with it.
The end.
Both of them suck, but not half as much as I was thinking. Which I suppose is good.
Except since there was no telling his girlfriend by my friend, as I've always assumed since then, it means I don't know for sure that you-know-who actually told Georgia. He told me for sure that he did but...
I'm still pissed at him for letting my friend involve him in scheming. A) It's fucking juvenile. B) This is not my friends issue. She did not have the right to do that. C) he did wrong by lying to me. She should have told me the truth.
So I still have a bone to pick with him. Also because he was fine with me ruining a 5 year friendship with my friend while knowing she hadn't actually done what she'd said she did. All for the sake of protecting his relationship.
I'm really confused.
Monday, 23 April 2012
A question of morals
I wonder what would happen if you-know-who found my blog. I'm actually a little worried.
Originally I didn't really think about it. We weren't talking, he didn't know about it, I had to fight the urge to tell him all of it anyway. Part of me wanted to link him. I like it when he understands me.
These days, my blog is a lot more problematic. A few days ago, when my friend got onto my facebook and blocked him, and I realised that I couldn't see him, my first thoughts were 'Shit, he's blocked me. What did I do?' and "Fuck, what if he found my blog?"
Because a) I am lying to him. We are friends under the assumption that neither of us wants more than that, that neither of us has any thoughts in that direction. And it's untrue because I do spend time on this blog, I do confess that I still have types of feelings for him. I mislead him I suppose but I'm not guilty about it because I don't think it really matters, as long as my actions are alright and they are. But he still might get pissed at me if he knew. So.... him finding my blog, would create a whole lot more problems. Plus it'd just be awkward and pitying and I'd never get hugs again.
Way back I said, if i ever linked him, it wouldn't be until I was over him. Completely. Mostly because once I was there, not only would the entries have moved into irrelevant but most likely by that time I won't care what he thinks and will have lost the urge to tell him.
b) after everything with the other guy I blogged about, only for 2 posts, which I ended up feeling bad about, I've probably written almost 100 posts about you-know-who. I justify it because a) I'm not lying about any of it. b) because I'm not spreading it around.
c) I've given this blogs disclaimers, I'm biased as fuck. This is my personal blog, for my thoughts and opinions.
d) I do try to be fair. I don't think I put blame and wrong on him unnecessarily. I don't think I call him names or bitch out at him much. I don't think I make this blog so people read it and think 'God, that guy is an asshole.' He's not. True, I rant on because I need a space to do that and this is it, and I honestly do write about the times when he made me feel awful and made me cry and every time he frustrates me, and maybe that paints him in a warped light, but at the same time, I don't think it does.
Sure, I could spend more time focused on the times he makes me laugh like crazy and says sweet things, but e) THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED TO HELP ME GET OVER HIM. Focusing on the good isn't actually conducive to that. I do way more of it that I should already. I need the tone of this blog to be realistically negative. Or something like that.
In conclusion, him reading this would be a bad idea. He doesn't need to know. Whether it makes him awkward or just pisses him off, it doesn't matter, I honestly can't see good come out of it, it'd just be embarrassing. He knows I write it and he's not stupid, he knows a fair amount of it is centric to him. But it's not like, cyber bullying or something. I'm not writing to make anyone not like him or to spill secrets like the fact that he cheated, though I suppose I did (another reason this blog will not be going public at any point). I'm not writing to harass or hurt him, my reasons don't have much to do with him at all.
I just don't want to take my blog off google, because I do like people reading it, it makes me happy to see my stats go up and that I'm not just writing into a void. But it's fucking easy to find my blog.
Google blogs and search his name and 'schoolies' or our names and 'cheat' or just other names I've mentioned, or conversation bits, anyone that tries to find this basically can if they try. Maybe I should care, but I don't.
It's playing with fire for sure, but maybe I just don't care.
I'm like that. Like with him and I, I sure as hell knew I was playing with fire then, and I knew exactly how frantic and panicky and upset it'd make me when it crashed but I do it anyway. I mused maybe it was because I liked the drama but it's not that, the drama is the worst him. Maybe it's the risk.
Playing with fire... I guess that suits me. My blog name is Carried Fire after all. I don't know if I ever explained it. My old blog name was While I live (I'll grow) but that one got out so I had to change.
Carried Fire is from the quote
"I wish that words held heat, or carried fire.
That way, your 'I love you' would be a burn, and then a scar,
And I would never ever forget."
Originally I didn't really think about it. We weren't talking, he didn't know about it, I had to fight the urge to tell him all of it anyway. Part of me wanted to link him. I like it when he understands me.
These days, my blog is a lot more problematic. A few days ago, when my friend got onto my facebook and blocked him, and I realised that I couldn't see him, my first thoughts were 'Shit, he's blocked me. What did I do?' and "Fuck, what if he found my blog?"
Because a) I am lying to him. We are friends under the assumption that neither of us wants more than that, that neither of us has any thoughts in that direction. And it's untrue because I do spend time on this blog, I do confess that I still have types of feelings for him. I mislead him I suppose but I'm not guilty about it because I don't think it really matters, as long as my actions are alright and they are. But he still might get pissed at me if he knew. So.... him finding my blog, would create a whole lot more problems. Plus it'd just be awkward and pitying and I'd never get hugs again.
Way back I said, if i ever linked him, it wouldn't be until I was over him. Completely. Mostly because once I was there, not only would the entries have moved into irrelevant but most likely by that time I won't care what he thinks and will have lost the urge to tell him.
b) after everything with the other guy I blogged about, only for 2 posts, which I ended up feeling bad about, I've probably written almost 100 posts about you-know-who. I justify it because a) I'm not lying about any of it. b) because I'm not spreading it around.
c) I've given this blogs disclaimers, I'm biased as fuck. This is my personal blog, for my thoughts and opinions.
d) I do try to be fair. I don't think I put blame and wrong on him unnecessarily. I don't think I call him names or bitch out at him much. I don't think I make this blog so people read it and think 'God, that guy is an asshole.' He's not. True, I rant on because I need a space to do that and this is it, and I honestly do write about the times when he made me feel awful and made me cry and every time he frustrates me, and maybe that paints him in a warped light, but at the same time, I don't think it does.
Sure, I could spend more time focused on the times he makes me laugh like crazy and says sweet things, but e) THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED TO HELP ME GET OVER HIM. Focusing on the good isn't actually conducive to that. I do way more of it that I should already. I need the tone of this blog to be realistically negative. Or something like that.
In conclusion, him reading this would be a bad idea. He doesn't need to know. Whether it makes him awkward or just pisses him off, it doesn't matter, I honestly can't see good come out of it, it'd just be embarrassing. He knows I write it and he's not stupid, he knows a fair amount of it is centric to him. But it's not like, cyber bullying or something. I'm not writing to make anyone not like him or to spill secrets like the fact that he cheated, though I suppose I did (another reason this blog will not be going public at any point). I'm not writing to harass or hurt him, my reasons don't have much to do with him at all.
I just don't want to take my blog off google, because I do like people reading it, it makes me happy to see my stats go up and that I'm not just writing into a void. But it's fucking easy to find my blog.
Google blogs and search his name and 'schoolies' or our names and 'cheat' or just other names I've mentioned, or conversation bits, anyone that tries to find this basically can if they try. Maybe I should care, but I don't.
It's playing with fire for sure, but maybe I just don't care.
I'm like that. Like with him and I, I sure as hell knew I was playing with fire then, and I knew exactly how frantic and panicky and upset it'd make me when it crashed but I do it anyway. I mused maybe it was because I liked the drama but it's not that, the drama is the worst him. Maybe it's the risk.
Playing with fire... I guess that suits me. My blog name is Carried Fire after all. I don't know if I ever explained it. My old blog name was While I live (I'll grow) but that one got out so I had to change.
Carried Fire is from the quote
"I wish that words held heat, or carried fire.
That way, your 'I love you' would be a burn, and then a scar,
And I would never ever forget."
I found it back in February and surprise surprise, the two boys that commented (and that ended up with like 50 comments on it) were him and his best friend. At the time I was just like ... I really need more guy friends. But anyway, it reminds me of him kinda. He did say 'I love you' I swear. I just barely remember it. I swear, whatever chemicals were flooding my system that day made my memory shit.
But also, this blog. This is the way I make my words permanent. I burn them into these pages. Words mean something.
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Not so insecure maybe
"I'm not sure," she answered instead, and bit her lip. "I'm not sure how to miss people that don't want me."
I'm still reading Brittana fanfic today. This is just a line, it's not even that related but I just put it there because I read it and now 30 seconds later I'm typing this entry. That's kind of how I write these things. I don't have much idea where the entry is going to go but if I type fast enough, I generally get somewhere.
When you-know-who and I stopped talking and I finally gave up on him and I guess, though I've never really thought of it this way before, he gave up on me too, I never really thought "....well gee, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve anybody, no one will ever want me, I'm not good enough."
I guess my self esteem isn't that bad. But I mean, I remember writing entries telling him how he did make me feel awful and maybe occasionally not good enough or worth it but... maybe this is stupid but I didn't see it, him choosing her, being about that. Like, he said it wasn't a choice, and I guess I believed him. Sometimes yeah, I felt like if I could just make him like me more, then we could happen, but it wasn't so much about that, and being in competition with another girl for him. It just just... us. Our relationship (and just FYI, and this is for all my entries, when I say relationship, I don't mean dating, I just mean any relationship, the connection between two people, friendship or otherwise.) was about us and that's it.
I guess this is more of me just trusting him, but I did, and still do, trust that he likes me and likes being friends with me and that I was special to him.
Going back to the quote, about not being able to miss people that don't want you... Do I believe that he didn't want me? Honestly... no, not really. Not enough, and not in the right way, but he did.
And I missed him fiercely.
Okay, I was wrong, I have no idea where this is going. This could very easily end up in my unpublished drafts.
Just... I suppose I was just trying to express the observation that I never felt that down about myself because I've never really believed that because you-know-who didn't choose me, I was worthless.
It's why we're still friends.
He didn't really hurt me, not really. Not the kind of hurt that damages you. He made me sad, god yeah. Things sure didn't work out like I wanted them too. But it wasn't romantic trust he broke, or vicious cutting me down.
It was just... I don't even know. Circumstances sucked and he disappointed me. That's it.
It's forgivable.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Middle of the night
I just had a major realisation.
It came from fanfiction actually, but the quality kind, the kind that keeps me up at 6am reading and crying and feeling too much. It just... portrays relationships and friendships and the way people understand and interact with each other in this way that just hit home with me. I can't work out how to explain it without losing the profound nature of what I'm trying to say (isn't that always the way?) but it was Glee fanfic, so it's people my age, and it's a mixture of all this self doubt and inward analysis and feelings, and the focus the people around you.
I think I need to explain the story to really illustrate it but it's Santana's perspective, with some Quinn, and it's a group vacation, with all of Glee Club basically.
Like schoolies kinda, it's the big mess of people who are friends and are friends with different people and are interested in different people and are angry at different people and there are secrets and things that are private and conversations you have with your best friend the morning after and the way you are so alone, and that you have to make these friendships and relationships yourself, no one can help you in the end. Yeah, you can listen to your friend talk quietly about their own dramas but the really important things are what you are doing yourself. The quiet words you are exchanging- the smile someone gives you when you are left alone in a room, the glance in the rearview mirror when you're in the car- a harsh word that no one else even noticed was thrown your way because it sounded so innocuous but it makes you feel numb and go to your room and sit against the door so no one can see you, and you lie and say you just want to read, but you're actually sitting there hoping that one person will be the one that'll knock and ask you how you're doing and you get bitterly disappointed when they don't. And when your eyes burn and you half want to cry and you force the tears out because then at least you know you felt something.
And yeah, sure, you can tell someone but they won't get it, not half of what you felt will they know about. It's about the maybe-more moments, when it isn't about what you look like or whatever mask you're wearing or what insecurities you have, when you are actually with someone you trust and all that stuff doesn't matter for awhile.
And this way that Santana and Brittany interacted in this fic, it just... the way they felt for each other was there but they didn't talk, not for ages and it was the way that it was one thing, the way they acted in a group but then when they were alone, they still didn't talk but it changed. In those moments everything was real and raw but... during, that's when everything was good and fine and amazing, when the words didn't matter and when it was just them, just themselves.
And I understood that.
You know the quote 'Who you really are is what you do when nobodies watching?" That's me butchering that but I guess this goes with my theme of well, every man is an island, but maybe... it's not so much about what you do when nobodies watching, but what you do in private.
What you do when you aren't doing it because someone is watching or judging. What you do because you want to and because it feels right and you don't have to tell people about it to give it meaning. Things that make your soul happy without need for reassurance or recognition.
Maybe I'm thinking about you-know-who right now but I'm also thinking of friends, things you do and conversations you have. Late nights where you lie in bed and just talk, about everything. Night is safer than the day when it comes to things like that. At night you can talk without being vulnerable. At night it's so much easier to lay bare your soul.
Anyway, I've forgotten exactly what it was I was going to say because -and proving my point- it's morning now and I just can't have profound revelations when I can see what I'm doing.
But I'll try anyway.
This has taken to long and I don't remember how I got to this conclusion but I always thought... I guess that what I felt for you-know-who was the max I could feel for someone. It was really fucking intense but now I think... maybe it wasn't. Another relationship like the one I had with you-know-who isn't something I aspire to these days.
In some ways it is- like in the fic and like I tried to describe above, there is something really addictive about how you think and focus when you like or love someone like that. You are so aware of them, of those tiny things even when you're in the middle of a big chaotic group. And the things you do when you're alone, the conversations you have, the looks you get, the hugs that last ages, the understanding you have that doesn't need confirmation or talking about- yeah that stuff is worth living for.
But when morning comes I want that to stay and that's when you-know-who fell short and always would.
Just because we didn't need to talk sometimes didn't mean we shouldn't have. There is nothing more I hate then being with someone knowing there is shit that needs to be said but all you get is apathy and the 'is there anything else?' expression like they don't give a damn.
I can do better than that, can't I?
I thought because what I felt for him was the most I'd ever felt that it was automatically the best I could do. That I'm incapable of feeling more than that. But I don't think that's true anymore. When you really seriously want to be with someone, you have to be sure that you feel like you love them better than anyone else could. With you-know-who, I never doubted that his gf loved him, probably as much as I did. And she still does most likely.
In Year 9, one of my friends said to me 'I never get jealous if I think that whoever they're with is better for them than me.' And I've always sort of agreed, at least to a point. Maybe that's how I justified myself with him. I really did think we'd be really good together and would work.
I don't know if what I felt for you-know-who was immature or not. Like, it could have been more than puppy love but still not be as serious as it could be. Like, I haven't talked to him online for 3 weeks. I've seen him once in all that time. The most contact I've had with him lately is him accepting my fb friend request last night after my best friend reblocked him to piss me off. And he didn't say anything.
He and I are not exactly that amazing.
Maybe we wouldn't have worked. Maybe it was dumb and we were immature.
Can't change it now. But maybe I am finally started to feel regret.
It came from fanfiction actually, but the quality kind, the kind that keeps me up at 6am reading and crying and feeling too much. It just... portrays relationships and friendships and the way people understand and interact with each other in this way that just hit home with me. I can't work out how to explain it without losing the profound nature of what I'm trying to say (isn't that always the way?) but it was Glee fanfic, so it's people my age, and it's a mixture of all this self doubt and inward analysis and feelings, and the focus the people around you.
I think I need to explain the story to really illustrate it but it's Santana's perspective, with some Quinn, and it's a group vacation, with all of Glee Club basically.
Like schoolies kinda, it's the big mess of people who are friends and are friends with different people and are interested in different people and are angry at different people and there are secrets and things that are private and conversations you have with your best friend the morning after and the way you are so alone, and that you have to make these friendships and relationships yourself, no one can help you in the end. Yeah, you can listen to your friend talk quietly about their own dramas but the really important things are what you are doing yourself. The quiet words you are exchanging- the smile someone gives you when you are left alone in a room, the glance in the rearview mirror when you're in the car- a harsh word that no one else even noticed was thrown your way because it sounded so innocuous but it makes you feel numb and go to your room and sit against the door so no one can see you, and you lie and say you just want to read, but you're actually sitting there hoping that one person will be the one that'll knock and ask you how you're doing and you get bitterly disappointed when they don't. And when your eyes burn and you half want to cry and you force the tears out because then at least you know you felt something.
And yeah, sure, you can tell someone but they won't get it, not half of what you felt will they know about. It's about the maybe-more moments, when it isn't about what you look like or whatever mask you're wearing or what insecurities you have, when you are actually with someone you trust and all that stuff doesn't matter for awhile.
And this way that Santana and Brittany interacted in this fic, it just... the way they felt for each other was there but they didn't talk, not for ages and it was the way that it was one thing, the way they acted in a group but then when they were alone, they still didn't talk but it changed. In those moments everything was real and raw but... during, that's when everything was good and fine and amazing, when the words didn't matter and when it was just them, just themselves.
And I understood that.
You know the quote 'Who you really are is what you do when nobodies watching?" That's me butchering that but I guess this goes with my theme of well, every man is an island, but maybe... it's not so much about what you do when nobodies watching, but what you do in private.
What you do when you aren't doing it because someone is watching or judging. What you do because you want to and because it feels right and you don't have to tell people about it to give it meaning. Things that make your soul happy without need for reassurance or recognition.
Maybe I'm thinking about you-know-who right now but I'm also thinking of friends, things you do and conversations you have. Late nights where you lie in bed and just talk, about everything. Night is safer than the day when it comes to things like that. At night you can talk without being vulnerable. At night it's so much easier to lay bare your soul.
Anyway, I've forgotten exactly what it was I was going to say because -and proving my point- it's morning now and I just can't have profound revelations when I can see what I'm doing.
But I'll try anyway.
This has taken to long and I don't remember how I got to this conclusion but I always thought... I guess that what I felt for you-know-who was the max I could feel for someone. It was really fucking intense but now I think... maybe it wasn't. Another relationship like the one I had with you-know-who isn't something I aspire to these days.
In some ways it is- like in the fic and like I tried to describe above, there is something really addictive about how you think and focus when you like or love someone like that. You are so aware of them, of those tiny things even when you're in the middle of a big chaotic group. And the things you do when you're alone, the conversations you have, the looks you get, the hugs that last ages, the understanding you have that doesn't need confirmation or talking about- yeah that stuff is worth living for.
But when morning comes I want that to stay and that's when you-know-who fell short and always would.
Just because we didn't need to talk sometimes didn't mean we shouldn't have. There is nothing more I hate then being with someone knowing there is shit that needs to be said but all you get is apathy and the 'is there anything else?' expression like they don't give a damn.
I can do better than that, can't I?
I thought because what I felt for him was the most I'd ever felt that it was automatically the best I could do. That I'm incapable of feeling more than that. But I don't think that's true anymore. When you really seriously want to be with someone, you have to be sure that you feel like you love them better than anyone else could. With you-know-who, I never doubted that his gf loved him, probably as much as I did. And she still does most likely.
In Year 9, one of my friends said to me 'I never get jealous if I think that whoever they're with is better for them than me.' And I've always sort of agreed, at least to a point. Maybe that's how I justified myself with him. I really did think we'd be really good together and would work.
I don't know if what I felt for you-know-who was immature or not. Like, it could have been more than puppy love but still not be as serious as it could be. Like, I haven't talked to him online for 3 weeks. I've seen him once in all that time. The most contact I've had with him lately is him accepting my fb friend request last night after my best friend reblocked him to piss me off. And he didn't say anything.
He and I are not exactly that amazing.
Maybe we wouldn't have worked. Maybe it was dumb and we were immature.
Can't change it now. But maybe I am finally started to feel regret.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Hypocrisy
I have to write about something... suppose it's guilty conscience.
Back in February I wrote two posts about a guy I know, who'd written posts about me.
And it's interesting, i suppose you could say, because though at first they didn't bother me, after a few months, when I reread some of it, while in the middle of a big feminist kick (when am I not?) but, I took it out in a major way on this guy and the things he'd written.
I don't deny that some of what I said I still believe, but I was way harsher than he deserved... I did get carried away. it was one thing for me to critically talk about the things he'd said, but I made it personal and that was bitchy.
I suppose it was because I stopped really thinking about it being him, and more just taking the words and the paragraphs out of context, into the world of English Texts, for critical analysis and breaking down with a feminist reading, with a heck of a lot of anger to back it up.
I mean, I liked how I'd written it. Sexuality is one of my favourite topics and feminism combined with that is like, awesome fun. But the way I portrayed the situation was more to emphasis the feminist issues rather than appropriately describe the reality of the situation and the person who'd written it.
Considering how I went off at him in the blog entries (and I was really quite vicious), it doesn't make a lot of sense that I was quite happy to be friends again with them and start chatting with them, but I was. What needs to be understood is that the writer became much more of a symbol than just himself. When I wrote the entries, I was like 'saying this makes you a grade A asshole", but I want to make it clear I really stopped directing this straight at the blogger guy, and just at people who speak and do things like that in general. He was an example, one I blew up slightly out of context for the purposes of my argument.
I do agree with the theory of "nice guy syndrome' and will argue furiously against ideas like 'the douche bag theory', but it was wrong of me to talk about them using someone I know as an example. I didn't mean to demonize him.
As readers of this blog, I just need to clarify that- that those entries (or any entries really, I'm sure you-know-who could make a case that I do the exact same thing to him) are my opinions and my thoughts and feelings. I try to keep people I know away from reading my blog, because that's not what it's for... I'm not trying to gossip or bad mouth my friends or people I know, I'm just trying to be honest and uncensored in my own little place on this internet.
But what I'm saying isn't gospel truth. It's biased as fuck, and I can be over dramatic, bitchy and since this is generally written when I'm hurt or angry, it tends to misrepresent reality at times.
I mean, I personally think its quite accurate, but this is my representation and as readers of this blog, remember that please :)
Back in February I wrote two posts about a guy I know, who'd written posts about me.
And it's interesting, i suppose you could say, because though at first they didn't bother me, after a few months, when I reread some of it, while in the middle of a big feminist kick (when am I not?) but, I took it out in a major way on this guy and the things he'd written.
I don't deny that some of what I said I still believe, but I was way harsher than he deserved... I did get carried away. it was one thing for me to critically talk about the things he'd said, but I made it personal and that was bitchy.
I suppose it was because I stopped really thinking about it being him, and more just taking the words and the paragraphs out of context, into the world of English Texts, for critical analysis and breaking down with a feminist reading, with a heck of a lot of anger to back it up.
I mean, I liked how I'd written it. Sexuality is one of my favourite topics and feminism combined with that is like, awesome fun. But the way I portrayed the situation was more to emphasis the feminist issues rather than appropriately describe the reality of the situation and the person who'd written it.
Considering how I went off at him in the blog entries (and I was really quite vicious), it doesn't make a lot of sense that I was quite happy to be friends again with them and start chatting with them, but I was. What needs to be understood is that the writer became much more of a symbol than just himself. When I wrote the entries, I was like 'saying this makes you a grade A asshole", but I want to make it clear I really stopped directing this straight at the blogger guy, and just at people who speak and do things like that in general. He was an example, one I blew up slightly out of context for the purposes of my argument.
I do agree with the theory of "nice guy syndrome' and will argue furiously against ideas like 'the douche bag theory', but it was wrong of me to talk about them using someone I know as an example. I didn't mean to demonize him.
As readers of this blog, I just need to clarify that- that those entries (or any entries really, I'm sure you-know-who could make a case that I do the exact same thing to him) are my opinions and my thoughts and feelings. I try to keep people I know away from reading my blog, because that's not what it's for... I'm not trying to gossip or bad mouth my friends or people I know, I'm just trying to be honest and uncensored in my own little place on this internet.
But what I'm saying isn't gospel truth. It's biased as fuck, and I can be over dramatic, bitchy and since this is generally written when I'm hurt or angry, it tends to misrepresent reality at times.
I mean, I personally think its quite accurate, but this is my representation and as readers of this blog, remember that please :)
Saturday, 14 April 2012
experience
In a weird mood (when am I not?), but its somewhere between happy and melancholy and sad, which is sort of a whole spectrum...
You know, now Mia has found my blog, this is a lot more difficult to express myself!
Whatevs, like I care. She can judge me if she likes :P
This is gonna be a love post.
I remember at the beginning of February, I really thought I'd gotten over him and I told someone and they said "I guess it's a good thing you two never happened then, if you could get over him that easily..." and I was like "....what."
Because a) the last couple months had been hell, b) getting over someone that doesn't want you doesn't mean the feelings weren't real, and c) it made me think, hmm, maybe I'm not really completely over it.
Actually, if that is what sparked me not being completely over him, to prove that I'd felt something serious, I am gonna be irritated.
Because I did and I guess I still do. That was always one of those irresistible draws that you-know-who had, that lure of 'first love', in that, I'd never ever felt that strongly before and it was something very intense and special because of it. That's just the truth of it really, getting over him meant getting over my first... and it would never feel like that again with someone else.
I don't know if I believe that now, that being the first really matters. I mean yes, it was all new and that made it exciting, because I'd never done any of that before, but I think... the next time it happens, with someone else, it won't matter that I've felt similarly for someone else before, that there had been other boys that I'd dreamt of and obsessed over and felt like I'd never want anyone else ever again, once I feel like that for someone new, the way I feel for that person, that is what will be important.
I'm not saying everything with you-know-who won't affect how I feel about relationships and how I act in and around them- for now, he is a very potent experience of mine and many many warnings. As the first, he gets to be the measuring stick for everything.
I guess that's the only thing that being the first does. Whereas with him, there weren't any barriers or limits or expectations exactly, with regards to my feelings, now I have more of an idea of what's what.
That isn't a bad thing... it's life. And there are so many firsts, things I haven't done yet, places I haven't been, experiences I haven't had, emotions I haven't felt and I'm dying to get out there and start feeling them.
Feelings regarding relationships... well, you-know-who gave me my first real taste of that, and yeah, it was real, I did feel love very seriously for him, and I still do in a way, but that was just one kind of love, and in no way was it perfect. I want to find other people and let him stay mainly in the past.
No regrets- my memories of the feelings I had for him and the way he made me feel, I'll cherish that. Maybe in five years, it'll be almost forgotten, or maybe it does have the life long significance, that I'll still be able to vaguely recall my first kiss and how it happened and how we were when I'm eighty. I'd like that.
I suppose I'm saying- since this post is nothing like what I expected when I started it- is that I still have lingering feelings for you-know-who. He is something special to me but I am also moving on, wanting people that aren't him, wanting to chalk us up to just experience and keep it as a fond memory, finding new boys to feel that way with.
It can't have been that unique that I can't find a relationship like that again. Except... working out this time. That's be nice.
You know, now Mia has found my blog, this is a lot more difficult to express myself!
Whatevs, like I care. She can judge me if she likes :P
This is gonna be a love post.
I remember at the beginning of February, I really thought I'd gotten over him and I told someone and they said "I guess it's a good thing you two never happened then, if you could get over him that easily..." and I was like "....what."
Because a) the last couple months had been hell, b) getting over someone that doesn't want you doesn't mean the feelings weren't real, and c) it made me think, hmm, maybe I'm not really completely over it.
Actually, if that is what sparked me not being completely over him, to prove that I'd felt something serious, I am gonna be irritated.
Because I did and I guess I still do. That was always one of those irresistible draws that you-know-who had, that lure of 'first love', in that, I'd never ever felt that strongly before and it was something very intense and special because of it. That's just the truth of it really, getting over him meant getting over my first... and it would never feel like that again with someone else.
I don't know if I believe that now, that being the first really matters. I mean yes, it was all new and that made it exciting, because I'd never done any of that before, but I think... the next time it happens, with someone else, it won't matter that I've felt similarly for someone else before, that there had been other boys that I'd dreamt of and obsessed over and felt like I'd never want anyone else ever again, once I feel like that for someone new, the way I feel for that person, that is what will be important.
I'm not saying everything with you-know-who won't affect how I feel about relationships and how I act in and around them- for now, he is a very potent experience of mine and many many warnings. As the first, he gets to be the measuring stick for everything.
I guess that's the only thing that being the first does. Whereas with him, there weren't any barriers or limits or expectations exactly, with regards to my feelings, now I have more of an idea of what's what.
That isn't a bad thing... it's life. And there are so many firsts, things I haven't done yet, places I haven't been, experiences I haven't had, emotions I haven't felt and I'm dying to get out there and start feeling them.
Feelings regarding relationships... well, you-know-who gave me my first real taste of that, and yeah, it was real, I did feel love very seriously for him, and I still do in a way, but that was just one kind of love, and in no way was it perfect. I want to find other people and let him stay mainly in the past.
No regrets- my memories of the feelings I had for him and the way he made me feel, I'll cherish that. Maybe in five years, it'll be almost forgotten, or maybe it does have the life long significance, that I'll still be able to vaguely recall my first kiss and how it happened and how we were when I'm eighty. I'd like that.
I suppose I'm saying- since this post is nothing like what I expected when I started it- is that I still have lingering feelings for you-know-who. He is something special to me but I am also moving on, wanting people that aren't him, wanting to chalk us up to just experience and keep it as a fond memory, finding new boys to feel that way with.
It can't have been that unique that I can't find a relationship like that again. Except... working out this time. That's be nice.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Getting back into it
Okay, time to remotivate myself.
Bitchy Mia is sometimes good there. As well as that, I have Hugh who wants to run with me- which is really good because a) I've been trying to think of something we could do together because we don't hang out on our own much at all, and b) it's really good motivation to get better.
I can do it too, maybe not straight away but I'll run a few k's today, before going to Mia's, and now Easter is over, I've finished baking and no more buffet dinners, I can keep tracking calories and go back to losing consistently, rather than staying the same as I have this week. Walking to the gym isn't that good for exercise, walking is easy but not exactly burning much but then it's body attack which kills. But hopefully in a good way.
30 Day Shred I'll do tonight, I think it's time to go to the next level, but I'm intimidated so I'll stay one more night on Level 1. I'll get right back on with everything tonight, because I've stopped some stuff this week due to not being bothered. I'm hopeful tonight will be different but I'll be pushing myself hard today with running and gym and Shred so we'll see.
As for everything else Mia just told me, yes, my BMI is overweight. I know it's a crappy scale and doesn't really mean much, it's a straight up height to weight ratio, and very unreliable, but it is true, it's weight I would like to shift and at 26, it'll take me a month or more to get to normal which is 24.
Yes, 60kg is my ultimate goal weight but it's not like I'm really thinking that i need to lose almost 15kg, I don't really. I'll be healthy under 70 really. Mid 60's would be good, it's just a matter of getting into the habits of eating right and exercising right that are most important to me. A few pieces of chocolate here and there, or an extra spoonful of honey, or a second piece of banana cake are screwing me up so I need to get off that.
I just got a bit bored with my diet this week after Easter and I believe now that I'm back calorie counting after the weekend and weighing myself I will be much more motivated. Good numbers motivate me whereas bad ones just make me want to stop. And I know exactly how to make myself get lower numbers.
H-E-A-L-T-H-Y E-AT-I-N-G.
It's one thing for Megan to tell me 'it's just one night' but she also tells me things like 'urgh, this thigh gap is so weird, I don't like it.' The way she can eat and the way I can are just polar opposites so I can't listen to her about this stuff, I have to think about myself and my own body.
Okay, I'll go get ready to go running now. I can do this shit, just gotta get up and go :)
ALSO, like I said, I'm not doing this in any way for you-know-who. Honestly I'm not. Do I want to look pretty around him? Yes, but it's not a factor in this. As last post said, the longer this goes on, the less of a factor in my life he becomes. It's sad but such is life.
Bitchy Mia is sometimes good there. As well as that, I have Hugh who wants to run with me- which is really good because a) I've been trying to think of something we could do together because we don't hang out on our own much at all, and b) it's really good motivation to get better.
I can do it too, maybe not straight away but I'll run a few k's today, before going to Mia's, and now Easter is over, I've finished baking and no more buffet dinners, I can keep tracking calories and go back to losing consistently, rather than staying the same as I have this week. Walking to the gym isn't that good for exercise, walking is easy but not exactly burning much but then it's body attack which kills. But hopefully in a good way.
30 Day Shred I'll do tonight, I think it's time to go to the next level, but I'm intimidated so I'll stay one more night on Level 1. I'll get right back on with everything tonight, because I've stopped some stuff this week due to not being bothered. I'm hopeful tonight will be different but I'll be pushing myself hard today with running and gym and Shred so we'll see.
As for everything else Mia just told me, yes, my BMI is overweight. I know it's a crappy scale and doesn't really mean much, it's a straight up height to weight ratio, and very unreliable, but it is true, it's weight I would like to shift and at 26, it'll take me a month or more to get to normal which is 24.
Yes, 60kg is my ultimate goal weight but it's not like I'm really thinking that i need to lose almost 15kg, I don't really. I'll be healthy under 70 really. Mid 60's would be good, it's just a matter of getting into the habits of eating right and exercising right that are most important to me. A few pieces of chocolate here and there, or an extra spoonful of honey, or a second piece of banana cake are screwing me up so I need to get off that.
I just got a bit bored with my diet this week after Easter and I believe now that I'm back calorie counting after the weekend and weighing myself I will be much more motivated. Good numbers motivate me whereas bad ones just make me want to stop. And I know exactly how to make myself get lower numbers.
H-E-A-L-T-H-Y E-AT-I-N-G.
It's one thing for Megan to tell me 'it's just one night' but she also tells me things like 'urgh, this thigh gap is so weird, I don't like it.' The way she can eat and the way I can are just polar opposites so I can't listen to her about this stuff, I have to think about myself and my own body.
Okay, I'll go get ready to go running now. I can do this shit, just gotta get up and go :)
ALSO, like I said, I'm not doing this in any way for you-know-who. Honestly I'm not. Do I want to look pretty around him? Yes, but it's not a factor in this. As last post said, the longer this goes on, the less of a factor in my life he becomes. It's sad but such is life.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Sad changes
You know how sometimes you have a party or hang out with all your friends and it's great and all, but once they're gone you just want to crash and are totally glad it's over? Even if it was totally great fun, you just realise you are not a hardcore party animal and would like to take a break? That's me right now.
Blogging is so relaxing, it's like after a football game, going through it during warm down with the coach, you know, the highlights and the mistakes and the bits you want to replay. An evaluation.
Overall, it was a nice evening. We had a lovely dinner, though I had so much dessert, I just couldn't help it. And then everyone came over to my house and it was just... pleasant. I like pleasant. It's not insane crazy awesome but it's nothing to complain about.
You-know-who was there....obviously, if he wasn't, I doubt this would make a blog entry. I haven't seen him for awhile. By that I just mean a week and a half or something. We got along alright... alright for us that is. He kicks my heels to annoy me, I chuck things at him when he's too far away to hit, he rolls his eyes when I mutter about sexism.
To be honest, I miss him. Not this type of interaction, it's okay but it's boring. I'm over it. It's not what makes me like him, when our conversation remains shallow and through other people. Or just... teasing that isn't malicious, but it's not 100% nice either. Like for example, when we left the club and it was cold, so I was bouncing a bit, you know, with my arms crossed, cos I just had a long sleeved (warm) shirt, but no coat, and he's like 'would you like a coat?' because you know, he's a guy, and has a coat. But I knew he wasn't serious, like, I knew there'd be a punch line, and true to form there was. As always, push me towards my ex '...cos Garvinh's got one.' I mean, I'd just said no, but it didn't stop him from laughing about it, but if I had of said yes, maybe it would have hurt my feelings. Like I said, it's not a mean intent, but it's not the most friendly either.
We weren't near each other on the table, close enough to be part of the same conversation but not much else. I sat down early and people just say next to me so no problem. If there was a seat next to him, I probably wouldn't have taken it anyway.
I don't know.
My issues with him just suck. I can't help just being a tiny bit hostile, whether it's in response to him, or if he's mirroring me, I don't know. Or if it's nothing like that at all and we're both just doing our own thing. But I miss him, and being his friend unquestionably, where if I muttered "I don't like you." just like, when he does something annoying, he doesn't respond with 'Oh and that's why you always want to have lunch with me on Tuesdays.... and Thursdays... and Wednesdays, and don't let me forget Mondays." And yeah, I can say sarcastically back "Yeah, cos we have lunch every day." but it's so stupid. It makes me feel stupid. Two reasons, a) because it's making the fact that we meet up purely because I want to, not because he cares about my company, and b) the way he said it....like, it was a bad thing. Also, the fact that it's not even true, he asks me just as much, we see each other for 40 minutes, once a week, if that. We almost never talk online, and god, why did he have to go and say that?
Whatever, so we won't hang out again at my urging. See, here is what frustrates me. I thought we were okay, I thought I was allowed to say 'can we hang out now?' I thought it was good that I could just ask, without it being weird, that it was okay that I was saying, yes I care, and I hate that he threw that back in my face. I hate the fact that I try, that I have tried so hard this year to do everything right, to see him in the right way, to make plans with him honestly and correctly, and to try to make our friendship workable and that he doesn't give a damn and just makes it a cheap joke that I care and he doesn't.
Do I deserve it for making throwaway comments like 'I don't like you' or whatever? Maybe. I over analyse the things he says but don't always censor myself in any way, because I assume he knows what I really mean. I'm just kidding of course, but maybe I shouldn't do that if I expect that same courtesy back.
I don't know exactly what I expect from him, but I like to be noticed and I guess I want... conversation that isn't a trap or that isn't stressful. Like, I want to have a conversation with him where I don't feel lower coming out of it than I do when I start. Like, I'm gullible, super gullible, it's bad, honestly. But like, if he tells me something and okay, I believe it, then he's like 'nah, I was joking, I can't believe you believed me' or something like that, I just feel... bad. I don't like feeling teared down and that's what conversation with him lately is like.
At the same time, my fascination with him is still there, my eyes zero in on him like no one else. I literally assess all tiny aspects of his appearance, of his face, hair, clothes, my eyes look so much closer.
When we were in a huddle, looking over someone's shoulder at something, you know, I was draped over a friends shoulders and you know, people were near me and it's just the second he joined the huddle, at my side, sorta behind me, like, I'm just ultra aware of it, like I couldn't help looking around at him and giving him a look. Same as if he comes over and starts leaning on me or something. Like, I tell him to quit touching me and I don't know why, because at the same time... it's not like I have an issue with it, it's just... I don't know what I feel.
I miss having long conversation with him, where it's not just teasing or joking around. I don't know how to describe it, it's not that we don't have conversation now that isn't about important things... but it's closed off, it's not informative, it's like a few suduku numbers, but not enough to finish the puzzle. They aren't there to help you, just to frustrate you. Whereas before when we spoke it was just fun, or maybe exciting but I just felt more...care, and now I don't. The guy that used to hug me tight or whose lap I could sit on and laugh or who could made me feel the world.... I don't know, it's not that guy anymore.
Not the non plutonic stuff, just the friends stuff. That's what I miss right now, being able to talk and joke around where neither of us has to be the butt of the joke. Or where our conversations just always take oppositional stances, just for the sake of it and I feel attacked.
Also, Megan still gives me concerned looks every time he brings up Georgia. I mean, he's always done it, I'm used to it. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing he does, now at least. Before it was a lot more insensitive, but these days... well, things are different.
I suppose my evaluation is this... it's not that we aren't friends or that this is going to stop us being friends. Whatever else, he is still interesting... I still like to talk to him and listen to him and speak with him, we just don't do so much of it anymore. I don't know, it's just got uncomfortable lately, a mix of too many bad jokes and friendly put downs I think. Like... blonde jokes and jokes about how I take bad care of my pets or that he doesn't want to go in my car because he doesn't trust my driving or.... well, etc etc. Which leads to us not saying hello specifically, like when one of us joins the group, we don't look at each other and smile and say hi, we just talk to the group. Or when he says goodbye, he'll say 'Bye Luce' but I won't get up and get a hug goodbye. Things like that, we sabotage our own friendship.
Blogging is so relaxing, it's like after a football game, going through it during warm down with the coach, you know, the highlights and the mistakes and the bits you want to replay. An evaluation.
Overall, it was a nice evening. We had a lovely dinner, though I had so much dessert, I just couldn't help it. And then everyone came over to my house and it was just... pleasant. I like pleasant. It's not insane crazy awesome but it's nothing to complain about.
You-know-who was there....obviously, if he wasn't, I doubt this would make a blog entry. I haven't seen him for awhile. By that I just mean a week and a half or something. We got along alright... alright for us that is. He kicks my heels to annoy me, I chuck things at him when he's too far away to hit, he rolls his eyes when I mutter about sexism.
To be honest, I miss him. Not this type of interaction, it's okay but it's boring. I'm over it. It's not what makes me like him, when our conversation remains shallow and through other people. Or just... teasing that isn't malicious, but it's not 100% nice either. Like for example, when we left the club and it was cold, so I was bouncing a bit, you know, with my arms crossed, cos I just had a long sleeved (warm) shirt, but no coat, and he's like 'would you like a coat?' because you know, he's a guy, and has a coat. But I knew he wasn't serious, like, I knew there'd be a punch line, and true to form there was. As always, push me towards my ex '...cos Garvinh's got one.' I mean, I'd just said no, but it didn't stop him from laughing about it, but if I had of said yes, maybe it would have hurt my feelings. Like I said, it's not a mean intent, but it's not the most friendly either.
We weren't near each other on the table, close enough to be part of the same conversation but not much else. I sat down early and people just say next to me so no problem. If there was a seat next to him, I probably wouldn't have taken it anyway.
I don't know.
My issues with him just suck. I can't help just being a tiny bit hostile, whether it's in response to him, or if he's mirroring me, I don't know. Or if it's nothing like that at all and we're both just doing our own thing. But I miss him, and being his friend unquestionably, where if I muttered "I don't like you." just like, when he does something annoying, he doesn't respond with 'Oh and that's why you always want to have lunch with me on Tuesdays.... and Thursdays... and Wednesdays, and don't let me forget Mondays." And yeah, I can say sarcastically back "Yeah, cos we have lunch every day." but it's so stupid. It makes me feel stupid. Two reasons, a) because it's making the fact that we meet up purely because I want to, not because he cares about my company, and b) the way he said it....like, it was a bad thing. Also, the fact that it's not even true, he asks me just as much, we see each other for 40 minutes, once a week, if that. We almost never talk online, and god, why did he have to go and say that?
Whatever, so we won't hang out again at my urging. See, here is what frustrates me. I thought we were okay, I thought I was allowed to say 'can we hang out now?' I thought it was good that I could just ask, without it being weird, that it was okay that I was saying, yes I care, and I hate that he threw that back in my face. I hate the fact that I try, that I have tried so hard this year to do everything right, to see him in the right way, to make plans with him honestly and correctly, and to try to make our friendship workable and that he doesn't give a damn and just makes it a cheap joke that I care and he doesn't.
Do I deserve it for making throwaway comments like 'I don't like you' or whatever? Maybe. I over analyse the things he says but don't always censor myself in any way, because I assume he knows what I really mean. I'm just kidding of course, but maybe I shouldn't do that if I expect that same courtesy back.
I don't know exactly what I expect from him, but I like to be noticed and I guess I want... conversation that isn't a trap or that isn't stressful. Like, I want to have a conversation with him where I don't feel lower coming out of it than I do when I start. Like, I'm gullible, super gullible, it's bad, honestly. But like, if he tells me something and okay, I believe it, then he's like 'nah, I was joking, I can't believe you believed me' or something like that, I just feel... bad. I don't like feeling teared down and that's what conversation with him lately is like.
At the same time, my fascination with him is still there, my eyes zero in on him like no one else. I literally assess all tiny aspects of his appearance, of his face, hair, clothes, my eyes look so much closer.
When we were in a huddle, looking over someone's shoulder at something, you know, I was draped over a friends shoulders and you know, people were near me and it's just the second he joined the huddle, at my side, sorta behind me, like, I'm just ultra aware of it, like I couldn't help looking around at him and giving him a look. Same as if he comes over and starts leaning on me or something. Like, I tell him to quit touching me and I don't know why, because at the same time... it's not like I have an issue with it, it's just... I don't know what I feel.
I miss having long conversation with him, where it's not just teasing or joking around. I don't know how to describe it, it's not that we don't have conversation now that isn't about important things... but it's closed off, it's not informative, it's like a few suduku numbers, but not enough to finish the puzzle. They aren't there to help you, just to frustrate you. Whereas before when we spoke it was just fun, or maybe exciting but I just felt more...care, and now I don't. The guy that used to hug me tight or whose lap I could sit on and laugh or who could made me feel the world.... I don't know, it's not that guy anymore.
Not the non plutonic stuff, just the friends stuff. That's what I miss right now, being able to talk and joke around where neither of us has to be the butt of the joke. Or where our conversations just always take oppositional stances, just for the sake of it and I feel attacked.
Also, Megan still gives me concerned looks every time he brings up Georgia. I mean, he's always done it, I'm used to it. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing he does, now at least. Before it was a lot more insensitive, but these days... well, things are different.
I suppose my evaluation is this... it's not that we aren't friends or that this is going to stop us being friends. Whatever else, he is still interesting... I still like to talk to him and listen to him and speak with him, we just don't do so much of it anymore. I don't know, it's just got uncomfortable lately, a mix of too many bad jokes and friendly put downs I think. Like... blonde jokes and jokes about how I take bad care of my pets or that he doesn't want to go in my car because he doesn't trust my driving or.... well, etc etc. Which leads to us not saying hello specifically, like when one of us joins the group, we don't look at each other and smile and say hi, we just talk to the group. Or when he says goodbye, he'll say 'Bye Luce' but I won't get up and get a hug goodbye. Things like that, we sabotage our own friendship.
Monday, 9 April 2012
update
Just.... bad day today.
2 topics. Will deal with the healthy/ fitness/ weight loss side first. Gained, obviously, after Easter. Not much but enough to depress me. Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't barely today, though I will hate myself less if I manage to do the 30DS tonight at least. I don't know what happened to my motivation but its nowhere to be found I'm afraid.
Stupid healthy diet has made me break out these last few weeks, since I cut out all the salt and chocolate and it's making me really fucking annoyed. If it isn't one thing, it's another. It's my week off but I'm stressed anyway over Uni and this diet which I haven't kept well these last few days, with chocolate and not drinking enough water and having 3 bowls of oats today, and eating honey out of the jar and argh, it's just bad.
Coupled with staying in bed watching Torchwood, I'm just a bit purposeless today.
Second, I haven't talked to you-know-who in forever. He's on Facebook and not said anything and maybe I could make the argument that I haven't either and that's true but once upon a time I didn't have to and I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't even blame this on PMS, but I'm feeling a bit fragile. And I'm gonna see him tomorrow with the group but even that sucks cos I feel disgusting after Easter, I have pimples which is disgusting cos this has like, never happened to me before like this much, I'm in glasses right now, which make me feel like an ugly duckling, and I feel like I don't matter to him at all anymore.
I was so positive that things had taken a turn for the better once uni started and I thought we could be close again in a good way and now it's not like that and it sucks. My feelings for him aren't even classified right now, they're confusing and stressful and angry and aren't the kind that give you butterflies to talk to him or make you smile to hear him say your name, it's partially the oppositite, frustration that we aren't talking and anger at everyone because of it and at myself and at him and just...urgh.
I know I have no right to go on about this but it's bugging me right now.
I suppose thinking about it right now though... there are some positives with my feelings for him, some more changes.
I remember, I used to think of it an achievement if I didn't think of him in the first few minutes before I got up, or before school, if I'd not brought him up in my mind by half past 6, that was actually good. Then by January he was in my mind like, every half an hour all day long. But now, April, until this last half an hour, I hadn't really thought his name all day. Maybe once when I saw a blonde girl and guy walking when I'd gone to walk the dogs and was trying to work out why I felt embarrassed or intimidated. My eventual theory was the 'guy with a blonde girlfriend that's skinnier than me' archetype was kind of a sore point for me.
But anyways, he's much more of a non thought these days but still, it does get me down on occasion.
2 topics. Will deal with the healthy/ fitness/ weight loss side first. Gained, obviously, after Easter. Not much but enough to depress me. Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't barely today, though I will hate myself less if I manage to do the 30DS tonight at least. I don't know what happened to my motivation but its nowhere to be found I'm afraid.
Stupid healthy diet has made me break out these last few weeks, since I cut out all the salt and chocolate and it's making me really fucking annoyed. If it isn't one thing, it's another. It's my week off but I'm stressed anyway over Uni and this diet which I haven't kept well these last few days, with chocolate and not drinking enough water and having 3 bowls of oats today, and eating honey out of the jar and argh, it's just bad.
Coupled with staying in bed watching Torchwood, I'm just a bit purposeless today.
Second, I haven't talked to you-know-who in forever. He's on Facebook and not said anything and maybe I could make the argument that I haven't either and that's true but once upon a time I didn't have to and I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't even blame this on PMS, but I'm feeling a bit fragile. And I'm gonna see him tomorrow with the group but even that sucks cos I feel disgusting after Easter, I have pimples which is disgusting cos this has like, never happened to me before like this much, I'm in glasses right now, which make me feel like an ugly duckling, and I feel like I don't matter to him at all anymore.
I was so positive that things had taken a turn for the better once uni started and I thought we could be close again in a good way and now it's not like that and it sucks. My feelings for him aren't even classified right now, they're confusing and stressful and angry and aren't the kind that give you butterflies to talk to him or make you smile to hear him say your name, it's partially the oppositite, frustration that we aren't talking and anger at everyone because of it and at myself and at him and just...urgh.
I know I have no right to go on about this but it's bugging me right now.
I suppose thinking about it right now though... there are some positives with my feelings for him, some more changes.
I remember, I used to think of it an achievement if I didn't think of him in the first few minutes before I got up, or before school, if I'd not brought him up in my mind by half past 6, that was actually good. Then by January he was in my mind like, every half an hour all day long. But now, April, until this last half an hour, I hadn't really thought his name all day. Maybe once when I saw a blonde girl and guy walking when I'd gone to walk the dogs and was trying to work out why I felt embarrassed or intimidated. My eventual theory was the 'guy with a blonde girlfriend that's skinnier than me' archetype was kind of a sore point for me.
But anyways, he's much more of a non thought these days but still, it does get me down on occasion.
Friday, 6 April 2012
Questions the third.
- 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
- Lol no.
- 2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
- Lol....yes.
- 3. Have you taken someones virginity?
- Only kissing!
- 4. Is trust a big issue for you?
- Not really, I'm actually really gullible, while being incredibly cynical at the same time. It's a hard mix to maintain.
- 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
- Nope.
- 6. What are you excited for?
- Easter.... but also dreading it cos I know I'm gonna eat too much.
- 7. What happened tonight?
- I went for a super quick jog, then made stirfry. That's basically my night so far.
- 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
- It's disgusting when people get really wasted. But I've done it once so I think it's okay to try and I don't want to judge really. I mean, people should do what they want and if they want to get super drunk, just don't try to talk to me or hit on me and we'll be cool.
- 9. Is confidence cute?
- Hell yes.
- 10. What is the last beverage you had?
- Water :)
- 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
- I don;t know. A few. I trust people in different ways. How many do I trust to jump in front of a bus for me is different to people I trust not to break my heart which is different to people I trust to come running if I said 'I need you now.' which again, is a different list to my 'I need help burying the body' list.
- 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
- Not really. I have jeans that aren't loose but no actual skinny jeans. Once I get skinny.
- 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
- Lol, probs nothing. We'll see.
- 14. What are you going to spend money on next?
- Not a clue. Depend what I do tomorrow. Maybe on paying a friend back for a ticket for a theatre/movie thing.
- 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
- Lol no.
- 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
- Yes, that's the plan anyways :)
- 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
- Well.... I'd answer that but it'd be uncomfortable :P
- 18. The last time you felt broken?
- I don't feel broken.... ever. Probably because I'm not.
- 19. Have you had sex today?
- No :)
- 20. Are you starting to realize anything?
- Not really.
- 21. Are you in a good mood?
- Pretty good mood
- 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
- No.
- 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
- Sure are.
- 24. What do you want right this second?
- Contacts would be good right now.
- 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
- What's new?
- 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
- Yep.
- 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
- Yes... but they'd have to make up for it by being super hot :P Jks, but yeah, I think I would. Funny isn't a must, its just a selling point :) And everyone is funny sometimes.
- 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
- Tumblr memes. Funniest church signs... I know, very blasphemous for Good Friday.
- 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
- God yeah.
- 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
- No. But most people do. It depends.
- 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
- No. it was my Dad so......
- 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
- Sort of, its complicated haha. Actually, no I don't think he does.
- 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
- Mostly. Now I don't at all but i've never really been big on fizzy drink.
- 34. Listening to?
- "A Boy like that" Glee, Santana/Rachel, West Side Story.
- 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
- Not really.
- 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
- No... I could make a guess but no, I don't know.
- 37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
- No.
- 38. Who did you last call?
- 39. Who was the last person you danced with?
- Corey :)
- 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
- Because I wanted to lol. Why else would I? Why did I want to.... well that's up to debate really. Love I guess.
- 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
- Awhile ago.
- 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
- Nope.
- 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
- Fucking GPOY lol
- 44. Do you tan in the nude?
- Not often lol. Topless yes.
- 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
- ...Yes, I think I would. It was more than a little fucked.
- 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
- Not last night.
- 47. Who was the last person to call you?
- Daddy :)
- 48. Do you sing in the shower?
- Yes :P Tone deaf and proud.
- 49. Do you dance in the car?
- Not often lol.
- 50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
- Yup. Not that good though.
- 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
- Professionally, when I was a baby lol. By just a camera, idk.
- 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
- They can be good though.
- 53. Is Christmas stressful?
- Lol no.
- 54. Ever eat a pierogi?
- DOn't know what that is.
- 55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
- Don't like any? What other kinds apart from Apple Pie is there?
- 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
- Doctor, Teacher, Astronaut.
- 57. Do you believe in ghosts?
- No.
- 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
- All the time.
- 59. Take a vitamin daily?
- No.
- 60. Wear slippers?
- No.
- 61. Wear a bath robe?
- No.
- 62. What do you wear to bed?
- Nothing :P
- 63. First concert?
- Nikki Webster.
- 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
- No preference. Kmart maybe.
- 65. Nike or Adidas?
- No Preference. Adidas because of the sweat shops.
- 66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
- Never tried either.
- 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
- Peanuts.
- 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
- Apart from all of them.... um. Fuck. I don't know. Breathe. I think.
- 69. Ever take dance lessons?
- Yep.
- 70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
- Lol, I'm not going to embarrass myself with my first thought lol. Maybe... a teacher.
- 71. Can you curl your tongue?
- Nahhh.
- 72. Ever won a spelling bee?
- Nahh. If I was American though, I bet I would have.
- 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
- I don't think so.
- 74. What is your favorite book?
- Apart from all of them? Tomorrow when the war began.
- 75. Do you study better with or without music?
- Without, it's proven.
- 76. Regularly burn incense?
- No.
- 77. Ever been in love?
- Yes.
- 78. Who would you like to see in concert?
- Taylor Swift. Or Glee.
- 79. What was the last concert you saw?
- I don't do concerts.
- 80. Hot tea or cold tea?
- Hot I guess?
- 81. Tea or coffee?
- Tea probs.
- 82. Favorite type of cookie?
- Chocolate?
- 83. Can you swim well?
- Pretty well.
- 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
- Yes.
- 85. Are you patient?
- Sometimes.
- 86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
- DJ.
- 87. Ever won a contest?
- I've won a raffle, does that count?
- 88. Ever have plastic surgery?
- No.
- 89. Which are better black or green olives?
- Olives are awful.
- 90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
- Perfectly acceptable.
- 91. Best room for a fireplace?
- Living room.
- 92. Do you want to get married?
- Yes. For shizzle.
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