weigh in

Yesterday was actually very pessimistic of me. I'm much calmer and happier now. The scales said 74.6. That makes me sure that they were actually around 78/79kg mark, and that I've actually lost something quite substantial... well, relatively. I want to get to 60, so I sure have a lot of weeks/ months to go, and then you know, lifestyle, but this is the hard part, the actual weight loss. Once I lose it, and just breaking even will be enough, I will be able to be less strict because obviously I can add 1000 calories a day to my diet without moving up again.

I can do this, and I will. Tomorrow I will look on the scales (if mum didn't break them today fiddling with all the buttons -.-") and hopefully I've gone down again, just a bit. 200 grams fingers crossed :)

I mean, I've done some hard yakka today. Not really, but I did some walking and the 30 day shred level 1, so I'm about on par for my day. I'm hungry actually, I really want chocolate. God, I really want it. Can I justify it? I don't know. 

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 I did justify it. I'm not guilty. I took 4 pieces of white chocolate and enjoyed every tiny piece. It was 25 grams and it was delicious. It was about 130 calories so it's honestly not a huge deal, I had the extra and I'd done a lot of exercise. I'm sorry it means I broke my nutrition goal for the week and that I broke my 'no eating after 9 o clock but I'm happier that I was able to eat in moderation, rather than half a block and there was no repercussions. I lost the 200 grams :) 74.4kg now.

For the Ready For Summer goal, I said I would lose 1kg this week (and every week), so I need to lose .4 more by Sunday morning, which is when I will have my offical weigh in. I mean, I'm sure I've already lost a kg this week, but I need to be able to record the kg, therefore I have to be 74 or under, because week one stats says 75.

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In other news, saw you-know-who yesterday. He and his girlfriend were nearly heading for Splitsville (again) but it looks like they've patched it up. At least, he seemed to indicate that by not mentioning anything in particular happening of interest, and you'd think he'd mention it.

I saw his gf today, just walking. Since we live pretty close (or at least she works pretty close and I assume she doesn't live that far from there since she walks) and I walk everywhere, and generally past her work and in that general direction plus being a bus regular, I see her often enough. And by that I mean way too much. I always worry we're gonna both be walking and run into each other. Thankfully,  that's never happened yet and the only time I've actually seen her and had to say hi was last year, when she didn't know anything and he and I probably hadn't done anything. And I remember telling him I'd seen her and him replying 'yeah, she mentioned it.' So.... yeah. I don't want to be running into her, its just annoying and makes me think of things I don't want to think about.

My feelings for you-know-who are too uncomfortable right now.

The near breakup did make me think though, as those types of things always do, about my reaction to it and what I would think if it actually happened.

I have mixed feelings obviously, but mostly just want him to be happy and after all the drama, someone should end up with him and be happy. It'd be way past ironic if neither of us got him and then he ended up with some random new girl. For continuities sake, let's call her Nicole. (I swear, if he ever does make friends with someone called Nicole, I'm going to hate her guts lol).

I'd actually be way more conflicted about him if he was single. What if that meant I could get with him? What if I shouldn't? What if he could and didn't want to? Etc etc, it would create drama because I can't be with him, now or ever, I can't. So it's best not to have options.

PS Making this the 4th time this week I've dreamed about him. He was actually cheating on Georgia with another girl (mostly a random pick from my subconscious) but he treated the girl badly or something, I don't remember and I went to confront him. I can't remember if I was defending the girl or if I was pissed at the girl for taking my spot (even though I'd given it up). It was really weird.