One of the things that always concerns me is how healthy I judge my relationship with you-know-who to be. I generally feel that if it hurts me, or could hurt me or is generally causing me angst and unhappiness and stress, rather than happiness, it's unhealthy. if it makes me feel bad about myself, it's unhealthy. If it keeps me in a bad place emotionally and romantically, it's unhealthy.
I don't know that, does it do these things?
I just want to describe my feelings for him right now.
My favourite part about Tuesdays and Thursdays when I'm at uni all day is the fact that'll I'll probably get to see him. For as long as I can remember, at least all last year, that's always how I've felt.... weird that the days we used to get to hang out just us are the same days.... and that our main weekly time to spend together is still Tuesday afternoons.
I mean, I don't look forward to it (not in that sense) but I embrace it as a positive of those days and I'm a little disappointed if we don't meet up. Even if it's because I don't text him and ask. If I get a text I always hope first that'll it'll be from him. I don't know why, he's just the most interesting relationship I have, everyone else is so predictable and he's not. I just like that. I can't describe it better than that, I don't know every inch of his mind, I don't always know what he'll say or do or believe and unlike everyone that just seems to stay the same and be the same and act the same, with him I don't know...and that's exciting.
When we're together, it's not hard to just be... comfortable, and there is this line between wanting to impress him and being myself and I think it's more than I want to be completely myself but also have him like me for that. And that is the way it is most of the time I think. Maybe that's why I like hanging around with him as well, he... knows me, in ways other people don't. He knows me because we've spent so many hours talking about nothing or playing truth or dare, but also because he knows me through when I'm honest, and when I'm speaking from the heart, and when I'm mad. I share with him the way i don't with other people and it's trust, because he doesn't belittle my problems, but he also doesn't give me substandard responses to them. Maybe he doesn't give me what I want most of the time, but sometimes it's better, because it's different and he doesn't accept excuses. He'll tell me what I think, not always just what he thinks I want to hear.
When we're together, it's not exactly harmonious, but it's never really hostile. Liam was wrong about that, hostile isn't the right word. Sometimes it's that I have something to prove, that I have to be dismissive of him, and he can be the same way back, but more implicitly he'll always tell me he wants me around. Like... on Tuesday we were arguing over something or other, with the rest of the group, and he was asking if we could go to a different building, cos he was supposed to be meeting someone and he wanted food or something and we were all just like, no, too far away, way inconvenient, but because after awhile, everyone but us has class, when they all left, he was like "Let's go.' and I was like 'why, no' but he's just like 'come on', even though I was like 'I don't want to go if you're meeting someone...' but he was like 'come with me' so I did. And he didn't meet anyone, when we got there he was just like 'yeah, we passed the guy I was supposed to meet, I spent too long with you guys' and then he got two subway cookies, offered me one, and we sat down and argued about gender politics for an hour.
I suppose... I still have a crush on him, somewhat. Like... god, embarrassing but I dreamt about him last night, and it was this almost blind world, and the whole story involving us was that the two of us would meet up in the darkness (just as friends) but like, sneak out at night to do so. And then one time, I almost kissed him. EDIT: Today (next day), I had a total of four dreams during the night, he was featured/ heavily involved in three. What the fuck. My subconscious has more of a crush on him than I do.
It's not like it was though... I say 'crush' but you can't go from love to 'crush'. I mean... a not very all-consuming type feeling, but one that is still comfortably love. Maybe just... love for who he is, just plutonic love, but then just a little bit more feelings than that tacked on.
Shrug, that's as honest as I can get, I can't describe it better.
I suppose it's just okay to be called 'healthy' in that I'm not doing anything about it, I don't particularly want to do anything about it. I know better than starting something with you-know-who again, and he knows the same. I'd say most likely I couldn't even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because of that. So it's a good thing I don't.
Overall, I don't think we're too badly off. He doesn't make me upset or sad really... and being with him does make me happy mostly. I'm not angsting, and he's a good motivation for me to do stuff, either to be a better person, to be a more interesting person, to be more... everything really. He makes me want to be better than I am now.
And whether that's the way I look, or the marks I get, or my ability to argue the things I believe in, he's a factor in my motivation for those things.
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