1) you-know-who said this to me, I don't know, a month ago, and it's one of those comments he meant nicely, he even said that, but it stuck with me.
- Him: N as nice as u r if ur clubbing wif mia guys will focus on her cause shes tall n good looking n stand out a bit whereas u are another blonde in a crowd.until someone starts talking to u
- Nawww.u need an ugly wing person
- Me: i know, i need you
- and so far i have never gone out with mia clubbing
- Him: That was meant to be a friend point not mean btw
- Im gorgeous
I mean, I know I shouldn't take that the wrong way, he was saying I have a good personality, I just... am average looking. Pfft, he should know all about blondes in the crowd.
Anyway I don't want to be just another blonde. I want to have a guy nudge his friend and look at me and say 'look at that girl.' I'm not ugly, my face is fine and I like my hair and I wear makeup. When it comes to looks, I don't have that much of a problem with my face. It's just my body. It's too big and I hate it. I hate that I don't measure up in the hotness scale cos I'm slightly overweight. I hate that I never almost feel good in what I'm wearing, I'm just aware of my stomach and my arms and my legs and I'm sick of that.
I know that my weight doesn't have any real bearing on my worth but... I would feel better about myself if I was who I wanted to be and I can control this. I can do something about it. I can be less insecure if my weight was one major thing I could get rid of on my 'things to hate about myself'. I would stop wondering if the reason I didn't make more friends is because of not being skinny. I would stop questioning whether that is what other people who I just meet are thinking, if their label for me is just 'fat girl'.
2) It would expand my clothing and wardrobe range if I could just walk into a store and buy the size 10. More things would look good without all the bulges or fat arms or not being able to wear short skirts because of my flabby legs. I could wear tank tops and shorts and not feel weird. I wouldn't have to wear cardigans over the top of sleeveless tops.
3)It really would increase my chances of getting boyfriends.
4) I really want to get fit. Like, honestly, since I hit 16 and gained this weight (I was always average before), I could run cross country, I had completed it before without having to walk at all. 20 push ups wouldn't phase me, I could do pull ups, and sit ups and had awesome upper body strength from all the gymnastics as a kid. I want to be able to do those things again, I take pride in being strong and able.
5) I'm enjoying the exercise. I feel good about myself for doing it and am becoming more comfortable with my body because I am determined that it will change. I mean, I don't feel out of control with my weight now, or helpless, I can and am doing something about it. I'm happy that I'm in week 2 now, it is the beginning of showing that this isn't just a quick fad, I am going to do this, all 10 weeks now, and then more. I will get to my comfortable weight, which is just above 60k I think (we'll see what I look like when I get there) [and I WILL get there] and then it will just be maintaining my healthy eating habits and exercise a few times a week. Once I can run 3k's without having to stop, I will be able to do that in 20 minutes. I could do it every morning if I wanted. And until then, I am doing what I am doing and proud of it.
6) This is a change I am making for me. Not for anyone but myself. Mum or Mia or anyone could tell me to lose weight until they're blue in the face but it wouldn't happen without my initiative. It will make me happy. I want who I am on the inside to match what I am on the outside and with the extra weight, I do not feel like that person.
7) I'm vain and want to be hot. Lol. I want collar bones and thigh gap and thin arms and I want to look good in a bikini. I want to enjoy shopping where looking in the mirror doesn't make me want to hate myself. I want to be able to take a full length photo and not hate it. And hate all of my body. From my stomach and the way it isn't flat and sticks out above my pubic bone, to my everything else.
8) Maybe the worst reason, but thankfully it's not anything as bad as "If I'm skinnier, maybe you-know-who will like me' because that isn't it. It's more... if I'm the same or thinner than Georgia, then I can say to myself, that wasn't why. I mean, I know it wasn't. He isn't like that and I know it wouldn't have mattered but... I still want to be there and prove that I'm just as good in that way. Obviously if there is anyone in the world I have an inferiority complex for, it's her. And also, after break ups or similar things, you are supposed to come back hotter and better and all around more fabulous, and make the person sorry they didn't want you. I want that.
I want him to tell me I look good. He already does/did, but this year, he will have reason to. Me too, I want to tell myself 'I look good.'
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