Yesterday was actually very pessimistic of me. I'm much calmer and happier now. The scales said 74.6. That makes me sure that they were actually around 78/79kg mark, and that I've actually lost something quite substantial... well, relatively. I want to get to 60, so I sure have a lot of weeks/ months to go, and then you know, lifestyle, but this is the hard part, the actual weight loss. Once I lose it, and just breaking even will be enough, I will be able to be less strict because obviously I can add 1000 calories a day to my diet without moving up again.
I can do this, and I will. Tomorrow I will look on the scales (if mum didn't break them today fiddling with all the buttons -.-") and hopefully I've gone down again, just a bit. 200 grams fingers crossed :)
I mean, I've done some hard yakka today. Not really, but I did some walking and the 30 day shred level 1, so I'm about on par for my day. I'm hungry actually, I really want chocolate. God, I really want it. Can I justify it? I don't know.
----
I did justify it. I'm not guilty. I took 4 pieces of white chocolate and enjoyed every tiny piece. It was 25 grams and it was delicious. It was about 130 calories so it's honestly not a huge deal, I had the extra and I'd done a lot of exercise. I'm sorry it means I broke my nutrition goal for the week and that I broke my 'no eating after 9 o clock but I'm happier that I was able to eat in moderation, rather than half a block and there was no repercussions. I lost the 200 grams :) 74.4kg now.
For the Ready For Summer goal, I said I would lose 1kg this week (and every week), so I need to lose .4 more by Sunday morning, which is when I will have my offical weigh in. I mean, I'm sure I've already lost a kg this week, but I need to be able to record the kg, therefore I have to be 74 or under, because week one stats says 75.
---
In other news, saw you-know-who yesterday. He and his girlfriend were nearly heading for Splitsville (again) but it looks like they've patched it up. At least, he seemed to indicate that by not mentioning anything in particular happening of interest, and you'd think he'd mention it.
I saw his gf today, just walking. Since we live pretty close (or at least she works pretty close and I assume she doesn't live that far from there since she walks) and I walk everywhere, and generally past her work and in that general direction plus being a bus regular, I see her often enough. And by that I mean way too much. I always worry we're gonna both be walking and run into each other. Thankfully, that's never happened yet and the only time I've actually seen her and had to say hi was last year, when she didn't know anything and he and I probably hadn't done anything. And I remember telling him I'd seen her and him replying 'yeah, she mentioned it.' So.... yeah. I don't want to be running into her, its just annoying and makes me think of things I don't want to think about.
My feelings for you-know-who are too uncomfortable right now.
The near breakup did make me think though, as those types of things always do, about my reaction to it and what I would think if it actually happened.
I have mixed feelings obviously, but mostly just want him to be happy and after all the drama, someone should end up with him and be happy. It'd be way past ironic if neither of us got him and then he ended up with some random new girl. For continuities sake, let's call her Nicole. (I swear, if he ever does make friends with someone called Nicole, I'm going to hate her guts lol).
I'd actually be way more conflicted about him if he was single. What if that meant I could get with him? What if I shouldn't? What if he could and didn't want to? Etc etc, it would create drama because I can't be with him, now or ever, I can't. So it's best not to have options.
PS Making this the 4th time this week I've dreamed about him. He was actually cheating on Georgia with another girl (mostly a random pick from my subconscious) but he treated the girl badly or something, I don't remember and I went to confront him. I can't remember if I was defending the girl or if I was pissed at the girl for taking my spot (even though I'd given it up). It was really weird.
Friday, 30 March 2012
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Fears and things.
Okay! So it's Wednesday night, midweek :) It is so good having no Uni or Work on Wednesday. I have all day to myself. Well mostly, Dad asked me to wire him 40 bucks for petrol -.-" so I had to walk down to the bank and do that. On the plus side, I'd never done it before, so new life skill acquired, and also it was a walk so you know...exercise.
I've been going well with the diet/ fitness. Counted calories the last 5 days. My workouts have been pretty bad today and yesterday but it's just a funk, along with really hurting feet and rain. I still tried to do something, I just didn't get my 10/12 laps.
Diet is good... I was a little concerned, compared to the weekend where my net was 200/400, on Monday/Tuesday it was much higher, 800/1000. I mean, it's still under 1200 and god, it better be, I'm not eating anything wrong. I'm not cutting out bread, and this is barely snacking. I'm not saying I need to snack, but if this is how many I'm consuming while being conscientious, god knows how many I was doing before and how I'm going to be keeping it under when I add in chocolate now and then, or a pizza or something, sheesh.
It mostly just scares me cos I certainly wasn't thinking like that last month, and I used to eat a whole pizza at dinner on Friday nights sometimes. That's a binge and a half. But whatever, I can't help that now, all I know is that now I have stopped that unhealthy behaviour and am now correcting it, as best I can.
Actually, I made major progress in that I bought scales today, both for weighing myself and kitchen scales, for my food.
I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm scared to, because I don't know what it'll say. I might as well just be honest, I don't know what I weight and I'm scared it'll be really high 70's. When I got on the scales a few weeks ago, I hopped off so quick I don't know what number I saw. I have been putting 75 on all my weightloss things, but what id that number was 79? So if after everything so far, it says 77 (or god forbid, higher), then I'm so fucked and since I was already overwhelmed with everything I have to lose, if nothing I have done so far even puts me and the beginning weight of what I said I was (which is bad enough), then I'll hate it.
Honestly, if it's over 74, I'm going to be upset.
But I'm waiting until morning, when I'll be at my lightest, and then face the music.
And at least in the future, I'll be able to keep track. That's worth something.
I've been going well with the diet/ fitness. Counted calories the last 5 days. My workouts have been pretty bad today and yesterday but it's just a funk, along with really hurting feet and rain. I still tried to do something, I just didn't get my 10/12 laps.
Diet is good... I was a little concerned, compared to the weekend where my net was 200/400, on Monday/Tuesday it was much higher, 800/1000. I mean, it's still under 1200 and god, it better be, I'm not eating anything wrong. I'm not cutting out bread, and this is barely snacking. I'm not saying I need to snack, but if this is how many I'm consuming while being conscientious, god knows how many I was doing before and how I'm going to be keeping it under when I add in chocolate now and then, or a pizza or something, sheesh.
It mostly just scares me cos I certainly wasn't thinking like that last month, and I used to eat a whole pizza at dinner on Friday nights sometimes. That's a binge and a half. But whatever, I can't help that now, all I know is that now I have stopped that unhealthy behaviour and am now correcting it, as best I can.
Actually, I made major progress in that I bought scales today, both for weighing myself and kitchen scales, for my food.
I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm scared to, because I don't know what it'll say. I might as well just be honest, I don't know what I weight and I'm scared it'll be really high 70's. When I got on the scales a few weeks ago, I hopped off so quick I don't know what number I saw. I have been putting 75 on all my weightloss things, but what id that number was 79? So if after everything so far, it says 77 (or god forbid, higher), then I'm so fucked and since I was already overwhelmed with everything I have to lose, if nothing I have done so far even puts me and the beginning weight of what I said I was (which is bad enough), then I'll hate it.
Honestly, if it's over 74, I'm going to be upset.
But I'm waiting until morning, when I'll be at my lightest, and then face the music.
And at least in the future, I'll be able to keep track. That's worth something.
Monday, 26 March 2012
Week One Goals!
Week 1 of Ready For Summer Challenge!
It's a little weird cos I'm actually in the middle of Week 2 of my own program.
But basically, my deal is, I came to a realisation, I need to do something about this, something actually motivated and really working hard to achieve it, not just turning down dessert now and then and walking the dogs, with occasional gym visits.
This came from the realisation that I am overweight and I hate it. Well I knew that I hated it, but i didn't know I was overweight. Though it was fucking obvious just my looking in the mirror. Urgh. I jsut thought I was bigger than average but still in normal range. So Friday before last I wrote out my list of goals and restrictions and 'must do's' in my diary and have been working to stick with them in the week and a half since. It's not much I know, I feel like it's nothing, until like, it's been a month or two, I really can't say 'I've changed' but I know that I'll get there, I know that I have changed. I know that I will continue on this path and that makes me feel so good.
My mini week 1 goals are thus:
Scale goal: 1 kg. If I get more, celebrate. If not, then I will be upset because I have been trying very hard. But I will weigh myself for the first time tomorrow hopefully. So my measurement will be based on that and hopefully, the same next week.
Non scale victory: Walk proudly in my leggings and Tshirt when I walk to/from the park where I exercise. I am a fucking goddess and whatever I look like now, come back in 6 months, you will wish your girlfriend looked like me. (I'm joking but you know, just be proud of what I look like and what I'm doing and how far I know I am going to go)
Nutrition: No chocolate. I can do it. I won't make that my goal every week but from now until Saturday (the first day in my fitness week) there is no excuse for eating it. It's off limits.
Exercise: This week I want to get to 65 sit ups. 10 good push ups, and stick with my 1 minute plank.
As for the mini-challenge, I don't know what I'll try yet, but I'll find something. As is, I've started cooking meals for myself that I've never cooked before, like stirfry, even though I've eaten them a bunch of times. I will find a veggie that I've never tried before maybe.
It's a little weird cos I'm actually in the middle of Week 2 of my own program.
But basically, my deal is, I came to a realisation, I need to do something about this, something actually motivated and really working hard to achieve it, not just turning down dessert now and then and walking the dogs, with occasional gym visits.
This came from the realisation that I am overweight and I hate it. Well I knew that I hated it, but i didn't know I was overweight. Though it was fucking obvious just my looking in the mirror. Urgh. I jsut thought I was bigger than average but still in normal range. So Friday before last I wrote out my list of goals and restrictions and 'must do's' in my diary and have been working to stick with them in the week and a half since. It's not much I know, I feel like it's nothing, until like, it's been a month or two, I really can't say 'I've changed' but I know that I'll get there, I know that I have changed. I know that I will continue on this path and that makes me feel so good.
My mini week 1 goals are thus:
Scale goal: 1 kg. If I get more, celebrate. If not, then I will be upset because I have been trying very hard. But I will weigh myself for the first time tomorrow hopefully. So my measurement will be based on that and hopefully, the same next week.
Non scale victory: Walk proudly in my leggings and Tshirt when I walk to/from the park where I exercise. I am a fucking goddess and whatever I look like now, come back in 6 months, you will wish your girlfriend looked like me. (I'm joking but you know, just be proud of what I look like and what I'm doing and how far I know I am going to go)
Nutrition: No chocolate. I can do it. I won't make that my goal every week but from now until Saturday (the first day in my fitness week) there is no excuse for eating it. It's off limits.
Exercise: This week I want to get to 65 sit ups. 10 good push ups, and stick with my 1 minute plank.
As for the mini-challenge, I don't know what I'll try yet, but I'll find something. As is, I've started cooking meals for myself that I've never cooked before, like stirfry, even though I've eaten them a bunch of times. I will find a veggie that I've never tried before maybe.
Ready for Summer Challenge
I have joined the 'Ready for Summer Challenge!' which is I guess a bit Americanised, but what can you do? I'll get my body ready for Winter instead. It'll be a good way to keep motivated and hopefully get involved with something greater than just myself.
My goals:
Weight loss goal: I want to lose 10kg in 10 weeks. But my ultimate weight loss goal is 60kg.
Non scale orientated goals: Size 10 clothes. Have people say 'You look so good/thin/ have you lost weight?'
Nutrition goals: Not go over 1200 calories again. But mainly just eat healthily and never feel like I'm depriving myself and that I'm starving. Not to binge. Not to eat an entire pizza, if I eat any at all, because I know I usually do that and right now, it makes me feel sick to think how unhealthy I've been.
Exercise goal: Be able to run 5km. To do 100 sit ups. 20 push ups. 2 minute plank.
In other news, here is my day:
I had a busy day today, with life you know, not just involving exercise or whatever, but I wanted to fit in what I could, and I did that well.
I woke up at 9 (two minutes before my alarm, fuck yeah!) and chilled, had Special K for the first time with banana on top, then chilled some more, but eventually got my ass up and went for my jog. I did it in 26 minutes which is short but I was in a hurry and I did complete what I said I was going to. (That doesn't include the walking there and back).
I did 11 laps (which is less than normal but I'm not unhappy with myself), because my laps are now slightly longer. This 'is it 150m or not?' dealio has been bugging me so I have made my lap now a triangle which is harder because I'm best when I'm running straight for some reason, but it's now definitely long enough. And I did that increased lap for all 11 laps.
I run the longer part, then walk partially back, run 50 more metres, then walk again until I'm back at the start. So, I'm still calling my lap 150, as I have this entire time, though it is now dramatically longer.
Mondays stats: Distance: 3300 metres. Jogging: 2200 metres. Walking: 1100 metres.
It's not much, but it's my accomplishment and I'm proud of it. I've run the last 3 days and I'll hopefully maybe be able to do it every single day this week. Obviously that isn't going to happen every day for the rest of my life, but like someone once said 'you never regret a workout'. Even if all the ones I've done more sporadically in the past didn't do much, maybe they just kept the extra weight off?
And now, though I have felt no results at all thus far, since I haven't actually weighed myself at all, cos I don't own scales, this must be having some effect on me. I feel well, but I'm also getting more sleep so that could be it.
I'm go to my best friends house tomorrow most likely and will weigh myself there.
Today I also played netball which was fun and good. That always gets me hot and sweaty even if it's a short game. It's a lot of fun. So I did enough exercise I think, though I will do my fab ab february before bed. So wednesday, if I'm not working, I will try to work out another work out I can do, like... backyard stuff like squats and star jumps etc.
As for food, I thought I did well today, until I checked it into my calorie counting. I had one and a half salmon sandwiches on multigrain and it was like 500 calories. But I know salmon is good for me, I had no butter, it was the bread I guess, but I can't cut out bread, it's a staple. Plus it's good for grains and fibre.
So I went over 1200 which I hate. But I guess the 500 calories I burned help :) Hopefully. It's just that the other two days this week I've calorie counted, I was much lower, while still being full and happy.
I've just completely cut out snacking, as well as trying to make my meals as healthy as possible. Which means less butter/salt/oil, skim milk, multigrain rather than white, and less processed food. Also trying to watch my portions but I'm less good at that. And no eating after 9pm. Which basically just means no dessert, even fruit after dinner. I honestly don't need it.
The rule was always have fruit, then you can have chocolate/ junk. But I'd rather focus on what my stomach is telling me, rather than what my cravings are. I am full. So while at the beginning of last week (week one) I just made an absolute 'no hot food after dinner' which meant no more meals, like 2 minute noodles. I'm actually horrified that I did that the last few months a lot. And no unhealthy food after dinner except fruit and once a week junk.
But I don't think that was stringent enough, it needs to be more so. Last week I had Tim Tams and I binged on chips, which I didn't need. Now I have neither of those things in the house (just caramel slice *drool*) but unless I'm strong, I'll the be tempted and I will eat those things. I understand that this is a lifestyle change however, and unless I plan never to eat those things again, I can't completely cut them out, but at the same time, at this point in my weight loss journey (barely off the starting block), I feel like I would rather see some results before I start eating like that. Because otherwise, if I don't lose weight, I'll blame it on the caramel slice, when maybe it's actually I'm getting calories somewhere I don't know yet, or I need to exercise more. I need to get a good weight loss and fitness program started before I start tweaking it.
My goals:
Weight loss goal: I want to lose 10kg in 10 weeks. But my ultimate weight loss goal is 60kg.
Non scale orientated goals: Size 10 clothes. Have people say 'You look so good/thin/ have you lost weight?'
Nutrition goals: Not go over 1200 calories again. But mainly just eat healthily and never feel like I'm depriving myself and that I'm starving. Not to binge. Not to eat an entire pizza, if I eat any at all, because I know I usually do that and right now, it makes me feel sick to think how unhealthy I've been.
Exercise goal: Be able to run 5km. To do 100 sit ups. 20 push ups. 2 minute plank.
In other news, here is my day:
I had a busy day today, with life you know, not just involving exercise or whatever, but I wanted to fit in what I could, and I did that well.
I woke up at 9 (two minutes before my alarm, fuck yeah!) and chilled, had Special K for the first time with banana on top, then chilled some more, but eventually got my ass up and went for my jog. I did it in 26 minutes which is short but I was in a hurry and I did complete what I said I was going to. (That doesn't include the walking there and back).
I did 11 laps (which is less than normal but I'm not unhappy with myself), because my laps are now slightly longer. This 'is it 150m or not?' dealio has been bugging me so I have made my lap now a triangle which is harder because I'm best when I'm running straight for some reason, but it's now definitely long enough. And I did that increased lap for all 11 laps.
I run the longer part, then walk partially back, run 50 more metres, then walk again until I'm back at the start. So, I'm still calling my lap 150, as I have this entire time, though it is now dramatically longer.
Mondays stats: Distance: 3300 metres. Jogging: 2200 metres. Walking: 1100 metres.
It's not much, but it's my accomplishment and I'm proud of it. I've run the last 3 days and I'll hopefully maybe be able to do it every single day this week. Obviously that isn't going to happen every day for the rest of my life, but like someone once said 'you never regret a workout'. Even if all the ones I've done more sporadically in the past didn't do much, maybe they just kept the extra weight off?
And now, though I have felt no results at all thus far, since I haven't actually weighed myself at all, cos I don't own scales, this must be having some effect on me. I feel well, but I'm also getting more sleep so that could be it.
I'm go to my best friends house tomorrow most likely and will weigh myself there.
Today I also played netball which was fun and good. That always gets me hot and sweaty even if it's a short game. It's a lot of fun. So I did enough exercise I think, though I will do my fab ab february before bed. So wednesday, if I'm not working, I will try to work out another work out I can do, like... backyard stuff like squats and star jumps etc.
As for food, I thought I did well today, until I checked it into my calorie counting. I had one and a half salmon sandwiches on multigrain and it was like 500 calories. But I know salmon is good for me, I had no butter, it was the bread I guess, but I can't cut out bread, it's a staple. Plus it's good for grains and fibre.
So I went over 1200 which I hate. But I guess the 500 calories I burned help :) Hopefully. It's just that the other two days this week I've calorie counted, I was much lower, while still being full and happy.
I've just completely cut out snacking, as well as trying to make my meals as healthy as possible. Which means less butter/salt/oil, skim milk, multigrain rather than white, and less processed food. Also trying to watch my portions but I'm less good at that. And no eating after 9pm. Which basically just means no dessert, even fruit after dinner. I honestly don't need it.
The rule was always have fruit, then you can have chocolate/ junk. But I'd rather focus on what my stomach is telling me, rather than what my cravings are. I am full. So while at the beginning of last week (week one) I just made an absolute 'no hot food after dinner' which meant no more meals, like 2 minute noodles. I'm actually horrified that I did that the last few months a lot. And no unhealthy food after dinner except fruit and once a week junk.
But I don't think that was stringent enough, it needs to be more so. Last week I had Tim Tams and I binged on chips, which I didn't need. Now I have neither of those things in the house (just caramel slice *drool*) but unless I'm strong, I'll the be tempted and I will eat those things. I understand that this is a lifestyle change however, and unless I plan never to eat those things again, I can't completely cut them out, but at the same time, at this point in my weight loss journey (barely off the starting block), I feel like I would rather see some results before I start eating like that. Because otherwise, if I don't lose weight, I'll blame it on the caramel slice, when maybe it's actually I'm getting calories somewhere I don't know yet, or I need to exercise more. I need to get a good weight loss and fitness program started before I start tweaking it.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
reasons
I'm going to make a list of all the good and bad reasons that I am trying to lose weight and diet and exercise and all of that. So I can make a judgement on whether or not I am doing it for the right reasons.
1) you-know-who said this to me, I don't know, a month ago, and it's one of those comments he meant nicely, he even said that, but it stuck with me.
I mean, I know I shouldn't take that the wrong way, he was saying I have a good personality, I just... am average looking. Pfft, he should know all about blondes in the crowd.
Anyway I don't want to be just another blonde. I want to have a guy nudge his friend and look at me and say 'look at that girl.' I'm not ugly, my face is fine and I like my hair and I wear makeup. When it comes to looks, I don't have that much of a problem with my face. It's just my body. It's too big and I hate it. I hate that I don't measure up in the hotness scale cos I'm slightly overweight. I hate that I never almost feel good in what I'm wearing, I'm just aware of my stomach and my arms and my legs and I'm sick of that.
I know that my weight doesn't have any real bearing on my worth but... I would feel better about myself if I was who I wanted to be and I can control this. I can do something about it. I can be less insecure if my weight was one major thing I could get rid of on my 'things to hate about myself'. I would stop wondering if the reason I didn't make more friends is because of not being skinny. I would stop questioning whether that is what other people who I just meet are thinking, if their label for me is just 'fat girl'.
2) It would expand my clothing and wardrobe range if I could just walk into a store and buy the size 10. More things would look good without all the bulges or fat arms or not being able to wear short skirts because of my flabby legs. I could wear tank tops and shorts and not feel weird. I wouldn't have to wear cardigans over the top of sleeveless tops.
3)It really would increase my chances of getting boyfriends.
4) I really want to get fit. Like, honestly, since I hit 16 and gained this weight (I was always average before), I could run cross country, I had completed it before without having to walk at all. 20 push ups wouldn't phase me, I could do pull ups, and sit ups and had awesome upper body strength from all the gymnastics as a kid. I want to be able to do those things again, I take pride in being strong and able.
5) I'm enjoying the exercise. I feel good about myself for doing it and am becoming more comfortable with my body because I am determined that it will change. I mean, I don't feel out of control with my weight now, or helpless, I can and am doing something about it. I'm happy that I'm in week 2 now, it is the beginning of showing that this isn't just a quick fad, I am going to do this, all 10 weeks now, and then more. I will get to my comfortable weight, which is just above 60k I think (we'll see what I look like when I get there) [and I WILL get there] and then it will just be maintaining my healthy eating habits and exercise a few times a week. Once I can run 3k's without having to stop, I will be able to do that in 20 minutes. I could do it every morning if I wanted. And until then, I am doing what I am doing and proud of it.
6) This is a change I am making for me. Not for anyone but myself. Mum or Mia or anyone could tell me to lose weight until they're blue in the face but it wouldn't happen without my initiative. It will make me happy. I want who I am on the inside to match what I am on the outside and with the extra weight, I do not feel like that person.
7) I'm vain and want to be hot. Lol. I want collar bones and thigh gap and thin arms and I want to look good in a bikini. I want to enjoy shopping where looking in the mirror doesn't make me want to hate myself. I want to be able to take a full length photo and not hate it. And hate all of my body. From my stomach and the way it isn't flat and sticks out above my pubic bone, to my everything else.
8) Maybe the worst reason, but thankfully it's not anything as bad as "If I'm skinnier, maybe you-know-who will like me' because that isn't it. It's more... if I'm the same or thinner than Georgia, then I can say to myself, that wasn't why. I mean, I know it wasn't. He isn't like that and I know it wouldn't have mattered but... I still want to be there and prove that I'm just as good in that way. Obviously if there is anyone in the world I have an inferiority complex for, it's her. And also, after break ups or similar things, you are supposed to come back hotter and better and all around more fabulous, and make the person sorry they didn't want you. I want that.
I want him to tell me I look good. He already does/did, but this year, he will have reason to. Me too, I want to tell myself 'I look good.'
1) you-know-who said this to me, I don't know, a month ago, and it's one of those comments he meant nicely, he even said that, but it stuck with me.
- Him: N as nice as u r if ur clubbing wif mia guys will focus on her cause shes tall n good looking n stand out a bit whereas u are another blonde in a crowd.until someone starts talking to u
- Nawww.u need an ugly wing person
- Me: i know, i need you
- and so far i have never gone out with mia clubbing
- Him: That was meant to be a friend point not mean btw
- Im gorgeous
I mean, I know I shouldn't take that the wrong way, he was saying I have a good personality, I just... am average looking. Pfft, he should know all about blondes in the crowd.
Anyway I don't want to be just another blonde. I want to have a guy nudge his friend and look at me and say 'look at that girl.' I'm not ugly, my face is fine and I like my hair and I wear makeup. When it comes to looks, I don't have that much of a problem with my face. It's just my body. It's too big and I hate it. I hate that I don't measure up in the hotness scale cos I'm slightly overweight. I hate that I never almost feel good in what I'm wearing, I'm just aware of my stomach and my arms and my legs and I'm sick of that.
I know that my weight doesn't have any real bearing on my worth but... I would feel better about myself if I was who I wanted to be and I can control this. I can do something about it. I can be less insecure if my weight was one major thing I could get rid of on my 'things to hate about myself'. I would stop wondering if the reason I didn't make more friends is because of not being skinny. I would stop questioning whether that is what other people who I just meet are thinking, if their label for me is just 'fat girl'.
2) It would expand my clothing and wardrobe range if I could just walk into a store and buy the size 10. More things would look good without all the bulges or fat arms or not being able to wear short skirts because of my flabby legs. I could wear tank tops and shorts and not feel weird. I wouldn't have to wear cardigans over the top of sleeveless tops.
3)It really would increase my chances of getting boyfriends.
4) I really want to get fit. Like, honestly, since I hit 16 and gained this weight (I was always average before), I could run cross country, I had completed it before without having to walk at all. 20 push ups wouldn't phase me, I could do pull ups, and sit ups and had awesome upper body strength from all the gymnastics as a kid. I want to be able to do those things again, I take pride in being strong and able.
5) I'm enjoying the exercise. I feel good about myself for doing it and am becoming more comfortable with my body because I am determined that it will change. I mean, I don't feel out of control with my weight now, or helpless, I can and am doing something about it. I'm happy that I'm in week 2 now, it is the beginning of showing that this isn't just a quick fad, I am going to do this, all 10 weeks now, and then more. I will get to my comfortable weight, which is just above 60k I think (we'll see what I look like when I get there) [and I WILL get there] and then it will just be maintaining my healthy eating habits and exercise a few times a week. Once I can run 3k's without having to stop, I will be able to do that in 20 minutes. I could do it every morning if I wanted. And until then, I am doing what I am doing and proud of it.
6) This is a change I am making for me. Not for anyone but myself. Mum or Mia or anyone could tell me to lose weight until they're blue in the face but it wouldn't happen without my initiative. It will make me happy. I want who I am on the inside to match what I am on the outside and with the extra weight, I do not feel like that person.
7) I'm vain and want to be hot. Lol. I want collar bones and thigh gap and thin arms and I want to look good in a bikini. I want to enjoy shopping where looking in the mirror doesn't make me want to hate myself. I want to be able to take a full length photo and not hate it. And hate all of my body. From my stomach and the way it isn't flat and sticks out above my pubic bone, to my everything else.
8) Maybe the worst reason, but thankfully it's not anything as bad as "If I'm skinnier, maybe you-know-who will like me' because that isn't it. It's more... if I'm the same or thinner than Georgia, then I can say to myself, that wasn't why. I mean, I know it wasn't. He isn't like that and I know it wouldn't have mattered but... I still want to be there and prove that I'm just as good in that way. Obviously if there is anyone in the world I have an inferiority complex for, it's her. And also, after break ups or similar things, you are supposed to come back hotter and better and all around more fabulous, and make the person sorry they didn't want you. I want that.
I want him to tell me I look good. He already does/did, but this year, he will have reason to. Me too, I want to tell myself 'I look good.'
Food and weird dreams.
Having another good day. Maybe I'm thinking about this diet/exercise thing a bit too much, but right now I'm actually enjoying it. I'm enjoying having like, enough fruit salad to sink a battleship, that I should probably split into two snacks, like breakfast and morning tea, but I just love it so much I eat it all at once then wait for lunch. 150 calories of yummy. I have cereal too, that I've never tried before but that I'm eager to try. I have lots of options, and that is exciting. I'm not hating food at all, I love food and I'm eager to try new healthier options, things that I don't dislike. I'm not dreading meals, I'm really looking forward to them. And not just like before when I'd spend all day looking forward to afternoon tea, when I could get my chips. Now I'm happy I'm not being tempted with chips or much other chocolate, because I know how much exercise I have to do to burn it off.
I'm actually a little confused as to how many calories I should be taking in. My calorie counter says 2000 which is the rgular amount for a woman wanting to keep the same weight. So, to lose a kg a week, I basically have to minus 1000, but add calories to replace the ones I burn. What I eat - what I burn should be 1000. I think.
But yesterday I did a lot of walking, 2 and a half hours of it, plus my jog/walk. So I burned like 800 calories (apparently), I think it's just being nice. So overall, my net calories was only 500. I don't know if it should be that low but that's still 3 full meals and I wasn't going hungry so who knows. I'm not being unhealthy but idk.
I did my jog/walk today. It was really good. I ran the middle 50m of my walk half. So for each lap, I ran 200m and only walked 100! That is good. All up, I did 13 laps, 3900m. 2650m jogged, 1250m walked. (To tell you the truth, I still think it's actually less than 150m that I run but I can't really extend it, hose are my markers. And it makes me feel good to think it's that much, even if it isn't lol.)
Updating for the third time in three consecutive nights, I dreamt about him. WHAT THE FUCK. My subconscious has a lot to answer for. And it was the same sort of thing, not at all sexual but touchy-feely and some kind of intimacy. Like, I was freaked out over something and he was like, under his breath so only I could hear it 'calm down' and he touched my eyelids to close them and put his fingers at my temples and I skipped time and it all worked out.
I don't even. I'm not barely even talking to him these last few days so I don't know where this is coming from.
I'm actually a little confused as to how many calories I should be taking in. My calorie counter says 2000 which is the rgular amount for a woman wanting to keep the same weight. So, to lose a kg a week, I basically have to minus 1000, but add calories to replace the ones I burn. What I eat - what I burn should be 1000. I think.
But yesterday I did a lot of walking, 2 and a half hours of it, plus my jog/walk. So I burned like 800 calories (apparently), I think it's just being nice. So overall, my net calories was only 500. I don't know if it should be that low but that's still 3 full meals and I wasn't going hungry so who knows. I'm not being unhealthy but idk.
I did my jog/walk today. It was really good. I ran the middle 50m of my walk half. So for each lap, I ran 200m and only walked 100! That is good. All up, I did 13 laps, 3900m. 2650m jogged, 1250m walked. (To tell you the truth, I still think it's actually less than 150m that I run but I can't really extend it, hose are my markers. And it makes me feel good to think it's that much, even if it isn't lol.)
Updating for the third time in three consecutive nights, I dreamt about him. WHAT THE FUCK. My subconscious has a lot to answer for. And it was the same sort of thing, not at all sexual but touchy-feely and some kind of intimacy. Like, I was freaked out over something and he was like, under his breath so only I could hear it 'calm down' and he touched my eyelids to close them and put his fingers at my temples and I skipped time and it all worked out.
I don't even. I'm not barely even talking to him these last few days so I don't know where this is coming from.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Saturday
Today was very successful. I woke up 9:30-ish, after some of the most wack dreams ever (revolving around you-know-who which is stupid but can't help it, whatever.) I went downstairs, no one else was home, made raisin toast, had that, got dressed, then was like... well I've had enough of the internet for right now, let's go do something. So I did, I walked the dogs down to the beach. It's pretty far, maybe a k and a half? Mum doesn't really like me taking them that far, cos they have such little legs but I like the getting there, because you know, it's the beach.
But I overdid it a little because then I went walking on the beach etc, then around the park before we went home.... so they were very tired. But they sleep most of the time anyway so it was fun for them.
Then in the afternoon I went and did my run. I am calling it a run and I don't care that half of it is walking. I did twelve laps (not ten), and that was my new diagonal line, not straight, so it's a little longer.
I also have thought of a way to increase the running without it being double or nothing. Because I do find it intimidating at this point, to have to run 300m at once, maybe it's just mindset but it's hard still. So there are like, trees that I can use as markers that split it into three. I can run the middle third. Then eventually, I can run the outside thirds and only walk the middle third. Or I can just say for tomorrows run, the same amount of laps but every second lap, I have to do that extra 50m of running.
So todays was 3600m, 1950 jogged, 1650m walked. Tomorrow, with that added 50m, 6 times, 2250m jogged, 1350m walked. I'm happy with that for tomorrow. Or maybe do an extra 2 laps and do 14 but we'll see how I feel when I'm at 12.
I do enjoy the jogging- I mean, kind of. I hate right before I run, when I'm trying to psych myself up. But if my mindset is quite positive, and I'm not in pain from shin splits, I get into it a bit, and I have my own methods for trying to keep myself motivated. And afterwards, I don't know if it's endorphins or just 'I did exercise, I can feel good about myself' but I feel happy and good.
And walking I do enjoy, it's not hard really, and I feel some accomplishment from it and it gets me to and from places. I had to go down the shops to get stuff for dinner and i didn't even think to use the car, I just slipped on my thongs and walked. Its only 2 blocks lol.
Food wise, I had a really good day, it's the first day of my fitness week (I am now in WEEK 2 of my fitness goals), and it is also shopping day so the fridge is chock full of goodies. Which for me now means fruit, not chips :P So I had fruit salad for lunch (and arvo tea, cos I made quite a lot) and then mince, which I have never been allowed to have in the house before because it smells or something (mum doesn't like it) but since I'm now allowed onion, because I said I needed it for my salad, Mum said, well, why not.
So I made mince with onion and tomato and tomato paste and gravy (not that healthy, but not awful) and mashed potato. I put in too much butter, well, less that normal but now I'm calorie counting, I have to be even more aware, to just put in less. I know it's one of those things where I feel I can actually taste the different but not that much. I have mashed rather than chips or boiled (cos I only like those if I smother them in butter) and if it's not actually much healthier, there isn't much point, since it takes longer to cook.
But anyway, that was my day, it was good, very chill, feeling good. Ready for tomorrow. Bring it on!
But I overdid it a little because then I went walking on the beach etc, then around the park before we went home.... so they were very tired. But they sleep most of the time anyway so it was fun for them.
Then in the afternoon I went and did my run. I am calling it a run and I don't care that half of it is walking. I did twelve laps (not ten), and that was my new diagonal line, not straight, so it's a little longer.
I also have thought of a way to increase the running without it being double or nothing. Because I do find it intimidating at this point, to have to run 300m at once, maybe it's just mindset but it's hard still. So there are like, trees that I can use as markers that split it into three. I can run the middle third. Then eventually, I can run the outside thirds and only walk the middle third. Or I can just say for tomorrows run, the same amount of laps but every second lap, I have to do that extra 50m of running.
So todays was 3600m, 1950 jogged, 1650m walked. Tomorrow, with that added 50m, 6 times, 2250m jogged, 1350m walked. I'm happy with that for tomorrow. Or maybe do an extra 2 laps and do 14 but we'll see how I feel when I'm at 12.
I do enjoy the jogging- I mean, kind of. I hate right before I run, when I'm trying to psych myself up. But if my mindset is quite positive, and I'm not in pain from shin splits, I get into it a bit, and I have my own methods for trying to keep myself motivated. And afterwards, I don't know if it's endorphins or just 'I did exercise, I can feel good about myself' but I feel happy and good.
And walking I do enjoy, it's not hard really, and I feel some accomplishment from it and it gets me to and from places. I had to go down the shops to get stuff for dinner and i didn't even think to use the car, I just slipped on my thongs and walked. Its only 2 blocks lol.
Food wise, I had a really good day, it's the first day of my fitness week (I am now in WEEK 2 of my fitness goals), and it is also shopping day so the fridge is chock full of goodies. Which for me now means fruit, not chips :P So I had fruit salad for lunch (and arvo tea, cos I made quite a lot) and then mince, which I have never been allowed to have in the house before because it smells or something (mum doesn't like it) but since I'm now allowed onion, because I said I needed it for my salad, Mum said, well, why not.
So I made mince with onion and tomato and tomato paste and gravy (not that healthy, but not awful) and mashed potato. I put in too much butter, well, less that normal but now I'm calorie counting, I have to be even more aware, to just put in less. I know it's one of those things where I feel I can actually taste the different but not that much. I have mashed rather than chips or boiled (cos I only like those if I smother them in butter) and if it's not actually much healthier, there isn't much point, since it takes longer to cook.
But anyway, that was my day, it was good, very chill, feeling good. Ready for tomorrow. Bring it on!
Friday, 23 March 2012
bad day lol
Had an awful run today. Just did not work. I made my plan for what I was going to do today but I got half way through, and whether I was just tired and my blisters were hurting and my shins were painful as heck, or if I'd just overextended and that meant I was intimidated by all I'd planned to do (an extra 600m and most, if not all of it in jogging, not walking) that I just got halfway and thought, there is no way I can do all of that again, plus more and harder. So I stopped, sat down in the shade for 10 minutes and stretched, then walked 3 more laps (so i could say I still did something), then ran one more lap. So it was crap, but not a complete waste of time.
I'll walk to and from Fairy Meadow as well this evening so I'm not being a complete lazy ass, and I won't eat anymore until dinner. That's not unhealthy, I just had 1 and a half roast beef sandwiches, I'm full as.
Next week I will have to tone down my runs a little, especially until I can get new shoes and my blisters heal. I will still try to add to them, but not so much.
Also, since it was week one, I exaggerated a little. The swings to the fence might not actually be 150m. I don't, I don't have an iPhone so I can't get an app to measure for me. So I will run from now on diagonally, across the park so it's definitely 150.
Next week I will run 3 times. Maybe 4, but we'll see.
Saturday: 10 laps (extended, because of the diagonal), jog/walk. That is an easy day. I will take tomorrow easyy because I want to regain my confidence.
Sunday: 11 laps, run the whole last lap.
Monday: Walk the dogs down to the beach and back.
Wednesday: 12 laps, 11 21 12 12 12 12 11 21 12 12 12 11. That'll be hard but possible I think. I did that on Wednesday except not the extended lap.
Friday: BONUS DAY. Walk down Towradgi and use the park there, mix it up.
Note: I don't have to do every one of these days, my goal is only 4 times, twice walking the dogs. Only 3 runs is my minimum.
As for food lately... it's okay. Not perfect. Lots of bread. Some fruit. A few Tim Tams. Macaroni. Yogurt. But snacking has been good, as in, I haven't really been doing it apart from fruit, and my sandwiches are all mixed grain, not white, and only sometimes with butter.
I'm not saying I've eliminated all bad habits, I haven't, and I've been slack on my Fab Ab February, but I'm okay with what I've been doing, it's good. Even just running 4 times this week is really good.
I'll walk to and from Fairy Meadow as well this evening so I'm not being a complete lazy ass, and I won't eat anymore until dinner. That's not unhealthy, I just had 1 and a half roast beef sandwiches, I'm full as.
Next week I will have to tone down my runs a little, especially until I can get new shoes and my blisters heal. I will still try to add to them, but not so much.
Also, since it was week one, I exaggerated a little. The swings to the fence might not actually be 150m. I don't, I don't have an iPhone so I can't get an app to measure for me. So I will run from now on diagonally, across the park so it's definitely 150.
Next week I will run 3 times. Maybe 4, but we'll see.
Saturday: 10 laps (extended, because of the diagonal), jog/walk. That is an easy day. I will take tomorrow easyy because I want to regain my confidence.
Sunday: 11 laps, run the whole last lap.
Monday: Walk the dogs down to the beach and back.
Wednesday: 12 laps, 11 21 12 12 12 12 11 21 12 12 12 11. That'll be hard but possible I think. I did that on Wednesday except not the extended lap.
Friday: BONUS DAY. Walk down Towradgi and use the park there, mix it up.
Note: I don't have to do every one of these days, my goal is only 4 times, twice walking the dogs. Only 3 runs is my minimum.
As for food lately... it's okay. Not perfect. Lots of bread. Some fruit. A few Tim Tams. Macaroni. Yogurt. But snacking has been good, as in, I haven't really been doing it apart from fruit, and my sandwiches are all mixed grain, not white, and only sometimes with butter.
I'm not saying I've eliminated all bad habits, I haven't, and I've been slack on my Fab Ab February, but I'm okay with what I've been doing, it's good. Even just running 4 times this week is really good.
Healthy vs unhealthy
One of the things that always concerns me is how healthy I judge my relationship with you-know-who to be. I generally feel that if it hurts me, or could hurt me or is generally causing me angst and unhappiness and stress, rather than happiness, it's unhealthy. if it makes me feel bad about myself, it's unhealthy. If it keeps me in a bad place emotionally and romantically, it's unhealthy.
I don't know that, does it do these things?
I just want to describe my feelings for him right now.
My favourite part about Tuesdays and Thursdays when I'm at uni all day is the fact that'll I'll probably get to see him. For as long as I can remember, at least all last year, that's always how I've felt.... weird that the days we used to get to hang out just us are the same days.... and that our main weekly time to spend together is still Tuesday afternoons.
I mean, I don't look forward to it (not in that sense) but I embrace it as a positive of those days and I'm a little disappointed if we don't meet up. Even if it's because I don't text him and ask. If I get a text I always hope first that'll it'll be from him. I don't know why, he's just the most interesting relationship I have, everyone else is so predictable and he's not. I just like that. I can't describe it better than that, I don't know every inch of his mind, I don't always know what he'll say or do or believe and unlike everyone that just seems to stay the same and be the same and act the same, with him I don't know...and that's exciting.
When we're together, it's not hard to just be... comfortable, and there is this line between wanting to impress him and being myself and I think it's more than I want to be completely myself but also have him like me for that. And that is the way it is most of the time I think. Maybe that's why I like hanging around with him as well, he... knows me, in ways other people don't. He knows me because we've spent so many hours talking about nothing or playing truth or dare, but also because he knows me through when I'm honest, and when I'm speaking from the heart, and when I'm mad. I share with him the way i don't with other people and it's trust, because he doesn't belittle my problems, but he also doesn't give me substandard responses to them. Maybe he doesn't give me what I want most of the time, but sometimes it's better, because it's different and he doesn't accept excuses. He'll tell me what I think, not always just what he thinks I want to hear.
When we're together, it's not exactly harmonious, but it's never really hostile. Liam was wrong about that, hostile isn't the right word. Sometimes it's that I have something to prove, that I have to be dismissive of him, and he can be the same way back, but more implicitly he'll always tell me he wants me around. Like... on Tuesday we were arguing over something or other, with the rest of the group, and he was asking if we could go to a different building, cos he was supposed to be meeting someone and he wanted food or something and we were all just like, no, too far away, way inconvenient, but because after awhile, everyone but us has class, when they all left, he was like "Let's go.' and I was like 'why, no' but he's just like 'come on', even though I was like 'I don't want to go if you're meeting someone...' but he was like 'come with me' so I did. And he didn't meet anyone, when we got there he was just like 'yeah, we passed the guy I was supposed to meet, I spent too long with you guys' and then he got two subway cookies, offered me one, and we sat down and argued about gender politics for an hour.
I suppose... I still have a crush on him, somewhat. Like... god, embarrassing but I dreamt about him last night, and it was this almost blind world, and the whole story involving us was that the two of us would meet up in the darkness (just as friends) but like, sneak out at night to do so. And then one time, I almost kissed him. EDIT: Today (next day), I had a total of four dreams during the night, he was featured/ heavily involved in three. What the fuck. My subconscious has more of a crush on him than I do.
It's not like it was though... I say 'crush' but you can't go from love to 'crush'. I mean... a not very all-consuming type feeling, but one that is still comfortably love. Maybe just... love for who he is, just plutonic love, but then just a little bit more feelings than that tacked on.
Shrug, that's as honest as I can get, I can't describe it better.
I suppose it's just okay to be called 'healthy' in that I'm not doing anything about it, I don't particularly want to do anything about it. I know better than starting something with you-know-who again, and he knows the same. I'd say most likely I couldn't even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because of that. So it's a good thing I don't.
Overall, I don't think we're too badly off. He doesn't make me upset or sad really... and being with him does make me happy mostly. I'm not angsting, and he's a good motivation for me to do stuff, either to be a better person, to be a more interesting person, to be more... everything really. He makes me want to be better than I am now.
And whether that's the way I look, or the marks I get, or my ability to argue the things I believe in, he's a factor in my motivation for those things.
I don't know that, does it do these things?
I just want to describe my feelings for him right now.
My favourite part about Tuesdays and Thursdays when I'm at uni all day is the fact that'll I'll probably get to see him. For as long as I can remember, at least all last year, that's always how I've felt.... weird that the days we used to get to hang out just us are the same days.... and that our main weekly time to spend together is still Tuesday afternoons.
I mean, I don't look forward to it (not in that sense) but I embrace it as a positive of those days and I'm a little disappointed if we don't meet up. Even if it's because I don't text him and ask. If I get a text I always hope first that'll it'll be from him. I don't know why, he's just the most interesting relationship I have, everyone else is so predictable and he's not. I just like that. I can't describe it better than that, I don't know every inch of his mind, I don't always know what he'll say or do or believe and unlike everyone that just seems to stay the same and be the same and act the same, with him I don't know...and that's exciting.
When we're together, it's not hard to just be... comfortable, and there is this line between wanting to impress him and being myself and I think it's more than I want to be completely myself but also have him like me for that. And that is the way it is most of the time I think. Maybe that's why I like hanging around with him as well, he... knows me, in ways other people don't. He knows me because we've spent so many hours talking about nothing or playing truth or dare, but also because he knows me through when I'm honest, and when I'm speaking from the heart, and when I'm mad. I share with him the way i don't with other people and it's trust, because he doesn't belittle my problems, but he also doesn't give me substandard responses to them. Maybe he doesn't give me what I want most of the time, but sometimes it's better, because it's different and he doesn't accept excuses. He'll tell me what I think, not always just what he thinks I want to hear.
When we're together, it's not exactly harmonious, but it's never really hostile. Liam was wrong about that, hostile isn't the right word. Sometimes it's that I have something to prove, that I have to be dismissive of him, and he can be the same way back, but more implicitly he'll always tell me he wants me around. Like... on Tuesday we were arguing over something or other, with the rest of the group, and he was asking if we could go to a different building, cos he was supposed to be meeting someone and he wanted food or something and we were all just like, no, too far away, way inconvenient, but because after awhile, everyone but us has class, when they all left, he was like "Let's go.' and I was like 'why, no' but he's just like 'come on', even though I was like 'I don't want to go if you're meeting someone...' but he was like 'come with me' so I did. And he didn't meet anyone, when we got there he was just like 'yeah, we passed the guy I was supposed to meet, I spent too long with you guys' and then he got two subway cookies, offered me one, and we sat down and argued about gender politics for an hour.
I suppose... I still have a crush on him, somewhat. Like... god, embarrassing but I dreamt about him last night, and it was this almost blind world, and the whole story involving us was that the two of us would meet up in the darkness (just as friends) but like, sneak out at night to do so. And then one time, I almost kissed him. EDIT: Today (next day), I had a total of four dreams during the night, he was featured/ heavily involved in three. What the fuck. My subconscious has more of a crush on him than I do.
It's not like it was though... I say 'crush' but you can't go from love to 'crush'. I mean... a not very all-consuming type feeling, but one that is still comfortably love. Maybe just... love for who he is, just plutonic love, but then just a little bit more feelings than that tacked on.
Shrug, that's as honest as I can get, I can't describe it better.
I suppose it's just okay to be called 'healthy' in that I'm not doing anything about it, I don't particularly want to do anything about it. I know better than starting something with you-know-who again, and he knows the same. I'd say most likely I couldn't even if I wanted to, I couldn't, because of that. So it's a good thing I don't.
Overall, I don't think we're too badly off. He doesn't make me upset or sad really... and being with him does make me happy mostly. I'm not angsting, and he's a good motivation for me to do stuff, either to be a better person, to be a more interesting person, to be more... everything really. He makes me want to be better than I am now.
And whether that's the way I look, or the marks I get, or my ability to argue the things I believe in, he's a factor in my motivation for those things.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Jogging
You should just expect me to update this every day now, at least for the next 2-ish weeks, before he motivation dies off. Because I know that will happen, because it's just human nature and I can be as enthusiastic as I want this week (week one), but after awhile, that will wear off and I'll think 'urgh, fuck this.'
But I do have a very limited schedule so I have lots of time. I really can devote myself to this lifestyle change. I mean, maybe not to the extent that I am now- but at the same time, after this 10 weeks- which will hopefully turn into another 10 week plan, with new rules and goals and limits, a lot of it will be easier- I'll be able to run faster and further, I'll enjoy swimming, I'll have made a habit of eating healthy for breakfast and lunch and limiting my snacking. The easier running is, the more likely I am to keep doing it. Right now it's somewhat intimidating but at the same time, it's only 30 minutes. And I know that, I think 'okay Lucy, we're down here at the park. In half an hour you'll be done, and we'll only have the cool down walk home and that's easy.' And it is true. I spend the entire time trying to motivate and distract myself, with occasional 'maybe just doing 10 laps instead of 12 would be okay, it'd still be better than Monday because of the extra running...' but I head that off and just say 'I'll think about it when I get to it.' And when I get to it, I'm in my stride and just keep going. And I did fine. I finished it, around lap 10 I was actually like 'hey, maybe I can do more than 12!' but that part was not big enough because the next time I was running I was like 'lol no' I still added an extra 600m to my run.
Actually, I'll write down exactly what I do each time, not including the walk there and back (1.5-2k)
Week 1
Attempt 1 (Sunday) : 2100m, 1050m jogged, 1050m walked. (7 laps)
Attempt 2 (Monday): 3000m, 1650m jogged, 1350m walked. (10 laps)
Attempt 3 (Wednesday) : 3600m, 2250m jogged, 1350m walked. (12 laps)
Attempt 4 will be on Friday, let's aim for... 11 21 12 12 12 11 21 12 12 12 11 21 12 11
(1's are jogging, 2's are walking.)
So if I do it correctly, it will be 4200m, 2700m jogged, 1500m walked.
That's awesome :)
I don't know if I'm improving or just forcing myself to go longer but either way, I think it's good. I mean, I'm not killing myself, even if when I stop at the end I'm like... can I stumble over 10 metres into the shade or is it better to just drop here and die?
Maybe my goal for the end of week 2, where I have hopefully gone 4 times again, is to do 12 laps, with the run-run-walk pattern, 8 times. Because my main concern is that I can't jog very far without being like 'break now?' So I have 4 goes to build up to that. It's intimidating now but I think by this time next week I'll be ready.
I want to get back to the point where I can run 3k without needing to walk. Then eventually 5k. That's what the ultimate 10 week goal is, it's the goal of C25k. Which is couch to 5k. And though I'm not following that program, I'm making my own, it's basically similar.
Also today I walked down to the pool, and did 15 laps. While swimming isn't new to me, doing laps is and I'm pretty bad. But I love the water, so hopefully it'll be a good addition to running, doing 30 minutes or so of laps once or twice a week. I have recruited a friend into this scheme, since she is a good swimmer, but also could benefit from losing a bit of weight, so whether she's doing it for that, like I am, or just for fun and to hang out, it's still good because as I told her when I asked, it's a good time to catch up and I'm more likely to be motivated to go/ do more laps if she's there.
I have another swimmer friend who I will be able to swim with as well, but I'd rather wait until I don't suck before swimming with him. So... when I am doing 30 laps, at least. Maybe 50. Or is that really extreme? I don't know, I'm not good at knowing. I could have done 20 today, but my ankle/ lower calf kept cramping and I couldn't fix it so I just stopped after that. I don't know what I'll be capable of, that's exciting.
I'm just really committed that me right now- this is the before shot. I want to be able to see a difference in 10 weeks- two and a half months. By winter, I want to look different and feel different, and I know that if I follow the plan I will see these changes, in my fitness and in my weight.
My food today was mostly good, 2 boiled eggs and buttered toast for breakfast, 1 and a half salmon sandwiches for lunch. And *mumblemumble* there was some consummation of some salt and vinegar chips, not many but... Honestly, they're my Achilles Heel, I need them out of the house. I'll tell Mum not to buy any more next week.
I will also be adding cereal next week, so that can be breakfast food sometimes, and maybe snacks. I'll get Special K I think. That's good for you.
Okay, that's everything :) Everything is calm and normal on the Austin front, and friends and family stuff is all cool too.
But I do have a very limited schedule so I have lots of time. I really can devote myself to this lifestyle change. I mean, maybe not to the extent that I am now- but at the same time, after this 10 weeks- which will hopefully turn into another 10 week plan, with new rules and goals and limits, a lot of it will be easier- I'll be able to run faster and further, I'll enjoy swimming, I'll have made a habit of eating healthy for breakfast and lunch and limiting my snacking. The easier running is, the more likely I am to keep doing it. Right now it's somewhat intimidating but at the same time, it's only 30 minutes. And I know that, I think 'okay Lucy, we're down here at the park. In half an hour you'll be done, and we'll only have the cool down walk home and that's easy.' And it is true. I spend the entire time trying to motivate and distract myself, with occasional 'maybe just doing 10 laps instead of 12 would be okay, it'd still be better than Monday because of the extra running...' but I head that off and just say 'I'll think about it when I get to it.' And when I get to it, I'm in my stride and just keep going. And I did fine. I finished it, around lap 10 I was actually like 'hey, maybe I can do more than 12!' but that part was not big enough because the next time I was running I was like 'lol no' I still added an extra 600m to my run.
Actually, I'll write down exactly what I do each time, not including the walk there and back (1.5-2k)
Week 1
Attempt 1 (Sunday) : 2100m, 1050m jogged, 1050m walked. (7 laps)
Attempt 2 (Monday): 3000m, 1650m jogged, 1350m walked. (10 laps)
Attempt 3 (Wednesday) : 3600m, 2250m jogged, 1350m walked. (12 laps)
Attempt 4 will be on Friday, let's aim for... 11 21 12 12 12 11 21 12 12 12 11 21 12 11
(1's are jogging, 2's are walking.)
So if I do it correctly, it will be 4200m, 2700m jogged, 1500m walked.
That's awesome :)
I don't know if I'm improving or just forcing myself to go longer but either way, I think it's good. I mean, I'm not killing myself, even if when I stop at the end I'm like... can I stumble over 10 metres into the shade or is it better to just drop here and die?
Maybe my goal for the end of week 2, where I have hopefully gone 4 times again, is to do 12 laps, with the run-run-walk pattern, 8 times. Because my main concern is that I can't jog very far without being like 'break now?' So I have 4 goes to build up to that. It's intimidating now but I think by this time next week I'll be ready.
I want to get back to the point where I can run 3k without needing to walk. Then eventually 5k. That's what the ultimate 10 week goal is, it's the goal of C25k. Which is couch to 5k. And though I'm not following that program, I'm making my own, it's basically similar.
Also today I walked down to the pool, and did 15 laps. While swimming isn't new to me, doing laps is and I'm pretty bad. But I love the water, so hopefully it'll be a good addition to running, doing 30 minutes or so of laps once or twice a week. I have recruited a friend into this scheme, since she is a good swimmer, but also could benefit from losing a bit of weight, so whether she's doing it for that, like I am, or just for fun and to hang out, it's still good because as I told her when I asked, it's a good time to catch up and I'm more likely to be motivated to go/ do more laps if she's there.
I have another swimmer friend who I will be able to swim with as well, but I'd rather wait until I don't suck before swimming with him. So... when I am doing 30 laps, at least. Maybe 50. Or is that really extreme? I don't know, I'm not good at knowing. I could have done 20 today, but my ankle/ lower calf kept cramping and I couldn't fix it so I just stopped after that. I don't know what I'll be capable of, that's exciting.
I'm just really committed that me right now- this is the before shot. I want to be able to see a difference in 10 weeks- two and a half months. By winter, I want to look different and feel different, and I know that if I follow the plan I will see these changes, in my fitness and in my weight.
My food today was mostly good, 2 boiled eggs and buttered toast for breakfast, 1 and a half salmon sandwiches for lunch. And *mumblemumble* there was some consummation of some salt and vinegar chips, not many but... Honestly, they're my Achilles Heel, I need them out of the house. I'll tell Mum not to buy any more next week.
I will also be adding cereal next week, so that can be breakfast food sometimes, and maybe snacks. I'll get Special K I think. That's good for you.
Okay, that's everything :) Everything is calm and normal on the Austin front, and friends and family stuff is all cool too.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
hungry lol
I want noms.
But it's half past 6 so I'm waiting for dinner. I've been told I should record everything I eat, because otherwise I'll lie to myself and be like 'I didn't have anything unhealthy today at all' when I probs did.
Okay, yesterday I had fruit salad and low fat yogurt for breakfast. 1 and a half salmon sandwiches for lunch, fruit salad for afternoon tea and roast lamb and potatoes for tea, with pumpkin and corn. That's all okay, roast dinner isn't that healthy but I don't have it that often and I couldn't help it. I didn't eat as much as normal. Oh and salt and vinegar chips before bed. I knew I'd regret it afterwards but I couldn't stop. Sigh. Won't do it again. I mean, my rule is one unhealthy thing a day and I guess that was it, but I would have preferred to count the roast dinner as that. Oh well, no point fussing, it's done. I was stressed and needed comforting after heaps of homework and being super tired.
Today I had raisin toast for breaky, 2 slices, 1 and a half lamb sandwiches for lunch, a bag of grapes, 4 passionfruit and a quarter of my tub of yogurt for afternoon tea. All those things separately, I snack a lot...
something. Something that isn't fruit.
Still, the rest of my night is going to be dinner, steak and mash with tomato, cucumber and onion salad, and then an apple before bed. It's not completely thrilling.
I didn't do any exercise today... in my defense, I leave for uni at 8, get home at 5. And yesterday I did my 4k, almost 2 k periodically running, plus an extra 2k walking to Fairy Meadow and back.
I'll do the 4-ish k again tomorrow and try to increase it to 2k running. Let me see, what do I need to do for that.
I walk to the park, about.... 500m. I run the last 100m. Then if I run to the fence and back, then walk to the fence, then do the same again, that's 600m running, 300 walking. Then the next 3 goes are just jog/walk alternate, so up to 1050m running, 750walking, then another two run/run/walk, 1650 running, 1050 walking. 2 more run/walk, 1950 running, 1350 walking, then finally, one run/run. 2250 running, 1350 walking.
That works, if I can do it... I think I can.
After that I just go another 1k or 1.5k walking, so I'll be about 5ks all up. Good, yes? And then I will die :P
Nah, the walking there/ back is like warm up/ cool down. I'll only die after lap 10. Which is actually lap 12. Fuck.
Dead.
Okay, this occupied me til dinner. Time to do make salad.
But it's half past 6 so I'm waiting for dinner. I've been told I should record everything I eat, because otherwise I'll lie to myself and be like 'I didn't have anything unhealthy today at all' when I probs did.
Okay, yesterday I had fruit salad and low fat yogurt for breakfast. 1 and a half salmon sandwiches for lunch, fruit salad for afternoon tea and roast lamb and potatoes for tea, with pumpkin and corn. That's all okay, roast dinner isn't that healthy but I don't have it that often and I couldn't help it. I didn't eat as much as normal. Oh and salt and vinegar chips before bed. I knew I'd regret it afterwards but I couldn't stop. Sigh. Won't do it again. I mean, my rule is one unhealthy thing a day and I guess that was it, but I would have preferred to count the roast dinner as that. Oh well, no point fussing, it's done. I was stressed and needed comforting after heaps of homework and being super tired.
Today I had raisin toast for breaky, 2 slices, 1 and a half lamb sandwiches for lunch, a bag of grapes, 4 passionfruit and a quarter of my tub of yogurt for afternoon tea. All those things separately, I snack a lot...
something. Something that isn't fruit.
Still, the rest of my night is going to be dinner, steak and mash with tomato, cucumber and onion salad, and then an apple before bed. It's not completely thrilling.
I didn't do any exercise today... in my defense, I leave for uni at 8, get home at 5. And yesterday I did my 4k, almost 2 k periodically running, plus an extra 2k walking to Fairy Meadow and back.
I'll do the 4-ish k again tomorrow and try to increase it to 2k running. Let me see, what do I need to do for that.
I walk to the park, about.... 500m. I run the last 100m. Then if I run to the fence and back, then walk to the fence, then do the same again, that's 600m running, 300 walking. Then the next 3 goes are just jog/walk alternate, so up to 1050m running, 750walking, then another two run/run/walk, 1650 running, 1050 walking. 2 more run/walk, 1950 running, 1350 walking, then finally, one run/run. 2250 running, 1350 walking.
That works, if I can do it... I think I can.
After that I just go another 1k or 1.5k walking, so I'll be about 5ks all up. Good, yes? And then I will die :P
Nah, the walking there/ back is like warm up/ cool down. I'll only die after lap 10. Which is actually lap 12. Fuck.
Dead.
Okay, this occupied me til dinner. Time to do make salad.
Monday, 19 March 2012
Quick update.
Okay, it's Monday, I'm sticking to my plan so far.
I had fruit salad for breakfast, with strawberry yogurt. Idk if it's low fat or not, possibly...( yes it is, 98% fat free) But I mean, it's yummy, I had passionfruit, kiwi fruit, strawberries, grapes and apple. That is the only thing that's positive about my fridge, there is always lots of fruit. I made too much really, if I go by the size of a portion should be about the size of my fist. So I was really full, and put the last third back in the fridge. That'll be my afternoon tea. My lunch was one and a half salmon sandwiches on multigrain bread. Again, really full. Maybe it's just because I'm thinking about it and thinking 'so I need to keep eating or am I full?', rather than overeating because I like it, which is one of my major problems.
I did my Fab Ab Febuary, it's only been like, 3 days, but I'm kinda cheating at just doing about Day 10, cos it's faster. I mean, I'm still increasing it each day, just I increased a bit faster. But it's getting harder now. I do 35 sit ups, 11 pushups, and 35 second plank. By the end, I have to do 100 sit ups, 25 push ups, and 2 min plank. That's actually intimidating, but I'm so fail right now.
When I was younger, I'd do 20/30 pushups or more in a minute and it wouldn't phase me. And that's nose to the carpet, back straight, etc. I was a tank. Now I do 10 and don't go right completely down and it's tough. My upper body strength isn't at all what is was, but I'll get it back, now that I have a plan and I'm on my way.
I'll be walking wayyy more, and my fitness will improve and I'll lose weight by eating healthy- that'll take out the extra calories without starvation.
I mean, I'm hoping.
I don't actually have scales, so I'll have to just look via observation and my jeans. Although since I'm supposed to do it my waist measurement, I could just buy a measuring tape. We'll see.
I had fruit salad for breakfast, with strawberry yogurt. Idk if it's low fat or not, possibly...( yes it is, 98% fat free) But I mean, it's yummy, I had passionfruit, kiwi fruit, strawberries, grapes and apple. That is the only thing that's positive about my fridge, there is always lots of fruit. I made too much really, if I go by the size of a portion should be about the size of my fist. So I was really full, and put the last third back in the fridge. That'll be my afternoon tea. My lunch was one and a half salmon sandwiches on multigrain bread. Again, really full. Maybe it's just because I'm thinking about it and thinking 'so I need to keep eating or am I full?', rather than overeating because I like it, which is one of my major problems.
I did my Fab Ab Febuary, it's only been like, 3 days, but I'm kinda cheating at just doing about Day 10, cos it's faster. I mean, I'm still increasing it each day, just I increased a bit faster. But it's getting harder now. I do 35 sit ups, 11 pushups, and 35 second plank. By the end, I have to do 100 sit ups, 25 push ups, and 2 min plank. That's actually intimidating, but I'm so fail right now.
When I was younger, I'd do 20/30 pushups or more in a minute and it wouldn't phase me. And that's nose to the carpet, back straight, etc. I was a tank. Now I do 10 and don't go right completely down and it's tough. My upper body strength isn't at all what is was, but I'll get it back, now that I have a plan and I'm on my way.
I'll be walking wayyy more, and my fitness will improve and I'll lose weight by eating healthy- that'll take out the extra calories without starvation.
I mean, I'm hoping.
I don't actually have scales, so I'll have to just look via observation and my jeans. Although since I'm supposed to do it my waist measurement, I could just buy a measuring tape. We'll see.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Plans.
Okay, my blog is gonna change topics a bit now.
It already has sort of... I broke up the constant entries about Austin with entries on sexism and feminism. Now... what I need to record, as well as those things, is.... I really really want this diet/ slight lifestyle change to work out.
And, if I'm being careful to record, then I'm more likely to hold myself to it. If I think someone could be watching, or keeping track too, then I will put more effort into not going to find the salt and vinegar chips, even though I really really want them. But I always want them. Same with the block of chocolate in the fridge. I need to say no.
Like, right now, I just had a bowl of fruit, strawberries, passionfruit, apple and grapes. It might be full of sugar but I don't give a fuck about that, when the choice is that or chips. I'm doing well.
But the point is, I'm not hungry. I had a sandwich at half past one-ish, and then fruit half an hour ago, I'm not hungry. But I want to eat anyway. Sigh. I think my biggest problem is that I overeat, because I like to eat.
I don't get full so I just keep eating.
So I will try some tips, eating with my knife and fork the wrong way round, so I have to think momentarily before I take a mouthful and will eat slower and also, eat off smaller plates, because apparently it's a good way to trick your brain into thinking you've eat more.
I don't want to be obsessed with this- I don't want to be a crazy focused dieter, I just want to learn how to eat more healthy meals so I can get slimmer, but also healthier, which I will supplement with exercise.
I think that'll work.
Here are my rules.
No biscuits-period. I don't like them that much but if the cupboard is empty of anything better, I'll grab the box of Shapes or a few cream biscuits or a Tim Tam or two. That has got to stop. It's not worth it.
One unhealthy snack a day. That means I can have a small serving of salty chips, or a Milo, or some chocolate, without going overboard. I can't follow a no-snacks, or no junk food rule. Firstly, because those types of diets don't work, unless you plan to do that indefinitely, the weight will just come back once you stop the diet. I need to learn moderation.
I don't know what to do about dinner. Mum cooks steak and chips most of the time, those kinds of meals. Or I have mac n cheese, from a packet. Or microwave lasagne. Mum doesn't know anything else and I'm not smash hot either. I'm the best eater in my family in that I'll eat new foods and different foods, but still, it's not really enough. I make salad though, that's my new rule, salad every night, not just whenever I can be bothered or feel like it, because otherwise I have meals of just macaroni by itself on the plate, and then I'm back an hour later, looking for the choc.
No hot chocolate when I'm out. At uni or after work- no. Not only does it cost $4.50 but it's got cream and marshmallows and it's fucking heavenly but it's so unhealthy and it's something that I just have to stop.
Also, brush my teeth twice a day. This is something people I know would find gross but I really... don't brush my teeth. If I want my teeth to get whiter and improve my smile, I need to get into the habit. So, I have a check sheet, and twice a day, I have to check it. Because this isn't just about weight, it's about overall lifestyle. I cleaned my room 2 days ago, when I started this, and since then, I've kept it neat and hung my clothes and put my clothes in the basket and made my bed and unpacked the dishwasher and put away the butter after making a sandwich...etc. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and just improve general hygiene and cleanliness.
Walking the dogs- another lifestyle improvement hopefully, I have it on my check sheet twice a week, then twice a week half an hour of jogging as well. This is a work in progress because although I used to be good at cross country or whatever, now I've put on some weight, I have bad stamina. So it'll be jog/walking but I'll improve.
Like, I walked the dogs today and at the park, I ran from the swings to the fence on the other side of the park, around/ over 150m. I figured, if I could do that a bunch of times, run to the fence, walk back the the swings, repeat, I could keep my heart rate up (ish) by not stopping, but not kill myself, until I get fitter. So I did that 7 times, which is I guess over a k of running and a k of walking. Plus another k or two of the rest of the walk I did with the dogs. So... tomorrow I'll go again and do it 10 times. And after a few times of that, maybe I can run to the fence and back, then walk only to the fence? So run:walk at a ratio of 2:1? I know cardio is the way to drop weight so I know I need to do things so keep up my heart rate. Plus walking the dogs and letting them run with me is fun for them (though they did get tired after 7, they have very little legs).
Also, on my check list is Fab Ab February. I know it's not February, but I don't care, I missed it and it's the middle of March. So I'm just starting 16th of March is 1st of Feb and doing it each day. That's for abs. Then on the first of April, I'll start Mad Abs March. There will be crossover, but that's okay, it only takes about 2 minutes so far (each day gets longer, as you have to do more). And they have different things on them. Febuary has sit ups, push ups and plank, March is crunches, side plank and push ups.
I've also got a work out Monday to Friday list... I can't do all of it, because some of it is weights but some of it sounds good and it'll give me a few ideas of ways to just get a quick <20 minute workout, in the morning before I shower or before bed. Just enough to get my heart rate up momentarily, and remind me to exercise.
I want this to work out.
I hate being overweight. Even if it's just a little bit. My BMI puts me just over healthy range- I'm in overweight. It's a scary thought.
So I want to fix it and keep it fixed but I can't do Atkins diet or anything promising fast results, from eating only protein or no carbs or any of that, I don't have the resources to just eat those foods or the skill to make meals out of it or the will to keep it going.
But a good exercise program, just a few hours a week more than I do now, and improving my diet, I can do this, and lose a kilo a week, or maybe a bit less but I can do it.
It already has sort of... I broke up the constant entries about Austin with entries on sexism and feminism. Now... what I need to record, as well as those things, is.... I really really want this diet/ slight lifestyle change to work out.
And, if I'm being careful to record, then I'm more likely to hold myself to it. If I think someone could be watching, or keeping track too, then I will put more effort into not going to find the salt and vinegar chips, even though I really really want them. But I always want them. Same with the block of chocolate in the fridge. I need to say no.
Like, right now, I just had a bowl of fruit, strawberries, passionfruit, apple and grapes. It might be full of sugar but I don't give a fuck about that, when the choice is that or chips. I'm doing well.
But the point is, I'm not hungry. I had a sandwich at half past one-ish, and then fruit half an hour ago, I'm not hungry. But I want to eat anyway. Sigh. I think my biggest problem is that I overeat, because I like to eat.
I don't get full so I just keep eating.
So I will try some tips, eating with my knife and fork the wrong way round, so I have to think momentarily before I take a mouthful and will eat slower and also, eat off smaller plates, because apparently it's a good way to trick your brain into thinking you've eat more.
I don't want to be obsessed with this- I don't want to be a crazy focused dieter, I just want to learn how to eat more healthy meals so I can get slimmer, but also healthier, which I will supplement with exercise.
I think that'll work.
Here are my rules.
No biscuits-period. I don't like them that much but if the cupboard is empty of anything better, I'll grab the box of Shapes or a few cream biscuits or a Tim Tam or two. That has got to stop. It's not worth it.
One unhealthy snack a day. That means I can have a small serving of salty chips, or a Milo, or some chocolate, without going overboard. I can't follow a no-snacks, or no junk food rule. Firstly, because those types of diets don't work, unless you plan to do that indefinitely, the weight will just come back once you stop the diet. I need to learn moderation.
I don't know what to do about dinner. Mum cooks steak and chips most of the time, those kinds of meals. Or I have mac n cheese, from a packet. Or microwave lasagne. Mum doesn't know anything else and I'm not smash hot either. I'm the best eater in my family in that I'll eat new foods and different foods, but still, it's not really enough. I make salad though, that's my new rule, salad every night, not just whenever I can be bothered or feel like it, because otherwise I have meals of just macaroni by itself on the plate, and then I'm back an hour later, looking for the choc.
No hot chocolate when I'm out. At uni or after work- no. Not only does it cost $4.50 but it's got cream and marshmallows and it's fucking heavenly but it's so unhealthy and it's something that I just have to stop.
Also, brush my teeth twice a day. This is something people I know would find gross but I really... don't brush my teeth. If I want my teeth to get whiter and improve my smile, I need to get into the habit. So, I have a check sheet, and twice a day, I have to check it. Because this isn't just about weight, it's about overall lifestyle. I cleaned my room 2 days ago, when I started this, and since then, I've kept it neat and hung my clothes and put my clothes in the basket and made my bed and unpacked the dishwasher and put away the butter after making a sandwich...etc. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and just improve general hygiene and cleanliness.
Walking the dogs- another lifestyle improvement hopefully, I have it on my check sheet twice a week, then twice a week half an hour of jogging as well. This is a work in progress because although I used to be good at cross country or whatever, now I've put on some weight, I have bad stamina. So it'll be jog/walking but I'll improve.
Like, I walked the dogs today and at the park, I ran from the swings to the fence on the other side of the park, around/ over 150m. I figured, if I could do that a bunch of times, run to the fence, walk back the the swings, repeat, I could keep my heart rate up (ish) by not stopping, but not kill myself, until I get fitter. So I did that 7 times, which is I guess over a k of running and a k of walking. Plus another k or two of the rest of the walk I did with the dogs. So... tomorrow I'll go again and do it 10 times. And after a few times of that, maybe I can run to the fence and back, then walk only to the fence? So run:walk at a ratio of 2:1? I know cardio is the way to drop weight so I know I need to do things so keep up my heart rate. Plus walking the dogs and letting them run with me is fun for them (though they did get tired after 7, they have very little legs).
Also, on my check list is Fab Ab February. I know it's not February, but I don't care, I missed it and it's the middle of March. So I'm just starting 16th of March is 1st of Feb and doing it each day. That's for abs. Then on the first of April, I'll start Mad Abs March. There will be crossover, but that's okay, it only takes about 2 minutes so far (each day gets longer, as you have to do more). And they have different things on them. Febuary has sit ups, push ups and plank, March is crunches, side plank and push ups.
I want this to work out.
I hate being overweight. Even if it's just a little bit. My BMI puts me just over healthy range- I'm in overweight. It's a scary thought.
So I want to fix it and keep it fixed but I can't do Atkins diet or anything promising fast results, from eating only protein or no carbs or any of that, I don't have the resources to just eat those foods or the skill to make meals out of it or the will to keep it going.
But a good exercise program, just a few hours a week more than I do now, and improving my diet, I can do this, and lose a kilo a week, or maybe a bit less but I can do it.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Resolutions
Mum told me I have to lose weight. She actually called me overweight and that scared me, I just kind of thought of myself as a bit bigger than average and not skinny.
But she's right, and whenever she starts going on about 'it'll feel so much better' and 'I just want you to be the best you you can be', I agree with her.
Do you know how many people I stare at during the day? How many girls I size up and envy and wish I had her arms or her legs or her ass or that I could wear a dress like that, or whether if I was skinnier that guy would have talked to me or wondering what that girl is thinking when she looks at me and... etc etc etc. All the time. I'm trying not to, I am, but I agree with mum, I want to be skinnier, and get the best out of uni and feel confident and not hate myself every morning when I get dressed.
I want to be a size 10, not a 12 and occasional 14. I want to lose 10 kg at least. 10 in 10 weeks, that's my goal. 10, 10, 10.
I'll pretend it's like when I cut out chocolate before formal and got up and went walking at 6am every morning. I will put in the effort and the restraint. I will do sit ups and push ups and get my abs in shape, I will lose fat from cardio. I will jog/run twice a week, plus netball. I will walk the dogs twice a week. I will walk home from the bus stop, and not catch another bus for just 4 stops.
I will stop drinking hot chocolate. I will have salad every night goddamn it. I will not eat anything unhealthy after dinner except 1 a week, and only if I'm out, at a friends or out for dinner etc.
I can do this.
I will be hot this winter. I will.
PS and if this can improve chances of finding boys, and getting over you-know-who, what's the harm? If it gets me fitter, healthier, and improves my confidence, since he hurt it?
I'm getting at the age where if I kiss a guy, I might also touch a guy and a guy might touch me. I don't want those experiences ruined because of my body issues.
PPS when I say you-know-who hurt my confidence, I'm not sure how much truth is in that. He also made me feel incredibly beautiful and wanted at times too and those times count for a lot.
But she's right, and whenever she starts going on about 'it'll feel so much better' and 'I just want you to be the best you you can be', I agree with her.
Do you know how many people I stare at during the day? How many girls I size up and envy and wish I had her arms or her legs or her ass or that I could wear a dress like that, or whether if I was skinnier that guy would have talked to me or wondering what that girl is thinking when she looks at me and... etc etc etc. All the time. I'm trying not to, I am, but I agree with mum, I want to be skinnier, and get the best out of uni and feel confident and not hate myself every morning when I get dressed.
I want to be a size 10, not a 12 and occasional 14. I want to lose 10 kg at least. 10 in 10 weeks, that's my goal. 10, 10, 10.
I'll pretend it's like when I cut out chocolate before formal and got up and went walking at 6am every morning. I will put in the effort and the restraint. I will do sit ups and push ups and get my abs in shape, I will lose fat from cardio. I will jog/run twice a week, plus netball. I will walk the dogs twice a week. I will walk home from the bus stop, and not catch another bus for just 4 stops.
I will stop drinking hot chocolate. I will have salad every night goddamn it. I will not eat anything unhealthy after dinner except 1 a week, and only if I'm out, at a friends or out for dinner etc.
I can do this.
I will be hot this winter. I will.
PS and if this can improve chances of finding boys, and getting over you-know-who, what's the harm? If it gets me fitter, healthier, and improves my confidence, since he hurt it?
I'm getting at the age where if I kiss a guy, I might also touch a guy and a guy might touch me. I don't want those experiences ruined because of my body issues.
PPS when I say you-know-who hurt my confidence, I'm not sure how much truth is in that. He also made me feel incredibly beautiful and wanted at times too and those times count for a lot.
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