Lol it's been a while

It's funny, there is this quote that has stuck with me for years - "If you date a writer and they don't write about you, they don't love you." I agreed with it when I first heard it, because it fit with my experience. After all, most of this blog was a product of an endless flow of words to and about someone I loved. It had been a very natural outlet that I assumed that was just a result of love. If I loved someone, they would fill my stories and my posts as long as I loved them. For a time when I started dating Orion, I was worried that I must not love him like I should, because I hardly ever felt the need to write anything, not blog posts, not stories, not letters.

I stopped worrying about that awhile ago though. I think writing is how people deal with sadness and regret and helplessness. I always wrote so much because I wanted to imagine a world that was different, where I could say all the things I hadn't said in real life. Where I could imagine how things could change in the future if only events lined up just so. It was a way to re-analyse - why did he say that, what did he mean? What was going on for him that I didn't see the first time? Why did I say that when I could have done this instead?

I also just don't underestimate the novelty of that whole time of my life. It seems bizarre looking back on it. I don't feel the need to play down how intensely I felt about everything. It genuinely felt like the most important thing that had ever happened to me. Honestly, that was probably because it was. I was a baby basically. But how far have I come? For good or bad, so much more of life has happened. This blog was part of that initial development, stepping out into my own self in a way. I can't imagine ever replicating writing new posts every day or two about some new opinion I was forming. Honestly, I can't imagine having that much free time.

But as intensely as I felt at eighteen, honestly it's got nothing on how I feel now. A few nights ago I had the Psych Ball, with all my cohort and supervisors and teachers and it was such an amazing night. Orion and I had had pre drinks with his Mum, and then we had some great D&M's, I got to introduce him to my supervisors and we danced so much. One of the girls in the Professional Masters program who I have class with said to me "So this is the one you draw all those hearts about?" and while it's kinda lame and Orion was like 'you are literally a schoolgirl', I like that it is so apparent that I love Orion with my whole heart. A new Taylor Swift song came out yesterday and there is a lyric "I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me," and I know it isn't a feminist action to want things like that, but honestly it's relatable.

One of my favourite finds in terms of feminist thoughts this year was the idea of 'feminist actions' as opposed to 'acts committed by feminists'. A women can call herself a feminist but that doesn't mean that all of her actions are 'feminist' or that they are guided by feminism and that that is okay. Not every act in one's life needs to be guided by their politics. I think that is a healthier stance than believing that an action is automatically feminist by virtue of it being done by someone who considers themselves to be feminist. Things like taking your husband's name don't further the feminist cause or work to in any way dismantle patriarchal structures that oppress women, therefore they aren't feminist actions. But that is okay, people can make that choice. Obviously there are a lot of actions that have value that play into societal narratives that are already ingrained, such as being a stay at home mother, or getting married, but those things aren't at all bad, in fact they have tremendous value. But they benefit only the individual, not the cause, therefore not feminist.

Oops, went a little off topic. Not that I really have a point, except updating and exploring this idea of the need to write.

Mia and I discussed this last week, and she was on the same page as me. She also has a diary and while equally to me, she is in the middle of the most transformational year of her life in Masters, neither of us are writing much in our respective diaries. Things just feel so settled. All of the girls in our friendship group have partners now, which is a new adjustment. Viv has a girlfriend and Chels has a boyfriend. Obviously I still have single friends but in terms of the core girl gang, we are all partnered. Even Sarah and Brendan are back together. It does change the dynamic, in ways that are somewhat annoying. We have less drama in general, but also hang out a little less (also because all of us are in post grad at either Masters or PhD level) because partners definitely take up a lot of time and take a lot of pressure off needing girlfriends.

I'd like to instigate most Feminist Film Fridays or more breakfasts with friends, or group lunches. It's just so hard being so busy. Mia and I did lunch Fridays all during term because her schedule was Mon-Wed in Sydney then Thursday working as a tutor while I was in class all day, then Friday's we'd do work together and get lunch. But I saw less of Viv and Chels which is a bummer. I'm sure things would have been so different if I had moved in with Viv and Ryan this year but I don't regret my choice. I saved so much money, so much that I'm going to Mexico for Worlds in December, I had South Africa with Orion in two weeks, and we just bought a Mercedes together (dw it's old). Plus it means we've been living together for almost a year, which is kind of wow. And we talk about the future and love each other and it's all so good really. How did life get this good?

We've only had one fight so far and it was over me watching The Good Place without him so I feel pretty okay about where we are at. Hopefully my time in Mexico will be good for me because I'll have to live without him for two weeks and detox a little because currently I miss him when he goes to work for 6 hours :P I am honestly the least chill girlfriend. But I hope he knows it's just because I love him so much and I think the best thing to do is express it. He's a lil more low key, which is okay too.

Anyway, that's pretty much all I have going on. Masters is going well. I'm doing placement at Westmead Children's Hospital in the cancer ward next year. My research is going well, also ironically in cancer. My clients are all going well. I'm developing as a clinician. As a debater, things are going well (obvi I'm going to Worlds).  I graduated from undergrad finally (won't have to do that again until April 2019 for Masters).

Honestly, this post is mostly occurring because I'm supposed to be studying for Neuropsych and ew. Okay I'm out xoxo

In the biggest plot twist/dream come true since I got into Clinical Masters, I made the UOW1 team for Australs.

Sometimes when I'm not in a woe-is-me-life-is-so-hard, I marvel at how lucky I am and wonder how it is that I deserve the good things that happen to me. Honestly, like I try hard and do a reasonable amount of work so I don't feel I'm handed things inexplicably, but I also feel that often, life is far, far kinder to me that any one person deserves.

Genuinely, life now that I'm thinking about it, is actually going phenomenally well. I'm busy all the time and fall asleep sometimes in class, but I'm in the course I've been working towards since I was 18, and it's everything I hoped it would be. I'm seeing clients now and feeling happy and confident in my ability as a psychologist. I debate most weekends and am improving, which for the first time in awhile has generated really tangible results. I beat a guy for the first time who has beat me in the last three major tournament trials, which means that I have improved enough to say that there are days we are not only on par but I pull ahead. And I think this guy is an amazing debater which now feels weird to say because in the most objective test of debating we have (trials), I beat him, which means I am also an amazing debater. I can't really fathom that as a true fact about the world but I'm pushing down the urge to delete the positive self-praise because I think it's important to put out in the universe until either I believe it and/ or it is true. One of the strangest things about this weird life I'm leading where I am doing so well is that I can't claim the underdog narrative so readily. Most of my debating mental narrative is around being UOW2, underestimated and struggling but tryinng just as hard. That just isn't true now. And I can't blame any failure on not being taken seriously or not having the opportunity now, because this is my opportunity. Having said that, I don't intend to waste this chance.

The thing with being UOW1 with Ben is that you are forced to step up, to practice more, to watch debates online, to read more news, because with prestige and expectation comes pressure. Rather than preparing hard for a tournament in order to spite people who didn't believe you could do it, now you have to prepare to live up to high expectations (but also prove to people you are on UOW1 for a reason). I have a vivid vision of break night at Australs, as we wait anxiously to hear our name in the break, and then it never coming, like UOW1 last year. I would feel like it would be all my fault. But, I'm also thinking about it like this- when you do something that you really care about and that is meaningful to you, that fear is going to be there. It's there because in order to achieve, you are taking a big risk-- of doing everything you can and it not being enough. And that is terrifying, because to fail at something that means so much to you is a big deal, and it will hurt to fail. But that's only one of the possibilities. To try for something that meaningful and achieve it, that is the best thing in the world you can do, Breaking at Australs would fulfil me completely as a debater, it would prove that I could do it. Go from being scared of public speaking and having never debated before to being one of the best 48 speakers in the Asian Pacific region in 3 years, the thought defies all reason and logic. But it is genuinely possible that we could do it.

Anyway.

Back on the theme of 'how did my life get so good?', I'm still dating Orion, and he's literally the best, I love him heaps, we live next door to each other and fall asleep together every night. He makes me really happy, we never have drama, I never have doubts, and somehow despite our differences, we just work. We had our 1 year anniversary last month, not including our 7 months of FWB, and we are super comfortable together. I feel like we are very open and neither of us are hiding major personality flaws. I feel reasonably confident Orion knows who I am and likes that person, Though of course, he should, I am genuinely a catch. As is he, in different ways. I think back to high school, and I had such anxiety about finding someone, and being good at relationships and feeling so inadequate. I feel like this is much easier to say when you are in a good relationship, but I just don't feel those anxieties now. Firstly because I feel like I am good enough to 'deserve' a relationship, which is a strange thing, because honestly, I think it almost works as a chicken before the egg deal, because you get a relationship, be like 'well, it's working so clearly I am qualified' which is silly and relies on the fact that someone else wanted to date you to validate your worthiness. But then, it allows you to consider all your good qualities without pressure and realise you are pretty good. Hopefully if I am single again at some point, I will be able to remember this mindset where I feel confident that I bring a lot to the table as an ambitious, intelligent 23 year old.

But also, in terms of being 'good at relationships', I feel like I got in on the relationship train just as it was starting to pull out of the station, in terms of ages where it is socially accepted as normal to still be having 'firsts' in terms of relationships. While of course you aren't doomed after that, your options begin to decrease quickly because being in your first relationship has a lot of extra work for the other person and the risk of it crashing and burning is way higher because a) you don't know what you want yet, b) you don't have strategies for conflict resolution yet and c) your expectations for a relationship are likely very far from reality. I lucked out with Orion because he's really good at relationships (and smarmy about it) but his relationship philosophy or style or whatnot just made it really easy for me to develop good habits and expectations. For example, I feel like in my relationship, I do far more communicating about my needs that Orion does, but it's only because he gave me a very safe space to do that that I have developed that skill so well that I never have to resort to passive aggressiveness or frustration over unmet needs. Honestly, if anything, it's him that now needs to extra push to talk about things that bother him cos I'm constantly all cards on the table. But it's a very lovely place to be, when you aren't worried that being all cards on the table is going to fuck you later down the track. Same with being open about feelings, it's the nicest feeling in the world.

My friendships as well are all just good too. My friend Himmi and I just caught up last night with a two hour phone call and it felt like 10 minutes, we only hung up because it was 1230am. Even though I'm busier, I am trying to make time for as many people and events as humanely possible. Anyway, I have currently fucked up by writing this until 12:16 am. Good night, enjoy the life update, xoxo

February

I've had a really good month!

Last month I worried that I threw too much expectation out into the universe, and that it would come back and bite me, but thankfully that has not been the case. All month I've worked my butt off ensuring that I've been jogging, or lately swimming, every second day at least, and I've been eating healthy and keeping my room neat and I'm just... real life adulting really successfully right now.

Only one real stumbling block has appeared thus far. At the beginning of the month, after reaching 3k on my runs, my knee started giving me trouble. I meant to just take one day off, swim instead and then get back to it. However, I then fell off a skateboard (cos I am learning how to skateboard) on that same knee and now it's not very happy with me. It is still quite bruised up and while it doesn't hurt now, it doesn't like me to kneel on it or put pressure on it. Walking and swimming are fine, but I'm not willing to jog again until it's better. So instead swimming! I do 1km or more most days, with the bae most of the time, and it's also a really fun way to exercise.

It's actually just perfect weather and season for it. The water is warm, the sun is warm, and since I'm on break still, I can go whenever I want as long as it's not the middle of the day when I'll burn. So I think the setback with my knee didn't cost me anything, except it may take me slightly longer to reach 5km. Which is fine, there is no real rush.

My 'learning to cook' has been really successful so far. I've mastered Satay Chicken to the extent that I'm inviting my family over to dinner tonight and I'm cooking for them, and for Galentine's I made Honey Pumpkin Risotto, which is fantastic. I've also tried to make curries and stir fries and I have a bunch of recipes just waiting to be field tested. It's good for my Uncle too, because he gets to eat all the things I make. I'm actually also just really happy that almost everything I'm cooking is vegetarian. Apart from the satay chicken, everything I make at home is meat-free. Partly it's just because it's cheaper to eat tofu or veggies, but mostly I'm making a concerted effort to learn vegetarian meals, so it's actually easier to just eat vegetarian because that's what I know how to do. I'm getting much more conscious about why it's good to eat less or no meat, and while I don't feel guilty for consuming on special occasions, I think I'm giving up eating it just whenever. Like, my lunch wraps are always just salad wraps and they are totally fine. I just put feta or avo or something extra delicious on it to make it tasty.

I have also just been eating healthy. Not strictly or calorie counting beyond just general estimates to ensure that I'm on track, but eating home cooked meals, almost no chocolate and less snacking has really done a lot so far. After six weeks, I'm fitting into dresses better and feeling really good about my progress. My goal was to fit into a specific old dress for Galentine's and I did. It still not an easy, one movement zip, but it did up with relative ease compared to it not fitting or requiring 5 minutes of struggle, which was the situation a few weeks ago. My next clothing goal involes being able to wear the dress with a bra comfortably. I have my next occasion to wear it in two months time (Easters) and I think that's totally enough time to achieve that goal if I stay eyes on the prize. I also just want my jeans to fit nice and loosely and comfortably this winter. I barely wear jeans just because they tend to be tight and annoying, so this year it would be nice to have jeans that fit where there is no muffin top, or to be able to move down a size. Ah, dreams, dreams.

I only broke the healthy eating a couple of days ago because of Galentines and Valentines. While I didn't at all binge, I had always had those dates in the diary for a bit of a splurge. Galentine's involves a lot of alcohol and a pot luck of both savory and sweet foods, and Valentine's involves eating out and treating yo' self,  so I just planned for it in advance. And oh god, was it worth it! The hot chocolate with whipped cream at Valentine's brunch was everything I had dreamed and eating bread and cheese on a picnic blanket with your boyfriend while watching a movie is #aesthetic af. I ate unhealthy for a 24 hour period of debauchery, didn't work out, just enjoyed a party with my girl friends, brunch with bae and some close friends, and dinner and dessert with my boyfriend. That's some really nice life balance. I think at the point where you don't do fun things with the people you care about because it might involve calories or overeating, that's a problem. There are so many non-event days that you can be healthy for with no social cost, that it doesn't make sense not to go out on the special days. Oh no, it may take me a couple of extra days to reach my goals! The horror.

Anyways, Valentine's was really nice because the relationship is going really well. I told bae that the only thing I wanted was him to get me a card that filled both inside pages with his thoughts about me and our relationship. It took him until 11:59 to hand it over, but it was worth it when he did. Bless communication and being able to express what you want. It really makes life good. Having written assurance of feelings is worth 10 x the amount of verbal declarations. I can also treasure written notes much better than I can remember verbal ones.

I've also made a budget for the first time in my life, which is challenging but a really important thing. Now that I'm living out of home and I'm in complete control of my finances, and wanting to know if I'll be able to afford debating comps and holidays and food and whatnot, it's important. My budget was pretty aspirational, in that it was perhaps a bit of a stretch to think I could save as much as I budgeted but I'm currently just recording how much I spend each day, so I can make it more accurate. You don't realise how many 'extras' you pay for until you do this, I swear to God. Thankfully, I have some ways to make extra cash lined up so I think I'll be able to make this work, if I can just cut out (for the most part) getting food while out. That's such a money drain, though the real test will be if I can not spend money at Uni once semester starts and I'll need to pack multiple meals and snacks to get me through a day without buying lunch.

In other news, I have my orientation for Clinical next week and soon after that I'll actually start! I'm really excited but also feeling unprepared. I'm hoping I'll have the motivation and determination to sustain me through the semester/year/degree. I want to do as well in Masters as I did in Honours, not just academically but I want a good work/life balance and I want to really have myself together. Hopefully Masters will allow for that.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll update you in March as to how I'm going (hopefully just keeping on on on!)

January

Welcome to 2017!

After New Years, I moved out of home... approximately four doors up the hill and in with my disabled uncle, who conveniently lives in the same apartment as my boyfriend.

Hurray!

So now we live even closer than before, and with a (with limits) open door policy, it's almost like living together, without much of the icky commitment and with our own bedrooms for space. I was pretty ambivalent about the moving thing until I did it. Like, I was sad to move out of home, I like home. It's cheap and much nicer than I can afford myself, and I like Mum and Tom.

However, now that I am out and I have everything set up nicely and I'm settled in, I very much like living where I am. I can still save money while I'm here, I get a step closer to domesticity with the bae and while I don't necessarily get more freedom in terms of having parties and friends over and having loud sex, I do know not have anyone telling me what to do. I have a lot more responsibility for groceries/washing/cleaning etc, but that means I do things the way I want them done, and without Mum around, I can finally learn to eat/cook like a normal person (she can't handle any scent stronger than pepper in the kitchen, let alone onion or garlic or soy sauce). I'm learning to cook, which is exciting and motivating. Bae took me grocery shopping, to get all the basics in bulk. I've never had half the stuff before, but bae is a good cook and he'll help me get all the basic meals down.

Living with John is fine, I just keep to my room when I don't want to interact and he's talkative but not like, coming knocking on my door to talk. When he has seizures, I get a bit unsure, they don't last long but it's always unsettling to have any kind of unexpected yelling and seizure noises. I don't have to do anything, one just happened and I just went out into the living room and was like 'You okay?" and he was like 'yeah' so it's fine, but I feel bad for not doing more, though I don't know what more there is to do. My aunties are around a lot too which is fine. I don't mind if Orion comes out of my bedroom while they are there, it doesn't both anyone. I don't think John minds either.

I have cute fairy lights everywhere in my room, and I culled all my stuff, so everything is quite neat! I was pretty sure I would be neater when I moved out if I could develop the habit from day 1. Like, a new environment that I've never experienced as messy is much less likely to deteriorate because neat is the norm, rather than the exception. So going back to 'neat' is the baseline expectation. At the very least, I'm trying to form better habits and I think new starts are the best time to do it, so #newyearnewhousenewme

I've also started jogging, another new years thing but you know, I'm hopeful and positive about it. I'm starting slow, and not overdoing it. I look forward to it so far, rather than dreading it. I try to conceptualise the run in my head as my time for myself, when I feel really good and something to feel thankful for, rather than curse. I think a lot of my problems just need some old fashioned CBT to really change my perceptions. I'm gonna run 2k tomorrow, as my 7th run for the year, and that's not a lot in terms of distance, but it's not nothing either. I'm pretty unfit but if I keep it up, I'll be running 3k by the end of the month and 5k by early March. It doesn't need to be instant amazing distances, cos if I go slow and get the running mindset right, it could be sustainable through the year. So far, I go every second day at 7am, around the lighthouse and an every increasing distance beyond. Tomorrow I should reach the WEC, after two weeks of doing it. Part of me is like noooo don't talk about it yet, it hasn't been long enough, it's gonna be embarrassing if you stop, and don't actually keep it up, but y'know, putting plans out into the universe is good. It makes me accountable and also I just like talking about the things I'm doing as I do them. Right now, I think this is the time, I think this is me getting the balance right, and it's gonna work. The combo of eating right and exercising is gonna do me good, if it lasts another two weeks, another two months, or six months or all year.

I'm very happy with where I am right now. Getting into good habits with food, fitness and neatness before clin comes into my life and brings with it stress and makes my life hectic. Yay 2k17!

Exciting, unstable times

I want to make a post now because my life is racing towards a moment of major, life change, and I want to document the moment before that occurs,

Since October, I have been applying for Clinical and Professional Psychology Masters programs all over, at six different uni's. My preference is the two year clinical program, but professional, which is a one year course, is still respectable, and often a springboard for clinical. Both are very competitive.

So far I have been accepted into USyd for a Master of Teaching (School Counselling), though it was a back up, and UNE, which is professional, via distance, and not ideal. I also have interviews for UTS, WSU, UOW, and MQ.

-----

Damn, I really wanted to finish this post before I got news but I was blindsided early so I will have to change tactics.

I don't know how to say this without it sounding like a dream, but I was accepted in a Master of Psychology (Clinical) at UOW. My dream course, at my dream uni. I'm literally... brain dead. I can't comprehend it and I was blindsided by it.

This is complicated to explain, but it's necessary to understand. UOW has two post graduate programs, clinical and professional. Clinical is a two year course that will leave you fully registered at the end, as not just a psychologist but a clinical psychologist (you can charge more and are more specified towards clinical cases). Professional is one year, gets you halfway to registration and leads you into the second year of supervision, at the end of which you are registered. Often people finish professional and get into clinical from there.

I was only given an interview for professional. So that means they looked at my application, were like, she's alright, not enough experience for clinical, but give her a go for professional. Mia on the other hand got the Clinical interview, which I am pretty sure means that they assess you for clinical, and if you don't make it, they assess you for professional, though it's possible to get neither.

However, the interview for both clinical and professional is the same. It's four questions/scenarios and you have about 5-7 minutes to answer each question, each with a different interviewer. So Mia and I did the same interview, as do all Clinical and Professional candidates. However, I didn't believe it was possible for a Professional candidate to be offered the Clinical masters, because they'd been ruled out in the 'who do we give interviews?' stage.

But for some reason, that's what happened with me. I got the offer yesterday, on my birthday, and it was awkward, rather than celebratory because I was terrified it was a mistake. So I spent my birthday party trying not to think about it, because I didn't want to be too hopeful and be crushed the next day if it was a mistake.

But today, I went to uni because I'm finishing my degree over summer due to a credit point debacle and I talked to the Head of Psych, and also the Course Coordinator, as well as admissions, and triple confirmed, I am in, it's real and legitimate!

I got my dream. It's so wonderful I don't know how to process it.

But at the same time, Mia hasn't heard anything and neither has my closest psych friend Fiona. I don't know what that means for them, and while I want to be hopeful, I'm very worried that it means that they didn't get in. Mia has professional at Monash but that's in Melbourne, and while she still has a shot at getting accepted at other uni's, it's not the same as getting in at UOW. It's hard because in some ways, she deserves it more than I do, she's attempted it twice (last year not getting in), and she put in so much effort to prepare for interviews.

Me on the other hand, prepared a lot (though was not in her league), but didn't stress at all. I feel like in achieving this amazing feat myself, I've done it in a way that is undeserving. I would never say that I don't work hard or that I didn't put my all in, but I wasn't the only one to do that. I don't think I'm more deserving.

Especially with Mia, it's so difficult. Being in the same boat as your best friend is great most of the time, but it is hard because no one can ever get all the same opportunities.

But it feels like it should be a leapfrog thing, she misses out one thing, I miss out another thing, but instead now I've caught up the year she was ahead of me, with an extra degree under my belt, and now have got into the most competitive, amazing course, that has been both of our dreams for five years, without any struggle what so ever. I didn't even get wait listed, I just got offered. Like, that's literally unbelievable. If Mia was me, I would be feeling green with envy inside. Not because I'm awful but because it's hard to just be happy for your friends when you are also banking all your hopes on getting that same opportunity, and not getting it.

Somehow, debating skills mixed with shyness and sincerity worked on UOW interviewers. I have charm apparently. The guy in charge, who was supposed to be scary af, actually must have liked me. I saw him today to confirm and he said my interview was really good.

I have to just hope beyond hope now that Mia gets into WSU. At least then we would both be doing clinical and the dream continues.

Fingers crossed.


Also, I'm 23 now yay!

The thing about being in a relationship that I can't avoid is that I'm terrified of what it will feel like if  we break up. I try to picture it all the time, not because I think it's going to happen on account of how things are going but just because I think that it's just probability that we'll end, because almost all relationships do and I don't think ours is so special that it'll be the exception.

I'm scared of it because this blog reminds me vividly that I spent 3 years struggling to get over someone who I never dated. I'm so constant with my feelings, I don't know how to move on from anyone or anything, so I know that if Orion even ends things will me, I'll break. I don't know how not to be insecure to the point where I don't base my worth on what guys I love think of me. If we end, I'll feel that it was because I wasn't good enough and I just hope I don't get sick again as a result. I don't think I will, but this is so far outside anything I can predict, I can't even imagine how it would go down or what I would do. I'd be okay, I know. I was okay after Lizzy, I'm not going to lose it over a boyfriend but it would be hard.

I try to make it less hard by throwing out statements like 'I'll take that home with me when we break up' or 'once we end, I'll do that' etc. I think it annoys bae, who's like, just say 'if we break up', not 'when'. And I'm a hypocrite, because the one time bae was teasing me saying something similar, about how we'll break up as soon as I move and we aren't on the same street anymore and I got really defensive being like NO DON'T SAY THAT. It's weird. I know I do it as a defense mechanism, so if we do break up I'll feel prepared, but I also don't believe it mostly. I used the phrase 'when we get married' instead of 'when I get married' the other day, that was embarrassing. We've only been together 6 months, so obvi our long term prospects are still very much up in the air, but I like to think they are there, in a way I don't think either of us expected when we started.

I deeply want to be the person that fits bae, and want him to be that person for me, where it just works and where you want to be with that person for as long into the future as you can see. I don't want us to give up if it becomes impractical or difficult. All that growing together, ride or die stuff, I want that. I guess I love him or whatever :P

Having said that, there are a lot of things that could end us as a couple, but none I can see in the next few months. This Summer is going to be golden, by hell or highwater I'm gonna have the time of my life, with bae and my friends and moving out and finishing my thesis this week, and whatever happens, life is happening all around me and I'm gonna appreciate it all.

Okay, with 6 days til thesis, I should get back to work. 

43 Days Until Thesis

So with 43 days until my thesis is due, what is going on in my life?

Quite a lot actually! I'm at such a high point right now, where I am just very contented with where my life is. I see all my friends all the time, I really feel productive and like my thesis is coming along, I am busy debating and just got reelected to the Executive for the second year in a row, I have a really lovely relationship which makes me really happy, and it's starting to get warmer and sunnier so that makes me really positive.

I have a lot of friends stuff happening right now which I love. About a month ago, we came up with the idea of Feminist Film Fridays, in which everyone gets together after dinner of Friday and we watch a feminist movie. So like, 5 or 6 of us each week gather at my house and we watch something together and eat Magnums. It's really nice! This week we watched Miss Congeniality, and some boys came too, and we had cheesecake for Mia's birthday and it was just a nice, unremarkable night that really deserves to be cherished. It's a gift to have so many wonderful people around me that I enjoy hanging out with. After this year, a lot is going to change, and people are going to be working full time, or living in different states or countries, and that's pretty crazy to think about. I'd lvoe to hit the freeze button right now, cos this feels like a golden time for me. My brother just got a major job offer yesterday, which is amazing but it means he's going to be moving to Canberra at the end of the year/ beginning of next year. Every Thursday night, Chels, Mia, Viv and I do Eat Street Markets or go to Beach Burrito for dinner, and catch up, normally getting Kurtosh after. Every Monday, I spend an hour with Indy , who is a newer friend that I love dearly and we drink Belgian hot chocolates and D&M about whatever is new since FFF. On Tuesday nights, it's always Debating but I love that cos I have so many people that I look forward to seeing there. One of my closest debating friends actually can't attend any meetings this semester because of class, so we just caught up yesterday for lunch and that was really nice, to move from just the group world of debating to doing our own thing. One of my friends who I thought wasn't my friend anymore actually came around and we made up very dramatically, and now that's someone I can count on again, which I like. Plus I tag along to stuff with bae's friends, who are all really cool and fun, so I feel like my social life is actually really good rn.

Bae and I are doing good too. We have a relationship that involves basically me sleeping at his house 9/10 nights, so we spend a lot of time together without it conflicting with other commitments or life-stuff. We don't spend a huge amount of time together during the day, so it doesn't feel like an over-the-top commitment,  but just one that makes sense. I like sleeping in the same place, not 10 houses apart, just for the sake of space. We spent the weekend in Sydney last week, and went to the Socialism Conference and the Star, where a friend of his had a 21st. It was really exciting to go somewhere overnight as a legit couple. Like, we've stayed in Sydney debating lots of times with other people, but this was just a thing we were doing as a couple, of our own volition, so that was really sweet #milestone. Our relationship isn't perfect, and I do definitely overthink things a lot and need to communicate what I think more, but I am really happy in it and get a lot of value. I'm really looking forward to this Summer.

I have an RA job and that's going pretty well, I do statistical analysis for a major project and it's fun. I just do it whenever I want and will actually be getting paid so that's nice. I'm considering going on a cruise at the end of the year with friends (hopefully bae too but he still needs to be convinced). That would be such a nice way to end the year. I'm also going to the Psych Ball this year, with bae, and I'm just excited to celebrate thesis being done with all of my Psych friends, because everyone has become so much closer this year, I feel like I have a lot of friends there that I'll be sad to say goodbye to.

My fitness & health goals are not really a priority right now, which sucks. I'm hoping that I can start making that more of a priority soon, because it does bring me down. I do want to be thinner and healthier and get some fitness back. I'm going to start running again, hopefully. At least just spending more time outside walking. I think that would be valuable, not just for physical goals but for mental health. I went out the other week to meet bae Pokemon hunting and was so surprised by how much joy the walk gave me. It was cold and dark but I had my earphones in and I genuinely didn't want to arrive, because I was having so much fun by myself. I also think it would be nice to just go out together and walk and talk. Prime hand holding opportunity.

I'm also looking forward (kind of) to moving out at the beginning of next year. I'm being kicked out so I have plans to move in with Viv and Ryan which I think will be an adventure. Hopefully the good kind. That's still 5 months away but it's a serious plan, I have to move out and I love the idea of living with friends.

So funnily enough, about 12 hours after I wrote my last post about being in love (gross) and all of that emotions stuff, bae got his act together and told me he loved me.

Excellent timing by him, cos it's good to be on the same page and not good to not be able to say feelings as I have them. Thinking 'I love you' and not being able to say it really killed my buzz so I was glad he decided it was time because once he said it, obviously it was open season and I said it back and now we say it all the time.

It's a funny, weird social construct. It's like, there exists an invisible barrier that prevents you from being honest about love when you feel it until you are sure it's mutual and then popping the barrier is a big deal but then immediately after that, you say it all the time for completely banal things. Not to say that it means nothing now but I got used to it very, very fast. It's still on my list of favourite things about being in a relationship though. I think the list is like 1) cuddling 2) hearing him say "this is my girlfriend' 3) hair/forehead/face kisses 4) i love you's and compliments 5) pet names.

I mean, there is defs more things that I like but those are the things in particular that get me feeling warm and fuzzy about relationships. Like, sex is excellent but it was excellent before we were dating too so it can't make the list.

I just like having a boyfriend. It really is just like the buddy system, it's just having a person specifically looking out for you, and doing things with you and making sure you are doing okay. I approve of all these things. It's not restricting, just nice. it's been three months now and it's very comfortable.

It is important to note though that having that going well is not to say that the rest of my life is hunky dory.

Things are really, really hard lately. I'm in a bit of a funk, a cute way of saying I feel a bit depressed and unmotivated and am having a hard time focusing on what I need to do and am instead watching a lot of Netflix because being alone with my thoughts isn't what I want. It's so strange, because I don't have a reason, I don't think people ever do but I don't like it when my brain does it's own thing. I'm just tired a lot, and exhausted and want to sleep for about 4 months. Not in a bad way, like I don't want to be doing the living thing, I just want to be under a snuggly blanket and breathe out for awhile and let the stress go.

Tbh I spend a lot of time at baes doing just that, only because I have all those responsibilities that don't go away, I end up just more stressed when I leave or reluctant to leave cos it's like exchanging calm for stress. Bae is very good at offering no-expectations time for me to just do my own thing.

okay thats all I feel like expressing

friends good, relationship good, mental health bad, uni eh plz dont ask, work ??? but overall 6.5/10 handling life

relationships are wild

I don't even know what this post is, except I think bae and I are moving so fast, not just in terms of how we're acting, like hanging out all the time, but also in terms of feelings.

It's so strange and unlike what I thought it would be. I don't know what I expected really, but Mia hit it spot on when she told me that when you date someone, if you aren't doing anything else, you just tend to hang out with them. I thought it would just be similar to what we were like when we were FWB but it's way more.

Like, the other day bae invited a mutual over friend over for dinner at his. He just casually mentioned to me 'so see you tonight like 7' or something, which was the only hint I got that I was invited, cos he just assumed obviously as we are dating I get an automatic invite which like, I get, but also it's new for me. So he had to be like yes lucy that is how dating works. It's all new and I like it all.

Sometimes I don't go home for two or three days, at least not for more than a change of clothes. I sleep at his about two thirds of the time now. That's a lot. I like it though.

It's crazy how much I want to spend time together. He left me in bed this morning cos he's going to Canberra overnight for debating and I miss him and it's only been like 12 hours. It's like being in the Twilight Zone. Me having feelings??? Okay, that part is average, but for a boy?  Romantically? This is strange. And it's intense, I have absolutely zero chill. I look at him and think 'God I love you' all the goddamn time. Not that I say that yet, cos it's only been 2 months or whatever (9 1/2 if you count FWB time which I half do) but I think it. I'm getting so close to blurting it out. I don't know why I do exactly cos it's not like he's changed, but I just like him a fuckton and I think that's basically love? I know it's half puppy love, like, honeymoon love, not deep deep, I want to be with you forever love, but I want to touch him all the time, I always want to kiss him, for us to be skin to skin, he makes me laugh, I admire him so much and I just like arguing with him and we all know that's when I know it's real.

We don't really agree on much, all the superficial stuff we disagree, like music, movies, pop culture, fashion. He's a hipster and I'm a basic bitch basically, so we are very often dragging each other for our deeply held opinions but I think it's mostly, if not totally, in good fun. I sometimes worry that I'm not alternative enough for him, because I dress preppy and am not into going to gigs and don't want to get an undercut but we agree on the big stuff, which I have been reassured by a friend is what is what's important.

I think I realized how much I liked him when Mia pointed out to me that he's actually sort of one of a kind. Mia and I have argued for years about my high standards when it comes to romantic interests politics and values. I've made exceptions and there are people who are less intense about things that I've had feelings for but no one that I've ever dated. Bae is the only person I know who is more progressive than I am, in fact he almost constantly has me beat and which that sometimes annoys me, I also know that I never want it any different.

I don't think I'll be able to lower my standards now. I like feeling safe and sure about him, with sex but also just with my feelings. He has never not come through when I've talked him about personal things, and I've never got anxious for a second that I may not be safe with him or that he might hurt me. I mean, that's a low standard to hold guys to but that's society I guess.

I guess I'm just happy and I feel like it's moving fast, to the extent that I'm terrified of it ending suddenly, or going wrong. I like him. I like what we have. I want it to keep going. I want to go deeper. I remember when I said at the start of this, when I was convincing him we should date, 'if it isn't working out, we can just end it after a few months, no hard feelings' but I was so naive dear God. I knew about feelings in the abstract but in reality this is real truly madly deeply type stuff, how do people survive this jfc.

This whole 'you either stay together forever or you break up' dichotomy is also terrifying. We're gonna break up one day, and all of this feeling and love will be dust, that's awful. How do people have relationships, are people insane? Relationships are a trip, this is wild.

I think I sometimes underestimate how sad I am sometimes. I think it's easy to forget and a lot of the time I just tell myself one thing over and over even if it's not the truth and just try to make it my truth. Like that I'm not devastated about Lizzy. It's still like a black hole. There is no amount of light or positive feelings or hope or friendship or love that I can throw into it and make it feel okay. I don't remember what it sounded like when she laughed, like full bellied laughed. I can remember her voice and certain phrases but not that. I don't remember her singing voice. I don't remember her smell. I don't know what she would say about me today. I don't know how she would feel about the relative frequency or infrequency of her name in conversations or my rote responses, I don't know how she would feel about me using the phrase best friend to describe her. I don't know if she'd say hell yes man, you should totally sleep with this guy or if she'd warn me right off. I don't know how I'm going to hear the word cancer ever again or see a movie about death or anyone being dead without thinking of her. I don't know how I'm going to go to the beach, especially to Mollymook and not feel devastated and like I'm missing a limb. I don't know how to do that but I also don't know how to ever make her less relevant to the point that I won't consider her when decision making or when I want to tell someone something because the idea of her being irrelevant is so repulsive but it's already happened in so many respects and I'm sick of hearing Liz would love this or Liz would be so proud of you or it's exactly what she would have wanted because no one wanted this, especially Lizzy. To die and be remembered and the tragic cancer girl who left behind grief and sadness and cliches would have been her last choice.

I think of her when I wash my hair, when I listen to music, when I watch movies, when I do anything new, when I get dressed or get new clothes, when I look in the mirror, when I eat frozen meals, when I think of Hilary Duff or the Temper Trap or the Killers or Fall Out Boy or Nikki Webster or when I walk on a beach or get coffee in a cafe at breakfast time. When I hear the name Camden, or see a train or shipping truck. When I do RPM or boxing, when I think about debating, let alone actually debate or go to Tournaments. I think of her when I wait to put on makeup after getting out of the shower so my pores have time to close. When I braid my hair. When I put change back into my wallet, when I feel the sun on my skin, I think of her. I think of her when I dream about the future, when I think about my wedding, or having kids or going to Africa or climbing a mountain or sky diving because I'm changing and growing and doing all of these things that she might have never imagined me doing and six months from now I'll be older than her and ever day past that I'll have been luckier than her and that's because I'll have had the chance to keep on living and growing. In 2013 I never would have considered debating and I never would have had anyone else imagine it for me either. Now it is a huge part of my identity. I expect to have many such things come into my life over time. Each making me a more diverse, interesting person but each also making me more and more indistinguishable from the girl I was. Am.

And more than ever I mourn the person that knew me, that knew us. Our relationship, our shared memories, our... Everything, I don't know the word to describe that. Our chemistry that made us go from being cousins by blood to cousins through friendship and love and companionship. Lizzy was my mate and I miss her more than words can describe.

One piece of advice about grief that I got and remember, is that grief is like a balloon. There is a fuckton of it, like air in a balloon, but it can only be expelled in small amounts, through the mouth piece bit, which is pinched together but to let little bits out. That's like grief, no matter how much grief there is, you can only get rid of it a little bit at a time. Which sucks, kind of. You can't ever really go off the rails or drown in sobbing. You feel bad and even awful but that's the extent of it for the most part. You take a few minutes or an hour and you cry and feel hollow but you can't overwhelm yourself, your body doesn't let you. It always feels far too rational for me, like not feeling enough or it's not affecting me in near as major a way as it should, which leads to guilt and over compensation and wondering what stuff I am doing as a performance and what stuff is because I really feel it and even possibly what stuff is a performance act for myself. Is making this list of things that remind me of Liz performative?

Fuck if I know.

I feel sad and out of place about it all the time. I feel like I'm so alone in family situations, where I never was before. It's like, Liz and I together was just baseline, but now I'm always below that, I'm always less. I feel like I'm waiting for her to show up so I can stop struggling to guess what she'd think or say or how she'd act in a situation. I imagine it the way I used to imagine romantic scenarios with boys I had a crush on, where I would plot it all out and guess how they would act. I went to a wedding this weekend and I imagined what snarky comments I would say to Liz, what she would have worn, how many times she would have rolled her eyes or gotten furious. I imagine the fun we'd have had, I imagine the small talk we'd have made, the dancing we'd have done, the way she would have laughed and cringed with me about our strange, embarrassing family.

I want her take on things all the time. I don't even know if I'd have wanted her take on them before she died, back when I took it all for granted, but I do now. No one else quite fills the role. She wasn't just a friend, or a cousin, she filled such a unique spot in my life that's irreplaceable. Sometimes I wish it wasn't.

God, I just want her back, in my arms. I want to smell her hair and feel her squeezing me back. I want her laughing and angry and rolling her eyes and scowling and lecturing me, and saying, 'hey man, what's up?' and I want her adjing me and I want her to double date with me and I want her telling me about her job and giving me book recs. I just want her out there somewhere. I want her to pull a TV show plot twist and come back, admitting she faked her death because the FBI had recruited her for a top secret mission to Mars.

Nothing else is enough. Nothing is enough. No matter what good stuff I have going on, and I have so much good stuff. I feel it every day that she isn't here and I'm not being rhetorical for effect, it's true. She's on my mind all the time and it's what I want but it's also so hard. So, so hard.

Many musings about relationships, in particular, mine

I had a really lovely night last night with the bae. We had a 21st with all our debater friends during which bae basically went off and became a bro with his guy friends, which to me is hilarious because his personality is like the opposite of bro culture but they giggle and have beers and talk about memes so like, cool. Whereas I hung out with the 4 people I knew well, and by the end of the night, the 4 other people I kind of know and like.

I don't mind operating in different spheres when it comes to debating events, because we both have our own little circles, even if there's a lot of overlap and there's no pressure to really hang out, like there was at the last 21st we went to where the golden rule was 'don't you dare leave my side'. Like, both work, it's nice not to be tied to one. I don't need to be a clingy couple. Basically every half an hour or hour I'd go over and he'd put his arm around me for a minute but then I'd go back to dancing.

When T-Swizzle came on and he wasn't dancing were the only times I raced over to him and was like, okay buddy talking time is over, put down the beer, this is urgent, it's dance with your girlfriend time.

Both times were a struggle to get him over, the second time it was 'Love Story' which, while slightly too sappy for our current status, was absolutely a song I wanted him to dance with me to and he was like nope. So I went back to the dance floor, miming a broken heart and then one of our guy friends went over to him and they chatted and then after that he came over and I didn't realise til after that he'd talked him into it, but #grateful. Though bae says he was always going to. Sure :P

Then bae was getting a lift home with Ben, and I was getting a lift home with someone else who had a full car so I asked Ben if I could go home with him instead. It was no extra trouble, but I was nervous that was clingy so I went over to bae and was like, not that I'm asking your permission or anything but is it cool I switched? and he was just like 'why though?' and I was like ??? so we can be together?? and he was like 'oh yeah, sweet, we can cuddle in the backseat' or something to that effect so like, clueless but meaning well.

Then when we got home he was like, 'sleep at mine?' and I was like, sure thing, so we went up, and I had like 3 glasses of water. I only had three or four glasses of wine but they really filled them up so that's probably like 6 or 7 standard drinks. Bae was sober and I was really not and he was supposed to be going  back to Sydney at 7am the next day but once we were in bed and he was like, we really don't have time to have sex if I have to be up at 6:30 and I was like, thinking outside the box here but what if you, like, don't go. So long story short, I seduced him  and I got what I wanted, even if it meant I slept in late and procrastinated my assignment.

I was also really proud of myself because I was really worried that I was going to get drunk and cry because alcohol, for everyone I suppose but for me in particular, tends to increase the intensity of whatever mood I am in prior to consumption. So happy moods are great, I love dancing and laughing and kissing and all the bright side of intoxication. But when I'm in  a melancholy mood, I tend to become a crying drunk.

I was worried I was in a melancholy mood because I had cried earlier that day in the Woolworths car park because I had a dream about Liz, where she came back, having announced that she'd faked her death. I can't remember the reason, but it was a good one and I was so, so damn happy to have her back, I didn't question it at all. It was a devastating dream to wake up to though, and left me feeling really flat and sad and empty. I miss Lizzy so damn much, it's never that far away from the surface, so I was predicting that my night was gonna have a crying episode in it. I never feel embarrassed by it because I don't think grief is embarrassing and I don't think I'm an ugly crier, and I know that it helps me feel better, so I figured if it happened, it happened. But in the end, I never needed to.

Go me.

So this is kind of exciting

So last entry, I lied a little bit. Maybe lied is the wrong word--I omitted.

When I said that things with the FWB was good, that was true, but actually, things were getting quickly complicated with it because I got a crush and started being all weird and listening to songs that reminded me of him and staring at his Facebook icon all the time to see if he was online, even when I had no intentions of starting a conversation.

I really am not good at healthily expressing crushes because I don't know how to flirt and I find power imbalance off putting and intimidating, except in sex, when that's the best part, so when I have feelings for someone, I ignore them and am extra mean, so they have no evidence they can hold against me if they start to suspect.

I don't do this on purpose, it's reflexive and not very mature, I agree. I'm working on it.

But being that this isn't just someone I know but someone I'm in a close and intimate relationship with that only functions without drama when there is a system of open honesty, I did a really, really mature thing and told him I had feelings for him. If I could highlight this as evidence of how much of a changed, mature person I am, I would, because this is big.

This was also really sucky for me because I figured it spelled the end of the sex part of our relationship, which is a really excellent part of our relationship and also of my day, but in the interests of myself long term, I knew it was for the best because feelings grow and it gets harder to stop something nice the more you want it. I had to get out while I was still rational enough to make the call, it's like when you get bitten by a zombie. Do you hide  it and eventually turn and infect the rest of your group or do you tell the truth and get put out of your misery? If you're not a douche, you tell. So I did.

I comforted myself with the knowledge that I was being hella mature, and being direct and honest is a real step forward for me, like really solid growth as a human being in relationships with other human beings. Liz is fucking thrilled for me rn.

All my girls were in agreement that it had to be done so it was mostly a matter of deciding if it was dishonest to sleep together one last time before I told him, which I decided was okay and also I really, really wanted to. So the next morning I did the 'we need to talk' thing and explained that FWB couldn't work for me anymore because I wanted more and that was a path to unhappiness if he couldn't ever give me more, so we pretty much had to go back to just being friends.

HOWEVER, it now gets interesting because he surprised me and said maybe we could make it work and find a compromise that suited both of our needs. But I was kinda difficult in that my needs were 'I want a relationship and won't be satisfied with anything that isn't that'. Actually, I take back that I was kinda difficult. It's not difficult or being a pain to want something, it was perfectly legitimate to put it out there that I wanted that and I won't let patriarchal views of what women are allowed to want to make me feel bad about expressing myself.

Surprisingly, that wasn't the end of the conversation. I can't remember how much I've explained the situation of my sex bae, but basically, he's in a poly relationship with another person, which means that he is able to sleep with or date other people while maintaining the integrity of that relationship. So dating wasn't off the table, which was the first thing he said after I told him I had feelings.

I hadn't been sure about that, like how willing he was to date other people, and obviously my self esteem would never let me be like, maybe he would want to date me specifically? But that's kind of what happened. He ended up needing a week to think things through, which was hard because it gave me a lot of time to also doubt, but in the end when he said that we could make things work and he wanted to try, I was into that.

So after (dear god) five years without dating anyone, voila,  I'm in a relationship.

The true friends with benefits cliche, but better that cliche than "someone always gets hurt". I don't know exactly how this is gonna play out, it seems like something that may go well but may also just not be the right fit, but it's worth trying.

So far it's been like a week, and we've been hanging out slightly more than before, but not ALL THE TIME, which is about right I think. The hardest thing I find is working out a new way of interacting? It's hard to explain and I feel like not everyone has this issue, but I'm so used to kind of ignoring bae when we're not at home, like actively choosing to sit by someone else in order to maintain a reasonable distance. Now I don't have to do that theoretically. Like, it's not weird to sit next to your boyfriend, that's their whole thing, being your partner at things. It still feels embarrassing though a little, and like 'is this cool??" So we've still got a zero PDA thing happening, which I hope will change. Not in a gross way, just in a feeling comfortable holding hands in public way, making-it-obvious-we-like-each-other way.

I feel like up until this point, 90% of our interaction is interaction in private. There's this song, "Four Walls' by Broods, that I always identify this situation with, in that I feel like our whole relationship has developed almost solely within the four walls of his bedroom. So I know what we are in that environment and it's endlessly comfortable and intimate, and I don't just mean sex, but like, that's where we hang out and watch movies and debate and tumblr and basically just spend our time. The other 10% is like, debating related, group chills, and going to dinner with his friends stuff, which is nice but mostly plutonic bro stuff.

So now it's translating a larger portion of our relationship to the 'real world', so we don't just exist as our own little self-defined entity. Like, he has to meet my friends and do things as my SO and vise versa, but also just make it clear when we are with debating friends that we are a thing.

So the next conversational challenge I have is asking him what he is okay with. We have debating later tonight and it would be super nice to make it obvious that we've had a change in relationship status i.e. kiss hello, hold my hand for no reason etc. My belief about relationships is from a tumblr post that was decrying all the dumb tropes about relationships where your partner is your enemy, like someone you have to play mind games with. it was all like 'literally wtf, your partner should be like, your partner in life, the one you are on the same side as, the one you don't have to do that BS with.' which I truly do agree with, which means it shouldn't be what I want vs what he wants, and how do I best win, it should be a mutual thing we talk and agree on.

Ah well, this is good for me, all this new space to grow as a person.

So I'm updating this blog after the longest break I've ever taken from it.

I can't really pinpoint why exactly I stopped feeling like I wanted to or needed to blog, or why I chose today to start a new post, but here goes.

The first thing to start with, since it is relevant to where I last left you in the saga of my life, is that Mia and I have made up again. I know the last year has been a lot of back and forth "we're friends again", "we're fighting again" "we're friends again". I can't guarantee that won't continue, I mean, who knows, but it seems like things are much better and settled. Mia seems much more like she's made a choice to pursue our friendship and like she wants things to be as they were. I don't really harbor ill feelings over anything-- though I say that with the caveat of if things do go badly again, I think they would be factors again, in that the major fight and issues will continue to exist as elements of our friendship and its history, which isn't erased with forgiveness, so like, if she were to hook up with someone I'm into, even 20 years from now, I would be pissed, but for the most part, I think it makes for a mature friendship to decide you still like each other after things are bad and you realise the friendship isn't an inevitability, but a choice. It's like a marriage, it doesn't just work on its own, you have to put in effort to move past things and focus on the good.

It's funny though to go back to talking most days because that's what I missed most when we were fighting, it was knowing that all the same little struggles were occurring in her life, like all the things she messages me about now, but I didn't know what they were when we were fighting. I like little things. That's when I feel like I know someone so I find it hard to fight and know that's not what you have anymore with that person.

But anyways, for now, all good.

My other female friendship that I developed in the absence in Mia actually has ended the opposite way, with complete crashing and burning. It was a risk I took to become close friends with someone that I knew was known for sporadic friendships that could run hot for awhile but turn cold in an instant but because I've never had a bad female friendship really, I mostly disregarded the warning signs because it's never been my experience. Consistency is the most accurate word to describe 99% of my relationships.

So I try to think of what happened as a positive thing. This girl was there for me when I didn't have many other people I felt I could be close to (without Mia and Jen, my pool of close friendships felt suffocatingly smaller I guess) and despite being someone who took a lot of emotional energy, we had fun and she was a good bae, because I felt like I could be very honest with her and shared a lot of insecurities and worries, because she was sharing a lot back. When things ended, we both felt the other was in the wrong, but since it's my blog, I expect my readers hold the assumption that I am endlessly reasonable and always right. It left a bad taste in my mouth and has made a lot of situations frustrating since, because it wasn't a clean fight and I feel I got character assassinated a bit, but I will admit that among our mutual friends that are closest to me, I kinda fought back. No one ever really leaves a fight with completely clean hands I would say.

Basically I had the option of making up with her. I think if I'd have grovelled a bit or taken responsibility for it all, she would have accepted it, but the idea of that felt ludicrous and like something I would never do. I have way too much pride tbh to take responsibility for something I felt strongly wasn't my fault. And like, maybe for Mia I am willing to put in a lot of work, but Mia's been my bffl for a decade, this girl, as much as I thought we were close and I liked her, I didn't feel much when she betrayed the friendship and subsequently ended it. Having Mia back probably softened the blow, especially since Mia does employ the strategy she wants me to take in fights she is involved with-- she took my side 100% and let me bitch. So my impetus for reconciliation was low and I felt like I was being mature by being like 'look, I've washed my hands of the whole friendship, clearly I am unable to treat her as she need to be treated and while I wish her the best, I am glad to be out." Hopefully that is the case, and I can look back a year from now and say that was a mature decision. Sometimes what I think at the time and on reflection are different, especially when I feel hurt and vengeful but I'm trying to be better about those things.

The third female friendship that I'm gonna detail now (jesus, why is my life suddenly filled with complicated relationships with women?) is also someone I've kinda stepped back from. To clarify, my female friendships are actually going amazingly rn, I have a really solid squad, with some new people and people I wouldn't have expected, as well as ones that have been around for ever and it's hella supportive and wonderful. I think it's only because I have so many that there are some that do feel complicated.

Anyway, this one isn't really a big deal because it's not someone I would consider a close friend. Maybe a good friend but someone I see more due to shared interests and friends rather than because we are close, intimate friends who spend late nights talking online and having coffee. I thought we were headed in that direction this year and things were looking good, but we ended up having the big disagreement. It's a debating thing where basically, she showed that she didn't trust me with this responsibility, and didn't respect the job I was doing or my opinions. In return, I felt like she'd let power go to her head and that she was acting irrationally and hurtfully. I even ended up symbolically 'quitting' the job, I was like, okay fine, drawing the line, either I get my way or I quit, and then I did which felt very powerful and good because I genuinely felt strongly and in the right.

It wasn't something that should have affected our friendship necessarily, it was like a 'work' thing, rather than a 'personal' thing, but it leaked through for me. I find it harder to trust her and believe in her motives now. We still are close in some ways, and I trust her from some stuff, but not everything and now I'm on the fence about whether or not I want to pursue her as a close friend. Just like with the previous girl, we still see each other a lot and are friendly, but I feel more hesitant now. It sucks, and in this case, I wish I could get over it but I think what I foresee is just a continuation of life as normal until either the business fight crops up again which it could (I might bring it up myself because I have recently discovered that I love drama, and also I like resolving conflict #therapist) or if she were to reach out to me and take our friendship to the next level, ie hanging out outside debating just us for fun, then I would be up for it, but I don't think I'll take the first step, the way I had intended to before this all happened.

Everything with the boy is good. Sex is super great, and I think it was one of my best decisions of 2k15 to get into the relationship, even though it does come with some complications. I have like four things I need to talk with him about. I'm really bad at communication so I'm much better at creating a running list of things that I'm not mentioning (4) than actually talking to him, even though he's like the chillest person on the planet and open to anything I have to say?

But apart from that, it's a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together and sleep over a lot but also hang out for non physical reasons. We were on the same team for the National debating competition and did really well together and I tell him all my problems all the time, so it works well for me.

Anniversary of Liz's death was this week. I haven't been too cut up about it, though I felt quite depressed today and didn't leave the house. It's hard to know if that's connected. I've had a week of just feeling down and so tired, despite getting enough sleep. I'm trying to work through it. I do little things to appease grief, like wearing black and ribbons, braiding my hair, visiting the cemetery. Liz knows I love her, I don't need to do much more to really express it.

Okay, that's enough updates. Literally all i care about is the state of a bunch of my relationships, what else matters in life really?

Why do some friendships have to be such a dramatic struggle

God I miss Marija.

Our fight is so massive and also so stupid I have no idea how to fix it or if it's something that's supposed to be fixed.

She's angry,  incredibly deeply betrayed, that I didn't take her side completely in her break up with Ben and that I said all the wrong things at the time. I hate that so much, that she's mad my advice was bad, that I didn't know what to say. She's saying that I'm a bad friend because I didn't know her well enough to know what was right and how I should have responded more appropriately. Maybe that's true, clearly I didn't know well enough what to say. Should I have known, in order to call her my best friend?

I just feel that is so deeply unfair. No one knows the right thing to say always and Liz was dying that week and I had a lot of emotions about everything that I couldn't detach and not be empathetic to both sides and I didn't have it in me to be endlessly patient and lie and say I always agreed with her when I didn't or not mention his name or defend things when I thought it made sense to.  I wasn't in a place where I could shut up and she's wrong when she said I didn't have any reason to side with Ben cos he didn't mean anything to me,  but the thing is, that's not how it works for me. If I know you, I'm going to care. And with Ben, he is my friend, even if we aren't close at all, and as well as that I'd seen up close how Mia's actions had torn him apart so I was hardly un-invested and this year I've seen more of Ben than Mia so my position was and is different to the rest of her friends who could choose a side and call it quits. I've never chosen a side in my life.

And it's not just because I need to be liked. Maybe that's part of it but I genuinely find it impossible not to find empathy for both sides in most cases. Unless someone raped someone or maybe cheated, I'm pretty much gonna find ground somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's difficult for someone who can only process the anger part of things to accept but that's me. It's not like this is the first time I've exhibited this reaction, and she and Ben's break up was literally the furthest thing from Ben's fault or Ben's wrong so it wasn't easy to not do that. And so I was shit at faking it I guess.

Honestly I thought I took her side more than an objective person would by a mile and didn't do a bad job at all but that's not what she thinks and well,  I don't know how I can argue that, but I supported her every step of the way in my mind, that she had to do what was best for her. That's my job right? Not to be a yes man but to be honest and give advice and objectivity?  I didn't realize what she needed was help radicalising and agreement that she was right and that Ben was wrong and that she was the victim and blameless and I don't think a best friend has to go along with that to be a best friend. And she never gives me that when I want to do something out there.

And I'm so frustrated because I still feel like the scale that tips to show who deserves to be mad at who is still firmly on my side, that she was so absolutely shit to date Ollie, and to lie to me about it and to make me feel so humiliated and hurt. And I'd be over it, I want to be over it, but she made this fight like I'm in the wrong and I'm not, okay, I'm just not.

I've realised that Mia is a selfish person, in that she thinks it's the right moral code for people to have, not just for her but for everyone. If she wants something, it's fine to go for it, even if it hurts people because she's okay with them choosing themselves too. But that's not how I see it, that's not how I'd ever treat her and that makes it so unequal, because I have limits on the things I would do that I want, if they hurt her and she doesn't. I'm not as important to her and she is to me and that's shitty. I mean, I think she feels like that with everyone but it makes for a shit friendship and it doesn't come up much because most of the time you aren't in a situation where it's going to matter, but then a situation like this happens and then it becomes evident and it just breaks things. I don't believe in prioritising other people over yourself all the time, but like, she shouldn't have done things the way she did. You don't treat your best friend like that.

Despite all that, and tons of people telling me she's toxic and maybe this is for the best, I still want to be friends with her. I miss her. She's my person. God, I cried in the car tonight because I felt so upset about the state of things.

I worry that she's someone who doesn't get that you have to choose to keep a relationship good. You can't hold onto all the bad stuff all the time, and let things just play out. You have to find ways to put it behind you and prioritise the relationship over whatever past wrongs you see, if you value keeping the relationship. I'm scared she doesn't value it and just like I've had times of thinking that maybe we're done, with sad acceptance, that she's done the same and put us in the 'done being bffl's' box. If she's done, I want to know. I'm willing to do the heavy lifting on getting us back to good, but it's not something I can do without her wanting it and I don't know if she does.

God I'll be furious if she doesn't though. Like, who could through away a 10 year friendship over this bullshit? Who could throw away me?

I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good friend and if she doesn't value me then fine, but she should. I can't make her but she should.

So I don't really feel like talking about all aspects of my life. Mental health is in a bad place really, has been for the last two months basically. Not badly, but I just am not on track right now and it's so hard to get back so it's depressing.

My birthday was wonderful, I spent it with a bunch of different friends/ family and just had a really nice day. I'm officially 22. How strange is that? And to think, my blog description still says I'm 18. I have my party happening next week, and Jen will be back for that (the reason I am holding it so late), and it's a joint birthday with two friends, though one of them went into inpatient care today for the foreseeable future so I'm not sure if she'll be able to leave there for the party for the evening or not. I'm really looking forward to having Jen back, i think that'll be really lovely.

Things with the FWB has been good. Sex is so silly but also good and obviously, super fun. It's definitely something that's interesting to think about and I'm happy with where that relationship is and that it's working. I try to check in with myself a lot with it, just because it is an odd situation and if something starts heading down a weird path of feelings, I want to know about it ASAP. Like, last week we hung out four nights in a row, which was nice, but after that it was like, 'wow, now what do I do with myself, it's been so long since I slept at home' and I didn't like that feeling. I couldn't really nail down why which bothered me, because I was like 'it's not because I have a crush and I miss him, is it?' which I was almost certain wasn't true but I couldn't work out what it was otherwise.

Now I think I've worked out why it makes me mildly uncomfortable and it's not about feelings, it's just because I don't like relying on people to be part of my everyday that are only there sometimes. It just puts me off balance and I don't like putting too many eggs in the basket of the person with whom I'm sleeping with most likely for a limited amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly worried that we won't continue to be friends, but it's just the type of relationship type that's less trustworthy for longevity than regular friendship. And obviously, we aren't going to sleep together forever, I personally would prefer it to be over soon, because that means I met someone I wanna be in a relationship with which is goal 1.

I mean, I'm gonna be in an open relationship approximately never.

We talked about it this morning and both of us were basically like, yeah this is still good and working out, and as far as sleeping over too many nights or too much in a row, he was kinda like (and this is something I've also thought) well, it just makes sense, like, if you have the choice between sleeping alone and having someone come over and sleep with you, even if it's just sleeping, it's just nicer, if there's no opportunity cost. So I understand why we do it, I just worry it may make things too intense, even though there is no line blurring or whatever in terms of romantic feelings, the only drawback is the way it makes me feel like something is missing when I don't have it?

Yeah, I think that's the thing. Good, glad I worked that one out. I may have to talk to him again to clarify that's what I meant when I said it was too much, rather than what I actually said which was that it was boundary blurring, which isn't really true, nor what I meant and which kind of sends the wrong message,

Also, things with Mia. She didn't get into Masters, which I feel is going to set things back because we were getting back into a good rhythm, but now I think she's gonna withdraw a lot to deal with her disappointment. It sucks balls that she didn't get in. Like, she can still do 5 + 1 and she was pretty accepting of that a month ago but then i think she got renewed hope so it was difficult for that to be crushed. I really need to do well in Honours.

Oh yeah, I got into Honours. Pretty big deal, I was stressing out. I'm pretty excited to get started. I mean, terrified but also a lil bit keen.

So for the last month, I have been thinking  a lot about the sex/virginity thing.

Obviously it's dumb to hold one specific type of sexual act up as particularly special and novel, like it has some specific meaning and intimacy that nothing else does and that how and when you do it actually says something about who you are as a person and the value that you have. Firstly, just because it's arbitrary as fuck. Secondly, because I know that it's a concept invented by men hellbent on controlling women and any shame and stigma attached are directly linked to that.

Obviously  I've internalised some pretty shady stuff that makes me want to please old, white men by being 'good', even though obviously rationally there's nothing I'd love more than to stick it to those people by being subversive (I'm not very good at being bad tbh). If I could chuck out all expectations and valuation attached to penetrative sex, I would. It's very irritating to me that the ideas and values I have surrounding what I think it's supposed to mean don't detach easily, despite reason.

But anyway, like a month and a bit ago when this FWB thing started, I kind of approached it with a 'I am still kind of a virgin and I want to make sure I make the right choices' attitude. And I totally communicated that and it was totally fine with them, it's all on my schedule and what I need to make it work for me, and so I've been racking my brains ever since then trying and trying to work out exactly what I actually need so that we can make it happen.

It's been very frustrating.

I've written like a million lists and mind maps (you really cannot imagine all the mind maps) and tried to sort myself out with like 100 hours of emotional leg work trying to sort out in my head what my hesitations are. Spoiler alert, there were many of them, some rational, many irrational, all relevant in my considerations. Obviously my goal is to make a decision that I'm happy with, that I feel comfortable with, that I'll be pleased with afterwards and for the rest of my life theoretically. So I had to assess whether I was making a choice for good reasons, not for reasons of grief or sadness or wanting to force intimacy, or for reasons about making myself feel validated or sexy or whatever. I had to make sure I was happy to lose it to someone who I don't love or am in a relationship with. I had to make sure it was to someone I was really attracted to, and that meant dealing with the LucySexualCrisisof2k15 aka this is the year Lucy is into girls no exceptions, so I had to check in and make sure guys still get me hot. Being bisexual is a never ending road of bewildering attraction.

And so then it became about lots of other considerations that were more practical. Firstly, contraception obvi. And where. And when. And finalllllllllllllyyyyyy I've worked out what I want.

Because before I told him, I need to be wined and dined. And I think I kind of had this idea that even though we're obviously not a couple or romantically involved, this one time it had to feel like that in order for it to feel okay. Even at the time I realised that was pushing it and super awkward, but I didn't know what else it was that I wanted. I didn't want it to be nothing, I strive to make things idyllic because I'm kind of a massive idealist. And so I said that was what I wanted and he was like, yeah that's fine (even though I don't think it really is, he probs should of shut me down). I don't want to feel like I'm aspiring for girlfriend levels of grandeur. I honestly, truly am not interested in him as more than a friend. We're too different. Instead, what we have is a pretty good friendship. The kind that doesn't rely on agreeing on everything and enjoying all the same things the way you need to in a best-friendship or relationship, where you have to be really compatible and agree with their major life choices. When you are just friends with someone, you can step back and be like, well I don't agree with what you're doing on that thing and that one part of your life is of no interest to me but it doesn't matter because when we hang out, we have fun and that's kind of all that matters with our level of investment.


That's what this is like. We're good friends with some shared interests i.e. debating and we're super on the same page regarding most major values and social justice issues. That's enough that we have trust, we care that the other is happy and their needs are being met and that good outcomes occur for not just ourselves but each other. That's what you need for FWB in my opinion. We're close enough that trust and companionship is there, but it's not likely to develop into feelings.But, there's no reason to test that and try to slot any romance goals in there. That's not the need that he is there to fulfill, it'd be super weird to want that and I actually don't so???

So, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, how can I make this sex thing happen, where I get an outcome where I feel really, really intimate and positive, and can say I did it in a meaningful way with someone who meant something to me and that felt symbolic of greater things than the first time I allow someone to mash their genitals into mine.

And today, I finally found an answer. I've actually written this whole explanatory post just to get to this conclusion and see if it makes sense.

Firstly, the idea was that I needed to feel intimate. How do you feel intimate with a friend in a way that isn't romantic? You find something that is meaningful to you and that you want to share with them, and you do it. One of the major reasons that this person and I got close this year is because he was really there for me when Liz died. He was actually the best and I have really strong and vivid memories of him comforting me and making me feel like he really understood and empathised with what I was going through and was hurting too.

Segue but when I was 15 I wrote this story. In it basically everyone was dead, except for me and this guy and in this story, I choose to have sex with this person and I basically have the exact same dilemma, how do I make this meaningful and satisfying? What I do in the story is I took him down to this beach that Liz and I used to go to every year, on our first night of the holidays before sunset, where there was this big rock, like, massive, 6 metres tall. And every time we would climb it, and we'd just sit and catch up and look out at the waves and dare each other to stand up which was super scary because we were kind of high and there was always the sea breeze. In the story I use the standing up on the rock as a metaphor for bravery and learning to let go and the whole talking about our lives and memories and families a way of forming intimacy that isn't necessarily about romance but about shared understanding.


This quote is kind of on point.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

I always feel like this, but nothing makes me feel less alone and more satisfied than when I feel someone actually does get it, or is trying to get it or at least has some understanding of what matters to me and what I'm built from. My fifteen year old self was on point, she knew what she wanted then and it's actually almost the same as what I want now.

I mean, it's just a story but it did actually spark my idea in conjunction with me thinking that I really wanted to go visit Liz sometime soon. Take flowers to her grave and talk for awhile, you know. I think maybe if I take him with me, get takeaway for dinner and then come back to my place and everything is clean and I look pretty, that's what I want and I'm pretty sure that's something that I can get.

I know obviously that a cemetery date isn't exactly sexy, but you know what turns me on, more than dicks do? People who loved the people that I love, and people that love Liz. People that understand who I am, right at my core and that who I am is because of who she was to me.

I don't think asking for it to go down this way will exert any hardship for the boy, I don't think it is at all romantic, at least not more romantic that hanging out with someone in a meaningful way that you are going to have sex with later ever can be. It's still a weird question, what is the difference between friends that sleep together and a couple, beyond intention? Something to philosophise on.

I am very pleasantly surprised that just working out a way to do this, actually removed a lot of the extraneous concerns that I had about whether or not I wanted to do it. I feel like part of me was at the point of, maybe you should just NEVER do it, its never going to be good enough, and another was like, just get the fuck over yourself and do it next time you see him, who cares if it is meaningful or remarkable. Now I know what I want and if I can just manage to communicate it to him then we should be all g, unless I'm missing something obvious. If I am, I'm sure he'll let me know.

Lucy out, hope you enjoyed my latest TMI into the overthinking that goes into my sex life.

-----

So...... I did it. Fist bumps all round.

And I did it just how I wanted it basically in terms of the lead up. We went to see Liz, went to see a movie, had dinner at my house and then netflix-ed and chilled. Voila.

The overall experience was like 6.5/10, will try again. I mean, it hurt a bunch and some of it was somewhere between pain sensation and just outright nerve sensation and I was like, I don't know if I like this, part of me kind of wants to say stop but it wasn't at all traumatic or anything and I know it's all uphill from here. Even though some of it just felt so dumb and silly, I'm glad sex is a thing.

In terms of regrets, I can't say that I have any. And I'm not freaking out or catching feelings or needing reassurance, it's just like... okay so now I've done that, well done me. My friends and I have a Summer Bucket List with 106 sex items on it so far, and I have a lot to tick off ;) My friends and I are also way too kinky for our own good, we were looking for inspiration for items online and were basically like 'TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, errrrrrrrrppppppppppppp'. So our lists have a lot of really out there stuff on them. But me and the FWB are totes up for most of them so I'm gonna win the summer challenge for sure.

I had to leave really early this morning for volunteering which was lame so now I really need a nanny nap and at some point i assume I'll talk to the bae and make sure we're chill. I mean, I'm sure we are, and like, I kissed him goodbye and stuff when I left (he was still sleeping in) but I wish he'd checked in. Even Nathan, the fuckboy one night stand texted me all the day after to make sure I was good.

I mean, I am good. But i would still appreciate a debrief now that it's the light of day :)

So things in my life are pretty weird right now. I have an assignment due in 24 hours which I have no idea when I am going to do due to catching a flight to Brisbane early tomorrow, and I should be doing it now but I just cannot bring myself, it's strange. And awful, because failing now could ruin everything I've ever worked for, but I just cannot bring myself to care, I have assignment PTSD and cannot face it.

Going to Women's tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to for forever. Brisbane with my lady friends, we're gonna have a ball. We're gonna wreck, I'm looking forward to some hopefully good results!

Mia and I are also sort of back on track which is awesome. Last week I was really down about it, like I'd accepted that we were never going to be best friends again, it was too broken. Ben and I even talked about it, kind of. He knew she was dating Ollie and in the first time in history he took my side in anything against her and said it was a shitty thing for her to do, especially since it's her track record, since she'd also done it when she started dating him, despite me having real serious feelings. Which was also odd to acknowledge. I mean, of course he knew about it, probably at the time, but it was an unspoken thing because obviously, embarrassing and awkward. But when we were talking about the whole thing, us not being friends anymore, I think I must have said something like, it's not the first time she's done it and I couldn't let that go, and then Ben agreed and was like, (for the benefits of the others we were with), yeah, since you've implied it, and then went on to acknowledge that whole thing and say Mia treated me badly, which was like woah, did pod people invade?

But this week after some fun gossip worthy events occurs (which I will get to), I decided to message her and entice her into talking to me by spilling the beans on the gossip and demanding a D&M. She didn't reply straight away and I'd basically given up when she did reply and split the whole story, leading to like a 3 hour catch up about everything, and she gave me all the advice I'd needed her for. I mean, that wasn't a lie, I really did need her opinion. She's a psycho but she knows me best and she gives straight up advice. Most people are just like, listen to your gut, and say good luck. Mia doesn't really do backseat friendship, she just straight up gives her honest opinions and while she did tell me some things that I didn't particularly want to hear, it was what I needed. I didn't want to make a major decision without her, she's my best friend and I've never been alone to make decisions about my love life or sex life without her direct input. Is that codependent? Maybe, but she's my best friend, she's important to me and her opinion matters. I didn't want to let something major go by without acknowledging that she should know about it. And it was the right decision I think, to bond over something like this.

Now onto what this is. I've ended up falling into a friends with benefits relationship with one of my male debater friends. We hooked up the first time on Saturday night, he slept over Wednesday night and honestly, in the next few weeks, I'll be very surprised if we haven't started sleeping together. As in sex, because we already sleep together. I mean, we could have had sex last night if I'd wanted it, only I'm still not sure and am waiting until I am. Not that I held back particularly much, beyond lack of penetrative sex lets be real. I still consider myself a virgin, and my lack of experience means that I do still want something special. This is super fun, and we're mates, but it's not love. Oh, did I mention he has a girlfriend. Don't worry though, you may be thinking, fuck Lucy, back to the old standby, are you insane, but it's okay, it's an open relationship so I'm not doing anything wrong except that I cannot catch feelings due to there being no chance of them being reciprocated. I don't have feelings now to be clear, and I honestly thought it wouldn't be a problem at all, but Mia thinks for me, feelings are inevitable and the end will be super messy. And since we are in the same friend and social group, that will be bad. Maybe it'll end like that, but I hope not. And I do have hope that this will go on just as long as I want it to, and when I become bored or over it or I find someone new, I end it gracefully and we both move on no questions asked, no feelings hurt. Hopefully that is not SUPER naive.

I just need a 'for now', and I need experience and fuck, I need sex. The more I nearly get it, the more I realise that I really, really want it. Like, on a regular basis. I want my chance to be kinky outside of my own head or page. And I feel so confident when I'm naked and on top of a guy. I don't know why I find that so empowering but when my tits are in that guys face, I'm like, I really am desirable and this guy is lucky that I am here with him. Maybe if I feel that more, I'll start feeling it in real life too. So yeah, more sleepovers in my future hopefully.

Okay I think that's all my news. Oh, I'm still being really healthy, eating right, gyming a lot, losing weight. I want to be skinny and I will be. And fit. So that's good. And no more shrink (I'm cured, I'm cured!!) because I am doing better and will hopefully be able to continue to handle things.

Xoxogossipgoat