So I'm updating this blog after the longest break I've ever taken from it.
I can't really pinpoint why exactly I stopped feeling like I wanted to or needed to blog, or why I chose today to start a new post, but here goes.
The first thing to start with, since it is relevant to where I last left you in the saga of my life, is that Mia and I have made up again. I know the last year has been a lot of back and forth "we're friends again", "we're fighting again" "we're friends again". I can't guarantee that won't continue, I mean, who knows, but it seems like things are much better and settled. Mia seems much more like she's made a choice to pursue our friendship and like she wants things to be as they were. I don't really harbor ill feelings over anything-- though I say that with the caveat of if things do go badly again, I think they would be factors again, in that the major fight and issues will continue to exist as elements of our friendship and its history, which isn't erased with forgiveness, so like, if she were to hook up with someone I'm into, even 20 years from now, I would be pissed, but for the most part, I think it makes for a mature friendship to decide you still like each other after things are bad and you realise the friendship isn't an inevitability, but a choice. It's like a marriage, it doesn't just work on its own, you have to put in effort to move past things and focus on the good.
It's funny though to go back to talking most days because that's what I missed most when we were fighting, it was knowing that all the same little struggles were occurring in her life, like all the things she messages me about now, but I didn't know what they were when we were fighting. I like little things. That's when I feel like I know someone so I find it hard to fight and know that's not what you have anymore with that person.
But anyways, for now, all good.
My other female friendship that I developed in the absence in Mia actually has ended the opposite way, with complete crashing and burning. It was a risk I took to become close friends with someone that I knew was known for sporadic friendships that could run hot for awhile but turn cold in an instant but because I've never had a bad female friendship really, I mostly disregarded the warning signs because it's never been my experience. Consistency is the most accurate word to describe 99% of my relationships.
So I try to think of what happened as a positive thing. This girl was there for me when I didn't have many other people I felt I could be close to (without Mia and Jen, my pool of close friendships felt suffocatingly smaller I guess) and despite being someone who took a lot of emotional energy, we had fun and she was a good bae, because I felt like I could be very honest with her and shared a lot of insecurities and worries, because she was sharing a lot back. When things ended, we both felt the other was in the wrong, but since it's my blog, I expect my readers hold the assumption that I am endlessly reasonable and always right. It left a bad taste in my mouth and has made a lot of situations frustrating since, because it wasn't a clean fight and I feel I got character assassinated a bit, but I will admit that among our mutual friends that are closest to me, I kinda fought back. No one ever really leaves a fight with completely clean hands I would say.
Basically I had the option of making up with her. I think if I'd have grovelled a bit or taken responsibility for it all, she would have accepted it, but the idea of that felt ludicrous and like something I would never do. I have way too much pride tbh to take responsibility for something I felt strongly wasn't my fault. And like, maybe for Mia I am willing to put in a lot of work, but Mia's been my bffl for a decade, this girl, as much as I thought we were close and I liked her, I didn't feel much when she betrayed the friendship and subsequently ended it. Having Mia back probably softened the blow, especially since Mia does employ the strategy she wants me to take in fights she is involved with-- she took my side 100% and let me bitch. So my impetus for reconciliation was low and I felt like I was being mature by being like 'look, I've washed my hands of the whole friendship, clearly I am unable to treat her as she need to be treated and while I wish her the best, I am glad to be out." Hopefully that is the case, and I can look back a year from now and say that was a mature decision. Sometimes what I think at the time and on reflection are different, especially when I feel hurt and vengeful but I'm trying to be better about those things.
The third female friendship that I'm gonna detail now (jesus, why is my life suddenly filled with complicated relationships with women?) is also someone I've kinda stepped back from. To clarify, my female friendships are actually going amazingly rn, I have a really solid squad, with some new people and people I wouldn't have expected, as well as ones that have been around for ever and it's hella supportive and wonderful. I think it's only because I have so many that there are some that do feel complicated.
Anyway, this one isn't really a big deal because it's not someone I would consider a close friend. Maybe a good friend but someone I see more due to shared interests and friends rather than because we are close, intimate friends who spend late nights talking online and having coffee. I thought we were headed in that direction this year and things were looking good, but we ended up having the big disagreement. It's a debating thing where basically, she showed that she didn't trust me with this responsibility, and didn't respect the job I was doing or my opinions. In return, I felt like she'd let power go to her head and that she was acting irrationally and hurtfully. I even ended up symbolically 'quitting' the job, I was like, okay fine, drawing the line, either I get my way or I quit, and then I did which felt very powerful and good because I genuinely felt strongly and in the right.
It wasn't something that should have affected our friendship necessarily, it was like a 'work' thing, rather than a 'personal' thing, but it leaked through for me. I find it harder to trust her and believe in her motives now. We still are close in some ways, and I trust her from some stuff, but not everything and now I'm on the fence about whether or not I want to pursue her as a close friend. Just like with the previous girl, we still see each other a lot and are friendly, but I feel more hesitant now. It sucks, and in this case, I wish I could get over it but I think what I foresee is just a continuation of life as normal until either the business fight crops up again which it could (I might bring it up myself because I have recently discovered that I love drama, and also I like resolving conflict #therapist) or if she were to reach out to me and take our friendship to the next level, ie hanging out outside debating just us for fun, then I would be up for it, but I don't think I'll take the first step, the way I had intended to before this all happened.
Everything with the boy is good. Sex is super great, and I think it was one of my best decisions of 2k15 to get into the relationship, even though it does come with some complications. I have like four things I need to talk with him about. I'm really bad at communication so I'm much better at creating a running list of things that I'm not mentioning (4) than actually talking to him, even though he's like the chillest person on the planet and open to anything I have to say?
But apart from that, it's a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together and sleep over a lot but also hang out for non physical reasons. We were on the same team for the National debating competition and did really well together and I tell him all my problems all the time, so it works well for me.
Anniversary of Liz's death was this week. I haven't been too cut up about it, though I felt quite depressed today and didn't leave the house. It's hard to know if that's connected. I've had a week of just feeling down and so tired, despite getting enough sleep. I'm trying to work through it. I do little things to appease grief, like wearing black and ribbons, braiding my hair, visiting the cemetery. Liz knows I love her, I don't need to do much more to really express it.
Okay, that's enough updates. Literally all i care about is the state of a bunch of my relationships, what else matters in life really?
I can't really pinpoint why exactly I stopped feeling like I wanted to or needed to blog, or why I chose today to start a new post, but here goes.
The first thing to start with, since it is relevant to where I last left you in the saga of my life, is that Mia and I have made up again. I know the last year has been a lot of back and forth "we're friends again", "we're fighting again" "we're friends again". I can't guarantee that won't continue, I mean, who knows, but it seems like things are much better and settled. Mia seems much more like she's made a choice to pursue our friendship and like she wants things to be as they were. I don't really harbor ill feelings over anything-- though I say that with the caveat of if things do go badly again, I think they would be factors again, in that the major fight and issues will continue to exist as elements of our friendship and its history, which isn't erased with forgiveness, so like, if she were to hook up with someone I'm into, even 20 years from now, I would be pissed, but for the most part, I think it makes for a mature friendship to decide you still like each other after things are bad and you realise the friendship isn't an inevitability, but a choice. It's like a marriage, it doesn't just work on its own, you have to put in effort to move past things and focus on the good.
It's funny though to go back to talking most days because that's what I missed most when we were fighting, it was knowing that all the same little struggles were occurring in her life, like all the things she messages me about now, but I didn't know what they were when we were fighting. I like little things. That's when I feel like I know someone so I find it hard to fight and know that's not what you have anymore with that person.
But anyways, for now, all good.
My other female friendship that I developed in the absence in Mia actually has ended the opposite way, with complete crashing and burning. It was a risk I took to become close friends with someone that I knew was known for sporadic friendships that could run hot for awhile but turn cold in an instant but because I've never had a bad female friendship really, I mostly disregarded the warning signs because it's never been my experience. Consistency is the most accurate word to describe 99% of my relationships.
So I try to think of what happened as a positive thing. This girl was there for me when I didn't have many other people I felt I could be close to (without Mia and Jen, my pool of close friendships felt suffocatingly smaller I guess) and despite being someone who took a lot of emotional energy, we had fun and she was a good bae, because I felt like I could be very honest with her and shared a lot of insecurities and worries, because she was sharing a lot back. When things ended, we both felt the other was in the wrong, but since it's my blog, I expect my readers hold the assumption that I am endlessly reasonable and always right. It left a bad taste in my mouth and has made a lot of situations frustrating since, because it wasn't a clean fight and I feel I got character assassinated a bit, but I will admit that among our mutual friends that are closest to me, I kinda fought back. No one ever really leaves a fight with completely clean hands I would say.
Basically I had the option of making up with her. I think if I'd have grovelled a bit or taken responsibility for it all, she would have accepted it, but the idea of that felt ludicrous and like something I would never do. I have way too much pride tbh to take responsibility for something I felt strongly wasn't my fault. And like, maybe for Mia I am willing to put in a lot of work, but Mia's been my bffl for a decade, this girl, as much as I thought we were close and I liked her, I didn't feel much when she betrayed the friendship and subsequently ended it. Having Mia back probably softened the blow, especially since Mia does employ the strategy she wants me to take in fights she is involved with-- she took my side 100% and let me bitch. So my impetus for reconciliation was low and I felt like I was being mature by being like 'look, I've washed my hands of the whole friendship, clearly I am unable to treat her as she need to be treated and while I wish her the best, I am glad to be out." Hopefully that is the case, and I can look back a year from now and say that was a mature decision. Sometimes what I think at the time and on reflection are different, especially when I feel hurt and vengeful but I'm trying to be better about those things.
The third female friendship that I'm gonna detail now (jesus, why is my life suddenly filled with complicated relationships with women?) is also someone I've kinda stepped back from. To clarify, my female friendships are actually going amazingly rn, I have a really solid squad, with some new people and people I wouldn't have expected, as well as ones that have been around for ever and it's hella supportive and wonderful. I think it's only because I have so many that there are some that do feel complicated.
Anyway, this one isn't really a big deal because it's not someone I would consider a close friend. Maybe a good friend but someone I see more due to shared interests and friends rather than because we are close, intimate friends who spend late nights talking online and having coffee. I thought we were headed in that direction this year and things were looking good, but we ended up having the big disagreement. It's a debating thing where basically, she showed that she didn't trust me with this responsibility, and didn't respect the job I was doing or my opinions. In return, I felt like she'd let power go to her head and that she was acting irrationally and hurtfully. I even ended up symbolically 'quitting' the job, I was like, okay fine, drawing the line, either I get my way or I quit, and then I did which felt very powerful and good because I genuinely felt strongly and in the right.
It wasn't something that should have affected our friendship necessarily, it was like a 'work' thing, rather than a 'personal' thing, but it leaked through for me. I find it harder to trust her and believe in her motives now. We still are close in some ways, and I trust her from some stuff, but not everything and now I'm on the fence about whether or not I want to pursue her as a close friend. Just like with the previous girl, we still see each other a lot and are friendly, but I feel more hesitant now. It sucks, and in this case, I wish I could get over it but I think what I foresee is just a continuation of life as normal until either the business fight crops up again which it could (I might bring it up myself because I have recently discovered that I love drama, and also I like resolving conflict #therapist) or if she were to reach out to me and take our friendship to the next level, ie hanging out outside debating just us for fun, then I would be up for it, but I don't think I'll take the first step, the way I had intended to before this all happened.
Everything with the boy is good. Sex is super great, and I think it was one of my best decisions of 2k15 to get into the relationship, even though it does come with some complications. I have like four things I need to talk with him about. I'm really bad at communication so I'm much better at creating a running list of things that I'm not mentioning (4) than actually talking to him, even though he's like the chillest person on the planet and open to anything I have to say?
But apart from that, it's a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together and sleep over a lot but also hang out for non physical reasons. We were on the same team for the National debating competition and did really well together and I tell him all my problems all the time, so it works well for me.
Anniversary of Liz's death was this week. I haven't been too cut up about it, though I felt quite depressed today and didn't leave the house. It's hard to know if that's connected. I've had a week of just feeling down and so tired, despite getting enough sleep. I'm trying to work through it. I do little things to appease grief, like wearing black and ribbons, braiding my hair, visiting the cemetery. Liz knows I love her, I don't need to do much more to really express it.
Okay, that's enough updates. Literally all i care about is the state of a bunch of my relationships, what else matters in life really?
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