So last entry, I lied a little bit. Maybe lied is the wrong word--I omitted.
When I said that things with the FWB was good, that was true, but actually, things were getting quickly complicated with it because I got a crush and started being all weird and listening to songs that reminded me of him and staring at his Facebook icon all the time to see if he was online, even when I had no intentions of starting a conversation.
I really am not good at healthily expressing crushes because I don't know how to flirt and I find power imbalance off putting and intimidating, except in sex, when that's the best part, so when I have feelings for someone, I ignore them and am extra mean, so they have no evidence they can hold against me if they start to suspect.
I don't do this on purpose, it's reflexive and not very mature, I agree. I'm working on it.
But being that this isn't just someone I know but someone I'm in a close and intimate relationship with that only functions without drama when there is a system of open honesty, I did a really, really mature thing and told him I had feelings for him. If I could highlight this as evidence of how much of a changed, mature person I am, I would, because this is big.
This was also really sucky for me because I figured it spelled the end of the sex part of our relationship, which is a really excellent part of our relationship and also of my day, but in the interests of myself long term, I knew it was for the best because feelings grow and it gets harder to stop something nice the more you want it. I had to get out while I was still rational enough to make the call, it's like when you get bitten by a zombie. Do you hide it and eventually turn and infect the rest of your group or do you tell the truth and get put out of your misery? If you're not a douche, you tell. So I did.
I comforted myself with the knowledge that I was being hella mature, and being direct and honest is a real step forward for me, like really solid growth as a human being in relationships with other human beings. Liz is fucking thrilled for me rn.
All my girls were in agreement that it had to be done so it was mostly a matter of deciding if it was dishonest to sleep together one last time before I told him, which I decided was okay and also I really, really wanted to. So the next morning I did the 'we need to talk' thing and explained that FWB couldn't work for me anymore because I wanted more and that was a path to unhappiness if he couldn't ever give me more, so we pretty much had to go back to just being friends.
HOWEVER, it now gets interesting because he surprised me and said maybe we could make it work and find a compromise that suited both of our needs. But I was kinda difficult in that my needs were 'I want a relationship and won't be satisfied with anything that isn't that'. Actually, I take back that I was kinda difficult. It's not difficult or being a pain to want something, it was perfectly legitimate to put it out there that I wanted that and I won't let patriarchal views of what women are allowed to want to make me feel bad about expressing myself.
Surprisingly, that wasn't the end of the conversation. I can't remember how much I've explained the situation of my sex bae, but basically, he's in a poly relationship with another person, which means that he is able to sleep with or date other people while maintaining the integrity of that relationship. So dating wasn't off the table, which was the first thing he said after I told him I had feelings.
I hadn't been sure about that, like how willing he was to date other people, and obviously my self esteem would never let me be like, maybe he would want to date me specifically? But that's kind of what happened. He ended up needing a week to think things through, which was hard because it gave me a lot of time to also doubt, but in the end when he said that we could make things work and he wanted to try, I was into that.
So after (dear god) five years without dating anyone, voila, I'm in a relationship.
The true friends with benefits cliche, but better that cliche than "someone always gets hurt". I don't know exactly how this is gonna play out, it seems like something that may go well but may also just not be the right fit, but it's worth trying.
So far it's been like a week, and we've been hanging out slightly more than before, but not ALL THE TIME, which is about right I think. The hardest thing I find is working out a new way of interacting? It's hard to explain and I feel like not everyone has this issue, but I'm so used to kind of ignoring bae when we're not at home, like actively choosing to sit by someone else in order to maintain a reasonable distance. Now I don't have to do that theoretically. Like, it's not weird to sit next to your boyfriend, that's their whole thing, being your partner at things. It still feels embarrassing though a little, and like 'is this cool??" So we've still got a zero PDA thing happening, which I hope will change. Not in a gross way, just in a feeling comfortable holding hands in public way, making-it-obvious-we-like-each-other way.
I feel like up until this point, 90% of our interaction is interaction in private. There's this song, "Four Walls' by Broods, that I always identify this situation with, in that I feel like our whole relationship has developed almost solely within the four walls of his bedroom. So I know what we are in that environment and it's endlessly comfortable and intimate, and I don't just mean sex, but like, that's where we hang out and watch movies and debate and tumblr and basically just spend our time. The other 10% is like, debating related, group chills, and going to dinner with his friends stuff, which is nice but mostly plutonic bro stuff.
So now it's translating a larger portion of our relationship to the 'real world', so we don't just exist as our own little self-defined entity. Like, he has to meet my friends and do things as my SO and vise versa, but also just make it clear when we are with debating friends that we are a thing.
So the next conversational challenge I have is asking him what he is okay with. We have debating later tonight and it would be super nice to make it obvious that we've had a change in relationship status i.e. kiss hello, hold my hand for no reason etc. My belief about relationships is from a tumblr post that was decrying all the dumb tropes about relationships where your partner is your enemy, like someone you have to play mind games with. it was all like 'literally wtf, your partner should be like, your partner in life, the one you are on the same side as, the one you don't have to do that BS with.' which I truly do agree with, which means it shouldn't be what I want vs what he wants, and how do I best win, it should be a mutual thing we talk and agree on.
Ah well, this is good for me, all this new space to grow as a person.
When I said that things with the FWB was good, that was true, but actually, things were getting quickly complicated with it because I got a crush and started being all weird and listening to songs that reminded me of him and staring at his Facebook icon all the time to see if he was online, even when I had no intentions of starting a conversation.
I really am not good at healthily expressing crushes because I don't know how to flirt and I find power imbalance off putting and intimidating, except in sex, when that's the best part, so when I have feelings for someone, I ignore them and am extra mean, so they have no evidence they can hold against me if they start to suspect.
I don't do this on purpose, it's reflexive and not very mature, I agree. I'm working on it.
But being that this isn't just someone I know but someone I'm in a close and intimate relationship with that only functions without drama when there is a system of open honesty, I did a really, really mature thing and told him I had feelings for him. If I could highlight this as evidence of how much of a changed, mature person I am, I would, because this is big.
This was also really sucky for me because I figured it spelled the end of the sex part of our relationship, which is a really excellent part of our relationship and also of my day, but in the interests of myself long term, I knew it was for the best because feelings grow and it gets harder to stop something nice the more you want it. I had to get out while I was still rational enough to make the call, it's like when you get bitten by a zombie. Do you hide it and eventually turn and infect the rest of your group or do you tell the truth and get put out of your misery? If you're not a douche, you tell. So I did.
I comforted myself with the knowledge that I was being hella mature, and being direct and honest is a real step forward for me, like really solid growth as a human being in relationships with other human beings. Liz is fucking thrilled for me rn.
All my girls were in agreement that it had to be done so it was mostly a matter of deciding if it was dishonest to sleep together one last time before I told him, which I decided was okay and also I really, really wanted to. So the next morning I did the 'we need to talk' thing and explained that FWB couldn't work for me anymore because I wanted more and that was a path to unhappiness if he couldn't ever give me more, so we pretty much had to go back to just being friends.
HOWEVER, it now gets interesting because he surprised me and said maybe we could make it work and find a compromise that suited both of our needs. But I was kinda difficult in that my needs were 'I want a relationship and won't be satisfied with anything that isn't that'. Actually, I take back that I was kinda difficult. It's not difficult or being a pain to want something, it was perfectly legitimate to put it out there that I wanted that and I won't let patriarchal views of what women are allowed to want to make me feel bad about expressing myself.
Surprisingly, that wasn't the end of the conversation. I can't remember how much I've explained the situation of my sex bae, but basically, he's in a poly relationship with another person, which means that he is able to sleep with or date other people while maintaining the integrity of that relationship. So dating wasn't off the table, which was the first thing he said after I told him I had feelings.
I hadn't been sure about that, like how willing he was to date other people, and obviously my self esteem would never let me be like, maybe he would want to date me specifically? But that's kind of what happened. He ended up needing a week to think things through, which was hard because it gave me a lot of time to also doubt, but in the end when he said that we could make things work and he wanted to try, I was into that.
So after (dear god) five years without dating anyone, voila, I'm in a relationship.
The true friends with benefits cliche, but better that cliche than "someone always gets hurt". I don't know exactly how this is gonna play out, it seems like something that may go well but may also just not be the right fit, but it's worth trying.
So far it's been like a week, and we've been hanging out slightly more than before, but not ALL THE TIME, which is about right I think. The hardest thing I find is working out a new way of interacting? It's hard to explain and I feel like not everyone has this issue, but I'm so used to kind of ignoring bae when we're not at home, like actively choosing to sit by someone else in order to maintain a reasonable distance. Now I don't have to do that theoretically. Like, it's not weird to sit next to your boyfriend, that's their whole thing, being your partner at things. It still feels embarrassing though a little, and like 'is this cool??" So we've still got a zero PDA thing happening, which I hope will change. Not in a gross way, just in a feeling comfortable holding hands in public way, making-it-obvious-we-like-each-other way.
I feel like up until this point, 90% of our interaction is interaction in private. There's this song, "Four Walls' by Broods, that I always identify this situation with, in that I feel like our whole relationship has developed almost solely within the four walls of his bedroom. So I know what we are in that environment and it's endlessly comfortable and intimate, and I don't just mean sex, but like, that's where we hang out and watch movies and debate and tumblr and basically just spend our time. The other 10% is like, debating related, group chills, and going to dinner with his friends stuff, which is nice but mostly plutonic bro stuff.
So now it's translating a larger portion of our relationship to the 'real world', so we don't just exist as our own little self-defined entity. Like, he has to meet my friends and do things as my SO and vise versa, but also just make it clear when we are with debating friends that we are a thing.
So the next conversational challenge I have is asking him what he is okay with. We have debating later tonight and it would be super nice to make it obvious that we've had a change in relationship status i.e. kiss hello, hold my hand for no reason etc. My belief about relationships is from a tumblr post that was decrying all the dumb tropes about relationships where your partner is your enemy, like someone you have to play mind games with. it was all like 'literally wtf, your partner should be like, your partner in life, the one you are on the same side as, the one you don't have to do that BS with.' which I truly do agree with, which means it shouldn't be what I want vs what he wants, and how do I best win, it should be a mutual thing we talk and agree on.
Ah well, this is good for me, all this new space to grow as a person.
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