God I miss Marija.
Our fight is so massive and also so stupid I have no idea how to fix it or if it's something that's supposed to be fixed.
She's angry, incredibly deeply betrayed, that I didn't take her side completely in her break up with Ben and that I said all the wrong things at the time. I hate that so much, that she's mad my advice was bad, that I didn't know what to say. She's saying that I'm a bad friend because I didn't know her well enough to know what was right and how I should have responded more appropriately. Maybe that's true, clearly I didn't know well enough what to say. Should I have known, in order to call her my best friend?
I just feel that is so deeply unfair. No one knows the right thing to say always and Liz was dying that week and I had a lot of emotions about everything that I couldn't detach and not be empathetic to both sides and I didn't have it in me to be endlessly patient and lie and say I always agreed with her when I didn't or not mention his name or defend things when I thought it made sense to. I wasn't in a place where I could shut up and she's wrong when she said I didn't have any reason to side with Ben cos he didn't mean anything to me, but the thing is, that's not how it works for me. If I know you, I'm going to care. And with Ben, he is my friend, even if we aren't close at all, and as well as that I'd seen up close how Mia's actions had torn him apart so I was hardly un-invested and this year I've seen more of Ben than Mia so my position was and is different to the rest of her friends who could choose a side and call it quits. I've never chosen a side in my life.
And it's not just because I need to be liked. Maybe that's part of it but I genuinely find it impossible not to find empathy for both sides in most cases. Unless someone raped someone or maybe cheated, I'm pretty much gonna find ground somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's difficult for someone who can only process the anger part of things to accept but that's me. It's not like this is the first time I've exhibited this reaction, and she and Ben's break up was literally the furthest thing from Ben's fault or Ben's wrong so it wasn't easy to not do that. And so I was shit at faking it I guess.
Honestly I thought I took her side more than an objective person would by a mile and didn't do a bad job at all but that's not what she thinks and well, I don't know how I can argue that, but I supported her every step of the way in my mind, that she had to do what was best for her. That's my job right? Not to be a yes man but to be honest and give advice and objectivity? I didn't realize what she needed was help radicalising and agreement that she was right and that Ben was wrong and that she was the victim and blameless and I don't think a best friend has to go along with that to be a best friend. And she never gives me that when I want to do something out there.
And I'm so frustrated because I still feel like the scale that tips to show who deserves to be mad at who is still firmly on my side, that she was so absolutely shit to date Ollie, and to lie to me about it and to make me feel so humiliated and hurt. And I'd be over it, I want to be over it, but she made this fight like I'm in the wrong and I'm not, okay, I'm just not.
I've realised that Mia is a selfish person, in that she thinks it's the right moral code for people to have, not just for her but for everyone. If she wants something, it's fine to go for it, even if it hurts people because she's okay with them choosing themselves too. But that's not how I see it, that's not how I'd ever treat her and that makes it so unequal, because I have limits on the things I would do that I want, if they hurt her and she doesn't. I'm not as important to her and she is to me and that's shitty. I mean, I think she feels like that with everyone but it makes for a shit friendship and it doesn't come up much because most of the time you aren't in a situation where it's going to matter, but then a situation like this happens and then it becomes evident and it just breaks things. I don't believe in prioritising other people over yourself all the time, but like, she shouldn't have done things the way she did. You don't treat your best friend like that.
Despite all that, and tons of people telling me she's toxic and maybe this is for the best, I still want to be friends with her. I miss her. She's my person. God, I cried in the car tonight because I felt so upset about the state of things.
I worry that she's someone who doesn't get that you have to choose to keep a relationship good. You can't hold onto all the bad stuff all the time, and let things just play out. You have to find ways to put it behind you and prioritise the relationship over whatever past wrongs you see, if you value keeping the relationship. I'm scared she doesn't value it and just like I've had times of thinking that maybe we're done, with sad acceptance, that she's done the same and put us in the 'done being bffl's' box. If she's done, I want to know. I'm willing to do the heavy lifting on getting us back to good, but it's not something I can do without her wanting it and I don't know if she does.
God I'll be furious if she doesn't though. Like, who could through away a 10 year friendship over this bullshit? Who could throw away me?
I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good friend and if she doesn't value me then fine, but she should. I can't make her but she should.
Our fight is so massive and also so stupid I have no idea how to fix it or if it's something that's supposed to be fixed.
She's angry, incredibly deeply betrayed, that I didn't take her side completely in her break up with Ben and that I said all the wrong things at the time. I hate that so much, that she's mad my advice was bad, that I didn't know what to say. She's saying that I'm a bad friend because I didn't know her well enough to know what was right and how I should have responded more appropriately. Maybe that's true, clearly I didn't know well enough what to say. Should I have known, in order to call her my best friend?
I just feel that is so deeply unfair. No one knows the right thing to say always and Liz was dying that week and I had a lot of emotions about everything that I couldn't detach and not be empathetic to both sides and I didn't have it in me to be endlessly patient and lie and say I always agreed with her when I didn't or not mention his name or defend things when I thought it made sense to. I wasn't in a place where I could shut up and she's wrong when she said I didn't have any reason to side with Ben cos he didn't mean anything to me, but the thing is, that's not how it works for me. If I know you, I'm going to care. And with Ben, he is my friend, even if we aren't close at all, and as well as that I'd seen up close how Mia's actions had torn him apart so I was hardly un-invested and this year I've seen more of Ben than Mia so my position was and is different to the rest of her friends who could choose a side and call it quits. I've never chosen a side in my life.
And it's not just because I need to be liked. Maybe that's part of it but I genuinely find it impossible not to find empathy for both sides in most cases. Unless someone raped someone or maybe cheated, I'm pretty much gonna find ground somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's difficult for someone who can only process the anger part of things to accept but that's me. It's not like this is the first time I've exhibited this reaction, and she and Ben's break up was literally the furthest thing from Ben's fault or Ben's wrong so it wasn't easy to not do that. And so I was shit at faking it I guess.
Honestly I thought I took her side more than an objective person would by a mile and didn't do a bad job at all but that's not what she thinks and well, I don't know how I can argue that, but I supported her every step of the way in my mind, that she had to do what was best for her. That's my job right? Not to be a yes man but to be honest and give advice and objectivity? I didn't realize what she needed was help radicalising and agreement that she was right and that Ben was wrong and that she was the victim and blameless and I don't think a best friend has to go along with that to be a best friend. And she never gives me that when I want to do something out there.
And I'm so frustrated because I still feel like the scale that tips to show who deserves to be mad at who is still firmly on my side, that she was so absolutely shit to date Ollie, and to lie to me about it and to make me feel so humiliated and hurt. And I'd be over it, I want to be over it, but she made this fight like I'm in the wrong and I'm not, okay, I'm just not.
I've realised that Mia is a selfish person, in that she thinks it's the right moral code for people to have, not just for her but for everyone. If she wants something, it's fine to go for it, even if it hurts people because she's okay with them choosing themselves too. But that's not how I see it, that's not how I'd ever treat her and that makes it so unequal, because I have limits on the things I would do that I want, if they hurt her and she doesn't. I'm not as important to her and she is to me and that's shitty. I mean, I think she feels like that with everyone but it makes for a shit friendship and it doesn't come up much because most of the time you aren't in a situation where it's going to matter, but then a situation like this happens and then it becomes evident and it just breaks things. I don't believe in prioritising other people over yourself all the time, but like, she shouldn't have done things the way she did. You don't treat your best friend like that.
Despite all that, and tons of people telling me she's toxic and maybe this is for the best, I still want to be friends with her. I miss her. She's my person. God, I cried in the car tonight because I felt so upset about the state of things.
I worry that she's someone who doesn't get that you have to choose to keep a relationship good. You can't hold onto all the bad stuff all the time, and let things just play out. You have to find ways to put it behind you and prioritise the relationship over whatever past wrongs you see, if you value keeping the relationship. I'm scared she doesn't value it and just like I've had times of thinking that maybe we're done, with sad acceptance, that she's done the same and put us in the 'done being bffl's' box. If she's done, I want to know. I'm willing to do the heavy lifting on getting us back to good, but it's not something I can do without her wanting it and I don't know if she does.
God I'll be furious if she doesn't though. Like, who could through away a 10 year friendship over this bullshit? Who could throw away me?
I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good friend and if she doesn't value me then fine, but she should. I can't make her but she should.
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