Just an update on things bothering me right at this moment

So, what's the happenings in my life.

Eh.

Things with boy have come to a halt. I tried to invite him out but he was busy, and he really isn't meeting me halfway so clearly he isn't interested and I'm backing off. I'll revisit the idea when uni starts back in March. Hopefully I'll be skinnier then and he can be like whoa, Lucy is attractive, let's consider her for dating material.

My greater hope, above that he'll be into me if I was skinnier, is that I actually get to test that theory by becoming skinnier. This last 18 months have been horrific. I hated my body when I left for exchange, and I came back 5kg (at least) heavier than a weight that was horrifying already. I mean, I enjoyed every minute of British confectionary and oven cooked pizzas for dinner, but it never is worth it.

So, there is a change a'coming hopefully. I say that about five times a year. I always hope this time will be it. I'm stupid and optimistic, so I have faith.

I mean, I don't always hate my body. Mostly I like it and think I'm cute or sexy or whatever, but only with half a brain. The other half is 100% tuned into the 24 hour channel of knowing the truth and hating myself for it. The thing is, I genuinely do think I have a problem and I really should have called the psychologist when I got the referral but in my opinion, it's bad form to give a girl you've just diagnosed with anxiety and ED a phone number and tell her to call and arrange her appointment privately.

Like, that just makes sense not to give people with social anxiety phone calls to make about a situation they are unlikely to be comfortable or accepting of.

I also just want to deal with it myself, even though I know it's so stupid to do that when I know seeing someone else and letting them help will be beneficial to both my goals and my mental health. Pride is my downfall here I suppose, which sucks, because mental health, especially my own, is super high priority for me.

I also kinda want to talk about my bffl but on the other hand I'll feel guilty if I do because I'll be saying bad things and it's like with you-know-who, it was great when we were together but then when I was alone or with the bffl and she'd ask, so why didn't you ask that, why didn't this happen?, I'd realise there were serious red flags and problems and actually it wasn't okay, and now the same thing is happening, except she is the one who is the problem.

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it, everything bad, every niggle, and I was seriously at the point of 'well, maybe we should stop being best friends for a few months and just not talk for awhile' but I countered that with, 'but who would I hang out with otherwise?' so literally, I am just keeping on for the sake of having my partner in crime.

But that isn't the whole situation either, because I do love spending time with her, we get on better and more easily than anyone else I know. It's just difficult when the flaws seem to be more obvious, our disagreements larger (over social/political topics), and any snubs more hurtful than ever before.

It's a best of times, worst of times thing. And really, after her needing space earlier in the semester and me saying the worst thing was that she did it passive aggressively, clearly I need to confront this or seem like a hypocrite, but it's hard.

Like, the night we got high, I had an amazing time personally, but all the negative parts, which were primarily that she was kind of a bitch and literally kicked me off when I put my head on her knee when she was leaning back against her boyf, when all I wanted was some kind of touch and comfort, because everything was so sensory but also because I was anxious of something going wrong, and that she just went to bed with the boyf, told me to let myself out in the morning because she wasn't planning on playing host, leaving me with just a drug dealer in the room, who she didn't know if he was also planning on sleeping there with me or not.

I think what I miss from her most is genuine considerations. I always come below the boyf, always come below her needs and sometimes, it's like she has no idea what I need at all and no wish to accomodate it if she did. Regardless, I don't think I'd ever get high in that group again because there really was no one there if I needed them. I couldn't have counted on her and that's a shitty state of affairs with your best friend, you know?

But when I saw her and we talked, all I said was that it'd been amazing and great, and she never asked how I got home when she didn't wake up til 1pm or how I was. I was just disappointed in her and maybe she'd think that's stupid but that's the deal, that's real, that's how I feel.

I need to stop comparing her to Jen. It's an awful habit.

I don't want to stop being friends with the bffl. I just need things to change. And not just me getting a boyfriend so she is no longer my most important friend and her being absent is no longer an issue. I have other friends who always get it, who take my hand with they know I'm sad, who recognise exactly and pay attention and rate my feelings above spending time with their boyfriend for a bit. Like, my friend Sarah, I'd love to get high with her, because I know exactly how it would be and feel and at the end she'd cuddle me and make sure I was happy and doing good if I wanted her too.

She just has a much bigger zone of acceptance and approachability and like, can prioritise multiple people. See, like, the bffl doesn't like her, thinks she's boring. I don't think that at all. I think she's kind. She's a Hufflepuff I think.

My bffls a Slytherin, no question.

Well, that's all that's on my mind right this minute. I need sleep.

If me and the bffl play squash tomorrow, I really need rest first. (and see? if I ditched her over the Summer, my Summer would suck. You know people who don't break up with their partner because it's so convenient having a person. I don't have a 'real' person, I just have her, but still, I can't ditch her. Friendship of convenience)

yeah so this happened

So I got high. Like, I'm high right now. Rightttttt nowwwww.

You know how some famous authors are like, I always wrote drunk, its part of the genius and some people say it makes you better. If its anything like being high, and obviously I should be able to compare them now and NO it's not but anyway, both still are the same in this way-- I can't imagine anyone anything other than sober writing something profound.

this is so hard!

fuck me all i want is to record this,

i feel so half and half, both fuzzy and focused and robotic and also loose. Like, i feel so controlled, like I control every inch of my body and can feel it all. It's worrying because I then have to position it all seperately, like my toes and my neck, but also my fingers are like moving perfectly smoothly over the keyboard. Though theyre failing at their job because they keep missing the right letter and sometimes they just stop like they get tired or are on strike.

And I feel so stupid, like I know Im being awful but I cant be anything else. Like when Bella becomes a vampire and she's under morphine and she is aware of it all  but can't scream or tell anyone that she's in pain.

But its not that I'm in pain beyond the fact in a room with a bunch of people who will judge me for moving and touching and I have to restrain it and it's so powerful. I've never felt so tactile and everything feels sensual as anything, like all I want is to lie down and close my eyes and just feel everything

sorry i cant concentrate for long, i feel like im on skins

Everything is like floaty but heavy. Like being in side a suit of armor. Like I'm pooh bear tied to balllons so I can float up the honey tree but instead tree roots are creeping up my ankles like devils snare.

I'm scared that my eyes are so red in the mirror and my teeth feel like i want to crunch them. Like they're fragile.

But my mouth feels so dry, like my tongue is parched and my gums and my throat is like a desert. I just want to drink and I'm so scared I'll drink too much water and die.

_____

Well, that was my evening. I wanted to write more, I had like a million more things that I wanted to say, but unfortunately that didn't happen. As much as I wanted to spend my evening borrowing a laptop so I could keep recording my experience, it was genuinely difficult to write.

For context, in kind of a spur of the moment plan, my bffl and I made brownies with an extra kick and with her boyfriend and a few of his mates, we got high and watched South Park.

It was my first time and while I've been open to the idea for a year or so, I was still quite guilty about it. Not morally guilty, guilty because it's against the law and I'm a goody two shoes at heart.

But it was lots of fun, even if I wouldn't do it again in a situation like that. I think it could be better if you were just with one person, or alone, and you could just be high non judgementally and explore all the ways being high is awesome, but I felt quite self conscious. Unlike being drunk, which takes all that away, I felt frustrated with everyone for acting like idiots, even though I understood it, and I couldn't relax enough to just feel everything.

Also, I stand by my earlier opinion that it's a gateway drug. Everyone tried to tell me that it's not, and maybe it's not in that you can't get addicted (easily), but I remember standing in the bathroom thinking, 'gosh, if this is what marijuana is like, what about LSD? Ecstasy? Why doesn't everyone want to feel like this all the time?'

Even then, I knew that was a terrible thought. But like, the sensory overload and the not so much 'tripping', but just everything is slightly out of reality, the 'I can hear colours' or whatever the cliche is, was very cool.

Not that I'm going to do it again, any time soon. While I try not to judge people, the kind of people who smoke and do drugs is never going to be my crowd and it's never going to be the kind of person I want to be. I've tried it now, and I'm glad I did, but it's not me and to be honest, I enjoyed it too much for my liking and drug addiction isn't on my list of life goals, so don't expect to see much more about recreational drug use here.

Boys ruining my life with their drama

Every year, I tend to have like three posts about my birthday, the preparations and lead up and the follow up and whatnot but this year I haven't and I kind of want to, just to keep with tradition and to debrief after what really was a major event, but I'm not going to.

Instead, I want to talk about something else. Someone else actually.

It won't be a particularly long post, because for all I know, they could see this and that would be super awkward, but I haven't felt like this about someone ever, it's like, butterflies and super cute crushing and he's so good looking and charming and tall and funny and smart and he doesn't have flaws okay? It's a real problem.

I don't know how to tackle this, but he makes me want to. He makes me what to just tell him straight up and maybe I would have if things had gone as planned at my b'day. I want to date him and I want to sleep with him and I want to know all his secrets and thoughts and opinions and I want to do things together and be friends and I want him to know me and I want to go on car rides and swim at the beach and go hiking and I just see it all and I want to do it with him, and I know that's crazy, but I do.

He's just a good person, that's enthusiastic about things and kind and sweet and laid back and I could go on but I already sound like a stalker. I just like him.

The problem is that I'm confident he'd be good for me but I don't know what exactly I'm bringing to the table and that's the part that always makes me insecure and stops me from going for it. I don't want to be turned down and mostly that's because I don't want to be told no and imagine all the reasons why he'd say that, that had to do with me not being good enough.

I didn't used to have thoughts like that but it's what they say I guess, the first time you going for it, you're fearless but after a heartbreak, it's always harder because you know exactly how much it can hurt. It's just nice, having the thought of him. It's been nice all term and I hope it'll only get better, and then maybe actually progress into something.

------

Writing this on a new day but the content is still my love life so I'll lump them together. Something very unexpected happened. You know who and I talked all afternoon. Like, over four hours worth of conversation.

A few days ago he said happy birthday, I said thanks, and didn't go on. I didn't want to encourage conversation, I didn't want to ask how he was and send out the envoy. I'm better than that.

But today he did. Like, completely. I didn't put any effort in at first, I just figured I'd answer his questions, see what happened. But it was really nice. He put the effort in to have a conversation, he replied immediately like I was important, and that matters to me.

And it was an honest conversation too. Like, he acknowledged how long it's been since we talked, and about a year since we've seen each other, we talked about why I unfriended him earlier in the year and how complicated our relationship has been.

try to stop periodically unfriending you

Haha that'd be good not sure what I did to deserve the last one

Idk we hadn't talked in forever and i was like, well I guess we're done, see ya

No offense intended

That's understandable ... I'll keep better in touch this time

it also worked out well to have a period of no contact, specially in combination with going overseas and having a whole new life, just because it really gave me a chance to work out my feels towards complicated friendships like ours

And it really helped me clean slate everything

Well it was worth it then

Which is why I added you back in the end

Well good, it was better when it wasn't complicated

Lol I don't even remember when it wasn't tbh

Really ? Well I was pretty oblivious so maybe I just didn't notice for a while

Well my head is a weird place haha

Better than just being a pretty face

Tru dat

But now all I want is to be friends with you, and for things with this guy to work out romantic styles and everything is super simple, voila

So that was good, I'm glad. Maybe we can be friends, just like I wanted when I started this blog back in 2011.

There is something super hopeful about that.

What I am thinking about today, on the eve of my 21^st birthday is toughness.

That may sound like an odd topic, but a) come on, I’ve made over 300 posts, sometimes things are going to be a bit of a reach, and b) no seriously, this is going to be a good post. Give it a chance.

I had my work Christmas drinks last night, in lieu of the big mall Christmas party, which was cancelled due to lack of interest. It was a really, genuinely fun night. I had a great time. I was the last to arrive—my day yesterday was so terrible, I won’t go into it, but at 5:45 all I wanted to do was close my bedroom door and throw myself onto my bed and weep. It was that kind of day.

But I’d said I’d go to the drinks thing, so I put on a dress and did my hair and got a taxi and made it to the Illawarra, which is actually a bar before it turns into a club, who knew? It was the three of us girls that work at my work, plus my Boss, his wife, who is also my boss really, and another employee from the other store, which my Boss’s wife runs. So just the six of us.

I get along very well with both the girls I work with. Stacey I’ve known for three years now, and she used to be the primary school best friend of one of my current BFFs so that was a fun connection for us. Cat and I also have those weird connections of her being the roommate of a girl I knew quite well, and we both worked at the same other job, back when I was a waitress, though we never worked together as I left basically as she started. But due to those connections, we have a lot of mutual friends.

And I’ve been working at my job for three years now, so it’s a comfortable place for me. This drinks thing was new. Seeing your boss drink is like seeing a teacher drink. You know they do it but seeing it and interacting with it is a different ballgame.

I’m going to get to the theme of the entry in a minute, I swear, I just need to set up the context.

So, Michael, my boss, is shouting us, which was incredibly nice of him, because we drank a lot. And once he got drunk, it was so obvious. But in a funny way, just like he was louder and his words were slightly, slightly slurred.

And we were talking about other jobs, because unlike me who had this job as my first job, the other two worked since they were 14 and had a whole range of crappy jobs and like, how they’d finish their shift and come home crying because of all the getting yelled at and stress and what not, which I honestly cannot relate to.

Like, I complain here a little bit, like a month or to ago saying work was stressful because Michael had turned up the stress-o-meter, but really, it's not bad. And this last month, I've enjoyed more than ever. Especially now exams are over, the two girls who are newer at my work are gone for the summer and it's back to just the core cast of Stacey, Cat and I. We can do 4 shifts each a week, and it's great. I mean, it doesn't get split exactly like that- I work a bit less because I live at home and have no financial responsibilities. Like, Stacey doesn't go to uni so this is her 'job', not just her on the side, casual thing, like it is for me, and Cat rents, so she needs more, which Michael understands and adjusts shifts accordingly. That means less for me, but I don't mind. Besides, I'll be earning a cool $23 an hour from tomorrow.

Anyway, Michael was saying that Stacey is too thin skinned, like if he tells he off too harshly, she'll cry. Michael puts the most pressure on her definitely. Cat, it amazed me when he said it because she's just a loud, opinionated, tough cookie type person, but he was like 'no, Cat mostly holds it together and doesn't take it personally but occasionally I have broken her'. (I know that sounds bad, but it was a joke kinda, he's a tough boss and he knows it). And Jesus, these are two of the most put together people I know, like, that he gets under their skin, I was shocked.

But not as much as I was when he said, 'but Lucy, no, she's the toughest of the lot of you, maybe the toughest I've ever had, she never takes it personally. When I get onto her, she just puts her head down and takes it on board and works harder."

And I was like, what.

And I said something like, well you always give me so much slack compared to everyone else, which I think is true, but he was like, 'no, I pushed you more than anyone and most people just quit but you just kept showing up.'

I don't know. I think it's a matter of other people seeing the highlights reel of my achievements and I see all the weird stuff like anxiety over calling work to get my shifts each week. 

But also I think I shouldn't discount compliments. I think a lot of the time I do just dismiss out of hand compliments and think about an insult a million times and that's silly and not helpful.

I mean, he did follow up with criticism about my lack of focus and constant being off with the fairies, a phrase I heard over and over throughout my childhood but I am trying to take that on board and be a bit more with it. I rebloggged a post on tumblr like, last week, that was like 'I wish someone could just follow me around for a week and like, objectively tell me what I'm like and how I come across and what sort of person I am', and I think what Michael said, for both better and worse, is a bit like that. So I'll take it gratefully :)

I need to write a post about my birthday now but I hadn't finished writing this post yet so I had to get this one out first otherwise I know I would never have finished it.

Lucy out.

Holidaying highlights

So I had a hella fun time down the coast.

It was the end of year SWORDS getaway for debating, down in Callala Bay. There were 16 of us and we had a great time, swimming at the beach and playing card games and drinking wine and eating copious amounts of bacon and chocolate.

I also made out with a girl, which is kinda cool. It was Truth or Dare, on the last night. I know we are well beyond the game, at least in the sense that you play it as a 15 year old, where Truth or Dare is 'tell me who you like or perform a weird sexual act', but we mostly just did Dare's, because no one is bothered by anything these days, and kissing is pretty chill. Ben, who is our president, made out with about four dudes, because his girlfriend finds gay chicken hilarious. It's like their way of spicing up their love life. Obviously in regular life they can only be with each other, so they get their kicks out of kissing people of their own gender that they aren't attracted to. That way, neither of them are threatened by the other kissing someone else and they get to experience kissing someone else. That's how I see it anyway, and I applaud it, purely because I like people that don't react with stupid no homo responses.

I did a body shot off another guy, but that was fine, he was relatively attractive and it was just licking the salt off him really. I really did want to kiss him though, just because he looked like someone who would be a really good kisser. Not someone I wanted to date or like or whatever, he is too wholesome for that, but some people just seem like nice kissers.

Unfortunately now you can't say to your best friend, 'hey I want to make out with so and so, make it happen',  the way you could in the early years of high school when that kind of situation manipulating was the norm, so you are at the whims of fate a bit. I came out pretty well though, when she dared me to kiss whatever girl I thought was most attractive. I don't think she was doing it to be a bro exactly but she did well regardless. It was no better or worse than anyone else I've ever kissed, but it was a girl, so that made it hella more exciting.

It's strange really, that it took this long for me to actually kiss someone of my own gender, at least since puberty. I'm so equal opportunity with attraction, like, there were two people I wanted to make out with last night, and one of each gender. And both pretty much equally. Though I do think about going further with guys, like, maybe not with much realism, but like, with guys it's more like, yeah I'd fuck you, but with girls, its like, I just want to kiss you and bask in your perfection.

I also spent a lot of time in the spa bath with all my gal pals, drinking wine. If we all absolutely squeezed, we could get all four of us into the bath at the same time and turn the bubbles on. On the first day, we got home from the beach and were like, to the bath! and then again on the last night, we stayed up to watch the sun rise but also we went to the beach at like 4am to see the bioluminescence in the water, so we just stripped down to our underwear and went in, which was very cute and rom com like.

It was so hard to stay awake though. I did make it and we went swimming again at sun rise, for a minute, but the fog was thick and we couldn't see the sun.

I got home about 1pm today and slept until 11 at night. Which sucks because my sleeping pattern is now completely fucked, but I was super sleep deprived after just going to bed late all the time and waking up relatively early. At least I'm not working tomorrow.

So I've just been having a long D&M with my mum. That isn't unusual, we're relatively close and now I'm an adult, we talk about pretty much most things.

This one was mostly about my Dad. Now my Dad is a funny guy. I don't mind that, I'm used to it I suppose, having never known any different. Like, he has some serious personality flaws that aren't readily apparent but if you stick around long enough, you really start to become aware of. Or you don't notice even then, in some cases, because of how well hidden they are. Like, I'm his daughter and there are still sides to him that I was really not that aware of, but when Mum and I talk I sometimes get a new perspective or learn something new that adds to what I know. Of everyone in the world, I'd say Mum knows Dad best.

My parents have been divorced for ten years, but they're still friends now weirdly enough. The last two years especially, my Mum got back into Bridge so now they share their main life hobby again and that means they see each other often.

Okay, so here are Dad's main flaws. Firstly, the one I really didn't suspect whatsoever, is that he's a problem gambler. Like, he always has been. before my parents were together, during their marriage, and after. Mum told me once before that after the divorce, when they sold our house (700k) back in 2003, they got half the money each obviously, but Dad gambled his half all away. Certainly by 2008 it was all gone. It's a weird thing to think, that a parent could do that.

Maybe I'll mix this up, and go flaw/attribute/flaw/attribute, so I don't feel like I'm completely hating on my father here. To be perfectly clear, I love my Dad. I accept him as he is and I would never want anyone else in that position.

My Dad is fiercely intelligent. He must have a high IQ. He's amazing at Bridge, and he's just quick. He could have been an awesome accountant or something. Both my brother and I got half our brains from him. Maybe more than half.

But he's never been able to commit to anything. Never went to Uni, even though Mum offered to support him through it completely, he dropped out of Tafe, and after he lost his long time job when his company went bankrupt in 2006/2007 ish, he's never had a job much better than minimum wage. Not that it would matter how much he made, since he spends it all. When my parents first got divorced, he did have a home for us and while it was rented, we did live with him Thursday night until Sunday morning every week, and that was fine.  A bit unorganised and whatnot, but fine. He got remarried in 2006 and that did not last at all, he had no money coming out of that, no furniture, no family pictures, all of that was gone. As well as that, when he moved in with her family, we only started seeing him every second weekend and basically, I've found out after from Mum, he basically chose her over his children.

Okay, that's getting sad. That whole thing never made sense to me because my Dad is a great father. I am confident that there is no female out there in the world he loves more than me, or that I could do anything that would make him stop loving me. He was a dedicated Dad to me as a child, playing catch with a tennis ball every night after he got home at 7pm, and reading to me every night too, though I don't remember that as much cos I was younger. Plus he was the parents that got us pizza every Friday so we could watch the football and did all the fun stuff with us. He bought me a Walkman and taught me to drive etc. He was also the one out of my two parents that wanted children. Mum was pretty against it I think, she was happy without and didn't ever want to do it without things being perfect but Dad always wanted babies. I remember Mum telling me that when she miscarried the first time, she'd been alright but he remember Dad going outside and being really upset.

He's just such a shit adult though. Like, he's really lucky and really well connected with people who will put him up, because he's super nice, even if it's so pathetic, but like, he lived a year housesitting for his step mum in one of her houses, in Canberra (so he was not around then) and another year or two in the granny flat at his sister's house, also in Canberra. He lived two years with my Mum's disabled brother, in the second bedroom there, which is weird, but alright I guess. F0r the last year ish, he's had a girlfriend locally and lived with her but that's on and off and the thing is, he is absolutely no doubt only with her because he needed someone to live with, because without that, he's homeless. And it's frustrating to me, as a woman and a feminist, to know that he's using her like that, and I know all she wants is a committed relationship, and he won't give her that, so they are off on off on and he doesn't love her. I very much doubt that he is faithful to her. Actually, I know he isn't.

So basically, my Dad gambles all his money away, I know that because he never has any and because when he can't borrow from anyone else and can't ask Mum (for more) he asks me. Sure, he pays me back but I'm his daughter, it's not appropriate. Mum is sure he has big debts, and from like, pay day loan places, all those types of places I couldn't imagine using ever. He has no stable place to live, it's just shit.

I mean, he pays when we go out for lunch and occasionally he'll give me a few fifties, like when I got home from exchange, but I know he's giving them to me instead of paying Mum back, and at this point Mum just accepts it. But the thing is, my Mum isn't at all well off, she's a single teacher and money is always a strain in our family, to an extent.

It's just sad to me that my Dad is this person who is so far from normal, that his family recognised it to the extent that they warned Mum away, that Mum had all the signs of lying, and gambling and debt and didn't let them dissuade her, like I'd hope it would any of my friends in the same situation. My Mum is smart too, and she had to act like a mother to Dad all those years, and to this day she has to help him. If Mum hadn't had Dad, she could have maybe had such a better life, a better marriage, a better house and savings, all of that. I'm not saying, she feels that regret, but if I do, and if anyone theoretically should be supporting the union of my Mum and Dad it should be me, since it resulted in my life occurring, but come on.

I suppose another thing for context is that my Mum is an alcoholic. It really makes my eating disorder make more sense, when you put all the addiction genes that have been passed on in this family. But like, it's never affected her parenting, or her finances, or her job or her anything. Like, if she can he a great, stable parents, whose biggest flaw is that she couldn't pick me up anywhere after dark because she'd be over the limit, than why the hell couldn't Dad?

Maybe that's unfair, but I'm really angry with him. he loves me, and yes, that is enough, that's the most important thing, the most integral part of being a parent, but if I was fucked up by my parents, he is taking 90% of the blame I swear to God.

Here is another fun fact, I used to think You-Know-Who was just like my Dad. All the bad things. All words, little substance. Much love, little follow through. Lies and lies and lies. That's only half the story though. I loved you-know-who for all the same reasons I loved my Dad too. It wasn't just the flaws, that I suppose I am conditioned to be more accepting of. All the positive things too, I saw them in you-know-who. I liked the way he talked to me, I liked his intelligence, his sense of humour. His sweetness.

Is that weird? Did I just admit to massive Daddy issues?

I don't think so. I think it's natural to search for the familiar, for things that remind us of our parents. Or alternatively, search out the complete opposite. Sometimes people go too far in reaction to their parents and overcorrect, or they end up much more like their parents than they like to admit. I don't think I'm any of those things.

I think I'm well adjusted. I'm like my Dad in a lot of ways, but not all. I'd never be loose with money and I'd never be able to be the kind of float-through-life type that my Dad is. I'm never going to be as neat freak as my Mum and my organisation skills might never be as good, but I hope very much that I continue to pick up those traits from her as I keep growing up, as much as I deny that to her when she nags me.

I don't know, I just wanted to get all this out. What is my blog for if not to talk honestly about things? It always sucks when parents are pulled from their pedestals but it has to happen. The trick is working out if you can still love and respect them afterwards, knowing who they are as people, not just as your parents.

Urgh, family.

Update because i have about 10 draft posts right now and i wanted to publish SOMETHING

So!

I have my stats exam I have barely started to study for worth 70% on Monday, and I have been entertaining myself during this time primarily through binge watching Scandal (which was amazing, holy shit, I'm really sad that I'm up to date now) and just watched Carmilla, which is a web show about vampires and gay girls on youtube that is mildly amusing. I got into the plot, even if the characters are are little 2D. I'm thinking I might start House of Cards, really get my fill of political dramas. I've also been successfully procrastinating reading Julia Gillard's new book, which I got signed when I met her earlier this week. That pretty much was amazing/inspiring/all those good things. I've known for a long time that I don't have the personality to be a politician, but sometimes I want to so very, very badly.

I feel like I have the passion for it. Actually, I want to be Mellie from Scandal, she's the First Lady but I'm hoping she's going to end up running for President herself eventually. So I suppose I want to be Hilary Clinton, but without the cheating husband drama to get through first. But no, I'm not career driven enough to be a politician, unfortunately. I couldn't be dedicated for a million years to maybe get a shot at the big time. And all the schmoozing and having to be friends with people, no that's not me. If only. I'm watching Obama's G20 speech right now and may cry. I could listen to that man speak all day long.

What else is happening for me? My bday is coming up, and that's getting organised which is exciting. Definitely the biggest event I've ever organised, though Mum did most of it, let's be real. I invited to person I like, which is the most exciting thing, and they're coming, which already puts them miles ahead of you-know-who, who cancelled on the last three of my birthdays, despite knowing how desperately I wanted him to come and that if he missed last year, it would be definitively three strikes and he's out. So if this new person shows up, they'll have already done more to show I matter to them than that person did in three years. The bar is very low, obviously.

I just feel really positive about things. Not that we'll get together-- I wouldn't even think to bet on that, the odds are terrible, but there's something there. I like having a new friend and while it's still very new, I definitely don't think it's completely one sided friendship. I'd say more but they know how to find my blog and I'm not interested in making things super weird.

It's not even at the stage of thinking about them much or changing any behaviours because I think it'll impress them or attract them, it's more like... it's a small slice of my life that when I think about it, it makes me feel very happy and content, like things aren't static and the possibility for change is there, but even as things are now, they're good.

Okay bed time. Let's not be the worst student and self sabotageur in the world.

NaNoWriMo.... I feel like I've used this as a blog title before, probably 2 years ago

So I decided to do NaNoWriMo this year.

I always mean to, but I never have any good ideas swirling at the end of October to throw myself into. This year, thankfully I do. The story I wrote while I was backpacking is still inspiring me, and while it is already 50 000, I wrote it using the writing advice I picked up somewhere along the way, of first writing for yourself as the author, to tell yourself the story. Only once that's done do you go back and actually write the story in a way that is coherent for another audience.

My best friend Megan has been asking to read it for months, which I was okay with. I mean, it's intensely personal but she's my best friend and I pretty much tell her everything I think regardless so I didn't think it'd be a problem. Only I did reread it and realise there were a few embarrassing things in there. Since it uses real people, and is based off real life, there is some embarrassing romantic content. Like, in it, Megan and I totally make out in Paris. I don't know how weird it is to write stories where you kiss your platonic best friends? I feel like it's weird. Like, I'd totally forgotten about it until I reread it, and I'm not harbouring a secret crush, I just feel like in this story, I would totally go there because we are much closer and I'm much more isolated and we've been soul mate-type best friends for 15 years prior and in-story it makes sense and totally plays out realistically (I get turned down because she has a boyf, it's a familiar storyline haha). Either way, I may need to cut it if I'm going to show it to her.

But also there is some weird sexual content. Again, completely valid for the story, it's exploring how an adult in a childs body would express sexual desire when everyone her mental age is off limits due to her child like body, and everyone her physical age is actually a child and is unable to consent and also not appealing, so there is a level of mental sexuality that has to be addressed. It's funny, I have no problem writing the sexual content but it's super embarrassing to let anyone else read it. Like, even though it's just a few lines here and there, stuff like 'I look at him and imagine him doing this with his that to my this', it's like, no thanks, I'll keep it to myself. I've only got like 2 friends that I'm straight up like 'yeah so I'm writing a hardcore gay threesome under the effects of a fuck-or-die sex pollen for a Wincestiel kink meme prompt' and even then, I probably wouldn't show them the final result. The only sex scene I've ever published was years ago, and it was a with-plot sex scene, even if it was a one shot. My cousin reviewed it and said it was very much 'making love' which was nice, if only to show how my taste has changed since 2010 haha.

Anyway, since obviously the story will be written over November, it's not much yet, but this is the link to my story, if you want to check it out, see how I'm going. Give me a kick up the bum if I stop updating the word count. I want to really give this a good go.

Most people would be like 'writing a novel during exam time? that seems like bad timing' but I'd disagree, I'm more productive during exam time than any other time of year. I always find a million other interests and hobbies during STUVAC than I have during the leisurely hours of Summer. Because I suck.

The last few days, I've been writing a post about how things have reached high levels of suck, which was taking me forever because it's hard to be motivated about writing down all the things that are making me unhappy, furthered by the fact that most of my problems are of my own making or are not so much problems as just being in need of a severe attitude adjustment because everything is making me sad.

However, I have left that post unpublished for now, because Taylor Swift's new album (which I have already ordered the Deluxe version of) leaked a few days early, so although the ethics of listening to an artists music that they don't want you to listen to yet are a bit murky, I have heard a bunch of the new songs, and since they were always going to be the soundtrack to the next two years of my life, I had my fingers crossed they were going to be good.

Thankfully, they are! My favourite so far is Track 3, Blank Space. It's clever because it is a satire, it's a song based on the personality of Taylor Swift that the media invented, the crazy girl who can't keep a boyfriend for more than a month, but it can also (and I'm sure it will) be played straight. Edit: I can confirm this, on youtube people are bitching that lyrics like 'I can make the bad boys good for a weekend' isn't fit for a role model. Idiots.

The album is completely pop, which I wasn't too enthusiastic about. I wasn't against it, but I love Taylor's ballads the most, and those are slower and more about the guitar, rather than being pop anthems. Plus, so much of Taylor's style is country, and the clever, clever lyrics and hooks. But she managed to do some really interesting things and I'm into it. What also helps is that Taylor has coincidentally managed to be in sync with my life and love stages. Red was the heartbreak album, and this is about being independent and happy and strong, and I like that. I mean, it's all still about love, at least most of the time, but not in a throes-of-agony, forcing yourself not to call them, type of heartbreak that Red was. I mean, my blog is called Mosaic Broken Hearts, because what I got out of that pretty phrase was that when your heart shatters, it stays that way, you put it back together but the cracks are still there.

I just found a new song, ooh. Because it was leaked, they pop up then get reported and taken down so I haven't heard everything yet.

The songs are still about past relationships, but it's more reminiscent than heartbroken if that makes sense. The final song Clean, for me at least, harks back to a very old song, Breathe, where the chorus was 'I can't breeeeaaaaathe without you but I have to' and now, this song is about being cleansed of all that, with the lyrics 'The rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think that I am finally clean.'

The whole album is great, it's thrilling. I really like Taylor Swift. Like, when I heard her speak for the first time in person, I burst into tears I was that overwhelmed. Now she's on Tumblr and is just so self aware and funny and in on all the jokes, I love her even more. She's excellent.

I don't like to rest my happiness on celebrities or tv shows or whatever, I know that when people do, it generally is because everything else in real life is shitty, but this is what's making me happy this week while everything else is just drudgery. 

eyyy im growing as a person

So today has been a productive day. I think recently I've mentioned a bit about how me and the bffl have been distant and things haven't been exactly wonderful in that relationship lately. Well, today, I confronted her about it, albeit by text, and we got it out. I'm really glad because it's just been unsatisfying and petty lately, like, she stresses and I don't, so then she gets annoyed at me for not doing my assignments with her because I don't want to do it a week early when I'm not in the mood, and then I get annoyed in turn because she's being judge-y, and then we refuse to speak about it. And all term, I've been dreading her asking me what I'm doing a certain day because if I said I was free, it'd mean she'd want to do assignments with me and I just wanted to hang out with her and eat doritos.

Though it was barely a fight, since it was just a few long texts each, it was actually kind of a 'turn the friendship on its axis' type arguments, when I really thought, well, what if I don't want to be best friends any more? Is this small fight indicative of a larger flaw that would be enough to say, this relationship isn't working for me, and I don't want to be best friends any more, I think this has run it's course."

I think because I have quite a few 'best friends', even though Mia is I suppose the most exclusive, I'm at the point where I could theoretically not be friends with one any more and be okay. Though Mia and I are so symbiotic and she is just like so there in my life even when we aren't together, it'd be like breaking up with my mum or something.

Our relationship isn't like perfect yin and yang, where every part of our personalities match and for a second when I sent her a long text that was basically like 'this hasn't been okay, if this is what our friendship is going to continue being like, I don't want it', I really thought, well maybe this is over, we aren't the same and maybe people just change until all of a sudden you realise that you're completely different and it's over.

But then she apologised and simple as that, I was okay with things again. I suppose I realised that people are never perfect and friendships can't be either. When I went on Exchange, it's true that I did kind of discover a different way that friendships could be, a way that I really liked, and to an extent I suppose that made me question how good Mia and I had it (something I always took as fact) because it wasn't like the friendships I made this year. Instead of being open and kind, Mia can't stand mushy feelings and her type of compliment is 'oh, you look decent for once, where did you get that top?', but that doesn't make it bad, just different and I have to take responsibility for half of our friendship. She can't totally shape it and if we start doing something that I don't like, it's my responsibility to do something about that.

I'm trying hard to be more honest and more direct with confronting these problems when they come up. If I make a New Years Resolution, that's what it will be (am I getting in to early, talking about NYE already?). Because it really isn't like me at all, I finish an important conversation with someone and I am compelled to overthink it, share it with 5 of my closest friends and then blog about it, before passively aggressively dealing with it through strategic cold shoulders. That's not the kind of adult I want to be, not at all, so hopefully this little fight and make up will serve as a positive example of not avoiding all emotional issues in the future.

So... things are going.

I suppose things are good. It's hard to judge when one facet of your life is terrible, how to judge the rest.

Obviously, the content of my previous entry continues to devastate me, but not every second of the day. Lizzy is one of my best friends and her circumstances are confusing and awful mostly because nothing is known for certain. If I knew that she was going to die 146 days from now, then I could make an action plan. If I knew she was going to get very sick but be fine, again, action plan. But as is, she could be fine, her drugs could work and I may never see her so much as cough. I can't put a probability rating on that though. Or things might be terrible or things could get suddenly bad or slowly bad or she might just announce one day that things have taken a turn for a worse and the prognosis is even more dire than it is now. But I don't know and that leaves me in a weird kind of limbo of everything being currently fine but the probability of it not being fine in the future much higher than before I  knew.

I spent the weekend with Lizzy at a debating competition in Sydney, Friday to Monday, which was excellent. I made some friends, improved as a debater, got drunk off my face repeatedly, and got to explore Sydney a bit, a city that I am really quite unfamiliar with, considering it's proximity to where I live. I really like debating, I like that I don't get nervous before speaking anymore at all. The first time I did it I was shaking like a leaf and now it's like, lets get up there and fucking destroy some logical fallacies. I'm still not great and maybe I'm not even good but I'm getting competent and confident and I know that I'm improving.

My friends lately have been weird. I was making my friend list for my birthday and I could only come up with 19 friends. And okay, I do have more, it's just that half of my closest friends are ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. But I am making more new friends than ever before and that is wonderful.

In terms of specific friends, Mia and I are being weird. Like, we're in different places mentally all the time. And okay, this isn't even a big deal but it hurt my feelings, and it wasn't awful of me because she knew I was on her phone reading her messages, but she didn't want to debate with me last week, at the first tournament we did. Her boyfriend/ president put us together and she went off at him because she'd told him specifically she wanted to be with anyone but me and he changed it so we both had different partners.

It just hurt my feelings, not because there couldn't be a reasonable explanation- like she wanted to make other friends or debate with someone with more experience- but because she didn't just tell me that she didn't want to and instead just made her boyfriend change the line up and not mention it. And I'd been begging her to be my partner for Women's but now I can't help but think, well maybe she just didn't want to go with me, and her excuses were just that, excuses. I just like people to be honest because I can never tell and later it makes me feel stupid for acting enthusiastic when the other person isn't.

I haven't talked to Jen much lately, but I've just been so busy. What I like most about Jen--well maybe not most but it's high on the list, is that I never feel insecure with her. I never feel like I don't matter or that she doesn't care about me or miss me, just as I miss her. I mean, we're both living independent lives but, to quote Kingdom Hearts cheesily, our hearts are connected. I love her, she loves me, our friendship will pick up from exactly where we left it and in the meantime, it remains a great comfort to me. As someone who has always placed far too much importance on 'how much do you love me compared to so-and-so, with Jen, I know she had other close friends, best friends, and that doesn't make me think 'well, what is my place in her life then?' because I know from my own personal experience, that I love Mia just as much before and after I met Jen. I don't love one more than the other, and I don't love Mia less than I used to. Hearts are big, they can do that shit.

Work is stressing me out lately, and it's because my boss has decided to be nit picky and overbearing, which makes me screw up more because I'm nervous from him being on my case and analysing everything I do as a tally against me. And I just don't enjoy working when he's like that, and it's more boring too because I can't listen to music or talk openly. It's just lame. But you know, money.

Other stuff is happening, but I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe next entry. Ttfn.

I feel really numb.

My cousin, who has been my best friend and almost-sister my entire life, the person who's been there for me for always, who knows everything about me and loves me regardless, she's dying.

Not for sure, but things are bad. Last entry I said the cancer was back. A week later I know the cancer has spread basically everywhere and it's Stage 4.

I've been struggling to write this entry for days because I don't know what to say. Is there anything worth saying that isn't obvious?

Someone I love very dearly is very, very sick and I'm very, very sad about it.

The future is now very uncertain, just in terms of... how my life is going to be, ten, twenty, fifty years from now. In all my stories (and real life plans), my cousin is heavily involved with my life, is Godparent to my children, and basically the one friend and confident that can't ever escape because we're related and it's pretty damn hard to step away from that. That's what is supposed to happen, that's the life path, our children are supposed to be like us, raised together, because there is very few things I'd regret more than my child not having someone as special as Lizzy to play with and know and grow up with, because it certainly is a relationship that is one of the nearest and dearest to my heart.

Obviously I also spend a great deal of time grieving for Lizzy specifically, not just the Lizzy shaped hole that I'm scared might one day exist, but the thing is, the thoughts about how this affects me-- that's the part I can work through, learn to deal with. I can never really do that with the actual Lizzy part, though of course my first priority is her and doing everything I can to make her life easier/better/happier, if I can. I can't even imagine what she's feeling or going through but I'll be spending a lot of time with her this week.

This year really is strange. It's the highest highs and the lowest lows, truly.

I can understand how some people can feel that God is punishing them for being happy, when something like this happens. That's how I feel.

See, I'm an atheist, truly, it's the only rational way I can think about religion. But even so, I'd pray every morning and night if I thought it might do any good. I might anyway, because I'm desperate and I'd never stake someone's life as collateral for my certainty that God doesn't exist. I don't know, mostly it'd just be comforting to know that is tragedy is going to occur, that there's a reason for it, a greater plan.

I'm not saying I believe that, but I'm saying it'd be nice if I did.

So yeah, that's been my life this week. Hope things are going much more smoothly for other people.