Every year, I tend to have like three posts about my birthday, the preparations and lead up and the follow up and whatnot but this year I haven't and I kind of want to, just to keep with tradition and to debrief after what really was a major event, but I'm not going to.
Instead, I want to talk about something else. Someone else actually.
It won't be a particularly long post, because for all I know, they could see this and that would be super awkward, but I haven't felt like this about someone ever, it's like, butterflies and super cute crushing and he's so good looking and charming and tall and funny and smart and he doesn't have flaws okay? It's a real problem.
I don't know how to tackle this, but he makes me want to. He makes me what to just tell him straight up and maybe I would have if things had gone as planned at my b'day. I want to date him and I want to sleep with him and I want to know all his secrets and thoughts and opinions and I want to do things together and be friends and I want him to know me and I want to go on car rides and swim at the beach and go hiking and I just see it all and I want to do it with him, and I know that's crazy, but I do.
He's just a good person, that's enthusiastic about things and kind and sweet and laid back and I could go on but I already sound like a stalker. I just like him.
The problem is that I'm confident he'd be good for me but I don't know what exactly I'm bringing to the table and that's the part that always makes me insecure and stops me from going for it. I don't want to be turned down and mostly that's because I don't want to be told no and imagine all the reasons why he'd say that, that had to do with me not being good enough.
I didn't used to have thoughts like that but it's what they say I guess, the first time you going for it, you're fearless but after a heartbreak, it's always harder because you know exactly how much it can hurt. It's just nice, having the thought of him. It's been nice all term and I hope it'll only get better, and then maybe actually progress into something.
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Writing this on a new day but the content is still my love life so I'll lump them together. Something very unexpected happened. You know who and I talked all afternoon. Like, over four hours worth of conversation.
A few days ago he said happy birthday, I said thanks, and didn't go on. I didn't want to encourage conversation, I didn't want to ask how he was and send out the envoy. I'm better than that.
But today he did. Like, completely. I didn't put any effort in at first, I just figured I'd answer his questions, see what happened. But it was really nice. He put the effort in to have a conversation, he replied immediately like I was important, and that matters to me.
And it was an honest conversation too. Like, he acknowledged how long it's been since we talked, and about a year since we've seen each other, we talked about why I unfriended him earlier in the year and how complicated our relationship has been.
So that was good, I'm glad. Maybe we can be friends, just like I wanted when I started this blog back in 2011.
There is something super hopeful about that.
Instead, I want to talk about something else. Someone else actually.
It won't be a particularly long post, because for all I know, they could see this and that would be super awkward, but I haven't felt like this about someone ever, it's like, butterflies and super cute crushing and he's so good looking and charming and tall and funny and smart and he doesn't have flaws okay? It's a real problem.
I don't know how to tackle this, but he makes me want to. He makes me what to just tell him straight up and maybe I would have if things had gone as planned at my b'day. I want to date him and I want to sleep with him and I want to know all his secrets and thoughts and opinions and I want to do things together and be friends and I want him to know me and I want to go on car rides and swim at the beach and go hiking and I just see it all and I want to do it with him, and I know that's crazy, but I do.
He's just a good person, that's enthusiastic about things and kind and sweet and laid back and I could go on but I already sound like a stalker. I just like him.
The problem is that I'm confident he'd be good for me but I don't know what exactly I'm bringing to the table and that's the part that always makes me insecure and stops me from going for it. I don't want to be turned down and mostly that's because I don't want to be told no and imagine all the reasons why he'd say that, that had to do with me not being good enough.
I didn't used to have thoughts like that but it's what they say I guess, the first time you going for it, you're fearless but after a heartbreak, it's always harder because you know exactly how much it can hurt. It's just nice, having the thought of him. It's been nice all term and I hope it'll only get better, and then maybe actually progress into something.
------
Writing this on a new day but the content is still my love life so I'll lump them together. Something very unexpected happened. You know who and I talked all afternoon. Like, over four hours worth of conversation.
A few days ago he said happy birthday, I said thanks, and didn't go on. I didn't want to encourage conversation, I didn't want to ask how he was and send out the envoy. I'm better than that.
But today he did. Like, completely. I didn't put any effort in at first, I just figured I'd answer his questions, see what happened. But it was really nice. He put the effort in to have a conversation, he replied immediately like I was important, and that matters to me.
And it was an honest conversation too. Like, he acknowledged how long it's been since we talked, and about a year since we've seen each other, we talked about why I unfriended him earlier in the year and how complicated our relationship has been.
So that was good, I'm glad. Maybe we can be friends, just like I wanted when I started this blog back in 2011.
There is something super hopeful about that.
"I want to date him and I want to sleep with him and I want to know all his secrets and thoughts and opinions and I want to do things together and be friends and I want him to know me and I want to go on car rides and swim at the beach and go hiking and I just see it all and I want to do it with him, and I know that's crazy, but I do."
ReplyDeleteI dunno if you've asked anyone out before, so I don't wanna be a patronising dick here. If you have, you can probably ignore everything below this point :P
What you described is not crazy. What's crazy is wanting all that and not doing anything *about* it :P Obviously you're paranoid of rejection, but the longer you leave it, the harder it's gonna be, cos the fantasy will take hold of you, and you won't wanna drop it.
So do it. Next time you see the motherfucker, ask him out. Either he says 'yes' and you proceed from there, or he says 'no' and you have more time to move on. The longer you wait, the more it's gonna suck if he rejects you, cos that fantasy will be *perfected* and dropping it will be that much harder.
As for not having much to bring to the table... say wwwhhhaaattt? Don't take this the wrong way -- I'm sure as hell *not* interested in going out with you at all :P -- but you have HEAPS to bring to the goddamn table! You're young, you're hot as fuck, you're smart, you're studing what *you* wanna study so you can work in the position *you* wanna work in, you've travelled, you're politically aware, you debate, and you have friends all over the fucking *world*. That is amazeballs! You are an awesome person, Lucy. Any guy would be lucky to have you. I'm honestly *surprised* you're single at this rate, seriously.
If nothing else convinces you, hopefully this will: if someone like me, a 21-year-old virgin who's never left the country, never done anything terribly risky, is not sexy, and is awful in social situations, can ask a girl out 48 hours after first laying eyes on her, feeling the same way about her as you feel about this guy... you can ask this guy out. If you truly want this man, as much as you may doubt it now, your feelings for him will override any insecurities when you approach him.
TL;DR: fucking do it :P
Haha thanks for commenting, I totally would not have realised it was right after I posted, if you hadn't said anything, I fell asleep the moment I finished it :P
ReplyDeleteYou are right that I need to do something about it but I do get a lot of anxiety over these things. But since all of my friends know about this crush (since it's as rare as a bigfoot sighting to them that I have chance with anyone), I've been getting a lot of 'so have you talked to him yet? have you talked to him yet?', and I finally did message him last night and we had a long conversation today which is new, but great.
My plan is basically to ask him to lunch and try to make that a thing that we do and if all goes well, be even more forward. I don't really know how this dating thing works but I think its something like, you just go on dates and are 'seeing each other' and then that progresses to actually dating after? Idk, I just need to get him to see me in that light, rather than just friendly, but at the same time, my regular MO is just to be closer friends, which is maybe why I suck at this romantic thing in the first place.
Thank you for saying nice things, sometimes i do forget that I am not totally without positive attributes. Only he is just so much better, oh my god. and I just know that he is right for me. in so many ways he shares the things that you-know-who had going for him, but without all the fucked up ness (and the gf). and he's just easy to talk to.
unfortunately that makes things harder in terms of going for it, because he's way out of my league. BUT he is going away for the summer, so either I sort it out in the next few weeks, or I drop it, so hopefully that's the timeline I'm working with :) i'm sure this blog will keep you posted haha
Well, if he's going away, then yeah, that's pretty much your deadline. The sooner, the better. It's great that you're talking to him, though; that's a big step :)
DeleteWhat you described sounds about right: invite them out, keep going out, make romantic progress. But, though I'm obviously not an expert on the subject, and the internet is by no means an authoritative source, pretty much everything I have ever read on approaching people, asking them out, wanting to be their partner, etc., has advised being clear with your intent. I guess in this case, that just means flirting and shit. Then there's, of course, figuring out what flirting even *is* :P But yeah, gotta take dem risks!
See, my only problem with being clear in my intent is that I intend to be friends with this dude for like, at least the forseeable future, so it's not like I can just risk everything and then things be weird forever. In saying that though, having only known him for 5 months, it's not really the hugest loss, and I wouldn't have to see him again if I didn't want to. Or if I did, it wouldn't necessarily be awful. People can move on from one person being interested in the other... there really isn't many downsides to telling, except crushing embarrassment. I need to step up my game. Though I have literally no flirting game whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your last comment on your blog, I KNOW RIGHT, it was super obvious at my birthday and if he doesn't at least suspect, he's quite oblivious. If I make the cheek kissing picture my profile pic, he'd get it then right? Kidding.
Well, depends what you mean by 'known'. I knew Razz for about 5 months before I asked her out, having online convos and having invited her to my place beforehand. It's certainly not too early!
DeleteAnd that's the thing: if you wanna date this guy, sooner or later, you have to make a move. When you make that move, no matter how far into the friendship you are, you risk losing that friendship in its entirety.
I can totally relate with the flirting thing: I'd be lost too. The flirting can come if & when you score a date, though; no need to worry for now :)