So I've just been having a long D&M with my mum. That isn't unusual, we're relatively close and now I'm an adult, we talk about pretty much most things.
This one was mostly about my Dad. Now my Dad is a funny guy. I don't mind that, I'm used to it I suppose, having never known any different. Like, he has some serious personality flaws that aren't readily apparent but if you stick around long enough, you really start to become aware of. Or you don't notice even then, in some cases, because of how well hidden they are. Like, I'm his daughter and there are still sides to him that I was really not that aware of, but when Mum and I talk I sometimes get a new perspective or learn something new that adds to what I know. Of everyone in the world, I'd say Mum knows Dad best.
My parents have been divorced for ten years, but they're still friends now weirdly enough. The last two years especially, my Mum got back into Bridge so now they share their main life hobby again and that means they see each other often.
Okay, so here are Dad's main flaws. Firstly, the one I really didn't suspect whatsoever, is that he's a problem gambler. Like, he always has been. before my parents were together, during their marriage, and after. Mum told me once before that after the divorce, when they sold our house (700k) back in 2003, they got half the money each obviously, but Dad gambled his half all away. Certainly by 2008 it was all gone. It's a weird thing to think, that a parent could do that.
Maybe I'll mix this up, and go flaw/attribute/flaw/attribute, so I don't feel like I'm completely hating on my father here. To be perfectly clear, I love my Dad. I accept him as he is and I would never want anyone else in that position.
My Dad is fiercely intelligent. He must have a high IQ. He's amazing at Bridge, and he's just quick. He could have been an awesome accountant or something. Both my brother and I got half our brains from him. Maybe more than half.
But he's never been able to commit to anything. Never went to Uni, even though Mum offered to support him through it completely, he dropped out of Tafe, and after he lost his long time job when his company went bankrupt in 2006/2007 ish, he's never had a job much better than minimum wage. Not that it would matter how much he made, since he spends it all. When my parents first got divorced, he did have a home for us and while it was rented, we did live with him Thursday night until Sunday morning every week, and that was fine. A bit unorganised and whatnot, but fine. He got remarried in 2006 and that did not last at all, he had no money coming out of that, no furniture, no family pictures, all of that was gone. As well as that, when he moved in with her family, we only started seeing him every second weekend and basically, I've found out after from Mum, he basically chose her over his children.
Okay, that's getting sad. That whole thing never made sense to me because my Dad is a great father. I am confident that there is no female out there in the world he loves more than me, or that I could do anything that would make him stop loving me. He was a dedicated Dad to me as a child, playing catch with a tennis ball every night after he got home at 7pm, and reading to me every night too, though I don't remember that as much cos I was younger. Plus he was the parents that got us pizza every Friday so we could watch the football and did all the fun stuff with us. He bought me a Walkman and taught me to drive etc. He was also the one out of my two parents that wanted children. Mum was pretty against it I think, she was happy without and didn't ever want to do it without things being perfect but Dad always wanted babies. I remember Mum telling me that when she miscarried the first time, she'd been alright but he remember Dad going outside and being really upset.
He's just such a shit adult though. Like, he's really lucky and really well connected with people who will put him up, because he's super nice, even if it's so pathetic, but like, he lived a year housesitting for his step mum in one of her houses, in Canberra (so he was not around then) and another year or two in the granny flat at his sister's house, also in Canberra. He lived two years with my Mum's disabled brother, in the second bedroom there, which is weird, but alright I guess. F0r the last year ish, he's had a girlfriend locally and lived with her but that's on and off and the thing is, he is absolutely no doubt only with her because he needed someone to live with, because without that, he's homeless. And it's frustrating to me, as a woman and a feminist, to know that he's using her like that, and I know all she wants is a committed relationship, and he won't give her that, so they are off on off on and he doesn't love her. I very much doubt that he is faithful to her. Actually, I know he isn't.
So basically, my Dad gambles all his money away, I know that because he never has any and because when he can't borrow from anyone else and can't ask Mum (for more) he asks me. Sure, he pays me back but I'm his daughter, it's not appropriate. Mum is sure he has big debts, and from like, pay day loan places, all those types of places I couldn't imagine using ever. He has no stable place to live, it's just shit.
I mean, he pays when we go out for lunch and occasionally he'll give me a few fifties, like when I got home from exchange, but I know he's giving them to me instead of paying Mum back, and at this point Mum just accepts it. But the thing is, my Mum isn't at all well off, she's a single teacher and money is always a strain in our family, to an extent.
It's just sad to me that my Dad is this person who is so far from normal, that his family recognised it to the extent that they warned Mum away, that Mum had all the signs of lying, and gambling and debt and didn't let them dissuade her, like I'd hope it would any of my friends in the same situation. My Mum is smart too, and she had to act like a mother to Dad all those years, and to this day she has to help him. If Mum hadn't had Dad, she could have maybe had such a better life, a better marriage, a better house and savings, all of that. I'm not saying, she feels that regret, but if I do, and if anyone theoretically should be supporting the union of my Mum and Dad it should be me, since it resulted in my life occurring, but come on.
I suppose another thing for context is that my Mum is an alcoholic. It really makes my eating disorder make more sense, when you put all the addiction genes that have been passed on in this family. But like, it's never affected her parenting, or her finances, or her job or her anything. Like, if she can he a great, stable parents, whose biggest flaw is that she couldn't pick me up anywhere after dark because she'd be over the limit, than why the hell couldn't Dad?
Maybe that's unfair, but I'm really angry with him. he loves me, and yes, that is enough, that's the most important thing, the most integral part of being a parent, but if I was fucked up by my parents, he is taking 90% of the blame I swear to God.
Here is another fun fact, I used to think You-Know-Who was just like my Dad. All the bad things. All words, little substance. Much love, little follow through. Lies and lies and lies. That's only half the story though. I loved you-know-who for all the same reasons I loved my Dad too. It wasn't just the flaws, that I suppose I am conditioned to be more accepting of. All the positive things too, I saw them in you-know-who. I liked the way he talked to me, I liked his intelligence, his sense of humour. His sweetness.
Is that weird? Did I just admit to massive Daddy issues?
I don't think so. I think it's natural to search for the familiar, for things that remind us of our parents. Or alternatively, search out the complete opposite. Sometimes people go too far in reaction to their parents and overcorrect, or they end up much more like their parents than they like to admit. I don't think I'm any of those things.
I think I'm well adjusted. I'm like my Dad in a lot of ways, but not all. I'd never be loose with money and I'd never be able to be the kind of float-through-life type that my Dad is. I'm never going to be as neat freak as my Mum and my organisation skills might never be as good, but I hope very much that I continue to pick up those traits from her as I keep growing up, as much as I deny that to her when she nags me.
I don't know, I just wanted to get all this out. What is my blog for if not to talk honestly about things? It always sucks when parents are pulled from their pedestals but it has to happen. The trick is working out if you can still love and respect them afterwards, knowing who they are as people, not just as your parents.
Urgh, family.
This one was mostly about my Dad. Now my Dad is a funny guy. I don't mind that, I'm used to it I suppose, having never known any different. Like, he has some serious personality flaws that aren't readily apparent but if you stick around long enough, you really start to become aware of. Or you don't notice even then, in some cases, because of how well hidden they are. Like, I'm his daughter and there are still sides to him that I was really not that aware of, but when Mum and I talk I sometimes get a new perspective or learn something new that adds to what I know. Of everyone in the world, I'd say Mum knows Dad best.
My parents have been divorced for ten years, but they're still friends now weirdly enough. The last two years especially, my Mum got back into Bridge so now they share their main life hobby again and that means they see each other often.
Okay, so here are Dad's main flaws. Firstly, the one I really didn't suspect whatsoever, is that he's a problem gambler. Like, he always has been. before my parents were together, during their marriage, and after. Mum told me once before that after the divorce, when they sold our house (700k) back in 2003, they got half the money each obviously, but Dad gambled his half all away. Certainly by 2008 it was all gone. It's a weird thing to think, that a parent could do that.
Maybe I'll mix this up, and go flaw/attribute/flaw/attribute, so I don't feel like I'm completely hating on my father here. To be perfectly clear, I love my Dad. I accept him as he is and I would never want anyone else in that position.
My Dad is fiercely intelligent. He must have a high IQ. He's amazing at Bridge, and he's just quick. He could have been an awesome accountant or something. Both my brother and I got half our brains from him. Maybe more than half.
But he's never been able to commit to anything. Never went to Uni, even though Mum offered to support him through it completely, he dropped out of Tafe, and after he lost his long time job when his company went bankrupt in 2006/2007 ish, he's never had a job much better than minimum wage. Not that it would matter how much he made, since he spends it all. When my parents first got divorced, he did have a home for us and while it was rented, we did live with him Thursday night until Sunday morning every week, and that was fine. A bit unorganised and whatnot, but fine. He got remarried in 2006 and that did not last at all, he had no money coming out of that, no furniture, no family pictures, all of that was gone. As well as that, when he moved in with her family, we only started seeing him every second weekend and basically, I've found out after from Mum, he basically chose her over his children.
Okay, that's getting sad. That whole thing never made sense to me because my Dad is a great father. I am confident that there is no female out there in the world he loves more than me, or that I could do anything that would make him stop loving me. He was a dedicated Dad to me as a child, playing catch with a tennis ball every night after he got home at 7pm, and reading to me every night too, though I don't remember that as much cos I was younger. Plus he was the parents that got us pizza every Friday so we could watch the football and did all the fun stuff with us. He bought me a Walkman and taught me to drive etc. He was also the one out of my two parents that wanted children. Mum was pretty against it I think, she was happy without and didn't ever want to do it without things being perfect but Dad always wanted babies. I remember Mum telling me that when she miscarried the first time, she'd been alright but he remember Dad going outside and being really upset.
He's just such a shit adult though. Like, he's really lucky and really well connected with people who will put him up, because he's super nice, even if it's so pathetic, but like, he lived a year housesitting for his step mum in one of her houses, in Canberra (so he was not around then) and another year or two in the granny flat at his sister's house, also in Canberra. He lived two years with my Mum's disabled brother, in the second bedroom there, which is weird, but alright I guess. F0r the last year ish, he's had a girlfriend locally and lived with her but that's on and off and the thing is, he is absolutely no doubt only with her because he needed someone to live with, because without that, he's homeless. And it's frustrating to me, as a woman and a feminist, to know that he's using her like that, and I know all she wants is a committed relationship, and he won't give her that, so they are off on off on and he doesn't love her. I very much doubt that he is faithful to her. Actually, I know he isn't.
So basically, my Dad gambles all his money away, I know that because he never has any and because when he can't borrow from anyone else and can't ask Mum (for more) he asks me. Sure, he pays me back but I'm his daughter, it's not appropriate. Mum is sure he has big debts, and from like, pay day loan places, all those types of places I couldn't imagine using ever. He has no stable place to live, it's just shit.
I mean, he pays when we go out for lunch and occasionally he'll give me a few fifties, like when I got home from exchange, but I know he's giving them to me instead of paying Mum back, and at this point Mum just accepts it. But the thing is, my Mum isn't at all well off, she's a single teacher and money is always a strain in our family, to an extent.
It's just sad to me that my Dad is this person who is so far from normal, that his family recognised it to the extent that they warned Mum away, that Mum had all the signs of lying, and gambling and debt and didn't let them dissuade her, like I'd hope it would any of my friends in the same situation. My Mum is smart too, and she had to act like a mother to Dad all those years, and to this day she has to help him. If Mum hadn't had Dad, she could have maybe had such a better life, a better marriage, a better house and savings, all of that. I'm not saying, she feels that regret, but if I do, and if anyone theoretically should be supporting the union of my Mum and Dad it should be me, since it resulted in my life occurring, but come on.
I suppose another thing for context is that my Mum is an alcoholic. It really makes my eating disorder make more sense, when you put all the addiction genes that have been passed on in this family. But like, it's never affected her parenting, or her finances, or her job or her anything. Like, if she can he a great, stable parents, whose biggest flaw is that she couldn't pick me up anywhere after dark because she'd be over the limit, than why the hell couldn't Dad?
Maybe that's unfair, but I'm really angry with him. he loves me, and yes, that is enough, that's the most important thing, the most integral part of being a parent, but if I was fucked up by my parents, he is taking 90% of the blame I swear to God.
Here is another fun fact, I used to think You-Know-Who was just like my Dad. All the bad things. All words, little substance. Much love, little follow through. Lies and lies and lies. That's only half the story though. I loved you-know-who for all the same reasons I loved my Dad too. It wasn't just the flaws, that I suppose I am conditioned to be more accepting of. All the positive things too, I saw them in you-know-who. I liked the way he talked to me, I liked his intelligence, his sense of humour. His sweetness.
Is that weird? Did I just admit to massive Daddy issues?
I don't think so. I think it's natural to search for the familiar, for things that remind us of our parents. Or alternatively, search out the complete opposite. Sometimes people go too far in reaction to their parents and overcorrect, or they end up much more like their parents than they like to admit. I don't think I'm any of those things.
I think I'm well adjusted. I'm like my Dad in a lot of ways, but not all. I'd never be loose with money and I'd never be able to be the kind of float-through-life type that my Dad is. I'm never going to be as neat freak as my Mum and my organisation skills might never be as good, but I hope very much that I continue to pick up those traits from her as I keep growing up, as much as I deny that to her when she nags me.
I don't know, I just wanted to get all this out. What is my blog for if not to talk honestly about things? It always sucks when parents are pulled from their pedestals but it has to happen. The trick is working out if you can still love and respect them afterwards, knowing who they are as people, not just as your parents.
Urgh, family.
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