Everything is coming up Lucy

Short post--

I am in London, everything is swell. I saw Buckingham Palace today, as well as many, many assorted sites. I saw and rode double decker buses, I went in and took photos with a bajillion phone boxes, I heard little kids jabber away with the cutest accents, I saw the Sherlock Holmes pub and Starbucks and many other great things.

Jen and I are getting along really well and I really enjoy her company. She says 'sorry' a lot, like she really cares that I'm comfortable and she's not like, causing me any kind of anxiety, even if all she is doing is making the table shake from sawing into food or nudging me while we walk. She's so lovely though, I think we'll be fast friends and good roommates. We just get along, like we walk at the same speed and we have a really comfortable silence, which is great because I can't deal with talking all the time.

She's just considerate and truly, just seems like a really nice person that I really want to be friends with, it's great.

Tomorrow Ithink we are going to do a tour and that could entail lots of interestings things. We should also be doing our ride on the London Eye and going Ice Skating. Hopefully it will be as clear and bright a day as today was!

Adios amigos!

My favourite book

“Stories you read when you're the right age never quite leave you. You may forget who wrote them or what the story was called. Sometimes you'll forget precisely what happened, but if a story touches you it will stay with you, haunting the places in your mind that you rarely ever visit.”

For me, that's Tomorrow, When the War Began. Not just the first book, but the whole series. I was twelve when I first started reading. I remember staying up late to read it, reading it at recess, and on my lap under the desk.

Apart from Summer Heights High, which I will forever consider the most accurate representation of Australian schooling/teenage life, the Tomorrow Series had the characters that I always most identified with, who gave me the most nuggets of truth about life. It set my value system, I can't explain it better. Ellie, the protagonist, she is the most well rounded character I've ever read.

She's incredibly brave and selfless, but she is also stubborn and pig headed, and like everyone, she can be lazy and selfish and mean and thoughtless and cruel and bitter. She makes bad decisions and wrong decisions and she's so real to me. To compare her to the protagonist in the Hunger Games, she is what I consider the humanised version of Katniss. She is a Katniss who is not naively unaware of the feelings of people around her-- though of course she isn't a mindreader-- and she spends a lot of time thinking about her feelings and her actions. She is a Katniss who is not uninterested in romance and sex and relationships. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with Katniss for being written like that. There are obvious differences between their lives, Ellie is a 'normal', well looked after teenager. Her tragedies and ordeals are terrible and her story is about survival and making terrible decisions and having to live with them, and are similar in that both characters deal with PTSD and the aftereffects of their decisions, but where Katniss has dealt with survival all her life, and has developed a single-mindedness to protecting her sister, and mother to an extent, Ellie's loyalties are spread amongst her loved ones, her friends, family, people she meets, her town and her country. I feel like Ellie lives. She breathes. Her life occurs through the pages, not just when she is running for her life, but through every joke, every conversation and argument and touch, she creates this breathing organism of life around her. The author, through Ellie, makes a world that exists not just when an action is significant to the plot.

     "Exactly. You do understand! We have to do things that say yes, not just things that say no. Planting all those seeds, that was a good thing to do. But we should have planted flowers too. The Herit understood that. That's why he put in those roses, and when he made that bridge he didn't just shove a few logs cross the creed. He made it beautifully, so it'll last hundreds of years. We have to create things, and think in the long term. Leave stuff behind us for other. Life rules! Yeah!"

    And I leapt away and did a dance through the Hermit's dark little house, coming back with dozens of rose petals that I scattered generously on Lee's face. But that wasn't enough. I'd suddenly built up so much energy that I could have planted a thousand trees, kissed a thousand guys, built a thousand houses. Instead I ploughed my way back down the crease at high speed, ran in zigzags through the clearing, then jogged on up the track to watch the sunset prom Satan's Steps.

I just chose that from a random page I opened to, but do you see what I mean when I say Ellie lives? She has this incredible agency, that she exists to make surprising choices, to do what feels right to her alone. In the Tomorrow Series, plot never drives the story, the characters do and it makes me feel so passionate about it, because Ellie feels so real, I do see her as a real role model. That's why my first girl child will be 'Ellie', provided my partner agrees. I want my child to grow up with Ellie too. To learn from her how important it is to be yourself, to stand up for what you believe in, to be there for your friends and to be brave and kind.

I love Ellie in a way that I don't love Katniss because she was more relatable. She doesn't make you feel bad for not being strong every second, for not being thoughtlessly selfless. And I liked that Ellie was  definitively a female character, with female traits. A feminist issue I don't always know where I fall on 'are there real differences between genders?', but Ellie isn't a man with a female name, and it's not that she's emotional where the boys are stoic, or she's superficial or gossips or wants love, maybe it's just that she reminds me more of me, I see more of myself in her, than I ever have in any other person or character. Maybe it's just a skill of the writing, and that our personalities are similar, that I insert myself into her shoes and that makes her more female to me, but I do think it's more than that. Marsden respects that women/ girls communicate differently, that friendship is different, that relationships are approached differently and it's true, those differences are real. However, that doesn't make that the girl characters are cut from one cutout and the boys another, every characters is so well fleshed out, I find myself in all of them, my friends in all of them. Bits and pieces from all of them, gender aside.

I can't explain it better, but everyone should read that series at least once. I'm feeling sad that I am, in a way, outgrowing the series in that, the writing is coming across to me as more YA, and being out of high school, I feel I relate to things differently to Ellie now. I think its perfect for anyone from 12-18, but still good after that, just not an exact fit. Like the quote I started with, the emotional place you are in when you first read something, if it's right, it does stick with you. It does change you and shape you and that's so amazing.

Music

Ahhh that feeling when music is so good, you just want to inject it straight into your bloodstream so you can get a faster hit.

Music is one of the best things that this life offers. It's as good as sex or chocolate.

I feel like songs that admittedly aren't particular deep, can still hit these strings in my heart that nothing else can, just from the beat and the sound of the artists voice. I can't even describe it. It's why I like clubs and Retro, because there is something very appealing about being crushed from all sides, with music booming at a deafness inducing level, closing your eyes in a dark, flashing room and screaming along unheard to lyrics of powerful songs. Especially a little drunk, because that increases the sensation like crazy, because you have that added disconnect and you just don't give a fuck about what other people think.

I'm not a muso, my music taste is thoroughly uncool, but that's the thing about music, it doesn't matter at all. It's just finding what you like, whether it's mainstream, or pop, or hipster, or uncool, or punk or oldies.

Music is one of the most fundamental ways humans can communicate. I don't believe in the soul, but deep in human consciousness, there is a universality centred on music and rhythm and voice and movement.

When  I first wrote this post, I had in mind 'Alone Together' by Fall Out Boy, I heard it and it made me ache. My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken, do you wanna feel beautiful? It doesn't make me feel like that anymore, I over-listened to it, plus it's my ringtone and it was my alarm (a sure fire way to make me hate a song), but I remember that it did nearly make my choke, just how badly it made me want to sink into it and just live in the lyrics and the beat.

Lots of songs make me feel like that for a short window. I remember a quote, 'ignorant is what you call people who don't know what you just learnt', and for me, with music, when a song enters this hype stage for me, when it is the most important thing, the most meaningful, the most memorable song in existence, I believe that everyone else must feel the same way and tend to make them endure it for as long as my fascination lasts.

Music is one of those things that on one hand, you really shouldn't declare that you really love a song, until you listen to it 100+ times over a month. Then you know if it's a passing feeling or not. On the other hand, when I listen to the same song on repeat for days and days and days, I get so much pleasure out of it, who cares if it's a fleeting pleasure or not?

Someday I know we're gonna feel again, just like we did when we were yo...u...un...ger...

My TSwift pleasure songs lately have been Holy Ground, State of Grace and All Too Well. Songs I didn't really know before. I'm a way better T-Swift fan now than I was, seriously, I missed like half the album.

Some of the songs have found their way onto my page already. So you were never a saint and I loved in shades of wrong. We learn to live with the pain-- mosaic broken hearts. But this love is brave and wi-i-ild...

I know I used these lyrics in an earlier entry but maybe from now on I should add song lyrics to every entry, to commemorate whatever the song of the week is.

Tonight I'm gonna dance, like you were in this room, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you. Darling, it was good... never looking back... and right there where we stood, is Holy Ground...

Life Update: 5 Days To Go

Santa Pub Crawl last week was good. Not the best night out ever, but I did go. I met Stacey at her house for predrinks with one of her good friends Katie, her boyfriend, her older roommate Brad, his mate and her mum. We drank wine, I brought Vokda that I had left over from my party and we hung out, did make up, I added trim to my red dress and got a Santa hat, it was all very cute.

I mean, it's not the most comfortable situation for me to be in, but I managed. Stacey and I did our thing, but eventually I was bored, and Stacey is so, so pretty that she attracts boys like flies and I have to entertain myself which is the worst because it means I basically prostitute myself out on the dance floor. I don't like dancing by myself, it's weird and lame, so I find boys, make eyes, and dance with them. But that tends to lead to other stuff pretty quickly and I wasn't really in the mood and I'm quite choosy and like to pick attractive boys only to kiss so I tried a new technique of not letting them kiss me by looking straight ahead, like, at their chests or whatever, when I thought they were going to try. If I looked them in the face, I'd have to kiss them.

But I talked to another dude just randomly, which was nice. I don't remember his name now but I was just leaning against the wall near the toilets waiting for Stacey and he was doing the same, so he just struck up conversation which I liked.

In the end, I just told Stacey about 1am that I was leaving, she was like nooo but I said adios and walked home, telling her to text me when she got home safe, which is our normal method because sometimes it's easier to just walk home, rather than get a taxi cos we live quite close.

What else did I did this week?

I got into a fight with a girl at a concert, which I am pretty pleased about. I love feeling badass. I mean, she started it and it was her fault so yeah, good times. Street cred and store of interesting anecdotes +1.

My last shift at work was today. It went well, I gave my boss a gift which I felt awkward about but I just waited til the end, he was out the front so I moved the bag over to 'his stuff' and was about to leave when he came out the back, so I just said 'that's for you, thanks for everything, merry christmas bye'. I feel pleased.

As for my trip, I leave next Friday morning at six am so it is not long now. Especially with Christmas in the middle of that time. I haven't really started packing yet, but I have most of the stuff I need. I got a warm winter coat from my cousin, who also gave me gloves, a scarf and a cute beanie. I have lots of berets as well, I got two new pairs of jeans, new boots, I have a cute new handbag and backpack...

I have a whole bunch of travel cards, my OS HELP loan came through, so I have money again (relief). My Dad said he would take my phone plan for the 6 months, which was nice of him, since obviously I can't use it overseas.

What else....? I'm going to see my dogs on Monday, so that'll be nice. I'll see my Dad too. I'll get a whole bunch of new pictures and videos. I've been taking selfies and pictures like mad. I'm going to miss my house and my street and the beach and my country.

I just went to a Christmas party in my building which was good. My social skills lack a lot, but I still do try, and manage a fair bit. My Mum started every conversation I joined with 'LUCY IS GOING ON EXCHANGE IN LESS THAN A WEEK' and that is actually an exciting thing so it was a good conversation starter. I actually find ending conversations much more difficult than starting them. Like, I'm decent as joining a group, saying 'Hey, I'm Lucy, nice to meet you', but sidling off after being quiet for awhile or when it's just me and one other person, it gets awkward once conversation stops.

Other than that, life is pretty much the same as ever, seeing my friends, watching movies, going the beach, blogging. Ooh, Stacey, her friend Monique and I went 'scuba diving' a few days ago, just off the rocks at South Beach. I have such a girl crush on Stacey. Like, I'm bi, so I also have legitimate crushes on girls, but this is not that, it's a friend crush. It's a 'I wanna be just like you, you are so, so pretty and nice'. It is too bad I am leaving because we are hanging out and being friends and it's awesome and I like it. I've been sceptical for ages about making new friends because I thought I didn't like the meeting people stage, but you know, it's not that bad, it's actually kind of fun. Like, the first time you find out someone quit their Maccas job because all their coworkers found out they got caught in the pool having sex with their boyfriend... priceless. And it's nice meetings friends of friends and new groups and people that aren't already in your friend group and have their own network, it's the best because they do things different. They are friends different. I do very much like that.

My bffl and I, we are best friends in a way that is created  by our own expectations of how friendship works, and it is moderated by each other where our views differ. Unspoken rules of what is allowed, what isn't, what's weird, what is expected... and yes, it does evolve over time, because we grow and are exposed to more variety, but especially when you are someone like me, who enjoys letting the other person call the shots, I am enjoying a totally different brand of relationship than my regular by being friends with Stacey outside of work.

Ok I'm sleepy now, but that's my life really.

Also, I am slowly weaning myself off Taylor Swift again. I have listened for nothing else, literally for almost a month. But now I'm getting obsessed with Guy Sebastion. Mostly because he performed as an opener for T-Swizzle, and I really liked 'Like A Drum', though I never actually looked it up until today because I heard it on the radio and loved it, but I'd forgotten it was by him. Searching for it once I'd forgotten the lyrics was difficult but I succeeded finally. I also really like 'Who's that Girl?' for some reason.

The music video also reminds me of my ultimate OTP of Ellie/Homer, so that helps.

A annoying facet of life is not knowing how I present to other people. When I look at others, sometimes I feel like I know their exact thought processes.  I understand them. Other times though, I see people one way but then they surprise me and I realise what I see and assume about them isn't necessarily what is underneath.

And because sometimes I feel so contrary-- sometimes on purpose, sometimes just due to conflicting desires and personality confusion, I feel like I am not always consistent in my behaviour with others either, and I feel it's likely I confuse others in the same way.

Sometimes I think about myself, if I was a character, how would I be described? It's why sometimes, I like being written about, or finding myself in a video someone's taken, or even in photographs. I am filled with their crushing desire to see me from outside of myself. Even if it generally awful and it makes me unhappy, it's never something I could bare to look away from.

Besides, depending on what kind of self esteem day it is, I feel differently and would write differently about myself. Sometimes it's nothing but flaws-- I am lazy and mean and hopeless and awkward and a freak-- but other times, it's I'm pretty and I am kind and I have quirks that are unique to me and I have something special to say and I am valuable. When I'm with my friends I can be funny, I want to take care of them and I try to make them feel good. I try my best, I'm smart, I push myself to be better.

People are conflicts I think.

Like, my best friend Mia. She is so passionate about things, both for good and bad. She hated you-know-who and was so rude to him, but she did it because she was being protective of me. She loves her boyfriend so much, to irrationality sometimes when she refuses to think that they may not be together forever, but also she's rational enough to know if they did, she'd be okay and not want to kill herself.

And she's confident, it amazes me sometimes. If someone said something that I didn't hear properly, or hadn't heard of, I'd just smile and nod, but she's actually own up to it and the conversation would be better for it. She speaks her mind more than anyone I know and yeah, it's rude sometimes and it's blunt but I like it. I like that she and I fit, because she says what I think, and she knows I won't say it, except to her.

I think what I could learn from truly confident people, is that not knowing something is okay. You just admit it. I try so very hard to be competent, and perhaps even more to appear competent, even when  a lot of the time I'm not. I was sheltered growing up, I don't have a lot of life experience yet and it's almost impossible to not be shy and awkward, when you are. Conversation just doesn't flow from me, I'm not quick and I'm not at all funny. Even my cousins, who aren't cool or traditionally funny, they have this brand of humour that just cracks me up but it's not something I can replicate. It's pretty foreign to me.

I think to be funny, you need confidence in it. I read somewhere that all puns are bad puns, but it doesn't matter, if you think them, you should say them. Why the fuck not right?

A lot of the time, I'm like my own best companion, me and my brain. We just crack jokes and make snide remarks inside my head but maybe I could try to be more of an extrovert, rather than just studying and attempting to badly replicate the behaviour of other people I know, I'd be more of a character than just me, who is quiet and can't verbalise the things she thinks.

I'm really nervous about going away and money.

I am freakkkkking out, because do you know how much money is in my bank account now? $1500. That's it.

All I have.

Plus $1000 on a travel card that has been converted into pounds.

Those bits of money are not going to last me 6 months, which is supposed to be travelling as well as studying. I know I am getting a loan, plus $1000 grant, plus Centrelink but right now, I don't have any of that. My Centrelink got cancelled and probably won't get sorted until next year, once I've already left on my European adventure. I'm supposed to get my loan on the 20th, but because I first asked for the $2500 loan (idiot) and then switched to the $6000 loan on the second lot of official paperwork, I don't know what I'll be recieving. So I suppose I will find out on Friday. I am pretty sure $6000 but I am not counting chickens just yet.

I get a travel grant once I'm at Exeter for $1000,  but that's not confirmed until I'm there and send the right forms, saying that I' m studying and accepted and all is cool.

Plus Centrelink should start and I should get at least $100 a week but I have no idea when I'll get that, plus $1000 in March when uni term in Australia starts. Plus Mum should give me at a couple hundred pounds for Christmas and the next two weeks of work will get me at least $800 so I will try to breathe.

I suppose I didn't think some things would be as expensive as they were, like accomodation is like 2/3 of all my money gone, and that is terrifying, truly.

But at least everything is done now, pretty much. All of my accomodation until June is sorted. My week in London is booked, my train ticket from London to Exeter is booked. Obviously flights are booked.

Obviously food, attractions and general sightseeing is going to cut into funds but as long as I have that $6000 in my bank account, I am not going to be scared, and it will be okay. Just until then, I'm too scared to do anything but worry. I'll get excited once everything else is sorted.

So in the town where I live, there is this thing called the Santa Pub Crawl. It's pretty bogan, but I mean, it's for a good cause and it's just supposed to be fun. Everyone has to dress up, that's the only requirement.

My friend Stacey asked if I wanted to go, and I said sure. I got a red dress and we planned to go to hers and add fur trim and make them Christmassy, with Santa hats as well obviously. But this arvo, I texted her asking when I should come over, she said she'd text me when she got home. I missed a call from her an hour later, called her back, no answer. Then she never texted so I never went over. Who knows what came up, but a bit disappointing.

I am hoping that we still go. Her ex boyfriend/ current boyfriend (I don't even know, he's an asshole but she can't get over him) is having a Chrismas party tomorrow night as well, so now she thinks she's going to that. We could still pub crawl afterwards but... I don't know. I'll text my cousin and see when he is going, because I think he is. I can always meet up with him and his friends and go regardless.

My best friend is going to a concert tomorrow so I can't make her come (plus she thinks it's bogan). I don't know anyone else who likes drinking and would be up for it....hmm.

I think it'll be fun though. Like, obviously I'll be nervous and it's not my usual thing, but opportunities to do different things must be taken with both hands obviously.

That reminds me, I kind of wanted to try getting high before I go away. I have friends that have done like, pot brownies, and I think that could be okay. Like, if I was to try drugs, that's what I do. I mean, I don't know if I would,  because side effects and possible descent into schizophrenia, but that's very unlikely and though my 10 year old self would be horrified (actually, my 17 year old self would be terrified too. I still remember being in a house with people I knew all getting high and telling my boyfriend I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave now). Regardless, it's a tempting thought.

Then I have Birds of Tokyo concert on Sunday, my first day off in 5 days. I am  working a lot, but I only have about 1.5 weeks of work left, or less, so every bit counts. That should be fun, I'm not super into them, but chance to hang out with friends, go to a concert in a smaller venue. All about the life experiences yo.

My birthday went well, I got to spend it with a lot of the people I love. My best friends (excluding the bffl who is home tonight) came over and baked with me, and it was a lot of fun. All three of the netball mates I invited came, and I think they had a good time, talking not just amongst themselves but with my school friends as well.

You know who didn't come. I don't know if I've explained this fully before, but the past 3 birthdays, he has said he would come and then didn't, for various reasons. This was his last chance, in my mind, and I think I was pretty clear to him about that as well.

About 2 hours after my party had started, I messaged him asking if he was coming, and he asked 'was that tonight?' and explained he'd been sick and hadn't checked facebook, saying he'd take me out for coffee and that he was sorry he couldn't make it, cos he lives quite far away and there were no more trains that late. Also that he was sorry for being a shit friend, to which I replied that he fucking was.

When I got home last night, I drunk messaged him, telling him how sad and disappointed I was that he didn't show, and how hard I try to keep our friendship and how his actions make me feel like I don't matter to him. It was pretty coherent for barely being able to see and type. There was a bunch of 'sorry I'm drunk, this is stupid, don't listen' bits but for the most part, it was a well articulated message and I enjoyed that being drunk, I could just say whatever shit I wanted and only take responsibility for the consequences if I chose to in the morning, or I could fob it off under 'I was drunk, I don't know what I was saying.'

The message he sent back, my best friend admitted that it made her feel warm inside, and keep in mind, that this friend hates his guts. Okay, I'll put it here, because it was sweet and worth recording.

You do matter Lucy... I really was down with the flu n didn't realise today was the 7th. By the time I realised the last train to wollongong had left. I really do feel exactly how shitty a friend I am but you do matter. When your sober and not quite so justifiably hating my guts I'll take you out to dinner as an apology. Whereever you want to go. You do matter Luce and I am sorry.

I don't know what to do now. I know I need to follow the 'three strikes and you're out' mentality but it's so, so hard for me to do. Writing him off is terrible, it makes me feel terrible. It's not proportional to our friendship, the level of terrible-ness that I have attached to letting him go. Some other people I was close to once, I just shrug and it doesn't effect me at all.

And I don't even know if I like him now, just last week I was thinking we're pretty plutonic now, from my side as well as his, but then his happens, and it makes me clear the board and reconsider all my options. From highest to lowest, I could go all out, tell him I still have feelings for him and if he was to break up with Georgia, he should be with me. Actually, even higher than that would be to tell him he should break up with her and be with me, but that's a little unrealistic, considering in three weeks I am out of here and they've been dating nearly 3 years.

Second, I could tell him that because my feelings for him have always been a lot more complicated compared to other friends, he gets held to a different standard and while missing a few birthdays isn't exactly murdering somebody, it does hurt a lot more when he does it than someone else. And that that he should realise by now that hating his guts is a state that is pretty much totally incompatible with my DNA, and I never seem to manage it, regardless of situation.

However, it's not a maintainable situation and I feel like I need to find some resolution. I could do something about it.

I could call him, and tell him I want to have a long conversation about us and our relationship. I could say that I recognise that the things I'm about to say may be purely one sided and that he may not have realised that this side of things still existed, but that honest communication has always been a real problem for us and that I'm doing this to end drama, not create or extend it.

Ever since high school it's been incredibly important to me to stay friends because like, in Year 12, he was the most important thing I had going on. He was like my best friend and at the time, we were both messing things up because for me, it was this new thing that I hadn't ever had experience with and I always assumed he knew what he was doing and looking back, I kind of see he were making it up as he went along, pretty much the same way. The problem was he was just too outwardly confident and I had an insane amount of faith in him so I never saw doubt or confusion from his side, and it didn't tend to occur to me that my behaviour and communication wasn't clear, and that he wasn't in total control of the situation, which I felt like he was.

I am so confused. I don't know what I want to do.

I don't want to stop being friends, I never do. It's a well documented fact that I tend to resist that at all costs, but I told myself, if he didn't come this year, it'd be like, 3 strikes and you're out. Because if I never put any kind of consequences on anything, there just ends up being all this bad feeling and right now, I feel like this is how our relationship is, that because I forgive anything because it's him, and it's complicated, I never feel resolved.

So I'm hoping that by talking it out with him, I'll get that satisfaction of being understood, which is all I ever really tend to want. Like, especially why my birthdays matter, I want him here then, when I'm with all my friends and it's something I've planned and worked to make good. Cos like, he knows me, because we talk and that's my personality and how I feel about stuff and that's important, but sometimes I wish he knew more of my life and was more a part of it. He's never been to my house or met any of my other friends.

There are people you share your life with, like your family and people you work with, and the friends you spend a lot of time around, that know how you spend your days and that you talk about the little things with, and then there are the people you just 'catch up' with, and its just like giving a run down on everything they've missed and I don't like him being in that category. Like, if we had it my way, we'd actually go out and do things and hang out for the sake of hanging out, not just meeting up because we have a quota of times we have to meet up to still be in the category of friends.

So I think I have decided... I will message him tomorrow and tell him that we should do dinner, and I'll try my hardest to be honest and tell him this in person. Whether that means telling him I still have feelings for him, I suppose that'll have to depend on whether I decide I do or not. I'm still very very confused, more than ever.

I went to Taylor Swift Red Tour last night in Sydney and it was so good. It was the best thing. Worth the money easily.

She did two songs to begin, then she started talking and I don't know why, but it was something to do with the fact that she was really there, like 100m away, and that I was sharing this in-person, physical event with Taylor Swift, made me cry. It just felt surreal.

I understand celebrity culture, the way people look at these people and relate to them, and are curious about every detail of their lives. I don't think it's ok, maybe, but I'll admit there isn't much I don't know/ haven't seen of Taylor Swift, if it's on the internet. Because the material she writes is so close to my heart, and because I've made all my own associations with it, and it's been the most prominent soundtrack of my life thus far, I think it makes sense that I got emotional hearing it live, in a dark stadium, with 40000 other people who also love her.

It was a good concert. She was confident and she really made me like some of the songs that I didn't know that well.

One thing though, you know who, stupid fucker that he is, had to message me 'Luuucccccyyyy :) Movies?' right before the concert started. Way to confuse me before a TAYLOR SWIFT CONCERT where every song is about complicated and passionate love. That boy gets in my head like nothing else.

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way, and the story's got dust on every page.
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now, and I see your face in every crowd...
Cos darlin', it was good. Never looking down. And right there were we stood... is holy ground.

I had an exciting evening last night.

It was my work Christmas party, for the whole mall where I work. It was at the Novetel, which is a swanky hotel/ restaurant/ event location near my house. From my work, it was just my boss, my friend Stacey and I going. The theme was the beach so we went full out and glued shells to our faces and did a mermaid thing, it was cute. We matched and we spent 2 to 3 hours hanging out before hand getting ready which was great because we don't hang out outside of work much and it's been a goal of mine to become better friends with her because I already mention her all the time-- hazard of being together like 15+ hours a week working, I see her more consistently than anyone else I know.

So anyway, we did that, enjoyed the party. There was an open bar, which to those of you who haven't experienced the joys of this, it means, all wine and beer are free, but spirits still cost. And it's the cheap stuff obviously, since tickets were only $20 and our boss paid for us which was sweet. Since I have no experience drinking wine and the taste is bad, I employ the breathe-out-while-swallowing method, so I taste and smell as little as possible.

But it's a crap method and I wouldn't be able to stomach doing that all night, just for the funzies. But when we were at the bar, someone as asking about this different drink they'd seen people with, affectionately called a 'goon sunrise'. I'm pretty sure goon is Australian slang and it means cheap wine, so it's super classy obviously. It's mixed with OJ and red cordial so the colours separate and look really awesome, like a sunrise. Also it tastes very, very decent.

We had many, many glasses.

Plus Stacey didn't have any lunch and the dinner there was just finger food and we seemed to miss most of it.

I was incredibly surprised that I felt it a bit after just two or three. After 6 we were pretty affected and I think at that point, our Boss left and we upped out effects, glass in each hand :P

The party finished at 10 and while this isn't something that would have occurred to me on my own -- let's be fair though, I hadn't even thought about drinking before I got there -- we decided to go into town and continue the party there.

Both Stacey and I live within 200m of the Novetel, which was super convenient. We walked to hers first. She had to pee so she went  up ahead and left me to walk slower. I was in heels so I couldn't run with her. This is a good example of drunk me, she lives at number 30, I walked all the way to 48 before it occurred to me that I'd walked past. I'm super vague, and my mind is like a strobe light. I lose most of the middle processing. So I eventually got there, texted her to let me in, waited a few minutes, texted her again. Eventually she comes out in bra and undies, which was like, ok.

I mean, this chick is pretty fit and yeah, ok, I totally looked. We changed out of our sarongs and into clubbing clothes. She didn't have any flats I could borrow so we then walked to my house (After she dashed to her car on the street in her bra to get  a shirt). My mum came home while we were there, and after telling Stace to act sober, I introduced them.

Then we got a taxi from my house into town. We went to a club I'd never been to before, but it's one of the major ones, it's just got a bad rep for sexual assault and glassings and whatnot. We got in, we got some Vodka Redbulls, went to the dancefloor, I saw a friend of mine, hugged her, then we just danced for awhile, got more drinks etc.

After that, lots of weird interactions happened. We were kind of with these two guys (who we are 90% are gay, but later when he was dancing with me I really couldn't tell). Stacey got drunker, I was keeping an eye on her, but she got caught up with a guy she'd known briefly from TAFE, a fricking cocaine dealer and she hates drugs so she figured she'd try to talk him out of fucking up his life. We also ran into her ex, then some other dudes, then she was with them and I was talking to some guy who was tall and quite good looking, Aaron. When I told him I was 19 though, he got weird and left (he was 23). He kissed me on the forehead, then twice on the lips, but it was mostly just weird.

I was mostly just standing there because Stacey was behind him, not too far away and I was motitoring that situation. Also, I'd realised by this point I'd lost my phone, which as it is new and like $600 to replace, was heavily on my mind and one of those things that people don't empathise well. Like, when everyone is out having a good time, its hard to pay attention to someone else's problems of that nature because no one can do anything, it's just fretting.

Also, best to mention at this point, that we both had work the next day. I only was on for 5 hours, but she had an 11 hour day 10am-9pm. I mean, we both knew the next day would suck but being teenagers, that's half the fun.

She was such a funny drunk, very cute and like a puppy. Naive and excitable, but needing looking after because she is so pretty, there's a lot of boys kind of around her that she'd happily start dancing next to and while I hadn't witnessed her drunk before, we were there together and I take looking out for my friends pretty seriously. So I started saying we should leave, I was ready to go. But she'd found a guy who she knew in a friend of a friend way, and he started saying he'd look after her and get her home safe, and she was adement that she wanted to stay.

So, feeling anxious and guilty for leaving her, but not really having much choice, I used the guys phone to call a taxi and left. I tried to pull her out, like with an firm arm around her waist, but she just grabbed on to things so I couldn't. I mean, she's an adult and I wasn't really sure where the boundaries are for our friendship, or just friendships in general when it comes to these situations. Like, even if it was my bffl, I don't know if I'd have been able to act more authoritatively and taken her with me. It's not like she was slurring her words or anything, she was just drunk.

So 10 minutes later I was home, sans phone. I called the taxi company but the driver of the cab I'd taken earlier had finished his shift already so I couldn't do anything. Thankfully, today I was able to get it back because I had left it there (another example of my drunk vagueness). But that was much better than losing it in the club, I'd have never gotten it back there.

It was actually a really good night. And cheap relatively. Just two drinks at the club and taxi fare for the whole thing. Christmas party predrinks were the bomb.

I'm looking forward to the next few weeks, I should have a few good nights out coming up. I feel like I did super well, I was tired at work but I had zero hangover and I woke up at 6am, cleaned my room and had a leisurely morning all things considered. Once I got my phone back, everything was great.

I could probably talk for awhile longer but it's late. Night!

My bffl Mia is going to New Caledonia for three weeks tomorrow. I'm gonna miss her cos she has hair that smells nice and our friend Kate who I am never going to see again after today cos she's going back to America now exams are over says we're like an old married couple because of how we argue and Mia thinks we're more like Ted and Barney cos it's her job to 'teach me how to live' and like I told her today, she's my person and asdfghjkl.

Still, it's only three weeks. With exams and study to do, we've been in close proximity for long periods for weeks now and as our relationship's bread and butter is insults and sarcasm, it will perhaps be nice to have space for a bit.

Besides, when she gets back we'll only have two weeks before I leave for 7 months so I can't really complain about a few weeks that she's away. I expect we will make the most of all the last days though before Christmas. I know that I'll miss Mia the most out of everyone, she really is my closest friend and I do adore her muchly.

In other news, exams are overrrrrr.

I AM FREE.

That is the best news ever, because I really could not have gone on any longer, I've been scraping the motivation and drive barrel for weeks now and my 'cannot be fucked' attitude is probably not going to reflect well on my marks, but it's done. Sadly, not until March like everyone else, but until January.

Until then, I will be shopping for all the crap I need for my trip and clothes, and booking accommodation and generally being excited and stressed for the trip, while preparing best I can.

Also playing an inordinate amount of solitaire.

When you find out that a childhood series that you loved, about female friendship that you related to like almost nothing else has a new book, set 10 years in the future, you don't expect to have your heart ripped out by a character committing suicide.

I did not expect this night to be me crying and gasping and trying to regain the breath that this book is knocking out of me.

Jesus fuck.

Books, man.

Now I have to put myself back together

and yes, fuck you it is past 5am

Ooh exciting things are happening.

I predict that my blog is going to be very up and down if I make a post every time I am enthusiastic/ apprehensive about this trip.

However, I'm going to do it anyway, mark my words.

The other girl who is going to Exeter and I have been getting along really well. We only have really talked over facebook since the one time we met, but we've made plans to fly to London together, travel London together and then move on down to Exeter for the beginning of term, where we will be living in the same flat at the same accommodation.

We've definitely grabbed hold of each other and decided to be best friends. It's a bit awkward because at the same time we're both like 'don't feel pressured!' and ' I don't want to be pushy, but if you'd like to--" type thing because while I believe that we are both on the same page, it's tricky to compromise and communicate effectively with someone you don't really know, but you expect to be friends with in the future, purely due to proximity and convenience.

I'd love it if we really do end up being good friends. It's been a long time since I made a new, close friend and she seems really lovely. She's very pretty, which makes me nervous because I always thing that skinny, pretty girls are all just popular and think they're too good for me and that doesn't mesh with my psyche well because half of me is like 'but she is too good, she could do better and we won't match' and then the other is like 'fuck you very much, she'd be just as lucky to have me as a friend as I would to be hers' and then I get this weird complex of resentment and inferiority.

I'm exaggerating. Mostly.

But she knows what she is doing and likes Harry Potter and is a little bit shy too so I think we will get on really well. Hopefully. We could end up hating each other but for now, we're travelling together for about two weeks by ourselves so I think us getting on well is pretty important.

It'll just be a matter of working out what her expectations are and making sure I pull my weight, and when we travel, making sure that I do get to be myself and do the things I want to, as well as what she wants to. But I think we're both going to be pretty laid back and willing to compromise and I think that's one of the most important things.

Ooh I am excited. Booking flights tomorrow hopefully.

I'm really nervous for exchange.

I wasn't before, I was really chill and my attitude was 'it'll be fine, I'm adaptable and can pass as socially adequate. I'll be improving myself and it'll be an amazing experience and what could go wrong?

I knew a lot could go wrong.

But it was much more fun (and helpful) to think about the positives.

It's getting closer now however, and I am becoming apprehensive. There has been one or two quick fantasies of calling the whole thing off. I won't of course. Pride certainly wouldn't allow me to do that, and I wouldn't want it to. I do things outside my comfort zone because it almost always works out well for me and this is such an amazing opportunity and in such a large family, it's satisfying to be doing something none of my cousins have done (especially considering I am doing the degrees of two of my cousins already and coveting a third).

This isn't something my family expects of me either. Not that they'd put me down but they know me as the shy one, who read too much and had too few friends and never as the outgoing child. To the best of my ability, this is me being outgoing.

I want to do this, because it's a) very adult, and I am almost 20. When I leave I'll have turned 20 which is exciting. I've been looking forward to leaving my teenage years ever since you-know-who, because I wanted to be able to dismiss that whole series of events from that point forward as completely irrelevant- "I was a teenager then!" I also want to prove myself as competent, being able to cook and tidy up after myself and do my laundry and make travel plans. Independence is a big deal for me, because I have relied my entire life on the people around me. I have always preferred being looked after to looking after. However, that is a childish attitude that I want to shed. I think it's healthy to take responsibility for yourself, your actions and your decisions. If things go wrong, or the consequences of something I do are heavy, I have to take that on board and deal with it myself. I'm not saying I'll be Atlas, but, in the infinite wisdom of Tyra Banks, "Take responsibility fo' yo'self."

My anxiety stems almost entirely from this though. I love my Mum and Mia and my friends and family. I like my room and I like knowing where I live and how to get places. I like my car. I like having a bucket load of support systems around and I think it's natural to fear losing it. I am scared of culture shock, of not making friends, of crying myself to sleep and being lonely and scared and missing everyone desperately.

I don't want to quit and come home after 2 weeks because I can't hack it out there. I don't want everything to go wrong and I don't want to be caught with a boogie board bag full of drugs ala Shapelle Corby. I certainly don't want to be a murdered girl, travelling Europe alone and never being heard from again. I don't want to fail my classes or have University life not live up to my expectations. I don't think they're unrealistic, but I don't want to be miserable and not be able to travel weekends and not enjoy myself.

Very soon I am going to have to start to make firm, set-in-stone decisions and that is scary to me. Very much so. Visa applications is going to be the most major pain in the ass stress and accomodation is going to be the most terrifying because if I get that wrong, that'll determine who I meet, if I make friends, if I meet people that want to travel with me, if I meet hot guys, basically, if my exchange is successful or not. And since I can't live on campus and I don't want a full year lease, I'm basically going to be haggling and emailing, modifying a regular lease in order to have somewhere to live, so that's, you know, great. Because we all know that communication and bargaining are my greatest skillset.

Not.

I'm not losing weight as well as I'd hoped, I got a bit discouraged and put on weight this week, and then to celebrate that, of course I ate everything. And that just feels normal to me, because my relationship with food is legitimately that fucked up that a binge is just, yeah, I do that.

Even knowing full well that'll just make everything harder later and make the exact problem and struggle that triggered the binge worse, I still do it. I get it in my head that eating healthy is no way to live, and that it sucks and that I'm missing out. It's so fucking crazy that I don't understand moderation. I just give in, give in, give in to temptation, every time.

Do you know how sick the idea of photos of me standing in front of the Eiffel Tower sounds, when I look like an ugly elephant? It makes me feel ill and want to throw up and makes me think what is the point, and not want to take any photos at all or that I'll look back at those photos in 20 years and just regret that I couldn't have self control for a few fucking months.

It's just everything, all the little things I can't handle. Big things, big concepts, yeah, throw it on me, travel Europe, go backpacking, sounds great. But, book a flight, work out home much baggage is allowed, get to the airport by public transport and talk to someone at the desk at a hostel and pluck up the courage to ask the question I desperately need to know the answer to... I don't know if I can do those things. Or if I'm lost, and my phone is dead and it's getting dark and I don't know what train to get.

I burst into tears at Thirroul train station once- and by once I mean like, last year, because I screwed up my trip badly and didn't know what I was doing. I let my mum 5 voicemails. I am not a jungle cat, adept in the wild, I'm like a guinea pig. Those things are cute as fuck, but zero survival instincts. They squeal and give themselves heart attacks.

That is me because right now I totally do look cute as fuck, I feel v. pretty, it is good. But also incapable and not for use in real world.

Eep.

Just some musings bout that one particular boy, don't even judge me

I read a quote today, 'don't romanticise people that hurt you'.

You-know-who has haunted me for a long, long time. Just a little bit, but when it comes down to it, the fact is that romanticising what we had describes a) this blog and b) my thought processes that still remain today, to an extent.

Every time I told myself that he was special, that it was an exception, something I'd never regret or forget or want to change, that's romanticising.

It's much better to just leave the explanation in a way that is equally as honest, but much less flattering. He was immature and didn't care about me in the same way I did for him. I didn't know how to communicate properly, was too shy and full of pride to admit my feelings. Because of that, I acted immaturely, punishing him with silent treatment that I only employed to make him focus on me and chase me, with mixed signals because I was too confused and infatuated to make a firm decision on what course of action I wanted to take.

I let him control too much of our relationship, because I was too scared of losing him to risk saying no, or that things he did weren't okay with me, or hurt my feelings. Because of this, he didn't properly understand what I was thinking and feeling most of the time, and this added to our bad decision making and frustration with each other, because we didn't realise how unclear our actions were in communicating our thoughts and intent.

While he made me feel desired and loved, he also made me feel insecure and not good enough. I didn't get what I really needed from him, but I let myself believe that I had. I felt like I'd give him everything and anything he wanted and that wasn't healthy at all.

I don't deny it was love, but it was also very much infatuation. 'Crazy love'.

I don't feel anything for  him anymore. Bemusement perhaps. He isn't special anymore. I didn't believe you could share something with someone and have it not matter later, but you can. Feelings change and so do people. I grew up some, added some life experience (just a bit) and figured out who I am since year 12 and when he knew me.

It's not even as significant an event as I was sure it would be. I suppose things rarely are.

It's good though, I'm glad I'm all over him and that he's doing good and I'm doing good and I just don't have any regrets that things didn't turn out different or that we'd done this or that. Like, for a long time I think I thought that I'd have liked to have slept with him. And maybe from his perspective, it was a no chance in hell, but from mine I could have seen it happening. Now that whole idea just makes me laugh and think 'who cares'.

I like that.

Same sex marriage has become legalised in ACT. Part of the country that I live in.

You do not even know how happy this makes me.

It's not even just the fact that I identify under LGBT, though that's part of it. I can imagine marrying a girl and it's emotional to think that now that's possible, to have a wedding with friends and family being able to attend and have a relationship acknowledged in the same way as any other couple. That's big and it's important and it makes me very happy.

It also lets me have a modicum of pride in my country, something which has been difficult lately as far as politics and Government are concerned (obviously I still cheer and support Australia in any type of sporting event- mega lots of pride there). I mean, when America starts becoming more liberal than you, that's embarrassing.

I was so worked up about it all today that I got my laptop taken off me in a lecture for disrupting and distracting the people around me. Oops. It was worth it though, I truly think this is a special day. It's a milestone for our country and for the millions of queer Australians.

A little musing and comparison to old TV shows...

“One of the most insightful things I’ve ever read about eating disorders and body esteem in general was a comment on my blog a while ago that I regret being unable to find now. The writer was saying that most people think girls want to be skinny because of Hollywood and Vogue. This girl wanted to be skinny because she wanted to be a protagonist. She didn’t expose herself to mainstream fashion magazines or TV; she was interested in art films and books and indie music. But no matter how alternative the movie, the protagonist was almost always skinny. And wanting to be a protagonist means wanting to be someone, as most people do. Apparently, your story is only worth hearing, you’re only someone, if you’re skinny—it’s like, the blueprint of a human. Once that’s down, you’re allowed to be as interesting and protagonist-y as you want! Apparently. No matter how much people our age have been raised ongirl power and believe in yourself and you are beautiful, ignoring the beauty standards of the culture we live in is close to impossible. And as this lady pointed out, these standards and expectations exist outside mainstream culture like reality TV and tabloids; they exist in punk and indie cultures, in “artsy” Tumblr cultures that are all about looking like a fairy, but only if you’re a skinny white girl.”

I really want to be a protagonist. I hate being called a follower because to me that means I don't have my own story, I don't have my own agency. I'm not interesting enough or funny enough or pretty enough or smart enough to rate any of that. When I imagine my life being part of a book or any kind of told story... maybe a TV show or soap opera or whatnot, I think... 'would I have any fans? Would anyone care about my character? I don't want to be a random extra, like I have my own fucking life and problems and relationships and that stuff should matter, regardless of how pretty I am or attractive and it devastates me that maybe that isn't the case.

In the show Skins, it's about a group of 6 people, and each episode is specifically dedicated to one of them. Completely. You see the others as the protagonist interacts with them, separately and as a group, but also alone, and with their families and at school and with other people that the other people don't see.

There was a character, Pandora. She was... uncool. She was innocent and dumb and a pushover and naive and all these things I hate. I hate them in myself. But this character, not only did she look alarmingly like me, but I identified very strongly with her. Which I hated. Because to my mind, she was the worst parts of who I was. She wasn't super skinny, she had big front teeth and people thought she was weird and she was and she wore her hair in pigtails and rambled too much and didn't get it. She didn't know how to be cool.

And she had this best friend, who was beautiful and skinny and wore a lot of eyeliner and wore short skirts with fishnet stockings who all the boys wanted to fuck and to be with and she was the main character and she was who I wanted to be, not fucking useless, boring, Pandora.

But then, in Pandora's episode, I cried, so fucking hard and only half understood why. She was having a birthday party, just her and Effie (best friend) and two other girls and everyone thought her house was weird, and her Mum was weird and what she wanted to do was stupid and they patronised her and all she wanted was for them to play Twister and Effie to tell her how to 'do sex'.

But instead, they get everyone high off brownies and things go fucking crazy and she's crying in the bathroom and Effie is just like 'what is the fucking problem, I'll teach you how to give a blowjob' and Pandora just goes off and says that it was her party and it was supposed to be them helping her and doing what she wanted and instead Effie just did what she liked and its not like that outburst changed anything, she was still left alone crying in the bathroom.

But later... everyone else was gone or asleep or unconscious and Cook, resident asshole and cocky dickhead was the only one left awake and Pandora tells him what she'd wanted- twister and advice on sex (because she has a boyfriend but he's been deported). And Cook says ok, teach me twister. And excitable Pandora does. And what I liked about it, was that Panda was uncool, and she wasn't stick thin or the 'main character' but she still got to be sexy and she got to have this scene where she was absolutely seen as desirable.

I got a boyfriend because of this scene. Literally, this is what made me date my first boyfriend, because I wanted what Pandora had. It made me choose to get with a guy I knew was into me- and lets be clear here, we got together because I decided. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. It was the most powerful I'd ever been in a way, that's the main thing I got from that relationship, this delirious feeling that I was important and I mattered and I was in control. Not exactly what most people get out of their first relationships but that was what I did.

I was fifteen when I first saw this and all that happened and it still remains one of the sexiest scenes I can remember ever seeing. When Cook kissed down her stomach and the camera stayed focused on Pandora and it was so intensely about Pandora and this being her moment and her evolution and journey and story, that really stayed with me.

This entry really is about insecurity. In a way, the difference between Pandora and I, as she is just so unabashedly who she is. But on the other hand, Pandora literally says things like she's useless and no boys want her and it's not that she isn't self aware because she is, which made her real to me.

I forget that I had insecurity before you-know-who and the weight thing. It didn't seem as noteworthy at the time but looking back, you know, I think they were, I've just forgotten mostly, what it was like to be 13 and 15 and deal with all of it. I actually think I have gotten a lot more dramatic over the years in regards to my feelings.

Don't read if you have body insecurity issues... I dont want to offend anyone

but I might do because when I'm insecure about something, I'm quite vicious about it towards myself and while  don't necessarily think that should be generalised to other people, it could be taken that way.

I'm at this weird place because a) I weigh more than I've ever weighed. This could easily have the potential to get me down or terrify me, especially since I'm going away so soon and will be expected to make friends and meet so many new people and the more I weigh, the more unworthy I feel of being someone's new friend. It doesn't make much sense but that's how I feel 1000%. My best friends now are fine, they have to accept me (though mum does tell me it'd make their life easier if I was skinny, as she tells me the prettier/outgoing my friends are, obviously the more likely boys are to approach us, the easier it'll be to make new friends etc.) She's said this for a long time and while I feel I should disagree in principal, it is probably true. And yeah, I do believe in body positivity and healthy at any weight and not owing a thin body to anyone but that's theory and in real life I feel at the very least, I owe myself a thin body because whether self inflicted or legitimately, I lose opportunities.

Besides, people are drawn to pretty people. Last week I met a bunch of a friend of mines uni friends and that's just how it is, the one that kept drawing my interest was the prettiest one. Maybe that's just me and obviously pretty girls aren't more interesting than average girls but if I have to make a choice, well there it is. And my own personal feeling is that it's very hard to be pretty and overweight.

But then that isn't true, urgh. I think I'm pretty. I do, most of the time. I think I have a pretty face and like, I have a mirror over my wardrobe so basically, parallel to my bed is a wall length mirror so I can see myself pretty much all the time I'm on the computer and yeah, when I have bad days, I move the panel across so I don't have to see myself but mostly, I like how I look. I don't mind my legs and my bum and my boobs are awesome and my hair is nice and my face is cute and with a shirt on my tummy looks fine so I'm actually happy with it.

I'm not saying it'll last or that I think I'd feel the same way if I was outside, you know, around people but... I don't know, I like myself. I like my colouring and my face and one day I will get my body the way I want it. Most likely not this time, because obviously I've failed so many times, I don't know why this time will be different, but eventually. I will end up where I want to be, even if it takes 3 years.

I don't want to be anyone else. I like who I am, mentally and physically. Like, my best friend is beautiful. Objectively, she's tall and slim and has pointy shoulder blades and decent boobs. The definition of curvy when applied to a skinny girl. And she has a pretty face and pretty sure she has dimples and prominent cheekbones and whatnot. But it's not like I want to switch with her. I like me.  I'd be less happy with her appearance than mine, and it's nothing to do with hers not being nice, I just actually do love what I look like and think I'm pretty, most of the time.

So yeah, I'm in this weird place where I don't actually hate myself, but then I do, and I don't and it's complicated. Probably something I read about 'my body is always in a flux of change.' Meaning that our bodies aren't stable and what I look like today isn't who I'll be tomorrow and next month or next year and even if I get to my goal, that isn't ever the end of it, it's always just a state that changes. Maybe a little bit, maybe a lot and while that's intimidating, it's also comforting because a lot of that control over that change is mine.

Also, I decided to fake tan my legs and that looks pretty decent (apart from on the ankles which are shocking haha). I think it's just a mix of that and my hair looking decently blonde and being back in contacts after a week of glasses that's just making me happy about everything, even if I haven't left the house in a day and a half and I have eaten less than perfectly. I just need to keep going. I have a countdown going until New Year, because that's when I'm leaving most likely, on about the 2nd or 3rd of January. It's about 86 days (my door still says 'Lucy I know you suck at everything but 110 days') so I have to change it.

I think it's good having it there, it also says 'don't ignore me you lazy bitch' underneath, which is good because every time I leave my room to get food, it at least makes me a hesitate an extra second longer.

Don't be concerned by the fact that I call myself names, I speak to myself in third person a lot. I make up a lot of different personas, like 'Past Lucy' and 'Future Lucy' to convince myself of stuff and then I actually made up an alternate Lucy, who had a different name as a way of trying to create accountability for myself inside my own head.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in because well, I'm supposed to be doing an essay. 200 words an hour doesn't seem like much when I just wrote this 1000 word blog in fucking 20 minutes but that's literally as fast as I can possible go.

Toodles.

I started swimming :)

I've decided I'm too lazy to run. I like it when I'm doing it (ish) and I like the way I feel after but it's getting hotter, swimming can be more social and it's new so I am more motivated to do it.

I swam 2k this morning, which I think is impressive. I've gone 3 times now, last Thursday, this Wednesday and this morning (Thursday). I swam 1.35k, 1.5k and 2k those times respectively.

The first time I did it with a girl from work Stacey. We had had the idea to go walking before work for exercise, on the days we start at the same time. But then she asked it if'd like to go to the pool instead. I was hesitant, because I didn't own a one-piece swimsuit and did I still have goggles and I'd have to wake up early etc, but I sorted my crap out, went to Best and Less that afternoon and got cheap swimmers, found my googles and went to bed early.

I am slow at swimming, but I'm sure I've improved, just over the 3 times I've been. I can breathe a lot more smoothly and once I started resting every 100m, rather than each lap, I found it going faster and being a lot more manageable. I'm the type of person that counts each lap obsessively, and works out what percentage I've done, and how much to go, and if I did this many more, what would it be etc. Maybe when I become a stronger swimmer, or at least more confident, I could start stopping every second time I get back to my drink bottle, which I keep at the shallow end of the 50m pool.

I'm just having fun with it right now and it's letting me be a bit more flexible with the not-so-healthy eating (which probably isn't that good). But it's just been like a friend asking me to dessert and it being important that I not say no, and a party today, where the main emphasis was on the food she cooked, so I think it's been a good thing.

And my legs are so sore. I always think of swimming as an arm sport, because that's where my focus is when I'm doing it, on how many strokes until I breathe again, is my hand entering the water right, etc. But the kicking is actually what makes it hardcore I think, even if I don't particularly notice at the time, when I try to get out the pool, I wobble around like crazy.

Anyway, just a brief update, since I'm very determined to not talk/ obsess over weight on this blog, it's not good for me. But this was something positive and I'm excited for it.

• 1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?
• I tried alcohol because I was curious (my reason for most things). I wanted to see if I'd feel different, if it'd taste good etc.
• 2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?
• Most of me says no, I couldn't do it, but then one time recently, even though logically I was 99.8% sure I couldn't be pregnant, the 0.02% went crazy and I hated the thought of something inside me growing and feeding, like a leech alien. Which I did not expect at all, and at that moment, I thought, yes I'd get an abortion. So I'm not sure which side of me is rational and which side is irrational about. I like to think I never would, but...
• 3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?
• I'd rent a crappy hotel room if I was by myself, sleep in my car if I was with someone. Not romantically or anything, I just wouldn't like to sleep in the middle of nowhere in a car, if I didn't have someone else there verifying that wasn't a super dumb idea. 
• 4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear?
• I don't like wearing white shirts but I wouldnt go as far as saying 'never'.
• 5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?
• Not that I can think of... score. Oh, except for group work. Even when I think my ideas are better, I usually go along.
• 6. What is your favorite video game console? Why?
• PS2. It's just the one I grew up with.
• 7. Do you like vanilla candles?
• I don't have any aversion.
• 8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?
• No, but I know the feeling with dating and crushes. Sometimes it just takes one small thing to turn me off them completely.
• 9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde?
• I totally would.
• 10. What are your plans for tomorrow?
• Uni. 
• 11. What did you have for breakfast?
• Fruit salad.
• 12. Have you had sex in 2013 yet?
• Yep.
• 13. Who last slept in your bed besides you?
• Well, Megan was lying in it next to me last night when we watched movies but I don't remember the last time I slept next to someone. Probs Mia, but not lately.
• 14. What time did you wake up today?
• 9:30?
• 15. How long until your next birthday?
• 2 and a half months.
• 16. What was the last movie you watched?
• Juno. Last night. Before that we watched Orphan.
• 17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?
• Darren Criss.
• 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter?
• This morning, with apple slices.
• 19. What’s the last song you heard?
• Skyscraper, Demi Lovato.
• 20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it?
• Yeppp.
• 21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
• Maybe a little.
• 22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?
• Not regularly.
• 23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
• Well, just dwelling on the last question, that I don't talk to any of my exes. I always find that a bit odd, as a concept. That as a society, we accept that it's totally normal to cut off all contact with the people we loved the most, once we decide we don't want to be in a romantic relationship anymore. 
• 24. Where’s the last place you went?
• I drove to Bulli last night, to drop Megan home.
• 25. Have you held hands with anyone lately?
• Like, 3 weeks ago, yeah. I don't really like linking fingers though, I've always thought it wasn't as nice as regular holding hands but when I had a boyfriend he always did the linking fingers and other boys that have held my hand do it too. 
• 26. Has anyone let you down recently?
• No...
• 27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
• If I don't care about them, I just laugh about it and the people I do care about don't try. If they do make me jealous unknowingly, I do get bothered though. I get jealous of my best friends close relationships with other girls. That makes me insecure. Boyfriends, yeah, whatever, I can't help them having that, but since I don't have one, they know for sure they're my closest peps, so they aren't allowed to have other best friends. Thems the rules.
• 28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters?
• Catching Fire!
• 29. Do you have more than $50 in your room?
• It's possible but I don't think so.
• 30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life?
• Ja.
• 31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning?
• Yeah, I mean, I woke up natural and everything, after at least 8 hours of sleep, but I still stumbled out of my room grunting and making weird mumbling sounds. How does mum put up with me? She says 'good morning lucy' and I just go 'ngggdhhhhnngg'.
• 32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
• No one? The only person who is mad at me isn't the type to talk about it with anyone. I'm sure people do occasionally talk about me behind my back and there could be some bitching involved, but I don't think people are being malicious. Everybody talks about everybody, that's how people are.
• 33. When was the last time you went apple picking?
• Never. I went to the Big Banana and picked some bananas one time though.
• 34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?
• Nah, I just snuggle and try to stick in my dream for a bit.
• 35. Are you happy summer is coming soon?
• I do love Summer but it's coming a bit too fast for me.
• 36. Do you have drama in your life?
• Always the drama. Actually, not true. My life floats along like a boat in a kids abandoned paddling pool, no waves, just very chill.