Just some musings bout that one particular boy, don't even judge me

I read a quote today, 'don't romanticise people that hurt you'.

You-know-who has haunted me for a long, long time. Just a little bit, but when it comes down to it, the fact is that romanticising what we had describes a) this blog and b) my thought processes that still remain today, to an extent.

Every time I told myself that he was special, that it was an exception, something I'd never regret or forget or want to change, that's romanticising.

It's much better to just leave the explanation in a way that is equally as honest, but much less flattering. He was immature and didn't care about me in the same way I did for him. I didn't know how to communicate properly, was too shy and full of pride to admit my feelings. Because of that, I acted immaturely, punishing him with silent treatment that I only employed to make him focus on me and chase me, with mixed signals because I was too confused and infatuated to make a firm decision on what course of action I wanted to take.

I let him control too much of our relationship, because I was too scared of losing him to risk saying no, or that things he did weren't okay with me, or hurt my feelings. Because of this, he didn't properly understand what I was thinking and feeling most of the time, and this added to our bad decision making and frustration with each other, because we didn't realise how unclear our actions were in communicating our thoughts and intent.

While he made me feel desired and loved, he also made me feel insecure and not good enough. I didn't get what I really needed from him, but I let myself believe that I had. I felt like I'd give him everything and anything he wanted and that wasn't healthy at all.

I don't deny it was love, but it was also very much infatuation. 'Crazy love'.

I don't feel anything for  him anymore. Bemusement perhaps. He isn't special anymore. I didn't believe you could share something with someone and have it not matter later, but you can. Feelings change and so do people. I grew up some, added some life experience (just a bit) and figured out who I am since year 12 and when he knew me.

It's not even as significant an event as I was sure it would be. I suppose things rarely are.

It's good though, I'm glad I'm all over him and that he's doing good and I'm doing good and I just don't have any regrets that things didn't turn out different or that we'd done this or that. Like, for a long time I think I thought that I'd have liked to have slept with him. And maybe from his perspective, it was a no chance in hell, but from mine I could have seen it happening. Now that whole idea just makes me laugh and think 'who cares'.

I like that.