but I might do because when I'm insecure about something, I'm quite vicious about it towards myself and while don't necessarily think that should be generalised to other people, it could be taken that way.
I'm at this weird place because a) I weigh more than I've ever weighed. This could easily have the potential to get me down or terrify me, especially since I'm going away so soon and will be expected to make friends and meet so many new people and the more I weigh, the more unworthy I feel of being someone's new friend. It doesn't make much sense but that's how I feel 1000%. My best friends now are fine, they have to accept me (though mum does tell me it'd make their life easier if I was skinny, as she tells me the prettier/outgoing my friends are, obviously the more likely boys are to approach us, the easier it'll be to make new friends etc.) She's said this for a long time and while I feel I should disagree in principal, it is probably true. And yeah, I do believe in body positivity and healthy at any weight and not owing a thin body to anyone but that's theory and in real life I feel at the very least, I owe myself a thin body because whether self inflicted or legitimately, I lose opportunities.
Besides, people are drawn to pretty people. Last week I met a bunch of a friend of mines uni friends and that's just how it is, the one that kept drawing my interest was the prettiest one. Maybe that's just me and obviously pretty girls aren't more interesting than average girls but if I have to make a choice, well there it is. And my own personal feeling is that it's very hard to be pretty and overweight.
But then that isn't true, urgh. I think I'm pretty. I do, most of the time. I think I have a pretty face and like, I have a mirror over my wardrobe so basically, parallel to my bed is a wall length mirror so I can see myself pretty much all the time I'm on the computer and yeah, when I have bad days, I move the panel across so I don't have to see myself but mostly, I like how I look. I don't mind my legs and my bum and my boobs are awesome and my hair is nice and my face is cute and with a shirt on my tummy looks fine so I'm actually happy with it.
I'm not saying it'll last or that I think I'd feel the same way if I was outside, you know, around people but... I don't know, I like myself. I like my colouring and my face and one day I will get my body the way I want it. Most likely not this time, because obviously I've failed so many times, I don't know why this time will be different, but eventually. I will end up where I want to be, even if it takes 3 years.
I don't want to be anyone else. I like who I am, mentally and physically. Like, my best friend is beautiful. Objectively, she's tall and slim and has pointy shoulder blades and decent boobs. The definition of curvy when applied to a skinny girl. And she has a pretty face and pretty sure she has dimples and prominent cheekbones and whatnot. But it's not like I want to switch with her. I like me. I'd be less happy with her appearance than mine, and it's nothing to do with hers not being nice, I just actually do love what I look like and think I'm pretty, most of the time.
So yeah, I'm in this weird place where I don't actually hate myself, but then I do, and I don't and it's complicated. Probably something I read about 'my body is always in a flux of change.' Meaning that our bodies aren't stable and what I look like today isn't who I'll be tomorrow and next month or next year and even if I get to my goal, that isn't ever the end of it, it's always just a state that changes. Maybe a little bit, maybe a lot and while that's intimidating, it's also comforting because a lot of that control over that change is mine.
Also, I decided to fake tan my legs and that looks pretty decent (apart from on the ankles which are shocking haha). I think it's just a mix of that and my hair looking decently blonde and being back in contacts after a week of glasses that's just making me happy about everything, even if I haven't left the house in a day and a half and I have eaten less than perfectly. I just need to keep going. I have a countdown going until New Year, because that's when I'm leaving most likely, on about the 2nd or 3rd of January. It's about 86 days (my door still says 'Lucy I know you suck at everything but 110 days') so I have to change it.
I think it's good having it there, it also says 'don't ignore me you lazy bitch' underneath, which is good because every time I leave my room to get food, it at least makes me a hesitate an extra second longer.
Don't be concerned by the fact that I call myself names, I speak to myself in third person a lot. I make up a lot of different personas, like 'Past Lucy' and 'Future Lucy' to convince myself of stuff and then I actually made up an alternate Lucy, who had a different name as a way of trying to create accountability for myself inside my own head.
Anyway, I just wanted to check in because well, I'm supposed to be doing an essay. 200 words an hour doesn't seem like much when I just wrote this 1000 word blog in fucking 20 minutes but that's literally as fast as I can possible go.
Toodles.
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