“One of the most insightful things I’ve ever read about eating disorders and body esteem in general was a comment on my blog a while ago that I regret being unable to find now. The writer was saying that most people think girls want to be skinny because of Hollywood and Vogue. This girl wanted to be skinny because she wanted to be a protagonist. She didn’t expose herself to mainstream fashion magazines or TV; she was interested in art films and books and indie music. But no matter how alternative the movie, the protagonist was almost always skinny. And wanting to be a protagonist means wanting to be someone, as most people do. Apparently, your story is only worth hearing, you’re only someone, if you’re skinny—it’s like, the blueprint of a human. Once that’s down, you’re allowed to be as interesting and protagonist-y as you want! Apparently. No matter how much people our age have been raised ongirl power and believe in yourself and you are beautiful, ignoring the beauty standards of the culture we live in is close to impossible. And as this lady pointed out, these standards and expectations exist outside mainstream culture like reality TV and tabloids; they exist in punk and indie cultures, in “artsy” Tumblr cultures that are all about looking like a fairy, but only if you’re a skinny white girl.”
I really want to be a protagonist. I hate being called a follower because to me that means I don't have my own story, I don't have my own agency. I'm not interesting enough or funny enough or pretty enough or smart enough to rate any of that. When I imagine my life being part of a book or any kind of told story... maybe a TV show or soap opera or whatnot, I think... 'would I have any fans? Would anyone care about my character? I don't want to be a random extra, like I have my own fucking life and problems and relationships and that stuff should matter, regardless of how pretty I am or attractive and it devastates me that maybe that isn't the case.
In the show Skins, it's about a group of 6 people, and each episode is specifically dedicated to one of them. Completely. You see the others as the protagonist interacts with them, separately and as a group, but also alone, and with their families and at school and with other people that the other people don't see.
There was a character, Pandora. She was... uncool. She was innocent and dumb and a pushover and naive and all these things I hate. I hate them in myself. But this character, not only did she look alarmingly like me, but I identified very strongly with her. Which I hated. Because to my mind, she was the worst parts of who I was. She wasn't super skinny, she had big front teeth and people thought she was weird and she was and she wore her hair in pigtails and rambled too much and didn't get it. She didn't know how to be cool.
And she had this best friend, who was beautiful and skinny and wore a lot of eyeliner and wore short skirts with fishnet stockings who all the boys wanted to fuck and to be with and she was the main character and she was who I wanted to be, not fucking useless, boring, Pandora.
But then, in Pandora's episode, I cried, so fucking hard and only half understood why. She was having a birthday party, just her and Effie (best friend) and two other girls and everyone thought her house was weird, and her Mum was weird and what she wanted to do was stupid and they patronised her and all she wanted was for them to play Twister and Effie to tell her how to 'do sex'.
But instead, they get everyone high off brownies and things go fucking crazy and she's crying in the bathroom and Effie is just like 'what is the fucking problem, I'll teach you how to give a blowjob' and Pandora just goes off and says that it was her party and it was supposed to be them helping her and doing what she wanted and instead Effie just did what she liked and its not like that outburst changed anything, she was still left alone crying in the bathroom.
But later... everyone else was gone or asleep or unconscious and Cook, resident asshole and cocky dickhead was the only one left awake and Pandora tells him what she'd wanted- twister and advice on sex (because she has a boyfriend but he's been deported). And Cook says ok, teach me twister. And excitable Pandora does. And what I liked about it, was that Panda was uncool, and she wasn't stick thin or the 'main character' but she still got to be sexy and she got to have this scene where she was absolutely seen as desirable.
I got a boyfriend because of this scene. Literally, this is what made me date my first boyfriend, because I wanted what Pandora had. It made me choose to get with a guy I knew was into me- and lets be clear here, we got together because I decided. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. It was the most powerful I'd ever been in a way, that's the main thing I got from that relationship, this delirious feeling that I was important and I mattered and I was in control. Not exactly what most people get out of their first relationships but that was what I did.
I was fifteen when I first saw this and all that happened and it still remains one of the sexiest scenes I can remember ever seeing. When Cook kissed down her stomach and the camera stayed focused on Pandora and it was so intensely about Pandora and this being her moment and her evolution and journey and story, that really stayed with me.
This entry really is about insecurity. In a way, the difference between Pandora and I, as she is just so unabashedly who she is. But on the other hand, Pandora literally says things like she's useless and no boys want her and it's not that she isn't self aware because she is, which made her real to me.
I forget that I had insecurity before you-know-who and the weight thing. It didn't seem as noteworthy at the time but looking back, you know, I think they were, I've just forgotten mostly, what it was like to be 13 and 15 and deal with all of it. I actually think I have gotten a lot more dramatic over the years in regards to my feelings.
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