A annoying facet of life is not knowing how I present to other people. When I look at others, sometimes I feel like I know their exact thought processes. I understand them. Other times though, I see people one way but then they surprise me and I realise what I see and assume about them isn't necessarily what is underneath.
And because sometimes I feel so contrary-- sometimes on purpose, sometimes just due to conflicting desires and personality confusion, I feel like I am not always consistent in my behaviour with others either, and I feel it's likely I confuse others in the same way.
Sometimes I think about myself, if I was a character, how would I be described? It's why sometimes, I like being written about, or finding myself in a video someone's taken, or even in photographs. I am filled with their crushing desire to see me from outside of myself. Even if it generally awful and it makes me unhappy, it's never something I could bare to look away from.
Besides, depending on what kind of self esteem day it is, I feel differently and would write differently about myself. Sometimes it's nothing but flaws-- I am lazy and mean and hopeless and awkward and a freak-- but other times, it's I'm pretty and I am kind and I have quirks that are unique to me and I have something special to say and I am valuable. When I'm with my friends I can be funny, I want to take care of them and I try to make them feel good. I try my best, I'm smart, I push myself to be better.
People are conflicts I think.
Like, my best friend Mia. She is so passionate about things, both for good and bad. She hated you-know-who and was so rude to him, but she did it because she was being protective of me. She loves her boyfriend so much, to irrationality sometimes when she refuses to think that they may not be together forever, but also she's rational enough to know if they did, she'd be okay and not want to kill herself.
And she's confident, it amazes me sometimes. If someone said something that I didn't hear properly, or hadn't heard of, I'd just smile and nod, but she's actually own up to it and the conversation would be better for it. She speaks her mind more than anyone I know and yeah, it's rude sometimes and it's blunt but I like it. I like that she and I fit, because she says what I think, and she knows I won't say it, except to her.
I think what I could learn from truly confident people, is that not knowing something is okay. You just admit it. I try so very hard to be competent, and perhaps even more to appear competent, even when a lot of the time I'm not. I was sheltered growing up, I don't have a lot of life experience yet and it's almost impossible to not be shy and awkward, when you are. Conversation just doesn't flow from me, I'm not quick and I'm not at all funny. Even my cousins, who aren't cool or traditionally funny, they have this brand of humour that just cracks me up but it's not something I can replicate. It's pretty foreign to me.
I think to be funny, you need confidence in it. I read somewhere that all puns are bad puns, but it doesn't matter, if you think them, you should say them. Why the fuck not right?
A lot of the time, I'm like my own best companion, me and my brain. We just crack jokes and make snide remarks inside my head but maybe I could try to be more of an extrovert, rather than just studying and attempting to badly replicate the behaviour of other people I know, I'd be more of a character than just me, who is quiet and can't verbalise the things she thinks.
Feels a bit weird wanting to give you advice seeing as I'm probably more socially awkward than you are, but I think I can give you some advice about joking and being funny. You're definitely right about needing confidence in your jokes: if you don't believe what you're saying is funny, absolutely no one else will. I've performed my routines both with and without confidence, saying the exact same thing both times whilst only changing how much I committed to each joke, and the difference in audience-reaction is remarkable.
ReplyDeleteAs for being more openly funny, it sounds like you think of stuff and don't say it. Crack those jokes and make those remarks out loud! Obviously keep a filter on so you don't insult people or whatever, but you're not the kind of person who'd do that anyway. It's a risk every time you do it, but like most other social things, the perceived risk is way higher than the actual risk. And pulling it off successfully is worth it cos people notice, in terms of both the joke itself and the confidence you exude.
Take your birthday, for example: when you were cutting the cake, I think Corey said something like "and remember: if the knife touches the bottom, you have to kiss the nearest boy! Looks like Ryan is closest." Ryan replied "No, Liam is clearly closer", to which I replied "I'll stay right here then." I think Jess then turned around and laughed. There was a second or two between Ryan's comment and mine where I was like "Should I say that? Will she get mad? Will she think I actually want to kiss her? She has every reason to think that cos I'm a fucking creep." But I said it anyway cos I was in a good mood and quickly stopped giving a shit. It was still risky, cos you could have taken it seriously and rolled your eyes or something. But in the end, it paid off. I don't know if the others heard it or thought it was funny, but one person laughed and that made it worth it. In a group setting, it only takes one laugh to make a joke worth telling: fuck everyone else and their lame-ass sense of humour. When with specific people rather than a large group setting, it’s better to listen closely and know what they specifically find funny so you can work with with that.
Another thing: being funny isn't so much about thinking of funny things as it is letting funny things come out. I didn't actively think of that line I said, and Ryan/Corey probably didn't think of theirs either: it was just automatic. So I wouldn't advise trying to be funny as much as I'd advise trying to be more open with the funny things you think. It goes with the confidence thing, I suppose: you wanna be cool with being funny when you *feel* like it. You don't owe these people laughs; you give them the opportunity to laugh when you're good and ready.
And you definitely don't wanna try to replicate the humour of someone else -- it comes off as theft of personality. When I tried to make jokes like those of my favourite comedians, it just didn't work. But when I made jokes without such imitation, they came out pretty good. Influence from funny people is great, but trying to *be* them won't work. Take Ryan's comment about me being closer to you than he was: that's a typical Ryan comment. He's a smartarse, and that's something a smartarse would say. In the same way, my comment is the kind of weird, creepy thing someone like me would say. If your jokes are those of a snide bitch, be a snide bitch. A funny snide bitch is still funny. But yeah, I'd say the confidence is probably the root issue: I was able to make that joke at your party because I was in a good mood, so if you're in a good mood, it'll be heaps easier to make funny comments. As for how to be confident, I'm clearly in no position to be giving advice there :P
But yeah, hope this doesn't come off as patronising, and isn't stuff that's too obvious. Just figured I'd share my experience :)