Stress.

"I'm really gonna miss you picking fights, and me, falling for it, screaming that I'm right."

Other people doesn't get it, the way my relationship is with my ex. It's difficult and not fun and stressful and irritating and you give a lot more than you get.

They're not there, they're not the ones that has to make sure he's being safe, or looking after his own best interests. He's not the one that's going to get chastised for smothering him or being pushy, when the alternative is let him fuck up his own life. I can't just shut up like the other girls seem to and just discuss how stupid he's being when he's not around. At least I tell him what I think.

I'm the one that has to deal with his passive aggressive comments, with his constant blase comments about taking his own life, that has to spend hours and long nights trying to convince him that life is worth living. That has to deal with his mood swings, him taking it out on me through dick comments that do nothing but bring me down. Nights when he scares me and I have to send off SOS messages because I can't deal with it myself. When I get all the blame for dating him and breaking it off, for encouraging him with another girl that didn't work out. When I still get called harpy for 'breaking his heart' by the person who shattered mine.

I do toy with the idea that his issues with me have to do with the fact that we dated. I don't think so, I mean, okay this is going to sound bad, but us dating and breaking up was seriously low key. It doesn't really rate for me. I didn't really feel anything except relief when we broke up. Same as I feel now.

He didn't love me. He didn't. I'm not just trying to justify it. Our relationship mostly sucked. It was way one sided, we barely talked about our feelings. He was never that comfortable around me. He told me he loved me the first time over text before telling me he thought I preferred someone else. He'd mumble it to me as he hugged me goodbye while I awkwardly stood there knowing my friends who were next to me had heard it to. Awkward describes us as a couple. We were fine at being friends, but as a couple it was like he'd thrust his feelings at me and then run away. Like, say 'love you' then retreat. Pull out my birthday present as I was getting off the bus, so all I could say is 'thanks'. Do the same thing when he had to apologise, mutter a few words then leave.

So I personally don't have any attachment to us as a couple so the idea that he could mostly just confuses me. I mean, what was there to hold on to? It was a shitty relationship, he thought I was too good for him, I was apathetic and too shy to tell him how it really was-- that I wasn't trying to fall in love and get a life partner out of it, I was just looking for a for-now boyfriend and I knew that right from the start. It was unequal and I was probably in the wrong for not valuing him highly enough- in that I wouldn't hold back because him breaking up with me was neither a scary thought nor a realistic one. What I'm trying to say is that as far as relationships go, that wasn't love. I think. I don't know. It certainly wasn't healthy love. It wasn't positive or productive or realistic. I don't know. He'd do things for me and be romantic that way but to me a relationship is an honest partnership and that wasn't us.

He didn't love me so it doesn't make sense that he'd have enough feelings left about the issue to have an impact now. It's also that I hooked him up with another girl. Ish. I didn't. I talked to both of them and I encouraged it because I wanted him to be happy, even though I started having doubts about how happy it would make the girl. And when those doubts came true, he got pissed at me for facilitating that relationship blossoming.

It's like he doesn't consider himself responsible for anything that I have a hand in. Well, screw him.

Tell me this is stress that I should have had to put up with. (This is a conversation I was having with someone else. It's old but legit.)

• • Me: fuck, he's gone offline
  • right after telling me he's cutting

• •  i think i pissed him off
  • i didn't even mean to. in the last ten minutes, he called me a dumb bitch, a slut, and an arrogant and manipulative bitch. i just laughed it off but then he says im not taking him seriously

    
    

Fucking same old, same old. 'Not taking him seriously' is exactly what he said to me in our last fight. Oh, because it would be so much better if I said 'You want me to take you seriously? Stop fucking around and take control of your own life. Stop bitching, stop tearing other people down, stop being an attention seeker. Stop disregarding everyone that's trying to help you and watching their reactions when you tell them you'll be dead 2 years from now so no point planning for the future. When you tell them you were out all night because you were involved with some druggos. You want me to stop patronising  you and treating you like a child? Fucking earn it.'

Not my fucking problem anymore. My ex is an asshole. He doesn't respect me, he brings me down because he can't deal with his own life and it annoys him when I'm happy and enjoying life and he can't get it together. He's spiteful and manipulative and gets his jollies from screwing with me. Is he depressed? Yes. He's been depressed for years and I've done more than anyone to try to help him.

We aren't friends though now and like I told you-know-who, I'm glad.

It's like a weight off my shoulders.

You-know-who's acting like it's my fault. He's saying it's my fault. He's defending my ex and saying he's not a dick and saying  to me 'what did you do, harpy?' and 'what did you fight with him about?' and 'you're super judgemental, that's probably why' and all those sorts of things. And then I try to say something and he just goes 'if you say so.' He won't argue anything or let me argue anything.

Therefore why I am here. Ranting.

This. Is. Not. My. Fault.