ramblings about personality or what makes people attractive

I'm trying to work out exactly what it is I find attractive in guys. Or just people, I don't know. We'll see how far I get. Just for fun. Or so when I next get a boyfriend, I can checklist.

I want to work out what qualities it is that attracts me to people, what characteristics they all have in common.

I think one of the highest things is confidence. Not swag or arrogance or loudness particularly, it can just be that quiet 'I believe in myself' type but confidence is sexy. Or maybe just lack of confidence is so unsexy. Just the ability to talk without putting themselves or others down. Modesty is one thing but lack of self worth is just a downer. Plus I like it when guys are confident enough to take the lead, to take hints and confidently take the knowledge that you're interested and act on it. That is sexy.

That kind of ties into my competence kink. I like guys that are good at stuff. Guys that are as good as me, that are better, that teach me. I like teaching too but learning from someone that knows what they're talking about really gets me. When you can learn from someone without them becoming patronising or arrogant or know-it-all, I love that. Even when it's small things like a card game or how to spin a basketball on your finger or how to switch the cables on the TV so I can play the PS2. Maybe I'm just opportunistic and like guys that make my life more convenient lol.

I like smart guys. Guys that understand things, that know things, that get good marks, that care about their future, that I can have deep discussions about life with. That don't say 'I don't get it' or 'I don't care.' That will debate shit with me and argue until they're blue in the face if they think they're right but still have the ability to conceed that they're wrong if they realise it.

I like guys that try things. More confidence stuff here, but I like guys that are comfortable with themselves, who will do lame things if they want to and not care about what other people might think. When people don't just react to others and have actual opinions of their own that they'll express, that's awesome. The type of people that can just say something that sounds totally unrealistic but they're so calm and confident about it that it's easy to believe them. Like... they say 'let's go do so-and-so' and you say 'what, no, that's stupid and lame' but they convince you and afterwards you realise that was actually really fun. People like that, that change your preconceptions and get you out of your comfort zone. People that just act like themselves and be comfortable in it.

I suppose that's what I like in someone generally. What I like in a relationship is different. I know I've had boyfriends but I still don't feel like I ever really did have a relationship. At least, not a good example of one. So this is mostly hypothetical, but I am looking forward to working all this stuff out for real. I know I've written these things before, like when I was 15.

"I want a boyfriend. I really truly do. Not in a – im desperate- way but I want someone that comes to me first in the morning and says hello. I wnt someone who will care and who I can talk to and not have to watch everything I say and I want an automatic person that puts me at the top of the list. If I had someone, I would do that for them too."

And this.

"I don’t want a boyfriend for the kissing, I want it for the friend. Kisses I think would be good, nothing past that though, NO WAY."

I was kind of cute back then. Immature for sure, but I knew what I wanted. I wanted someone for me. I wanted a best friend really. A best friend that wouldn't ditch me for a relationship cos I was their relationship. I've always sort of held the view that a boyfriend is basically just friendship plus sexual attraction. Like, a boyfriend should be your best friend. If in an alternate universe they were a girl, they should be your bffl. In the end, it's got to be you and them in a 'us against the world' type thing.

Back when I was 15/16 and I was writing all this teenage angst about boys and not having a boyfriend and freaking out over having feelings for people I didn't expect and wondering about religion and God and how much of an awful person I was and if I was going to Hell, I was generally quite cynical. More than I am now. Back then I was all, love is bullshit, doesn't exist, especially not at our age. I was more judgmental and probably more of a prude. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Still, the things I wrote.

"If I ever do it I'm gonna make sure that I am so sure. It all seems pretty disgusting really and dirty and yucky. It's supposed to be intimate but I don’t see how it is. It makes you very vulnerable I suppose but that’s not really intimacy. I guess it's physical love. Or something. But at the same time, it's just physical gratification. Using someone else to make you feel good. Which is yuck. All the terms for physical stuff like that, like fooling around and getting off and fucking. It makes it seem yucky and not nice. I mean, there are nicer terms, making love and all that. But still.

But kissing wasn’t yucky. I don’t know. When I know more, I shall report on this topic. Still, sex scares the hell out of me. This seems retarded and weird but I don’t know if I’ll ever want to do stuff like that. Sure I want to kiss a boy but let him inside my body? Just no. Even if I love the person and trust them and everything." 

 It's funny being at an age like that where you feel so grown up and you think you know everything but feelings do change and ideas about things shift. It's why I write diaries and blogs, because intellectually I'm sure my mind will change but I never can convince myself of it at the time. Like, the Austin thing. I wrote so much because I know a year from then I'd feel so different and I was right. Now I read those entries and I'm so happy I wrote them because I love to see the journey 

My ideas on sex are odd. I remember feeling that way. Obviously I wasn't ready to sleep with anyone and I wouldn't have wanted to. Sex back then, at best it was a curiosity, at worst, it would have been a violation. I"m not saying that people that age shouldn't have sex. Like anything personal, it's a choice people should make for themselves, but certainly I wasn't going to go there anytime soon. I just saw it as something to investigate further as I got older. That's still my basic outlook. I've progressed since then. I don't think of it as 'yucky' anymore, and though I still think about the 'meaning' of sex and it's implications and the interplay between the people involved, I don't think of it as inherently bad or selfish or disgusting. I think I've gained the emotional maturity to deal with it realistically if I was to do it. I'm not in any rush however, which is nice.