journey

I feel weird. Now that this you-know-who thing is almost well and truly behind me, it's starting to dawn on me that I was... in a state of high emotional intensity that kind of freaks me out a bit.

I was out of control.

I was all kinds of whacked out and crazy and I was feeling things that were new and special and made me do stupid things.

And I don't know if I was seeing things as clearly as I believed I was. I thought I could be calm and rational but hindsight is 20/20 and I wasn't as logical and clear as I maybe thought I was at the time.

At the time, I thought I was making the best decisions and I don't know... maybe I did. Maybe I'm not harsh enough to myself here but at the time, knowing what I knew and feeling what I felt, I don't know what other decisions I could have made that would have been better in the long run. I made choices that hurt people and hurt myself but the alternative... could have hurt me a lot worse if I didn't try anything. If I didn't end it when I did, that could have got even more intensely messy. If we'd never dealt with things, we could have done it again and again and that would have been the epitome of fucked up and I wouldn't have known whether to keep going or stop or how to stop or what to do and it would have driven me insane.

If I hadn't done it at all, same deal. I would have let him string me along even further and that would have sucked.

I'm done blaming myself for it all. It was a bad situation that I let myself get into. I shouldn't have let it start- I should have cut it off before I let him give me hope. Being in love with him was fine- but not when he was giving me signs back. But I thought I could handle it and I let myself get deeper because I thought I was okay and I wasn't.

I wouldn't trade it... because now I value the experiences and lessons and emotions but clinically looking at it, that was the point I should have thought, no, I can't handle this. When we started texting and he started being sweet beyond friendship.

I suppose... this entry is just to say that I understand that now, that I feel like the feeling is gone now and I am shocked by how I remember feeling and how it consumed me and how much I wanted him.

At the time I knew I wouldn't feel like that forever. I knew moving on was going to happen if I let it but I didn't believe it completely. Now I'm on the other side.

Austin and I don't talk anymore and I don't care. I give almost no fucks at all.

I feel like I should... I mean, we were great friends. But, I don't.

Maybe that's bad. But I'm more relieved that I don't care. It's what I wanted right? Right from the beginning, I've just been waiting for apathy and now I'm close to it.

To be completely honest, it's not 100% there. I still remember liking him and I still remember how he made me feel and things like how sexy I found his voice. When I see him or think about him, those things are still a part of what I see. But we haven't talked in a long while, not really talked. He seemed to be taking a hiatus from our group and I'm not saying I understand it or it doesn't depress me a little when I think of the promises he made not to do that but that's life and I'm okay with it.