Back on the fitness wagon

I didn't blog all of this month. I guess once no one could see it, I lost absolutely all motivation to write. It didn't matter anymore. But now I'm over you-know-who and I don't have anything to write about him (no promises about the future but this is not a him-centric blog anymore, it's me-centric!)

So I'm back!

I've started on a new diet, and am back running and calorie counting. It's good, I enjoy it. I need to lose the weight and I stop panicking about it when I feel like I'm doing something about it. As long as I know it's not permanent and I'm taking steps to reclaim control of my diet and bad habits, I breathe easier and am just like 'Yeah, I weigh too much... but it's cool, cos it's not for too long."

By the start of spring, I want to be running at least 4k, or 25 minutes without walking. I want to weigh 65 kilos at max. I will be weighing myself for the first time (since 2 months ago when I quit, binged and basically said eff you to dieting, when I just lost motivation and was like 'well, who cares, chocolate makes me happy."

But i didn't lose total control and I'm hoping I didn't gain much weight. I'm sure I did but I'm sort of still hopeful that I'm at 72. That would make me happy. I'll weigh myself on Monday the 18th. That's 5 days from now so I'm hoping if I did put on weight, I can put a dent in it before I officially start counting again. This first week is kind of just a bonus, start up week. To try to get back some fitness, I'm doing C25K, which I rejected doing last time, I thought my own method was better and though it was challenging and good, it didn't provide me endurance, I need to run longer, not farther. So starting at week 3 of the C25K, I do a mixture of 90 second runs and 3 minutes runs, punctuated with 90 second walks and 3 minute walks.

It's tough but so am I! Next week there will be 5 minute runs. Ha! That'll make me want to kill myself, I can barely manage 3 minutes. Even the 90 seconds, which I don't dread that much aren't easy. Still, it's all about motivation in the end, so if I can keep up positive self talk and follow through, working through discomfort, then I'll be better off. Even in the short term, as soon as the run is over, all I can think is 'I could have gone further' and various happy thoughts. Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Runner's high. Even if 5 minutes isn't doable, and I legitimately think 'I need to walk' and I only make it 3 and a half minutes, or 4, well, it's improvement. Mia started only being able to do 1 minute, but she pb'd and did 90 seconds a bit later.

And though I fell of the wagon for 2 months (I could be DONE by now), I didn't drop everything completely and even if a few good habits stuck, it's still progress. And now I'm back on track, and planning to run every morning! I figure, even if my exercise doesn't keep up (certainly, I know I can't stay uber motivated forever, like I am now), exercise never did anyone no harm. Even if I don't keep this up and in a months time refuse to keep going, I'll be a whole month fitter and lighter. Even if that just means it takes longer to put back on the weight, it's still better than nothing.

And it's sort of fun and I feel good about myself when I'm doing it/done it. It's when I forget the way it makes me feel that I stop.