I miss my best friend.
Or... just friend.
I don't know.
She was my best friend.
But she got a boyfriend and then we stopped hanging out so much but it was okay because we had so much fun when we did hang out and she was my spirit animal and we got each other but then I grew up some more and she grew up some more and it went wrong and different.
She got more into being a gamer and music and art and I got more mainstream... I don't know. In some ways I felt like I was growing up and she wasn't and in other ways I felt she was more mature.
But I don't want to lose her and now Megan just said she's going with her for a week on holiday and i haven't even talked to her in months and I'm violently, violently jealous because I miss her and miss being friends with her and why Megan and not me.
It's not that I begrudge that Megan is still friends with her but I thought we were in the same boat and apparently not. It's hard and it makes me sad and mad and Jess frustrates me because I'm feeling like this and why isn't she feeling like this too? Why hasn't she contacted me in so long? I'm online all the time, I'm not hard to find.
Just a rant.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Thursday, 28 June 2012
journey
I feel weird. Now that this you-know-who thing is almost well and truly behind me, it's starting to dawn on me that I was... in a state of high emotional intensity that kind of freaks me out a bit.
I was out of control.
I was all kinds of whacked out and crazy and I was feeling things that were new and special and made me do stupid things.
And I don't know if I was seeing things as clearly as I believed I was. I thought I could be calm and rational but hindsight is 20/20 and I wasn't as logical and clear as I maybe thought I was at the time.
At the time, I thought I was making the best decisions and I don't know... maybe I did. Maybe I'm not harsh enough to myself here but at the time, knowing what I knew and feeling what I felt, I don't know what other decisions I could have made that would have been better in the long run. I made choices that hurt people and hurt myself but the alternative... could have hurt me a lot worse if I didn't try anything. If I didn't end it when I did, that could have got even more intensely messy. If we'd never dealt with things, we could have done it again and again and that would have been the epitome of fucked up and I wouldn't have known whether to keep going or stop or how to stop or what to do and it would have driven me insane.
If I hadn't done it at all, same deal. I would have let him string me along even further and that would have sucked.
I'm done blaming myself for it all. It was a bad situation that I let myself get into. I shouldn't have let it start- I should have cut it off before I let him give me hope. Being in love with him was fine- but not when he was giving me signs back. But I thought I could handle it and I let myself get deeper because I thought I was okay and I wasn't.
I wouldn't trade it... because now I value the experiences and lessons and emotions but clinically looking at it, that was the point I should have thought, no, I can't handle this. When we started texting and he started being sweet beyond friendship.
I suppose... this entry is just to say that I understand that now, that I feel like the feeling is gone now and I am shocked by how I remember feeling and how it consumed me and how much I wanted him.
At the time I knew I wouldn't feel like that forever. I knew moving on was going to happen if I let it but I didn't believe it completely. Now I'm on the other side.
Austin and I don't talk anymore and I don't care. I give almost no fucks at all.
I feel like I should... I mean, we were great friends. But, I don't.
Maybe that's bad. But I'm more relieved that I don't care. It's what I wanted right? Right from the beginning, I've just been waiting for apathy and now I'm close to it.
To be completely honest, it's not 100% there. I still remember liking him and I still remember how he made me feel and things like how sexy I found his voice. When I see him or think about him, those things are still a part of what I see. But we haven't talked in a long while, not really talked. He seemed to be taking a hiatus from our group and I'm not saying I understand it or it doesn't depress me a little when I think of the promises he made not to do that but that's life and I'm okay with it.
I was out of control.
I was all kinds of whacked out and crazy and I was feeling things that were new and special and made me do stupid things.
And I don't know if I was seeing things as clearly as I believed I was. I thought I could be calm and rational but hindsight is 20/20 and I wasn't as logical and clear as I maybe thought I was at the time.
At the time, I thought I was making the best decisions and I don't know... maybe I did. Maybe I'm not harsh enough to myself here but at the time, knowing what I knew and feeling what I felt, I don't know what other decisions I could have made that would have been better in the long run. I made choices that hurt people and hurt myself but the alternative... could have hurt me a lot worse if I didn't try anything. If I didn't end it when I did, that could have got even more intensely messy. If we'd never dealt with things, we could have done it again and again and that would have been the epitome of fucked up and I wouldn't have known whether to keep going or stop or how to stop or what to do and it would have driven me insane.
If I hadn't done it at all, same deal. I would have let him string me along even further and that would have sucked.
I'm done blaming myself for it all. It was a bad situation that I let myself get into. I shouldn't have let it start- I should have cut it off before I let him give me hope. Being in love with him was fine- but not when he was giving me signs back. But I thought I could handle it and I let myself get deeper because I thought I was okay and I wasn't.
I wouldn't trade it... because now I value the experiences and lessons and emotions but clinically looking at it, that was the point I should have thought, no, I can't handle this. When we started texting and he started being sweet beyond friendship.
I suppose... this entry is just to say that I understand that now, that I feel like the feeling is gone now and I am shocked by how I remember feeling and how it consumed me and how much I wanted him.
At the time I knew I wouldn't feel like that forever. I knew moving on was going to happen if I let it but I didn't believe it completely. Now I'm on the other side.
Austin and I don't talk anymore and I don't care. I give almost no fucks at all.
I feel like I should... I mean, we were great friends. But, I don't.
Maybe that's bad. But I'm more relieved that I don't care. It's what I wanted right? Right from the beginning, I've just been waiting for apathy and now I'm close to it.
To be completely honest, it's not 100% there. I still remember liking him and I still remember how he made me feel and things like how sexy I found his voice. When I see him or think about him, those things are still a part of what I see. But we haven't talked in a long while, not really talked. He seemed to be taking a hiatus from our group and I'm not saying I understand it or it doesn't depress me a little when I think of the promises he made not to do that but that's life and I'm okay with it.
Monday, 25 June 2012
monday
I feel.... disappointed. I feel like I've been trying really hard, been eating right even when eating right sucks and now it's not showing. Last Wednesday when I blogged I was 71.8. Since then I have bounced around down to 71.3 and now back up to 71.8. I don't understand it and it makes me angry and pissed off and makes me want to buy a whole pack of Clinkers, knowing that I have never been able to avoid finishing off the whole packet in less than a day.
Now Mia has lost 3 kilos, in basically a week. She has done less than me, I know that for a fact. She acknowledges that she hasn't exercised that much or avoided everything unhealthy. She doesn't need it as much as I do but she saw results and I wish I did too.
I need to be happy for her and I am, I'm just frustrated right this moment. I need to focus on the fact that I can run. That I am going to go for a run and I'm going to get a PB and come back and be brilliant today.
I haven't run for awhile because I've been busy and injured and slack and maybe that's why I didn't lose anything. I don't want that to be the case so I will run today and I will try to hold off on the Clinkers and I WILL AVOID THIS BINGE AND THIS BAD DAY AND MAKE IT A GOOD DAY BECAUSE THAT IS IN MY POWER AND THIS IS MY DECISION AND MY CONTROL.
------
Everything is shit.
That is all
Now Mia has lost 3 kilos, in basically a week. She has done less than me, I know that for a fact. She acknowledges that she hasn't exercised that much or avoided everything unhealthy. She doesn't need it as much as I do but she saw results and I wish I did too.
I need to be happy for her and I am, I'm just frustrated right this moment. I need to focus on the fact that I can run. That I am going to go for a run and I'm going to get a PB and come back and be brilliant today.
I haven't run for awhile because I've been busy and injured and slack and maybe that's why I didn't lose anything. I don't want that to be the case so I will run today and I will try to hold off on the Clinkers and I WILL AVOID THIS BINGE AND THIS BAD DAY AND MAKE IT A GOOD DAY BECAUSE THAT IS IN MY POWER AND THIS IS MY DECISION AND MY CONTROL.
------
Everything is shit.
That is all
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
complex
My best friend.
Mia is awesome, she totally is. I hang out with her more than anyone and talk to her the most and go to her first and she gets me. She's my bffl.
She's also totally skinny and according to the boys, pretty hot. We're doing the diet/weight loss thing together which is great, she's great to do it with because she pushes me to be better.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing but we are very different when it comes to weight loss. She's already thin so it's not the same for her. I'm not saying she doesn't have her own goals and motivations and reasons but she's got about half of what I have to lose. I'm about 6kg heavier and 5 inches shorter. She's tall. I think our goal weights are about the same though, around 60kg. In a 'let's get there and then go from there.' type way.
She's better at diet than me, though I'm getting better and we're both calorie counting so she isn't doing anything I can't/aren't doing. I'm better at exercise and do more of it. I'm just more sporty generally and my goals include fitness much higher on the list than she has.
Still, diet is 70% of weightloss so she has the advantage there.
I have it though because I have more to lose. We haven't been going long enough to really tell yet but I've lost more so far and should be able to decrease the gap a bit.
I'm not jealous of her or have any negative feelings towards her but I sort of have a thing... a resolution I guess, that I won't ever go for guys that think she's more attractive than me. At least not ones where I know that's true.
My ex did... but not by much. We had a stupid ranking system, of all the girls in our year (we had da boys one too), and my ex's had her 2nd out of 60 and me 5th. I was cool with that. You-know-who never did it so I'll never know haha, but since he and Mia never got on, I just assumed that he liked me more... and when he said to me in March or whatever 'next to her, you're just another blonde in the crowd...'. Omg, I'm really never going to be able to forget he said that. It's not that it isn't true, she's very pretty and I'm not super hot. But of all people for him to call prettier than me, my best friend, a girl he personally can't stand. Rolls eyes. It stung cos I thought I could count on his vote at least.
It's his fault, he gave me this complex. Stupid you-know-who, giving me all these inferiority issues with other girls.
Mia is awesome, she totally is. I hang out with her more than anyone and talk to her the most and go to her first and she gets me. She's my bffl.
She's also totally skinny and according to the boys, pretty hot. We're doing the diet/weight loss thing together which is great, she's great to do it with because she pushes me to be better.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing but we are very different when it comes to weight loss. She's already thin so it's not the same for her. I'm not saying she doesn't have her own goals and motivations and reasons but she's got about half of what I have to lose. I'm about 6kg heavier and 5 inches shorter. She's tall. I think our goal weights are about the same though, around 60kg. In a 'let's get there and then go from there.' type way.
She's better at diet than me, though I'm getting better and we're both calorie counting so she isn't doing anything I can't/aren't doing. I'm better at exercise and do more of it. I'm just more sporty generally and my goals include fitness much higher on the list than she has.
Still, diet is 70% of weightloss so she has the advantage there.
I have it though because I have more to lose. We haven't been going long enough to really tell yet but I've lost more so far and should be able to decrease the gap a bit.
I'm not jealous of her or have any negative feelings towards her but I sort of have a thing... a resolution I guess, that I won't ever go for guys that think she's more attractive than me. At least not ones where I know that's true.
My ex did... but not by much. We had a stupid ranking system, of all the girls in our year (we had da boys one too), and my ex's had her 2nd out of 60 and me 5th. I was cool with that. You-know-who never did it so I'll never know haha, but since he and Mia never got on, I just assumed that he liked me more... and when he said to me in March or whatever 'next to her, you're just another blonde in the crowd...'. Omg, I'm really never going to be able to forget he said that. It's not that it isn't true, she's very pretty and I'm not super hot. But of all people for him to call prettier than me, my best friend, a girl he personally can't stand. Rolls eyes. It stung cos I thought I could count on his vote at least.
It's his fault, he gave me this complex. Stupid you-know-who, giving me all these inferiority issues with other girls.
wednesday
You know what? I am going to get skinny.
I am going to keep this up.
Six months from now I will weigh 60kg. I will be an easy size 10 and I will wear short dresses and sleeveless tops.
I'll be able to run kilometres at least 3 days a week, and I'll play netball as much as I can. I'll join another team hopefully and hopefully start Zumba again.
Maybe in 3 months I will join the gym again, but like, 24 hour fitness or something, that is only 200m from where I live. That way, I can go whenever I want to. I will need more than just running/sport to reach my goals. For now, it's fine, it's great. I need the endurance and this is stuff I can do for free. I also really want to get hand weights, to use at home, but I can wait a month or two to get those.
However, when I start the 30 Day Shred, I'll want them this time. I only did the first 10 days last time, and I used drink bottles as weights. Better than nothing but this time, I'd like to do better.
My plans following that (I'm not giving myself the option of falling off the wagon this time, I will get this far and I will reach my goals) is to try Insanity. Assuming I can cope with 30DS and jogging, I'm hoping that I'll be around 65kg at this time which would be amazing. I'd be well into the healthy weight range and quite fit.
To get down to 65kg, avoiding any plateaus, I could get there in two months. By the 20th of August I will start Insanity. (Note: Just as I was writing this, Mia asked if I wanted to start Insanity. As in start tomorrow. Ummm....)
My weight now is 71.8. That's a kilo down from yesterday, even if it's mostly just water weight. We'll see tomorrow I suppose if I go down further/go up/stay the same. I had a good day eating wise. No snacks, just breakfast/lunch/dinner. Brekkie was small but my other meals were big. Controlled portion wise but not skimpy. Over 400 calories each. Probably just under 500 each, plus 160 brekkie.
But today was my rest day due to slight injury so hopefully tomorrow that pain will be gone so I can run tomorrow.
Time to sleep now. 9:30pm. It's sad, especially since I got an extra 2 hours today napping. But I'm waking up early and water and sleep are the best things I can do for my health. Good night!
I am going to keep this up.
Six months from now I will weigh 60kg. I will be an easy size 10 and I will wear short dresses and sleeveless tops.
I'll be able to run kilometres at least 3 days a week, and I'll play netball as much as I can. I'll join another team hopefully and hopefully start Zumba again.
Maybe in 3 months I will join the gym again, but like, 24 hour fitness or something, that is only 200m from where I live. That way, I can go whenever I want to. I will need more than just running/sport to reach my goals. For now, it's fine, it's great. I need the endurance and this is stuff I can do for free. I also really want to get hand weights, to use at home, but I can wait a month or two to get those.
However, when I start the 30 Day Shred, I'll want them this time. I only did the first 10 days last time, and I used drink bottles as weights. Better than nothing but this time, I'd like to do better.
My plans following that (I'm not giving myself the option of falling off the wagon this time, I will get this far and I will reach my goals) is to try Insanity. Assuming I can cope with 30DS and jogging, I'm hoping that I'll be around 65kg at this time which would be amazing. I'd be well into the healthy weight range and quite fit.
To get down to 65kg, avoiding any plateaus, I could get there in two months. By the 20th of August I will start Insanity. (Note: Just as I was writing this, Mia asked if I wanted to start Insanity. As in start tomorrow. Ummm....)
My weight now is 71.8. That's a kilo down from yesterday, even if it's mostly just water weight. We'll see tomorrow I suppose if I go down further/go up/stay the same. I had a good day eating wise. No snacks, just breakfast/lunch/dinner. Brekkie was small but my other meals were big. Controlled portion wise but not skimpy. Over 400 calories each. Probably just under 500 each, plus 160 brekkie.
But today was my rest day due to slight injury so hopefully tomorrow that pain will be gone so I can run tomorrow.
Time to sleep now. 9:30pm. It's sad, especially since I got an extra 2 hours today napping. But I'm waking up early and water and sleep are the best things I can do for my health. Good night!
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
tuesday!
I'm hoping to do the same thing I did last entry- keep recording throughout the day so I keep myself very accountable and at the end of the day, when (not if) I've been good, I can be proud of myself.
Since I'm home alone all day studying for my exam tomorrow, it's a volatile food situation. Now, I believe my willpower can handle it. It's doing alright so far but it has to be extra good because I didn't run this morning. I'm hoping to run about 1-2pm with Mia instead. I was going to do both but my muscles need a rest. I'm hoping tomorrow will be my rest day. I'm not having a rest day to be lazy, I'm having one because my legs and ankles and feet really need recovery time.
I'm sleeping well, about 8 hours generally this week. I've really trained my body fast. Whoever I read that said 'even if you aren't used to it, if you keep waking up at 6:30am every morning, your body will adjust fast' was right. Because I'm waking up earlier, I find myself tiring out earlier. Also I most likely have less stimulants in my body that keep me awake like sugar, and I'm physically doing more than I usually do.
It's Shark Week, but I'm dealing with it. It's not a big deal for me, but it does mess with numbers on the scale so that's the only annoyance. But I have hope that once it's over, I'll see another decrease.
So anyway, it's 9:50 am. I had porridge at 8:30 and I'm not hungry yet. In another hour or less, I'm going to have my snack of yogurt. It's been in a zip lock bag from where I didn't eat it on Saturday so hopefully it's still good. I haven't had it the last few days because I didn't think my calories could take it but hopefully today will be fine and as long as I have a light dinner I'll be right...
Actually, maybe not because I want a banana this afternoon before I run. I had one before the last time I ran phenomenally so I'd like to do that again. But that would mean 290 calories just in snacks, and my lunch is gonna be 400.
----
At 10:30 I changed my mind. It isn't a decision I regret yet, but I had chocolate instead. I only just finished it 15 minutes ago, so i enjoyed it for three quarters of an hour. It was 195 calories. I can live with that. I have to decide what I want to do for dinner.
Dad just offered me PIZZA for lunch. I have 3 weaknesses. Clickers, Salt and Vinegar Chips and Pepperoni pizza. All of these things are available to me most of the time. Sigh.
I haven't had any of them since I started this diet again but... I've had 3 caramellow koalas so I'm not completely being deprived. I'm just not sure how well this bodes if these are the slips I'm allowing in week 2. Come back week 5 and I'll probably be allowing whole Clinker packets or half a bag of chips. Pfft, in a week I could be doing that if I don't keep up the game.
FOOD IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME PLEASURE IN LIFE.
----
I had homemade pizza for lunch that I made myself. For a fifth of the calories of a normal pizza. Hurrah.
I also went running and got a pb. I did three 10 minute runs. In a row. With only 5 minutes of walking between them.
30 minutes is my longest amount of running yet. I did 27.5 on Sunday where I did my longest straight run, 12.5 minutes but I didn't do that three times like I did today! I did 6 laps around Beaton Park. And halfway through the 6th lap I caught up to my bffl (I lapped her) so we jogged together to finish.
So I'm thoroughly impressed and proud of myself and my body. GOod job legs and feet and muscles. I'm gonna get some frozen peas and band-aids for them soon. Maybe a moderately warm shower would be nice first though.
I'll have something yummy for dinner, probably in the 400 calorie range. I mean, it's not a big deal now because I got 350 exercise calories but I don't want to eat all of those back; just a few :)
Since I'm home alone all day studying for my exam tomorrow, it's a volatile food situation. Now, I believe my willpower can handle it. It's doing alright so far but it has to be extra good because I didn't run this morning. I'm hoping to run about 1-2pm with Mia instead. I was going to do both but my muscles need a rest. I'm hoping tomorrow will be my rest day. I'm not having a rest day to be lazy, I'm having one because my legs and ankles and feet really need recovery time.
I'm sleeping well, about 8 hours generally this week. I've really trained my body fast. Whoever I read that said 'even if you aren't used to it, if you keep waking up at 6:30am every morning, your body will adjust fast' was right. Because I'm waking up earlier, I find myself tiring out earlier. Also I most likely have less stimulants in my body that keep me awake like sugar, and I'm physically doing more than I usually do.
It's Shark Week, but I'm dealing with it. It's not a big deal for me, but it does mess with numbers on the scale so that's the only annoyance. But I have hope that once it's over, I'll see another decrease.
So anyway, it's 9:50 am. I had porridge at 8:30 and I'm not hungry yet. In another hour or less, I'm going to have my snack of yogurt. It's been in a zip lock bag from where I didn't eat it on Saturday so hopefully it's still good. I haven't had it the last few days because I didn't think my calories could take it but hopefully today will be fine and as long as I have a light dinner I'll be right...
Actually, maybe not because I want a banana this afternoon before I run. I had one before the last time I ran phenomenally so I'd like to do that again. But that would mean 290 calories just in snacks, and my lunch is gonna be 400.
----
At 10:30 I changed my mind. It isn't a decision I regret yet, but I had chocolate instead. I only just finished it 15 minutes ago, so i enjoyed it for three quarters of an hour. It was 195 calories. I can live with that. I have to decide what I want to do for dinner.
Dad just offered me PIZZA for lunch. I have 3 weaknesses. Clickers, Salt and Vinegar Chips and Pepperoni pizza. All of these things are available to me most of the time. Sigh.
I haven't had any of them since I started this diet again but... I've had 3 caramellow koalas so I'm not completely being deprived. I'm just not sure how well this bodes if these are the slips I'm allowing in week 2. Come back week 5 and I'll probably be allowing whole Clinker packets or half a bag of chips. Pfft, in a week I could be doing that if I don't keep up the game.
FOOD IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME PLEASURE IN LIFE.
----
I had homemade pizza for lunch that I made myself. For a fifth of the calories of a normal pizza. Hurrah.
I also went running and got a pb. I did three 10 minute runs. In a row. With only 5 minutes of walking between them.
30 minutes is my longest amount of running yet. I did 27.5 on Sunday where I did my longest straight run, 12.5 minutes but I didn't do that three times like I did today! I did 6 laps around Beaton Park. And halfway through the 6th lap I caught up to my bffl (I lapped her) so we jogged together to finish.
So I'm thoroughly impressed and proud of myself and my body. GOod job legs and feet and muscles. I'm gonna get some frozen peas and band-aids for them soon. Maybe a moderately warm shower would be nice first though.
I'll have something yummy for dinner, probably in the 400 calorie range. I mean, it's not a big deal now because I got 350 exercise calories but I don't want to eat all of those back; just a few :)
Friday, 15 June 2012
Cravings and more
Today is going to be one of those days I swear...
I woke up thinking about chocolate and my mouth hasn't stopped watering since.
I don't know what it is, ever since I started calorie counting and reducing my diet (healthily) I'm just obsessed with food. I'm thinking 'when can I eat next?' a lot. Not because I'm starving and hungry, just because I want food. Thankfully Mia can relate, cos she loves food too :) Though in general, when I'm not calorie counting, she's much better at diet than me. I'm much more likely to overeat or be like 'yolo' and dig into chocolate.
But I'm super happy she's doing this the same way I am, with exercise and whatnot. I'm fitter than her so I have a small accomplishment there lol. But she's going to try to improve by doing the C25K too. I've just finished Week 3. It means next week I have to be able to do a 5 minute straight jog. In between other 3 minute jogs. It's intimidating but that's why I'm going to do my Week 3 again today, and hope to add in a few 4 minutes'. That'll be the connector, Because 2 extra minutes of jogging isn't anything to scoff over. It's actually hard (at my fitness/endurance level). I do believe it is partly motivation and positive self talk but sometimes you just can't. Though having said that, I'm sure I can do this today. As long as I'm increasing my ability a bit at a time, I should be okay.
And reminder, since I just started running again this week, I've already seen some improvement. So anyway, Mia is starting Week 1so really, she's only 2 weeks worth of improvement behind me so I'll use that as motivation to keep going and improving! I'm just a tad annoyed at myself that I didn't get up early and run because I have no motivation right now. I apparently put on half a kilo since yesterday which is BS, since I was perfect yesterday and my scale gave me 4 different numbers each time I stepped on.
Maybe it's Shark Week alert. Maybe my scale has just got unreliable since I haven't used it in a few months. It's in the bathroom so it sometimes gets a bit of water on it? Either way, I'm a bit disappointed because I was hoping to lose something. I know my motivation today would be higher if I had, because I'd think 'OK, all I have to do is what I did yesterday and I'll continue losing!" Instead I can't help but think 'what did I do wrong, why would I run today if it clearly didn't help, what's the point, where's the chocolate?'
THat was overly dramatic but that's the gist. And then I justify it like 'Well, maybe my calories were too low and I need them higher to lose weight?' But that certainly doesn't mean I should go grab the block of chocolate.
Also I think I'm bored because I ate 45 minutes ago (porridge with skim milk and honey- food of the gods) and I keep looking towards the kitchen and thinking about the block of chocolate. Omg, I can feel it melting on my tongue, I'm legit salivating. WANT.
I won't though, don't want to let the fitblrs down and I hate having chocolate on my myfitnesspal. And for dinner I'm most likely going to have a 1/4 of chicken and chicken pasta salad as well. I started doing that instead of chips a few months ago- one of the changes I made, but apparently it's not really good for me at all. Half a cup= 300 calories. Considering the small I usually get is at least double that, plus the actual chicken, that's 900 calories. At least. Shit. But it's my Friday night dinner, I just need to work out the best way to do it and try to keep it 600 calories-ish. Which is way more than I usually allot for dinner (generally 400-450ish).
So I'll run today, probs with Mia (300cals). I have netball training, where I will probably burn another 100cals, plus walking to training (25 mins), another 100 cals. So if I'm good and do it all, that's 500 calorie deficit to work with.
A girl on Tumblr has offered to be my fitness buddy and she told me I should eat those exercise calories back. I don't like it but it'll help me out today, with this half cheat meal. I'll also have to restrict snacks today. I'll replace my 160cal yogurt yummy with either an apple or nothing. My lunch I think I was planning to make 'mini pizza' aka a whole grain wrap with ham and cheese. I legit have no veggies in the house except carrot. I should go down the shops and buy tomatoes and lettuce etc at least.
~
I forgot we had cherry tomatoes in the fridge so I used those. I was wary of going to the shops cos I always buy more than I intend to and I didn't want to go anywhere I could buy clinkers (aka the best chocolates in the world).
It was the scrummiest pizza ever. I bought pizza sauce last time I was at the shops so I used a teeny bit of that. I diced up 1.5 slices of ham which was all we had left but it was enough, chopped up about 4 or 5 cherry tomatoes, and 30g of cheese which was more than enough. Under the grill for a few minutes to melt the cheese and warm/crisp it up, then I sliced it into four pieces and enjoyed it for like, half an hour.
I also realised it was boredom cravings for chocolate, I don't need it at all :) Once I got my hands busy sewing buttons and watching the Glee Project I completely forgot about it. And now I'm really full from the pizza. I mean, more than I expected to be. And it was only 350 calories which is great.
It means for dinner tonight I have 550 legit calories to consume, and if I get my 500 calories of exercise this afternoon (and I certainly plan to), then I can have my pasta salad and chicken and I won't feel guilty. I mean, it is supposed to be salad. Even if it's pasta, it's got greens n shit in it as well. Or I'll find a different salad to tempt me when I go this evening.
~
I love that this blog post is just me alllllll day long. I had my 1/4 of chicken with chicken BLT salad. I'm not a fan of bacon but just a leafy salad rather than a pasta one was a much better choice calorie wise... though I do love my pasta.
So I did all my exercise, and only had an apple as a snack. I feel great and my calorie count is 1204 total. So really, I didn't eat back any of the calories I lost today. Oh well. I just didn't need to, though I was pretty weak at netball training. I think that was soreness/tiredness though, not lethargy from lack of nutrition.
It's only half past 7 now, but I am not going to have anything else for dessert, I'm proud of myself today. I went into it with cravings and expectations for some failure and I proved I didn't need any of that and had my best overall day calorie wise. My net calories are the lowest they've been all week, because I burned the most through exercise. I'm incredibly consistent actual calorie wise. I always get my 1200 exactly. Well, just under. Today is the first time I've gone over (by 4).
Ah well.
Signing off,
Love Lucy
I woke up thinking about chocolate and my mouth hasn't stopped watering since.
I don't know what it is, ever since I started calorie counting and reducing my diet (healthily) I'm just obsessed with food. I'm thinking 'when can I eat next?' a lot. Not because I'm starving and hungry, just because I want food. Thankfully Mia can relate, cos she loves food too :) Though in general, when I'm not calorie counting, she's much better at diet than me. I'm much more likely to overeat or be like 'yolo' and dig into chocolate.
But I'm super happy she's doing this the same way I am, with exercise and whatnot. I'm fitter than her so I have a small accomplishment there lol. But she's going to try to improve by doing the C25K too. I've just finished Week 3. It means next week I have to be able to do a 5 minute straight jog. In between other 3 minute jogs. It's intimidating but that's why I'm going to do my Week 3 again today, and hope to add in a few 4 minutes'. That'll be the connector, Because 2 extra minutes of jogging isn't anything to scoff over. It's actually hard (at my fitness/endurance level). I do believe it is partly motivation and positive self talk but sometimes you just can't. Though having said that, I'm sure I can do this today. As long as I'm increasing my ability a bit at a time, I should be okay.
And reminder, since I just started running again this week, I've already seen some improvement. So anyway, Mia is starting Week 1so really, she's only 2 weeks worth of improvement behind me so I'll use that as motivation to keep going and improving! I'm just a tad annoyed at myself that I didn't get up early and run because I have no motivation right now. I apparently put on half a kilo since yesterday which is BS, since I was perfect yesterday and my scale gave me 4 different numbers each time I stepped on.
Maybe it's Shark Week alert. Maybe my scale has just got unreliable since I haven't used it in a few months. It's in the bathroom so it sometimes gets a bit of water on it? Either way, I'm a bit disappointed because I was hoping to lose something. I know my motivation today would be higher if I had, because I'd think 'OK, all I have to do is what I did yesterday and I'll continue losing!" Instead I can't help but think 'what did I do wrong, why would I run today if it clearly didn't help, what's the point, where's the chocolate?'
THat was overly dramatic but that's the gist. And then I justify it like 'Well, maybe my calories were too low and I need them higher to lose weight?' But that certainly doesn't mean I should go grab the block of chocolate.
Also I think I'm bored because I ate 45 minutes ago (porridge with skim milk and honey- food of the gods) and I keep looking towards the kitchen and thinking about the block of chocolate. Omg, I can feel it melting on my tongue, I'm legit salivating. WANT.
I won't though, don't want to let the fitblrs down and I hate having chocolate on my myfitnesspal. And for dinner I'm most likely going to have a 1/4 of chicken and chicken pasta salad as well. I started doing that instead of chips a few months ago- one of the changes I made, but apparently it's not really good for me at all. Half a cup= 300 calories. Considering the small I usually get is at least double that, plus the actual chicken, that's 900 calories. At least. Shit. But it's my Friday night dinner, I just need to work out the best way to do it and try to keep it 600 calories-ish. Which is way more than I usually allot for dinner (generally 400-450ish).
So I'll run today, probs with Mia (300cals). I have netball training, where I will probably burn another 100cals, plus walking to training (25 mins), another 100 cals. So if I'm good and do it all, that's 500 calorie deficit to work with.
A girl on Tumblr has offered to be my fitness buddy and she told me I should eat those exercise calories back. I don't like it but it'll help me out today, with this half cheat meal. I'll also have to restrict snacks today. I'll replace my 160cal yogurt yummy with either an apple or nothing. My lunch I think I was planning to make 'mini pizza' aka a whole grain wrap with ham and cheese. I legit have no veggies in the house except carrot. I should go down the shops and buy tomatoes and lettuce etc at least.
~
I forgot we had cherry tomatoes in the fridge so I used those. I was wary of going to the shops cos I always buy more than I intend to and I didn't want to go anywhere I could buy clinkers (aka the best chocolates in the world).
It was the scrummiest pizza ever. I bought pizza sauce last time I was at the shops so I used a teeny bit of that. I diced up 1.5 slices of ham which was all we had left but it was enough, chopped up about 4 or 5 cherry tomatoes, and 30g of cheese which was more than enough. Under the grill for a few minutes to melt the cheese and warm/crisp it up, then I sliced it into four pieces and enjoyed it for like, half an hour.
I also realised it was boredom cravings for chocolate, I don't need it at all :) Once I got my hands busy sewing buttons and watching the Glee Project I completely forgot about it. And now I'm really full from the pizza. I mean, more than I expected to be. And it was only 350 calories which is great.
It means for dinner tonight I have 550 legit calories to consume, and if I get my 500 calories of exercise this afternoon (and I certainly plan to), then I can have my pasta salad and chicken and I won't feel guilty. I mean, it is supposed to be salad. Even if it's pasta, it's got greens n shit in it as well. Or I'll find a different salad to tempt me when I go this evening.
~
I love that this blog post is just me alllllll day long. I had my 1/4 of chicken with chicken BLT salad. I'm not a fan of bacon but just a leafy salad rather than a pasta one was a much better choice calorie wise... though I do love my pasta.
So I did all my exercise, and only had an apple as a snack. I feel great and my calorie count is 1204 total. So really, I didn't eat back any of the calories I lost today. Oh well. I just didn't need to, though I was pretty weak at netball training. I think that was soreness/tiredness though, not lethargy from lack of nutrition.
It's only half past 7 now, but I am not going to have anything else for dessert, I'm proud of myself today. I went into it with cravings and expectations for some failure and I proved I didn't need any of that and had my best overall day calorie wise. My net calories are the lowest they've been all week, because I burned the most through exercise. I'm incredibly consistent actual calorie wise. I always get my 1200 exactly. Well, just under. Today is the first time I've gone over (by 4).
Ah well.
Signing off,
Love Lucy
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Back on the fitness wagon
I didn't blog all of this month. I guess once no one could see it, I lost absolutely all motivation to write. It didn't matter anymore. But now I'm over you-know-who and I don't have anything to write about him (no promises about the future but this is not a him-centric blog anymore, it's me-centric!)
So I'm back!
I've started on a new diet, and am back running and calorie counting. It's good, I enjoy it. I need to lose the weight and I stop panicking about it when I feel like I'm doing something about it. As long as I know it's not permanent and I'm taking steps to reclaim control of my diet and bad habits, I breathe easier and am just like 'Yeah, I weigh too much... but it's cool, cos it's not for too long."
By the start of spring, I want to be running at least 4k, or 25 minutes without walking. I want to weigh 65 kilos at max. I will be weighing myself for the first time (since 2 months ago when I quit, binged and basically said eff you to dieting, when I just lost motivation and was like 'well, who cares, chocolate makes me happy."
But i didn't lose total control and I'm hoping I didn't gain much weight. I'm sure I did but I'm sort of still hopeful that I'm at 72. That would make me happy. I'll weigh myself on Monday the 18th. That's 5 days from now so I'm hoping if I did put on weight, I can put a dent in it before I officially start counting again. This first week is kind of just a bonus, start up week. To try to get back some fitness, I'm doing C25K, which I rejected doing last time, I thought my own method was better and though it was challenging and good, it didn't provide me endurance, I need to run longer, not farther. So starting at week 3 of the C25K, I do a mixture of 90 second runs and 3 minutes runs, punctuated with 90 second walks and 3 minute walks.
It's tough but so am I! Next week there will be 5 minute runs. Ha! That'll make me want to kill myself, I can barely manage 3 minutes. Even the 90 seconds, which I don't dread that much aren't easy. Still, it's all about motivation in the end, so if I can keep up positive self talk and follow through, working through discomfort, then I'll be better off. Even in the short term, as soon as the run is over, all I can think is 'I could have gone further' and various happy thoughts. Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Runner's high. Even if 5 minutes isn't doable, and I legitimately think 'I need to walk' and I only make it 3 and a half minutes, or 4, well, it's improvement. Mia started only being able to do 1 minute, but she pb'd and did 90 seconds a bit later.
And though I fell of the wagon for 2 months (I could be DONE by now), I didn't drop everything completely and even if a few good habits stuck, it's still progress. And now I'm back on track, and planning to run every morning! I figure, even if my exercise doesn't keep up (certainly, I know I can't stay uber motivated forever, like I am now), exercise never did anyone no harm. Even if I don't keep this up and in a months time refuse to keep going, I'll be a whole month fitter and lighter. Even if that just means it takes longer to put back on the weight, it's still better than nothing.
And it's sort of fun and I feel good about myself when I'm doing it/done it. It's when I forget the way it makes me feel that I stop.
So I'm back!
I've started on a new diet, and am back running and calorie counting. It's good, I enjoy it. I need to lose the weight and I stop panicking about it when I feel like I'm doing something about it. As long as I know it's not permanent and I'm taking steps to reclaim control of my diet and bad habits, I breathe easier and am just like 'Yeah, I weigh too much... but it's cool, cos it's not for too long."
By the start of spring, I want to be running at least 4k, or 25 minutes without walking. I want to weigh 65 kilos at max. I will be weighing myself for the first time (since 2 months ago when I quit, binged and basically said eff you to dieting, when I just lost motivation and was like 'well, who cares, chocolate makes me happy."
But i didn't lose total control and I'm hoping I didn't gain much weight. I'm sure I did but I'm sort of still hopeful that I'm at 72. That would make me happy. I'll weigh myself on Monday the 18th. That's 5 days from now so I'm hoping if I did put on weight, I can put a dent in it before I officially start counting again. This first week is kind of just a bonus, start up week. To try to get back some fitness, I'm doing C25K, which I rejected doing last time, I thought my own method was better and though it was challenging and good, it didn't provide me endurance, I need to run longer, not farther. So starting at week 3 of the C25K, I do a mixture of 90 second runs and 3 minutes runs, punctuated with 90 second walks and 3 minute walks.
It's tough but so am I! Next week there will be 5 minute runs. Ha! That'll make me want to kill myself, I can barely manage 3 minutes. Even the 90 seconds, which I don't dread that much aren't easy. Still, it's all about motivation in the end, so if I can keep up positive self talk and follow through, working through discomfort, then I'll be better off. Even in the short term, as soon as the run is over, all I can think is 'I could have gone further' and various happy thoughts. Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Runner's high. Even if 5 minutes isn't doable, and I legitimately think 'I need to walk' and I only make it 3 and a half minutes, or 4, well, it's improvement. Mia started only being able to do 1 minute, but she pb'd and did 90 seconds a bit later.
And though I fell of the wagon for 2 months (I could be DONE by now), I didn't drop everything completely and even if a few good habits stuck, it's still progress. And now I'm back on track, and planning to run every morning! I figure, even if my exercise doesn't keep up (certainly, I know I can't stay uber motivated forever, like I am now), exercise never did anyone no harm. Even if I don't keep this up and in a months time refuse to keep going, I'll be a whole month fitter and lighter. Even if that just means it takes longer to put back on the weight, it's still better than nothing.
And it's sort of fun and I feel good about myself when I'm doing it/done it. It's when I forget the way it makes me feel that I stop.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)