Skiiiiiiing

So I'm going skiing tomorrow :)

I think it'll all be really good, good people, fun skiing, nice place. We'll play a lot of Canasta, I get to bro out with Hugh for 5 days, I don't have to worry about hooking up with anyone (all the guys are ex boyfriends of my besties or current bfs) and the girls are either not my type or straight so it's just platonic and fun, just maybe teasing.

I'm worried about stuff... like social stuff, and you know, dying on the slopes, but it's just nerves I think. Things always go wrong, but they sort themselves out too. If Hugh and I don't talk the whole 5 hour drive, if I'm embarrassingly bad at skiing compared to the others, if I don't have the right equipment, if I fart while surrounded by group, like, I mean, ok that last one was a joke, but I'm going to be there without a close friend. If I cry, I don't have anyone to cry to, and that's a big deal for me, because I get emotional, especially on long trips, and talking to best friends is how I diffuse.

Emotional validation is like a huge thing for me, I really get a lot out of sharing my issues and knowing they're being recieved by someone. Like this blog. Naming the things I feel and explaining them to an audience is a lot more helpful to me then when it's a private/draft entry that no one sees. which does little for me.

I'm just afraid. I know how scary skiing can be, I know how awkward I can feel in a group, how indimidated, how I go along with group decisions even if they freak me the fuck out.

When I was 6 or 7, I was at my next door neighbours birthday and everyone was taking turns riding a skateboard down the road (we lived in a quiet cul-de-sac) and I knew I couldn't do it, I didn't know how to skateboard, but I couldn't find a way to say it, so I tried and I fell and hurt myself.

That's the fear I have of skiing, because in some ways, getting left behind is worse but that's theoretical and being sprawled halfway down a slope, struggling to get back in my skis and knowing at least 3 or 4 more crashes and even more internal explosions of panic as I struggle to keep in control are inevitable before I made it to the bottom, that's real. And sucks a bit.

I don't know. It's one of those things that sucks but you feel afterwards WOOO LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

So here we go...

It's nice being told once in a while that someone would be down to bang you.

I mean, I know who is messaging me (even if it's on anon) and I'm not into them, but I don't mind 'flirting' because it doesn't hurt anyone.

It makes me feel good (until they start romantic flirting) and presumably it's not hurting them either, so win win.

As a general rule, I am a lot more comfortable with being wanted phyically, it's only when a guy actually wants me for my personality that I shudder and turn off and be like ew no.

The loophole is giving me attention but acting like an asshole because ambiguity is at the root of all attraction. If you may like me, but I'm not sure, so I have to work to find out, that's how guys make girls chase them. I think anyway :)

~~~~
Damn it, my best friend may be half way around the world but she knows how to ruin things.

I am mad.

~~~~

So really, not a big deal. A guy I know messaged me on Tumblr, stating obliquely that he would be down to fuck me hard over a table. It was anonymous but well... I'm not an idiot.

Actually, I didn't get the message, what I got was him apologising for the message, after assuming my non response was offence. Then he resent when I was like 'lol what?'

I shouldn't have encouraged it, I know, but this is one of my bad traits, I encourage boys I don't like. I was/am never going to fuck this guy, never gonna kiss him or do anything in person. But I have hormones ok and I read too much smut and I thought, good opportunity, maybe this could be sexy?

But sadly, his messages dissolved into 'I want to hold you' etc and that's such a turn off, I was just like no thanks. That only makes me happy in real life, with actual romantic feelings, not purely... whatever this was, since I was neither physically or romantically into this guy. Anyway, I was hoping I could get tingles if he happened to be exceptionally eloquent and confident, but sadly my bitching to my bffl just lead to her anonymously messaging him, telling him that was what I wanted.

If you have to be told...

Plus, he probably thought it was me messaging him and that ruined it. I just disengaged.

For the best probably. It's not that I have a problem messing around, but I should do it when I have interest, rather than just doing it while disengaged, mostly just for psychological kicks.

Also, just have to say, I am obsessed with Ed Sheeran right now. So much talent, dear God. 

Life Update

So, my bffl is in Europe for a month.

It's cool so far, we've messaged a few times, it's not like France doesn't have Wifi. I haven't missed her much, because I'm pretty busy, keeping my social life up as planned, because I was concerned about the whole no bffl thing and being bored/lonely.

She isn't my only friend by any means, I have a fair few friends and quite a few best friends (the English language doesn't really allow me to differentiate better than that but I'll try to explain. I have Mia, my bffl. I see her 3x times a week. Maybe 5x or more. I talk to her pretty much every day and am comfortable with her in most every way. We hang out and eat and watch TV and don't maintain many boundaries. She's my bffl.

Then I have my best friend, who I love muchly, but don't see more than once a week, and we talk less. But I don't love her less, I talk to her more seriously, and when I'm with her, we are very close and things are pretty chill.

Then two other assorted best friends who are awesome and I'm close to, plus a bunch of other people I'm comfortable with or can talk to on the regular.

I'm hooking up with them more obviously, to fill in the bffl gap and so far it's working well.

Today is the first day in a week that I haven't seen my friends,  and on a bunch of days, I saw more than one friend or had more than one social outing so BAM, I'm practically popular. I did hangdog on Tuesday for the first time in ages, two people texted me to ask so I was like, cool, sure and went along. It turned out to be 5/6 of the people that I'm going skiing with in two weeks, so that was a nice coincidence. I am quite excited for the trip. Me and my best friends boyfriend will be driving up together just us (nothing suss), and while finding conversation for that many hours may be a challenge, if we can agree on music then I think we'll get along fine :) He's a good guy and I want him to be my bro.

I swear, now that exams are over, all the things I was so excited to do during exams, I am totally unenthused for now. Isn't that always the way? Instead of productively reading the rest of the Game of Thrones series, or watching Orphan Black or doing something that actually needs to be done, I mostly Tumble and listen to Louis CK talk on Youtube. Not that I have much scope of reference for stand up comedy but he's hilarious and actually makes me laugh out loud/choke while drinking so I approve. Still, there is probably better ways to spend my time.

I'm still working on my exchange application, I only have a month left and I'm starting to stress, but I will go to Uni tomorrow to get shit done hopefully.

Anyway, that's my life xx

I have so many emotions about the politics of today. I spent my morning watching Senate livestreams out of Texas, then came home to the final tense hour. I blogged a lot and talked a lot and posted a lot, and then we heard that they'd voted illegally on the abortion Bill and we raged and made online revolution, watching a livestream of one of the protesters inside the building, until the CEO of Planned Parenthood announced that she had recieved a text from Wendy Davis that the Governor had killed the Bill.

Phew.

But one issue down, another pops up.

Labor spill, Rudd taking over as PM, Gillard out. At first, I didn't know what I wanted, I was so confused because Kevin07 and Mum being such a Rudd/Labor supporter but I did my Rudd digging and all the reasons he was taken out as Labor leader and realised he is not who I want as PM. And I really like Gillard ok? It's not just the woman thing, though of course her being first female Prime Minister is important (if it couldn't be me, I'm glad it was her). As she said, it wasn't everything but it wasn't nothing either, and sophisticated analysis and discourse is needed to determine the shades of grey.

So she lost and I am unhappy about that outcome, because I don't want a vote of no confidence, I do not want Abbott, even though at this point I was resigned to that outcome once we vote in the election. My vote there won't matter, I am in a firmly Labor electorate, if I vote Labor or Greens or Independent, it won't matter to anything but statistics.

Then there is the VRA, the American Voting Rights Act, which bad things happened to that I really can't be fucked to take the time to explain, but it's bad. As a white, middle class feminist, this doesn't affect me directly, but as an intersectional feminst (aka gender isn't just a battle on its one--race, class, sexuality, physical/mental health, all of that affects priviledge and lack there of. Should I  be celebrating a minor abortion win when major discrimination is happening against minority races, against the poor, the old, the mentally disabled, and nobody cares? It's not going viral, its not making waves. White middle class feminists, which I am, which a lot of people are, they don't care, not like they do when it affects them directly.

But they should and it's sad that they (we) don't.

Not to mention all the other shit happening in the world. Greece, holy fuck, and Brazil and England and guess what, tomorrow it all starts again as the Supreme Court debates the legality of gay marriage with Prop 8.

It doesn't end and it's quite overwhelming. And the sad thing is that tomorrow people will stop blogging about it, will stop caring. All the talk of revolution and passion, it won't last, not really.

Feminism~ Oppression vs

It's not like I want my one defining feature to be 'feminist', like I know it annoys most of my friends, my best friend finds it occasionally annoying, my most religious friend gets fed up (though she doesn't tell me to my face, just bitches to other friends- though to be fair, privately I don't have much respect for her belief system either), my guy friends tend to just make fun of me and tell me to chill out, but it just matters. A lot. To me.

http://www.everydaysexism.com/

This site... it's pretty massive and moving. Look at it. Read it. Understand it.


I also saw this:

I also saw this and I just- I just went oh. Because yes. I try very hard to understand where MRA's are coming from, where anti feminist arguments come from. And I understand being on the other side, being on the oppressor side of things- I'm white. When it comes to racism, I feel the shame and anger and annoyance of being made the enemy, of being excluded from something, of being made the bad guy, I used to think it was so fucking stupid to be blamed for something people that could possibly been my ancestors did, was ridiculous.

But you can't take it personally, and now, I don't think that's what it is about. It's not about blame, it's about fixing the now. I have privilege from being white, heaps of it. It doesn't make being white wrong, but it means that ignoring the idea that race exists and causes oppression doesn't affect me personally. I have the privilege that I can ignore race, say I'm not racist, say 'I don't see colour' but the fact is that colour and race do exist and it exists in a way that harms other people. Is it my responsibility to fix? I don' know, I'd argue not, but it is my responsibility to be aware and to not perpetuate it further.

Sexism is obviously where I do have an invested interest. And LGBTQ issues to an extent but I don't take that so personally being as I'm cis and am attracted to guys and anything beyond that is pretty private and doesn't affect how I'm treated because of how wary and unsure I am about expressing it.

So back to this picture, this is what is called misandry, and sure, it's your gender getting degraded, but it's not hurting you. Maybe offending you a bit, being a bit annoying. It's not getting you killed, or raped, or assaulted, or your rights coming under attack, or lack of representation or power or money or work opportunities or respect. That's the difference.

Body Hair

If you're a girl, I'm sure you've had comments on your body hair before. Probably not nice things either, except for some 'ooh your legs are so smooth!' But also, 'urgh gross, hairy', or 'why haven't you shaved?' or friends telling you they absolute could not go out with bare legs without shaving or waxing or finding some other way to mystically de-hairify.

I'm sure we could all think of one. For me, it was the beginning of Year 10, I was at Camp in a  sleeveless shirt. It was Summer, we were camping. One of my friends told me a guy I knew-was friends with- had made a comment about my underarm hair. She'd defended me, telling the truth, that my mum didn't let me shave, which hopefully kept me from becoming a social leper but that harmless comment,  I still remember it today and I cringe, I do. I feel embarrassed because if he saw and said something, how many other people saw and thought rude things? I was just turned 15, still pretty unconcerned with this stuff, but my self esteem was taking a few hits. And the fact is that this guy is hairy as fuck, and there is nothing physically different about my body hair compared to his, except his was socially acceptable, and mine, as a 15 years old girl, was not.

I'm a feminist obviously, and think women shouldn't have to shave  but personally I do. I don't like stares or odd looks, I don't like embarrassment and I'm quite thin skinned. Also, I like feeling smooth and neat. I think the most important thing is that women should be able to choose and at this point, I don't think women have much of a choice, not without being socially excluded, maybe even losing job opportunities due to improper grooming.

It just irks me, because men don't have to and shaving is so stupid. It takes time and effort. It is a very short term solution. It leads to immeasurable nicks and cuts. Hair isn't unhygienic. It actually serves a purpose. Erect hairs trap still air which keeps cold air out, that's the function of all hairs on the body.

And the fact is, society tells us that women have to look a certain way, that they are a certain way. But the fact is that women have hair, natural hair. Including pubic hair. And it doesn't always grow neatly, or stay within the lines. It's going to spread to the inside of your thighs and be visible beyond your undies line, it's going to sprout up towards your bum, and it's going to pop up on your areole and pits and God only knows where else. And people should chill out about it.

Yes, you can remove it, you can spend 30 bucks and get your legs waxed, or spread em and get your bikini line done, or you can shave it all off in the shower, awkwardly propped up to get a proper reach and it'll feel smooth for two seconds and then red bumps will appear where you irritated your skin with the razor and then you'll be nothing but uncomfortable and itchy and the next day you'll just be bumpy and unable to do anything about it.

The thing is though, I don't have anyone that I regularly get naked with so the fact is, the decisions I make for my body hair are for my benefit alone. No one else is looking and/or touching so does it matter still? Totally. When I shave it all, it's because it makes me feel sexy or comfortable or when I don't, it's because that makes me feel sexy and comfortable. When I keep well groomed, it's to make me feel good and confident, not to please others.

When I get a partner, if they asked me to do things a certain way, would I say no straight off the bat? Maybe not, but I'd explain to them why I don't already do it the way they suggest, let them understand that it's impossible to maintain, that just because it looks hot on the internet doesn't mean I want to look like an infantalised porn star. As an example. Obviously communication is always important, and understanding for your partner. But there is compromise, and them concessions and then things get problematic after that.

It's not that I don't think people should be able to think hair is unsexy, but I question why people think so. Because I look at hair on men and think 'ok cool' but I raise my eyebrow when I see the same hair on a girl and think 'ew'. But it's the same hair. There is literally no difference. One is not more unhygienic, they don't feel different or grow differently, so obviously it's a taught opinion, not a natural one. That is problematic.

Old hurts

So my best friend let me read through a bunch of her old diaries, mostly just funny, her liking this person, than this person, and jumping from 'I fucking hate his guts' to 'we're all cool now, this time for real'. Lots of truth or dare, msn etc. The good old days.

But one thing that did bother me, it's a fight we never had, never needed to have because it was never my right-- but at the same time, she hurt me really badly and beyond a few 'yeah I felt bad about that', it's never something we talked about. But basically, her boyfriend of 4 years now, I liked him a lot when they got together, and she always said she didn't like him. But then she did and he liked her and they got together and didn't tell me.

I found out when I saw them kissing a week later at school and I remember the feeling and it sucked. Because it wasn't sadness or whatnot, it was shock. And then that pathetic feeling when you realise you were really really stupid. Any feeling is better than that.

Of course I'm glad they got together, and I know that it was a hopeless crush, and I'm glad it was, I wouldn't want to be with the guy and we're totally incompatible. But at the time it didn't feel like that, he was someone I really liked, full on and she knew absolutely. I don't believe that you can 'layby' guys or that liking someone puts them off limits, but I think that she should have talked to me about it. Finding out by seeing them making out on the playground was really douche-y of her.

And yeah, it was obvious, but I'm gullible and she said they weren't dating. Sorry for taking my friends words as truth, I guess. I have that problem a lot, people lie to me all the time and I never realise. It's embarrassing.

I don't know why I'm having this rant now, I just... sometimes I love my best friend absolutely, she's the absolute bomb, but then other times she can be kind of a shitty friend. Not normally. But there are times. And it just irks me to death when she doesn't take me seriously. Sometimes it's hard for her to see other perspectives.