Skiiiiiiing

So I'm going skiing tomorrow :)

I think it'll all be really good, good people, fun skiing, nice place. We'll play a lot of Canasta, I get to bro out with Hugh for 5 days, I don't have to worry about hooking up with anyone (all the guys are ex boyfriends of my besties or current bfs) and the girls are either not my type or straight so it's just platonic and fun, just maybe teasing.

I'm worried about stuff... like social stuff, and you know, dying on the slopes, but it's just nerves I think. Things always go wrong, but they sort themselves out too. If Hugh and I don't talk the whole 5 hour drive, if I'm embarrassingly bad at skiing compared to the others, if I don't have the right equipment, if I fart while surrounded by group, like, I mean, ok that last one was a joke, but I'm going to be there without a close friend. If I cry, I don't have anyone to cry to, and that's a big deal for me, because I get emotional, especially on long trips, and talking to best friends is how I diffuse.

Emotional validation is like a huge thing for me, I really get a lot out of sharing my issues and knowing they're being recieved by someone. Like this blog. Naming the things I feel and explaining them to an audience is a lot more helpful to me then when it's a private/draft entry that no one sees. which does little for me.

I'm just afraid. I know how scary skiing can be, I know how awkward I can feel in a group, how indimidated, how I go along with group decisions even if they freak me the fuck out.

When I was 6 or 7, I was at my next door neighbours birthday and everyone was taking turns riding a skateboard down the road (we lived in a quiet cul-de-sac) and I knew I couldn't do it, I didn't know how to skateboard, but I couldn't find a way to say it, so I tried and I fell and hurt myself.

That's the fear I have of skiing, because in some ways, getting left behind is worse but that's theoretical and being sprawled halfway down a slope, struggling to get back in my skis and knowing at least 3 or 4 more crashes and even more internal explosions of panic as I struggle to keep in control are inevitable before I made it to the bottom, that's real. And sucks a bit.

I don't know. It's one of those things that sucks but you feel afterwards WOOO LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

So here we go...