Touching

I think physicality is a majorly important part of relationships. At least if you're like me, who just wants to hug and touch and be next to the people I like all the time. When you know who and I were messing around, the main thing that made us so obvious to all our friends was the constant touching, the poking, the stepping on, the hugging. Immature? Yes. But I think especially since it was our only contact due to obviously not being able to express it in more intimate ways, that's why we were like that? Actually, scratch that, I am just immature and like touching people I like weirdly. Like, I couldn't stand a guy to wrap his arms around my waist or run his fingers through my hair but try to wrestle or get in my space in a non passive way? Go for it. It's hard to explain. It's nicer to have someone want to be near you and want to touch you but not when it just feels unnatural and uncomfortable. It's when I'm trapped that I hate it. Like, arms around me so I can't walk away or holding hands, or someone sitting too close to you on a couch, where you feel like it'd be rude to move away. It's restraining and then you feel like you have to awkwardly explain 'hey I want to go over here now...um, let go? And don't follow me, jfc." Maybe that's just me. For me, closeness has to be dynamic movements. Playing footsie, elbowing each other, violent type hugging, kissing, bumping into each other, flouncing over and plopping down on their laps, that's more my speed, weird as it is.

When out in public, I'd much prefer to rush over to them, grab their face and peck them on the lips, 'hey babe, I'm having so much fun, bye!' and go back to the fun thing I was doing and let them do their thing or then come join me and have it be more... like we're attached by an elastic band, that pulls apart and lets us do what we want and be our own individuals and then snaps us in again. Not like handcuffs, where you have to trail each other around. Like a sin(x) and negative sin(x) curve on the same graph. Move together, than apart. Over and over. Not like parallel lines, where you can never ever escape.

Another physicality thing I was thinking about. being attracted to people not for their actual looks-- like if you first see someone and they're just okay, but then you like them, or even when you don't like them, but they turn so attractive to you, even when you know logically that they aren't, you still feel like omfg get in my bed. You get attracted to their physical features, even when you know it doesn't really make sense. They aren't attractive features, but you start to like them anyway. Just on them. Like, the expressions a face makes, not the face itself? Because this happens to me and I guess it happens to most people in relationships. Not everyone is a 10, but people still find their significant others super attractive. Who knows, maybe they don't. How many people out there are just grinning and bearing it like me when my boyfriend wore really ugly trackies all the time and made me incredibly turned off?

But the fact is that some guys, I don't fucking care is they're in a frigging Tigger onesie, I'd still want to rip it off them and not because it's a crime against fashion but because I want them really really a lot and clothes are just in the way.

You need to find a person you feel like that about. That's how good physical relationships should be, and good physical relationships increase good relationships in general.

Actually though, I think that even in non romantic and non sexual relationships, I sometimes just want to touch and hug and feel, even when I'm not attracted to the person. I have a friend who'se sexual orientation and mine do not match up but he hugs better than anyone. I would lie down and sleep on top of him if he'd let me, that's how comfy he is. And it's weird, because he's a stick, and has narrow shoulders, but it's just one of those things. I only generally get prolonged contact on my birthdays though, because he's mean to me most of the time.

I think I just like people that I can't have and that are mean to me. That's my type. When it comes to attraction, the two things that I need- paradoxical as they are-- is confidence that they are into me, and not wanting to be with me. Treat em mean, keep em keen. It's such bullshit but it works damnit! I need to feel good enough about myself to be able to chase them, but I lose respect if they make it too easy because then I think that I'm better than them and it's not rational, okay? Attraction isn't. That's why you-know-who and I worked perhaps, for the while that we did, because he was into me, and I was sure of that, but at the same time.... well he certainly wasn't making a commitment. Maybe that took the pressure off me, I don't know.

I'm just fucking crazy. It's not like I don't want an equal relationship based on respect and trust and love, I just find myself really turned off by it in everybody I meet that represents that possibility.