I think I have an eating disorder.

There is something wrong with me, and ever since I started to 'diet' it just turned into this thing that it never was before. I never used to know or care or worry. I just ate, and if I overate, it wasn't ever a binge or secret, it just was. 

But as soon as I went on my first diet, and went online and got into it all there, and got over zealous, and I started feeling inadequate and worse about myself. When I was losing weight, I felt good but I know that my eating and exercise became obsessive and over the top. I lost perspective and now I'm worse of than when I started, in terms of physical weight, but more in terms of mental health.

I tried to make myself throw up. I feel trapped inside my body, and distant from it, but ashamed of it all at once. I know what it takes to change, but I don't. I just hide away and feel disgusted and worthless and ugly.

Mum wants me to talk to a nutritionist or a therapist or something, about my disordered eating. I actually need it but I don't know if it'll help because what can they say that I don't know? I'm fully informed, that isn't the issue. I'm not hiding it and it's not hurting me physically, I'm not starving or binging or cutting, I'm just in a mentally bad way right now.

There's no other reason for it apart from how I feel about myself physically, but I just feel bad and it makes me continue the cycle. It kinda sucks.