So, I ran into all my friends today randomly. You know how that sometimes happens, you run into one person, and start chatting, then a mutual friend walks by and they stop to chat, and then 2 more people you know run into you and then hey presto, you have a party.

In this case, it was you know who, his girlfriend, a friend of her's, and my ex who saw me. I was just minding my own business, furtively pulling out my sandwich to nom as I walked when I have the cocktail party effect, and randomly hear my name being called. I almost disregarded it, which made me look like an idiot before I finally saw them.

There was a time when the two of those guys were 'my boys' and I do miss them so I really was happy to talk to them. I feel like I should be more uncomfortable around his girlfriend, or that she should shoot me so many more dirty looks than she does, but she's so not evil, honestly, I think we could easily have gotten along and been good friends. She and I both kind of act similarly with him, in that we both call him out on his BS and basically needle him a lot. And she backs me up, especially when he's being not-seriously-but-still rude to me which is weird but it's not the first time. She even specifically introduced her friend to me.

Then another friend turned up, and then my ex's girlfriend, and you-know-who and I tittered and watched immaturely as they kissed and I grabbed his arm when they looked around and saw us and we pretended like we hadn't been looking.

It felt like high school. I really do miss that a lot.

Then my bffl arrived and though I love her the most, I didn't really want her there. For one, that's grade A repellant for you-know-who, and secondly, she's kind of a bitch and I didn't need her making my life harder by insulting my friends or hurting feelings or making things awkward. I tend to just keep her separate, the same way I assume she does with me and some of her friends.

Honestly though, it was just nice and comfortable and though my feelings for you know who are still... I don't know, I can't describe them. I have feelings for this person in my head that I know isn't who he is or was or will be, but it's still him-ish so it's close enough. It's more like I write about him too much in all my stories and he's taken on this personality and character all of his own and it's not idealised per se, but it's my version of flawed perfection. Obviously, I wrote it, I made this character who I wish he could have been, not who he is, but my limbic system doesn't understand that and tells me I love him for ever and ever and ever.