Question: If you have feelings for a friend, like long term feelings, that you know aren't reciprocated though you've never told them, but you do know that they love and appreciate you very much as a friend, and the only way it shows that you like them like that is in positive ways like being there for them, making them feel good and special, going the extra distance for them, is it at all wrong?
I have a friend like that, she has a boyfriend, and if I was a guy, maybe it would come across differently, but we can share beds and we go out just us and we are basically best friends, we have been since we were little, and things like... inviting her out to dinner make me happy in a way they wouldn't with other friends. Like, sometimes I feel like I want to court her and pay for her meal and walk her home and hold her hand and you know, be romantically platonic?
I don't want to bang her or date her, I just want... I don't know, what I just listed. I'm so weird.
The part I feel guilty about is that I get pleasure from things like inviting her out because it's like a date, but that's not what it is and if it was, it would be wrong, so... guilt factor.
What do you guys think, I don't know. It's the harmless positive type of love, and in no way is it he the 'Nice Guy' love where I'm being nice to get in her pants, it's the opposite, I just genuinely like her and making her feel good makes me feel good. It's the most selfless kind of love I have.
Like, loving you-know-who was the opposite, I did it because I knew it would make me happy, and while there isn't anything wrong with that, it's not the same as making someone happy for their own sake.
Edit: So I took her her out and we shared wedges and I paid for dinner and we walked along the biketrack that goes along the beach up to the lighthouse where we stood against the railing and looked out at the sea in the moon light and talked for ages. I was satisfied because I've had that restaurant/ walk in mind for a date/ her for agesss. It wasn't a date of course, she's my best friend but it can be quite similar sometimes if you just take out the physical.
Actually we spent an hour or two talking about sex which was pretty awesome because she gas strict boundries on that topic normally. But we had a very funny and memorable chat with at least a few new injokes which means our friendship is renewed for a bit which is positive. Now I just need to do the same with my bffl. Not the tingly date feelings but the reconnecting. We see each other a lot and talked on the phone but I've been quite MIA lately so need to rectify that, though it shouldn't be a problem. Now I am just having fun with my auto correct which not only predicts the end of my words but the next one too. It is kind of amazing.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Career goals
Since I just reached a milestone number of hits today (yay) I figured I'd write a post about something I don't think I've written about before.
What do I want to do with my life?
For background, I'm 19, in my second year of my Psychology and Commerce degrees at UOW. Why am I doing Commerce? I don't fucking know, I just like the idea of knowing how money and the economy works and how to budget and do accounting, sheesh, everybody asks me but I just want to be self relient ok?
I do Commerce not because it really grinds my gears (spoiler, it doesn't) but the future is a scary place full of a lot of uncertainty, if I can get a second degree for only an extra year of study, isn't it worth it? What if I want to run my own psychology clinic and don't trust my accountant? What if I work for 10 years with abused women and children and burn out because I just can't handle it anymore and I need a new career? What if the GFC gets worse and I need to know what to do with the stock market? I think there is value in a commerce degree, even if I don't want to sit at a desk in some office somewhere doing supply chain management.
I want... in my heart of hearts, to work as a psychologist with children with behavioural and developmental disorders. And not like, one examination and then refer them off to a specialist, I want to be a specialist, I want to work with the same kids all the time, as a behavioural therapist, maybe with children with autism. I'd like to be a teacher.
It's difficult to talk about this with my best friend or you-know-who, because they both have direct connections to ASD so I feel awkward, because obviously they live with it and I don't want them to feel like I am trivialising or like I have this fantasy of what autistic kids are like or that I want to save them or make them 'normal' or any of that. I can't say 'I think autism as I disorder is fascinating and that's why I want to work with kids with it' because I don't know if that is rude or disrespectful. But honestly, it's true. I want to work with kids like that, because there is something inherently different
about the way they are and of course all people with autism are different and individuals and I don't know, it's been something that I've tried to make myself knowledgeable about since I was young, and I've read lots of books and online and made friends with a bunch of people with autism but the fact is, I'm not autistic, I don't have a relative with diagnosed ASD and I feel like without that personal connection, I'm just this stupid white girl with dreams of 'saving people' and that isn't it at all, I just want to help and do it in a field that interests me, that's all. I want to be a teacher and form relationships with the people I am helping and I don't think it's bad.
I feel like I have a lot of guilt over this and I don't know how justified it is. I don't know where I can get experience though... there was a volunteering opportunity on one of the noticeboards for an autistic child in Kiama but that's pretty far and I'd have to make a 6 month commitment and I'm busy as fuck already. I should talk to my bffl about this, because her sister has autism and maybe she'd have suggestions or let me babysit her sister, but again, weird because her sister is about 13.
Anyway, that's my goal. To be a clinical psychologist, which is the way I want to go about doing this, I need to get my Masters in psychology and then do a year interning basically to get my qualification. I'm assuming I'll know more about what I need to do by then.
Also just this song.
What do I want to do with my life?
For background, I'm 19, in my second year of my Psychology and Commerce degrees at UOW. Why am I doing Commerce? I don't fucking know, I just like the idea of knowing how money and the economy works and how to budget and do accounting, sheesh, everybody asks me but I just want to be self relient ok?
I do Commerce not because it really grinds my gears (spoiler, it doesn't) but the future is a scary place full of a lot of uncertainty, if I can get a second degree for only an extra year of study, isn't it worth it? What if I want to run my own psychology clinic and don't trust my accountant? What if I work for 10 years with abused women and children and burn out because I just can't handle it anymore and I need a new career? What if the GFC gets worse and I need to know what to do with the stock market? I think there is value in a commerce degree, even if I don't want to sit at a desk in some office somewhere doing supply chain management.
I want... in my heart of hearts, to work as a psychologist with children with behavioural and developmental disorders. And not like, one examination and then refer them off to a specialist, I want to be a specialist, I want to work with the same kids all the time, as a behavioural therapist, maybe with children with autism. I'd like to be a teacher.
It's difficult to talk about this with my best friend or you-know-who, because they both have direct connections to ASD so I feel awkward, because obviously they live with it and I don't want them to feel like I am trivialising or like I have this fantasy of what autistic kids are like or that I want to save them or make them 'normal' or any of that. I can't say 'I think autism as I disorder is fascinating and that's why I want to work with kids with it' because I don't know if that is rude or disrespectful. But honestly, it's true. I want to work with kids like that, because there is something inherently different
about the way they are and of course all people with autism are different and individuals and I don't know, it's been something that I've tried to make myself knowledgeable about since I was young, and I've read lots of books and online and made friends with a bunch of people with autism but the fact is, I'm not autistic, I don't have a relative with diagnosed ASD and I feel like without that personal connection, I'm just this stupid white girl with dreams of 'saving people' and that isn't it at all, I just want to help and do it in a field that interests me, that's all. I want to be a teacher and form relationships with the people I am helping and I don't think it's bad.
I feel like I have a lot of guilt over this and I don't know how justified it is. I don't know where I can get experience though... there was a volunteering opportunity on one of the noticeboards for an autistic child in Kiama but that's pretty far and I'd have to make a 6 month commitment and I'm busy as fuck already. I should talk to my bffl about this, because her sister has autism and maybe she'd have suggestions or let me babysit her sister, but again, weird because her sister is about 13.
Anyway, that's my goal. To be a clinical psychologist, which is the way I want to go about doing this, I need to get my Masters in psychology and then do a year interning basically to get my qualification. I'm assuming I'll know more about what I need to do by then.
Also just this song.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Reminicing over old stories.
I just reread one of the first stories I ever wrote where I used myself as a protagonist. That sounds egocentric I know but honestly, it was more just lazy writing because it saved me having to come up with names, and backstory and opinions, as well at letting me fulfill fictional tropes that interested me.
Remember also that I was 15 and it allowed me to deal with my crushes and hormones in an original way.
The plotline was sparked from real life. I was hanging out with a bunch of my male friends studying, and someone made a comment, something like 'what if the world ended and the only people that survived were the ones in this room? And what if they had to repopulate the planet?' We were all maths nerds so obviously a tree diagram had to be made, outlining the possible combinations to avoid incest etc... it was funny, and it set my writers mind buzzing.
So I wrote a story where the world ended that day, with just us. I wrote about us leaving the building and not being able to find anyone, I wrote about our breakdowns, depression, nightmares, I wrote about faith and purpose, why 'God' would do that to us - remembering that I was quite religious at 15 - I wrote about gender roles, about the differences between girls and boys, how polygamist relationships could work in that type of group, about fear and regret and bad sex, about fear of sex and about the isolation of people, even in a group, how really, we're all trapped inside our own heads, always alone. I wrote about the role of sex in intimacy.
I wrote that story and it's one of the stories I'm most proud of. I actually gave it a conclusion, which is weird for me, because normally I just write what's in my head and I never get more than halfway. This story jumped around, but it had defined parts and it did all mostly fit together.
It's an interesting experience to look it over, writing in first person from my own perspective, I put a lot of myself into the character and how she thought, was how I thought.
To be honest, when I think of this fic 'me and 5 guys in the end of the world' I think, holy shit I was a kinky 15 year old, but then I reread it and I remember, that's not how it was at all. In the entire story there were only 2 sex scenes, the first of which my character prepares for by secretly drinking, and is done in the dark, faking pleasure, crying, followed by an intense shower scene where she cries, can't get clean and knows she regrets it. When she talks about it with her partner the next day she says
-->
-->
“How's that for a healthy sex mindset?
Thankfully the second one was a bit more healthy, I think I channeled my idea for a 'perfect date', though I mixed it with the angst of sleeping with someone you don't love. So it involved walking on the beach, feeling pretty and good and close, before making love on a jacket on the sand while the sun set.
By this point, the character has more fully accepted her reality and is trying to make it work, pushing through her fears and depression. There's some important metaphors in this scene for being brave, for doing things when you're scared. In a deleted scene of the story, my character realised that this scene, though she'd done everything seemingly right, the clothes and makeup, the location, the romance, it never worked because she was always just doing it because of duty and without love, however perfect you try to make it, it won't be.
It got deleted though because in the end of this story, she never really finds her 'love' and it wasn't a lesson she ever learnt. *Cue tiny violins playing the saddest song*
Honestly, the main lesson that she was supposed to learn was that though her bond with the guys became incredibly codependant and she became incredibly fucked up, the way she grows and the relationships she makes with them, made the awful reality, if not worth it, than at least partially worthwhile.
In the story, time does revert and things do go back to the way they were before- only she and the other boys have changed. The last arc of the story is how they dealt with that, the boys with their girlfriends, with their parents, with their friends, with each other. How when they don't have to be dependent on each other and with them, do they still chose to be?
I tried to deal with it rationally and realistically. Most of the guys go back to their girlfriends and while they remain part of her support systems, the character is well and truly fucked up by this point. Self harm, depression, lots of risky sex with strangers of both genders, trust issues, questionable closeness to one of the boys in a relationship etc.
Too bad it's real people based. No one I'm really friends with now though still a few I see with some regularity. I wrote it based on crushes I had when I was 15 so it was never relevant to you-know-who or my boyfriend or anything.
It's actually one of the things that made me realise I was making a mistake when I was with my boyfriend though. For awhile, whenever I had a crush, I could always write them into this story. Because there were lots of guys, there was always a few spots that were variable, I could just slot them in but my boyfriend, I never had the urge to write anything, it just didn't inspire me at all. Whereas you-know-who, apart from over 100000 words of blog entries, there's at least another 100000 words of different stories, started even as recent as last week (school shooting plotline). I just like writing any type of angst/horror storyline. War, zombies, kidnapping, rape, pregnancy, school shooting, post-apocalyptic, car crash, those are my fiction kinks so I have stories written on all those things. I love writing about relationships and emotions and fear and love and intimacy in horrible conditions.
Sadly, I'm not that creative with overall ideas, I take them generally from things I read or hear or on the news. Like, a story I wrote about two people being kidnapped and locked in a room, forced into performing sex acts for a camera in return for food/water/sleep/not being dead, eventually leading to Stockholm Syndrome and erotic codependency, was based on a Glee fanfic from the Glee Kink Meme, here is the link if you want to read it (if Finn/Kurt doesn't totally squick you).
The school shooting story I started after Glee did a shooting episode last week. Or when I read a particularly good book with a storyline that stirs my interest. I make the events in the story original but I tend to steal overall ideas. Maybe one day I'll be creative enough to come up with my own story. Actually, this story I talked about in this entry is the closest thing I can think of to original. I called it I Am Legend but it's not really that similar.
Anyway, goodnight :)
Remember also that I was 15 and it allowed me to deal with my crushes and hormones in an original way.
The plotline was sparked from real life. I was hanging out with a bunch of my male friends studying, and someone made a comment, something like 'what if the world ended and the only people that survived were the ones in this room? And what if they had to repopulate the planet?' We were all maths nerds so obviously a tree diagram had to be made, outlining the possible combinations to avoid incest etc... it was funny, and it set my writers mind buzzing.
So I wrote a story where the world ended that day, with just us. I wrote about us leaving the building and not being able to find anyone, I wrote about our breakdowns, depression, nightmares, I wrote about faith and purpose, why 'God' would do that to us - remembering that I was quite religious at 15 - I wrote about gender roles, about the differences between girls and boys, how polygamist relationships could work in that type of group, about fear and regret and bad sex, about fear of sex and about the isolation of people, even in a group, how really, we're all trapped inside our own heads, always alone. I wrote about the role of sex in intimacy.
I wrote that story and it's one of the stories I'm most proud of. I actually gave it a conclusion, which is weird for me, because normally I just write what's in my head and I never get more than halfway. This story jumped around, but it had defined parts and it did all mostly fit together.
It's an interesting experience to look it over, writing in first person from my own perspective, I put a lot of myself into the character and how she thought, was how I thought.
To be honest, when I think of this fic 'me and 5 guys in the end of the world' I think, holy shit I was a kinky 15 year old, but then I reread it and I remember, that's not how it was at all. In the entire story there were only 2 sex scenes, the first of which my character prepares for by secretly drinking, and is done in the dark, faking pleasure, crying, followed by an intense shower scene where she cries, can't get clean and knows she regrets it. When she talks about it with her partner the next day she says
-->
“Regret is stupid.” She muttered. “It serves no
purpose and its not like you can change anything. I’ll still have lost my
virginity today. It hurt and I don’t know if sex will ever feel good. I don’t want
to have to do it. It
scares me and that’s basically it okay? I’m. Scared. Of. Sex. And I just feel
dirty. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make you feel- I
don’t know regret or whatever. This isn’t anything to do with you. It’s just me
and my fucked up mind.”
-->
“How's that for a healthy sex mindset?
Thankfully the second one was a bit more healthy, I think I channeled my idea for a 'perfect date', though I mixed it with the angst of sleeping with someone you don't love. So it involved walking on the beach, feeling pretty and good and close, before making love on a jacket on the sand while the sun set.
By this point, the character has more fully accepted her reality and is trying to make it work, pushing through her fears and depression. There's some important metaphors in this scene for being brave, for doing things when you're scared. In a deleted scene of the story, my character realised that this scene, though she'd done everything seemingly right, the clothes and makeup, the location, the romance, it never worked because she was always just doing it because of duty and without love, however perfect you try to make it, it won't be.
It got deleted though because in the end of this story, she never really finds her 'love' and it wasn't a lesson she ever learnt. *Cue tiny violins playing the saddest song*
Honestly, the main lesson that she was supposed to learn was that though her bond with the guys became incredibly codependant and she became incredibly fucked up, the way she grows and the relationships she makes with them, made the awful reality, if not worth it, than at least partially worthwhile.
In the story, time does revert and things do go back to the way they were before- only she and the other boys have changed. The last arc of the story is how they dealt with that, the boys with their girlfriends, with their parents, with their friends, with each other. How when they don't have to be dependent on each other and with them, do they still chose to be?
I tried to deal with it rationally and realistically. Most of the guys go back to their girlfriends and while they remain part of her support systems, the character is well and truly fucked up by this point. Self harm, depression, lots of risky sex with strangers of both genders, trust issues, questionable closeness to one of the boys in a relationship etc.
"When it all started with the boys, I never
thought I’d miss it, but…here we are I guess. I mean, at least they called me
by my name when we did it. At least their breath weren’t foul with the stench
of alcohol, at least they weren’t the type of guy that would leer disgustingly
after me, slap my ass when I walked past them in a club. But when all you’re
looking for is a one-night stand, the selection isn’t the nice, upstanding
citizen sort of boys; it’s the sleazy, rough man-whore types, which I truly do
hate. Still, they know how to please a girl, the ones that aren’t just out for
a quick rough fuck. The experienced ones that aren’t as evil give me quite a
good ride really. And I know I shouldn’t complain, even to myself. It’s my
decision to seek this sort of thing out. I could stay at home.
Sometimes I find girls too. I don’t think
it’s that I’m attracted to that sort of thing. I mean, it’s nice but that isn’t
why I do it. Sometimes, I want to forget everything to do with boys. I want to
forget that I was ever stranded with just boys. I want to forget what being
with a man feels like and be with a girl. It’s still just sex…I can just forget
a little better.
Megan would kill me for being such a whore.
The old me would kill me for it. I don’t ever call Mia words like that anymore.
Slut, whore, ho. I mean, I never meant them, but I’d be a total hypocrite anyway.
She giggles about other boys, but she truly does love Ben. She’s just a flirt.
I might not have a boyfriend, but I sell myself. For company, for some fake
closeness, for a few cheap drinks. That’s so much worse.
What happened screwed me up. More than
anyone can ever know. The others…maybe they’re changed too and I just can’t
tell. But for me, it’s like the changes are shifts so deep in me, so huge and
significant but buried so deep that no one but me can ever see it."
I don't know, I like this fic. I wrote so many depressing stories, so much Harry Potter self harm/abuse fanfic, back in the day (aka Year 8), but this fic I think was the closest to sophistication.
Too bad it's real people based. No one I'm really friends with now though still a few I see with some regularity. I wrote it based on crushes I had when I was 15 so it was never relevant to you-know-who or my boyfriend or anything.
It's actually one of the things that made me realise I was making a mistake when I was with my boyfriend though. For awhile, whenever I had a crush, I could always write them into this story. Because there were lots of guys, there was always a few spots that were variable, I could just slot them in but my boyfriend, I never had the urge to write anything, it just didn't inspire me at all. Whereas you-know-who, apart from over 100000 words of blog entries, there's at least another 100000 words of different stories, started even as recent as last week (school shooting plotline). I just like writing any type of angst/horror storyline. War, zombies, kidnapping, rape, pregnancy, school shooting, post-apocalyptic, car crash, those are my fiction kinks so I have stories written on all those things. I love writing about relationships and emotions and fear and love and intimacy in horrible conditions.
Sadly, I'm not that creative with overall ideas, I take them generally from things I read or hear or on the news. Like, a story I wrote about two people being kidnapped and locked in a room, forced into performing sex acts for a camera in return for food/water/sleep/not being dead, eventually leading to Stockholm Syndrome and erotic codependency, was based on a Glee fanfic from the Glee Kink Meme, here is the link if you want to read it (if Finn/Kurt doesn't totally squick you).
The school shooting story I started after Glee did a shooting episode last week. Or when I read a particularly good book with a storyline that stirs my interest. I make the events in the story original but I tend to steal overall ideas. Maybe one day I'll be creative enough to come up with my own story. Actually, this story I talked about in this entry is the closest thing I can think of to original. I called it I Am Legend but it's not really that similar.
Anyway, goodnight :)
Thursday, 18 April 2013
So, I ran into all my friends today randomly. You know how that sometimes happens, you run into one person, and start chatting, then a mutual friend walks by and they stop to chat, and then 2 more people you know run into you and then hey presto, you have a party.
In this case, it was you know who, his girlfriend, a friend of her's, and my ex who saw me. I was just minding my own business, furtively pulling out my sandwich to nom as I walked when I have the cocktail party effect, and randomly hear my name being called. I almost disregarded it, which made me look like an idiot before I finally saw them.
There was a time when the two of those guys were 'my boys' and I do miss them so I really was happy to talk to them. I feel like I should be more uncomfortable around his girlfriend, or that she should shoot me so many more dirty looks than she does, but she's so not evil, honestly, I think we could easily have gotten along and been good friends. She and I both kind of act similarly with him, in that we both call him out on his BS and basically needle him a lot. And she backs me up, especially when he's being not-seriously-but-still rude to me which is weird but it's not the first time. She even specifically introduced her friend to me.
Then another friend turned up, and then my ex's girlfriend, and you-know-who and I tittered and watched immaturely as they kissed and I grabbed his arm when they looked around and saw us and we pretended like we hadn't been looking.
It felt like high school. I really do miss that a lot.
Then my bffl arrived and though I love her the most, I didn't really want her there. For one, that's grade A repellant for you-know-who, and secondly, she's kind of a bitch and I didn't need her making my life harder by insulting my friends or hurting feelings or making things awkward. I tend to just keep her separate, the same way I assume she does with me and some of her friends.
Honestly though, it was just nice and comfortable and though my feelings for you know who are still... I don't know, I can't describe them. I have feelings for this person in my head that I know isn't who he is or was or will be, but it's still him-ish so it's close enough. It's more like I write about him too much in all my stories and he's taken on this personality and character all of his own and it's not idealised per se, but it's my version of flawed perfection. Obviously, I wrote it, I made this character who I wish he could have been, not who he is, but my limbic system doesn't understand that and tells me I love him for ever and ever and ever.
In this case, it was you know who, his girlfriend, a friend of her's, and my ex who saw me. I was just minding my own business, furtively pulling out my sandwich to nom as I walked when I have the cocktail party effect, and randomly hear my name being called. I almost disregarded it, which made me look like an idiot before I finally saw them.
There was a time when the two of those guys were 'my boys' and I do miss them so I really was happy to talk to them. I feel like I should be more uncomfortable around his girlfriend, or that she should shoot me so many more dirty looks than she does, but she's so not evil, honestly, I think we could easily have gotten along and been good friends. She and I both kind of act similarly with him, in that we both call him out on his BS and basically needle him a lot. And she backs me up, especially when he's being not-seriously-but-still rude to me which is weird but it's not the first time. She even specifically introduced her friend to me.
Then another friend turned up, and then my ex's girlfriend, and you-know-who and I tittered and watched immaturely as they kissed and I grabbed his arm when they looked around and saw us and we pretended like we hadn't been looking.
It felt like high school. I really do miss that a lot.
Then my bffl arrived and though I love her the most, I didn't really want her there. For one, that's grade A repellant for you-know-who, and secondly, she's kind of a bitch and I didn't need her making my life harder by insulting my friends or hurting feelings or making things awkward. I tend to just keep her separate, the same way I assume she does with me and some of her friends.
Honestly though, it was just nice and comfortable and though my feelings for you know who are still... I don't know, I can't describe them. I have feelings for this person in my head that I know isn't who he is or was or will be, but it's still him-ish so it's close enough. It's more like I write about him too much in all my stories and he's taken on this personality and character all of his own and it's not idealised per se, but it's my version of flawed perfection. Obviously, I wrote it, I made this character who I wish he could have been, not who he is, but my limbic system doesn't understand that and tells me I love him for ever and ever and ever.
My bffl and I were talking about how weird it is that young girls (and presumably young boys, but as we are girls, that is the side of the equation we can relate to), like 13, are having sex. Totally freaks us out really, because at that age, neither of us were even thinking of sex at all. Like, it just wasn't even a consideration.
I technically had a boyfriend at 12 but there was just no physical component at all. There was 'I want him to think I'm pretty' and maybe even 'maybe we could go to the beach so he can see me in swimmers and think I'm hot' but that was literally it.
Then there were the cynical and seemingly mature angst years, where I was into reading and writing about cutting and suicide and depression and I worried about religion and not being a slut and how weird and retarded I was because I didn't want (perhaps ever) to have sex.
Then the idealistic sexual awakening years which are still around now really. My bffl and I were talking about how long we'd wait to sleep with someone if we started dating someone new and she was like 'I don't think it's that big a deal now, I'd probably only wait a month or two.' And even me, honestly, I don't think I'd wait more than a few months, I just wouldn't want to. I was all about finding the one and being so sure and I still am, but not to the same extent perhaps.
And of course, if I ever were to get with you know who, or even if I didn't, I think we'd bang in like a week so my views on waiting have changed. I was a 'waiting for marriage' girl at one point, if you can believe that, I hardly can.
So back to the idea of 13 year olds having sex, it freaks me out mostly because I know at that age I was thinking about neopets and playing outside in the dirt and on no level was I ready for something like that. And at 15, sure I might have thought I was the smartest person in the entire world, but I was scared of sex, had lots of issues with it and certainly, my own pleasure never even entered the equation, it was more like 'what could I do to please my boyfriend', like what's on the cover of all the magazines, like Girlfriend and Dolly. So I'd think 'maybe I could give him a blow job' but I'd recoil completely from what I'd just think of as 'female third base'. And I'm not saying all girl are the same or that I was the epitome of maturity, because I'm not, and I wasn't, but the fact is, I was 18 before I wanted sex for reasons actually related to me, rather than to fulfill expectations or to please a hypothetical boyfriend and I just think it's sad that there are girls out there that are engaging in it before they've reached that state where they actually really, want to.
I technically had a boyfriend at 12 but there was just no physical component at all. There was 'I want him to think I'm pretty' and maybe even 'maybe we could go to the beach so he can see me in swimmers and think I'm hot' but that was literally it.
Then there were the cynical and seemingly mature angst years, where I was into reading and writing about cutting and suicide and depression and I worried about religion and not being a slut and how weird and retarded I was because I didn't want (perhaps ever) to have sex.
Then the idealistic sexual awakening years which are still around now really. My bffl and I were talking about how long we'd wait to sleep with someone if we started dating someone new and she was like 'I don't think it's that big a deal now, I'd probably only wait a month or two.' And even me, honestly, I don't think I'd wait more than a few months, I just wouldn't want to. I was all about finding the one and being so sure and I still am, but not to the same extent perhaps.
And of course, if I ever were to get with you know who, or even if I didn't, I think we'd bang in like a week so my views on waiting have changed. I was a 'waiting for marriage' girl at one point, if you can believe that, I hardly can.
So back to the idea of 13 year olds having sex, it freaks me out mostly because I know at that age I was thinking about neopets and playing outside in the dirt and on no level was I ready for something like that. And at 15, sure I might have thought I was the smartest person in the entire world, but I was scared of sex, had lots of issues with it and certainly, my own pleasure never even entered the equation, it was more like 'what could I do to please my boyfriend', like what's on the cover of all the magazines, like Girlfriend and Dolly. So I'd think 'maybe I could give him a blow job' but I'd recoil completely from what I'd just think of as 'female third base'. And I'm not saying all girl are the same or that I was the epitome of maturity, because I'm not, and I wasn't, but the fact is, I was 18 before I wanted sex for reasons actually related to me, rather than to fulfill expectations or to please a hypothetical boyfriend and I just think it's sad that there are girls out there that are engaging in it before they've reached that state where they actually really, want to.
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
I think I have an eating disorder.
There is something wrong with me, and ever since I started to 'diet' it just turned into this thing that it never was before. I never used to know or care or worry. I just ate, and if I overate, it wasn't ever a binge or secret, it just was.
But as soon as I went on my first diet, and went online and got into it all there, and got over zealous, and I started feeling inadequate and worse about myself. When I was losing weight, I felt good but I know that my eating and exercise became obsessive and over the top. I lost perspective and now I'm worse of than when I started, in terms of physical weight, but more in terms of mental health.
I tried to make myself throw up. I feel trapped inside my body, and distant from it, but ashamed of it all at once. I know what it takes to change, but I don't. I just hide away and feel disgusted and worthless and ugly.
Mum wants me to talk to a nutritionist or a therapist or something, about my disordered eating. I actually need it but I don't know if it'll help because what can they say that I don't know? I'm fully informed, that isn't the issue. I'm not hiding it and it's not hurting me physically, I'm not starving or binging or cutting, I'm just in a mentally bad way right now.
There's no other reason for it apart from how I feel about myself physically, but I just feel bad and it makes me continue the cycle. It kinda sucks.
There is something wrong with me, and ever since I started to 'diet' it just turned into this thing that it never was before. I never used to know or care or worry. I just ate, and if I overate, it wasn't ever a binge or secret, it just was.
But as soon as I went on my first diet, and went online and got into it all there, and got over zealous, and I started feeling inadequate and worse about myself. When I was losing weight, I felt good but I know that my eating and exercise became obsessive and over the top. I lost perspective and now I'm worse of than when I started, in terms of physical weight, but more in terms of mental health.
I tried to make myself throw up. I feel trapped inside my body, and distant from it, but ashamed of it all at once. I know what it takes to change, but I don't. I just hide away and feel disgusted and worthless and ugly.
Mum wants me to talk to a nutritionist or a therapist or something, about my disordered eating. I actually need it but I don't know if it'll help because what can they say that I don't know? I'm fully informed, that isn't the issue. I'm not hiding it and it's not hurting me physically, I'm not starving or binging or cutting, I'm just in a mentally bad way right now.
There's no other reason for it apart from how I feel about myself physically, but I just feel bad and it makes me continue the cycle. It kinda sucks.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Touching
I think physicality is a majorly important part of relationships. At least if you're like me, who just wants to hug and touch and be next to the people I like all the time. When you know who and I were messing around, the main thing that made us so obvious to all our friends was the constant touching, the poking, the stepping on, the hugging. Immature? Yes. But I think especially since it was our only contact due to obviously not being able to express it in more intimate ways, that's why we were like that? Actually, scratch that, I am just immature and like touching people I like weirdly. Like, I couldn't stand a guy to wrap his arms around my waist or run his fingers through my hair but try to wrestle or get in my space in a non passive way? Go for it. It's hard to explain. It's nicer to have someone want to be near you and want to touch you but not when it just feels unnatural and uncomfortable. It's when I'm trapped that I hate it. Like, arms around me so I can't walk away or holding hands, or someone sitting too close to you on a couch, where you feel like it'd be rude to move away. It's restraining and then you feel like you have to awkwardly explain 'hey I want to go over here now...um, let go? And don't follow me, jfc." Maybe that's just me. For me, closeness has to be dynamic movements. Playing footsie, elbowing each other, violent type hugging, kissing, bumping into each other, flouncing over and plopping down on their laps, that's more my speed, weird as it is.
When out in public, I'd much prefer to rush over to them, grab their face and peck them on the lips, 'hey babe, I'm having so much fun, bye!' and go back to the fun thing I was doing and let them do their thing or then come join me and have it be more... like we're attached by an elastic band, that pulls apart and lets us do what we want and be our own individuals and then snaps us in again. Not like handcuffs, where you have to trail each other around. Like a sin(x) and negative sin(x) curve on the same graph. Move together, than apart. Over and over. Not like parallel lines, where you can never ever escape.
Another physicality thing I was thinking about. being attracted to people not for their actual looks-- like if you first see someone and they're just okay, but then you like them, or even when you don't like them, but they turn so attractive to you, even when you know logically that they aren't, you still feel like omfg get in my bed. You get attracted to their physical features, even when you know it doesn't really make sense. They aren't attractive features, but you start to like them anyway. Just on them. Like, the expressions a face makes, not the face itself? Because this happens to me and I guess it happens to most people in relationships. Not everyone is a 10, but people still find their significant others super attractive. Who knows, maybe they don't. How many people out there are just grinning and bearing it like me when my boyfriend wore really ugly trackies all the time and made me incredibly turned off?
But the fact is that some guys, I don't fucking care is they're in a frigging Tigger onesie, I'd still want to rip it off them and not because it's a crime against fashion but because I want them really really a lot and clothes are just in the way.
You need to find a person you feel like that about. That's how good physical relationships should be, and good physical relationships increase good relationships in general.
Actually though, I think that even in non romantic and non sexual relationships, I sometimes just want to touch and hug and feel, even when I'm not attracted to the person. I have a friend who'se sexual orientation and mine do not match up but he hugs better than anyone. I would lie down and sleep on top of him if he'd let me, that's how comfy he is. And it's weird, because he's a stick, and has narrow shoulders, but it's just one of those things. I only generally get prolonged contact on my birthdays though, because he's mean to me most of the time.
I think I just like people that I can't have and that are mean to me. That's my type. When it comes to attraction, the two things that I need- paradoxical as they are-- is confidence that they are into me, and not wanting to be with me. Treat em mean, keep em keen. It's such bullshit but it works damnit! I need to feel good enough about myself to be able to chase them, but I lose respect if they make it too easy because then I think that I'm better than them and it's not rational, okay? Attraction isn't. That's why you-know-who and I worked perhaps, for the while that we did, because he was into me, and I was sure of that, but at the same time.... well he certainly wasn't making a commitment. Maybe that took the pressure off me, I don't know.
I'm just fucking crazy. It's not like I don't want an equal relationship based on respect and trust and love, I just find myself really turned off by it in everybody I meet that represents that possibility.
When out in public, I'd much prefer to rush over to them, grab their face and peck them on the lips, 'hey babe, I'm having so much fun, bye!' and go back to the fun thing I was doing and let them do their thing or then come join me and have it be more... like we're attached by an elastic band, that pulls apart and lets us do what we want and be our own individuals and then snaps us in again. Not like handcuffs, where you have to trail each other around. Like a sin(x) and negative sin(x) curve on the same graph. Move together, than apart. Over and over. Not like parallel lines, where you can never ever escape.
Another physicality thing I was thinking about. being attracted to people not for their actual looks-- like if you first see someone and they're just okay, but then you like them, or even when you don't like them, but they turn so attractive to you, even when you know logically that they aren't, you still feel like omfg get in my bed. You get attracted to their physical features, even when you know it doesn't really make sense. They aren't attractive features, but you start to like them anyway. Just on them. Like, the expressions a face makes, not the face itself? Because this happens to me and I guess it happens to most people in relationships. Not everyone is a 10, but people still find their significant others super attractive. Who knows, maybe they don't. How many people out there are just grinning and bearing it like me when my boyfriend wore really ugly trackies all the time and made me incredibly turned off?
But the fact is that some guys, I don't fucking care is they're in a frigging Tigger onesie, I'd still want to rip it off them and not because it's a crime against fashion but because I want them really really a lot and clothes are just in the way.
You need to find a person you feel like that about. That's how good physical relationships should be, and good physical relationships increase good relationships in general.
Actually though, I think that even in non romantic and non sexual relationships, I sometimes just want to touch and hug and feel, even when I'm not attracted to the person. I have a friend who'se sexual orientation and mine do not match up but he hugs better than anyone. I would lie down and sleep on top of him if he'd let me, that's how comfy he is. And it's weird, because he's a stick, and has narrow shoulders, but it's just one of those things. I only generally get prolonged contact on my birthdays though, because he's mean to me most of the time.
I think I just like people that I can't have and that are mean to me. That's my type. When it comes to attraction, the two things that I need- paradoxical as they are-- is confidence that they are into me, and not wanting to be with me. Treat em mean, keep em keen. It's such bullshit but it works damnit! I need to feel good enough about myself to be able to chase them, but I lose respect if they make it too easy because then I think that I'm better than them and it's not rational, okay? Attraction isn't. That's why you-know-who and I worked perhaps, for the while that we did, because he was into me, and I was sure of that, but at the same time.... well he certainly wasn't making a commitment. Maybe that took the pressure off me, I don't know.
I'm just fucking crazy. It's not like I don't want an equal relationship based on respect and trust and love, I just find myself really turned off by it in everybody I meet that represents that possibility.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Damn it.
I fucked up.
I hate it when I do that. I just... urgh, why can I never keep my big mouth shut.
See, there is this cyclic link, of me, my cousin, my best friend and her boyfriend. I talk to my best friend, she talks to her boyfriend, her boyfriend talks to my cousin and my cousin talks to me. And the opposite direction.
So I hear some gossip about the boyfriend from my best friend. Then I hear it again from my cousin. But different. Boyfriend left some details out. So I tell my best friend what I heard.
She freaks, gets incredibly mad at boyfriend. I get stressed for causing it and for possibly making things bad between my cousin and the boyfriend.
It's my fault.
And it's not the first time either! If anyone of them bitches about the other, I hear it and I can't help but pass it on and it gets back to them and it's my fault, what is wrong with me?
Argh.
My cousin and I actually share another hey-it's-a-small-world links. She's good friends with you-know-who's girlfriends older sister, so I get lots of gossip through that, but thankfully, that link is one way.
I saw both you-know-who and his girlfriend today at uni. Seperatly, which is better. You know who and I got coffee and talked for a little while, but we're going to hopefully meet up that time weekly so that'll be perfect, because I was this close to slamming the door on the idea that we could be friends and starting to think that maybe it just wasn't possible.
He and I talked about my best friend a bit. Their long standing feud for one thing. They have so much in common and in some ways I think they are so alike, but they don't see it. He was saying that he didn't like her even in Year 10 and such, way back when I juts assumed they were no comment about each other, just in the same group type friends, but then he was just like joking around, like 'and then she started to hate me, hmm I wonder why that could have been, let me think...' which I thought was kind of funny.
Then he was like 'yeah, but she kinda overreacted' and I said 'I didn't mind it. I kind of under reacted so it felt like she was kind of balancing it out.' and he agreed with me. Maybe that's progress.
I fucked up.
I hate it when I do that. I just... urgh, why can I never keep my big mouth shut.
See, there is this cyclic link, of me, my cousin, my best friend and her boyfriend. I talk to my best friend, she talks to her boyfriend, her boyfriend talks to my cousin and my cousin talks to me. And the opposite direction.
So I hear some gossip about the boyfriend from my best friend. Then I hear it again from my cousin. But different. Boyfriend left some details out. So I tell my best friend what I heard.
She freaks, gets incredibly mad at boyfriend. I get stressed for causing it and for possibly making things bad between my cousin and the boyfriend.
It's my fault.
And it's not the first time either! If anyone of them bitches about the other, I hear it and I can't help but pass it on and it gets back to them and it's my fault, what is wrong with me?
Argh.
My cousin and I actually share another hey-it's-a-small-world links. She's good friends with you-know-who's girlfriends older sister, so I get lots of gossip through that, but thankfully, that link is one way.
I saw both you-know-who and his girlfriend today at uni. Seperatly, which is better. You know who and I got coffee and talked for a little while, but we're going to hopefully meet up that time weekly so that'll be perfect, because I was this close to slamming the door on the idea that we could be friends and starting to think that maybe it just wasn't possible.
He and I talked about my best friend a bit. Their long standing feud for one thing. They have so much in common and in some ways I think they are so alike, but they don't see it. He was saying that he didn't like her even in Year 10 and such, way back when I juts assumed they were no comment about each other, just in the same group type friends, but then he was just like joking around, like 'and then she started to hate me, hmm I wonder why that could have been, let me think...' which I thought was kind of funny.
Then he was like 'yeah, but she kinda overreacted' and I said 'I didn't mind it. I kind of under reacted so it felt like she was kind of balancing it out.' and he agreed with me. Maybe that's progress.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Exchange
So I had one of those moments when you dip your toe into the water and then you lose your balance and fall in and then you're underwater and soaked and totally into it.
I've never really considered study abroad before. One of my good friends always planned to do it but I always just thought 'okay, good for you, not my thing' but I don't know, something changed. And now I want it super badly and I'm definitely going to do it. I've taken steps towards accomplishing it too. I have until August to actually hand in my application but there is a lot to consider until that point, like which Uni (even what country to an extent), what subjects, which subjects match up with my course, what semester would I be there, what subjects run at that time, would it be better to go in Spring which would align with their year starting or would I prefer to do my Autumn semester and backpack over their summer? Questions questions.
Then there are so many other considerations, like how much money I'd need, would it set back my degree, would I be able to make friends, is it worth losing my jobs, is it worth all the money? Could I really backpack across countries where I don't know the language solo? I mean, I think the answer is yes, but they are big questions.
I am very excited by the idea though, which is so surprising because I never considered it before. I was impressed by the randoms on my facebook that did it, and of course loved it, but as an introverted, shy person, I didn't think I could do it.
But what I am, is adventurous, willing to be spontaneous, not fussy about cleanliness or plans, I'm not focused on the little details, I'm willing to try new things and get involved, I just lack confidence in a) myself, in such things as booking hostels/flights, finding where to go, and in general, in decision making, I prefer group feedback where the group chooses what I thought to begin with, thereby validating my reasoning and decision making. I'm intelligent, and I have to hope that I can counteract my lack of assertiveness and outgoingness. I know I will have to make friends, I know I will have to join in with people, and use these people for company on trips in whatever country I'm in, and make friends. I will be on a solo trip, but I don't expect at all that that means all the solo parts will be done with me by myself.
However, I'm getting way ahead of myself. Study Abroad will just be travelling on the weekends, again, hopefully with the friends I make there. That would be about taking advantage of every opportunity living in a country would give me, with having a permanent residence on campus to return to. Not to mention studying, relaxing, joining clubs, making friends etc.
This could be so cool.
I am excited.
I've never really considered study abroad before. One of my good friends always planned to do it but I always just thought 'okay, good for you, not my thing' but I don't know, something changed. And now I want it super badly and I'm definitely going to do it. I've taken steps towards accomplishing it too. I have until August to actually hand in my application but there is a lot to consider until that point, like which Uni (even what country to an extent), what subjects, which subjects match up with my course, what semester would I be there, what subjects run at that time, would it be better to go in Spring which would align with their year starting or would I prefer to do my Autumn semester and backpack over their summer? Questions questions.
Then there are so many other considerations, like how much money I'd need, would it set back my degree, would I be able to make friends, is it worth losing my jobs, is it worth all the money? Could I really backpack across countries where I don't know the language solo? I mean, I think the answer is yes, but they are big questions.
I am very excited by the idea though, which is so surprising because I never considered it before. I was impressed by the randoms on my facebook that did it, and of course loved it, but as an introverted, shy person, I didn't think I could do it.
But what I am, is adventurous, willing to be spontaneous, not fussy about cleanliness or plans, I'm not focused on the little details, I'm willing to try new things and get involved, I just lack confidence in a) myself, in such things as booking hostels/flights, finding where to go, and in general, in decision making, I prefer group feedback where the group chooses what I thought to begin with, thereby validating my reasoning and decision making. I'm intelligent, and I have to hope that I can counteract my lack of assertiveness and outgoingness. I know I will have to make friends, I know I will have to join in with people, and use these people for company on trips in whatever country I'm in, and make friends. I will be on a solo trip, but I don't expect at all that that means all the solo parts will be done with me by myself.
However, I'm getting way ahead of myself. Study Abroad will just be travelling on the weekends, again, hopefully with the friends I make there. That would be about taking advantage of every opportunity living in a country would give me, with having a permanent residence on campus to return to. Not to mention studying, relaxing, joining clubs, making friends etc.
This could be so cool.
I am excited.
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