Stress.

"I'm really gonna miss you picking fights, and me, falling for it, screaming that I'm right."

Other people doesn't get it, the way my relationship is with my ex. It's difficult and not fun and stressful and irritating and you give a lot more than you get.

They're not there, they're not the ones that has to make sure he's being safe, or looking after his own best interests. He's not the one that's going to get chastised for smothering him or being pushy, when the alternative is let him fuck up his own life. I can't just shut up like the other girls seem to and just discuss how stupid he's being when he's not around. At least I tell him what I think.

I'm the one that has to deal with his passive aggressive comments, with his constant blase comments about taking his own life, that has to spend hours and long nights trying to convince him that life is worth living. That has to deal with his mood swings, him taking it out on me through dick comments that do nothing but bring me down. Nights when he scares me and I have to send off SOS messages because I can't deal with it myself. When I get all the blame for dating him and breaking it off, for encouraging him with another girl that didn't work out. When I still get called harpy for 'breaking his heart' by the person who shattered mine.

I do toy with the idea that his issues with me have to do with the fact that we dated. I don't think so, I mean, okay this is going to sound bad, but us dating and breaking up was seriously low key. It doesn't really rate for me. I didn't really feel anything except relief when we broke up. Same as I feel now.

He didn't love me. He didn't. I'm not just trying to justify it. Our relationship mostly sucked. It was way one sided, we barely talked about our feelings. He was never that comfortable around me. He told me he loved me the first time over text before telling me he thought I preferred someone else. He'd mumble it to me as he hugged me goodbye while I awkwardly stood there knowing my friends who were next to me had heard it to. Awkward describes us as a couple. We were fine at being friends, but as a couple it was like he'd thrust his feelings at me and then run away. Like, say 'love you' then retreat. Pull out my birthday present as I was getting off the bus, so all I could say is 'thanks'. Do the same thing when he had to apologise, mutter a few words then leave.

So I personally don't have any attachment to us as a couple so the idea that he could mostly just confuses me. I mean, what was there to hold on to? It was a shitty relationship, he thought I was too good for him, I was apathetic and too shy to tell him how it really was-- that I wasn't trying to fall in love and get a life partner out of it, I was just looking for a for-now boyfriend and I knew that right from the start. It was unequal and I was probably in the wrong for not valuing him highly enough- in that I wouldn't hold back because him breaking up with me was neither a scary thought nor a realistic one. What I'm trying to say is that as far as relationships go, that wasn't love. I think. I don't know. It certainly wasn't healthy love. It wasn't positive or productive or realistic. I don't know. He'd do things for me and be romantic that way but to me a relationship is an honest partnership and that wasn't us.

He didn't love me so it doesn't make sense that he'd have enough feelings left about the issue to have an impact now. It's also that I hooked him up with another girl. Ish. I didn't. I talked to both of them and I encouraged it because I wanted him to be happy, even though I started having doubts about how happy it would make the girl. And when those doubts came true, he got pissed at me for facilitating that relationship blossoming.

It's like he doesn't consider himself responsible for anything that I have a hand in. Well, screw him.

Tell me this is stress that I should have had to put up with. (This is a conversation I was having with someone else. It's old but legit.)

• • Me: fuck, he's gone offline
  • right after telling me he's cutting

• •  i think i pissed him off
  • i didn't even mean to. in the last ten minutes, he called me a dumb bitch, a slut, and an arrogant and manipulative bitch. i just laughed it off but then he says im not taking him seriously

    
    

Fucking same old, same old. 'Not taking him seriously' is exactly what he said to me in our last fight. Oh, because it would be so much better if I said 'You want me to take you seriously? Stop fucking around and take control of your own life. Stop bitching, stop tearing other people down, stop being an attention seeker. Stop disregarding everyone that's trying to help you and watching their reactions when you tell them you'll be dead 2 years from now so no point planning for the future. When you tell them you were out all night because you were involved with some druggos. You want me to stop patronising  you and treating you like a child? Fucking earn it.'

Not my fucking problem anymore. My ex is an asshole. He doesn't respect me, he brings me down because he can't deal with his own life and it annoys him when I'm happy and enjoying life and he can't get it together. He's spiteful and manipulative and gets his jollies from screwing with me. Is he depressed? Yes. He's been depressed for years and I've done more than anyone to try to help him.

We aren't friends though now and like I told you-know-who, I'm glad.

It's like a weight off my shoulders.

You-know-who's acting like it's my fault. He's saying it's my fault. He's defending my ex and saying he's not a dick and saying  to me 'what did you do, harpy?' and 'what did you fight with him about?' and 'you're super judgemental, that's probably why' and all those sorts of things. And then I try to say something and he just goes 'if you say so.' He won't argue anything or let me argue anything.

Therefore why I am here. Ranting.

This. Is. Not. My. Fault.

Reduced capacity

So I saw my... not best friend. High school best friend? Best-friend-in-reduced-capacity? My RC friend. I hadn't seen her in forever so I was eager to spend time with her.

It was okay. I'm comfortable with her. I'm comfortable not ringing the doorbell and just coming into her house, taking off my shoes and going up to her room. I'm comfortable waking up in the morning and going downstairs and making myself milo and cereal. I'm cool with taking her pets out of their cages and playing with them, or I don't know... anything.

But we aren't best friends anymore. Not because we don't want to be but because we just don't suit each other anymore. I feel like there are just these little things that we just... I don;t know... look at each other in polite bemusement, rather than just being on the same page. Being around her wasn't bad, but I have mor fun with others. I'm not saying goodbye to her, but I accept that things have changed. Just like me and my ex boyfriend, or just like me and he-who-must-not-be-named, relationships evolve and devolve and that's life.

questions 9?

• 1: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
• That's the plan.
• 2: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
• Single, but not at all confused or heartbroken.
• 3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
• Thanks :) 
• 4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
• I have. I always kind of feel it's a cop out though, and letting the other person take all the responsibility is lame. It makes it all about them and what's in their power, rather than what's in yours.
• 5: Are you interested in anyone right now?
• No. I smile at boys and flirt sometimes but it's just for fun.
• 6: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
• Tutorials at Uni. Seeing if anyone I know is in my classes, what my tutors are like, getting stuck into it.
• 7: Do you want to be single?
• It's not my first choice.
• 8: Did you go out or stay in last night?
• Go out. Sort of. I mean, I wasn't at home but I wasn't out drinking and partying it up.
• 9: How late did you stay up last night?
• 2am?
• 10: Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot? 
• Yeah, over a year ago now, how odd.
• 11: Last three things you had to drink?
• Water, milk and milo.
• 12: Have you pretended to like someone?
• Yeah, who hasn't? I'm pleasant to people I don't like all the time.
• 13: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
• No. I'm a lot more likely not to say it when it's true than the opposite.
• 14: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
• The question, has anyone ever seen me in my underwear ever? pops to mind. But yes, a bunch of people have, mostly girls, and not in the super sexy way.
• 15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
• Yeah, but I get there eventually.
• 16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
• Yep.
• 17: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
• At netball gala day, freezing my ass off and screaming encouragement from the sidelines.
• 18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
• Nope.
• 19: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
• Yeah.
• 20: What would you name your future daughter?
• Well, I have a list of the top 20, but my top choice right now is Chloe.
• 21: Do you miss anyone?
• Yeah, I suppose you could say that.
• 22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
• Nope, the most in one night for me is two.
• 23: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
• Nope. Only ever kissed on a bed once- wait, no, twice.
• 24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
• Lol no.
• 25: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
• Heaps of times. Is there ever any other reason to cry?
• 26: Who did you last see in person?
• My mum I guess.
• 27: Are you listening to music right now?
• Nope.
• 28: What is something you currently want right now?
• Clinkers but mum has the car because she's gone shopping and I wanted to go the the shops to get them but now she's there and I'm here and she'd see me.
• 29: What is the last thing you said out loud?
• I really don't know.
• 30: How is your heart lately?
• Stable, very low key.
• 31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
• No.
• 32: Are you wearing socks?
• Nope.
• 33: What do people call you?
• Lucy generally. Luce has become way more popular recently, I don't know why. Originally it was just Megan and then Austin, but now it's everyone. I mean, I like it, but I alway thought I liked it because it was special to just Megan. I have a bunch of different nicknames. Lulu, Lu, Lucille, Rucy etc. 
• 34: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
• No, because they don't exist.
• 35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
• Well I guess so. I get stressed about ordering pizza over the phone. I've never had to do it. I've been left without dinner, but I've never been pushed far enough to make the call.
• 36: Who did you last share a bed with?
• Megan and Jess last night. As Megan likes to say, me and her are 'sleeping partners'
• 37: Did you do something bad today?
• Only healthy eating wise haha.
• 38: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
• Last week? Oh wait, my dad would have hugged me yesterday.
• 39: Do you get stressed out easily?
• No.
• 40: Will you sing today?
• Is the sky blue.
• 41: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
• Yeah. I remember back years ago, when I was first like 'omg, i think I might possibly be bi', I never told the girl I had a crush on her. I still think about it sometimes and what she'd say. Sometimes I think I never got over it completely.
• 42: Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
• Mia generally. If it's about uni or parents or boys. Occasionally Austin, but that isn't so much because I can rant to him, he's just a real calming factor. Or at least, his mediocre responses give me something else to think about. Actually, that's most likely it, no matter what the problem is, going to him will at least get my mind onto something else.
• 43: Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
• Yeah, but for my brother once, and my mum another time. Never for myself.
• 44: What are you listening to right now?
• Silence.
• 45: What is wrong with you right now?
• I have homework but I just had a shower and I'm upstairs and I don't want to get out of bed and get dressed and get ready for uni which I only have 30 minutes until I have to leave.
• 46: What is on your wrists right now?
• Just a hair elastic.
• 47: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
• I didn't. 
• 48: What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
• Hot chocolate.
• 49: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
• If I notice.
• 50: Are you a good artist?
• Not really.
• 51: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
• It certainly can be.
• 52: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
• It was still summer then. Yessss.

Beck n call

I thought I'd just spend one quick entry talking about he-who-must-not-be-named. Or he-who-I-do-an-incredibly-shitty-job-at-not-naming-but-am-going-to-attempt-anyway-for-this-entry.

Obviously we don't have much going on these days. We don't really talk or see each other, our friendship fizzled out when all the drama stopped. Well, not immediately, but more... now that I don't care. I can't really explain it but such is life. I don't mean we aren't friends, our group is full of people who interact a lot less than him and I, but he gets held up to higher standards.

It makes me happy to know that I don't care too much. Like, yesterday he wanted my help with something that would have taken half my day. Upside, I'd of spent the day with him, done a good thing for a friend etc, downside, awkwardness getting there, major inconvenience and feeling stupid for going out of my way to help him, more than I would for a regular person. Plus it would probably have been boring. So I said no... 50% because I didn't want to and couldn't be bothered to think of a way to do it ie get there, ask for details, have an actual conversation, and 50% because, well, I'm not at his beck and call and don't like feeling that I am. So I just texted him and was like, sorry no.

Then today he messages me 'hey, urgent, when are you free next week, I need a partner for something etc.' and I think, okay, what. But because I'm now slower and less eager to respond (ie 2 minutes and didn't immediately say 'sure, what's up?') he found someone else first. I'm not disappointed, I still have no idea what he was going on about, he didn't have the courtesy to explain, just 'actually, don't worry, don't need you now.' But it's weird.

Is it worth it not to be at his beck and call and to feel like I don't care about him?

I'm a bad person probably but oh my god, yes. Yes it is.

I love him and all (platonically) but he needs it out of his head that I just do whatever he asks. Because I really really don't.

Edit: Lol, it happened again today. Third day in a row. Same as last time, I was only mildly helpful and then he found someone else. I feel satisfied.

Also with you-know-who's best friend, I had to spend time with him because he was hanging around... when he came up to me in lecture, starting tearing me down for not taking notes, saying like 'oh, well if you aren't going to take notes, why even bother being here?' when I was actually listening, though we hadn't even started doing anything apart from reading the course outline yet, which I told him, then told him to shut his mouth. He went away.

Then he was there when I was meeting with my bffl's, so I had to tolerate him. Then he was there when I was with my friend getting the bus home. Then he was there when we were waiting at the bus stop for another bus, though he was home.

Then because I do netball training at the park right near his house, I was going to text him to see if he wanted to play with my dogs while I coached, because I brought them with me and I know he loves my dogs. But then I was just like '... no, why am I being nice to him, I don't want to bother.' So I didn't tell him. It's not that it makes me mean, just not go-out-of-my-way-to-be-kind, the same attitude I've taken to you-know-who.

ramblings about personality or what makes people attractive

I'm trying to work out exactly what it is I find attractive in guys. Or just people, I don't know. We'll see how far I get. Just for fun. Or so when I next get a boyfriend, I can checklist.

I want to work out what qualities it is that attracts me to people, what characteristics they all have in common.

I think one of the highest things is confidence. Not swag or arrogance or loudness particularly, it can just be that quiet 'I believe in myself' type but confidence is sexy. Or maybe just lack of confidence is so unsexy. Just the ability to talk without putting themselves or others down. Modesty is one thing but lack of self worth is just a downer. Plus I like it when guys are confident enough to take the lead, to take hints and confidently take the knowledge that you're interested and act on it. That is sexy.

That kind of ties into my competence kink. I like guys that are good at stuff. Guys that are as good as me, that are better, that teach me. I like teaching too but learning from someone that knows what they're talking about really gets me. When you can learn from someone without them becoming patronising or arrogant or know-it-all, I love that. Even when it's small things like a card game or how to spin a basketball on your finger or how to switch the cables on the TV so I can play the PS2. Maybe I'm just opportunistic and like guys that make my life more convenient lol.

I like smart guys. Guys that understand things, that know things, that get good marks, that care about their future, that I can have deep discussions about life with. That don't say 'I don't get it' or 'I don't care.' That will debate shit with me and argue until they're blue in the face if they think they're right but still have the ability to conceed that they're wrong if they realise it.

I like guys that try things. More confidence stuff here, but I like guys that are comfortable with themselves, who will do lame things if they want to and not care about what other people might think. When people don't just react to others and have actual opinions of their own that they'll express, that's awesome. The type of people that can just say something that sounds totally unrealistic but they're so calm and confident about it that it's easy to believe them. Like... they say 'let's go do so-and-so' and you say 'what, no, that's stupid and lame' but they convince you and afterwards you realise that was actually really fun. People like that, that change your preconceptions and get you out of your comfort zone. People that just act like themselves and be comfortable in it.

I suppose that's what I like in someone generally. What I like in a relationship is different. I know I've had boyfriends but I still don't feel like I ever really did have a relationship. At least, not a good example of one. So this is mostly hypothetical, but I am looking forward to working all this stuff out for real. I know I've written these things before, like when I was 15.

"I want a boyfriend. I really truly do. Not in a – im desperate- way but I want someone that comes to me first in the morning and says hello. I wnt someone who will care and who I can talk to and not have to watch everything I say and I want an automatic person that puts me at the top of the list. If I had someone, I would do that for them too."

And this.

"I don’t want a boyfriend for the kissing, I want it for the friend. Kisses I think would be good, nothing past that though, NO WAY."

I was kind of cute back then. Immature for sure, but I knew what I wanted. I wanted someone for me. I wanted a best friend really. A best friend that wouldn't ditch me for a relationship cos I was their relationship. I've always sort of held the view that a boyfriend is basically just friendship plus sexual attraction. Like, a boyfriend should be your best friend. If in an alternate universe they were a girl, they should be your bffl. In the end, it's got to be you and them in a 'us against the world' type thing.

Back when I was 15/16 and I was writing all this teenage angst about boys and not having a boyfriend and freaking out over having feelings for people I didn't expect and wondering about religion and God and how much of an awful person I was and if I was going to Hell, I was generally quite cynical. More than I am now. Back then I was all, love is bullshit, doesn't exist, especially not at our age. I was more judgmental and probably more of a prude. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Still, the things I wrote.

"If I ever do it I'm gonna make sure that I am so sure. It all seems pretty disgusting really and dirty and yucky. It's supposed to be intimate but I don’t see how it is. It makes you very vulnerable I suppose but that’s not really intimacy. I guess it's physical love. Or something. But at the same time, it's just physical gratification. Using someone else to make you feel good. Which is yuck. All the terms for physical stuff like that, like fooling around and getting off and fucking. It makes it seem yucky and not nice. I mean, there are nicer terms, making love and all that. But still.

But kissing wasn’t yucky. I don’t know. When I know more, I shall report on this topic. Still, sex scares the hell out of me. This seems retarded and weird but I don’t know if I’ll ever want to do stuff like that. Sure I want to kiss a boy but let him inside my body? Just no. Even if I love the person and trust them and everything." 

 It's funny being at an age like that where you feel so grown up and you think you know everything but feelings do change and ideas about things shift. It's why I write diaries and blogs, because intellectually I'm sure my mind will change but I never can convince myself of it at the time. Like, the Austin thing. I wrote so much because I know a year from then I'd feel so different and I was right. Now I read those entries and I'm so happy I wrote them because I love to see the journey 

My ideas on sex are odd. I remember feeling that way. Obviously I wasn't ready to sleep with anyone and I wouldn't have wanted to. Sex back then, at best it was a curiosity, at worst, it would have been a violation. I"m not saying that people that age shouldn't have sex. Like anything personal, it's a choice people should make for themselves, but certainly I wasn't going to go there anytime soon. I just saw it as something to investigate further as I got older. That's still my basic outlook. I've progressed since then. I don't think of it as 'yucky' anymore, and though I still think about the 'meaning' of sex and it's implications and the interplay between the people involved, I don't think of it as inherently bad or selfish or disgusting. I think I've gained the emotional maturity to deal with it realistically if I was to do it. I'm not in any rush however, which is nice. 

skiiiiiiing

Well I've been busy lately.

I got back from a ski trip with my friends last night, which was fantastic. We had great times. I got to eat junk food, hang out with people I like, improve my skiing and spend the evenings playing Canasta. Even though I didn't win either game. Such bad luck. Only me and one other guy there are serious about card games, so we taught everyone else to play Canasta using 4 decks. It's a complicated game to learn, though it's easy enough once you get the idea. But not only was I sitting to the left of the other good player, so was at a disadvantage there, I won the first 3 rounds of both games, but then lost the 4th and 5th rounds, so I kept coming 2nd. Oh, the woes of my life.


I don't know why I just told you all that, but I'm kind of competitive. With cards. Or anything really.


It was a great trip though. It was with a completely different group than my normal Schoolies crew. This was more, my best friend and her boyfriend, and a bunch of other friends I see less often but still really enjoy being around comfortably. Actually, last year when I was still working out what I was doing about schoolies, I was considering leaving early so I could do both. In the end though, I wasn't comfortable with the camping and the drinking so much as I was with my own group, even though it meant ditching my bffl. Plus the Austin factor tipped it.

So it was lovely to spend some time with all of them. It was 4 girls and 3 guys. It would have been even but sadly the last person, the only one that would have actually crossed over from my normal group, is injured and is out for the ski season this year. But it'll be an annual thing most likely so there is always next time. It is disappointing for him though, cos skiing is awesome. I was disappointed with him not coming cos we do get along really well at ski trip. It's weird but we don't have that much time that we spend just us. Like, it's more than just being friends through proximity, but I like to try to spend time individually with people. He's dating one of my best friends so being friends with him is so easily uncomplicated.

The other guys on the trip were funnily enough, either my best friends boyfriend, good friends boyfriend or sort-of-best-friend-but-now-in-reduced-capacity's ex-boyfriend. Complicated huh? Not really, but it meant that I certainly wasn't going on the trip with guys in mind. It's not like I've sworn off guys or whatever, but it is kinda new to not really have anyone in mind at all. I don't really remember the last time it really happened, I generally have at least one person I can kinda draw on.

But it's a good thing. Obviously I've never been the type of person to need that. Generally it only ever makes a difference in that it makes things more exciting. But I don't know, it sort of happened anyway. Me, another girl and my friends ex-boyfriend were sharing a room. It was couples in one room, and singles in the other. He and I had the bottom bunks and the other girl had the bunk above me.

He started dating my best friend in Year 9, so it's weird now that they're broken up, because I just still think of them as a package deal. They were that kind of couple you know, that always does everything together. I guess that played a large role in why she's my reduced capacity friend now. We just weren't spending much time together anymore and by Year 12 we just weren't as bosom buddies anymore. It's sad and I do want to reconnect with her but yeah. But anyway, as far as I'm concerned really, even though she broke up with him and she's said before that she doesn't care if I wanted to go with him, it'd just be so weird. Like, how would you forget that he was once the guy sleeping with your best friend?

So yeah, we sort of had... I don't even know how to describe it. It was very low key. Maybe just some chemistry for a few days. He'd smack me on the ass with his ski pole when we were skiing and I'd tease him about stuff. On the 2nd and 3rd night we stayed up talking for awhile. I don't know if we'd ever really done that much. Not about anything that earth shattering though we did get into a discussion about virginity and 'purity' which I did rip into him about. Feminist Lucy is not impressed with sexism, no matter who is talking.

On the third night, after we'd all stopped talking and were just going to sleep, like an hour or something after lights out, he was randomly like 'hey Luce, wanna make out?' I was half asleep and just like "um no. You dated my best friend, it'd be weird..." Or something like that. It was one of those awkward situations because I swear that happened but it was so weird and out of the blue that in the morning I started doubting myself and being like '...did that actually happen?" But I'm sure it did. I don't think he was weird about it the next day and my bffl was just like 'he was probs joking, that's just him' but idk, it felt like if I'd of said 'lolk, come into my bunk', my evening would have been very different but either way, I said no.

I'm not hooking up with people, I'm just not. It's not that part of me isn't tempted when these offers pop up, but i don't know. Part of it is that I don't want to be 'that girl.' I don't know why I don't, apart from society telling me it'd make me a slut. I think it'd make me feel guilty, which is mostly just internalised sexism, but either way, I feel like I'd regret doing it more than I'd regret not doing it. Also, the obvious he dated my best friend for like 2.5 years.. He is forever associated with her. It's partly because most people I know are still on girlfriend number one, all long term things, so they just belong together. So it's impossible to imagine boys outside their relationships, not that I'd want to.

But yeah, that was my guy interactions at ski trip. The others were all lovely as well. It was an absolutely positive trip. I had a great time and it was relaxing without all the guy drama. Proves you don't need it and can still go away and have a great time :)

PS. Also I just have to say this cos it makes me lol so hard. In my stats for this blog, I can see what people search to find it, if they use Google. Some of the things, I swear....

Examples include 'how to forget a stupid hookup', 'why do girls play hard to get? its bullshit' 'nice guy syndrome misogyny', 'treating girls with respect bullshit' and 'she likes the attention chauvinist' 

It's funny.

assholes and my relationships with them.

Omfg, this guy is driving me insane. And not in the good way. I can't say their name (I'm trying to move away from that) but I need a tag that isn't 'my ex', because it's not very accurate and it doesn't describe our relationship very well at all. I called the guy who prompted this blog being made due to overload of hurt feelings 'you-know-who' cos well, duh, Voldemort. He deserves an evil tag haha. This guy will just have to have 'this guy.' Or you know who's best friend.

But anyway, I'm actually I'm driving myself insane. When people treat me like dirt, why do I just ignore it when I see them again? I certainly did it with you-know-who and I'm doing it again because I don't like being mad at people. Being angry is exhausting.

He is a grade A asshole. I'm so tired of him. But I knew this already, I came to this conclusion last week. But then he came to my work and was like 'when do you finish?' and when I got off work I sat down with him and we chatted but then he's like randomly and matter of factly, 'I don't know why I talk to you, I hate you."

Rolls eyes. I don't care as in hurting my feelings. His opinion is dirt. I don't care at all about that. He says bullshit to get a reaction and giving it to him is the worst thing I could do. I could have told him to fuck off or all kinds of nasty things but I just got up and walked away. I doubt that was the right choice either, because he just started smirking and asked 'did I scare you away?' but whatever.

I just need to actually follow through with not being friends when I say I don't want to anymore. He's a douchebag and I'm sick of it and I'm not dealing with it.

ideas about weight loss

So I was reading a friends blog (shout out cos they now know I still read it :P) and they were talking about my blog and my weight loss stuff.

Idk, those posts I think would be pretty boring to anyone that's not me lol. They're kind of helpful though to document so that's mainly what they are but he said something that I suppose I want to correct.

I do think I'm overweight because by definition, I'm 3kg overweight. It's not much and it's not a big deal but I am. I suppose calling myself fat is different, because fat means unattractive and big and yucky and okay, sometimes I think this about myself but not really. I have things I would like to change and improve- I want to become so much fitter and healthier and more capable of physical feats and yeah, I want to be able to look good in dresses and look smokin' in underwear. But I don't hate myself now. I love myself. I love who I am and my body is pretty cool too. I like my skin and my hair and my eyes and all different parts of me.

I might feel resentful towards my thighs sometimes but I appreciate them and all they do for me none the less. I still check myself out in the mirror and am generally partially confident with what i see. I don't doubt that some people even find me attractive. A bunch of boys have all called me pretty and beautiful and stunning and all those sorts of words. My family certainly goes all out to build my self esteem.

But weight loss is about more than that, it's about making me feel comfortable with me and honestly, losing weight would help with that. I'm being healthy and smart about it I think and doing it slowly. I'm making friends through tumblr by doing it and it's given me great new opportunities to meet up with friends.

Megan even said she was proud of me and I've inspired her to start getting fit as well. That makes me feel so good :)

I guess I just wanted to say that this is a positive experience for me, not a negative one. I've never felt so proud of myself for the achievements I'm making. Just think, a month ago I could barely run 3 minutes without wanting to stop. Tomorrow I'm attempting to run 8km voluntarily. In September, my tumblr friend Lucy and I could be running together in a 9km race. This week alone I've run over 20km and by tomorrow afternoon it could be almost 30km.

I've discovered I like muesli today- something I've never tried before and it's delicious! Through beginning to lose weight, I've learnt so much. I've discovered oats, and I'm addicted. I've started cooking almost all my own meals and am developing such good habits. I'm becoming more accountable for myself and I'm gaining a lot of pleasure from what I'm doing. Sure, the limiting of chocolate is lame, but it makes me appreciate it a lot more now.

A quote I'm trying to recall now was something like 'weight loss- I've never felt so much of a failure and a success at the same time." The actual quote was much better but the idea was that weight loss is all about the small things, a good run one day, a small loss, a small gain, a plateau, guilt after a binge, a day of clean eating and solid exercise etc etc. It empowers you.

Post weigh-in

Well. Meh. I stayed the same. Still 71.2kg. Actually 71.4 when I woke up but 71.2 after I ran.

I ran a bit further than Thursday and have plans to run all the way to North Beach tomorrow (6.15km) so I'm kind of excited for that. If I'm not losing on the scale, I have to be even more dedicated to non-scale victories for motivation. Running provides me that for sure. Mean Abs June is a lot less thrilling. I just don't know how many more days I can keep up with it, it's too much and I don't know what happened to my abs but they're gone. 30 sit ups is hard which is sad, I know. But it's mainly the push ups. Yes, I could do 30 pushups nose-touching-the-floor when I was 12, but not now. I managed 17 last night but that just means I have to do 19 tonight and I'm already using mind tricks to get myself motivated enough to tough them out. But it's not like running, my arms just don't want to do it.

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I did the 6k and tomorrow I'm excited to attempt 8k.

Even though I'm not losing weight, I have a lot of NSV happening lately so I'm taking comfort in that.

Pre weigh-in

So... today was my rest day. I was out last night late so obviously I didn't want to get up at 7am to run. Or even 8am.

I suppose since I haven't blogged lately, I should mention that I have been running 5kms the last few mornings. I ran my first 5k on Tuesday of this week while at Beaton Park with Mia (crazy awesome achievement, go me!) and  was able to run it again Wednesday and Thursday by myself in the morning. For less than an hour of exercise, I am burning close to 500 calories. Getting it out of the way that early is really good too, because though I can have hateful thoughts towards it at the time, the rest of my day after I've run is so positive, because I've done my good deed of the day and I'm happy and proud and full of endorphins. It also gives me more flexibility with my eating.

Right now, I'm being pretty flexible with it. My calorie intake is higher than 1200 pretty much every day and I have chocolate too. Just once a day and only a small serving size but chocolate (caramel slice has been this weeks treat) none the less. That's the moderation theory right? If I have things to look forward to in my diet then I don't feel deprived and I won't go for clinkers. I have to recognise that that is the absolute worst, most self-sabotaging thing I can do. When I buy one pack, I eat it all and the next day I go back for more. sometimes 2 packs. So that's 3 days and quite possibly more than 2000 calories consumed and I'm stuck craving more for the next few days. It's a binge, that's what it is and I can't deal well with binges. I can't deal with putting the numbers in myfitnesspal. So I stop counting completely, I refuse to weigh myself. Last week I couldn't exercise because of my ankle so I was stuck at home in a rut and if I can't nip that into a bud, it could spell disaster and falling off the wagon.

Thankfully, in less than a week I was able to get back into it. I haven't weighed in yet but I'm hopeful because I feel good and have been having a great week I think. I've been drinking water like crazy, exercising every day and making good food choices. That isnt to say I haven't eaten out, because I have, or that I've made perfect choices, but I have been proud of myself for the things I've accomplished this week. Like eating only half a pizza at a pizza restaurant, even though I could easily have finished off the whole thing. I realised I didn't need more. I had Megan offering me one of her pieces, because she legit only wanted half of hers and split the other 4 pieces between the rest of us. I had dibs and it looked yummy but I'd eaten slowly with a knife and fork and had a LOT of water and guess what? I didn't want that anymore. My stomach was satisfied and I realised it looked like nothing more than 100 calories I'd been eating for nothing but a little bit of pleasure.

I've watched my brother eat actual Dominoes Pizza and craved it but not touched it. I've come home late at night and opened the fridge and cupboard automatically for a snack but realising that was crazy when again, all I was looking for was some pleasure from a sweet taste- my stomach was fine. I drove all my friends through Macca's drive through for ice cream but wasn't even tempted.

I love love love my oats in the morning. I love the milk and honey. I love boiled eggs and toast. I actually prefer multigrain to white bread now. It's just an automatic change. I'm making myself such interesting meals lately.

I went shopping and felt okay with it. Sure, dress shopping was still a trial and I couldn't find anything flattering yet, but I bought size 10 skinny jeans. I don't think I've ever worn skinny jeans before but now I own some. I bought them though they don't fit yet. I wanted them to be too small so I can try them on each week or so until they do fit. My goal of being a size 10 is reasonable and incredibly motivating at the same time. Actually, it's too reasonable because I only bought them yesterday but with an empty tummy, they do up and everything. Sure, I have muffin top and big thighs but they fit. A month from now I'm hoping they fit flatteringly. I bought exericse pants too, because my other ones are getting too loose. I'm wearing size 10's now. Hurrah. I'm not saying I'm a size 10, god no, I'm still a size 12 and occasional 14  but change is happening and slowly but surely, my everything is going to shrink and tone and disappear until I'm fit and cute and look hot.

I'm feeling good and positive and who knows what the scale will say in the morning? Maybe it won't be good. My binge week did happen and I maybe ate over maintenance levels but this week I feel like I should lose some serious weight. I feel good and thinner. So I have my hopes raised dangerously high for a girl that probably shouldn't have them high at all but... oh well.

I'm going for a run right after I weigh in so if it's a good number, I'll be celebrating and be able to go well and if it's a bad number, I'll be disappointed but as long as I can get myself out the door, I can use my anger and unhappiness to run further, so I won't be disappointed next week. And I'll feel better after my run anyway because I always do.

I won't let tomorrow throw me off this weightloss journey. So many positives have come out of it already. A bunch of my friends are doing it with me, or in their own ways. I have a ton of support from everyone around me and on the internet. I've never been prouder of something I'm doing before. The effort I'm putting into running, the restraint I'm showing with my diet and the way I'm not giving up, I'm doing something to be proud of and it's making everyone happy with me.

I'll post tomorrow with the results xx