Okay so keep in mind that I had 6 shots tonight, not enough to get my drunk because I am that hardcore but enough to surprisingly let me feel slightly.... less inhibition.
Tonight was the first of two clubbing nights this week, for my friend Chelsea who is going on exchange in less than a week, for her to see everyone and have a good time. So the two of us were together at the beginning of the night when these two guys came over and started chatting, asking where was good in wollongong to go out and Chelsea mostly talked.
Then later we were dancing and they came back and the first guy started dancing with her, then making out which she was amicable to. The wingman/ friend started looking at me and I was looking back. We started grinding/dancing (there isn't much difference haha) and once I let myself not do what I thought would be 'sexy' and what made my lady parts feel nice, that was good. We started making out to the Spice Girls of all things (~so I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want~) and I gave him my number and got his name- Ian. Chelsea was busy with her guy, but we exchanged 'omg lol' grins once in a while because it was quite funny that we had both picked up, which was a goal of the evening. After awhile the guys left to get drinks and we were like, cool yeah whatever, so they left. Chelsea hadn't managed to get her guy's number to save so that was a bummer and we saw the guy picking up another girl later that night so that was lame. But my guy texted me and we met up again and danced/kissed, and he pulled me away and went to leave.
I stopped him and said 'I can't go home with you, I'm sorry' and he was like 'are you sure, you can stay over' etc but I was like 'no, I can't, we can go dance or you can call me tomorrow but I can't go home with you' and he was like 'yeah okay, it's okay, I'll call you tomorrow' and we danced and kissed and then he said he had to go, 'it was his friends birthday, you understood right?' and that was fine, we were right next to my friends anyway.
So then we left, and I got a lift home with everyone and here I am :)
Work in the morning but I doubt very much I'll be hungover, I didn't have enough for that and I feel fine. I will have another full glass of water before I sleep though. I don't expect the guy to call. I'm not saying he won't, but I have no expectation either way.
It was fun, I've never gone that far with a guy, aside from the hand on my ass, his thigh was quite happy to push between my legs and his hand wandered up my dress before I pushed it back down. Don't get me wrong, he can touch my boobs and ass all he wants, that's great, but my undies are off limit. All areas except actual genitals because I neither want him there nor want to give a wristy on the dance floor.
And I wasn't going to fuck him in an alley, or his house. It's not what I want for my first time. Or second time honestly. Maybe fifth. But I need a few good, intimate/emotional bangs first. Well, I think so. When I consider the fact that I could be getting fucked right now, my brain is like 'Lucy, you fucking dumbass!' but then the rest of me is like 'shut up Id, you are such a child, how would the rest of Lucy feel in the morning? That is, if she wasn't raped and murdered and left in pieces in a dumpster?"
But I have serious needs, it is reaching crisis proportions. When I get a boyfriend that I am really truly into, I am seriously going to fuck him so often, it is going to make his head spin. Because while I am totally self sufficient, I do like the heat and weight of another person against my hips and ass and once I get it for real, it is going to be on.
Friday, 30 August 2013
Monday, 19 August 2013
Exciting things are happening in the life of Lucy
So I am definitely going on Exchange.
That is a thing that is happening.
Yep.
Not sure where yet-- I will find out in a few weeks. Exeter (UK) is my first preference, then Lancaster, then the IESEG School of Management in France. Fingers are crossed for Exeter but Lancaster is pretty awesome as well, and if I went to France I'd get some pretty brilliant experiences out of it.
My interview was today and I've never actually had an interview for something before so I was very nervous. Mum bought me a new high waisted knee length skirt that I wore over a long sleeved purple shirt and tights so I looked less messy than normal.
It ended up being a piece of cake though. I knew what my answers were and I had done the research and I have my finances under control so there wasn't any tricky questions. My grades are great, three D's and a HD is nothing at all to be ashamed of, and if they looked back further, sure there are a few C's but just as many D's. And my ATAR attached is in the 90's so academically I'm doing as well as I've ever done and my record is pretty sweet.
It makes up for my lack of clubs or uni involvement but honestly, I work 3 weekdays, have 13 hours of Uni, I coach, play in 2 netball teams and a basketball team, umpire every week, tutor two high school students and attempt to have a social life and still read NC17 fanfic and tumble all day e'ry day.
Hopefully my application is good enough for Exeter, I don't know how many places they will offer/ how many bitches I need to beat out, but I'm in and in 4 and a half months I will be on the other side of the world and if that isn't exciting, what is?
The nerves won't hit me til I'm in the air and can't back out, but right now I'm just pleased. This is something I facilitated myself. I did all the work, looked into it independently without a push from my best friend who was already doing it, or from Mum prodding me, I just took some initiative when I realised I could be into it and got on with it.
It's something I'm doing for myself and by myself and that is exciting. Not that I won't be happy for company if anyone I know will be over there at the same time, let's be real here, I get anxious raising my hand in a lecture, how am I supposed to fare in an unknown country that I may not speak the language of where I know nobody and nothing? I like to think that under pressure, I will rise to the occasion. Obviously, if I didn't think that, why would I be doing this? I totally believe I can do it though it is not without significant challenges.
I just think I'm at that point in my life. Since Uni started, I feel that I've really stagnated, just out of pure lack of memorable moments. It's not that I haven't accomplished things or had significant change, I just don't feel that I'm living as intensely as I could be.
Every year at Christmas, we go around the table and we all have to talk about ourselves for a minute, our yearly update. Now, there were a few years I dreaded (and I wasn't alone, my brother and cousins hate this too) because we didn't have a job or a boyfriend/ girlfriend etc or we hadn't got our P's but since High School, I have very much blossomed in the eyes of my family. I work and get great marks in my double degree and I coach and drive and pay board and now my latest will be going overseas for 6 months, which none of my cousins have done :) Since I'm doing the degrees of my two closest cousins combined, it's nice to step out in a way. Lizzy said a few months ago that it's like the extended family is kind of getting to know me now, that I have my own interests and am defining myself as more than just quiet and one of the kids. I approve of that.
That is a thing that is happening.
Yep.
Not sure where yet-- I will find out in a few weeks. Exeter (UK) is my first preference, then Lancaster, then the IESEG School of Management in France. Fingers are crossed for Exeter but Lancaster is pretty awesome as well, and if I went to France I'd get some pretty brilliant experiences out of it.
My interview was today and I've never actually had an interview for something before so I was very nervous. Mum bought me a new high waisted knee length skirt that I wore over a long sleeved purple shirt and tights so I looked less messy than normal.
It ended up being a piece of cake though. I knew what my answers were and I had done the research and I have my finances under control so there wasn't any tricky questions. My grades are great, three D's and a HD is nothing at all to be ashamed of, and if they looked back further, sure there are a few C's but just as many D's. And my ATAR attached is in the 90's so academically I'm doing as well as I've ever done and my record is pretty sweet.
It makes up for my lack of clubs or uni involvement but honestly, I work 3 weekdays, have 13 hours of Uni, I coach, play in 2 netball teams and a basketball team, umpire every week, tutor two high school students and attempt to have a social life and still read NC17 fanfic and tumble all day e'ry day.
Hopefully my application is good enough for Exeter, I don't know how many places they will offer/ how many bitches I need to beat out, but I'm in and in 4 and a half months I will be on the other side of the world and if that isn't exciting, what is?
The nerves won't hit me til I'm in the air and can't back out, but right now I'm just pleased. This is something I facilitated myself. I did all the work, looked into it independently without a push from my best friend who was already doing it, or from Mum prodding me, I just took some initiative when I realised I could be into it and got on with it.
It's something I'm doing for myself and by myself and that is exciting. Not that I won't be happy for company if anyone I know will be over there at the same time, let's be real here, I get anxious raising my hand in a lecture, how am I supposed to fare in an unknown country that I may not speak the language of where I know nobody and nothing? I like to think that under pressure, I will rise to the occasion. Obviously, if I didn't think that, why would I be doing this? I totally believe I can do it though it is not without significant challenges.
I just think I'm at that point in my life. Since Uni started, I feel that I've really stagnated, just out of pure lack of memorable moments. It's not that I haven't accomplished things or had significant change, I just don't feel that I'm living as intensely as I could be.
Every year at Christmas, we go around the table and we all have to talk about ourselves for a minute, our yearly update. Now, there were a few years I dreaded (and I wasn't alone, my brother and cousins hate this too) because we didn't have a job or a boyfriend/ girlfriend etc or we hadn't got our P's but since High School, I have very much blossomed in the eyes of my family. I work and get great marks in my double degree and I coach and drive and pay board and now my latest will be going overseas for 6 months, which none of my cousins have done :) Since I'm doing the degrees of my two closest cousins combined, it's nice to step out in a way. Lizzy said a few months ago that it's like the extended family is kind of getting to know me now, that I have my own interests and am defining myself as more than just quiet and one of the kids. I approve of that.
Thursday, 8 August 2013
I'm just so angry.
Beyond that I'm frustrated, upset, sad, guilty, apprehensive...
I just hate it when my day gets ruined by something unexpected, by someone whose opinion I didn't even realise I gave a damn about.
At ski trip, one night while two guys and I stayed up late talking, one said that he thinks I know a lot more than I say, that I'm quiet but I have a lot of secrets and info stored up in my brain. It's true, I do. I have a lot of close girl friends, cousins, I have a well connected best friend who also tells me a lot of the gossip I'm not privy to, and I've been close enough with enough guys in my group to get a pretty good bank of secret shit going.
I have this bad habit though of sharing more than should with my best friends. Example of this is that my bffl and her boyfriend fought for over a week after I found out something from someone about her boyfriend and unthinkingly repeated it to her. I like to think I had good intentions and that honesty is the best policy, but I know I have problems with tact sometimes and I suppose I tend to meddle in relationships that aren't my business.
But this time I'd been good. It's not often I keep my mouth glued shut to my bffl, but this time I did. The only person I said anything to about what I'd been told was his fucking girlfriend, who pretty much knew everything I said anyway! I didn't give her any deep dark secrets, I gave her a brief overview, repeated a few funny quotes (in no way mocking and being mean to anyone, just quirky things), and praised him a bunch for being a cool guy. I didn't try to start arguments, and when I brought up something mildly, mildly inflammatory, I tried to be a mediator between their perspectives on an issue he'd said they'd discussed a bunch before unsuccessfully but didn't seem to me like a major thing, just a little niggle.
For the most part, I just wanted to tell her what we talked about because she hadn't been able to come on the trip and I wanted her to feel like she was never left out, that we talked about her most of the time anyway.
And then it was just little things like
a) When guys that don't often swear start saying 'fuck', it scares me. I hate being on the receiving end of large amounts of anger, it's unnerving.
b) He pretty much called me a slut. After I replied to what he said, he did message back saying he didn't think that, but it was in his vocab talking about what I did with you-know-who so yeah, whatever. It did hurt my feelings. He was right originally, he doesn't have half a clue what you-know-who and I actually did or felt or why so no fucking judgement necessary. And he doesn't deserve a pat on the back for not judging either, you don't get congratulations for being a fucking decent human being.
c) He pretty much called me a coward for having a panic attack when we were skiing, like it was pathetic and stupid and that was such a scathing comment it took me aback. Really, out of everything he said, that's where I really wanted to just tell him fuck you. Skiing is so far out of my comfort zone he can't even imagine. No one, not even in my extended family has ever gone skiing, and I do it every fucking year. I'm not particularly good, I do it in an incredible amount of pain that I don't fucking whine about and it scares me. And so yeah, after falling and hitting my head the previous day, on an afternoon after 3 days of skiing, I get coaxed into trying a blue run that out of any run, is the one I hate the most, that I remembered the name of and said before we even got to the snow that there would be no way I was doing because I remember doing it the last two years and not enjoying it. So yeah, I couldn't breathe and I backed out. And he was nice about it and made me think it was okay, only that doesn't count once he's angry at me, then I'm just a cry baby wuss getting upset about something stupid. Fuck that. I didn't stop him from doing it, he admitted after that it wouldn't have been a good run to do with the snow the way it was and I got to do runs in the mean time that I could enjoy.
He just has such a superiority complex. Yes, he's relatively intelligent, about the same as me probably (he probably thinks higher), he's had a great deal of exposure to outdoor/extreme sports, like skiing, rock climbing etc, and he's handy with anything electrical. Whereas my strengths are swimming, team sports and climbing to an extent because I have no fear when it comes to heights. Everybody has different fucking comfort zones when it comes to different fucking things. When you've never been exposed to something, of course you aren't going to have the same confidence as someone who's been raised with it their entire life. it doesn't make you weak or a wuss or a bad person to admit to being afraid or to have boundaries or limits or to get upset when you feel overwhelmed around people who are supposed to be your friends.
Overall, this just makes me feel sad because I've ruined my chances of being close friends with this person now and I suppose it won't really matter because it's not like we were good friends before but I'd had higher hopes. And it's just going to strain my friendship with his girlfriend. Honestly, right now I don't want to talk to her, not because I'm mad at her but just because I'll feel lousy.
And so earlier I was crying (because yes, fuck you, I cry when things happen because I get crazy stress adrenaline rushes that make my hands shake and teeth chatter and tears happen, and they aren't weak. Never crying doesn't make you a better or worse person) and I grabbed my phone and in an unusual move for me, I wanted to actually talk to someone on the phone. And I couldn't call my best friend because if I told her what he'd just said to me, he'd think it was the same fucking thing that he was mad about in the first place, like I don't even have a right to her.
It's not the first time he's made me feel like that.
So I called my bffl and she talked while I tried to calm down and then I had basketball and now here I am. Dissecting is the only thing that makes me feel better because I really need to unravel the damn stress ball that lodges itself in my chest whenever someone thinks I'm a bad person. In the end, I'm a people pleaser and it's very difficult for me to chill out when someone whose good opinion I apparently desire thinks I'm shit.
And it's sad because obviously we're still gonna see each other and I'm so sick of having awkward guy friends and I don't not want to be friends. I don't know what's going to happen, because this guy, if he's made up his mind, it could well be for forever.
Certainly I've lost his trust, which was never my intent and as I said to him, if I screwed up, it was unintentional and I never meant to play loose with his secrets. I can't do anything about it now. I guess I'll decide if I still want to see his girlfriend tomorrow night. I love her loads and everything, but right now she just feels like his and certainly I don't want to talk about it with her and misplaced or not, my feelings towards her right now are mostly negative.
Beyond that I'm frustrated, upset, sad, guilty, apprehensive...
I just hate it when my day gets ruined by something unexpected, by someone whose opinion I didn't even realise I gave a damn about.
At ski trip, one night while two guys and I stayed up late talking, one said that he thinks I know a lot more than I say, that I'm quiet but I have a lot of secrets and info stored up in my brain. It's true, I do. I have a lot of close girl friends, cousins, I have a well connected best friend who also tells me a lot of the gossip I'm not privy to, and I've been close enough with enough guys in my group to get a pretty good bank of secret shit going.
I have this bad habit though of sharing more than should with my best friends. Example of this is that my bffl and her boyfriend fought for over a week after I found out something from someone about her boyfriend and unthinkingly repeated it to her. I like to think I had good intentions and that honesty is the best policy, but I know I have problems with tact sometimes and I suppose I tend to meddle in relationships that aren't my business.
But this time I'd been good. It's not often I keep my mouth glued shut to my bffl, but this time I did. The only person I said anything to about what I'd been told was his fucking girlfriend, who pretty much knew everything I said anyway! I didn't give her any deep dark secrets, I gave her a brief overview, repeated a few funny quotes (in no way mocking and being mean to anyone, just quirky things), and praised him a bunch for being a cool guy. I didn't try to start arguments, and when I brought up something mildly, mildly inflammatory, I tried to be a mediator between their perspectives on an issue he'd said they'd discussed a bunch before unsuccessfully but didn't seem to me like a major thing, just a little niggle.
For the most part, I just wanted to tell her what we talked about because she hadn't been able to come on the trip and I wanted her to feel like she was never left out, that we talked about her most of the time anyway.
And then it was just little things like
a) When guys that don't often swear start saying 'fuck', it scares me. I hate being on the receiving end of large amounts of anger, it's unnerving.
b) He pretty much called me a slut. After I replied to what he said, he did message back saying he didn't think that, but it was in his vocab talking about what I did with you-know-who so yeah, whatever. It did hurt my feelings. He was right originally, he doesn't have half a clue what you-know-who and I actually did or felt or why so no fucking judgement necessary. And he doesn't deserve a pat on the back for not judging either, you don't get congratulations for being a fucking decent human being.
c) He pretty much called me a coward for having a panic attack when we were skiing, like it was pathetic and stupid and that was such a scathing comment it took me aback. Really, out of everything he said, that's where I really wanted to just tell him fuck you. Skiing is so far out of my comfort zone he can't even imagine. No one, not even in my extended family has ever gone skiing, and I do it every fucking year. I'm not particularly good, I do it in an incredible amount of pain that I don't fucking whine about and it scares me. And so yeah, after falling and hitting my head the previous day, on an afternoon after 3 days of skiing, I get coaxed into trying a blue run that out of any run, is the one I hate the most, that I remembered the name of and said before we even got to the snow that there would be no way I was doing because I remember doing it the last two years and not enjoying it. So yeah, I couldn't breathe and I backed out. And he was nice about it and made me think it was okay, only that doesn't count once he's angry at me, then I'm just a cry baby wuss getting upset about something stupid. Fuck that. I didn't stop him from doing it, he admitted after that it wouldn't have been a good run to do with the snow the way it was and I got to do runs in the mean time that I could enjoy.
He just has such a superiority complex. Yes, he's relatively intelligent, about the same as me probably (he probably thinks higher), he's had a great deal of exposure to outdoor/extreme sports, like skiing, rock climbing etc, and he's handy with anything electrical. Whereas my strengths are swimming, team sports and climbing to an extent because I have no fear when it comes to heights. Everybody has different fucking comfort zones when it comes to different fucking things. When you've never been exposed to something, of course you aren't going to have the same confidence as someone who's been raised with it their entire life. it doesn't make you weak or a wuss or a bad person to admit to being afraid or to have boundaries or limits or to get upset when you feel overwhelmed around people who are supposed to be your friends.
Overall, this just makes me feel sad because I've ruined my chances of being close friends with this person now and I suppose it won't really matter because it's not like we were good friends before but I'd had higher hopes. And it's just going to strain my friendship with his girlfriend. Honestly, right now I don't want to talk to her, not because I'm mad at her but just because I'll feel lousy.
And so earlier I was crying (because yes, fuck you, I cry when things happen because I get crazy stress adrenaline rushes that make my hands shake and teeth chatter and tears happen, and they aren't weak. Never crying doesn't make you a better or worse person) and I grabbed my phone and in an unusual move for me, I wanted to actually talk to someone on the phone. And I couldn't call my best friend because if I told her what he'd just said to me, he'd think it was the same fucking thing that he was mad about in the first place, like I don't even have a right to her.
It's not the first time he's made me feel like that.
So I called my bffl and she talked while I tried to calm down and then I had basketball and now here I am. Dissecting is the only thing that makes me feel better because I really need to unravel the damn stress ball that lodges itself in my chest whenever someone thinks I'm a bad person. In the end, I'm a people pleaser and it's very difficult for me to chill out when someone whose good opinion I apparently desire thinks I'm shit.
And it's sad because obviously we're still gonna see each other and I'm so sick of having awkward guy friends and I don't not want to be friends. I don't know what's going to happen, because this guy, if he's made up his mind, it could well be for forever.
Certainly I've lost his trust, which was never my intent and as I said to him, if I screwed up, it was unintentional and I never meant to play loose with his secrets. I can't do anything about it now. I guess I'll decide if I still want to see his girlfriend tomorrow night. I love her loads and everything, but right now she just feels like his and certainly I don't want to talk about it with her and misplaced or not, my feelings towards her right now are mostly negative.
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
10 Assorted Thoughts
1. Lost netball tonight. Played GA so probably at least somewhat my fault. I shot really great but didn't perform that well when breaking/running fast enough.
2. Saw Sarah and the bub. Such a beautiful baby, I just want to kiss him all over his face all the time. Brings out so many cuddly, maternal instincts.
3. Uni back today! Took copious notes for the bffl, nearly killed myself in Econ lecture since it was like remedial Year 7 maths. For two hours. My laptop died. I used all my Candy Crush lives. I was starving. I actually started to wonder if I was finally experiencing the mythical female 'cramps' experience, but no, I really was just fricken hungry. (disappointment).
4. Realised I talk to other people a lot in my head. I hold way to many conversations to be normal. Half of my consciousness exists in the thought patterns of conversations between me and close friends as I provide to them the running commentary that I would like to if they were actually there. Like 'oh, I just saw so and so, you haven't seen them in ages have you, I bet you would totally say this if I told you that-- why do I even remember that, well I don't know, I keep good tabs on people I know, sue me it's not weird, you know, I've been thinking--'
5. Contrary to what I expected (and this isn't a new observation, but one I've been meaning to make, it that I know porn is supposed to objectify women and hold people to unrealistic standards or whatnot, but I actually find porn does the opposite. It's the opposite to dramatic movie sex scenes, which are beautiful and can't be lived up to. Everyone can fuck, and all the girls look kind of ugly and have stomach rolls and everything jiggles and looks hella awkward. Like, that is the opposite of making me insecure. Everybody looks sweaty, gross and undignified, which I really did not expect. I mean, I had zero idea of what it was going to look like (which is why I eventually bit the bullet and looked) and tbh nothing looked how I'd imagined but I found it made me less concerned, not more.
6. So I get to netball and Sarah's boyfriend is like 'so I heard you had a panic attack on the slopes which sure, is true, I did...twice. But it was a little unexpected that he and Sarah both new about it. Darn facebook and gossipy friends. Because it wasn't like that. I did freak, but it wasn't actual fear, I wasn't that scared (well, maybe the second one) but the first wasn't fear at all, it was just a weird reaction to shock and a sudden thunk as I hit a tree. The one the next day wouldn't have happened without the first already taken place ad kind of putting me in a mindset where I expected it. Whatever.
7. So the bffl gets back very soon. I think she is on the 30 hour trip back home now but I won't see her for 2 days due to her sleeping the day she gets back while I'm at uni/work. I'll be happy for her to be back obviously, but I didn't really miss her or anything. We still left messages etc and I was so busy it hardly occurred to me to miss her. It will be nice to see her :) And have her back in the country. There is something disconcerting knowing someone you love is a million miles away on the other side of the world.
8. My other best friend is back from her weekend away as well. I'm hoping she has some news for me, I'm waiting very patiently but I've been quite excited all week. We do dinner on Tuesday nights, I think that is our thing, so I will see her tomorrow for cheap Chinese food or some other type of cheap Tuesday night meal and we will talk. Both of us will have a lot to see I think since it's been over a week an a half and two holidays in between.
9. My sleeping state is fucked. I went to bed at 6pm and woke at 3am. It's now midnight so that is 21 hours awake thus far and I'm bushed. Will sleep once I think of a 10th thing to write about.
10. I was running late to netball (of course), got down to the garage, realised I'd left the car with 2km to empty in the tank and since I was so late, had no time to go to the servo so just had to wing it. Thankfully I made it and have now filled up. I really don't know why I leave it so close, yolo and all that. I'm a thrill seeker. Also, both me and my girls won netball on Saturday and my girls won 5/8 games on Sunday at the Gala day. Hurrah!
2. Saw Sarah and the bub. Such a beautiful baby, I just want to kiss him all over his face all the time. Brings out so many cuddly, maternal instincts.
3. Uni back today! Took copious notes for the bffl, nearly killed myself in Econ lecture since it was like remedial Year 7 maths. For two hours. My laptop died. I used all my Candy Crush lives. I was starving. I actually started to wonder if I was finally experiencing the mythical female 'cramps' experience, but no, I really was just fricken hungry. (disappointment).
4. Realised I talk to other people a lot in my head. I hold way to many conversations to be normal. Half of my consciousness exists in the thought patterns of conversations between me and close friends as I provide to them the running commentary that I would like to if they were actually there. Like 'oh, I just saw so and so, you haven't seen them in ages have you, I bet you would totally say this if I told you that-- why do I even remember that, well I don't know, I keep good tabs on people I know, sue me it's not weird, you know, I've been thinking--'
5. Contrary to what I expected (and this isn't a new observation, but one I've been meaning to make, it that I know porn is supposed to objectify women and hold people to unrealistic standards or whatnot, but I actually find porn does the opposite. It's the opposite to dramatic movie sex scenes, which are beautiful and can't be lived up to. Everyone can fuck, and all the girls look kind of ugly and have stomach rolls and everything jiggles and looks hella awkward. Like, that is the opposite of making me insecure. Everybody looks sweaty, gross and undignified, which I really did not expect. I mean, I had zero idea of what it was going to look like (which is why I eventually bit the bullet and looked) and tbh nothing looked how I'd imagined but I found it made me less concerned, not more.
6. So I get to netball and Sarah's boyfriend is like 'so I heard you had a panic attack on the slopes which sure, is true, I did...twice. But it was a little unexpected that he and Sarah both new about it. Darn facebook and gossipy friends. Because it wasn't like that. I did freak, but it wasn't actual fear, I wasn't that scared (well, maybe the second one) but the first wasn't fear at all, it was just a weird reaction to shock and a sudden thunk as I hit a tree. The one the next day wouldn't have happened without the first already taken place ad kind of putting me in a mindset where I expected it. Whatever.
7. So the bffl gets back very soon. I think she is on the 30 hour trip back home now but I won't see her for 2 days due to her sleeping the day she gets back while I'm at uni/work. I'll be happy for her to be back obviously, but I didn't really miss her or anything. We still left messages etc and I was so busy it hardly occurred to me to miss her. It will be nice to see her :) And have her back in the country. There is something disconcerting knowing someone you love is a million miles away on the other side of the world.
8. My other best friend is back from her weekend away as well. I'm hoping she has some news for me, I'm waiting very patiently but I've been quite excited all week. We do dinner on Tuesday nights, I think that is our thing, so I will see her tomorrow for cheap Chinese food or some other type of cheap Tuesday night meal and we will talk. Both of us will have a lot to see I think since it's been over a week an a half and two holidays in between.
9. My sleeping state is fucked. I went to bed at 6pm and woke at 3am. It's now midnight so that is 21 hours awake thus far and I'm bushed. Will sleep once I think of a 10th thing to write about.
10. I was running late to netball (of course), got down to the garage, realised I'd left the car with 2km to empty in the tank and since I was so late, had no time to go to the servo so just had to wing it. Thankfully I made it and have now filled up. I really don't know why I leave it so close, yolo and all that. I'm a thrill seeker. Also, both me and my girls won netball on Saturday and my girls won 5/8 games on Sunday at the Gala day. Hurrah!
Monday, 29 July 2013
Gender and Preferences
“While a gay man might casually mention his husband, or a lesbian might out herself by talking about her girlfriend, bisexuals are often wrongly assumed to be straight or gay depending on who they are with. Spelling out that they are bisexual can be misconstrued as rejecting a current partner or declaring themselves up for anything.I didn't used to really believe this but then I had this conversation with someone who really surprised me. I just saw this quote which reminded me of that, so I looked up the messages on facebook from back when I mentioned to him I was bi.
Faith Cheltenham, president of the national bisexual organization BiNet USA, was often presumed to be lesbian when she dated women. When she met the man who would become her husband, she worried people would assume she was straight, invalidating the work she did to come out.
But when she tries to correct that assumption, some mistake it as a sexual invitation. They say, “Why would you tell me you’re bi when your husband is right there?" Cheltenham said.”
Him: I'd mention that once you have a bf. Time it badly and it will go bad, time it right and who knows
Me: I don't think it's a big deal
Him: Some people, especially guys do
Me: Why
Him: It can be a good thing or a bad thing, there's that mass fantasy amongst males
Me: Which is exactly the wrong reason to tell someone because it's not about that at all
Him: But the more logical of us realise that can mean that the girl prefers girls and then that causes issues
Me: Only if they're insecure
Him: Even if they aren't
Me: Being bi doesn't mean you like any more people than being straight does or that being in a relationship means anything different
Him: Depends, do u like the idea of a threeway
Me: All being bi means is that i don't see gender as all powerful in terms of who I can like
Him: If u don't then be careful when/if u tell the bloke
Me: No, that's stupid
Him: Or it will at least become important
Me: No it wont
Him: Ok luce
Me: All being bi means is that I could date a girl or a guy and be happy. Not that it changes anything inside a relationship once I'm in it
Him: It will affect it
Me: If I'm with a guy, I'm with a guy and I don't need a girl, so why would it affect it
Him: just don't argue, i know males
Me: Then explain it to me. What part of it makes men uncomfortable?
Him: It doesn't make them uncomfortable. The idea will be in his head that u cld allow another girl into the bedroom
Me: Then just explain the idea that no, that isn't what it means
Him: This makes them uncomfortable because they don't want to press the issue but all their buddies will be saying to go for it
Me: Then they should get some buddies that aren't dickheads, honestly
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Ski trip musings.
Back from the snow! I went skiing with a bunch of friends for 4 nights down in Jindabyne which was lots of fun. Skiing isn't my favourite thing, because it's scary and painful but it's also fun (mostly) and I love being with friends and doing something active, as well as being on holidays and creating new bonds between myself and people I'm not particularly close to.
I travelled the 5 and a half hour trip there and back with my friend, a boyfriend of one of my best friends. The other four all travelled together without us, so we were by ourselves and it was a really good time. I had wondered what we would talk about to pass the time, but I figured out that it's pretty easy to keep a comfortable conversation going, just about things happening at the time.
Since we were comfortable whenever we lapsed into silence, it was very easy just to talk about the music we were listening to (his first, then mine), driving instructions, plans for the trip ahead, and of course, his girlfriend and my best friend (as they are the same person). It was nice to just chill out, sing along to music (it is so fucking endearing when some boys sing along quietly to the music they like), and joke around with this person who is not a regular conversationalist of mine, though we've known each other since Year 7.
The trip back though, that was where our conversations actually got really deep and intense, which was great. Unexpected but I am up for a DnM, any time, especially with someone of the opposite sex who I don't think I know the inner workings of very well. He is much better at reading me than I am at deciphering him, though I like the think I gave it a good go, made easier by him being amused and open to my probing. He's very different to most people I know, and I don't think I fully appreciated it before? I got beyond the surface and I think I appreciate his personality a lot more because I understand much more of his inner workings. I also think that this weekend was him kind of showing his best side. I am not saying I think it was intentional or because of me, but the situation of the trip was a good environment for him and I was in a state that let him show it off.
I suppose I should talk about the actual trip now, as opposed to just my best friends boyfriend haha. But like, really, skiing is skiing, mates are mates, but real friends, that's the important stuff.
Basically the highlights (or lowlights I suppose) is that I kind of had a panic attack on the slopes? I mean, I just got a D in Abnormal Psychology and I could list a bunch of DSM IV criteria for a panic attack, though I don't remember how many are needed for a diagnosis. But I was stressed to the max, I stacked hard, face first into a tree in a ditch, and I just lay there stunned for a moment, then started to sob and hyperventilate.
The same kind of thing has happened before, when I've had a sudden pain/shock from an unexpected fall. Once when I was running, I was waiting for a light to change, jogging on the spot when I fell and sprained my ankle, and I just lost it. Not so much the hyperventilation but the very raw crying, just in this crazy mood when nothing is comforting, it's just sob and sob and it just runs amok. I remember limping home crying, then leaning my forehead against the inside of the front door and just falling apart.
That is basically what happened. I lay there not responding as a friend asked if I was alright, only moving when two guys I didn't know came over to pull me up and out of the ditch. Minutes later we finally reached the chairlift, it was a double and we were three people so I was by myself, so I basically just continued to cry and barely be able to catch my breath. I just wanted to find the others, to make it back, and after the chairlift, I got my skis off, spotted the boys, eventually caught up to them, and when my friend saw me, he basically was just like 'are you alright?' and I was like 'yeah...no.... I don't... yeah.' And I'm still crying like mad so when he asked how the run was, I was just like gasping 'bad'. So he hugged me and did the 'rub thumb comfortingly on shoulder' which I have always appreciated, not so much because it does anything for me, but I enjoy the intent behind it.
I'm just highlighting here, this guy is just a good friend, I'm dedicating this entry to him as a friend, 100% that is all, he has always been my proof that I can have guy friends with no romantic and/or sexual undertones what so ever. Appreciating physical contact like hugs, isn't about attraction, not at all, it's the fact that he doesn't do it often and it isn't something he engages in lightly so it meant a lot for him to do so. And honestly, I automatically drift towards people I see as towers of strength and he was that for me a lot of the trip, as my closest friend there and the most skilled and knowledgable about the snow and skiing, so it was natural for me to head for him when I was upset. He picked up that role pretty well, I think it is his nature to be protective, which I didn't really see before, but I'm not usually so out of my element as when skiing so I suppose that's why I noticed it more when I was playing damsel in distress, what with the worrying and terror that skiing causes me.
Other than that though, the trip was a great success, next year hopefully we'll end up in New Zealand, as it isn't really much more money, since lift tickets in Australia are incredibly expensive. Skiing is a good life skill to know, it's a great way to be social with a group that I'm social with but not overly close to, and it is fun. Just want to sleep now though, so buggered from the whole thing. Late nights, early starts and hardcore exercise for 4 days straight is not for the faint of heart (though apparently it is when said individual has work the following 3 days, basketball on two, and then 2 days of straight netball before uni starts back).
I travelled the 5 and a half hour trip there and back with my friend, a boyfriend of one of my best friends. The other four all travelled together without us, so we were by ourselves and it was a really good time. I had wondered what we would talk about to pass the time, but I figured out that it's pretty easy to keep a comfortable conversation going, just about things happening at the time.
Since we were comfortable whenever we lapsed into silence, it was very easy just to talk about the music we were listening to (his first, then mine), driving instructions, plans for the trip ahead, and of course, his girlfriend and my best friend (as they are the same person). It was nice to just chill out, sing along to music (it is so fucking endearing when some boys sing along quietly to the music they like), and joke around with this person who is not a regular conversationalist of mine, though we've known each other since Year 7.
The trip back though, that was where our conversations actually got really deep and intense, which was great. Unexpected but I am up for a DnM, any time, especially with someone of the opposite sex who I don't think I know the inner workings of very well. He is much better at reading me than I am at deciphering him, though I like the think I gave it a good go, made easier by him being amused and open to my probing. He's very different to most people I know, and I don't think I fully appreciated it before? I got beyond the surface and I think I appreciate his personality a lot more because I understand much more of his inner workings. I also think that this weekend was him kind of showing his best side. I am not saying I think it was intentional or because of me, but the situation of the trip was a good environment for him and I was in a state that let him show it off.
I suppose I should talk about the actual trip now, as opposed to just my best friends boyfriend haha. But like, really, skiing is skiing, mates are mates, but real friends, that's the important stuff.
Basically the highlights (or lowlights I suppose) is that I kind of had a panic attack on the slopes? I mean, I just got a D in Abnormal Psychology and I could list a bunch of DSM IV criteria for a panic attack, though I don't remember how many are needed for a diagnosis. But I was stressed to the max, I stacked hard, face first into a tree in a ditch, and I just lay there stunned for a moment, then started to sob and hyperventilate.
The same kind of thing has happened before, when I've had a sudden pain/shock from an unexpected fall. Once when I was running, I was waiting for a light to change, jogging on the spot when I fell and sprained my ankle, and I just lost it. Not so much the hyperventilation but the very raw crying, just in this crazy mood when nothing is comforting, it's just sob and sob and it just runs amok. I remember limping home crying, then leaning my forehead against the inside of the front door and just falling apart.
That is basically what happened. I lay there not responding as a friend asked if I was alright, only moving when two guys I didn't know came over to pull me up and out of the ditch. Minutes later we finally reached the chairlift, it was a double and we were three people so I was by myself, so I basically just continued to cry and barely be able to catch my breath. I just wanted to find the others, to make it back, and after the chairlift, I got my skis off, spotted the boys, eventually caught up to them, and when my friend saw me, he basically was just like 'are you alright?' and I was like 'yeah...no.... I don't... yeah.' And I'm still crying like mad so when he asked how the run was, I was just like gasping 'bad'. So he hugged me and did the 'rub thumb comfortingly on shoulder' which I have always appreciated, not so much because it does anything for me, but I enjoy the intent behind it.
I'm just highlighting here, this guy is just a good friend, I'm dedicating this entry to him as a friend, 100% that is all, he has always been my proof that I can have guy friends with no romantic and/or sexual undertones what so ever. Appreciating physical contact like hugs, isn't about attraction, not at all, it's the fact that he doesn't do it often and it isn't something he engages in lightly so it meant a lot for him to do so. And honestly, I automatically drift towards people I see as towers of strength and he was that for me a lot of the trip, as my closest friend there and the most skilled and knowledgable about the snow and skiing, so it was natural for me to head for him when I was upset. He picked up that role pretty well, I think it is his nature to be protective, which I didn't really see before, but I'm not usually so out of my element as when skiing so I suppose that's why I noticed it more when I was playing damsel in distress, what with the worrying and terror that skiing causes me.
Other than that though, the trip was a great success, next year hopefully we'll end up in New Zealand, as it isn't really much more money, since lift tickets in Australia are incredibly expensive. Skiing is a good life skill to know, it's a great way to be social with a group that I'm social with but not overly close to, and it is fun. Just want to sleep now though, so buggered from the whole thing. Late nights, early starts and hardcore exercise for 4 days straight is not for the faint of heart (though apparently it is when said individual has work the following 3 days, basketball on two, and then 2 days of straight netball before uni starts back).
Friday, 19 July 2013
Skiiiiiiing
So I'm going skiing tomorrow :)
I think it'll all be really good, good people, fun skiing, nice place. We'll play a lot of Canasta, I get to bro out with Hugh for 5 days, I don't have to worry about hooking up with anyone (all the guys are ex boyfriends of my besties or current bfs) and the girls are either not my type or straight so it's just platonic and fun, just maybe teasing.
I'm worried about stuff... like social stuff, and you know, dying on the slopes, but it's just nerves I think. Things always go wrong, but they sort themselves out too. If Hugh and I don't talk the whole 5 hour drive, if I'm embarrassingly bad at skiing compared to the others, if I don't have the right equipment, if I fart while surrounded by group, like, I mean, ok that last one was a joke, but I'm going to be there without a close friend. If I cry, I don't have anyone to cry to, and that's a big deal for me, because I get emotional, especially on long trips, and talking to best friends is how I diffuse.
Emotional validation is like a huge thing for me, I really get a lot out of sharing my issues and knowing they're being recieved by someone. Like this blog. Naming the things I feel and explaining them to an audience is a lot more helpful to me then when it's a private/draft entry that no one sees. which does little for me.
I'm just afraid. I know how scary skiing can be, I know how awkward I can feel in a group, how indimidated, how I go along with group decisions even if they freak me the fuck out.
When I was 6 or 7, I was at my next door neighbours birthday and everyone was taking turns riding a skateboard down the road (we lived in a quiet cul-de-sac) and I knew I couldn't do it, I didn't know how to skateboard, but I couldn't find a way to say it, so I tried and I fell and hurt myself.
That's the fear I have of skiing, because in some ways, getting left behind is worse but that's theoretical and being sprawled halfway down a slope, struggling to get back in my skis and knowing at least 3 or 4 more crashes and even more internal explosions of panic as I struggle to keep in control are inevitable before I made it to the bottom, that's real. And sucks a bit.
I don't know. It's one of those things that sucks but you feel afterwards WOOO LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
So here we go...
I think it'll all be really good, good people, fun skiing, nice place. We'll play a lot of Canasta, I get to bro out with Hugh for 5 days, I don't have to worry about hooking up with anyone (all the guys are ex boyfriends of my besties or current bfs) and the girls are either not my type or straight so it's just platonic and fun, just maybe teasing.
I'm worried about stuff... like social stuff, and you know, dying on the slopes, but it's just nerves I think. Things always go wrong, but they sort themselves out too. If Hugh and I don't talk the whole 5 hour drive, if I'm embarrassingly bad at skiing compared to the others, if I don't have the right equipment, if I fart while surrounded by group, like, I mean, ok that last one was a joke, but I'm going to be there without a close friend. If I cry, I don't have anyone to cry to, and that's a big deal for me, because I get emotional, especially on long trips, and talking to best friends is how I diffuse.
Emotional validation is like a huge thing for me, I really get a lot out of sharing my issues and knowing they're being recieved by someone. Like this blog. Naming the things I feel and explaining them to an audience is a lot more helpful to me then when it's a private/draft entry that no one sees. which does little for me.
I'm just afraid. I know how scary skiing can be, I know how awkward I can feel in a group, how indimidated, how I go along with group decisions even if they freak me the fuck out.
When I was 6 or 7, I was at my next door neighbours birthday and everyone was taking turns riding a skateboard down the road (we lived in a quiet cul-de-sac) and I knew I couldn't do it, I didn't know how to skateboard, but I couldn't find a way to say it, so I tried and I fell and hurt myself.
That's the fear I have of skiing, because in some ways, getting left behind is worse but that's theoretical and being sprawled halfway down a slope, struggling to get back in my skis and knowing at least 3 or 4 more crashes and even more internal explosions of panic as I struggle to keep in control are inevitable before I made it to the bottom, that's real. And sucks a bit.
I don't know. It's one of those things that sucks but you feel afterwards WOOO LET'S DO IT AGAIN.
So here we go...
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