I'm just so angry.

Beyond that I'm frustrated, upset, sad, guilty, apprehensive...

I just hate it when my day gets ruined by something unexpected, by someone whose opinion I didn't even realise I gave a damn about.

At ski trip, one night while two guys and I stayed up late talking, one said that he thinks I know a lot more than I say, that I'm quiet but I have a lot of secrets and info stored up in my brain. It's true, I do. I have a lot of close girl friends, cousins, I have a well connected best friend who also tells me a lot of the gossip I'm not privy to, and I've been close enough with enough guys in my group to get a pretty good bank of secret shit going.

I have this bad habit though of sharing more than should with my best friends. Example of this is that my bffl and her boyfriend fought for over a week after I found out something from someone about her boyfriend and unthinkingly repeated it to her. I like to think I had good intentions and that honesty is the best policy, but I know I have problems with tact sometimes and I suppose I tend to meddle in relationships that aren't my business.

But this time I'd been good. It's not often I keep my mouth glued shut to my bffl, but this time I did. The only person I said anything to about what I'd been told was his fucking girlfriend, who pretty much knew everything I said anyway! I didn't give her any deep dark secrets, I gave her a brief overview, repeated a few funny quotes (in no way mocking and being mean to anyone, just quirky things), and praised him a bunch for being a cool guy. I didn't try to start arguments, and when I brought up something mildly, mildly inflammatory, I tried to be a mediator between their perspectives on an issue he'd said they'd discussed a bunch before unsuccessfully but didn't seem to me like a major thing, just a little niggle.

For the most part, I just wanted to tell her what we talked about because she hadn't been able to come on the trip and I wanted her to feel like she was never left out, that we talked about her most of the time anyway.

And then it was just little things like

a) When guys that don't often swear start saying 'fuck', it scares me. I hate being on the receiving end of large amounts of anger, it's unnerving.

b) He pretty much called me a slut. After I replied to what he said, he did message back saying he didn't think that, but it was in his vocab talking about what I did with you-know-who so yeah, whatever. It did hurt my feelings. He was right originally, he doesn't have half a clue what you-know-who and I actually did or felt or why so no fucking judgement necessary. And he doesn't deserve a pat on the back for not judging either, you don't get congratulations for being a fucking decent human being.

c) He pretty much called me a coward for having a panic attack when we were skiing, like it was pathetic and stupid and that was such a scathing comment it took me aback. Really, out of everything he said, that's where I really wanted to just tell him fuck you. Skiing is so far out of my comfort zone he can't even imagine. No one, not even in my extended family has ever gone skiing, and I do it every fucking year. I'm not particularly good, I do it in an incredible amount of pain that I don't fucking whine about and it scares me. And so yeah, after falling and hitting my head the previous day, on an afternoon after 3 days of skiing, I get coaxed into trying a blue run that out of any run, is the one I hate the most, that I remembered the name of and said before we even got to the snow that there would be no way I was doing because I remember doing it the last two years and not enjoying it. So yeah, I couldn't breathe and I backed out. And he was nice about it and made me think it was okay, only that doesn't count once he's angry at me, then I'm just a cry baby wuss getting upset about something stupid. Fuck that. I didn't stop him from doing it, he admitted after that it wouldn't have been a good run to do with the snow the way it was and I got to do runs in the mean time that I could enjoy.

He just has such a superiority complex. Yes, he's relatively intelligent, about the same as me probably (he probably thinks higher), he's had a great deal of exposure to outdoor/extreme sports, like skiing, rock climbing etc, and he's handy with anything electrical. Whereas my strengths are swimming, team sports and climbing to an extent because I have no fear when it comes to heights. Everybody has different fucking comfort zones when it comes to different fucking things. When you've never been exposed to something, of course you aren't going to have the same confidence as someone who's been raised with it their entire life. it doesn't make you weak or a wuss or a bad person to admit to being afraid or to have boundaries or limits or to get upset when you feel overwhelmed around people who are supposed to be your friends.

Overall, this just makes me feel sad because I've ruined my chances of being close friends with this person now and I suppose it won't really matter because it's not like we were good friends before but I'd had higher hopes. And it's just going to strain my friendship with his girlfriend. Honestly, right now I don't want to talk to her, not because I'm mad at her but just because I'll feel lousy.

And so earlier I was crying (because yes, fuck you, I cry when things happen because I get crazy stress adrenaline rushes that make my hands shake and teeth chatter and tears happen, and they aren't weak. Never crying doesn't make you a better or worse person) and I grabbed my phone and in an unusual move for me, I wanted to actually talk to someone on the phone. And I couldn't call my best friend because if I told her what he'd just said to me, he'd think it was the same fucking thing that he was mad about in the first place, like I don't even have a right to her.

It's not the first time he's made me feel like that.

So I called my bffl and she talked while I tried to calm down and then I had basketball and now here I am. Dissecting is the only thing that makes me feel better because I really need to unravel the damn stress ball that lodges itself in my chest whenever someone thinks I'm a bad person. In the end, I'm a people pleaser and it's very difficult for me to chill out when someone whose good opinion I apparently desire thinks I'm shit.

And it's sad because obviously we're still gonna see each other and I'm so sick of having awkward guy friends and I don't not want to be friends. I don't know what's going to happen, because this guy, if he's made up his mind, it could well be for forever.

Certainly I've lost his trust, which was never my intent and as I said to him, if I screwed up, it was unintentional and I never meant to play loose with his secrets. I can't do anything about it now. I guess I'll decide if I still want to see his girlfriend tomorrow night. I love her loads and everything, but right now she just feels like his and certainly I don't want to talk about it with her and misplaced or not, my feelings towards her right now are mostly negative.