I think I sometimes underestimate how sad I am sometimes. I think it's easy to forget and a lot of the time I just tell myself one thing over and over even if it's not the truth and just try to make it my truth. Like that I'm not devastated about Lizzy. It's still like a black hole. There is no amount of light or positive feelings or hope or friendship or love that I can throw into it and make it feel okay. I don't remember what it sounded like when she laughed, like full bellied laughed. I can remember her voice and certain phrases but not that. I don't remember her singing voice. I don't remember her smell. I don't know what she would say about me today. I don't know how she would feel about the relative frequency or infrequency of her name in conversations or my rote responses, I don't know how she would feel about me using the phrase best friend to describe her. I don't know if she'd say hell yes man, you should totally sleep with this guy or if she'd warn me right off. I don't know how I'm going to hear the word cancer ever again or see a movie about death or anyone being dead without thinking of her. I don't know how I'm going to go to the beach, especially to Mollymook and not feel devastated and like I'm missing a limb. I don't know how to do that but I also don't know how to ever make her less relevant to the point that I won't consider her when decision making or when I want to tell someone something because the idea of her being irrelevant is so repulsive but it's already happened in so many respects and I'm sick of hearing Liz would love this or Liz would be so proud of you or it's exactly what she would have wanted because no one wanted this, especially Lizzy. To die and be remembered and the tragic cancer girl who left behind grief and sadness and cliches would have been her last choice.

I think of her when I wash my hair, when I listen to music, when I watch movies, when I do anything new, when I get dressed or get new clothes, when I look in the mirror, when I eat frozen meals, when I think of Hilary Duff or the Temper Trap or the Killers or Fall Out Boy or Nikki Webster or when I walk on a beach or get coffee in a cafe at breakfast time. When I hear the name Camden, or see a train or shipping truck. When I do RPM or boxing, when I think about debating, let alone actually debate or go to Tournaments. I think of her when I wait to put on makeup after getting out of the shower so my pores have time to close. When I braid my hair. When I put change back into my wallet, when I feel the sun on my skin, I think of her. I think of her when I dream about the future, when I think about my wedding, or having kids or going to Africa or climbing a mountain or sky diving because I'm changing and growing and doing all of these things that she might have never imagined me doing and six months from now I'll be older than her and ever day past that I'll have been luckier than her and that's because I'll have had the chance to keep on living and growing. In 2013 I never would have considered debating and I never would have had anyone else imagine it for me either. Now it is a huge part of my identity. I expect to have many such things come into my life over time. Each making me a more diverse, interesting person but each also making me more and more indistinguishable from the girl I was. Am.

And more than ever I mourn the person that knew me, that knew us. Our relationship, our shared memories, our... Everything, I don't know the word to describe that. Our chemistry that made us go from being cousins by blood to cousins through friendship and love and companionship. Lizzy was my mate and I miss her more than words can describe.

One piece of advice about grief that I got and remember, is that grief is like a balloon. There is a fuckton of it, like air in a balloon, but it can only be expelled in small amounts, through the mouth piece bit, which is pinched together but to let little bits out. That's like grief, no matter how much grief there is, you can only get rid of it a little bit at a time. Which sucks, kind of. You can't ever really go off the rails or drown in sobbing. You feel bad and even awful but that's the extent of it for the most part. You take a few minutes or an hour and you cry and feel hollow but you can't overwhelm yourself, your body doesn't let you. It always feels far too rational for me, like not feeling enough or it's not affecting me in near as major a way as it should, which leads to guilt and over compensation and wondering what stuff I am doing as a performance and what stuff is because I really feel it and even possibly what stuff is a performance act for myself. Is making this list of things that remind me of Liz performative?

Fuck if I know.

I feel sad and out of place about it all the time. I feel like I'm so alone in family situations, where I never was before. It's like, Liz and I together was just baseline, but now I'm always below that, I'm always less. I feel like I'm waiting for her to show up so I can stop struggling to guess what she'd think or say or how she'd act in a situation. I imagine it the way I used to imagine romantic scenarios with boys I had a crush on, where I would plot it all out and guess how they would act. I went to a wedding this weekend and I imagined what snarky comments I would say to Liz, what she would have worn, how many times she would have rolled her eyes or gotten furious. I imagine the fun we'd have had, I imagine the small talk we'd have made, the dancing we'd have done, the way she would have laughed and cringed with me about our strange, embarrassing family.

I want her take on things all the time. I don't even know if I'd have wanted her take on them before she died, back when I took it all for granted, but I do now. No one else quite fills the role. She wasn't just a friend, or a cousin, she filled such a unique spot in my life that's irreplaceable. Sometimes I wish it wasn't.

God, I just want her back, in my arms. I want to smell her hair and feel her squeezing me back. I want her laughing and angry and rolling her eyes and scowling and lecturing me, and saying, 'hey man, what's up?' and I want her adjing me and I want her to double date with me and I want her telling me about her job and giving me book recs. I just want her out there somewhere. I want her to pull a TV show plot twist and come back, admitting she faked her death because the FBI had recruited her for a top secret mission to Mars.

Nothing else is enough. Nothing is enough. No matter what good stuff I have going on, and I have so much good stuff. I feel it every day that she isn't here and I'm not being rhetorical for effect, it's true. She's on my mind all the time and it's what I want but it's also so hard. So, so hard.

Many musings about relationships, in particular, mine

I had a really lovely night last night with the bae. We had a 21st with all our debater friends during which bae basically went off and became a bro with his guy friends, which to me is hilarious because his personality is like the opposite of bro culture but they giggle and have beers and talk about memes so like, cool. Whereas I hung out with the 4 people I knew well, and by the end of the night, the 4 other people I kind of know and like.

I don't mind operating in different spheres when it comes to debating events, because we both have our own little circles, even if there's a lot of overlap and there's no pressure to really hang out, like there was at the last 21st we went to where the golden rule was 'don't you dare leave my side'. Like, both work, it's nice not to be tied to one. I don't need to be a clingy couple. Basically every half an hour or hour I'd go over and he'd put his arm around me for a minute but then I'd go back to dancing.

When T-Swizzle came on and he wasn't dancing were the only times I raced over to him and was like, okay buddy talking time is over, put down the beer, this is urgent, it's dance with your girlfriend time.

Both times were a struggle to get him over, the second time it was 'Love Story' which, while slightly too sappy for our current status, was absolutely a song I wanted him to dance with me to and he was like nope. So I went back to the dance floor, miming a broken heart and then one of our guy friends went over to him and they chatted and then after that he came over and I didn't realise til after that he'd talked him into it, but #grateful. Though bae says he was always going to. Sure :P

Then bae was getting a lift home with Ben, and I was getting a lift home with someone else who had a full car so I asked Ben if I could go home with him instead. It was no extra trouble, but I was nervous that was clingy so I went over to bae and was like, not that I'm asking your permission or anything but is it cool I switched? and he was just like 'why though?' and I was like ??? so we can be together?? and he was like 'oh yeah, sweet, we can cuddle in the backseat' or something to that effect so like, clueless but meaning well.

Then when we got home he was like, 'sleep at mine?' and I was like, sure thing, so we went up, and I had like 3 glasses of water. I only had three or four glasses of wine but they really filled them up so that's probably like 6 or 7 standard drinks. Bae was sober and I was really not and he was supposed to be going  back to Sydney at 7am the next day but once we were in bed and he was like, we really don't have time to have sex if I have to be up at 6:30 and I was like, thinking outside the box here but what if you, like, don't go. So long story short, I seduced him  and I got what I wanted, even if it meant I slept in late and procrastinated my assignment.

I was also really proud of myself because I was really worried that I was going to get drunk and cry because alcohol, for everyone I suppose but for me in particular, tends to increase the intensity of whatever mood I am in prior to consumption. So happy moods are great, I love dancing and laughing and kissing and all the bright side of intoxication. But when I'm in  a melancholy mood, I tend to become a crying drunk.

I was worried I was in a melancholy mood because I had cried earlier that day in the Woolworths car park because I had a dream about Liz, where she came back, having announced that she'd faked her death. I can't remember the reason, but it was a good one and I was so, so damn happy to have her back, I didn't question it at all. It was a devastating dream to wake up to though, and left me feeling really flat and sad and empty. I miss Lizzy so damn much, it's never that far away from the surface, so I was predicting that my night was gonna have a crying episode in it. I never feel embarrassed by it because I don't think grief is embarrassing and I don't think I'm an ugly crier, and I know that it helps me feel better, so I figured if it happened, it happened. But in the end, I never needed to.

Go me.

So this is kind of exciting

So last entry, I lied a little bit. Maybe lied is the wrong word--I omitted.

When I said that things with the FWB was good, that was true, but actually, things were getting quickly complicated with it because I got a crush and started being all weird and listening to songs that reminded me of him and staring at his Facebook icon all the time to see if he was online, even when I had no intentions of starting a conversation.

I really am not good at healthily expressing crushes because I don't know how to flirt and I find power imbalance off putting and intimidating, except in sex, when that's the best part, so when I have feelings for someone, I ignore them and am extra mean, so they have no evidence they can hold against me if they start to suspect.

I don't do this on purpose, it's reflexive and not very mature, I agree. I'm working on it.

But being that this isn't just someone I know but someone I'm in a close and intimate relationship with that only functions without drama when there is a system of open honesty, I did a really, really mature thing and told him I had feelings for him. If I could highlight this as evidence of how much of a changed, mature person I am, I would, because this is big.

This was also really sucky for me because I figured it spelled the end of the sex part of our relationship, which is a really excellent part of our relationship and also of my day, but in the interests of myself long term, I knew it was for the best because feelings grow and it gets harder to stop something nice the more you want it. I had to get out while I was still rational enough to make the call, it's like when you get bitten by a zombie. Do you hide  it and eventually turn and infect the rest of your group or do you tell the truth and get put out of your misery? If you're not a douche, you tell. So I did.

I comforted myself with the knowledge that I was being hella mature, and being direct and honest is a real step forward for me, like really solid growth as a human being in relationships with other human beings. Liz is fucking thrilled for me rn.

All my girls were in agreement that it had to be done so it was mostly a matter of deciding if it was dishonest to sleep together one last time before I told him, which I decided was okay and also I really, really wanted to. So the next morning I did the 'we need to talk' thing and explained that FWB couldn't work for me anymore because I wanted more and that was a path to unhappiness if he couldn't ever give me more, so we pretty much had to go back to just being friends.

HOWEVER, it now gets interesting because he surprised me and said maybe we could make it work and find a compromise that suited both of our needs. But I was kinda difficult in that my needs were 'I want a relationship and won't be satisfied with anything that isn't that'. Actually, I take back that I was kinda difficult. It's not difficult or being a pain to want something, it was perfectly legitimate to put it out there that I wanted that and I won't let patriarchal views of what women are allowed to want to make me feel bad about expressing myself.

Surprisingly, that wasn't the end of the conversation. I can't remember how much I've explained the situation of my sex bae, but basically, he's in a poly relationship with another person, which means that he is able to sleep with or date other people while maintaining the integrity of that relationship. So dating wasn't off the table, which was the first thing he said after I told him I had feelings.

I hadn't been sure about that, like how willing he was to date other people, and obviously my self esteem would never let me be like, maybe he would want to date me specifically? But that's kind of what happened. He ended up needing a week to think things through, which was hard because it gave me a lot of time to also doubt, but in the end when he said that we could make things work and he wanted to try, I was into that.

So after (dear god) five years without dating anyone, voila,  I'm in a relationship.

The true friends with benefits cliche, but better that cliche than "someone always gets hurt". I don't know exactly how this is gonna play out, it seems like something that may go well but may also just not be the right fit, but it's worth trying.

So far it's been like a week, and we've been hanging out slightly more than before, but not ALL THE TIME, which is about right I think. The hardest thing I find is working out a new way of interacting? It's hard to explain and I feel like not everyone has this issue, but I'm so used to kind of ignoring bae when we're not at home, like actively choosing to sit by someone else in order to maintain a reasonable distance. Now I don't have to do that theoretically. Like, it's not weird to sit next to your boyfriend, that's their whole thing, being your partner at things. It still feels embarrassing though a little, and like 'is this cool??" So we've still got a zero PDA thing happening, which I hope will change. Not in a gross way, just in a feeling comfortable holding hands in public way, making-it-obvious-we-like-each-other way.

I feel like up until this point, 90% of our interaction is interaction in private. There's this song, "Four Walls' by Broods, that I always identify this situation with, in that I feel like our whole relationship has developed almost solely within the four walls of his bedroom. So I know what we are in that environment and it's endlessly comfortable and intimate, and I don't just mean sex, but like, that's where we hang out and watch movies and debate and tumblr and basically just spend our time. The other 10% is like, debating related, group chills, and going to dinner with his friends stuff, which is nice but mostly plutonic bro stuff.

So now it's translating a larger portion of our relationship to the 'real world', so we don't just exist as our own little self-defined entity. Like, he has to meet my friends and do things as my SO and vise versa, but also just make it clear when we are with debating friends that we are a thing.

So the next conversational challenge I have is asking him what he is okay with. We have debating later tonight and it would be super nice to make it obvious that we've had a change in relationship status i.e. kiss hello, hold my hand for no reason etc. My belief about relationships is from a tumblr post that was decrying all the dumb tropes about relationships where your partner is your enemy, like someone you have to play mind games with. it was all like 'literally wtf, your partner should be like, your partner in life, the one you are on the same side as, the one you don't have to do that BS with.' which I truly do agree with, which means it shouldn't be what I want vs what he wants, and how do I best win, it should be a mutual thing we talk and agree on.

Ah well, this is good for me, all this new space to grow as a person.

So I'm updating this blog after the longest break I've ever taken from it.

I can't really pinpoint why exactly I stopped feeling like I wanted to or needed to blog, or why I chose today to start a new post, but here goes.

The first thing to start with, since it is relevant to where I last left you in the saga of my life, is that Mia and I have made up again. I know the last year has been a lot of back and forth "we're friends again", "we're fighting again" "we're friends again". I can't guarantee that won't continue, I mean, who knows, but it seems like things are much better and settled. Mia seems much more like she's made a choice to pursue our friendship and like she wants things to be as they were. I don't really harbor ill feelings over anything-- though I say that with the caveat of if things do go badly again, I think they would be factors again, in that the major fight and issues will continue to exist as elements of our friendship and its history, which isn't erased with forgiveness, so like, if she were to hook up with someone I'm into, even 20 years from now, I would be pissed, but for the most part, I think it makes for a mature friendship to decide you still like each other after things are bad and you realise the friendship isn't an inevitability, but a choice. It's like a marriage, it doesn't just work on its own, you have to put in effort to move past things and focus on the good.

It's funny though to go back to talking most days because that's what I missed most when we were fighting, it was knowing that all the same little struggles were occurring in her life, like all the things she messages me about now, but I didn't know what they were when we were fighting. I like little things. That's when I feel like I know someone so I find it hard to fight and know that's not what you have anymore with that person.

But anyways, for now, all good.

My other female friendship that I developed in the absence in Mia actually has ended the opposite way, with complete crashing and burning. It was a risk I took to become close friends with someone that I knew was known for sporadic friendships that could run hot for awhile but turn cold in an instant but because I've never had a bad female friendship really, I mostly disregarded the warning signs because it's never been my experience. Consistency is the most accurate word to describe 99% of my relationships.

So I try to think of what happened as a positive thing. This girl was there for me when I didn't have many other people I felt I could be close to (without Mia and Jen, my pool of close friendships felt suffocatingly smaller I guess) and despite being someone who took a lot of emotional energy, we had fun and she was a good bae, because I felt like I could be very honest with her and shared a lot of insecurities and worries, because she was sharing a lot back. When things ended, we both felt the other was in the wrong, but since it's my blog, I expect my readers hold the assumption that I am endlessly reasonable and always right. It left a bad taste in my mouth and has made a lot of situations frustrating since, because it wasn't a clean fight and I feel I got character assassinated a bit, but I will admit that among our mutual friends that are closest to me, I kinda fought back. No one ever really leaves a fight with completely clean hands I would say.

Basically I had the option of making up with her. I think if I'd have grovelled a bit or taken responsibility for it all, she would have accepted it, but the idea of that felt ludicrous and like something I would never do. I have way too much pride tbh to take responsibility for something I felt strongly wasn't my fault. And like, maybe for Mia I am willing to put in a lot of work, but Mia's been my bffl for a decade, this girl, as much as I thought we were close and I liked her, I didn't feel much when she betrayed the friendship and subsequently ended it. Having Mia back probably softened the blow, especially since Mia does employ the strategy she wants me to take in fights she is involved with-- she took my side 100% and let me bitch. So my impetus for reconciliation was low and I felt like I was being mature by being like 'look, I've washed my hands of the whole friendship, clearly I am unable to treat her as she need to be treated and while I wish her the best, I am glad to be out." Hopefully that is the case, and I can look back a year from now and say that was a mature decision. Sometimes what I think at the time and on reflection are different, especially when I feel hurt and vengeful but I'm trying to be better about those things.

The third female friendship that I'm gonna detail now (jesus, why is my life suddenly filled with complicated relationships with women?) is also someone I've kinda stepped back from. To clarify, my female friendships are actually going amazingly rn, I have a really solid squad, with some new people and people I wouldn't have expected, as well as ones that have been around for ever and it's hella supportive and wonderful. I think it's only because I have so many that there are some that do feel complicated.

Anyway, this one isn't really a big deal because it's not someone I would consider a close friend. Maybe a good friend but someone I see more due to shared interests and friends rather than because we are close, intimate friends who spend late nights talking online and having coffee. I thought we were headed in that direction this year and things were looking good, but we ended up having the big disagreement. It's a debating thing where basically, she showed that she didn't trust me with this responsibility, and didn't respect the job I was doing or my opinions. In return, I felt like she'd let power go to her head and that she was acting irrationally and hurtfully. I even ended up symbolically 'quitting' the job, I was like, okay fine, drawing the line, either I get my way or I quit, and then I did which felt very powerful and good because I genuinely felt strongly and in the right.

It wasn't something that should have affected our friendship necessarily, it was like a 'work' thing, rather than a 'personal' thing, but it leaked through for me. I find it harder to trust her and believe in her motives now. We still are close in some ways, and I trust her from some stuff, but not everything and now I'm on the fence about whether or not I want to pursue her as a close friend. Just like with the previous girl, we still see each other a lot and are friendly, but I feel more hesitant now. It sucks, and in this case, I wish I could get over it but I think what I foresee is just a continuation of life as normal until either the business fight crops up again which it could (I might bring it up myself because I have recently discovered that I love drama, and also I like resolving conflict #therapist) or if she were to reach out to me and take our friendship to the next level, ie hanging out outside debating just us for fun, then I would be up for it, but I don't think I'll take the first step, the way I had intended to before this all happened.

Everything with the boy is good. Sex is super great, and I think it was one of my best decisions of 2k15 to get into the relationship, even though it does come with some complications. I have like four things I need to talk with him about. I'm really bad at communication so I'm much better at creating a running list of things that I'm not mentioning (4) than actually talking to him, even though he's like the chillest person on the planet and open to anything I have to say?

But apart from that, it's a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together and sleep over a lot but also hang out for non physical reasons. We were on the same team for the National debating competition and did really well together and I tell him all my problems all the time, so it works well for me.

Anniversary of Liz's death was this week. I haven't been too cut up about it, though I felt quite depressed today and didn't leave the house. It's hard to know if that's connected. I've had a week of just feeling down and so tired, despite getting enough sleep. I'm trying to work through it. I do little things to appease grief, like wearing black and ribbons, braiding my hair, visiting the cemetery. Liz knows I love her, I don't need to do much more to really express it.

Okay, that's enough updates. Literally all i care about is the state of a bunch of my relationships, what else matters in life really?

Why do some friendships have to be such a dramatic struggle

God I miss Marija.

Our fight is so massive and also so stupid I have no idea how to fix it or if it's something that's supposed to be fixed.

She's angry,  incredibly deeply betrayed, that I didn't take her side completely in her break up with Ben and that I said all the wrong things at the time. I hate that so much, that she's mad my advice was bad, that I didn't know what to say. She's saying that I'm a bad friend because I didn't know her well enough to know what was right and how I should have responded more appropriately. Maybe that's true, clearly I didn't know well enough what to say. Should I have known, in order to call her my best friend?

I just feel that is so deeply unfair. No one knows the right thing to say always and Liz was dying that week and I had a lot of emotions about everything that I couldn't detach and not be empathetic to both sides and I didn't have it in me to be endlessly patient and lie and say I always agreed with her when I didn't or not mention his name or defend things when I thought it made sense to.  I wasn't in a place where I could shut up and she's wrong when she said I didn't have any reason to side with Ben cos he didn't mean anything to me,  but the thing is, that's not how it works for me. If I know you, I'm going to care. And with Ben, he is my friend, even if we aren't close at all, and as well as that I'd seen up close how Mia's actions had torn him apart so I was hardly un-invested and this year I've seen more of Ben than Mia so my position was and is different to the rest of her friends who could choose a side and call it quits. I've never chosen a side in my life.

And it's not just because I need to be liked. Maybe that's part of it but I genuinely find it impossible not to find empathy for both sides in most cases. Unless someone raped someone or maybe cheated, I'm pretty much gonna find ground somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's difficult for someone who can only process the anger part of things to accept but that's me. It's not like this is the first time I've exhibited this reaction, and she and Ben's break up was literally the furthest thing from Ben's fault or Ben's wrong so it wasn't easy to not do that. And so I was shit at faking it I guess.

Honestly I thought I took her side more than an objective person would by a mile and didn't do a bad job at all but that's not what she thinks and well,  I don't know how I can argue that, but I supported her every step of the way in my mind, that she had to do what was best for her. That's my job right? Not to be a yes man but to be honest and give advice and objectivity?  I didn't realize what she needed was help radicalising and agreement that she was right and that Ben was wrong and that she was the victim and blameless and I don't think a best friend has to go along with that to be a best friend. And she never gives me that when I want to do something out there.

And I'm so frustrated because I still feel like the scale that tips to show who deserves to be mad at who is still firmly on my side, that she was so absolutely shit to date Ollie, and to lie to me about it and to make me feel so humiliated and hurt. And I'd be over it, I want to be over it, but she made this fight like I'm in the wrong and I'm not, okay, I'm just not.

I've realised that Mia is a selfish person, in that she thinks it's the right moral code for people to have, not just for her but for everyone. If she wants something, it's fine to go for it, even if it hurts people because she's okay with them choosing themselves too. But that's not how I see it, that's not how I'd ever treat her and that makes it so unequal, because I have limits on the things I would do that I want, if they hurt her and she doesn't. I'm not as important to her and she is to me and that's shitty. I mean, I think she feels like that with everyone but it makes for a shit friendship and it doesn't come up much because most of the time you aren't in a situation where it's going to matter, but then a situation like this happens and then it becomes evident and it just breaks things. I don't believe in prioritising other people over yourself all the time, but like, she shouldn't have done things the way she did. You don't treat your best friend like that.

Despite all that, and tons of people telling me she's toxic and maybe this is for the best, I still want to be friends with her. I miss her. She's my person. God, I cried in the car tonight because I felt so upset about the state of things.

I worry that she's someone who doesn't get that you have to choose to keep a relationship good. You can't hold onto all the bad stuff all the time, and let things just play out. You have to find ways to put it behind you and prioritise the relationship over whatever past wrongs you see, if you value keeping the relationship. I'm scared she doesn't value it and just like I've had times of thinking that maybe we're done, with sad acceptance, that she's done the same and put us in the 'done being bffl's' box. If she's done, I want to know. I'm willing to do the heavy lifting on getting us back to good, but it's not something I can do without her wanting it and I don't know if she does.

God I'll be furious if she doesn't though. Like, who could through away a 10 year friendship over this bullshit? Who could throw away me?

I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good friend and if she doesn't value me then fine, but she should. I can't make her but she should.

So I don't really feel like talking about all aspects of my life. Mental health is in a bad place really, has been for the last two months basically. Not badly, but I just am not on track right now and it's so hard to get back so it's depressing.

My birthday was wonderful, I spent it with a bunch of different friends/ family and just had a really nice day. I'm officially 22. How strange is that? And to think, my blog description still says I'm 18. I have my party happening next week, and Jen will be back for that (the reason I am holding it so late), and it's a joint birthday with two friends, though one of them went into inpatient care today for the foreseeable future so I'm not sure if she'll be able to leave there for the party for the evening or not. I'm really looking forward to having Jen back, i think that'll be really lovely.

Things with the FWB has been good. Sex is so silly but also good and obviously, super fun. It's definitely something that's interesting to think about and I'm happy with where that relationship is and that it's working. I try to check in with myself a lot with it, just because it is an odd situation and if something starts heading down a weird path of feelings, I want to know about it ASAP. Like, last week we hung out four nights in a row, which was nice, but after that it was like, 'wow, now what do I do with myself, it's been so long since I slept at home' and I didn't like that feeling. I couldn't really nail down why which bothered me, because I was like 'it's not because I have a crush and I miss him, is it?' which I was almost certain wasn't true but I couldn't work out what it was otherwise.

Now I think I've worked out why it makes me mildly uncomfortable and it's not about feelings, it's just because I don't like relying on people to be part of my everyday that are only there sometimes. It just puts me off balance and I don't like putting too many eggs in the basket of the person with whom I'm sleeping with most likely for a limited amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not particularly worried that we won't continue to be friends, but it's just the type of relationship type that's less trustworthy for longevity than regular friendship. And obviously, we aren't going to sleep together forever, I personally would prefer it to be over soon, because that means I met someone I wanna be in a relationship with which is goal 1.

I mean, I'm gonna be in an open relationship approximately never.

We talked about it this morning and both of us were basically like, yeah this is still good and working out, and as far as sleeping over too many nights or too much in a row, he was kinda like (and this is something I've also thought) well, it just makes sense, like, if you have the choice between sleeping alone and having someone come over and sleep with you, even if it's just sleeping, it's just nicer, if there's no opportunity cost. So I understand why we do it, I just worry it may make things too intense, even though there is no line blurring or whatever in terms of romantic feelings, the only drawback is the way it makes me feel like something is missing when I don't have it?

Yeah, I think that's the thing. Good, glad I worked that one out. I may have to talk to him again to clarify that's what I meant when I said it was too much, rather than what I actually said which was that it was boundary blurring, which isn't really true, nor what I meant and which kind of sends the wrong message,

Also, things with Mia. She didn't get into Masters, which I feel is going to set things back because we were getting back into a good rhythm, but now I think she's gonna withdraw a lot to deal with her disappointment. It sucks balls that she didn't get in. Like, she can still do 5 + 1 and she was pretty accepting of that a month ago but then i think she got renewed hope so it was difficult for that to be crushed. I really need to do well in Honours.

Oh yeah, I got into Honours. Pretty big deal, I was stressing out. I'm pretty excited to get started. I mean, terrified but also a lil bit keen.

So for the last month, I have been thinking  a lot about the sex/virginity thing.

Obviously it's dumb to hold one specific type of sexual act up as particularly special and novel, like it has some specific meaning and intimacy that nothing else does and that how and when you do it actually says something about who you are as a person and the value that you have. Firstly, just because it's arbitrary as fuck. Secondly, because I know that it's a concept invented by men hellbent on controlling women and any shame and stigma attached are directly linked to that.

Obviously  I've internalised some pretty shady stuff that makes me want to please old, white men by being 'good', even though obviously rationally there's nothing I'd love more than to stick it to those people by being subversive (I'm not very good at being bad tbh). If I could chuck out all expectations and valuation attached to penetrative sex, I would. It's very irritating to me that the ideas and values I have surrounding what I think it's supposed to mean don't detach easily, despite reason.

But anyway, like a month and a bit ago when this FWB thing started, I kind of approached it with a 'I am still kind of a virgin and I want to make sure I make the right choices' attitude. And I totally communicated that and it was totally fine with them, it's all on my schedule and what I need to make it work for me, and so I've been racking my brains ever since then trying and trying to work out exactly what I actually need so that we can make it happen.

It's been very frustrating.

I've written like a million lists and mind maps (you really cannot imagine all the mind maps) and tried to sort myself out with like 100 hours of emotional leg work trying to sort out in my head what my hesitations are. Spoiler alert, there were many of them, some rational, many irrational, all relevant in my considerations. Obviously my goal is to make a decision that I'm happy with, that I feel comfortable with, that I'll be pleased with afterwards and for the rest of my life theoretically. So I had to assess whether I was making a choice for good reasons, not for reasons of grief or sadness or wanting to force intimacy, or for reasons about making myself feel validated or sexy or whatever. I had to make sure I was happy to lose it to someone who I don't love or am in a relationship with. I had to make sure it was to someone I was really attracted to, and that meant dealing with the LucySexualCrisisof2k15 aka this is the year Lucy is into girls no exceptions, so I had to check in and make sure guys still get me hot. Being bisexual is a never ending road of bewildering attraction.

And so then it became about lots of other considerations that were more practical. Firstly, contraception obvi. And where. And when. And finalllllllllllllyyyyyy I've worked out what I want.

Because before I told him, I need to be wined and dined. And I think I kind of had this idea that even though we're obviously not a couple or romantically involved, this one time it had to feel like that in order for it to feel okay. Even at the time I realised that was pushing it and super awkward, but I didn't know what else it was that I wanted. I didn't want it to be nothing, I strive to make things idyllic because I'm kind of a massive idealist. And so I said that was what I wanted and he was like, yeah that's fine (even though I don't think it really is, he probs should of shut me down). I don't want to feel like I'm aspiring for girlfriend levels of grandeur. I honestly, truly am not interested in him as more than a friend. We're too different. Instead, what we have is a pretty good friendship. The kind that doesn't rely on agreeing on everything and enjoying all the same things the way you need to in a best-friendship or relationship, where you have to be really compatible and agree with their major life choices. When you are just friends with someone, you can step back and be like, well I don't agree with what you're doing on that thing and that one part of your life is of no interest to me but it doesn't matter because when we hang out, we have fun and that's kind of all that matters with our level of investment.


That's what this is like. We're good friends with some shared interests i.e. debating and we're super on the same page regarding most major values and social justice issues. That's enough that we have trust, we care that the other is happy and their needs are being met and that good outcomes occur for not just ourselves but each other. That's what you need for FWB in my opinion. We're close enough that trust and companionship is there, but it's not likely to develop into feelings.But, there's no reason to test that and try to slot any romance goals in there. That's not the need that he is there to fulfill, it'd be super weird to want that and I actually don't so???

So, I kept thinking and thinking and thinking, how can I make this sex thing happen, where I get an outcome where I feel really, really intimate and positive, and can say I did it in a meaningful way with someone who meant something to me and that felt symbolic of greater things than the first time I allow someone to mash their genitals into mine.

And today, I finally found an answer. I've actually written this whole explanatory post just to get to this conclusion and see if it makes sense.

Firstly, the idea was that I needed to feel intimate. How do you feel intimate with a friend in a way that isn't romantic? You find something that is meaningful to you and that you want to share with them, and you do it. One of the major reasons that this person and I got close this year is because he was really there for me when Liz died. He was actually the best and I have really strong and vivid memories of him comforting me and making me feel like he really understood and empathised with what I was going through and was hurting too.

Segue but when I was 15 I wrote this story. In it basically everyone was dead, except for me and this guy and in this story, I choose to have sex with this person and I basically have the exact same dilemma, how do I make this meaningful and satisfying? What I do in the story is I took him down to this beach that Liz and I used to go to every year, on our first night of the holidays before sunset, where there was this big rock, like, massive, 6 metres tall. And every time we would climb it, and we'd just sit and catch up and look out at the waves and dare each other to stand up which was super scary because we were kind of high and there was always the sea breeze. In the story I use the standing up on the rock as a metaphor for bravery and learning to let go and the whole talking about our lives and memories and families a way of forming intimacy that isn't necessarily about romance but about shared understanding.


This quote is kind of on point.

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

I always feel like this, but nothing makes me feel less alone and more satisfied than when I feel someone actually does get it, or is trying to get it or at least has some understanding of what matters to me and what I'm built from. My fifteen year old self was on point, she knew what she wanted then and it's actually almost the same as what I want now.

I mean, it's just a story but it did actually spark my idea in conjunction with me thinking that I really wanted to go visit Liz sometime soon. Take flowers to her grave and talk for awhile, you know. I think maybe if I take him with me, get takeaway for dinner and then come back to my place and everything is clean and I look pretty, that's what I want and I'm pretty sure that's something that I can get.

I know obviously that a cemetery date isn't exactly sexy, but you know what turns me on, more than dicks do? People who loved the people that I love, and people that love Liz. People that understand who I am, right at my core and that who I am is because of who she was to me.

I don't think asking for it to go down this way will exert any hardship for the boy, I don't think it is at all romantic, at least not more romantic that hanging out with someone in a meaningful way that you are going to have sex with later ever can be. It's still a weird question, what is the difference between friends that sleep together and a couple, beyond intention? Something to philosophise on.

I am very pleasantly surprised that just working out a way to do this, actually removed a lot of the extraneous concerns that I had about whether or not I wanted to do it. I feel like part of me was at the point of, maybe you should just NEVER do it, its never going to be good enough, and another was like, just get the fuck over yourself and do it next time you see him, who cares if it is meaningful or remarkable. Now I know what I want and if I can just manage to communicate it to him then we should be all g, unless I'm missing something obvious. If I am, I'm sure he'll let me know.

Lucy out, hope you enjoyed my latest TMI into the overthinking that goes into my sex life.

-----

So...... I did it. Fist bumps all round.

And I did it just how I wanted it basically in terms of the lead up. We went to see Liz, went to see a movie, had dinner at my house and then netflix-ed and chilled. Voila.

The overall experience was like 6.5/10, will try again. I mean, it hurt a bunch and some of it was somewhere between pain sensation and just outright nerve sensation and I was like, I don't know if I like this, part of me kind of wants to say stop but it wasn't at all traumatic or anything and I know it's all uphill from here. Even though some of it just felt so dumb and silly, I'm glad sex is a thing.

In terms of regrets, I can't say that I have any. And I'm not freaking out or catching feelings or needing reassurance, it's just like... okay so now I've done that, well done me. My friends and I have a Summer Bucket List with 106 sex items on it so far, and I have a lot to tick off ;) My friends and I are also way too kinky for our own good, we were looking for inspiration for items online and were basically like 'TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, TOO VANILLA, errrrrrrrrppppppppppppp'. So our lists have a lot of really out there stuff on them. But me and the FWB are totes up for most of them so I'm gonna win the summer challenge for sure.

I had to leave really early this morning for volunteering which was lame so now I really need a nanny nap and at some point i assume I'll talk to the bae and make sure we're chill. I mean, I'm sure we are, and like, I kissed him goodbye and stuff when I left (he was still sleeping in) but I wish he'd checked in. Even Nathan, the fuckboy one night stand texted me all the day after to make sure I was good.

I mean, I am good. But i would still appreciate a debrief now that it's the light of day :)