I swear to God, my brother didn't used to be such a dumbass at maths. He used to be smart actually.
I'm tutoring him now, because he has a maths test tomorrow. The first one of Year 12, they get given all the potential questions, so it's totally possible to 100% it. Not my brother though, he'll be lucky to pass.
Omfg he's such an idiot. He doesn't understand things like basic indices and he's such a complainer. Still, here are some locus jokes.
Why did Lucy drown? She ran out of loc-xygen
You locus the plot.
I forgot to locus the door, if I get robbed I'm out of loc.
I got locked out, I better go visit the loc-smith.
My brothers going to fail. At least this gives an indication of the productive things he gets up to in maths class.
In other news though, I'm now tutoring my friends little brother, and in the New Year I've been asked to tutor my boss's son Connor. My boss'll have to pay me more than my normal hourly rate that I get for working in the shop haha. Which incidently will increase tomorrow when I turn 19. Score!
I've worked two days this week, today and yesterday. It's sad that that's the most I've worked in a single week in forever. 10.5 hours will give me $165-ish dollars which will be nice. Nice birthday pressie to get next week. I got paid yesterday too but I spent it on party things, like lights and cord for my speakers.
Speakers which I have no discovered are broken. So I will have to borrow my brothers speakers. Good thing I just spent my night teaching him maths. Karma works quickly.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Birthday (spelt right this time)
Let me tell you about my day.Start at midnight. I was up reading this book called Birthmarked. It ended on a Cliffhanger but to be honest, the concept started well but I didn't make emotional connections, the plot was too obvious and just didn't stand up to that much scrutiny. Maybe I just expected too much but dystopic futures are my favourite and I was hopeful.
Then I started a new book called Wife 22. A middle aged woman finds a questionnaire in her email, it's the beginnings of a marriage survey, she's bored, signs up. Slowly relationship blossoms between her and Researcher 101. It's anonymous, she bares her soul, failing relationship with husband, too distant, not communicating etc.
Eventually she thinks about leaving husband, this guy listens to her and its something she hasn't had in a long time, she goes to meet the guy, he doesn't show, more confusion. Eventually she breaks it off with him, only to figure out using the gps tags in his profile pics that he's actually her husband, it was a fake questionnaire, he wanted what she wanted, to be less distant and thought it was a way to go about it. They do end up happy again, and the end.
I was a bit cheesed off that it ended up being her husband. I mean, I know it's romantic but it was cheesy. I would I liked her to cheat actually, and end up with the researcher. What does that say about me, I wanted her to leave her 20 year marriage and go with this guy.
So that's the books I've been reading today,
I also made caramel, in prep for tomorrow. I did well actually, except it's quite thick. I used a recipe for the caramel in caramel slice, not caramel sauce, but i think if I just zap it in the microwave for a few seconds, it'll be perfect and warm and I'll drizzle it over my fruit skewers and god only knows what else.
I like cooking by myself, it's fun. I mean, I love cooking with others too but I was excluded today, Jess and Megan, two of my besties are making my cake today, which I'm guessing will be brill, but obviously I couldn't join. So I made the most of being by myself and indulged in what I call (and is very self explanatory, naked cooking. It's like the only good thing about being in an apartment, noone looking over fences and seeing my boobs when I don't want to get dressed. I'm just lazy really, but making something as delicious as caramel, why not feel sexy haha.
Only thing is, I have been eating disgustingly all day, Caramel and chips and mini flakes and mango and whipped cream. Can I help it that I got my party supplies already?
I'm hoping to go for my first run in like, two months tomorrow morning and start my day off right. Then I won't feel bad about eating delicious things all day.
Also, today was supposed to be all about primping and things, so I feel pretty tomorrow but I've had yucky breakouts and I'm absentminded and only shaved one leg this morning, because I'm a derp. Also I stepped on my hair brush and broke it in two so my hair is a wild mess. Having long hair is a burden that I will not deal with much longer. But I'm a grass is always greener type person so I'm sure short will suck as well. My nails are mostly short with like, that final bit of nail polish that hasn't come off yet in a dab in the middle of each. I have work tonight so I can't paint them til after, hot soapy water will ruin them.
What else... lights don't want to stay up, which is annoying and pisses me off. My room is back to being a disaster zone... not really but my sheets are dirty and I doubt Mum will want to wash them but my friend Corey is sleeping over and I can't give him the other side of my bed if it's not clean! But it's my birthday which means birthday snuggles if I'm lucky and Corey being gay makes him perfect because his hugs are lovely. Right up there with you-know-who's. But they are much rarer. Actually I want hugs from both tomorrow. That's the goal.
I'm excited for my birthday. I know I'm turning 19 and it's not a big deal but I LOVE my birthday. I love it. I get to do things guilt free and have all my friends round and get to be centre of attention and I get presents. What is not to like, honestly.
~~~
Also, while I remember, I had this really weird (even for me) dream last night. But it was the big last night that is staying with me.
I have a pretty meh attitude about rape. I mean, I'm all up in arms about it as a social issue and a feminist one and I know it's right up there with the big crimes but on a personal level, I don't really see the big deal. My friends all literally think 'I'd rather die' but I'm like, seriously, it can't be that awful. I mean, bad, but not worth killing yourself over or making too much of a big deal.
I am not trying to offend anyone, I have the utmost respect for any survivors of rape. But for me personally, trying to put myself in that position, I feel like I wouldn't overthink it.
Or I would, but I don't think it would ruin my life.
But anyway, back to the dream, I just needed to set that context up. I was in my car in this motel carpark I suppose you could say. No, even less than that, like a rest stop on the side of the freeway, in the middle of open country. A few cars around but no houses or people for 3/4 of the dream. Not until this bit when I come back to my car and these people have hooked up their electronics to my car to charge them and do other stupid shit, and it's totally drained my car battery and I'm in the middle of nowhere so this pisses me off and I try to make them (all men) gtfo.
But they don't and I can't. I don't remember what I did, if I shoved one or tried to kick one in the balls or something. I did something though, and then one of them grabbed me and started molesting me. Maybe the others joined in, maybe they just crowded round and watched, but it was scary, in that kind of reduced dream way. I struggled and kicked etc, like there was panic.
More importantly though, once I woke up, I could still feel their dirty hands on me, running over my breasts and between my legs and things and it really is something that sticks with you. Imagine if that was a real thing that happened, you'd never forget it ever. I have trouble forgetting and mine was only phantom hands.
Then I started a new book called Wife 22. A middle aged woman finds a questionnaire in her email, it's the beginnings of a marriage survey, she's bored, signs up. Slowly relationship blossoms between her and Researcher 101. It's anonymous, she bares her soul, failing relationship with husband, too distant, not communicating etc.
Eventually she thinks about leaving husband, this guy listens to her and its something she hasn't had in a long time, she goes to meet the guy, he doesn't show, more confusion. Eventually she breaks it off with him, only to figure out using the gps tags in his profile pics that he's actually her husband, it was a fake questionnaire, he wanted what she wanted, to be less distant and thought it was a way to go about it. They do end up happy again, and the end.
I was a bit cheesed off that it ended up being her husband. I mean, I know it's romantic but it was cheesy. I would I liked her to cheat actually, and end up with the researcher. What does that say about me, I wanted her to leave her 20 year marriage and go with this guy.
So that's the books I've been reading today,
I also made caramel, in prep for tomorrow. I did well actually, except it's quite thick. I used a recipe for the caramel in caramel slice, not caramel sauce, but i think if I just zap it in the microwave for a few seconds, it'll be perfect and warm and I'll drizzle it over my fruit skewers and god only knows what else.
I like cooking by myself, it's fun. I mean, I love cooking with others too but I was excluded today, Jess and Megan, two of my besties are making my cake today, which I'm guessing will be brill, but obviously I couldn't join. So I made the most of being by myself and indulged in what I call (and is very self explanatory, naked cooking. It's like the only good thing about being in an apartment, noone looking over fences and seeing my boobs when I don't want to get dressed. I'm just lazy really, but making something as delicious as caramel, why not feel sexy haha.
Only thing is, I have been eating disgustingly all day, Caramel and chips and mini flakes and mango and whipped cream. Can I help it that I got my party supplies already?
I'm hoping to go for my first run in like, two months tomorrow morning and start my day off right. Then I won't feel bad about eating delicious things all day.
Also, today was supposed to be all about primping and things, so I feel pretty tomorrow but I've had yucky breakouts and I'm absentminded and only shaved one leg this morning, because I'm a derp. Also I stepped on my hair brush and broke it in two so my hair is a wild mess. Having long hair is a burden that I will not deal with much longer. But I'm a grass is always greener type person so I'm sure short will suck as well. My nails are mostly short with like, that final bit of nail polish that hasn't come off yet in a dab in the middle of each. I have work tonight so I can't paint them til after, hot soapy water will ruin them.
What else... lights don't want to stay up, which is annoying and pisses me off. My room is back to being a disaster zone... not really but my sheets are dirty and I doubt Mum will want to wash them but my friend Corey is sleeping over and I can't give him the other side of my bed if it's not clean! But it's my birthday which means birthday snuggles if I'm lucky and Corey being gay makes him perfect because his hugs are lovely. Right up there with you-know-who's. But they are much rarer. Actually I want hugs from both tomorrow. That's the goal.
I'm excited for my birthday. I know I'm turning 19 and it's not a big deal but I LOVE my birthday. I love it. I get to do things guilt free and have all my friends round and get to be centre of attention and I get presents. What is not to like, honestly.
~~~
Also, while I remember, I had this really weird (even for me) dream last night. But it was the big last night that is staying with me.
I have a pretty meh attitude about rape. I mean, I'm all up in arms about it as a social issue and a feminist one and I know it's right up there with the big crimes but on a personal level, I don't really see the big deal. My friends all literally think 'I'd rather die' but I'm like, seriously, it can't be that awful. I mean, bad, but not worth killing yourself over or making too much of a big deal.
I am not trying to offend anyone, I have the utmost respect for any survivors of rape. But for me personally, trying to put myself in that position, I feel like I wouldn't overthink it.
Or I would, but I don't think it would ruin my life.
But anyway, back to the dream, I just needed to set that context up. I was in my car in this motel carpark I suppose you could say. No, even less than that, like a rest stop on the side of the freeway, in the middle of open country. A few cars around but no houses or people for 3/4 of the dream. Not until this bit when I come back to my car and these people have hooked up their electronics to my car to charge them and do other stupid shit, and it's totally drained my car battery and I'm in the middle of nowhere so this pisses me off and I try to make them (all men) gtfo.
But they don't and I can't. I don't remember what I did, if I shoved one or tried to kick one in the balls or something. I did something though, and then one of them grabbed me and started molesting me. Maybe the others joined in, maybe they just crowded round and watched, but it was scary, in that kind of reduced dream way. I struggled and kicked etc, like there was panic.
More importantly though, once I woke up, I could still feel their dirty hands on me, running over my breasts and between my legs and things and it really is something that sticks with you. Imagine if that was a real thing that happened, you'd never forget it ever. I have trouble forgetting and mine was only phantom hands.
Okay, there is this site. It's like google but it's called gizoogle. It gangsta's up all your text. Reading my blog is like, 50 times more hilarious.
"Maybe I be just straight-up selfish yo, but I can't imagine havin a ex pimp daddy of tha lil pimp buttin up in n' tryin ta take mah lil pimp up n' away n' spendin time wit it n' tryin ta parent dat shit. No, mah child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Mine."
It begs the question why don't I write like that all the time. Then I remember I use phrases like 'begs the question' unironically.
Either way, good times, good times.
"Maybe I be just straight-up selfish yo, but I can't imagine havin a ex pimp daddy of tha lil pimp buttin up in n' tryin ta take mah lil pimp up n' away n' spendin time wit it n' tryin ta parent dat shit. No, mah child. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Mine."
It begs the question why don't I write like that all the time. Then I remember I use phrases like 'begs the question' unironically.
Either way, good times, good times.
kissing part 2
I finally worked it out. When i said i felt like a slut I argued against it because I know it isn't true. I truly believe I was perfectly entitled to kiss that guy the way I did. What regret I have comes from the similar but more personal disappointment of feeling cheap. It is a direct contrast between the first time I made out with someone. Last time.it was what I wanted more than anythinh, it was giving away my heart and all that other sentimental crap but emotionally I felt full. Fulfilled. It is very much how I imagine sex. It could go either way- perfect, feeling happy and secure and wanting to stay and keep feeling that way or ugly and empty and wondering why I'd done it.
That's overdramatic in this case but im sure lots of people do feel like.that and i want to make sure im not one of them...
Also i need to get this renewed crush the fuxk off. I do not even know how or why.
That's overdramatic in this case but im sure lots of people do feel like.that and i want to make sure im not one of them...
Also i need to get this renewed crush the fuxk off. I do not even know how or why.
Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Brithdayyy
Okay so I need to plan my birthday!
I have 10 days to go, I have a basic list of guests and a basic idea of what I want it to be like. But I need to decorate and buy things and decide what I'm wearing and exactly what food I want and make sure everything is spotless.
I need my room to be beautiful which it is not. I want fairy lights and colour and flowers and I need a pretty dress. Should I cut my hair all off before then? That's what I normally do.
I need to buy all the fruit and chocolate and decide exactly what I want to have for dinner. I'm thinking just little things like nachos and mini pizzas, along with lots of fruit dipped in chocolate and caramel and I want a Pavlova for my cake.
I need to make a new playlist of songs appropriate for a party (cut half the glee, more of the less embarrassing stuff, plus anything that reminds me of you know who that I feel would make my night more satisfying to play with him in sight).
If he comes. He didn't last year but to be fair, it was like 3 weeks after I told him not to contact me and deleted everything I had that reminded me of him. Except clearly his email, because I did invite him. I have this whole long pros/cons list in my diary from last year.
I'm not inviting girlfriends that I'm not friends with. Aka his, my ex's, one of my best friends ex's, I'm just blanket ruling that I'm not doing plus ones. Don't have enough room and don't want to.
------
Okay so it is now... 4 days until my birthday.
Eep.
Some changes but also some advancements so that's good...
Party invites all out. Facebook is so easy these days. I remember so many years of picking out the prettiest pink invitations and printing them all off and sometimes Mum making it embarrassing though looking back, the year she made me roll them all up and tie them with curling ribbon (I nearly died with embarrassment), and added 'parents are welcome to stay for refreshments' or something similar (I was CRINGING), that really wasn't weird at all lol, it was actually a cute idea.
This is the first year I'm really doing it all myself which is slightly disconcerting but also makes sense. I mean, Mum'll give me a hundred for food, which won't go too far but hopefully I can stretch it.
So, items ticked off....
Everyone invited. So far 11 people coming for sure, but I am pretty sure about the rest of them. Mostly best friends boyfriends who don't use facebook much but I expect will come. Only 2 people can't, one girl and one guy so it should still stay relatively even. It's hard because all my best friends are girls, but most have boyfriends that I'm friends with as well, so it usually ends up right, because I don't invite guy friends girlfriends cos I don't know them. Girls date in group, guys date out, so...
I have slightly changed my policy, my ex may be bringing his girlfriend. He asked and originally I was like, not doing that, but that was mainly cos I didn't want to start a precedent for you know who (why create myself anxiety on my birthday?) or for my best/good friend, whose ex now has a new girlfriend. But I want to meet her and while other group things will hopefully be planned soon (I have plans!) this one is planned and coming up.
My friend is doing my cake for me, so sadly, no Pavlova this year. Which saves me 30 bucks and I'm sure I'll get some at Christmas. Lucy loves Pavlova. But my best friend is great at decorating and creative and I'm sure my cake will be awesome. Besides, I don't usually even eat my cake. Last year when I was cutting my cake was when my head really started to spin, and the beginning of my 15 minutes of drunkeness before I got sick and fell asleep. Other years I usually just got the Woolies Icecream cakes, which were delish but like, nothing special. So I'm excited. But I swear to God, if she makes me a wombat cake, I'll kill her.
I have also cleaned my room and got my fairy lights, which are beautiful. I am very pleased..
I think I'll go out today and get more.
Food is freaking me out though. I mean, snack food is fine. I want to make cute things, I want people to like it and it to look lovely. Yummy dips and things. But I don't know what to do for actual dinner. I didn't want to do pizza. I was gonna do just nachos and mini pizza in oven, probably with party pies as well, but I don't want people to go home hungry or unsatisfied because it's just little things, not one meal like 10 pizzas.
I have my dress. It's satin and pink and oh so pretty. It makes me feel pretty anyway, and that's what matters. Too bad it suits blonde hair more. I want to be blonde again. Blonde bombshell! EIther way, I'll curl it all and have it looking like the main feature, which is usually is. Haha. I saw a friend of mine at the mall today, she and a friend I didn't know were going for waffles. It's weird, I didn't invite her to my party. I thought about it but she's been doing this Christian study camp all year and we don't talk much and I'm okay with letting my friendship with her drop. When we met, she didn't see me at first (probably the hair) but I said hi and she's quiet and was awkward so I just talked to her for a minute then let her go. She's not going to my uni anyway so I'm not really going to see her. She's not like Corey, also going to Macquarie, but he comes down heaps and I always make time for him (and vise versa). Corey is my success story.
In other news, there is a post on Tumblr that tells you how to find out who views your profile, in order of who views it most. Mine went best friend (girl), best friend (girl), best friend (girl), ex, you-know-who, Corey. No surprises really, but it was fun to find out and I'm guessing it's legit. I know that's not my order of whose profiles I look at most. I hope this doesn't become popular because that'd be awkward. I'm a facebook stalker. Of you-know-who anyway haha.
I'm not nearly as embarrassed by that as I should be. Not of the blogging either. Why not blog about people that matter to me? It's fun, non harmful and if he wants to read it, I'm nice to him more than I'm mean and there isn't much here that I wouldn't have said to his face really. Not now perhaps, but my feelings bounce around. I care about him, nothing really wrong with that.
Did it make me feel overly pleased that he finally said he was coming to my birthday? Yes. But he missed my last one and I want him to see me looking pretty and I want a hug and you know when you think about romantic interactions on a physical level (is that a round about way of saying sex?), for me it's not that feeling of kissing I think about or anything past that, it's just the weight of his upper body pressed against mine.
Maybe not his in particular but that's the image I get in my head when I think sex. So basically a hug. Or being pushed hard up against a wall, take your pick haha.
Either way, I like hugs and his are the best. But he has a girlfriend and I don't like him like that, repeat the rhetoric, I got it.
Argh I can't wait until Friday!
I have 10 days to go, I have a basic list of guests and a basic idea of what I want it to be like. But I need to decorate and buy things and decide what I'm wearing and exactly what food I want and make sure everything is spotless.
I need my room to be beautiful which it is not. I want fairy lights and colour and flowers and I need a pretty dress. Should I cut my hair all off before then? That's what I normally do.
I need to buy all the fruit and chocolate and decide exactly what I want to have for dinner. I'm thinking just little things like nachos and mini pizzas, along with lots of fruit dipped in chocolate and caramel and I want a Pavlova for my cake.
I need to make a new playlist of songs appropriate for a party (cut half the glee, more of the less embarrassing stuff, plus anything that reminds me of you know who that I feel would make my night more satisfying to play with him in sight).
If he comes. He didn't last year but to be fair, it was like 3 weeks after I told him not to contact me and deleted everything I had that reminded me of him. Except clearly his email, because I did invite him. I have this whole long pros/cons list in my diary from last year.
I'm not inviting girlfriends that I'm not friends with. Aka his, my ex's, one of my best friends ex's, I'm just blanket ruling that I'm not doing plus ones. Don't have enough room and don't want to.
------
Okay so it is now... 4 days until my birthday.
Eep.
Some changes but also some advancements so that's good...
Party invites all out. Facebook is so easy these days. I remember so many years of picking out the prettiest pink invitations and printing them all off and sometimes Mum making it embarrassing though looking back, the year she made me roll them all up and tie them with curling ribbon (I nearly died with embarrassment), and added 'parents are welcome to stay for refreshments' or something similar (I was CRINGING), that really wasn't weird at all lol, it was actually a cute idea.
This is the first year I'm really doing it all myself which is slightly disconcerting but also makes sense. I mean, Mum'll give me a hundred for food, which won't go too far but hopefully I can stretch it.
So, items ticked off....
Everyone invited. So far 11 people coming for sure, but I am pretty sure about the rest of them. Mostly best friends boyfriends who don't use facebook much but I expect will come. Only 2 people can't, one girl and one guy so it should still stay relatively even. It's hard because all my best friends are girls, but most have boyfriends that I'm friends with as well, so it usually ends up right, because I don't invite guy friends girlfriends cos I don't know them. Girls date in group, guys date out, so...
I have slightly changed my policy, my ex may be bringing his girlfriend. He asked and originally I was like, not doing that, but that was mainly cos I didn't want to start a precedent for you know who (why create myself anxiety on my birthday?) or for my best/good friend, whose ex now has a new girlfriend. But I want to meet her and while other group things will hopefully be planned soon (I have plans!) this one is planned and coming up.
My friend is doing my cake for me, so sadly, no Pavlova this year. Which saves me 30 bucks and I'm sure I'll get some at Christmas. Lucy loves Pavlova. But my best friend is great at decorating and creative and I'm sure my cake will be awesome. Besides, I don't usually even eat my cake. Last year when I was cutting my cake was when my head really started to spin, and the beginning of my 15 minutes of drunkeness before I got sick and fell asleep. Other years I usually just got the Woolies Icecream cakes, which were delish but like, nothing special. So I'm excited. But I swear to God, if she makes me a wombat cake, I'll kill her.
I have also cleaned my room and got my fairy lights, which are beautiful. I am very pleased..
I think I'll go out today and get more.
Food is freaking me out though. I mean, snack food is fine. I want to make cute things, I want people to like it and it to look lovely. Yummy dips and things. But I don't know what to do for actual dinner. I didn't want to do pizza. I was gonna do just nachos and mini pizza in oven, probably with party pies as well, but I don't want people to go home hungry or unsatisfied because it's just little things, not one meal like 10 pizzas.
I have my dress. It's satin and pink and oh so pretty. It makes me feel pretty anyway, and that's what matters. Too bad it suits blonde hair more. I want to be blonde again. Blonde bombshell! EIther way, I'll curl it all and have it looking like the main feature, which is usually is. Haha. I saw a friend of mine at the mall today, she and a friend I didn't know were going for waffles. It's weird, I didn't invite her to my party. I thought about it but she's been doing this Christian study camp all year and we don't talk much and I'm okay with letting my friendship with her drop. When we met, she didn't see me at first (probably the hair) but I said hi and she's quiet and was awkward so I just talked to her for a minute then let her go. She's not going to my uni anyway so I'm not really going to see her. She's not like Corey, also going to Macquarie, but he comes down heaps and I always make time for him (and vise versa). Corey is my success story.
In other news, there is a post on Tumblr that tells you how to find out who views your profile, in order of who views it most. Mine went best friend (girl), best friend (girl), best friend (girl), ex, you-know-who, Corey. No surprises really, but it was fun to find out and I'm guessing it's legit. I know that's not my order of whose profiles I look at most. I hope this doesn't become popular because that'd be awkward. I'm a facebook stalker. Of you-know-who anyway haha.
I'm not nearly as embarrassed by that as I should be. Not of the blogging either. Why not blog about people that matter to me? It's fun, non harmful and if he wants to read it, I'm nice to him more than I'm mean and there isn't much here that I wouldn't have said to his face really. Not now perhaps, but my feelings bounce around. I care about him, nothing really wrong with that.
Did it make me feel overly pleased that he finally said he was coming to my birthday? Yes. But he missed my last one and I want him to see me looking pretty and I want a hug and you know when you think about romantic interactions on a physical level (is that a round about way of saying sex?), for me it's not that feeling of kissing I think about or anything past that, it's just the weight of his upper body pressed against mine.
Maybe not his in particular but that's the image I get in my head when I think sex. So basically a hug. Or being pushed hard up against a wall, take your pick haha.
Either way, I like hugs and his are the best. But he has a girlfriend and I don't like him like that, repeat the rhetoric, I got it.
Argh I can't wait until Friday!
Friday, 30 November 2012
Books
I'm a nerd. A massive one. When I was in primary school I was given a nickname that was an amalgamation of dictionary and calculator because I was fucking awesome at maths but was a total book worm. Now as an adult I still read and I still want to be seen that way, as the girl who reads. For me in primary school, I liked those nicknames. I liked being the one everybody aimed to beat in maths tests. I thrived on competition and bragged about my perfect spelling graph all year. In year 4 we had to make a bar graph of our results to see improvement but mine was 20/20 and didn't waver. My bar graph was a block. My identity is fundamentally wrapped up in that, being the smart girl...I know I'm not the best obviously but I like that I don't usually feel ordinary. At least not when it comes to school.
So now when it comes to books it's different. I do still read a decent amount, though of course when i discovered fanfiction I read less actual physical books. Still, there is this intellectual genre that I feel should be perfect for me. I want to be one of those pretentious book snobs that loves Catcher in the Rye and the Great Gatsby but that isn't me and I don't. Same with The Fault In My Stars by John Green whose opinions I adore but whose books didn't give me the tearful feels I was expecting or Perks of Being a Wallflower which I expected to love but didn't. I just don't respond well to implicit symbolism. It's not that I don't get it but... well yeah sometimes I don't. Like the metephor in CITR, after reading it the first time quickly I didn't realise that he really wanted to stop the children from growing up. That realisation made a lot of the other stuff in the book more relevant but still, I'm not much for journey novels, especially with irritating protagonists with an unreliable recount of events. Especially when they're half crazy. Also I don't like children as narrators, when the author uses the reader to make all the assumption. Like a bruise or a family friend that the character thinks nothing of but the audiences mind jumps to abuse. That's annoying, I like aware protagonists, not ignorant ones.
Another thing that Journey novels with these teenage male protagonists do that I can't stand is the sexuality, it always grosses me out. In both Maestro, which I read in high school and Perks of Being A Wallflower, there was the awkward as fuck chapter where they see this really pretty girl, start having sex dreams about her, then because they're that type of non social, not popular type, with some weird ignorance about sex up until this point, go up to the girl and tell them that they have sex dreams about the girl. Which always makes me cringe. It's like, yes thank you for telling me you're imagining me naked in your head... and the girls usually have the reaction which is "well this kid is weird and yeah, not gonna date you but you can have me in your head, that's cool.' Which is well adjusted of them really. Still it's not something I really think needs to be explored like that, and I feel like a pervert reading about these messed up teenage boys discoving orgasm.
That was off topic lol. I only just read Perks today so that's why I can go on about it. But it really does remind me of a high school english text.
But anyway, I want to be a pretencious reader that reads classics and loves them but I'm not. The best I can do is say that I didn't hate Jane Eyre, have read books like Pride and Prejudice and Robin Hood and most classics in some form or another. I read the Kite Runner I think, but never finsihed it. I can usually point out about half the books in book store and be like 'read that' but that's the extent of it. And the fact that I read most of the books that turn out to be big before they get big. I introducted my friends to Twilight 6 months at least before it got big. Before then I had only one girl to talk to about them which was sad. But then, at year 9 camp, I was super bummed out because Breaking Dawn came out the morning we left for camp but we left like 7/8 and shops didn't open until 9 so I had to wait until the weekend to get it. Torture! But at camp, me and the other girl had bought all our books so that everyone could read. We had 10 girls in our room, so basically, everyone was up to a different stage but everyone was reading. It was awesome lol. I also introduced Hunger Games, I got one of my friends to read the Host recently, which she likes, Tomorrow Series of course... but yeah, I like being up with it about books.
Just not Perks of Being a Wallflower because I mean, lines like 'and in this moment, I swear we were infinite' are great and all, like for blog quotes and tattoos and words over vague images on hipster posts but maybe I'm just not a fan of the journey story type because nothing happens. It's all little highs and lows. Like stories that go over a year and just detail bits are my cup of tea. And while quotes like that are lovely, and the part of my brain that likes hearing poetry and words that fit together nicely loves it, and being a teenager is like that sometimes, I much prefer strong characters who do good things and are admirable, as opposed to pity worthy, like Charlie or Holden Caulfield.
I'm going to talk about a book series that does do that, but tomorrow. I'll come back and edit and regail you all with tales of my literary hero and role model, since I was 12.
I'm still really into youth fiction. I'm not as bad as my friend for whom 'The Casual Vacancy' was their first foray into adult fiction, but YA novels are still what I like best.
----
Since I have no computer right now, I'm reading more than usual to starve off boredom. I read a book called 'The Soldiers Wife' yesterday. It wasn't for the first time, I bought it months ago and read it then but never reread, it wasn't that groundbreaking. But it was good, I liked it, it was about a soldiers homecoming from a 6 month tour in Afganistan and the impact it had on the whole family, told from multiple point of views. Basically classic family breaking down, husband, wife, father, mother, sister, daughter, in laws, friends, all kind of pressuring other roles and priorities and I love that.
It's one of my favourite genres really, family drama, but I generally only like it when there's an element of the exceptional. Like Jodi Picoult books. She uses symbolism for me in a way that is perfect, in a way that is explained and easily understood, while remaining profound. It's much more accessable I think.
Right now- as in I put it down to type this- I'm rereading The Lovely Bones. I think I'm going to pick this to watch at my birthday. I don't know if everyone will likew it tremendously, but it makes me cry and the lead actor is playing the lead in the Host next March so I want to review her acting, even if I think while she was perfect for The Lovely Bones, she'll be awful in this roles, because she just doesn't have the look.
But anyway, I really like this book. I love crying over books. I love crying just in general. asdfghjkl this is a good book and I'm listening to 'Live while we're young' and it's a total contrast but in a good way.
So now when it comes to books it's different. I do still read a decent amount, though of course when i discovered fanfiction I read less actual physical books. Still, there is this intellectual genre that I feel should be perfect for me. I want to be one of those pretentious book snobs that loves Catcher in the Rye and the Great Gatsby but that isn't me and I don't. Same with The Fault In My Stars by John Green whose opinions I adore but whose books didn't give me the tearful feels I was expecting or Perks of Being a Wallflower which I expected to love but didn't. I just don't respond well to implicit symbolism. It's not that I don't get it but... well yeah sometimes I don't. Like the metephor in CITR, after reading it the first time quickly I didn't realise that he really wanted to stop the children from growing up. That realisation made a lot of the other stuff in the book more relevant but still, I'm not much for journey novels, especially with irritating protagonists with an unreliable recount of events. Especially when they're half crazy. Also I don't like children as narrators, when the author uses the reader to make all the assumption. Like a bruise or a family friend that the character thinks nothing of but the audiences mind jumps to abuse. That's annoying, I like aware protagonists, not ignorant ones.
Another thing that Journey novels with these teenage male protagonists do that I can't stand is the sexuality, it always grosses me out. In both Maestro, which I read in high school and Perks of Being A Wallflower, there was the awkward as fuck chapter where they see this really pretty girl, start having sex dreams about her, then because they're that type of non social, not popular type, with some weird ignorance about sex up until this point, go up to the girl and tell them that they have sex dreams about the girl. Which always makes me cringe. It's like, yes thank you for telling me you're imagining me naked in your head... and the girls usually have the reaction which is "well this kid is weird and yeah, not gonna date you but you can have me in your head, that's cool.' Which is well adjusted of them really. Still it's not something I really think needs to be explored like that, and I feel like a pervert reading about these messed up teenage boys discoving orgasm.
That was off topic lol. I only just read Perks today so that's why I can go on about it. But it really does remind me of a high school english text.
But anyway, I want to be a pretencious reader that reads classics and loves them but I'm not. The best I can do is say that I didn't hate Jane Eyre, have read books like Pride and Prejudice and Robin Hood and most classics in some form or another. I read the Kite Runner I think, but never finsihed it. I can usually point out about half the books in book store and be like 'read that' but that's the extent of it. And the fact that I read most of the books that turn out to be big before they get big. I introducted my friends to Twilight 6 months at least before it got big. Before then I had only one girl to talk to about them which was sad. But then, at year 9 camp, I was super bummed out because Breaking Dawn came out the morning we left for camp but we left like 7/8 and shops didn't open until 9 so I had to wait until the weekend to get it. Torture! But at camp, me and the other girl had bought all our books so that everyone could read. We had 10 girls in our room, so basically, everyone was up to a different stage but everyone was reading. It was awesome lol. I also introduced Hunger Games, I got one of my friends to read the Host recently, which she likes, Tomorrow Series of course... but yeah, I like being up with it about books.
Just not Perks of Being a Wallflower because I mean, lines like 'and in this moment, I swear we were infinite' are great and all, like for blog quotes and tattoos and words over vague images on hipster posts but maybe I'm just not a fan of the journey story type because nothing happens. It's all little highs and lows. Like stories that go over a year and just detail bits are my cup of tea. And while quotes like that are lovely, and the part of my brain that likes hearing poetry and words that fit together nicely loves it, and being a teenager is like that sometimes, I much prefer strong characters who do good things and are admirable, as opposed to pity worthy, like Charlie or Holden Caulfield.
I'm going to talk about a book series that does do that, but tomorrow. I'll come back and edit and regail you all with tales of my literary hero and role model, since I was 12.
I'm still really into youth fiction. I'm not as bad as my friend for whom 'The Casual Vacancy' was their first foray into adult fiction, but YA novels are still what I like best.
----
Since I have no computer right now, I'm reading more than usual to starve off boredom. I read a book called 'The Soldiers Wife' yesterday. It wasn't for the first time, I bought it months ago and read it then but never reread, it wasn't that groundbreaking. But it was good, I liked it, it was about a soldiers homecoming from a 6 month tour in Afganistan and the impact it had on the whole family, told from multiple point of views. Basically classic family breaking down, husband, wife, father, mother, sister, daughter, in laws, friends, all kind of pressuring other roles and priorities and I love that.
It's one of my favourite genres really, family drama, but I generally only like it when there's an element of the exceptional. Like Jodi Picoult books. She uses symbolism for me in a way that is perfect, in a way that is explained and easily understood, while remaining profound. It's much more accessable I think.
Right now- as in I put it down to type this- I'm rereading The Lovely Bones. I think I'm going to pick this to watch at my birthday. I don't know if everyone will likew it tremendously, but it makes me cry and the lead actor is playing the lead in the Host next March so I want to review her acting, even if I think while she was perfect for The Lovely Bones, she'll be awful in this roles, because she just doesn't have the look.
But anyway, I really like this book. I love crying over books. I love crying just in general. asdfghjkl this is a good book and I'm listening to 'Live while we're young' and it's a total contrast but in a good way.
kissingkissingkissing
Okay, my ears are ringing like crazy.
Went out clubbing tonight with friends. It was okay.
But here's the interesting part. My date today fell through and it's been 12 months since I've kissed anyone. On an unrelated note, my best friend keeps kissing girls that aren't me. This annoys me for unknown reasons. I don't want to kiss her either but she kisses other girl friends, I'm offended on principle.
But back to the story. A song I liked came on (Don't you worry child), I was on the smaller dance floor, the non retro one (Thursday is retro night). I'd been sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend when the song came on, I said I loved the song, we stood up to dance, she got distracted with boyfriend so I figured that she'd catch up. But then I caught a guys eye and we started dancing... then kissing a minute later.
It was cool to do it, I just thought it was too much tongue and it was a bit gross honestly. I am glad I did it though. My bffl was like 'you've only kissed one person, how do you even know it wad too much tongue?' But I measure kisses like this- if you enjoy it, it's a good kiss. If not then bad kiss. Only downside is it means you know who is actually a decent kisser.
Still, its been a year, it wasnt any physical firsts (those I like to keep) but it was first hook up. We did talk a bit a little later, like hes at uni doing IT, he's from Chile, name was Benjamin (sp?) and I dont regret it as long as i dont get oral herpes because thats incurable and id like to be able to kiss/ give a blow job one day without passing on std's. I've been told other people dont think about these things though.
Also, i was (and am) sober so maybe that should be factored in in kiss enjoyment. And lack of emotional connection...
Also excuse errors, typing all this on phone
Edit:
I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, it was implusive and I don't know how much I enjoyed it. I mean... I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I enjoyed it because it made me feel sexy and pretty and desirable and I liked dancing with someone focused on me and I love when boys wrap my arms around their necks because that's how I like to kiss.
Do you understand what I mean? (I'm not even sure if I do). I liked it because of what it meant about me and it gave me satisfaction in a social way, in a stamp-of-approval way (I can't think of the right word), but that's why I liked it, and not because the guy was super hot and I was super attracted to him and I really enjoyed the kiss because none of those things are true. EDIT: Finally thought of the word- validation. I felt socially validated by making out with a guy at a club. So my thoughts while kissing were more... 'I wonder what so-and-so will say when I tell them?' or "I wonder if my best friend can see me...' or 'I hope I don't get an STD.' I like feeling pretty. I like being told I'm pretty. It's shallow but so what, I like it. Do I have low self esteem? Yeah, probably, but not always... I know I'm worth something and I'm really up myself half the time, so the insecure half has issues with that. So I kissed him a) bucket list, it had to been done, b) it was exciting and excitement is fun and c) it made me feel good about myself even though after awhile I didn't want to kiss him anymore and spent the next 15 minutes trying to thinking of a way to escape. Not that he was anything but nice and friendly, but I'd had enough and wanted to move back to my friends without offending him.
The bad parts are a) I feel like kissing is a bit sullied for me now because it wasn't a good kiss at all. . Like, thinking back... I did like kissing you-know-who, a lot. It was nice, not just the in love part, the mouth part. And this time I didn't, it was gross. Sorry. Same as when I got my first hickey in Year 9. It was just gross.
b) I can't work out if I feel like a slut or not. Because I'm not, I'm single and I can kiss whomever I want. If I end up going on a date next week with that guy who ditched me yesterday, maybe I'll kiss him too, who knows. I have to stop thinking of it as a scoreboard. But at the same time, not intellectually but emotionally, I feel a bit sick over it. Actually, I've gained a new understanding of something but I think if I talk about it, it deserves its own entry.
c) The fact that I went with the first guy I kind of danced near, he started dancing and I gave eye contact and that was that. I mean, I've never actually seen anyone do what I did at the club before. It's not like there are masses of people kissing, especially not on the dance floor but there you go, it does happen. But since it's not like I thought those things actually happened, I didn't like look for someone I actually thought was really hot. This guy wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't my type either. So yeah.
So now I feel a bit bad.
I didn't last night, and I still think people should be able to hook up with whoever and do whatever, myself included, but I think I rushed into it this time... hmm.
Well, no regrets. Well, a few but none that I think are going to bother me in the long run. Unless I get herpes.
I don't have herpes.
Okay.
Moving on.
Went out clubbing tonight with friends. It was okay.
But here's the interesting part. My date today fell through and it's been 12 months since I've kissed anyone. On an unrelated note, my best friend keeps kissing girls that aren't me. This annoys me for unknown reasons. I don't want to kiss her either but she kisses other girl friends, I'm offended on principle.
But back to the story. A song I liked came on (Don't you worry child), I was on the smaller dance floor, the non retro one (Thursday is retro night). I'd been sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend when the song came on, I said I loved the song, we stood up to dance, she got distracted with boyfriend so I figured that she'd catch up. But then I caught a guys eye and we started dancing... then kissing a minute later.
It was cool to do it, I just thought it was too much tongue and it was a bit gross honestly. I am glad I did it though. My bffl was like 'you've only kissed one person, how do you even know it wad too much tongue?' But I measure kisses like this- if you enjoy it, it's a good kiss. If not then bad kiss. Only downside is it means you know who is actually a decent kisser.
Still, its been a year, it wasnt any physical firsts (those I like to keep) but it was first hook up. We did talk a bit a little later, like hes at uni doing IT, he's from Chile, name was Benjamin (sp?) and I dont regret it as long as i dont get oral herpes because thats incurable and id like to be able to kiss/ give a blow job one day without passing on std's. I've been told other people dont think about these things though.
Also, i was (and am) sober so maybe that should be factored in in kiss enjoyment. And lack of emotional connection...
Also excuse errors, typing all this on phone
Edit:
I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, it was implusive and I don't know how much I enjoyed it. I mean... I enjoyed it for the wrong reasons. I enjoyed it because it made me feel sexy and pretty and desirable and I liked dancing with someone focused on me and I love when boys wrap my arms around their necks because that's how I like to kiss.
Do you understand what I mean? (I'm not even sure if I do). I liked it because of what it meant about me and it gave me satisfaction in a social way, in a stamp-of-approval way (I can't think of the right word), but that's why I liked it, and not because the guy was super hot and I was super attracted to him and I really enjoyed the kiss because none of those things are true. EDIT: Finally thought of the word- validation. I felt socially validated by making out with a guy at a club. So my thoughts while kissing were more... 'I wonder what so-and-so will say when I tell them?' or "I wonder if my best friend can see me...' or 'I hope I don't get an STD.' I like feeling pretty. I like being told I'm pretty. It's shallow but so what, I like it. Do I have low self esteem? Yeah, probably, but not always... I know I'm worth something and I'm really up myself half the time, so the insecure half has issues with that. So I kissed him a) bucket list, it had to been done, b) it was exciting and excitement is fun and c) it made me feel good about myself even though after awhile I didn't want to kiss him anymore and spent the next 15 minutes trying to thinking of a way to escape. Not that he was anything but nice and friendly, but I'd had enough and wanted to move back to my friends without offending him.
The bad parts are a) I feel like kissing is a bit sullied for me now because it wasn't a good kiss at all. . Like, thinking back... I did like kissing you-know-who, a lot. It was nice, not just the in love part, the mouth part. And this time I didn't, it was gross. Sorry. Same as when I got my first hickey in Year 9. It was just gross.
b) I can't work out if I feel like a slut or not. Because I'm not, I'm single and I can kiss whomever I want. If I end up going on a date next week with that guy who ditched me yesterday, maybe I'll kiss him too, who knows. I have to stop thinking of it as a scoreboard. But at the same time, not intellectually but emotionally, I feel a bit sick over it. Actually, I've gained a new understanding of something but I think if I talk about it, it deserves its own entry.
c) The fact that I went with the first guy I kind of danced near, he started dancing and I gave eye contact and that was that. I mean, I've never actually seen anyone do what I did at the club before. It's not like there are masses of people kissing, especially not on the dance floor but there you go, it does happen. But since it's not like I thought those things actually happened, I didn't like look for someone I actually thought was really hot. This guy wasn't bad looking, but he wasn't my type either. So yeah.
So now I feel a bit bad.
I didn't last night, and I still think people should be able to hook up with whoever and do whatever, myself included, but I think I rushed into it this time... hmm.
Well, no regrets. Well, a few but none that I think are going to bother me in the long run. Unless I get herpes.
I don't have herpes.
Okay.
Moving on.
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