blah blah blah boys

I'm confused.

I know I mentioned that there is sort of a new guy that is becoming a bigger part of my social life than before.

So finding out more about each other is fun. He's not really my type too much and I know I'm never going to date him or anything, but I'm always saying I need more guy friends. I just have to work out if there is anything that I want other than that. I've said I don't want to date him... but on the other hand, he's smart and put together and generally checks off most things on my attractiveness list. I really do find smart guys ridiculously attractive and he's definitely up there for that.

I don't know.

This is complicated.

Not in a way that stresses me out because like I said, I'm not very emotionally invested. But I keep saying I don't want to date him and that's true... I think. I remember way back when, when he was with his girlfriend, thinking 'god, I wish I had a relationship like that.' But they had an awful ending and the good parts of their relationship got kinda overshadowed there.

As far as personality goes, he's more outgoing and less socially awkward than other boys I seem to attract which I appreciate, but while still being quiet. I don't know, indoors type. Do I find him attractive? Ish. I don't know. Sort of.

I cant tell if it's convenience attraction or not, because on one hand, he's around and he's new and shiny and interesting, but on the other hand, he's actually old and has weird history and would be totally awkward to go out with, so going for him would be the opposite of smooth sailing.

I don't know whether to post this or not. I mean, I think I will, but I'm adding the post script so you know I feel uncomfortable about it. Is that weird? Talking about you-know-who was easy as. I think I've come to the conclusion that I was able to disregard him and talk about him how ever I wanted on the internet because he 'deserved it', and I talk about some other people less than favourably but again, they pissed me off so they had it coming, but this guy hasn't pissed me off yet. At least not recently. There are some things that still get my blood boiling that he's done in the past though. D'you reckon that's enough to ease my guilt?

It'll have to be haha.

But I think it's also the fact that why am I putting this on the internet. It's not like before. That was after-blogging. That was getting rid of excess feelings, when I needed to talk to someone about them because they were overwhelming. This is the opposite of that. Oh well, I probably won't make a post about this person again, except in passing. I'm not planning on dedicating any more blogging room to him.

11/12. it was 12 but i deleted 11...so...eleven.

• 1: When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last?
• Vanilla. I'd probs switch it up between pink and choc but vanilla would be completely untouched til the end. Then I'm out of the others, I'll eat anything.
• 2: Would you rather be caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella or a snowstorm without boots? 
• I'd rather be in a thunderstorm. Thunderstorms are almost romantic and fun. Whereas snowstorms are uncomfortable and kill people. I don't want frostbite.
• 3: Let's say you have access to a time machine, but it can only go either backward or forward. One or the other. Which do you choose and where do you go?
• Backwards. Relive my life please. I'd fix a lot of shit up and become a child prodigy.
• 4: If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick?
• Reading thoughts.
• 5: Tomorrow morning, you wake up in the body of a celebrity, like in a '90s body-swap movie. Who is it? How do they react to your life? What do you do when you're "them"? Would you choose to switch back?
• A celebrity huh... well, tomorrow is the day Starkid perform 'A Very Potter Senior Year' so I'd be a starkid. I suppose Darren Criss.
• 6: Any allergies?
• None. I'm healthy cos I ate a lot of dirt as a kid.
• 7: What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers?
• Adult diapers, no question. Why would I be embarrassed to buy sex toys?
• 8: Did you get enough sleep last night?
• Nooooo. I had to wake up early and I went to bed late cos... supernatural fanfic. Yolo.
• 9: You're the sole witness to a Mafia murder. Witness protection has to set you up with a whole new life in a totally new country. You have to leave everything behind, but you can pick where you move to. Where do you go?
• New Zealand. I like Australia so I don't want to go somewhere far away. I'd pick Canade because I approve of them in a political/social way but it'd be cold there.
• 10: If you could star in a biopic about any famous person ever, who would it be?
• I assume a biopic is like an autobiography or something. I cbfed to look it up.I dunno. I can't think of anyone. Someone famous but not for being a film star/singer.
• 11: What's the biggest animal you've ever killed? Bugs count. 
• A 52cm flathead.
• 12: Would you rather have millions of dollars but always feel nauseous when you go outside, or be dirt poor forever but never get sick again in your life?
• Sigh. I guess I'd pick dirt poor. Or I'd use my millions to mean I could do everything I like inside, with just glass ceilings and shit, so it's basically the same thing.
• 13: A wizard offers you immortality in exchange for your two front teeth. Do you take it?
• Yes. 
• 14: Could you win the Hunger Games?
• I'd be like foxface I think, but not nearly as tough. But I am vicious and competitive as fuck so who knows.
• 15: What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid? How about as a teen/adult?
• Not american, don't believe in halloween.
• 16: Do you bite your nails?
• A little.
• 17: What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
• Lady and the Tramp.
• 18: Do you prefer music with male or female vocalists?
• Female. 
• 19: You and the love of your life are having a baby, and you get to choose the name! There's only one catch: your partner INSISTS that it be the name of a place, real or fictional. What do you name your baby?
• Adelaide maybe? Addie? I'll come back if i think of anything awesomer.
• 20: If you could reboot or remake any movie, what would it be and who would you cast?
• Tomorrow when the war began. I'd cast... hmm, I haven't thought about this before much but I'd cast Jennifer Lawrence as Ellie, or the girl who plays Ellie in the fan trailer. For Homer, I'd get Heath Ledger, back when he looked like this. Ish. It's not exactly right but that's sort of the cheekiness and handsomeness I imagine. FOr the rest, well, I don't really care.
• 21: If you could automatically know how to speak any language or play any instrument, which would you choose?
• I'm going back and forth over this one... I think.... Instrument. I think.
• 22: For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing?
• Would it be for anyone? I guess if you're traumatised or something but still.
• 23: If you curse loudly and then realize that there are children nearby, what is your reaction?
• Oops. Sozzles.
• 24: Of what animal are you most afraid?
• Wombat.
• 25: Pizza or oral sex?
• *Insert Mexican Taco ad girl WHY NOT BOTH? gif here*
• I've only tried one but the other is supposed to be the shit so idk.
• 26: Without looking them up, can you explain the rules of football? How about Quidditch? What do you think that says about you?
• That I'm a kickass person who could tell you the rules of both.
• 27: You're in the car, switching channels on the radio when you hear a song that makes you go "OH SHIT, THAT'S MY JAM!" What song is it?
• Take a bow by Rihanna lol.
• 28: Have you ever paid to see a Step Up movie? If not, how much would someone have to pay YOU to see a Step Up movie?
• Never have, not exactly opposed but I'm not going to spend my time watching it for fun.
• 29: If you were being executed tonight, what would you choose for your last meal?
• Clickers and Pizza. And hot chocolate. And chicken.
• 30: Have you ever bought an item of clothing because it reminded you of something a fictional character would wear?
• Probably. I wear weird things I see tv characters or actors do, like knee socks or berets etc.
• 31: If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
• Scare the shit out of people. Steal millions of dollars from the bank. Freak out my puppies. Convince people I was God. Then maybe round it off with some perving on hot guys. Who knows.
• 32: Have you ever been punched in the face?
• Nope.
• 33: How do you take your ramen noodles?
• Idk, with hot water?
• 34: Do you ever rehearse or plan conversations before you actually have them?
• Lol yes.
• 35: How much black do you wear on a regular basis (not counting funerals)?
• Not that much. For work. That's it mostly.
• 36: Do you have any tattoos? Do you want any?
• Nah. 
• 37: If someone offered you a free pet snake, would you take it? It's not dangerous or really big or anything. They're just moving to a place that doesn't allow pets.
• Nah, mum wouldn't let me and I'm not a huge fan of snakes. I like cuddly things and coudn't hit affection levels with a reptile.
• 38: Do you know how to pronounce the word "pinochle"?
• pin-no-chill-ee?
• 39: Can you think of anything more boring than birdwatching?
• Fishing is equally as bad.
• 40: Are you better with numbers or words?
• I like numbers but I think words.
• 41: At the movies, do you stay for the credits?
• Not usually.
• 42: Is morality universal or relative?
• Relative. Society invents it.
• 43: Let's say you're getting married to someone you absolutely adore. The only catch is that you met them through a Craigslist hookup ad that was supposed to be just for one night of casual sex. Would you tell your friends how you and your fiance met?
• Yeah, why not. Casual sex is nothing to be ashamed off.
• 44: What's the worst name you've ever been called?
• I don't know, I don't get called many names. Maybe 'freak'?
• 45: Would you eat human flesh if it had been harvested and prepared humanely? (Say, from someone brain-dead who had marked him or herself down as an organ donor - same difference, right?)
• Yeah, why not. We're human, it's basically steak. I'm not saying embrace canabalism but I don't get the big deal when it's like or death or whatever.
• 46: At what age did you stop believing in Santa? Alternately, if you never believed in Santa, did you ever ruin Santa for anyone else?
• I don't know, when I was 10?
• 47: Do you get along better with old people or little kids?
• Little kids.
• 48: If you had to choose, would you rather become a nun/monk or a drug dealer?
• Sigh, neither is that appealing. But nun.
• 49: What's your best bodily feature, objectively speaking?
• I really don't know. I used to like my back weirdly enough. Idk, chest/neck is quite alright as well. I just like pretty, white, smooth skin.
• 50: Who is your favorite late night talk show host?
• I'm not into late night tv.

And I hope you know, I hope you know... that this ain't got nothing to do with you...

This is the theme song to my blog.

It's about...  growing up and getting stronger and making changes for
yourself, for your own reasons, rather than in reaction to somebody else.

attraction

It's freaky, my psych lectures are becoming disturbingly relevant. Not that that isn't always the case, it always seems like people can connect what we learn with sudden relevance to life.

But we're studying attraction and I figure that's pretty related to the topics in this blog and in my life. Firstly, attraction due to proximity. People that are conveniently placed in our lives are more attractive than those who are not. People are lazy and if we can get away with not having to put as much effort in, we will. Like, being friends with people that live close by or with people doing the same degree because you have all these designated meet up times already, you don't have to take a lot of effort to stay in contact.

Convenience is huge for attraction I think. It's not always good for relationships but I see how it affects my own attraction to people. I'm pretty good at following this kind of attraction, even though it's not all that great, because obviously, attraction due to proximity doesn't really say anything about how well you'll actually get on with someone or if you'll like them. But I'm pretty experienced at picking boys to like because well, they like me. Boys that like you first is awesome because you don't have to do most of the work. You can rely on them to talk to you, to make time for you, to know your schedule and when is a good time to meet up. Things like that. That goes both ways by the way, just whoever does the crush-ing is the one that has to take all the initiative and it's pretty sweet for the crush-ee. All they have to do is smile and appreciate the attention.

Not in a bad way, like leading the other person on, but acknowledging that for the moment they have a pretty sweet deal. Personally, I like it too much and start to think it's enough. Enough to like them back, enough to have a relationship even. But I don't think it through and I let it be a relationship of convenience. They make me feel very good for the amount of effort expended on my end, but it's not exactly fair.

Other considerations go into it as well obviously, but just that proximity thing is quite a pull towards someone. Also, there is this equation, I can't remember it exactly, but the gist is thel ikelyhood of you going for something is expectation and excitement. Expectation is how likely you think it is and excitement is how much you want it. If you want something really badly, but don't think it's at all likely, you'll end up with an average chance of getting it. But if you want something moderately but know you can get it, the odds go up a lot.

So when I find a guy that I like-ish, even if it's not crazy love, I've been known to go for it, because they like me back. They liked me first. It's dumb, because it never works for me, I'm always just left uncomfortable while boys I don't mind are professing strong feelings for me. It's why the you-know-who thing happened to an extent, it was the opposite. Being apathetic can suck. Even if it hurts, feeling things strongly is a lot nicer.

Now I think I could be back to the opposite. A guy I wouldn't really have considered if not for the fact that he started to flirt. Add that to the fact that we've been spending some time together, catching the same bus and with some frees that are the same, he's now quite attractive to me. It's crushing with the intention to crush. It's conceived. And it's not strong. It's not the thoughts that come unbidden into my head when I'm choosing my clothes in the morning 'He's going to see you today, don't you want to make it good?' It's rather 'oh, he's here today, oh I'm wearing jeans, ah well, I'm still cute.' Like, it doesn't really matter, I'll think of it maybe at the time, but it's not really something I care much about. They aren't yet on the dress-to-impress list. They aren't that important. But it's possible they will give me someone to think about in that way, which is something I've been missing these last 6 months. It'll give me someone to get a bit of excitement going over, and it'll be easy enough if they're willing to remember relevant parts of my timetable that coincide with mine, and offer me lifts and give me someone to talk to.

This is an interesting situation really, because I don't want to date this person. They don't suit me that well. But just by letting him sit a teeny bit different in my head, it'll create some amusement.

Which is good.

two wrongs don't make a right

Having you-know-who and my bffl hating/severely disliking each other is such a trial. Life would be so much easier if Mia got on with my friends. Seriously, tonight she was supposed to come out of dinner for a friends birthday with me and she bailed because she wasn't thrilled by the guest list. Seriously, she's so antisocial. And for a vaguely popular person, it's very contradictory.

I don't blame her for the anti-you-know-who sentiment. I've been grateful for it at times. I didn't get to indulge in it ever and without her constantly extolling his vices, rather than his virtues, it would have made everything much harder. I also appreciate that her dislike comes completely in my defense. Though misguided at times, it was in protectiveness over me that she got so pissed off at him. Sure, she doesn't give me much credit and she didn't ever listen to me but considering how fucking stupid as I could be with him... well, she wasn't completely wrong. And I'll admit, I always found it funny that Jerky McJerkface or other variants was his identifier for quite a long time. It's not that original, we use similar things to that for other guys. 'Hottie McHotties' are what we call two guys in our stats class.

But I don't like him being mean about her. To him, since everything is in the past and forgiven and she has no reason to be protective now, Mia can't be angry with him anymore.

I disagree on principal, because I think just because the act is over, doesn't mean it didn't happen. To be honest, she thinks he's an asshole. The fact that he's no longer proving it doesn't mean he's changed. And she's been a bitch to him on occasion due to this. She isn't the sort of person to keep her opinions to herself.

But i understand her reasons for it, she was protecting me in her weird way. So I don't like him calling her a bitch or underestimating my friendship with her. She's my best friend. At least she supports me unconditionally. I mean yeah, she's a total bitch. The amount of annoying things she can say in a single day boggles the mind. She told me yesterday we're only friends cos I live the closest.

But I think she gets it better than he does. I won't let him bitch about her.

10 aka if you've read all these lists you know way too much random shit about me

• What song do you listen to when you're feeling down?
• Ooh.... anything upbeat and pop. Like, What Makes You Beautiful by 1D or something.
• Do you drink Tea or Coffee?
• Not really. Coffee is bad for you and tea is just bad tasting hot water.
• Tell us an embarrassing story.
• My whole life is one embarrassing thing after another. But drawing from the many things that are in my brain that make me cringe to think about, in Year 7 or 8, when I was still very much a tomboy... not that I'm not now but you know, and I used to sit with my legs spread while in a skirt and a friend told me they'd heard a guy that sat across the room from me say it was gross. It stuck with me, not that I'm much better at crossing my legs now but I do always try.
• Actually, since I'm on a roll here, here's a recent one. My face is weird. Like, I don't know why, but I don't have great control over my facial expressions when I'm not thinking about it. Maybe just in general, when I'm not thinking about my face, or my legs, or something, they just do whatever and I end up in embarrassing situations. My best friend calls it my 'passive face.' Well, that's it's recent name, it used to just be 'that weird smile thing you do'  or 'your face twitch." But anyways, so at skiiing, we were all inside having lunch, just chatting and you know, chilling out and Mia is across the table when she's like 'Lucy! You're doing the weird smile thing. Stop it.' And I was just like 'thank you for pointing that out Mia, really." Sarcasm level 500. But you know, the second I move on and stop thinking about it, she calls me out again. Which moved into a discussion of it. Her boyfriend was like 'but it's not really like, her passive face. It's like the opposite. It's constant micro expressions." Which it kind of is, I can't maintain a smile or something, I more just... flash the smile then it's gone. I don't know why. But it was embarrassing. I know it's dopey and unattractive and whenever I go out with a boy I have Mia yelling after me (sometimes literally) 'Make sure you control your face!'
• Tell us three fears.
• Dying, pain and sometimes big dogs.
• What was the last board game you played?
• Pictionary last week. And articulate. I went to a friends house. We're going to start doing it on a regular basis I think, just hanging out to play board games.
• What was the last book you read?
• Don't judge me, it was funny. "Brief encounters, a guide to casual sex.' Just because it doesn't apply to me doesn't mean I shouldn't read it. I have a weakness for dumb books like that.
• Kiss: Who's your biggest celebrity crush?
• Darren Criss. Or Naya Rivera. Or Jennifier Lawrence. All of them.
• Love: Do you believe in marriage?
• Yes. I don't know why exactly, apart from being culturally conditioned to. But that's why I believe in gay marriage, rather than civil unions. The word 'marriage' means something still, even with a 50% divorce rate.
• Money: What would you do with 1 million dollars?
• Save most of it. I'm sure mum would make me use it to pay off the stupid mortgage or something. Go on a spending spree, but like, 1000 dollars or something, not crazy.
• Naughty: Tell us three things that your parents disapprove of?
• Tattoos and piercings, staying inside all day and America.
• Oops: What is one thing you'd like to change/fix?
• In the world? It might not be the biggest issue out there compared to poverty or starving people in Africa but I'd do away with patriarchy and sexism. That's the social issue closest to my heart.
• Name three Disney movies that you adore.
• Alice in Wonderland, Lilo and Stitch and Pirates of the Caribbean.
• When's your birthday?
• December 7th
• What do you aspire to be?
• Psychologist
• Do you play/watch sport?
• I play a heap of netball (2 comps) plus I coach a team and umpire 2/3 games a week. I loveeee sport. I don't watch that much though, I just get bored.
• Do you play an instrument?
• Nope. I admire people that do though. Guitar players are very sexy.
• What's your favourite colour?
• Pink. I have lots of colours that I like (anything bright like red/orange/yellow) but pink has always been the first one to pop into my head at that question.
• What is your favourite animal?
• Dog maybe. But only small ones. Or bunnies. I like small, fluffy thinggs

noh8

You-know-who and I had a conversation yesterday. Most of it was pretty boring, like we didn't know what to say to each other. Mostly just talk about uni. It does make me wonder now that we aren't trying so hard, if we can keep up being friends.

But there was one thing--well, a few things, but the one I'm going to talk about now, about his girlfriend. Maybe it's weird, I personally think it is, that he still--and always has-- talks about her with me. I don't feel more than mild curiosity these days. I'm over him. I care what he thinks but being friends with him is like an analysis game now, not a friendship. Anyway, I don't know how we got onto it, he mentioned she'd seen my bffl on the bus or something. I was pretty unaware they even knew each other. Well, more that she knew my friend. My best friend obviously knows about her. But I guess they have met a few times. Still, it makes me wonder that it was a big enough deal for his girlfriend to text him about. Like, why would it matter? He-who-must-not-be-named dislikes her and it's mutual. But I guess people in relationships do have conversations about people and do know about each others lives and the people in them.

So then I mentioned that I see her quite a bit, whenever I go to pick up pizza (cos she works at the pizza place near me). Thankfully, she's never actually seen me. The only time she did serve me was way before everything happened, and we were on speaking 'hey, your my friends girlfriend' 'hey, your my boyfriends friend' terms. He was like 'Oh. Do you say hi?" I have him my 'are you insane?' look and said no. Then he asked 'Does she say hi?' She doesn't actually see me, which is how I like it, but I just said no.

The part of this entry that is the reason I'm writing the entry is the next him. 'She doesn't hate you, you know."

I'm conflicted as to what to think about that.

a) It's better than if she did hate me.
b) You-know-who is stupid, she probably does.
c) If I was her, I'd hate me. As me, I don't hate me (to clarify), but I have to think that if we switched, I'd hate me. I mean, I didn't wrong myself, so as me, I don't care personally, but I wronged her.
d) Well, fair enough. You-know-who did worse that I did (he broke the promise/cheated on her). So if she can still love him, it'd be pretty unfair to hate me for doing less.
e) But she forgave him because she loves him. Me-- no attachment, so it's way harder to forgive.
f) Not that she has forgiven me, but doesn't hate me. Well I figured, I have seen her since knowing she knows, she doesn't even ignore me, just doesn't do more than that. She's actually perfectly discreet.
g) It's a good thing.

Oh, the second part of this post. I don't remember what I replied to that, but you-know-who must have gone on to say something like 'It's more like the group hates her.'

Like I told him, no, they really don't. The boys don't give a fuck about anything. They aren't going to go out of their way, but they aren't really caring either way.you-know-who's girlfriend is just this girl that he cares about that they don't really know. The girls are different because in the female version of 'bros before hos', as one of my best friends said once 'it's not that we don't like her, it's just that we like you more.' Ironic really, cos that is the one girl in our group that actually is friendly to her. Though I really disagree that any of the other girls aren't, I can at least understand his girlfriends point. If she has any knowledge at all that they know about You-know-who and I, she can probably assume correctly that all of them would have preferred he got with me. It's just a fact. The fact that his friends are my friends and not her friends... just how it is. It does suck to be her.

But they don't hate her, so he's wrong about that.