Exciting, unstable times

I want to make a post now because my life is racing towards a moment of major, life change, and I want to document the moment before that occurs,

Since October, I have been applying for Clinical and Professional Psychology Masters programs all over, at six different uni's. My preference is the two year clinical program, but professional, which is a one year course, is still respectable, and often a springboard for clinical. Both are very competitive.

So far I have been accepted into USyd for a Master of Teaching (School Counselling), though it was a back up, and UNE, which is professional, via distance, and not ideal. I also have interviews for UTS, WSU, UOW, and MQ.

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Damn, I really wanted to finish this post before I got news but I was blindsided early so I will have to change tactics.

I don't know how to say this without it sounding like a dream, but I was accepted in a Master of Psychology (Clinical) at UOW. My dream course, at my dream uni. I'm literally... brain dead. I can't comprehend it and I was blindsided by it.

This is complicated to explain, but it's necessary to understand. UOW has two post graduate programs, clinical and professional. Clinical is a two year course that will leave you fully registered at the end, as not just a psychologist but a clinical psychologist (you can charge more and are more specified towards clinical cases). Professional is one year, gets you halfway to registration and leads you into the second year of supervision, at the end of which you are registered. Often people finish professional and get into clinical from there.

I was only given an interview for professional. So that means they looked at my application, were like, she's alright, not enough experience for clinical, but give her a go for professional. Mia on the other hand got the Clinical interview, which I am pretty sure means that they assess you for clinical, and if you don't make it, they assess you for professional, though it's possible to get neither.

However, the interview for both clinical and professional is the same. It's four questions/scenarios and you have about 5-7 minutes to answer each question, each with a different interviewer. So Mia and I did the same interview, as do all Clinical and Professional candidates. However, I didn't believe it was possible for a Professional candidate to be offered the Clinical masters, because they'd been ruled out in the 'who do we give interviews?' stage.

But for some reason, that's what happened with me. I got the offer yesterday, on my birthday, and it was awkward, rather than celebratory because I was terrified it was a mistake. So I spent my birthday party trying not to think about it, because I didn't want to be too hopeful and be crushed the next day if it was a mistake.

But today, I went to uni because I'm finishing my degree over summer due to a credit point debacle and I talked to the Head of Psych, and also the Course Coordinator, as well as admissions, and triple confirmed, I am in, it's real and legitimate!

I got my dream. It's so wonderful I don't know how to process it.

But at the same time, Mia hasn't heard anything and neither has my closest psych friend Fiona. I don't know what that means for them, and while I want to be hopeful, I'm very worried that it means that they didn't get in. Mia has professional at Monash but that's in Melbourne, and while she still has a shot at getting accepted at other uni's, it's not the same as getting in at UOW. It's hard because in some ways, she deserves it more than I do, she's attempted it twice (last year not getting in), and she put in so much effort to prepare for interviews.

Me on the other hand, prepared a lot (though was not in her league), but didn't stress at all. I feel like in achieving this amazing feat myself, I've done it in a way that is undeserving. I would never say that I don't work hard or that I didn't put my all in, but I wasn't the only one to do that. I don't think I'm more deserving.

Especially with Mia, it's so difficult. Being in the same boat as your best friend is great most of the time, but it is hard because no one can ever get all the same opportunities.

But it feels like it should be a leapfrog thing, she misses out one thing, I miss out another thing, but instead now I've caught up the year she was ahead of me, with an extra degree under my belt, and now have got into the most competitive, amazing course, that has been both of our dreams for five years, without any struggle what so ever. I didn't even get wait listed, I just got offered. Like, that's literally unbelievable. If Mia was me, I would be feeling green with envy inside. Not because I'm awful but because it's hard to just be happy for your friends when you are also banking all your hopes on getting that same opportunity, and not getting it.

Somehow, debating skills mixed with shyness and sincerity worked on UOW interviewers. I have charm apparently. The guy in charge, who was supposed to be scary af, actually must have liked me. I saw him today to confirm and he said my interview was really good.

I have to just hope beyond hope now that Mia gets into WSU. At least then we would both be doing clinical and the dream continues.

Fingers crossed.


Also, I'm 23 now yay!

The thing about being in a relationship that I can't avoid is that I'm terrified of what it will feel like if  we break up. I try to picture it all the time, not because I think it's going to happen on account of how things are going but just because I think that it's just probability that we'll end, because almost all relationships do and I don't think ours is so special that it'll be the exception.

I'm scared of it because this blog reminds me vividly that I spent 3 years struggling to get over someone who I never dated. I'm so constant with my feelings, I don't know how to move on from anyone or anything, so I know that if Orion even ends things will me, I'll break. I don't know how not to be insecure to the point where I don't base my worth on what guys I love think of me. If we end, I'll feel that it was because I wasn't good enough and I just hope I don't get sick again as a result. I don't think I will, but this is so far outside anything I can predict, I can't even imagine how it would go down or what I would do. I'd be okay, I know. I was okay after Lizzy, I'm not going to lose it over a boyfriend but it would be hard.

I try to make it less hard by throwing out statements like 'I'll take that home with me when we break up' or 'once we end, I'll do that' etc. I think it annoys bae, who's like, just say 'if we break up', not 'when'. And I'm a hypocrite, because the one time bae was teasing me saying something similar, about how we'll break up as soon as I move and we aren't on the same street anymore and I got really defensive being like NO DON'T SAY THAT. It's weird. I know I do it as a defense mechanism, so if we do break up I'll feel prepared, but I also don't believe it mostly. I used the phrase 'when we get married' instead of 'when I get married' the other day, that was embarrassing. We've only been together 6 months, so obvi our long term prospects are still very much up in the air, but I like to think they are there, in a way I don't think either of us expected when we started.

I deeply want to be the person that fits bae, and want him to be that person for me, where it just works and where you want to be with that person for as long into the future as you can see. I don't want us to give up if it becomes impractical or difficult. All that growing together, ride or die stuff, I want that. I guess I love him or whatever :P

Having said that, there are a lot of things that could end us as a couple, but none I can see in the next few months. This Summer is going to be golden, by hell or highwater I'm gonna have the time of my life, with bae and my friends and moving out and finishing my thesis this week, and whatever happens, life is happening all around me and I'm gonna appreciate it all.

Okay, with 6 days til thesis, I should get back to work. 

43 Days Until Thesis

So with 43 days until my thesis is due, what is going on in my life?

Quite a lot actually! I'm at such a high point right now, where I am just very contented with where my life is. I see all my friends all the time, I really feel productive and like my thesis is coming along, I am busy debating and just got reelected to the Executive for the second year in a row, I have a really lovely relationship which makes me really happy, and it's starting to get warmer and sunnier so that makes me really positive.

I have a lot of friends stuff happening right now which I love. About a month ago, we came up with the idea of Feminist Film Fridays, in which everyone gets together after dinner of Friday and we watch a feminist movie. So like, 5 or 6 of us each week gather at my house and we watch something together and eat Magnums. It's really nice! This week we watched Miss Congeniality, and some boys came too, and we had cheesecake for Mia's birthday and it was just a nice, unremarkable night that really deserves to be cherished. It's a gift to have so many wonderful people around me that I enjoy hanging out with. After this year, a lot is going to change, and people are going to be working full time, or living in different states or countries, and that's pretty crazy to think about. I'd lvoe to hit the freeze button right now, cos this feels like a golden time for me. My brother just got a major job offer yesterday, which is amazing but it means he's going to be moving to Canberra at the end of the year/ beginning of next year. Every Thursday night, Chels, Mia, Viv and I do Eat Street Markets or go to Beach Burrito for dinner, and catch up, normally getting Kurtosh after. Every Monday, I spend an hour with Indy , who is a newer friend that I love dearly and we drink Belgian hot chocolates and D&M about whatever is new since FFF. On Tuesday nights, it's always Debating but I love that cos I have so many people that I look forward to seeing there. One of my closest debating friends actually can't attend any meetings this semester because of class, so we just caught up yesterday for lunch and that was really nice, to move from just the group world of debating to doing our own thing. One of my friends who I thought wasn't my friend anymore actually came around and we made up very dramatically, and now that's someone I can count on again, which I like. Plus I tag along to stuff with bae's friends, who are all really cool and fun, so I feel like my social life is actually really good rn.

Bae and I are doing good too. We have a relationship that involves basically me sleeping at his house 9/10 nights, so we spend a lot of time together without it conflicting with other commitments or life-stuff. We don't spend a huge amount of time together during the day, so it doesn't feel like an over-the-top commitment,  but just one that makes sense. I like sleeping in the same place, not 10 houses apart, just for the sake of space. We spent the weekend in Sydney last week, and went to the Socialism Conference and the Star, where a friend of his had a 21st. It was really exciting to go somewhere overnight as a legit couple. Like, we've stayed in Sydney debating lots of times with other people, but this was just a thing we were doing as a couple, of our own volition, so that was really sweet #milestone. Our relationship isn't perfect, and I do definitely overthink things a lot and need to communicate what I think more, but I am really happy in it and get a lot of value. I'm really looking forward to this Summer.

I have an RA job and that's going pretty well, I do statistical analysis for a major project and it's fun. I just do it whenever I want and will actually be getting paid so that's nice. I'm considering going on a cruise at the end of the year with friends (hopefully bae too but he still needs to be convinced). That would be such a nice way to end the year. I'm also going to the Psych Ball this year, with bae, and I'm just excited to celebrate thesis being done with all of my Psych friends, because everyone has become so much closer this year, I feel like I have a lot of friends there that I'll be sad to say goodbye to.

My fitness & health goals are not really a priority right now, which sucks. I'm hoping that I can start making that more of a priority soon, because it does bring me down. I do want to be thinner and healthier and get some fitness back. I'm going to start running again, hopefully. At least just spending more time outside walking. I think that would be valuable, not just for physical goals but for mental health. I went out the other week to meet bae Pokemon hunting and was so surprised by how much joy the walk gave me. It was cold and dark but I had my earphones in and I genuinely didn't want to arrive, because I was having so much fun by myself. I also think it would be nice to just go out together and walk and talk. Prime hand holding opportunity.

I'm also looking forward (kind of) to moving out at the beginning of next year. I'm being kicked out so I have plans to move in with Viv and Ryan which I think will be an adventure. Hopefully the good kind. That's still 5 months away but it's a serious plan, I have to move out and I love the idea of living with friends.

So funnily enough, about 12 hours after I wrote my last post about being in love (gross) and all of that emotions stuff, bae got his act together and told me he loved me.

Excellent timing by him, cos it's good to be on the same page and not good to not be able to say feelings as I have them. Thinking 'I love you' and not being able to say it really killed my buzz so I was glad he decided it was time because once he said it, obviously it was open season and I said it back and now we say it all the time.

It's a funny, weird social construct. It's like, there exists an invisible barrier that prevents you from being honest about love when you feel it until you are sure it's mutual and then popping the barrier is a big deal but then immediately after that, you say it all the time for completely banal things. Not to say that it means nothing now but I got used to it very, very fast. It's still on my list of favourite things about being in a relationship though. I think the list is like 1) cuddling 2) hearing him say "this is my girlfriend' 3) hair/forehead/face kisses 4) i love you's and compliments 5) pet names.

I mean, there is defs more things that I like but those are the things in particular that get me feeling warm and fuzzy about relationships. Like, sex is excellent but it was excellent before we were dating too so it can't make the list.

I just like having a boyfriend. It really is just like the buddy system, it's just having a person specifically looking out for you, and doing things with you and making sure you are doing okay. I approve of all these things. It's not restricting, just nice. it's been three months now and it's very comfortable.

It is important to note though that having that going well is not to say that the rest of my life is hunky dory.

Things are really, really hard lately. I'm in a bit of a funk, a cute way of saying I feel a bit depressed and unmotivated and am having a hard time focusing on what I need to do and am instead watching a lot of Netflix because being alone with my thoughts isn't what I want. It's so strange, because I don't have a reason, I don't think people ever do but I don't like it when my brain does it's own thing. I'm just tired a lot, and exhausted and want to sleep for about 4 months. Not in a bad way, like I don't want to be doing the living thing, I just want to be under a snuggly blanket and breathe out for awhile and let the stress go.

Tbh I spend a lot of time at baes doing just that, only because I have all those responsibilities that don't go away, I end up just more stressed when I leave or reluctant to leave cos it's like exchanging calm for stress. Bae is very good at offering no-expectations time for me to just do my own thing.

okay thats all I feel like expressing

friends good, relationship good, mental health bad, uni eh plz dont ask, work ??? but overall 6.5/10 handling life

relationships are wild

I don't even know what this post is, except I think bae and I are moving so fast, not just in terms of how we're acting, like hanging out all the time, but also in terms of feelings.

It's so strange and unlike what I thought it would be. I don't know what I expected really, but Mia hit it spot on when she told me that when you date someone, if you aren't doing anything else, you just tend to hang out with them. I thought it would just be similar to what we were like when we were FWB but it's way more.

Like, the other day bae invited a mutual over friend over for dinner at his. He just casually mentioned to me 'so see you tonight like 7' or something, which was the only hint I got that I was invited, cos he just assumed obviously as we are dating I get an automatic invite which like, I get, but also it's new for me. So he had to be like yes lucy that is how dating works. It's all new and I like it all.

Sometimes I don't go home for two or three days, at least not for more than a change of clothes. I sleep at his about two thirds of the time now. That's a lot. I like it though.

It's crazy how much I want to spend time together. He left me in bed this morning cos he's going to Canberra overnight for debating and I miss him and it's only been like 12 hours. It's like being in the Twilight Zone. Me having feelings??? Okay, that part is average, but for a boy?  Romantically? This is strange. And it's intense, I have absolutely zero chill. I look at him and think 'God I love you' all the goddamn time. Not that I say that yet, cos it's only been 2 months or whatever (9 1/2 if you count FWB time which I half do) but I think it. I'm getting so close to blurting it out. I don't know why I do exactly cos it's not like he's changed, but I just like him a fuckton and I think that's basically love? I know it's half puppy love, like, honeymoon love, not deep deep, I want to be with you forever love, but I want to touch him all the time, I always want to kiss him, for us to be skin to skin, he makes me laugh, I admire him so much and I just like arguing with him and we all know that's when I know it's real.

We don't really agree on much, all the superficial stuff we disagree, like music, movies, pop culture, fashion. He's a hipster and I'm a basic bitch basically, so we are very often dragging each other for our deeply held opinions but I think it's mostly, if not totally, in good fun. I sometimes worry that I'm not alternative enough for him, because I dress preppy and am not into going to gigs and don't want to get an undercut but we agree on the big stuff, which I have been reassured by a friend is what is what's important.

I think I realized how much I liked him when Mia pointed out to me that he's actually sort of one of a kind. Mia and I have argued for years about my high standards when it comes to romantic interests politics and values. I've made exceptions and there are people who are less intense about things that I've had feelings for but no one that I've ever dated. Bae is the only person I know who is more progressive than I am, in fact he almost constantly has me beat and which that sometimes annoys me, I also know that I never want it any different.

I don't think I'll be able to lower my standards now. I like feeling safe and sure about him, with sex but also just with my feelings. He has never not come through when I've talked him about personal things, and I've never got anxious for a second that I may not be safe with him or that he might hurt me. I mean, that's a low standard to hold guys to but that's society I guess.

I guess I'm just happy and I feel like it's moving fast, to the extent that I'm terrified of it ending suddenly, or going wrong. I like him. I like what we have. I want it to keep going. I want to go deeper. I remember when I said at the start of this, when I was convincing him we should date, 'if it isn't working out, we can just end it after a few months, no hard feelings' but I was so naive dear God. I knew about feelings in the abstract but in reality this is real truly madly deeply type stuff, how do people survive this jfc.

This whole 'you either stay together forever or you break up' dichotomy is also terrifying. We're gonna break up one day, and all of this feeling and love will be dust, that's awful. How do people have relationships, are people insane? Relationships are a trip, this is wild.

I think I sometimes underestimate how sad I am sometimes. I think it's easy to forget and a lot of the time I just tell myself one thing over and over even if it's not the truth and just try to make it my truth. Like that I'm not devastated about Lizzy. It's still like a black hole. There is no amount of light or positive feelings or hope or friendship or love that I can throw into it and make it feel okay. I don't remember what it sounded like when she laughed, like full bellied laughed. I can remember her voice and certain phrases but not that. I don't remember her singing voice. I don't remember her smell. I don't know what she would say about me today. I don't know how she would feel about the relative frequency or infrequency of her name in conversations or my rote responses, I don't know how she would feel about me using the phrase best friend to describe her. I don't know if she'd say hell yes man, you should totally sleep with this guy or if she'd warn me right off. I don't know how I'm going to hear the word cancer ever again or see a movie about death or anyone being dead without thinking of her. I don't know how I'm going to go to the beach, especially to Mollymook and not feel devastated and like I'm missing a limb. I don't know how to do that but I also don't know how to ever make her less relevant to the point that I won't consider her when decision making or when I want to tell someone something because the idea of her being irrelevant is so repulsive but it's already happened in so many respects and I'm sick of hearing Liz would love this or Liz would be so proud of you or it's exactly what she would have wanted because no one wanted this, especially Lizzy. To die and be remembered and the tragic cancer girl who left behind grief and sadness and cliches would have been her last choice.

I think of her when I wash my hair, when I listen to music, when I watch movies, when I do anything new, when I get dressed or get new clothes, when I look in the mirror, when I eat frozen meals, when I think of Hilary Duff or the Temper Trap or the Killers or Fall Out Boy or Nikki Webster or when I walk on a beach or get coffee in a cafe at breakfast time. When I hear the name Camden, or see a train or shipping truck. When I do RPM or boxing, when I think about debating, let alone actually debate or go to Tournaments. I think of her when I wait to put on makeup after getting out of the shower so my pores have time to close. When I braid my hair. When I put change back into my wallet, when I feel the sun on my skin, I think of her. I think of her when I dream about the future, when I think about my wedding, or having kids or going to Africa or climbing a mountain or sky diving because I'm changing and growing and doing all of these things that she might have never imagined me doing and six months from now I'll be older than her and ever day past that I'll have been luckier than her and that's because I'll have had the chance to keep on living and growing. In 2013 I never would have considered debating and I never would have had anyone else imagine it for me either. Now it is a huge part of my identity. I expect to have many such things come into my life over time. Each making me a more diverse, interesting person but each also making me more and more indistinguishable from the girl I was. Am.

And more than ever I mourn the person that knew me, that knew us. Our relationship, our shared memories, our... Everything, I don't know the word to describe that. Our chemistry that made us go from being cousins by blood to cousins through friendship and love and companionship. Lizzy was my mate and I miss her more than words can describe.

One piece of advice about grief that I got and remember, is that grief is like a balloon. There is a fuckton of it, like air in a balloon, but it can only be expelled in small amounts, through the mouth piece bit, which is pinched together but to let little bits out. That's like grief, no matter how much grief there is, you can only get rid of it a little bit at a time. Which sucks, kind of. You can't ever really go off the rails or drown in sobbing. You feel bad and even awful but that's the extent of it for the most part. You take a few minutes or an hour and you cry and feel hollow but you can't overwhelm yourself, your body doesn't let you. It always feels far too rational for me, like not feeling enough or it's not affecting me in near as major a way as it should, which leads to guilt and over compensation and wondering what stuff I am doing as a performance and what stuff is because I really feel it and even possibly what stuff is a performance act for myself. Is making this list of things that remind me of Liz performative?

Fuck if I know.

I feel sad and out of place about it all the time. I feel like I'm so alone in family situations, where I never was before. It's like, Liz and I together was just baseline, but now I'm always below that, I'm always less. I feel like I'm waiting for her to show up so I can stop struggling to guess what she'd think or say or how she'd act in a situation. I imagine it the way I used to imagine romantic scenarios with boys I had a crush on, where I would plot it all out and guess how they would act. I went to a wedding this weekend and I imagined what snarky comments I would say to Liz, what she would have worn, how many times she would have rolled her eyes or gotten furious. I imagine the fun we'd have had, I imagine the small talk we'd have made, the dancing we'd have done, the way she would have laughed and cringed with me about our strange, embarrassing family.

I want her take on things all the time. I don't even know if I'd have wanted her take on them before she died, back when I took it all for granted, but I do now. No one else quite fills the role. She wasn't just a friend, or a cousin, she filled such a unique spot in my life that's irreplaceable. Sometimes I wish it wasn't.

God, I just want her back, in my arms. I want to smell her hair and feel her squeezing me back. I want her laughing and angry and rolling her eyes and scowling and lecturing me, and saying, 'hey man, what's up?' and I want her adjing me and I want her to double date with me and I want her telling me about her job and giving me book recs. I just want her out there somewhere. I want her to pull a TV show plot twist and come back, admitting she faked her death because the FBI had recruited her for a top secret mission to Mars.

Nothing else is enough. Nothing is enough. No matter what good stuff I have going on, and I have so much good stuff. I feel it every day that she isn't here and I'm not being rhetorical for effect, it's true. She's on my mind all the time and it's what I want but it's also so hard. So, so hard.

Many musings about relationships, in particular, mine

I had a really lovely night last night with the bae. We had a 21st with all our debater friends during which bae basically went off and became a bro with his guy friends, which to me is hilarious because his personality is like the opposite of bro culture but they giggle and have beers and talk about memes so like, cool. Whereas I hung out with the 4 people I knew well, and by the end of the night, the 4 other people I kind of know and like.

I don't mind operating in different spheres when it comes to debating events, because we both have our own little circles, even if there's a lot of overlap and there's no pressure to really hang out, like there was at the last 21st we went to where the golden rule was 'don't you dare leave my side'. Like, both work, it's nice not to be tied to one. I don't need to be a clingy couple. Basically every half an hour or hour I'd go over and he'd put his arm around me for a minute but then I'd go back to dancing.

When T-Swizzle came on and he wasn't dancing were the only times I raced over to him and was like, okay buddy talking time is over, put down the beer, this is urgent, it's dance with your girlfriend time.

Both times were a struggle to get him over, the second time it was 'Love Story' which, while slightly too sappy for our current status, was absolutely a song I wanted him to dance with me to and he was like nope. So I went back to the dance floor, miming a broken heart and then one of our guy friends went over to him and they chatted and then after that he came over and I didn't realise til after that he'd talked him into it, but #grateful. Though bae says he was always going to. Sure :P

Then bae was getting a lift home with Ben, and I was getting a lift home with someone else who had a full car so I asked Ben if I could go home with him instead. It was no extra trouble, but I was nervous that was clingy so I went over to bae and was like, not that I'm asking your permission or anything but is it cool I switched? and he was just like 'why though?' and I was like ??? so we can be together?? and he was like 'oh yeah, sweet, we can cuddle in the backseat' or something to that effect so like, clueless but meaning well.

Then when we got home he was like, 'sleep at mine?' and I was like, sure thing, so we went up, and I had like 3 glasses of water. I only had three or four glasses of wine but they really filled them up so that's probably like 6 or 7 standard drinks. Bae was sober and I was really not and he was supposed to be going  back to Sydney at 7am the next day but once we were in bed and he was like, we really don't have time to have sex if I have to be up at 6:30 and I was like, thinking outside the box here but what if you, like, don't go. So long story short, I seduced him  and I got what I wanted, even if it meant I slept in late and procrastinated my assignment.

I was also really proud of myself because I was really worried that I was going to get drunk and cry because alcohol, for everyone I suppose but for me in particular, tends to increase the intensity of whatever mood I am in prior to consumption. So happy moods are great, I love dancing and laughing and kissing and all the bright side of intoxication. But when I'm in  a melancholy mood, I tend to become a crying drunk.

I was worried I was in a melancholy mood because I had cried earlier that day in the Woolworths car park because I had a dream about Liz, where she came back, having announced that she'd faked her death. I can't remember the reason, but it was a good one and I was so, so damn happy to have her back, I didn't question it at all. It was a devastating dream to wake up to though, and left me feeling really flat and sad and empty. I miss Lizzy so damn much, it's never that far away from the surface, so I was predicting that my night was gonna have a crying episode in it. I never feel embarrassed by it because I don't think grief is embarrassing and I don't think I'm an ugly crier, and I know that it helps me feel better, so I figured if it happened, it happened. But in the end, I never needed to.

Go me.

So this is kind of exciting

So last entry, I lied a little bit. Maybe lied is the wrong word--I omitted.

When I said that things with the FWB was good, that was true, but actually, things were getting quickly complicated with it because I got a crush and started being all weird and listening to songs that reminded me of him and staring at his Facebook icon all the time to see if he was online, even when I had no intentions of starting a conversation.

I really am not good at healthily expressing crushes because I don't know how to flirt and I find power imbalance off putting and intimidating, except in sex, when that's the best part, so when I have feelings for someone, I ignore them and am extra mean, so they have no evidence they can hold against me if they start to suspect.

I don't do this on purpose, it's reflexive and not very mature, I agree. I'm working on it.

But being that this isn't just someone I know but someone I'm in a close and intimate relationship with that only functions without drama when there is a system of open honesty, I did a really, really mature thing and told him I had feelings for him. If I could highlight this as evidence of how much of a changed, mature person I am, I would, because this is big.

This was also really sucky for me because I figured it spelled the end of the sex part of our relationship, which is a really excellent part of our relationship and also of my day, but in the interests of myself long term, I knew it was for the best because feelings grow and it gets harder to stop something nice the more you want it. I had to get out while I was still rational enough to make the call, it's like when you get bitten by a zombie. Do you hide  it and eventually turn and infect the rest of your group or do you tell the truth and get put out of your misery? If you're not a douche, you tell. So I did.

I comforted myself with the knowledge that I was being hella mature, and being direct and honest is a real step forward for me, like really solid growth as a human being in relationships with other human beings. Liz is fucking thrilled for me rn.

All my girls were in agreement that it had to be done so it was mostly a matter of deciding if it was dishonest to sleep together one last time before I told him, which I decided was okay and also I really, really wanted to. So the next morning I did the 'we need to talk' thing and explained that FWB couldn't work for me anymore because I wanted more and that was a path to unhappiness if he couldn't ever give me more, so we pretty much had to go back to just being friends.

HOWEVER, it now gets interesting because he surprised me and said maybe we could make it work and find a compromise that suited both of our needs. But I was kinda difficult in that my needs were 'I want a relationship and won't be satisfied with anything that isn't that'. Actually, I take back that I was kinda difficult. It's not difficult or being a pain to want something, it was perfectly legitimate to put it out there that I wanted that and I won't let patriarchal views of what women are allowed to want to make me feel bad about expressing myself.

Surprisingly, that wasn't the end of the conversation. I can't remember how much I've explained the situation of my sex bae, but basically, he's in a poly relationship with another person, which means that he is able to sleep with or date other people while maintaining the integrity of that relationship. So dating wasn't off the table, which was the first thing he said after I told him I had feelings.

I hadn't been sure about that, like how willing he was to date other people, and obviously my self esteem would never let me be like, maybe he would want to date me specifically? But that's kind of what happened. He ended up needing a week to think things through, which was hard because it gave me a lot of time to also doubt, but in the end when he said that we could make things work and he wanted to try, I was into that.

So after (dear god) five years without dating anyone, voila,  I'm in a relationship.

The true friends with benefits cliche, but better that cliche than "someone always gets hurt". I don't know exactly how this is gonna play out, it seems like something that may go well but may also just not be the right fit, but it's worth trying.

So far it's been like a week, and we've been hanging out slightly more than before, but not ALL THE TIME, which is about right I think. The hardest thing I find is working out a new way of interacting? It's hard to explain and I feel like not everyone has this issue, but I'm so used to kind of ignoring bae when we're not at home, like actively choosing to sit by someone else in order to maintain a reasonable distance. Now I don't have to do that theoretically. Like, it's not weird to sit next to your boyfriend, that's their whole thing, being your partner at things. It still feels embarrassing though a little, and like 'is this cool??" So we've still got a zero PDA thing happening, which I hope will change. Not in a gross way, just in a feeling comfortable holding hands in public way, making-it-obvious-we-like-each-other way.

I feel like up until this point, 90% of our interaction is interaction in private. There's this song, "Four Walls' by Broods, that I always identify this situation with, in that I feel like our whole relationship has developed almost solely within the four walls of his bedroom. So I know what we are in that environment and it's endlessly comfortable and intimate, and I don't just mean sex, but like, that's where we hang out and watch movies and debate and tumblr and basically just spend our time. The other 10% is like, debating related, group chills, and going to dinner with his friends stuff, which is nice but mostly plutonic bro stuff.

So now it's translating a larger portion of our relationship to the 'real world', so we don't just exist as our own little self-defined entity. Like, he has to meet my friends and do things as my SO and vise versa, but also just make it clear when we are with debating friends that we are a thing.

So the next conversational challenge I have is asking him what he is okay with. We have debating later tonight and it would be super nice to make it obvious that we've had a change in relationship status i.e. kiss hello, hold my hand for no reason etc. My belief about relationships is from a tumblr post that was decrying all the dumb tropes about relationships where your partner is your enemy, like someone you have to play mind games with. it was all like 'literally wtf, your partner should be like, your partner in life, the one you are on the same side as, the one you don't have to do that BS with.' which I truly do agree with, which means it shouldn't be what I want vs what he wants, and how do I best win, it should be a mutual thing we talk and agree on.

Ah well, this is good for me, all this new space to grow as a person.

So I'm updating this blog after the longest break I've ever taken from it.

I can't really pinpoint why exactly I stopped feeling like I wanted to or needed to blog, or why I chose today to start a new post, but here goes.

The first thing to start with, since it is relevant to where I last left you in the saga of my life, is that Mia and I have made up again. I know the last year has been a lot of back and forth "we're friends again", "we're fighting again" "we're friends again". I can't guarantee that won't continue, I mean, who knows, but it seems like things are much better and settled. Mia seems much more like she's made a choice to pursue our friendship and like she wants things to be as they were. I don't really harbor ill feelings over anything-- though I say that with the caveat of if things do go badly again, I think they would be factors again, in that the major fight and issues will continue to exist as elements of our friendship and its history, which isn't erased with forgiveness, so like, if she were to hook up with someone I'm into, even 20 years from now, I would be pissed, but for the most part, I think it makes for a mature friendship to decide you still like each other after things are bad and you realise the friendship isn't an inevitability, but a choice. It's like a marriage, it doesn't just work on its own, you have to put in effort to move past things and focus on the good.

It's funny though to go back to talking most days because that's what I missed most when we were fighting, it was knowing that all the same little struggles were occurring in her life, like all the things she messages me about now, but I didn't know what they were when we were fighting. I like little things. That's when I feel like I know someone so I find it hard to fight and know that's not what you have anymore with that person.

But anyways, for now, all good.

My other female friendship that I developed in the absence in Mia actually has ended the opposite way, with complete crashing and burning. It was a risk I took to become close friends with someone that I knew was known for sporadic friendships that could run hot for awhile but turn cold in an instant but because I've never had a bad female friendship really, I mostly disregarded the warning signs because it's never been my experience. Consistency is the most accurate word to describe 99% of my relationships.

So I try to think of what happened as a positive thing. This girl was there for me when I didn't have many other people I felt I could be close to (without Mia and Jen, my pool of close friendships felt suffocatingly smaller I guess) and despite being someone who took a lot of emotional energy, we had fun and she was a good bae, because I felt like I could be very honest with her and shared a lot of insecurities and worries, because she was sharing a lot back. When things ended, we both felt the other was in the wrong, but since it's my blog, I expect my readers hold the assumption that I am endlessly reasonable and always right. It left a bad taste in my mouth and has made a lot of situations frustrating since, because it wasn't a clean fight and I feel I got character assassinated a bit, but I will admit that among our mutual friends that are closest to me, I kinda fought back. No one ever really leaves a fight with completely clean hands I would say.

Basically I had the option of making up with her. I think if I'd have grovelled a bit or taken responsibility for it all, she would have accepted it, but the idea of that felt ludicrous and like something I would never do. I have way too much pride tbh to take responsibility for something I felt strongly wasn't my fault. And like, maybe for Mia I am willing to put in a lot of work, but Mia's been my bffl for a decade, this girl, as much as I thought we were close and I liked her, I didn't feel much when she betrayed the friendship and subsequently ended it. Having Mia back probably softened the blow, especially since Mia does employ the strategy she wants me to take in fights she is involved with-- she took my side 100% and let me bitch. So my impetus for reconciliation was low and I felt like I was being mature by being like 'look, I've washed my hands of the whole friendship, clearly I am unable to treat her as she need to be treated and while I wish her the best, I am glad to be out." Hopefully that is the case, and I can look back a year from now and say that was a mature decision. Sometimes what I think at the time and on reflection are different, especially when I feel hurt and vengeful but I'm trying to be better about those things.

The third female friendship that I'm gonna detail now (jesus, why is my life suddenly filled with complicated relationships with women?) is also someone I've kinda stepped back from. To clarify, my female friendships are actually going amazingly rn, I have a really solid squad, with some new people and people I wouldn't have expected, as well as ones that have been around for ever and it's hella supportive and wonderful. I think it's only because I have so many that there are some that do feel complicated.

Anyway, this one isn't really a big deal because it's not someone I would consider a close friend. Maybe a good friend but someone I see more due to shared interests and friends rather than because we are close, intimate friends who spend late nights talking online and having coffee. I thought we were headed in that direction this year and things were looking good, but we ended up having the big disagreement. It's a debating thing where basically, she showed that she didn't trust me with this responsibility, and didn't respect the job I was doing or my opinions. In return, I felt like she'd let power go to her head and that she was acting irrationally and hurtfully. I even ended up symbolically 'quitting' the job, I was like, okay fine, drawing the line, either I get my way or I quit, and then I did which felt very powerful and good because I genuinely felt strongly and in the right.

It wasn't something that should have affected our friendship necessarily, it was like a 'work' thing, rather than a 'personal' thing, but it leaked through for me. I find it harder to trust her and believe in her motives now. We still are close in some ways, and I trust her from some stuff, but not everything and now I'm on the fence about whether or not I want to pursue her as a close friend. Just like with the previous girl, we still see each other a lot and are friendly, but I feel more hesitant now. It sucks, and in this case, I wish I could get over it but I think what I foresee is just a continuation of life as normal until either the business fight crops up again which it could (I might bring it up myself because I have recently discovered that I love drama, and also I like resolving conflict #therapist) or if she were to reach out to me and take our friendship to the next level, ie hanging out outside debating just us for fun, then I would be up for it, but I don't think I'll take the first step, the way I had intended to before this all happened.

Everything with the boy is good. Sex is super great, and I think it was one of my best decisions of 2k15 to get into the relationship, even though it does come with some complications. I have like four things I need to talk with him about. I'm really bad at communication so I'm much better at creating a running list of things that I'm not mentioning (4) than actually talking to him, even though he's like the chillest person on the planet and open to anything I have to say?

But apart from that, it's a good relationship. We spend a lot of time together and sleep over a lot but also hang out for non physical reasons. We were on the same team for the National debating competition and did really well together and I tell him all my problems all the time, so it works well for me.

Anniversary of Liz's death was this week. I haven't been too cut up about it, though I felt quite depressed today and didn't leave the house. It's hard to know if that's connected. I've had a week of just feeling down and so tired, despite getting enough sleep. I'm trying to work through it. I do little things to appease grief, like wearing black and ribbons, braiding my hair, visiting the cemetery. Liz knows I love her, I don't need to do much more to really express it.

Okay, that's enough updates. Literally all i care about is the state of a bunch of my relationships, what else matters in life really?

Why do some friendships have to be such a dramatic struggle

God I miss Marija.

Our fight is so massive and also so stupid I have no idea how to fix it or if it's something that's supposed to be fixed.

She's angry,  incredibly deeply betrayed, that I didn't take her side completely in her break up with Ben and that I said all the wrong things at the time. I hate that so much, that she's mad my advice was bad, that I didn't know what to say. She's saying that I'm a bad friend because I didn't know her well enough to know what was right and how I should have responded more appropriately. Maybe that's true, clearly I didn't know well enough what to say. Should I have known, in order to call her my best friend?

I just feel that is so deeply unfair. No one knows the right thing to say always and Liz was dying that week and I had a lot of emotions about everything that I couldn't detach and not be empathetic to both sides and I didn't have it in me to be endlessly patient and lie and say I always agreed with her when I didn't or not mention his name or defend things when I thought it made sense to.  I wasn't in a place where I could shut up and she's wrong when she said I didn't have any reason to side with Ben cos he didn't mean anything to me,  but the thing is, that's not how it works for me. If I know you, I'm going to care. And with Ben, he is my friend, even if we aren't close at all, and as well as that I'd seen up close how Mia's actions had torn him apart so I was hardly un-invested and this year I've seen more of Ben than Mia so my position was and is different to the rest of her friends who could choose a side and call it quits. I've never chosen a side in my life.

And it's not just because I need to be liked. Maybe that's part of it but I genuinely find it impossible not to find empathy for both sides in most cases. Unless someone raped someone or maybe cheated, I'm pretty much gonna find ground somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's difficult for someone who can only process the anger part of things to accept but that's me. It's not like this is the first time I've exhibited this reaction, and she and Ben's break up was literally the furthest thing from Ben's fault or Ben's wrong so it wasn't easy to not do that. And so I was shit at faking it I guess.

Honestly I thought I took her side more than an objective person would by a mile and didn't do a bad job at all but that's not what she thinks and well,  I don't know how I can argue that, but I supported her every step of the way in my mind, that she had to do what was best for her. That's my job right? Not to be a yes man but to be honest and give advice and objectivity?  I didn't realize what she needed was help radicalising and agreement that she was right and that Ben was wrong and that she was the victim and blameless and I don't think a best friend has to go along with that to be a best friend. And she never gives me that when I want to do something out there.

And I'm so frustrated because I still feel like the scale that tips to show who deserves to be mad at who is still firmly on my side, that she was so absolutely shit to date Ollie, and to lie to me about it and to make me feel so humiliated and hurt. And I'd be over it, I want to be over it, but she made this fight like I'm in the wrong and I'm not, okay, I'm just not.

I've realised that Mia is a selfish person, in that she thinks it's the right moral code for people to have, not just for her but for everyone. If she wants something, it's fine to go for it, even if it hurts people because she's okay with them choosing themselves too. But that's not how I see it, that's not how I'd ever treat her and that makes it so unequal, because I have limits on the things I would do that I want, if they hurt her and she doesn't. I'm not as important to her and she is to me and that's shitty. I mean, I think she feels like that with everyone but it makes for a shit friendship and it doesn't come up much because most of the time you aren't in a situation where it's going to matter, but then a situation like this happens and then it becomes evident and it just breaks things. I don't believe in prioritising other people over yourself all the time, but like, she shouldn't have done things the way she did. You don't treat your best friend like that.

Despite all that, and tons of people telling me she's toxic and maybe this is for the best, I still want to be friends with her. I miss her. She's my person. God, I cried in the car tonight because I felt so upset about the state of things.

I worry that she's someone who doesn't get that you have to choose to keep a relationship good. You can't hold onto all the bad stuff all the time, and let things just play out. You have to find ways to put it behind you and prioritise the relationship over whatever past wrongs you see, if you value keeping the relationship. I'm scared she doesn't value it and just like I've had times of thinking that maybe we're done, with sad acceptance, that she's done the same and put us in the 'done being bffl's' box. If she's done, I want to know. I'm willing to do the heavy lifting on getting us back to good, but it's not something I can do without her wanting it and I don't know if she does.

God I'll be furious if she doesn't though. Like, who could through away a 10 year friendship over this bullshit? Who could throw away me?

I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good friend and if she doesn't value me then fine, but she should. I can't make her but she should.