So like normally when I post 'okay I'm drunk right now' I do it when I've had a couple of drinks but I'm actually totally sober because I like feeling cool, not that drinking makes you cool, but it makes me feel like I'm actually going out with friends and being sociable which I suppose is 'cool' but tonight I am actually drunk. Like, well and truly, like you know who could tell me he never wants to talk to me again, that I'm a fucking slut and my obsession with him is creepy and totally inappropriate and I just would not give a FUCK. Like, all I want to do is DANCE except Arena closes at 2:30 like WHAT THE FUCK, that's so early. For the first time, I am just the right amount drunk that I want to go until 5am, I want to dance all night, I want to kiss 100 guys, and 100 girls. I want to hug everyone I know, I want to not give a fuck forever.

I never get this drunk. I always either am 90% sober after like 5 drinks and I just fucking give up or I overdo it and just go to sleep but tonight I started drinking about 9:30, and I just had some of Jen's Smirnoff, which tasted great, like Lemonade except alcoholic, and we played Kings Cup, as always, and I am glad I didn't get the last king, because it was a mix of red wine (the most disgusting substance on earth) and beer and cider. And then the last card had to have a shot of 'cupboard rum' as we call it, which is DISGUSTING like, it's so terrible but Olivia got that, and then the second Kings Cup I got and it's my first Kings Cup and I'd already had a few cups of cruiser and cider and the Cup had fridge wine and bear and cider in it I think, but it was fine, I had water for a chaser and everyone was impressed I got it down in 4 swallows. So I felt a teeny bit buzzed but I have tolerance like whoa so when we left for Arena I was still awkward and bad but it's saturday so 3pound entry (you always have to pay in England, no matter what day) but cheap drinks. Like, instead of $10 at home for a jager bomb, it was 1.50 pounds, so I had like 5. I don't remember exactly. In the beginning you have to be polite and go up with a group and you all get a drink and you CHEERS and skull it, but by the end, because the drunker you get, the less you give a fuck, I just started going up by myself and getting more. And at one point a girl came up to me and offered me an almost full bottle of cruiser and I was confused but she said in my ear that her friend just was too drunk to have it so I was like, sure, thanks. And it's not like I don't know, stranger danger and don't drink things you didn't see being made but it was a girl giving it to me, she wasn't following me or having any further contact with me, so why would she roofie me and I TOLD Jen to look out for me in case, which she did, but I was fine obviously. Free drink! Perhaps I will feel differently when I'm sober but it just felt like a risk I was okay with, like it just made sense that what she was saying was legit and I'm cheap.

Mia said not to, but fuck her, she's in Australia and I am here, partying and dancing and I am so HAPPY right now, like I feel so content and like, she isn't going to know what hit her when I return, I'm just going to be so confident and I will go out more and I will drink and talk and laugh and she's just going to be like 'where is my best friend gone, who is shy and terrible?' and I will just laugh at her because I am LEARNING to be better, and my limits and that dancing is just fun and that drinking makes it so, so great and it just makes you lose all self consciousness. By the end, I was just giggling and having so much fun, I didn't want to leave.

Simon was protecting us from all the creeps, and while I was on the lookout for hot guys to kiss, I was fine with not seeing anyone. My room is such as mess and while I do long to be on the wall of shame and being a 'citizen of Sexeter', I can wait until my room is clean and I find someone I really like (at least like the look of) because I was just asking myself 'do I really want his dick in me' and the answer was very much no.

By the end, I just had so much fun dancing. Like, I got to the point where I wasn't thinking  about it, I just did whatever fucking came to mind, and I danced with all the girls, even though most of them I still feel like I am not on the personal level with yet- when I am sober.

Jen is, because she spends more time with them at Uni when I don't, so I haven't made these connections yet but I really want to and I was kind of anxious about it, but now I just feel like I need to keep going out and being sociable and it will happen. And like, they are actually great and funny and fun, and they have Tumblr and are feminists and while I wouldn't be friends with them at home necessarily, I love that they are different to me but I am realising I can be friends with more than just people who are like me 100%. There is more to life than that.

God, I just want to DANCE. I want to not be home, I want to still be at the club, dancing my ass off.

Fucking England, with their weird ass club culture of closing early.

I just feel super loose, like my ears are ringing but my body just has that slight disconnect, like when I roll my legs to one side they just go, and sway, and I'm just like 'yeah, fuck yeah, don't tell me I'm making bad decisions Mia, I'm awesome and I'm being safe, I am, especially after what happened, like I would do anything to put myself in a vulnerable position, and I have a group of friends who come looking for me when I go the bathroom and don't tell them, they won't let me go fucking off with someone unless I give them an explicit and enthusiastic yes.

They always say you don't know how drunk you are until you go the bathroom and it's the truest saying there is. Like, on the dancefloor, you just move and you can't really tell that you are drunk, because it's so loud and you are just moving, but as soon as you are alone and in a small space where you are still, it's just like 'fuck it, I'm drunk' or not-- which is when you go get another drink.

Fuck.

I have a Skype date with my Dad at 10am tomorrow. It's the first time since I got here, and I won't miss it for the world but it's already 3:30am. I think another glass of water is in order but I had like 6 Jagerbombs and they literally are 3/4 Red Bull so I am hyped.

Just want to run and move.

Maybe I should go out now. Just go outside and run and run and run.

No, that's a fucking bad drunk idea. I could go make a pizza? NO FUCKING BAD IDEA, WHAT THE HELL. At least I can tell it's all caused by my drunk mind. Not saying it's not tempting but.

I swear a lot more when I'm buzzed. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I just like it, it's like 'um', I just use it to fill in the blanks. Like, when on the hunt for a hard to find word, I'm just like 'yeah, she's fuckin'... fucking... fucking...' until I find it in my vocab somewhere hiding.

And I know some people think it's embarrassing to showcase being drunk, because it's like being stupid, but it's not. Like, I could put on my critical thinking cap and go alright, but it's quite a worthwhile trade off, just this feeling of confidence and contentment and enthusiasm.

I like it.