Grumble.
My date tomorrow was cancelled. He may have to work and he won't know until almost midday and he has to be back by arvo anyway so yeah... that sucks.
I was actually looking forward to it.
I went shopping and bought new clothes and have decided I'm okay with how I look and have all these pretty clothes to wear and now I can't.
And it's just that it would have been my first ever real date and I wanted it you know? I want that excitement mixed with dread and nervousness and the talking and if I liked him and thought he was cute I could have kissed him and urgh, now what?
We'll have to make a new plan for next week which is totally far away.
I mean, I still have plans for tomorrow. I'm going shopping again with my bffl, then I have basketball at 6:30 and then I'm going out at 9 to club. My friend that's preggers is organising, wants to do something before she really starts showing. She's only just slightly showing now, at 16 weeks.
It'll be fun. I have a few new dresses. I have this pink one, a hand me down from my cousin (who is a saint and just gave me two new bags of clothes tonight) that I could wear but I think I may want to save it for my birthday party. It's short, which isn't normally what suits me. As mum said today, my upper legs are not my best feature. Probably the worst really. Having thick limbs is the worst. I don't look good in anything.
But yeah, this dress is pretty and floaty and light pink. It would look better with blonde hair but I have to make do with brown. It's crazy actually, the blonde is already starting to show through the permanent (3 bottles) of hair dye. My hair is apparently as attached to my blonde hair as everyone I know is to it.
I don't mind. I'm a blonde at heart. Always will be. Blonde really do have more fun.
I do hope this date thing happens... I want it to. Screw everything I said about you-know-who. I think of him when I listen to music. That's it.
He's the past.
This is my future.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Blow my whistle baby :P
Monday, 26 November 2012
Men's rights
Okay this is going to be one of those posts that make feminists look bad.
I say that but only because I want to make it clear that this is my own personal opinion, and I recognise that it isn't very fair to men but I don't want this to be a 'FEMINISTS HATE TEH MENZZ!!!' argument. Hopefully it won't come out that way.
I want to talk about something that gets MRA's (Men's Rights Activists) all worked up, but that get's me worked up to... only for the opposite side of the argument.
Paternity, men's rights to children, shared custody and self determination in regards to reproduction and abortion.
My friend is pregnant. 16 weeks now, I can't tell you how exciting and overwhelming I think it is. Her boyfriend, loving partner of 4 years broke up with her a few weeks after she told him he was pregnant. His initial reaction was simply 'abort now, we'll have kids in a few years once we're ready.' This isn't a bad opinion, it's logical and fine, as long as it remains an opinion.
Psychology this year has taught me something about relationship and sex. Men are much, much more likely to have sex with multiple partners than women. The reason is biological and had a lot to do with reproduction. For men, beyond sex, it is a hands off experience. Men have little investment in the process. For them, the best chance to have their genes carried on is to have sex with lots of women. For women on the other hand, having a child is an incredible investment, not just socially and financially (that has more to do with our society) but physically and emotionally. Carrying a child takes a huge strain every day for 9 whole months, plus childbirth which we have evolved too large heads to do without incredible pain and physical injury in many cases. So women are a lot more picky about men and who they sleep with.
This biological explanation does makes sense to me, which is unusual because I usually advocate hard for social factors as being behind patriarchy and gender differences. Which I do believe of course, but science has obviously had success finding genetic and biological causes for things too.
Anyway, I truly believe in 'women's body, women's choice' when it comes to carrying or aborting a baby. I'm not saying it's fair, I couldn't imagine being a man in that situation and I have all the sympathy in the world for men that are but if there is a pregnancy that a man doesn't want, it is 100% right that the woman has control over that decision. And MRA campaigns with guys holding up signs like 'She murdered my baby', 'my ex girlfriend killed my little boy/girl' 'she aborted my child' make me sick. No one, no one, no one can force a women to carry a child. If a woman aborts a child that they do not want, the 'father' has no right to stop her. He cannot force her to be pregnant. This isn't the 16th century. Or the 19th. Or even the 20th sadly enough. Or the 21st in undeveloped countries.
Now lets move on to once the baby is born. This is where I'm focusing my research now, because of course, this is where my friend is headed. The father wants nothing to do with her/it. She is hopefully going to be working enough this summer to qualify for maternity leave, which would be a Godsend (and completely necessary), but I can't work out what the law is on child support. Or the rules on child visitation.
Maybe I'm just really selfish, but I can't imagine having an ex boyfriend father of the child butting in and trying to take my child out and away and spending time with it and trying to parent it. No, my child. Mine.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
I see myself as one of those really overprotective mothers that tries to do everything right and OTT but probably burns out by the time they get to primary school because in general, I'm such a lazy, non-detail orientated person. Then I'd turn into the 'do what you want' type.
Still, I would hate having to share.
I'd fight so hard not to let him have a relationship with my child. That's selfish huh? But if I brought a little bub into the world, I'd hate letting someone else touch them. I'd want to be the only parent. Can't we do that? I want to be a single mother. Daddy can stay out of the picture.
Now I'll just be a tad hypocritical and say Dad can feel free to pay child support. But no, if they want to see it and I say no, no child support. But if they don't want to be a part of its life, then they should have to pay.
Though this kills me to say, once the baby is born, both parents should have equal rights to it.
God, okay, I don't believe that.
I should. I think it's right, but fuck that. If I have a baby it's mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine.
No, see that doesn't work. Women are only going to have babies that they want. Otherwise they'd of aborted or given it away. Men, they can do fuck all. They can be dicks and say they don't want it and try to convince their girlfriends to abort and have nothing to do with anything and then see the baby when it's born,. have the alleged 'a man becomes a father the first time he hold it in his arms' moment and then decide to get involved.
That doesn't rub with me.
If a guy wants to be in my baby child's life, they need to be there from the get go. You can't be a kid when you are expected to raise a kid. You have to buck up, be a man and face it. My friend's boyfriend didn't do that so honestly, I don't want him to come back and try again. I couldn't trust a guy like that.
I say that but only because I want to make it clear that this is my own personal opinion, and I recognise that it isn't very fair to men but I don't want this to be a 'FEMINISTS HATE TEH MENZZ!!!' argument. Hopefully it won't come out that way.
I want to talk about something that gets MRA's (Men's Rights Activists) all worked up, but that get's me worked up to... only for the opposite side of the argument.
Paternity, men's rights to children, shared custody and self determination in regards to reproduction and abortion.
My friend is pregnant. 16 weeks now, I can't tell you how exciting and overwhelming I think it is. Her boyfriend, loving partner of 4 years broke up with her a few weeks after she told him he was pregnant. His initial reaction was simply 'abort now, we'll have kids in a few years once we're ready.' This isn't a bad opinion, it's logical and fine, as long as it remains an opinion.
Psychology this year has taught me something about relationship and sex. Men are much, much more likely to have sex with multiple partners than women. The reason is biological and had a lot to do with reproduction. For men, beyond sex, it is a hands off experience. Men have little investment in the process. For them, the best chance to have their genes carried on is to have sex with lots of women. For women on the other hand, having a child is an incredible investment, not just socially and financially (that has more to do with our society) but physically and emotionally. Carrying a child takes a huge strain every day for 9 whole months, plus childbirth which we have evolved too large heads to do without incredible pain and physical injury in many cases. So women are a lot more picky about men and who they sleep with.
This biological explanation does makes sense to me, which is unusual because I usually advocate hard for social factors as being behind patriarchy and gender differences. Which I do believe of course, but science has obviously had success finding genetic and biological causes for things too.
Anyway, I truly believe in 'women's body, women's choice' when it comes to carrying or aborting a baby. I'm not saying it's fair, I couldn't imagine being a man in that situation and I have all the sympathy in the world for men that are but if there is a pregnancy that a man doesn't want, it is 100% right that the woman has control over that decision. And MRA campaigns with guys holding up signs like 'She murdered my baby', 'my ex girlfriend killed my little boy/girl' 'she aborted my child' make me sick. No one, no one, no one can force a women to carry a child. If a woman aborts a child that they do not want, the 'father' has no right to stop her. He cannot force her to be pregnant. This isn't the 16th century. Or the 19th. Or even the 20th sadly enough. Or the 21st in undeveloped countries.
Now lets move on to once the baby is born. This is where I'm focusing my research now, because of course, this is where my friend is headed. The father wants nothing to do with her/it. She is hopefully going to be working enough this summer to qualify for maternity leave, which would be a Godsend (and completely necessary), but I can't work out what the law is on child support. Or the rules on child visitation.
Maybe I'm just really selfish, but I can't imagine having an ex boyfriend father of the child butting in and trying to take my child out and away and spending time with it and trying to parent it. No, my child. Mine.
Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine.
I see myself as one of those really overprotective mothers that tries to do everything right and OTT but probably burns out by the time they get to primary school because in general, I'm such a lazy, non-detail orientated person. Then I'd turn into the 'do what you want' type.
Still, I would hate having to share.
I'd fight so hard not to let him have a relationship with my child. That's selfish huh? But if I brought a little bub into the world, I'd hate letting someone else touch them. I'd want to be the only parent. Can't we do that? I want to be a single mother. Daddy can stay out of the picture.
Now I'll just be a tad hypocritical and say Dad can feel free to pay child support. But no, if they want to see it and I say no, no child support. But if they don't want to be a part of its life, then they should have to pay.
Though this kills me to say, once the baby is born, both parents should have equal rights to it.
God, okay, I don't believe that.
I should. I think it's right, but fuck that. If I have a baby it's mine. Mine mine mine mine mine mine.
No, see that doesn't work. Women are only going to have babies that they want. Otherwise they'd of aborted or given it away. Men, they can do fuck all. They can be dicks and say they don't want it and try to convince their girlfriends to abort and have nothing to do with anything and then see the baby when it's born,. have the alleged 'a man becomes a father the first time he hold it in his arms' moment and then decide to get involved.
That doesn't rub with me.
If a guy wants to be in my baby child's life, they need to be there from the get go. You can't be a kid when you are expected to raise a kid. You have to buck up, be a man and face it. My friend's boyfriend didn't do that so honestly, I don't want him to come back and try again. I couldn't trust a guy like that.
Dreams
I don't understand why I have dreams as fucked up as I do.
What does that say about my mind?
I dreamt that I was in a Hunger Games style competition, with a bunch of people I knew in primary school. I killed some of them. I punched them until their skulls cracked open and they died. I literally bashed their brains in.
I don't know how the competition worked. I can't remember. There were rules...
I have really shitty visual memory/ ability to picture things in my head. You'd think this would mean I wouldn't have vivid dreams but you would be wrong. For one, I'm used to it, and two, I'm creative. This arena was set in almost total darkness. I had this cloth/ blanket over my head. Like a handicap. I'm a cheater though, I just am. I am competitive with loose morals. I used to sneak hundreds out of the bank when I played monopoly. I used to open my eyes and look at shoes in 'Heads down, thumbs up'. I was a cheating brat and little has changed. Especially in dreams.
So, first, not unlike the way I grabbed the biggest plate of pasta the other day, I grabbed the best bag of tools/supplies, put my blanket over my head and set off. It was dark under there, but also dark in the arena. I let the blanket fall back a bit so it was longer at the back and I could kind of see a bit of the ground in front of me. There were people around and they were obstacles.
The arena was somewhere between a huge running track, like with a surrounding stadium. Like, an Olympic field. A cross between that and a classroom, which yes, I recognise is much smaller and totally different. It's a dream.
I remember that there was Hell in the centre. A concrete bunker with a little sister of a girl in my class trapped inside. Like, as a timer, the longer we took to kill each other, the longer she was stuck in hell being tortured and set on fire etc. Whenever the door opened, all you could see was flames and all you could hear was her screaming.
I don't know what the prize was but I'm pretty sure I was winning. When the dream ended (alarm went off), it was like a cut scene, where these people were betting on me, and vowing to help me win, because of something I'd done.
Anyway, I have apocolypic dreams all the time. Literally, every 2 or 3 days. A few days ago. it was like the cold war. Which is weird cos my normal type is more day after tomorrow, weather apocolypse. Volcanoes, tsummanis, tornadoes etc. Anyway, I don't know if the enemy was Russia or China but it was someone and we had sealed ourselves off to protect ourselves from nuclear fallout but we were running out of air and supplies and we weren't sure the barrier would hold. Also we had no chocolate. Eventually, either another country or blackmarket got going and everyone was crowding these stalls and everything was expensive as fuck but I was able to buy a Tim Tam. But my dreams aren't ever just a scene. I have a hell of a lot of backstory and like in real life, vague memories and feelings and attitudes about the past year or two that I'd been living that life. Even if the dream is only acting out a few moments, something generally dramatic, the rest of it is still there in my head. The other night I was on a sinking ship, a cruise ship I'd been counting on to get me off the continent, where crocodiles had pretty much taken over and killed everyone. My version of zombie apocalypse I guess. But I'd been traded money by this older guy who'd joined my makeshift group of survivors and I'd been able to get tickets for me, potential love interest (I don't remember who/if they were part of dream) and a young Asian girl who I was protecting. I know all that, but only the quick exchange of money scene was shown. Then I spent the rest of the dream in a state of terror (imagine Titanic, once the lights were flickering, water had filled all lower levels and everything was creaking and groaning) running further and further into the bowels of the ship, rummaging through mini fridges and kitchenette nooks for food for the little girl. I found avocados and two minute noodles and stuff but then this guy, the ship captain or something stopped me, and we wrestled and I eventually coerced him into letting me leave with some of it, to help the kid.
The closest I ever get to realising I'm dreaming is knowing that I've dreamt the same thing before. My dreams can be like video games. I die one way, ripped to shreds by wild dog/wolves, the next time I go the other path and face crocodiles instead. One time I pull in a ship into port using a rope on one side, it tips over. When I try from the front, it doesn't stop and crashes into the dock etc. I know I've done something before but it doesn't occur to me that I'm dreaming, I just accept it.
I would love to lucid dream though. Actually, writing this entry has made me excited. I know I can't control it but who knows, maybe tonight I'll master it. G'night!
What does that say about my mind?
I dreamt that I was in a Hunger Games style competition, with a bunch of people I knew in primary school. I killed some of them. I punched them until their skulls cracked open and they died. I literally bashed their brains in.
I don't know how the competition worked. I can't remember. There were rules...
I have really shitty visual memory/ ability to picture things in my head. You'd think this would mean I wouldn't have vivid dreams but you would be wrong. For one, I'm used to it, and two, I'm creative. This arena was set in almost total darkness. I had this cloth/ blanket over my head. Like a handicap. I'm a cheater though, I just am. I am competitive with loose morals. I used to sneak hundreds out of the bank when I played monopoly. I used to open my eyes and look at shoes in 'Heads down, thumbs up'. I was a cheating brat and little has changed. Especially in dreams.
So, first, not unlike the way I grabbed the biggest plate of pasta the other day, I grabbed the best bag of tools/supplies, put my blanket over my head and set off. It was dark under there, but also dark in the arena. I let the blanket fall back a bit so it was longer at the back and I could kind of see a bit of the ground in front of me. There were people around and they were obstacles.
The arena was somewhere between a huge running track, like with a surrounding stadium. Like, an Olympic field. A cross between that and a classroom, which yes, I recognise is much smaller and totally different. It's a dream.
I remember that there was Hell in the centre. A concrete bunker with a little sister of a girl in my class trapped inside. Like, as a timer, the longer we took to kill each other, the longer she was stuck in hell being tortured and set on fire etc. Whenever the door opened, all you could see was flames and all you could hear was her screaming.
I don't know what the prize was but I'm pretty sure I was winning. When the dream ended (alarm went off), it was like a cut scene, where these people were betting on me, and vowing to help me win, because of something I'd done.
Anyway, I have apocolypic dreams all the time. Literally, every 2 or 3 days. A few days ago. it was like the cold war. Which is weird cos my normal type is more day after tomorrow, weather apocolypse. Volcanoes, tsummanis, tornadoes etc. Anyway, I don't know if the enemy was Russia or China but it was someone and we had sealed ourselves off to protect ourselves from nuclear fallout but we were running out of air and supplies and we weren't sure the barrier would hold. Also we had no chocolate. Eventually, either another country or blackmarket got going and everyone was crowding these stalls and everything was expensive as fuck but I was able to buy a Tim Tam. But my dreams aren't ever just a scene. I have a hell of a lot of backstory and like in real life, vague memories and feelings and attitudes about the past year or two that I'd been living that life. Even if the dream is only acting out a few moments, something generally dramatic, the rest of it is still there in my head. The other night I was on a sinking ship, a cruise ship I'd been counting on to get me off the continent, where crocodiles had pretty much taken over and killed everyone. My version of zombie apocalypse I guess. But I'd been traded money by this older guy who'd joined my makeshift group of survivors and I'd been able to get tickets for me, potential love interest (I don't remember who/if they were part of dream) and a young Asian girl who I was protecting. I know all that, but only the quick exchange of money scene was shown. Then I spent the rest of the dream in a state of terror (imagine Titanic, once the lights were flickering, water had filled all lower levels and everything was creaking and groaning) running further and further into the bowels of the ship, rummaging through mini fridges and kitchenette nooks for food for the little girl. I found avocados and two minute noodles and stuff but then this guy, the ship captain or something stopped me, and we wrestled and I eventually coerced him into letting me leave with some of it, to help the kid.
The closest I ever get to realising I'm dreaming is knowing that I've dreamt the same thing before. My dreams can be like video games. I die one way, ripped to shreds by wild dog/wolves, the next time I go the other path and face crocodiles instead. One time I pull in a ship into port using a rope on one side, it tips over. When I try from the front, it doesn't stop and crashes into the dock etc. I know I've done something before but it doesn't occur to me that I'm dreaming, I just accept it.
I would love to lucid dream though. Actually, writing this entry has made me excited. I know I can't control it but who knows, maybe tonight I'll master it. G'night!
Thursday, 22 November 2012
social-ness
My social life has actually been going really really well this uni break. I'm very pleased.
I attribute it mainly to sport. Joining basketball team, doing netball and rock climbing. Rock climbing is the biggest social thing, pretty much everyone that I was friendly with back at high school does it, about 10/15 people. And most do it every week so that is cool. Except now it's no longer going to be at student prices so I think I'm going to start doing Zumba Tuesday nights instead. Zumba may be my new thing actually. I already pay 15 dollars a week for boot camp which is run by the same woman, and there is a deal, 25 dollars and I can do as much as I want. So since I'm on holidays, I may do more classes. I do really like Zumba. It's great exercise but it just feels like dancing. I would be doing that with my sorta bff Jess, who I only see once a week.
But now to replace rock climbing I'm doing Tennis on Wednesday mornings, with a few other people. I've never played tennis out of school really, apart from a few times with family etc, but I don't suck at it and no one is that great at it. I'm thinking maybe I could get my group to do it occasionally as well. My group isn't really sporty but tennis is a social game so we'll see... it's also hard cos one of my best friends has a kinda disability which makes playing tennis (something she used to be great at) not an option anymore. Her bf is trying to think of something that she could be more included in, because rockclimbing made her feel left out. He's organising a bike ride right now which will be fun, I may have to borrow my brothers bike but I'll live. 20km bike ride, wooo.
Also another friend wants to start running with me, so that will be interesting. I can probably run farther than her so good for me. One friend wanted to start running with me but then he got hit my a car so he was out of action for quite awhile.
I have a party tonight which will hopefully be fun. I just have to remind myself that these are my friends mostly and to just not be uncomfortable and to enjoy myself. Who cares that I don't love the way I look, I'm still going to swim and be myself and show off the crazy amount of bruises I have right now. Sheesh, between climbing and whacking myself in the arm with my tennis racket, I'm black and blue. And yellow due to various stages of healing. I have so many on the insides of my thighs I feel like the victim of a violent sex crime. Plus one from two days ago right in the centre of my chest so my breast looks totally discoloured. But I have new hair and while I don't love having dark hair, I approve of trying something new. To be honest though, my hair is always my favourite part of how I look and I didn't realise how central it is into how i view myself. Probably because 3 of my best friends all call me blondie. My bffl attempted to call me brownie but I was like no. Brown hair just isn't striking in the same way as blonde. But it's nice to know that I've tried it and now know what I look like with dark hair. It'll just be my summer look.
I don't know if I'm going to be drinking tonight. I figured I would, but I don't feel like buying alcohol really, I'm not rich right now. Planning trips and needing a new computer, along with not working much... not to mention, I do spend a lot of money on sport.
I suppose the online dating thing is also giving a new edge to my social life. Both I probably could have met up with either yesterday or tomorrow. It's one of their birthdays tomorrow and he asked if we could meet up. Since I have this party tonight in Shellharbour and most likely will be hungover tomorrow, I said probably not, but I don't know. I'm still enjoying the conversation. I approve of the slight anxiety I get after sending a text or saying something kinda cute or flirty. Either way, it's a chance to stretch my flirting muscles. I need to work out what I do right/wrong.
I attribute it mainly to sport. Joining basketball team, doing netball and rock climbing. Rock climbing is the biggest social thing, pretty much everyone that I was friendly with back at high school does it, about 10/15 people. And most do it every week so that is cool. Except now it's no longer going to be at student prices so I think I'm going to start doing Zumba Tuesday nights instead. Zumba may be my new thing actually. I already pay 15 dollars a week for boot camp which is run by the same woman, and there is a deal, 25 dollars and I can do as much as I want. So since I'm on holidays, I may do more classes. I do really like Zumba. It's great exercise but it just feels like dancing. I would be doing that with my sorta bff Jess, who I only see once a week.
But now to replace rock climbing I'm doing Tennis on Wednesday mornings, with a few other people. I've never played tennis out of school really, apart from a few times with family etc, but I don't suck at it and no one is that great at it. I'm thinking maybe I could get my group to do it occasionally as well. My group isn't really sporty but tennis is a social game so we'll see... it's also hard cos one of my best friends has a kinda disability which makes playing tennis (something she used to be great at) not an option anymore. Her bf is trying to think of something that she could be more included in, because rockclimbing made her feel left out. He's organising a bike ride right now which will be fun, I may have to borrow my brothers bike but I'll live. 20km bike ride, wooo.
Also another friend wants to start running with me, so that will be interesting. I can probably run farther than her so good for me. One friend wanted to start running with me but then he got hit my a car so he was out of action for quite awhile.
I have a party tonight which will hopefully be fun. I just have to remind myself that these are my friends mostly and to just not be uncomfortable and to enjoy myself. Who cares that I don't love the way I look, I'm still going to swim and be myself and show off the crazy amount of bruises I have right now. Sheesh, between climbing and whacking myself in the arm with my tennis racket, I'm black and blue. And yellow due to various stages of healing. I have so many on the insides of my thighs I feel like the victim of a violent sex crime. Plus one from two days ago right in the centre of my chest so my breast looks totally discoloured. But I have new hair and while I don't love having dark hair, I approve of trying something new. To be honest though, my hair is always my favourite part of how I look and I didn't realise how central it is into how i view myself. Probably because 3 of my best friends all call me blondie. My bffl attempted to call me brownie but I was like no. Brown hair just isn't striking in the same way as blonde. But it's nice to know that I've tried it and now know what I look like with dark hair. It'll just be my summer look.
I don't know if I'm going to be drinking tonight. I figured I would, but I don't feel like buying alcohol really, I'm not rich right now. Planning trips and needing a new computer, along with not working much... not to mention, I do spend a lot of money on sport.
I suppose the online dating thing is also giving a new edge to my social life. Both I probably could have met up with either yesterday or tomorrow. It's one of their birthdays tomorrow and he asked if we could meet up. Since I have this party tonight in Shellharbour and most likely will be hungover tomorrow, I said probably not, but I don't know. I'm still enjoying the conversation. I approve of the slight anxiety I get after sending a text or saying something kinda cute or flirty. Either way, it's a chance to stretch my flirting muscles. I need to work out what I do right/wrong.
I don't get it when people think it's cute or attractive when someone is bad at something. Like, if you go iceskating and one person is always falling about and the other one has to catch them and they have to go really slowly wobbling about on the ice holding hands.
To be honest, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. Though actually, I've done that at camp in Year 8. It was my birthday and he was the hottest boy ever and I got my first kiss on the cheek and we held hands going around and I redid his laces because he didn't know what he was doing and they weren't tight enough and my best friend got jealous cos he was skating with me so I won that evening (we had a points system- sue us, we were 13). Actually, I turned 14 that day I think. It was my birthday.
Wow that was a good day.
But anyway, off topic. It was actually sparked because there are new spoilers today for Glee-- Kurt and Blaine iceskating in New York, Blaine can do it/ Kurt can't. Or maybe just Darren can and Chris can't, I don't know. But everyone is squeeing and in this case, I don't get it.
Well, actually, there is so much about fandom that I don't get. Maybe that can be this entries topic. I was going to ramble on about how hot is it when guys are good at stuff, but I've done that before. Wht can I say, if I go iceskating, I want a guy that can race me around the rink and skate backwards at least a little bit. Omg, I've so freaking picky.
Okay- other things in fandom.
Why OTP's are generally always focused on two older, white men who are generally strong, powerful, capable and usually at least one is complete Alpha Male. My theory is that it's because these shows like Supernatural, while not originally intended to have the intense and almost complete female demographic 18-35 that they do, means that women characters do not survive very long on television. It's a sexism thing, but it's internalised. It's a 'why do girls hate other girls so damn much?' question. Girls hate random bitches getting between their boys. Even if it's Supernatural and those boys are brothers. That's the relationship we want to see. Girls love bromances. Girls love hardcore "I'll die for you" promises, can't live without you, 'you understand me better than anyone else in the world' relationships. Shippers live for that. And generally since it's all subtextual, it doesn't get fucked up. I mean, if you bring in a girl and try the same thing, it can work. Think, Tiva (kinda, I'm not really on that bandwagon, Tony/Gibbs is my brand of heroin) or Barney/Robyn, I haven't seen X files but I assume Scully/Mulder (are those the right names idk). Lizzy/Gordo, I don't know, Brittana, whatever else I watch. People want the relationships that aren't meant to happen because it means that the writers are developing the relationship naturally and unintentionally, which means that while subtextual, it means that wherever the shipping starts, it is organic. You see it cos it's there, intended or not. And fans do not like being pushed into liking new relationships. It's not like real life exactly. Whoever they are first with is basically who people want them to stay with.
I ship best friends pairings most of the time, whether best bros, most profound bond, even like Sora/Riku for just being the competitive growing up together bros. I mean, I do it in real life too. I hate this getting to know you stage. I can barely even stand it in TV shows. You know what I want. History. Fun memories and past experiences. I just hate the getting there when it's awkward and you don't have a reason to care yet. I keep ignoring BOTH the guys I'm supposed to be getting to know. I don't know why, I just can't be bothered to do anything about it. I don't know them so they don't stack up against anyone I do know. Which leads me into dangerous sulky 'I want you-know-who' territory. Not that that is even a thing, but I was at the trust with everything stage with him and I like that stage. God damnit,
If I wasn't such a lazy, scared, unenthusiastic person, I could be meeting one of them tomorrow. But I am terrified so I don't want to. Update: I think he's kinda annoyed at me for just ignoring him for the last few days. Oh well. I can't decide what I want to do. Both of them want to meet me but I just want to leave it as is.
I just want to date somebody that I already know and that's at wollongong uni and that's smart and not super into going out drinking. I feel like that isn't that high a standard. But then I remember that I also have to find them attractive and be able to talk to them and they need to have similar politics and then I think it's impossible.
Like, today I hung out with a guy I know but have never really talked to much, from my high school. He and I, as well as my bffl and another girl were playing tennis this morning, then went to my bffls and got lunch and watched Inception (which wasn't as amazing as I expected) and who knows, maybe he'll become something of a person of interest. He has awesome arms and a nice smile.
Who knows. Oh the possibilities.
To be honest, that really doesn't appeal to me at all. Though actually, I've done that at camp in Year 8. It was my birthday and he was the hottest boy ever and I got my first kiss on the cheek and we held hands going around and I redid his laces because he didn't know what he was doing and they weren't tight enough and my best friend got jealous cos he was skating with me so I won that evening (we had a points system- sue us, we were 13). Actually, I turned 14 that day I think. It was my birthday.
Wow that was a good day.
But anyway, off topic. It was actually sparked because there are new spoilers today for Glee-- Kurt and Blaine iceskating in New York, Blaine can do it/ Kurt can't. Or maybe just Darren can and Chris can't, I don't know. But everyone is squeeing and in this case, I don't get it.
Well, actually, there is so much about fandom that I don't get. Maybe that can be this entries topic. I was going to ramble on about how hot is it when guys are good at stuff, but I've done that before. Wht can I say, if I go iceskating, I want a guy that can race me around the rink and skate backwards at least a little bit. Omg, I've so freaking picky.
Okay- other things in fandom.
Why OTP's are generally always focused on two older, white men who are generally strong, powerful, capable and usually at least one is complete Alpha Male. My theory is that it's because these shows like Supernatural, while not originally intended to have the intense and almost complete female demographic 18-35 that they do, means that women characters do not survive very long on television. It's a sexism thing, but it's internalised. It's a 'why do girls hate other girls so damn much?' question. Girls hate random bitches getting between their boys. Even if it's Supernatural and those boys are brothers. That's the relationship we want to see. Girls love bromances. Girls love hardcore "I'll die for you" promises, can't live without you, 'you understand me better than anyone else in the world' relationships. Shippers live for that. And generally since it's all subtextual, it doesn't get fucked up. I mean, if you bring in a girl and try the same thing, it can work. Think, Tiva (kinda, I'm not really on that bandwagon, Tony/Gibbs is my brand of heroin) or Barney/Robyn, I haven't seen X files but I assume Scully/Mulder (are those the right names idk). Lizzy/Gordo, I don't know, Brittana, whatever else I watch. People want the relationships that aren't meant to happen because it means that the writers are developing the relationship naturally and unintentionally, which means that while subtextual, it means that wherever the shipping starts, it is organic. You see it cos it's there, intended or not. And fans do not like being pushed into liking new relationships. It's not like real life exactly. Whoever they are first with is basically who people want them to stay with.
I ship best friends pairings most of the time, whether best bros, most profound bond, even like Sora/Riku for just being the competitive growing up together bros. I mean, I do it in real life too. I hate this getting to know you stage. I can barely even stand it in TV shows. You know what I want. History. Fun memories and past experiences. I just hate the getting there when it's awkward and you don't have a reason to care yet. I keep ignoring BOTH the guys I'm supposed to be getting to know. I don't know why, I just can't be bothered to do anything about it. I don't know them so they don't stack up against anyone I do know. Which leads me into dangerous sulky 'I want you-know-who' territory. Not that that is even a thing, but I was at the trust with everything stage with him and I like that stage. God damnit,
If I wasn't such a lazy, scared, unenthusiastic person, I could be meeting one of them tomorrow. But I am terrified so I don't want to. Update: I think he's kinda annoyed at me for just ignoring him for the last few days. Oh well. I can't decide what I want to do. Both of them want to meet me but I just want to leave it as is.
I just want to date somebody that I already know and that's at wollongong uni and that's smart and not super into going out drinking. I feel like that isn't that high a standard. But then I remember that I also have to find them attractive and be able to talk to them and they need to have similar politics and then I think it's impossible.
Like, today I hung out with a guy I know but have never really talked to much, from my high school. He and I, as well as my bffl and another girl were playing tennis this morning, then went to my bffls and got lunch and watched Inception (which wasn't as amazing as I expected) and who knows, maybe he'll become something of a person of interest. He has awesome arms and a nice smile.
Who knows. Oh the possibilities.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Disagreeable.
I hate it when I chuck out progress.
This is a you-know-who entry.
I am incredibly frustrated with myself.
It's because I'm trying to move on, in a productive way. I have boys that I talk to and that want to get to know me and you know, date and kiss and all that. Well, not just friendship. Beyond that, for all I know they really just want to get into my pants.
But... I can't do it. I can't make myself like them and be enthusiastic about it. I can't make myself want to be with them.
With one, I am a hypocrite. If he gives me an opinion that I think is wrong, like, dead wrong, I call him out on it. I do this because I don't care if he likes me or not, so I'm not risking anything. And I know that if he doesn't change his stupid/ignorant opinion, I'm not going to talk to him again, ignorance is the ultimate turn off. But then, the second biggest turn off is people that just nod and agree when I speak. I want to argue like I want to breathe. But if he argues, he's wrong and if he doesn't, he's not assertive enough for me to be attracted to him.
It's a catch 22 and he can't win. There is literally no way I can see that he could have manuevered that situation gracefully.
And the fact that he likes me means I don't like him. He's too clingy and he's not my type and he seems needy and the guy that complains 'I care more for you than you do for me' and they'd be right, because they're a nice guy but they expect too much and it's the 'I did this for you, so therefore you should do this for me' type expectation, and I would chafe under that.
The other guy, I did like a lot more. He was confident enough to flirt and he likes books and tv shows and sport. He was perfect and for that one day we talked and I avoided study, I actually got excited about him.
But then he stopped replying and I assumed since it was not that long after we started talking on facebook that he just didn't like my photos, decided I wasn't worth his time and I wouldn't hear from him again. But then he did message me again. And I blew him off pretty quick. And then we talked again today, after I'd ignored his previous message and it went well and we got to this 'let's meet up' stage but he lives pretty far away but I think he's going to make a plan to come down and we'll meet somewhere like a coffee shop and get a drink and talk or whatever, and then maybe go to my house and watch NCIS. I think that's the plan, kinda.
I don't know if I want this.
I mean, I do.
But I just... I thought he didn't like me and my automatic reaction to that is 'well, fuck you, I don't like you either' and I guess... now I don't like him much. But he still is good.
And I just keep thinking about you-know-who and I don't know. It's been a year since he and I were in any way connected and I want to move on.
HIMYM has taught me very recently that you know you've moved on the first time you start to get the excited tingles/crush for someone else. And in this whole year, I've really not gotten it. Now I should be, but I haven't and so he lingers with me. So many songs I listen to and think, I want to sing this with him and make him think about these lyrics and me and I want to watch him as he does.
I wish I was on Glee, because only a VERY small fraction of my musical fantasies ever get played out through Singstar.
Anyway, when I think about these guys, and what I want, I jsut think of him and it's ridiculous. You know how I said no one could navigate through the stupid double standards I have?
Well, either he miraculously did it, or he was the one that spurned them. I think the latter. For example, the arguing thing?
My ex boyfriend? Pushover.
You-know-who? I barely ever win. Ever. (I was going to say something else here but TMI)
Either way, I know which I prefer, and it's not backing down from an arguement to reduce stress.
I think I really am going to be one of those people that really gets into angry/made up sex, because I find generally that the more someone pisses me off, the more I tend to like them. Probably TMI there as well... oh well.
I don't know. You-know-who kind of made a bunch of exceptions I had into rules and know I don't know what I like and it's confusing but I just compare people to him and I don't know if it's a fair comparison but they never measure up.
Because I do want someone new and I do want to kiss someone and be with someone and be a couple and argh, I don't even. And I know looks barely matter when you really like someone. I chose you know who over Chord Overstreet for goodness sake, at one point, hypothetically. That was love talking, dude, cos seriously, no comparison.
But these guys I don't know so it's so objective and they are like....okay, this is mean. Like, a 5 and a 7. I shouldn't use the number system I know. It's a girl thing, it makes it easier. It's just an automatic number that takes like 2 seconds to decide.
So I don't forgive them little things like not liking TV shows or being overly-needy or just being downright agreeable, I just end up like 'meh'.
EDIT:
Oh my god. I worked it out. The arguing thing. I worked out how boys do it right. It's when they're right at least half the time. Or at least, it's ambiguous to the point where I feel I'm slightly wrong but can keep arguing despite that. I need to learn a lesson but not go down admitting I was wrong (that's never going to happen. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. FIGHT THE POWER (etc).
I don't care if a guy is rude or kind of douche-y. This is the asshole effect. I like guys confident enough to tell me I'm wrong and be kind of right about it.
I don't know what that says about me but there you go. I'm going to be a 'I hate you- no, kiss me, no- fuck you, you're such an idiot- why do I like you- don't stop kissing me, dumbass- type person.
What am I saying, that is exactly how I am.
Fuck.
This is a you-know-who entry.
I am incredibly frustrated with myself.
It's because I'm trying to move on, in a productive way. I have boys that I talk to and that want to get to know me and you know, date and kiss and all that. Well, not just friendship. Beyond that, for all I know they really just want to get into my pants.
But... I can't do it. I can't make myself like them and be enthusiastic about it. I can't make myself want to be with them.
With one, I am a hypocrite. If he gives me an opinion that I think is wrong, like, dead wrong, I call him out on it. I do this because I don't care if he likes me or not, so I'm not risking anything. And I know that if he doesn't change his stupid/ignorant opinion, I'm not going to talk to him again, ignorance is the ultimate turn off. But then, the second biggest turn off is people that just nod and agree when I speak. I want to argue like I want to breathe. But if he argues, he's wrong and if he doesn't, he's not assertive enough for me to be attracted to him.
It's a catch 22 and he can't win. There is literally no way I can see that he could have manuevered that situation gracefully.
And the fact that he likes me means I don't like him. He's too clingy and he's not my type and he seems needy and the guy that complains 'I care more for you than you do for me' and they'd be right, because they're a nice guy but they expect too much and it's the 'I did this for you, so therefore you should do this for me' type expectation, and I would chafe under that.
The other guy, I did like a lot more. He was confident enough to flirt and he likes books and tv shows and sport. He was perfect and for that one day we talked and I avoided study, I actually got excited about him.
But then he stopped replying and I assumed since it was not that long after we started talking on facebook that he just didn't like my photos, decided I wasn't worth his time and I wouldn't hear from him again. But then he did message me again. And I blew him off pretty quick. And then we talked again today, after I'd ignored his previous message and it went well and we got to this 'let's meet up' stage but he lives pretty far away but I think he's going to make a plan to come down and we'll meet somewhere like a coffee shop and get a drink and talk or whatever, and then maybe go to my house and watch NCIS. I think that's the plan, kinda.
I don't know if I want this.
I mean, I do.
But I just... I thought he didn't like me and my automatic reaction to that is 'well, fuck you, I don't like you either' and I guess... now I don't like him much. But he still is good.
And I just keep thinking about you-know-who and I don't know. It's been a year since he and I were in any way connected and I want to move on.
HIMYM has taught me very recently that you know you've moved on the first time you start to get the excited tingles/crush for someone else. And in this whole year, I've really not gotten it. Now I should be, but I haven't and so he lingers with me. So many songs I listen to and think, I want to sing this with him and make him think about these lyrics and me and I want to watch him as he does.
I wish I was on Glee, because only a VERY small fraction of my musical fantasies ever get played out through Singstar.
Anyway, when I think about these guys, and what I want, I jsut think of him and it's ridiculous. You know how I said no one could navigate through the stupid double standards I have?
Well, either he miraculously did it, or he was the one that spurned them. I think the latter. For example, the arguing thing?
My ex boyfriend? Pushover.
You-know-who? I barely ever win. Ever. (I was going to say something else here but TMI)
Either way, I know which I prefer, and it's not backing down from an arguement to reduce stress.
I think I really am going to be one of those people that really gets into angry/made up sex, because I find generally that the more someone pisses me off, the more I tend to like them. Probably TMI there as well... oh well.
I don't know. You-know-who kind of made a bunch of exceptions I had into rules and know I don't know what I like and it's confusing but I just compare people to him and I don't know if it's a fair comparison but they never measure up.
Because I do want someone new and I do want to kiss someone and be with someone and be a couple and argh, I don't even. And I know looks barely matter when you really like someone. I chose you know who over Chord Overstreet for goodness sake, at one point, hypothetically. That was love talking, dude, cos seriously, no comparison.
But these guys I don't know so it's so objective and they are like....okay, this is mean. Like, a 5 and a 7. I shouldn't use the number system I know. It's a girl thing, it makes it easier. It's just an automatic number that takes like 2 seconds to decide.
So I don't forgive them little things like not liking TV shows or being overly-needy or just being downright agreeable, I just end up like 'meh'.
EDIT:
Oh my god. I worked it out. The arguing thing. I worked out how boys do it right. It's when they're right at least half the time. Or at least, it's ambiguous to the point where I feel I'm slightly wrong but can keep arguing despite that. I need to learn a lesson but not go down admitting I was wrong (that's never going to happen. NEVER SHOW WEAKNESS. FIGHT THE POWER (etc).
I don't care if a guy is rude or kind of douche-y. This is the asshole effect. I like guys confident enough to tell me I'm wrong and be kind of right about it.
I don't know what that says about me but there you go. I'm going to be a 'I hate you- no, kiss me, no- fuck you, you're such an idiot- why do I like you- don't stop kissing me, dumbass- type person.
What am I saying, that is exactly how I am.
Fuck.
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