Friendship

Friendship dynamics are competitive.

Maybe more for me than regular people, I don't know. Maybe it's just me that takes it too seriously but I don't think so. TO an extent maybe, when I used to ask "so if you love me this much, how much do you like so-and-so?" I do like being validated.

I have lots of good friends. Lots of best friends. I feel like the word best friend should lose some meaning really, but it doesn't.

"Best friend" isn't a position, it's a level of friendship. It's the no holds barred, bare your soul, comfortable to be yourself and change in front of them or ask for eggs for breakfast when they say 'do you want toast?' or be like 'you have plans today? no? oh good, then you're hanging out with me, fun right?" Best friends is like, being able to ask for things and it's the level when you don't mind shouting them something or keeping track of who owes who or sharing things.

I rack up best friends, its funny. I don't make friends easily but best friends comes easily to me. Maybe due to the competitiveness thing. "To be loved is nothing, it is to be preferred that I desire."

The way I see it though, it that I have 3 or4 ish people who have told me recently 'you're my best friend' and that's great, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, but at the same time, the only level higher than best friend is boyfriend and most of my best friends have those so I need  more than one bff for the times when bff is absent.

My bffs are mostly by bffl, Mia. I spend a lot of time with her. We're convenient and we have a system that works for us. But lately I've realised (mostly through the fact that we had a sleepover last night and stayed up all night talking, that my BH (my better half) [I'm EH, evil half- these are really old nicknames] actually would like to hang out more and that she is actually quite lonely. She stresses over uni a lot and can be kind of unapproachable sometimes so we leave her to it a lot of the time but when she tells me that she has actually said to her boyfriend 'you are the only friend I have' because she feels that I/we are not being there for her, that sucks. We just need to put more effort in with her, because I love this girl, man.

Anyway, she now feels like a third wheel with me and Mia. And Mia feels like a 3rd wheel with her and our 4th friend. And I feel like a 3rd wheel when... actually, I don't. These are my closest friends and I got lucky, I reached ultimate comfort level.

Still, it's always competitive a bit, who slept over with who, who spent the day together, who works together, who has plans, who went up to Sydney and got a whole bunch of cute photos together and forgot to invite the others, who knows what secrets.

Then you have to be delicate about what you can reveal to the others. Like, if one friend is uncomfortable and you know why, but the other friend doesn't, how do you deal with that?

Then sometimes it's dealing with friends who are more popular than you, that have other friends. So they don't tell you about parties and things they're invited to, cos you weren't. I get satisfaction when I am invited though.

Anyways, this post was just something I was thinking about these last few days, cos I've been around my 3 besties in different combos a bunch of times and it's odd to realise the way people change around each other and that sort of thing.

15

I love me some question lists. I don't know what number I'm up to.... 15? Copied list from a friend....

1. Who was the last person you texted?

Eyebrows. Online friend. Bit of a creeper but what can I say, I like to talk about myself and he likes to listen.

2. When is your birthday?

7th December 1993

3. Who do you want to be with right now?

My dogs.... that would be nice.

4. What sports do you play?

Netball and basketball are the only real team sports. The rest is all individual.

5. Who is the first person in your contacts?

Myself... idk why, my phone just formats it like that.

6. What is your favourite song as of the moment?

But it changes like every two days... right now it's Everybody Talks by Neon Trees.

7. If you were stranded on an island, who do would you wish to be with?

Oliver Queen, cos he was stuck on an island and seemed to do okay for himself. Then because he's a bazillionaire when he gets rescued by the masses of search teams looking for him, he will have kept me safe/full and will have fallen in love with me.

8. What How do you feel right now?

Achy. Rock climbing owww. Got a bunch of bruises forming, I can feel it.

9. What Which chocolate is your favourite?

Clinkers. Clinkers clinkers clinkers.

10. How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have have you had?

Two.

11. Why did you create a Tumblr account?

So I could follow an aweomse fanfic "Learning to Dance". It was a Tup ship, from the Starkid musical Starship and it was brilliant.

12. Who is your favourite blogger?

I have lots. She is pretty cool though. First one I thought of.

13. Where do you want to be right now?

Right here lol.

14. What do you want to be in the future?

A psychologist, hopefully working with autistic children. I think I'd be good at that.

15. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Don't remember.

16. Are you happy?

Yeah, pretty sure. Not thrilled or excited but happy is my general state of mind :)

17. Who do you miss?

My dad. My dogs. My netball girls.

18. If you were given a the chance, would you like to have a different life?

I'd like to trial  run it first.

19. What was the best thing you were you've been given?

A loving and supportiv family.

20. Who was the last person who called you?

Mego, confirming plans for tomorrow night.

21. What is your favourite dish?

....of food? I like....steak and chips. Yum.

22. Who is your bestfriend best friend?

I have a lot so that's hard... Mia is my bffl. I see her most days, I feel almost completely comfortable with her and her family and being at her house and with my secrets and thoughts and actions. I'm her bffl too. I have Megan, who is my most special friend. She's the Brittany to my Santana, I always want to be with her and hug her and protect her and make sure she is happy. I trust her with everything and could never not love her. Bri is best friends with me cos I'm her best friend. Jess is best friends with me cos she's been my bestie since Year 7. Neeby and I are best friends in the 'I'm best friends with you and you and you. We're all best friends!' way. It's complicated. Then for a while you-know-who was my best guy friend. I mean, still is, but he was actually making bff status.

23. What is your biggest regret?

I don't know. You'd think it'd be obvious but it's not. I don't regret things really, apart from the cringe worthy embarrassing stuff and I can't think of a particular incident right now. All the bad decisions, I did them for a reason and I usually got something out of them.

24. Have you ever cheated Did you ever cheat on your partner?

Depends on your definition I guess, but no.

25. Who do you spend crazy moments with?

Miaaaaa

26. Name someone pretty.

Jennifer Lawrence.

27. Who was the last person you hugged?

Megan.

28. What kind of music do you listen to?

Pop, chart hits etc. Taylor Swift, Pink, The Script, Skillet, Kelly Clarkson, The Fray...

29. Are you over your past?

Sure.

30. Who is the last person in your contacts?

Work.

31. What kind of person do you want to date?

Someone smart, sporty, passionate about something. Prettyyyy.

32. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Never.

33. From whom was the last text message you received?

Megan.

34. What do you prefer: jeans or skirt?

Skirt.

35. How’s your heart?

Stubborn. But good.

36. Did you ever have Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a "J"?

Nope.

37. Do you like someone as of at the moment?

Nope.

38. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?

Same random crap I say the rest of time I suppose. I sent him a link to porn yesterday. KInd of accidently. It was a pornstars that look like the cast of supernatural tumblr and okay, I was interested. But I'd only seen like a few really softcore things when I sent the link, then I realised I'd just got lucky thus far, it was basically all just porn. And he has a girlfriend now so it was weird. I didn't mean it to be though.

39. Do you have any phobias?

No....

40. Did you try to change for a person?

Only to make myself seem nicer, wittier, more interesting, smart etc. I'm still always me, just... better.

41. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?

Idk, I try to do sweet things when I can, like friendship bracelets etc. Let's just be more conceptual and say love or something lame.

42. Would you go back to your previous relationship?

No times a million.

43. Are you in a good or bad mood?

Good.

44. Name someone you can’t live without.

Mum. But I mean, I could. If it happened, I don't think I'd drop dead.

45. Describe your dream date.

Walking along the beach at night, being lame and kicking water at each other and lots and lots of kissing.

46. Describe your dream wedding.

All my friends there, looking pretty, handsome husband to be, mostly just feeling of being sure and being over the moon with giddiness.

47. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?

One I think. I don't even remember. Maybe none.

48. Have you ever been kissed?

Sure.

49. How long is was your longest relationship?

Six months.

50. Do you regret your past?

No, not really.

51. Can Would you do something stupid for someone else?

I do dumb things all the times so sure.

52. Have you ever cried over someone?

Yes.

53. Do you have a grudge against anyone?

Yes. I'm great at grudges.

54. Are you a crybaby?

Yes, I cry heaps.

55. Do people praise you for your looks?

It isn't unheard of.

56. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?

Sure.

57. Have you ever done something bad but that you don’t regret?

Absolutely. Some of the best things I've ever done were bad. I don't care.

58. Do you like getting hurt?

No.... unless it's like bruises and things from sport or physical activity. Then I'm proud of them.

59. Does anyone hate you?

I don't think so.

60. Did you slap Have you ever slapped anyone whose name starts with an “R”?

...Yes, Ryan. To be fair, I was young and he was an asshole.

61. What hair colour do you prefer?

Blonde.

62. If you can could change anything about yourself, what is it?

Either looks or awkwardness. But I'm pretty attached to my personality really, as lame as it is.

63. Do you love someone as of at the moment?

No one new.

64. Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

Never.

65. Do you have issues with somebody in your school university?

Nope.

66. Can Could you live without internet?

I wouldn't want to.

 67. What’s the song that remind[s] you of your special someone?

Can I give you a 100 song playlist? Top of the list are Over My Head, by the Fray, Take A Bow, by Rihanna, Tell Me Why, by Taylor Swift (and just anything by her ever) and lately, All Coming Back To Me Now, by Celine Dion.

68. Are you good at holding back your tears?

Not if my life depended on it.

69. Are you a crybaby?

Sure.

70. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?

Kind of.

71. Are you a KPOP fan?

No, Jpop to an extent.

72. Do you study hard?

Yes.

73. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?

Yes.

74. Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?

Kind of. But not really, it's on the list of weather conditions I want to kiss under.

75. Have you ever ridden a boat?

Yes... lots of times.

76. Did you have an accident last year?

I'm sure I fell a bunch of times. Sprained a few ankles.

77. What kind of person are you?

Smart, awkward, weird, honest.

78. Have you ever thought of killing someone?

No, not really.

79. Have you ever been jealous?

Sure.

80. How can you prove your love to someone?

Being there for them, being their friend, putting their needs before you

81. What are you thinking right now?

That this question list is frigging long. Can I sleep yet?

82. Who is the 6th person in your contacts?

Corey.

83. Do you have any memories you want to erase?

Nah.

84. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?

Nah, I like words.

85. Did you ever badmouth someone?

All the time.

86. Have you ever had an argument with someone?

I'm sure I have today. Probably a bunch.

87. Do you have trust issues?

  Nope, I trust easily.

88. Are you broken-hearted?

Nah. Patched up pretty good. Scar still stings a tad though.

89. Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions "love"?

You know who, duh.

90. Do you think all the pain is worth it?

Of course. Life is wonderful.

91. Do you believe in the phrase "If it’s meant to be, it will be"?

No. Life fucks up a lot.

92. Who do you want to marry?

Someone awesome.

93. Do you believe in destiny?

Nah bro.

94. Have you ever thought "I already found my soulmate"?

Nope. Never been quite so convinced.

95. How do you look right now?

Hot, duh. Also tired.

96. Do you believe that first true love never dies?

Possibly. Feels that way, ay.

97. Have you found your true love?

I have many true loves.... have I ever found one? Yeah, maybe.

98. What should you be doing right now?

Sleeping.

99. Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.

Garvinh

100. Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

Occasionally. Not really though. Cos good enough for whom? Myself maybe, but I don't think my friends give a damn. They love me as I am.

Television shows should not be able to give me the amount of feels that does.

Just watched HIMYM. Barney broke up with Nick, Robyn's boyfriend for her, by bursting into the restaurant she was trying and failing to end it with him and declaring his love for her.

"She can't go home with you Nick. Because Robyn and I are in love."

"Barney, what are you doing here?"

"Taking care of something you clearly can't do. I'm sorry but you and Robyn are done.

I love her Nick! I love everything about her and I'm not a guy that says that lightly. I'm the guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt. But this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break even if I wanted to. 

And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows."

 THE FEELS. And then after!

"I'll give you this, you were pretty convincing."

"What can I say, tricking good looking idiots is kind of my thing."

"No, Barney, I mean, you were really convincing."

"Please, I was bro-ing you out. I'm just glad he bought it so quick. Any longer... I'd of had to kiss you."

AND THEN EYES FLICKING TO LIPS AND HEAD TILTING AND THEN THE PHONE FUCKING RANG AND THEN MOMENT WAS OVER ASJKLKGFDFGHJK

Ultimate cockblock. So many feels.

Supernatural is giving me feels as well, but not until Thursday. Then I am going to be sobbing and screaming and keyboard smashing and crying. Lots of crying. But hopefully happy tears. I need a Destiel reunion like I need air.

NCIS and New Girl tomorrow, then SPN and Modern Family Thursday, then Glee (always the feels) and TBBT on Friday.

I love my life.
 

question list

1. Do you sleep in your bra? 
Sometimes. I'm lazy.
2. Does your dad know you like boys yet?
I'm pretty sure I have given him that impression. Last time we talked he asked me "So, any new boys? Girls? No judgement." I rolled my eyes.
3. Do you enjoy drama?
Doesn't everyone enjoy drama. If not, than yes, I do.
4. Are you a girly girl?
I have girly girl facets for sure. I like make up and heels and I like dolls and pretty things. But I also like mud and fighting and rough sports so I fall pretty middle of the spectrum really.
5. Small or large purses?
Large, so I can fit all my shit in.
6. Are you short?
Average sigh. I was short.
7. Do you like somebody?
Well, I have this guy who I have nicknamed my soul mate but no, not really. It's a preemptive nickname.
8. Do you like Halloween?
I'm pretty much ambivalent.
9. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
I have no idea. In the cupboard a lot when I was a kid.
10. Is there any type of rumour going around about you?
Not that I know of lol. I'm pretty scandalous normally.
11. Do you call anybody by their last name?
No lol.
12. What colour is the bra that you're wearing?
Orange and white stripes.
13. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Light but I' m really not that picky with hair colour. I'm more attracted to certain ethnicities (RACIST) than hair colour, as far as features go.
14. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
I am always frustrated with a boy.
15. Do you have a best friend?
Miaaaaa. I have lots of best friends though. It's awesome.
16. Have you ever had your heart broken?
*Looks around at blog* Yeah, I'd say that was accurate.
17. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Not really. I don't have like one thing that I hate.
18. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
I can't remember. I've definietly gone swimming at the beach in clothes. I've always had that fantasy of being chucked in by a guy i like before but it's never eventuated thus far. Ah well hahaha.
19. How long have you had a Tumblr?
About a year and a half maybe?
20. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Yes.... I am sorry for that.
21. What are your biggest fears?
Being not good enough. Being alone.
22. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Like, once in a blue moon and when I do, at least half of my mind is appreciating the drama of it all.
23. Do you believe in the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"?
I'd say there's a correlation but only a mild one between people that cheat once and cheat again.
24. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Occasionally, doesn't everyone?
25. Are you currently missing someone?
Not particularly.
26. Who are you texting right now?
Right right now? No one. lately, one of my internet boys. Nicknamed eyebrows. Is that a mean nickname do you think cos it's hard to keep everyone straight without nicknames.

I'm trying to think of a topic I have a problem talking about on my blog.

It's hard because there isn't that much. Honestly, I am an open person.

Apart from some sex stuff - and again, that's all relative because I still do share a fair bit, just not all- I'm wondering what I really don't share.

I'm trying to ask myself what is it that you fear? What terrifies you right to the core of your being?

I don't know, what that is. If anything.

I have normal fears and concerns but I can brush them all off pretty well.

Scared of being alone when I'm an adult and never having a significant other and a family and kids? If it happens, I'll always have dogs. I'll always adopt. I'll become a foster carer. I'll go into teaching. I'll be a child psychologist or work with special needs children. I'll be godparent to other children and be there for them 100%. I'll always have friends. I'll always have family.

So I don't need to worry about that. Not really. If things go wrong or off plan, they can't turn too badly that I will have an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And of course things could go wrong, endless possibilities.

I could end up with a bad job I hate, or a bad partner, or a partner that dies tragically, or something else that causes me life long sorrow but you know what, I can't be scared of that, it's just imagination. Nothing points to any of that happening.

Am I scared of being a bad person? Sometimes. I'm selfish, I don't always text back and I always want the bigger half of things and I like attention too much and I'm a follower and I kissed a guy with a girlfriend because I decided I was more important than her and tonight I didn't offer to drive to pick up my brothers pizza and made mum do it and I ignore my mum when she cries and I'm not there for her and I never pick up the clothes on the bathroom floor or wipe down the dining table before she gets home.

I'm a shitty person sometimes and sure, that scares me but I don't think I'm irredeemable.

Right now I have a tension headache from a fanfiction I'm reading. It's upsetting and I'm not crying so... yeah, headache.

Fanfic is funny that way. It makes me cry, it gives me the stomach flipping over feeling that is like a mix between cute oh-the-intimacy feels and oh-god-that's-hot feels. Destiel is where I get a majority of those. It's the driving over the hill above train tracks feeling where your stomach goes up then down. And then sometimes you get double ones, that go up down up down. And they get triggered by the randomest lines I swear.

This online dating this is really giving me a lot of fodder to talk about

I'm trying to stop apologizing for my opinions.

I guess this makes less sense, talking about this on my blog, where I pretty much say anything and it's totally cool, but with other people, men especially, I usually downgrade my reactions and opinions and ideas. Since I have a fondness for cleaver words used to describe things like this, here's one I've heard 'wominimizing.' Where you start senstences, 'I might be wrong but isn't so-and-so actually...' or 'Sorry, I'm not sure, but maybe it's because you did this part wrong..." or etc etc. It's just lack of confidence in your own opinions and ability to be right.

I do it a lot when it comes to personal feelings or opinions, I accomadate a lot. Like, with this online dating thing, I have to reject guys. I just do, when I'm not attracted to them but they talk to me and I talk back, I'm friendly and then later I have to find a way to break it down that I'm not into them and it is hard. I'm awful at it. I'm not forceful and I put question marks on the ends of all my sentences. For example "I like you, but I don't think we have much in common?" "I don't know how much further we can take this?"
 t
These all work just as well without a question mark, and actually would improve it but it scares me to be that bang on target.

In other news, there is this guy that sent me 4 emails of decent length that I did not reply to because I was not interested and really busy with exams,  but I was eventually like thanks but no thanks. He did not get the message, kept emailing me, and so I sent him this. I thought I was being straightforward and polite.

Me:  hope you go well on your exams but honestly, I don't think we're compatible, even as friends. I think I'd prefer to just end our communication here...
Sorry

Since then he has sent me two MORE emails.
 

okkk i dont knoww...
if u feel like that its up on you.....
i am not disturbing you anymore... if you would like to come back to meee again... anytime you r welcome for a friendshippp......
i hope you too goood luck on your exams and i hope u willl get all HD in your exam...
may seee u some where in the future....

heyy...
My dear friend... what had happened to uuu... r u really stressed that what i got while reading your profile update.....dont worry u stay sometime in beach or lokking the beauty of nature u will be getting relaxed..
And don't worry about gay rights and alll its right ... and people like to follow that what is the problem.. you know i am not a gay.. but i have frndss who are gay.. its not a problem.. its a persons wish to follow what he want to follow...
Also I am a person who believes in equality among men and women... there is no difference between the rights of men and women... the have equal freedom... whenever something comes dont be afraid be bold and express yourself then no one can supress you...
I hope you are all right and i thinkk you had done well on your exams....
Also wishing you and your and friendsss a happy and enjoyable  road trip to  goldcoastt..... enjoy the summer vaccationnnn.......

Jesus Christ, what the fuck.

Why has he made this attachment to me.

This is how stalkers are made.

I have the weirdest fucking dreams.

I was going to a club. There was this whole plot about this guy who was trying to kill me but I've forgtten it cos it was like 24hours ago, but I was going to this club and I knew you-know-who was going to be there with his girlfriend, who'd I'd replaced in my dream with a girl I'm friends with at work. They didn't actually show up in the dream. Then I took people I knew from primary school, high school, sports teams, and made them all part of this club experiences, randomly assorting them into good guys and bad guys.

When it comes to my dreams, people could end up anywhere because all my wires cross over. People I like become people I don't, people I know become friends with people I sort of know, or don't know, or are two completely opposing parts of my life, or one person is called by the name of someone else, but still looks like themselves.

Usually only the main stars get to play themselves, you know who obviously, he still tends to play main love interest on occasion, same with Mia by bffl, her role is generally her regular, though apparent;y wires crossed even more majorly last week when I dreamed we were romantically involved. I did tell her that she got preggers, though not that they were mine ahaha. My Meggles generally gets 'helpless and needs to be protected at all costs, idk if she's ever had a romantic dream.

Too be fair though, I know all that means nothing. I've had way more disturbing ones. When I was Alice from Alice in Wonderland and I gave a (human) White Rabbit a blow job after he blackmailed me into it holding the 'drink me' bottle hostage (at least it wasn't the eat me one). I've dreamed about a teacher with a whip, of all things. That was only like 5% sexual, the rest it was actually used to whip kids to cause them pain for punishment. Or the time I dreamed of a parent naked.

Brains are weird. Dreams are weird. I wish I could lucid dream. That'd be fucking amazing.