Fandom!

I figure I should explain some of the miscellaneous gifs and youtube links I have floating around my blog.

Why? I hear you asking. We don't actually care. Even worse, we haven't even noticed.

The better question- the one you should be asking, is why not.

My favourite one is obviously my Brittana kissing gif. Oh the screaming and flailing that occured when I watched that for the first 100 times. It was difficult because normally I watch Glee alone, livestreaming it so I can liveblog and such, because obviously I can't wait an extra 2 hours until download links start appearing because I live in fucking Narnia (also known as Australia). Obviously watching on actual TV isn't even an option. The only time I've done that was at schoolies when I had no other choice. I'm kind of highly strung about TV shows. I used to scream my head off if anyone tried to interrupt me watching House back in the day.

But, back to the story, I was watched Heart which is the episode Santana and Brittany kiss for the first time with my bffl, so I had to turn down the flailing and rewatching a bit. But now I have that gif so I can just stare at that, the most perfect kiss by my otp. My blogger name is SantanalovesBrittany for a reason. My tumblr is similar BrittanyxSantana if you decide you want to follow my awesome stuff there.

My songs on the side are from the Glee Project, because I'm still obsessed with that right now. The top ones are Without You and Take a Bow, by Aylin, my favourite, but she didn't win, she got runner up. I'm not going to get over this injustice. Also Nellie, singing If I were a Boy, which is a song I love and I love her voice.

You have to note here that I actually hate Glee. I hate its writers and producers and its hypocrisy and it's overratedness and its stupidity and callousness and sexism. But I'm so invested, it's like a drug addiction, or a plane crash. I can't look away. I love the characters (a few of) and I can't stop caring about their story, even when I know it's going to continue to get shat all over. It's a sad and complicated relationship.

What else... why blog name is KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid... because a) I had to change it again and it was the first thing i thought of, thought it's not my favourite, and b) it's a good philosophy, not only in science, but also in relationships and in life. I like to consider myself pretty uncomplicated, but I do like to remind myself to just stress less, let it work out, don't worry everything into knots.

Also, I think it partially comes from a conversation I had once

• • • 
      Me: you're my friend. i think its just got to be that simple
  • Them: its never simple

    • the world is complicated

• Them: it always will be
• Me: thats why i try to keep stuff simple, if i can. and some basic truths can be simple i think

  
  

And the quote "If you love something, keep it simple."

Anyway, that's it, I just felt like typing cos my tumblr is dead (middle of the night in US) and I'm waiting for the shower because I've been at netball training and I'm gross and sweaty and disgusting. I have pit stains. Ickkkkk.

But major semis this week!!!! Woooo. And if we win (which we should), then we won't have to play next week, which is my cousins 21st in Sydney, which would be really convenient, and we'll go straight to the Grand Finals!

My little girls are in the Minor Semi's which is also very exciting. If they win, they'll be in next weeks finals which will be annoying for me, but it won't matter because obviously, they'll have made the Finals! Argh. It's so awesome. I'm so thrilled.

12

• A: Are you a virgin?
• Sure am :P
• B: 3 biggest pet peeves
• Stupid questions, clacking your teeth together and referring to me as 'her' when I'm right there.
• C: Celebrity crush?
• Would you like a list? That would take forever but at the top are Darren Criss, Naya Rivera, Misha Collins and Jennifer Lawrence.
• D: If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
• I can't think of one major thing that I did awfully, like stand out awful. My problem with my past is more a general... why did I act like such a loser. Oh yeah, cos I am a loser lol.
• E: Do you smoke?
• No. I don't think I ever will.
• F: Do you drink?
• Occasionally.
• G: If you had to rank yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you be?
• 7. Sometimes like a 4, but other times when I feel good about myself, I'm like, 8 or 9 maybe just for the night.
• H: Longest relationship and with who?
• Two ex boyfriends of about 6 months. Both very boring.
• I: 5 turn ons
• Low voices, wide shoulders, intelligence, hip bones and arms.
• J: 5 turn offs
• Dumbasses, substance abuse, homophobic/racist etc, low confidence, and metro guys.
• K: What's the biggest lie you have ever told?
• The cliche of all cliches, 'I'm fine.'
• L: Would you ever date someone of another race?
• Well, I have, so I'm not that racist, but I'm not immune to racism. I don't go as far as to say I'm not turned on by non white guys but... internalised racism at work, I'm not really attracted to them much at all.
• M: What is your sexual orientation?
• Straight/bicurious.
• N: Top 5 traits you look for in a person that you want to have a relationship with
• Smart/funny/confident/no major emotional issues/has idea of what they want in the future.
• O: Who are you crushing on right now?
• A guy I know.... it's very low key. I don't even know if I would call it a crush. More just an interest.
• P: Who is your best friend?
• Her name is Mia. With a J.
• Q: Your guilty pleasure?
• Chocolate. And smut.
• R: Who was your first kiss?
• Her name was Mimi.
• S: Do looks matter to you?
• Duh. 
• T: What kind of underwear are you wearing?
• Black ones with pretty colours.
• U: How big is your penis or for a girl, how big are your boobs
• 12D ish.
• V: How far have you gone?
• Kissinggggg.
• W: Do you like it when people play with your hair?
• Yeah, but not always. Sometimes it's the best thing ever, aka with girls, but boys who try usually make me cringe.
• X: Are you circumcised?
• Nope. Which I'm grateful for...
• Y: Do you name your private parts?
• I don't lol. My vagina is just my vagina.
• Z: Do you pee in the shower?
• Lol.

what is wrong with me/the world? but mostly me....

What's wrong with me, do you think?

When it comes to guys, something is so off. 

I swear, this last year has been a mix of absolutely boring, but still...

Since you-know-who, how many boys have wanted to be with me, legitimately, relationship wise? None. How many guys have offered to hook up with me? Three.

What the fuck.

It's not a compliment, it's just... what's wrong with me if that's what boys want--and these aren't boys I don't know, it's friends. So it's not an appearance thing, that's not what it makes me think of, it's just, these are guys that know me personally, and rather than saying would you like to go out sometime? they just say 'lol, wanna make out?'

Maybe this is old fashioned, especially since it was my mother that put this perspective to me in the first place, but why is this okay? When did it become normal, more normal to move into one-time hook ups or friends with benefit arrangements then it did to go out with someone?

Or is it just me? I mean, my friends don't have these issues the way I do. My friend was laughing at me a few days ago (in a friendly way) for all the complicated relationships with guys I seem to rack up. I seriously don't do it on purpose. I'm friendly with boys and I suppose I'm mildly more sexual than some of my friends, but that's it. 

I don't get it. And it's not like I'm being picky, turning down a bunch of boys that want to be with me. They literally don't want me, they just think I might say yes. But I don't.

Is it so darn hard to find a guy that will just ask 'hey, do you want to go get coffee sometime?'

DOES THIS ONLY HAPPEN ON TV?

P.S I only say 'since you-know-who', because I suppose I classify that as more 'relationship' type want,

rather than a hook up. Though as we did kiss and didn't date, I suppose maybe it is the same thing, only that time I said yes.

But no... because the difference isn't the relationship status per se... it's more the depth of feeling and whether or not you do all the other stupid stuff like go out and talk and do the rest of the banal stuff together.

Lies.

I hate being lied to.

I mean, sort of. For obvious reasons, everyone does.

Maybe it's more... I hate feeling stupid.

Because I'm so fucking gullible, it's not funny. At all.

I believe the most ridiculous things because I just take them at face value. When a friend says something, I just say 'okay' and I generally accept it. Then occasionally I get a weird look and 'you know that was a joke right?' and I go 'oh, what, oh, of course. ha." Except I didn't actually know. It's not like aspergers or something, though mum has jokingly said that when I've told her some of the more stupid things I've taken literally, especially as a kid. I do have sarcasm filter and social skills, I just... don't recognise lies in people talking to me unless I have reason to. When I understand what's going through someone's head, it's more obvious, but it's more that I don't look for lies unless I'm told to look so everything just goes straight through my filter.

I hate that.

Not that there are that many great conspiracies out there that hate me and are trying to keep secrets from me, but I hate it when I know something for sure, because the person it's about has told me so, but then later it turns out that wasn't true and they were lying and I feel stupid for believing it.

This entry didn't come from anywhere in particular, I just felt like writing it.

opinion

One of the most annoying things about having been involved with someone who was involved with someone else, is that I've mostly lost the right to have opinions on cheating now.

Like, I was watching a movie yesterday with Megan, which was lovely by the way, and the main chick was about to kiss some guy (it was a rom com, sue me) and I was moaning 'Noooo, girlfriend..." when I got a weird look from Megan.

But I wasn't talking to the girl, I was talking to the guy. I figure I can still have feelings about guys that cheat, I just can't judge girls that let them. Which is fine, because to be honest, I'm not that inclined to. I justified it, so I assume that some other people can too. Not always, but I think there is a reasonable excuse policy. I'm not saying people should cheat-- I don't think that. I wouldn't do it again and I feel I deserve some level of judgement and guilt because of my actions.

I just figure I can't judge other people more harshly than I do myself. But I'm still allowed an opinion. And in this movie, the guy really was a dick. He just wanted the attention of both women because it made him feel special. Maybe that's how it was with you-know-who as well, but I don't know that for sure and I didn't recognise it at the time if that's true, so I don't judge him for it.

I guess it's just time now that I have to wait, until I'm 24 and I can brush it off with a 'omfg, I was 17, we were in high school, I was dumb!' and let it get made irrelevant that way.

In other related news, my netball friends who are in the same year/school as you-know-who's girlfriend, I sort of mentioned her/them, because while I don't care, but I sort of still like hearing different gossip/perspectives. And surprisingly, I struck gold because they think she's a bitch and kind of hate her. So we bonded over that. Not that I think those things, but I was like "yeah, she doesn't like my group of friends cos she thinks we hate her too..."

Anyway, I just thought it was funny.

mean

I want to learn how to be a bitch.

Like, not a talk-behind-your-back, snarky comments type bitch, I have that down pat already. I want the confident type, that doesn't always smile and be polite, when they're cussing you out and saying mean things in their heads.

When someone is being an asshole to me, I find it incredibly difficult to be straight out confrontational. And that's an understatement. I can say mean sideways things, or passive aggressive 'I'm pissed at you' things but I can't just say 'No, stop, what is even going on here? You hate me remember? Stop acting like this. Stop making me act out this obviously fake friendship when we both know it's not real. And for the record, I'm happy not to talk to you. You aren't doing me a favour, I'd actually rather you fuck off now.'

I do it with people I don't know as well. With men on the street that are disrespectful, I still can't do anything but force a smile and look away, no matter how much I'd like to tell them to fuck off. I can't take the pressure of silence, when I'm trying to ignore someone talking to me, I always give in. Even random old men on bus stops, when I'm scared, I can't deal with being that impolite.

It's not low self esteem. Maybe it's confidence. But it's something else too and I don't know what. I don't hate conflict. Conflict is exciting.

And it's not that I lack the ability to be a bitch. That's obvious if you read my blog. But like, this guy, my ex. I don't know how to deal with him. I can't form the confrontation. Even last night when he was stalking outside my work when I finished, I couldn't. He started walking with me and though I didn't want him to cos I didn't want my Dad to see him and I didn't really want to talk to him, I did anyway. I let myself get drawn into a totally normal conversation until we were arguing/me giving my views on how Fifty Shades of Grey misrepresents BDSM relationships in a really problematic way (sue me, he knows how to get me into conversation), I didn't even really say anything about not wanting to be around him until we were basically where I was going to be picked up. Only then I said 'Oh, I don't really want my dad to see you' and he said something about 'not wanting my dad to know I was with someone who has been totally hostile to me for the last few weeks' and I was like, 'whatever' and got in the car. I didn't offer him a lift home.

He sent me a text after that, but I didn't get it til this morning, about how if I'd been catching the bus he'd wanted to talk about our relationship/ him being hostile or whatever. I need need need to make this clear when he forces this conversation on me.

I'm happy.

I don't want to be friends.

I don't need to talk about this.

Either he wants to apologise for being a douchenozzle, in which case, I don't care because making up isn't something I'm interested in and all it would do is assuage his guilt, or he wants me to apologise and he wants to insult me some more. I'm certainly not placing blame on myself for whatever this is and I have no plans to revert my position at all. I'm not grovelling for forgiveness, I'm taking this in stride. I'm laughing about this with my friends and being like 'what the heck'.

To me, this isn't a problem. So there is no need to be a solution.

I'll just have to work out what I need to say when he brings this up. Hem hem.

"G---, look, what you don't get is that I'm perfectly happy not being friends. I think we should embrace the face that the last time you flew off the handle at me, we both came to the same decision that we don't wanna be friends anymore. I'm still happy with that decision, aren't you?"

girl crushes

Sexuality is confusing. Like, sometimes I think I'm bisexual cos well, boobs. And girls in general are pretty attractive. But maybe I'm just straight but with wiggly crossover bits.

But I don't have any.... relationship aspirations for girls. I only had a crush on a single one and that still confuses the heck out of me. Personally, I think it's more likely that I just suffer from a very Jenna Marbles 'girl crush' syndrome.

I spend way more time looking at hot girls on Tumblr than I'd like to admit. Do I have pictures of half naked fit girls on my wall? Yes. But I'm just gonna quote. "I can't tell if I wanna be you, or be on you! Can I just fucking stare at you until I figure it out?"

To be fair, I look at hot men a lot too. I spent hours today in the Misha Collins tag on Tumblr and am not ashamed that I looked up 'Misha Collins naked' on Google. I just look at hot people a lot. Mia told a friend of mine the other day after the girl was like '....um, do you do this a lot?' when we were agreeing on the hotness of a guy that just walked past us. And she said 'well yeah. Lucy does this more than me, but basically we just look at everyone we see and assess them on how much we want to bang them.'

I do this way too much. I need to stop. I do this to almost everyone I see. Like, in crowds I do this. When I'm walking at uni I do this. It's a fucking good thing I have a best friend that doesn't find this creepy and understands my weird 'oi, hot guy at 9'o'clock' eyebrow wiggle. Not that we usualy agree on whether they're hot or not. I like guys with wide shoulders and fair colouring, very wholesome quarterback type. She's more 'tall, dark and handsome', which doesn't really appeal much to me. They tend to dress more metro and pay more attention to their hair. We have two of these guys in a shared tute. We gave them nicknames.

Is it objectifying? Well, yeah but I don't think that's wrong. Everyone is constantly judging the heck out of each other. Aesthetics please me. Like looking at pretty flowers but with hormones involved.

The amount of these people I'm gonna bang is regretfully low, so that's not even the point.

I don't even know what is the point, apart from pure admiration.

Overall, the point of this post was the decide that I'm probably not bisexual, I'm just pretty accepting of the fact that girls are hot.

Yep.

Edit: I think I've mainly put away the idea that I'm bisexual. Bicurious sure, but I think the bisexual thing stems mainly from my long term crush on a girl. But it isn't even a crush. It's just... I'm really protective of her and I like making her happy but I don't want to have sex with her or anything. Maybe it's just sisterly and I'm just not used to having a positive sibling relationship.