My life is basically the titanic, its taking awhile but things are slowly sinking and I dont think there is a happy ending in sight

So things are a bit better maybe?

I've been going around these last few weeks with this stress and sadness that I couldn't shake off and while nothing has changed in the situation, I'm finally dealing with it better.

Mia had an Honours assignment that involved a 10 minute filmed roleplay where I talk about my problems for 10 minutes and she uses all the therapist techniques like paraphrasing and reflection to respond. I still think it's dumb, like you literally offer no advice and you aren't allowed to lead people, literally all you can do is say 'so I'm hearing that you are feeling...' or 'so you said blah blah blah, could you tell me exactly what you mean by that?' but somehow, it actually helped. I think it only helped because it was me talking to Mia and so now she understands what I'm thinking better, and I always get desperate when I think no one understands. But surprisingly, I think just saying a bunch of my fears out loud helped. I was trying not to let it get silent, because obviously, it was for her grade and I needed to make it super easy for her, so I said more than I probably would any other time and it might have helped me put some things I was thinking already into words.

It was kind of like a confession.

And in class, we're learning lots of techniques for clients who are sad or angry and while I am already remarkably self aware because I am constantly examining my thoughts and feelings and I use a lot of these techniques already, especially writing letters and burning them, drawing etc, and there was one that was pretty lame, where you identify the source of pain/sensation in your body that is caused by emotional problems and you focus on it, and then you start describing it, like the colour, the weight, the location, intensity etc, and thats supposed to make it less intense and allow you to deal with it. It's a bit wishy washy but I've had this bowling ball vine wrapped around my heart and it makes it hard to breathe and concentrate on anything else and I felt it before I had this lecture so I didn't just create it in response to it, and so I decided to try it and it kind of did help. So there you go.

Liz is actually at home now, but it's not because she's better, it's because there is nothing more anyone can do, and she wants to die at home, not in hospital. So she has a palliative care nurse that comes in each day. I haven't seen her this week, though I'd like to, she can't see and so she doesn't get texts or anything, and her Mum didn't reply when I messaged her, asking if I could come over. I have like, a special VIP pass for visiting, in that, after immediate family, I am considered the next closest. I have a rank all to myself.

Also, Liz's girlfriend Viv, who is my friend, messaged and was like, hey I heard, i'm thinking of you and your family etc etc and I didn't know how to reply, because I know it's hard for Viv too, unfortunately, they've only known each other six weeks so even if it was meant to be, it didn't get to really take off and I don't really know how in the know she is, especially because it's not like Liz can update her herself, it's more her parents. And I don't know what to say, because while I do think it must be hard for her, it's not a comparable loss and I don't know how to approach that idea with tact. Like, Viv is being lovely and totally understanding that this is my family, but I want to include her and make her feel valued and like her own grief is valid, but I don't know how to do it without undercutting my own loss. Because if they'd known each other even 3 months longer, then Viv's role could have been so much bigger. I don't know, it's complicated.

Easters is less than two days away and it's complicated by the fact that it has always been Liz's thing, and that she basically started the Debating Society, so people know her and I'm so so so grateful (even if this is terrible) that I'm family, because it means I don't have to push to be recognised as the most hurt because I am and at least this way people recognise it and I don't have to deal with people not getting it, how big this is or how much it is affected me. Tonight Mia and I went to Kmart for baby clothes for a baby shower for a friend of hers and she said something about how when I have a baby girl, she'll buy all the clothes for it because she'll be Godmother and it's really terrible, but I have this story right, where I get preggers (it was in the aftermath of a friend's pregnancy, I am always inspired by life) and in the story, Mia and I fight. Actually, I'll just copy it in, might as well.

“Mia, I know you’re going to get really upset when I tell you this but you’re going to have to find out at some point anyway so can you just try to promise not to be hurt?” 

“What?” She said warily.
  

“Um, I’ve asked Lizzy to be the baby’s Godmother. I know you have kind of expected it, and it’s nothing against you or any doubts I have on the longevity of our friendship, it’s just, she’s family. And if something happens to me… I don’t know, I guess she’d go to the Dad but, I don’t know, it just seemed like the right decision.”  

”But—but it’s my little Godchild. They need to be able to come to me for advice on dating and to complain about you, and I’ll be the cool Godmother who slips them money—”  

“You can still do all those things. Against my better judgment and the fact that I think it’s totally weird, I’ll even let you be Aunty Mia if you want.”  

“But that sucks. I’m your best friend.”  

“I know. And you’re going to be a major part of the baby’s life…. But family is family. Lizzy isn’t allowed to leave me.”  

“I’m not going to fucking leave!”  

“You are going to be my family. When we’re older and you marry Ben and I find someone, we’ll go camping together and be family friends and kids I have later will be besties with yours, I really want all that, but right now… we’re not old enough to know for sure that’ll happen. I’m not old enough to be a mother, we all know that, and I just have to be 100% sure that who I pick is going to be around forever. Lizzy I know for sure.”

And it's just so shit because Lizzy isn't going to be around forever and that stresses me out more than any other part of it, because it's ruining everything, everything I ever built up in my head about how family life was supposed to be. My mum doesn't have friends, she just has sisters, and that's why all us cousins are so close, and I've never had family friends who we call aunt or uncle even though they aren't actually related, so that's not a phenomenon I've ever experienced. I always just thought Mia would be Mia to by kids as well, not this pseudo family crap.  Like, I always thought there was a difference. I mean, I'm all for family being who you chose, but I do think family, real family, the people you spend holidays with and are related to, that matters. And with children, they go to family, you don't just foster them onto people you know, no matter how close friends you are.

Only today Mia said it and I realised without Liz, they would go to Mia, she will be the Godmother, and that's freaking me out, not because I don't think she'd do a good job or something, but just because thats not how it's supposed to be.

I'm a realist, I am. I understand that friendships and relationships don't always last, I always make sure that friends would be able to survive a break up if it happened, and I accept that not all friendships will last a lifetime, that's life. But I never even thought about cousins or my brother or anyone, they're like, the environment, not a variable that can be added or removed. But this time next month... I don't think Liz will be here anymore.

If I write anymore, I'll cry. Considering I started this post with 'things are a bit better', I don;t know how true that was. I mean, i think it's true, but now I've got that out, I need to stop, and I'll leave you all hanging as to the things that are going better. But Mia and I are good, and that always helps.